Let's see, I need a pad in Westmister for all night sittings, one near Brick Lane so I don't have to stagger too far after a meal and one down Soho so I can lead a government inquiry into the lifestyle of Betty Swollox, or Mrs Gimp Bitch as she prefers to call herself these days.

I also need a full time accountant to organise the expenses flipping between them and my constituency castle. Oh, and someone to deal with the moat latrines. (Guess who I am considering offering that post to.)

I stand more chance of passing legislation than any of the freeloaders trying to weasel their way into PM Shaw's government because I have a larger private member.

I don't have a bill though *. Of course I could get a bill, attach springs to my hands and feet and bounce around Betty Swollox's bedroom and pay for it via my car allowance. It's called the four sprung duck technique.

(After Steve's Bill Withers joke, the level needed adjusting.)



*Obviously, I have many bills and they will appear on my expenses claims.