INDOOR SPORTS
Words by Ed. P. Moran and Will A Heelan, music by Seymour Furth
As recorded by Bert Williams, 1915.

When Dad gave up two dollars for his marriage license fee,
He really had no idea what an ath-e-lete he'd be.
To gain his reputation, Daddy did not have to roam.
We hold all our Olympic games right in our home sweet home.

At indoor sports, no family can beat us.
At indoor sports, they're all afraid to meet us.
You don't know what you're missin' … up right away.
Why Daddy missed an iron by an inch the other day,
But then Mama threw another so there's nothin' left to say,
And it all comes under indoor sports.

Ma says: "Stop that…; Dad should do as he is told."
She yanks the record off; 'twas "Silver Threads among the Gold."
She threw the disk at Daddy's head to stop the sweet refrain.
Since Mama broke that record, Dad has music on the brain.

At indoor sports, no family can beat us.
At indoor sports, they're all afraid to meet us.
Why, Daddy never does a thing to rouse poor Mama's wrath.
Night after night he goes along the same old beaten path.
He gets beaten from the bedroom through the kitchen to the bath,
And it all comes under indoor sports.

When Ma puts on her carpet…, she needs us, bless her soul.
Dad gets the fam'ly records down and then he calls the roll.
We chose up sides, roll up our sleeves, Ma grabs the bureau drawer,
Then we grab Mama's carpet strings and have a tug of war.

At indoor sports, no family can beat us.
At indoor sports, they're all afraid to meet us.
When Mama hollers "Go," the sight's worth comin' miles to see,
With seven kids on Daddy's side and seven more with me.
Why, we pull her in from fifty-four, sometimes to fifty-three,
And it all comes under indoor sports.

One night a month poor Daddy is allowed to go to lodge.
He don't belong to any; it's the same old marriage dodge.
The lodge he goes to, all the members … like they were lame.
The password of the order is "I guess I'll take the same."

At indoor sports, no family can beat us.
At indoor sports, they're all afraid to meet us.
When Father's turn comes to treat, you'd think he's deaf and dumb,
But of course he can find his way home yet, and I guess that's goin' some,
And the door he sings; it's lovely, but the words are yet to come.
Now you know it's under indoor sports.