BS: Steve Shaw for Prime Minister

Subject: BS: Steve Shaw for Prime Minister
From: GUEST,Raggytash
Date: 15 Mar 16 - 04:25 AM

In the wake of our American cousins proposing people to positions of power I would like to propose Steve Shaw to the highest elected office in Britain, that of prime Minister.

Subject: RE: BS: Steve Shaw for Prime Minister
From: MGM·Lion
Date: 15 Mar 16 - 04:43 AM

𝄞 ♫♫♫

Vote vote vote for Stephen Shaw-haw
Throw old Popgun out the door
And then we'll have the chap
To put Mudcat on the map
And we won't get shot by Popguns any more-haw-haw
No we won't get shot by ☠Popguns☠ any more❣❢❣❢

                           ♩♩♩♩♩♩

Subject: RE: BS: Steve Shaw for Prime Minister
From: GUEST,Raggytash
Date: 15 Mar 16 - 04:53 AM

Very nice Michael, Is it Matrons day off today?

Subject: RE: BS: Steve Shaw for Prime Minister
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 15 Mar 16 - 05:10 AM

Musket for Chancellor and Archbishop of Sheffield, from Wednesday onward. I'll find summat for the other one in a minute :-)

Teribus for Ministry of Hangin' 'n' Floggin'

Raggytash for Ministry of Culture and Beard Cultivation

Dave the Gnome for Ministry of Bingo and Other Arts (if he can be arsed with "other arts")

Michael...ah, Michael: how about a sinecure in a (very) remote outpost of the Empire...nurse can come with you, we promise...

Pete: education. A shoo-in.

Joe Offer: Elf Secretary

My private secretary will be that dishy young lady doctor off of Holby City. No contest. Otherwise I'm not playing and you can have Blair back.

Subject: RE: BS: Steve Shaw for Prime Minister
From: Stu
Date: 15 Mar 16 - 05:22 AM

My god.

Subject: RE: BS: Steve Shaw for Prime Minister
From: GUEST,Raggytash
Date: 15 Mar 16 - 05:23 AM

KAOH for War Minister??

Subject: RE: BS: Steve Shaw for Prime Minister
From: MGM·Lion
Date: 15 Mar 16 - 05:24 AM

Tak, Raggibumz!

But you must watch your punk-chew-eh-shun, Duckling --

There should be a comma after "nice"; a fullstop (or even a screamer❢) after "Michael"; and an apostrophe before final ·s· of "Matron's".

Write each correction out 20 times, and parade with them in shirt-tail order at Mudcat HQ Company Office at 2330 hrs!

≈M≈
acting WOIC punctuation

Subject: RE: BS: Steve Shaw for Prime Minister
From: MGM·Lion
Date: 15 Mar 16 - 05:29 AM

Re "we promise", Stevikins.

Who "we"?

Delusions of royalty now, is it? Tchk tchk! Goodness how sad!

Subject: RE: BS: Steve Shaw for Prime Minister
From: Donuel
Date: 15 Mar 16 - 06:42 AM

Dear Mr. Shaw, To say America has lost its
nuance and finesse would at this point draw haughty laughter.
This country has had a spectrum of executives that were perverts much like ancient Rome had theirs.

One could say "but we survived" as if no harm done. What is lost is beyond measure. Do you feel the same may be true of your country?

Subject: RE: BS: Steve Shaw for Prime Minister
From: Backwoodsman
Date: 15 Mar 16 - 06:57 AM

"My private secretary will be that dishy young lady doctor off of Holby City. No contest. Otherwise I'm not playing and you can have Blair back."

In the queue, Stevie-boy! Mrs. Fenswoman can confirm that I bagged her a long time ago, as part of a two-part set - the other part being Kylie! 👍😎

Subject: RE: BS: Steve Shaw for Prime Minister
From: Stu
Date: 15 Mar 16 - 07:26 AM

You'll all have to swear loyalty to the Great Pixie of Belligerence who rules by the Divine Right of The Lord of the Ancient Order of the False Dawn.

Meanwhile, on the margins the resistance quietly gathers and draw their plans against the establishment headed by The Infallible Shaw of the Unsublime Opinion and his Three Pet Musket Monkey's (Speak shite, Speak Shite and Speak Shite).

Meanwhile, the Bash Street Kids invade an egg box that has been discarded by the voice of reason on a motorway cutting somewhere near Cherwell Valley services. Marx spins in his grave, making a noise like a hum (but quite different in reality) and in a large, faceless conurbation near a phone mast the last known wild peasant walks into a Poundland and buys pair of 1.25 reading specs and later, in the local park where the hydrocarbon lake fizzes and pops and releases a reek, lies down with a bundle of post-it notes on which are written words and more words with meanings and eventually falls into a deep, dreamless sleep.

Subject: RE: BS: Steve Shaw for Prime Minister
From: Backwoodsman
Date: 15 Mar 16 - 07:31 AM

Wow!

Subject: RE: BS: Steve Shaw for Prime Minister
From: GUEST,Musket
Date: 15 Mar 16 - 07:38 AM

Right...

Stu will be first up against the wall, (and not in the same way as her off Holby City, not that I have ever watched it.). His three pet monkey's what? Or monkeys' for that matter, but obviously not monkeys. No chance of Stu getting pete's education post in any reshuffle then.

There will be no resistance. Or at least unless Rt Hon Mr Shaw stops his weird association with Anfield. If he doesn't, I'll lead any opposition.

Michael is harmless but just in case, get him sectioned by parliamentary decree. (Get him access to help if nothing else.)

Anyway, he can't be Prime Minister. He doesn't live in The UK. Cornwall declared UDI years ago.

Subject: RE: BS: Steve Shaw for Prime Minister
From: GUEST,Raggytash
Date: 15 Mar 16 - 07:39 AM

I'll have a pint of whatever Stu's been on!

Subject: RE: BS: Steve Shaw for Prime Minister
From: Backwoodsman
Date: 15 Mar 16 - 08:08 AM

I suspect it would be better in a very large home-made cigarette, Raggy!

Subject: RE: BS: Steve Shaw for Prime Minister
From: gillymor
Date: 15 Mar 16 - 08:15 AM

Try to resist the temptation to send the Grand Fleet back to the Falklands.

Subject: RE: BS: Steve Shaw for Prime Minister
From: GUEST,punkfolkrocker
Date: 15 Mar 16 - 08:25 AM

Can I be minister for electric guitars and natural silicon free breasts...???

what...??? this department does not exist.... why not !!!??? 😖

Subject: RE: BS: Steve Shaw for Prime Minister
From: MGM·Lion
Date: 15 Mar 16 - 08:30 AM

"Michael is harmless" in ydr dreams, Popsicle. Jus-che wait till I decide its time to come and

















GETCHA!

Subject: RE: BS: Steve Shaw for Prime Minister
From: GUEST,Ed T
Date: 15 Mar 16 - 08:59 AM

You dont seem to have tge feel of a minister of titties, there are wider options for breast enlargement materials than silicone, including gummy bears.
:)

Beyond silicone 

Subject: RE: BS: Steve Shaw for Prime Minister
From: GUEST,punkfolkrocker
Date: 15 Mar 16 - 09:02 AM

errrrm... I.. I would be equally prepared to accept minister for the department of cider apples and naturally cultivated unshaven lady minge... 😜

Subject: RE: BS: Steve Shaw for Prime Minister
From: GUEST,Raggytash
Date: 15 Mar 16 - 09:07 AM

Gentlemen!!

This is a serious thread, please do not let it degenerate into squalor and sleaze.

Subject: RE: BS: Steve Shaw for Prime Minister
From: GUEST,punkfolkrocker
Date: 15 Mar 16 - 09:15 AM

That's it.. you are a genius...

Can I be minister for the department of squalor and sleaze...!!!!! 😜

Subject: RE: BS: Steve Shaw for Prime Minister
From: GUEST,punkfolkrocker
Date: 15 Mar 16 - 09:17 AM

... oh.. wait... on second thoughts... maybe not...

That department will be full of bigwig tories.... 😬

Subject: RE: BS: Steve Shaw for Prime Minister
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 15 Mar 16 - 09:19 AM

Consider yourself appointed, PFR, on condition that I get to review all your photo dossiers. On the motorway services point, austerity dictates that there will be none south of Sandbach, and even that was marginal. Soft Tory southerners will have to buy those in-car plastic pee accessories with the female adapters that I've seen in the Daily Star. I have determined also that every club in the Premier League has been guilty of unfair play this season, except for Liverpool, and will each be deducted fifteen points, except for Man U, twenty-five in their case. OK, the Man U bit is a blatant piece of populism, but I foresee no objections except from MikeL2 but I can run faster than him.

I'm still working on my religion policies. Be afraid. Be very afraid...

The Yorkshire Question is on hold. For now.

Subject: RE: BS: Steve Shaw for Prime Minister
From: GUEST,Raggytash
Date: 15 Mar 16 - 09:32 AM

Please exercise caution when considering "The Yorkshire Question" Bear in mind there are some Lancastrians here doing missionary work.

Subject: RE: BS: Steve Shaw for Prime Minister
From: GUEST,Musket
Date: 15 Mar 16 - 09:36 AM

There'll be enough sleaze if you let me into the cabinet...

If as an advisor I can appraise Prime Minister Elect Shaw of ideas for a cabinet of the talents rather than the popularity one above, courtesy of "bumped up to The Lords out of the way" Raggytash....

Michael gets minister for appeasement, which should keep him in Jerusalem most of the time, out of the way.

Terribulus can be minister for war. I'm sure he'll find some pesky foreigners to launch our inept navy towards. He can occasionally report at the dispatch box how well prepared, ready, able and willing his conscripts are. (All night sitting, that one..)

Keith can be minister for history. He is good at convincing himself of an idealised history. We'll let him find a use for all those empty churches too. If he says they are full, job sorted.

Joe Offer can be American Ambassador to The Court of St James. If we swing a deal with the pope (brown envelopes usually work), he can be the Vatican rep too. Not as funny as elf minister but more useful in that guise. He can keep an under Blackfriars Bridge for us. You can never be too sure.

BWM can be minister for Lincolnshire. We'd only have to pay him one day a week because, let's face it, not exactly a priority, is it?

PFR can be minister for pervy fun.

Dave the Gnome will be Chancellor of The Duchy of Lancaster, of course. He may be able to sort out the ethnic cleansing over territory presently under The UN radar in Todmorden.

My good friend Musket will want to be chancellor of the exchequer. No, no reason. Just saying like..... Oh and as for Musket, give him Mr Speaker. He lives in London so is available for sitting in the chair. I can be Scottish secretary. I am well qualified, being English but owning (OK, RBS mortgage really own) a house up here and claim residency.

Subject: RE: BS: Steve Shaw for Prime Minister
From: GUEST,Raggytash
Date: 15 Mar 16 - 09:52 AM

Cheek !!

When I am Queen I shall chop your head off if I get more of such language.

Subject: RE: BS: Steve Shaw for Prime Minister
From: GUEST,Raggytash
Date: 15 Mar 16 - 09:58 AM

Of course, as Queen, I will also be the Duke Of Lancaster.

Subject: RE: BS: Steve Shaw for Prime Minister
From: olddude
Date: 15 Mar 16 - 10:00 AM

Does he taste like prime rib? Lol will he ban trump or even trumpets and what about banjos

Subject: RE: BS: Steve Shaw for Prime Minister
From: GUEST,MikeL2
Date: 15 Mar 16 - 10:21 AM

Hi Steve

Hey oop.... if you deduct all those points from Man U. they will be negative this year.

Ok you beat us last week. I was there to watch the Pool completely outplay us. Worst United display I have seen for many a year.

< "OK, the Man U bit is a blatant piece of populism, but I foresee no objections except from MikeL2 but I can run faster than him">.

Don't be too sure, I won the Octogenarian 5 Metres sprint last week.

Cheers

Mike

Subject: RE: BS: Steve Shaw for Prime Minister
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 15 Mar 16 - 10:21 AM

I am not at all sure whether being a deity (existing or retired) precludes the esteemed Mr Shaw from holding positions of a mere mortal nature. Still, I'd vote for anyone who can provide a suitable bribe...

As to the Yorkshire question. Having moved here a mere 3 years ago I am still unsure but I think the biggest question may be "How fuckin' much?!?!?!"

:D tG

Subject: RE: BS: Steve Shaw for Prime Minister
From: Backwoodsman
Date: 15 Mar 16 - 10:32 AM

The Hon. member for Sin City, B. Woodsman, is delighted to accept his appointment as Minister for Lincolnshire. I shall shortly submit my expenses claim for a second Lowden and Martin HD-28V, for use in my Westminster accommodation.

Subject: RE: BS: Steve Shaw for Prime Minister
From: olddude
Date: 15 Mar 16 - 10:49 AM

Is a prime minister a preacher who really likes numbers?

Subject: RE: BS: Steve Shaw for Prime Minister
From: Stu
Date: 15 Mar 16 - 10:51 AM

As the leader of the resistance I reject all the new government's legislation without giving it a second or even a third or fourth or fifth of forth. I'll be around the 19th after the back nine has long ceased to be the final three furlongs and we plumb the depths and look into Davy Jone's Briny Ocean Tossed for some fathoms.

I hereby resign as leader of the remittance and am going to farm malingering whelks in a rockpool just outside Acocks Green. It is not written but this matters not a thingish.

I'm sure The Great Leader Shaw is a honest man made of fine beans and his Three Tumbling Muskets are of course forged from raw air and moulded into the semblance of three indistinct but bold and courageous orange balls like what them fisherpeeple use in their ganzied harassing of the ever elusive prey species.

The cabinet made of polished Tezzas as minister for fumbling and scrummaging and His Grace Joseph Special Offside (for it is himself) are good choices for the fray. There will be pudding.

PFR must be put out with cat or a fire hose or an "in" vote or even one of those triangular bits of plastic you find in rummage draws.

Subject: RE: BS: Steve Shaw for Prime Minister
From: GUEST,punkfolkrocker
Date: 15 Mar 16 - 11:01 AM

Minister for rummaging through drawers... hmmm..

Wonder if that job is still available, or if the ghosts of Sid James or Benny Hill have got there first....

Subject: RE: BS: Steve Shaw for Prime Minister
From: GUEST
Date: 15 Mar 16 - 02:57 PM

Minister responsible for putting more females in non-traditional positions.

Minister of

Subject: RE: BS: Steve Shaw for Prime Minister
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 15 Mar 16 - 05:25 PM

OK, OK, Musket can be Speaker as long as he understands that he does not get to sit on my right hand. We had enough trouble with that when we were sorting out our Holy Trinity. I'm still not over the bloody carpal tunnel syndrome treatment. Fat bugger! As for the vexed Yorkshire Question, it may need refining, but here it is as far as things stand:

THE YORKSHIRE QUESTION: How does a Yorkshireman make an omelette?

PROVISIONAL ANSWER, TO BE REVIEWED: First, he nicks three eggs...
.

Subject: RE: BS: Steve Shaw for Prime Minister
From: Joe Offer
Date: 15 Mar 16 - 08:02 PM

I can see it now, the first meeting between Prime Minister Steve Shaw and President Donald Trump.

It gives yet another level of meaning to the concept of Mutually Assured Destruction....

Oy.

Subject: RE: BS: Steve Shaw for Prime Minister
From: olddude
Date: 15 Mar 16 - 08:15 PM

My buddy steve is prime minister, he makes me laugh cause he is nuts like me

Subject: RE: BS: Steve Shaw for Prime Minister
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 15 Mar 16 - 08:44 PM

In the words of the great Lawrence D. Hills, Dan, 'tis the nuttiness of the truly sane...

Subject: RE: BS: Steve Shaw for Prime Minister
From: GUEST
Date: 16 Mar 16 - 02:23 AM

How about something more useful, like the Brit Shift Mod?

Subject: RE: BS: Steve Shaw for Prime Minister
From: GUEST,Musket
Date: 16 Mar 16 - 02:35 AM

Your fault Co Bloody Messiah for confusing ON right hand with AT right hand. Not my fault. At least you put your mace of office down first. They say that mace makes your eyes water. I know what they mean now.

Still, at least it meant your chromatic gob iron fell silent for a few minutes.

Anyway, what does King Maker Raggy get out of this? is he on a pension of guaranteed Whiby smoked haddock from that small smokery up the hill? Weekly tail end n chips? A jet necklace to (used to) match his tash?

It'll all come out when the minister for war briefs The Daily M*il you know....

Subject: RE: BS: Steve Shaw for Prime Minister
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 16 Mar 16 - 04:12 AM

With Dan as pres over there and Steve as PM over here we are on to a winning formula!

And that is NOT the Yorkshire question. Everyone knows it applies to Scousers. Along with why did they dig a tunnel under the Mersey? Because the Scousers would nick a bridge...

Subject: RE: BS: Steve Shaw for Prime Minister
From: Stu
Date: 16 Mar 16 - 04:25 AM

Excerpt from Hansard, 15th March 2016.

The House met around tea-time.

Prayers were led my His Grace The Reverend Father Joseph Offer (blessed be his name), with attendant Pete (back from stoning homosexuals at dinner time).

Mr Speaker in the chair.

Prime Minister Steve Shaw: As a honest man of heritages vast and working class as is my wont I hereby declare a statue of myself shall be erected in Parliament Square to be used as a shrine to my all knowing and graceless genius.

cries of "right on" and "yer wot?" from the government benches, cries of "oo-oo" from the Musket monkeys

Speaker: Leader of the opposition, Ake

Ake: I reject the PM's proposal utterly as it will encourage foreigners, "liberals" and pigeons. I propose an alternative, namely a statue of Donald Drumpf and Our Lady of The Divine Misery Margaret Thatcher going at it like knives. I would just like to say "liberals" one more time as no-one understands it in the context I use it and wot I made right up, and also "cucumbers" because it takes more calories to say, hear and comprehend than there is in "cucumbers".

Punkfolkrocker: Cor! I've still got lead in me pencil too. Wey hey!

Prime Minister Shorn: I reject the honourable Ache's suggestion and amend my motion (pardon) to include smaller statues, recumbent at my oily feet of Raggy and his beardy, MGM and his lion with me standing on Keith's prize-winning swede.

Teribus: I donate all my kidneys to the queen; my hampton to Phil the Greek; my gnarled, pointy finger to Iain Duncan Smith to point at the filthy peasants; my liver to Nicola Sturgoen's hair surgeon and my brain to... hold on, who stole me friggin' brain? Bastards! You're all wrong!

At this point Terbium storms out of the chamber and was last seen licking the welcome mat at the MOD.

Musket Monkeys: Oo-oo! We're better than you all! We have more money that you all! We know it all! Our agreement with your point can be seen as vindication in the eyes of the feckless middle class! Anyone got any nuts?

Keith: May I humbly propose myself as the new minister for provoking an argument?

The house divides

Speaker: Vote in favour.

Keith: I never said that!

PM Shore: You bloody did:

Ake: "liberals!"

Keith: You're putting words into my mouth!

MGM: Punctuation!

PM Shaw: That's my line!

The Musket Monkeys start throwing poo at everyone

Musket Monkeys: Oo-oo! Superior we is! Maggots, the lot of you!

"His Holiness Joe Offer picks up his crozier and proclaims: THIS THREAD IS CLOSED". Cries of "shame" and "I knew it!". Everyone repairs to the Sweaty Nun for a pint or five and to play a few tunes.

Continued on page 94.

Subject: RE: BS: Steve Shaw for Prime Minister
From: GUEST,Raggytash
Date: 16 Mar 16 - 05:25 AM

"KAOH for War Minister??"

Many apologies for the typo in this. It should have read KAOH for Warminster, the town down in Wiltshire. Very poor broadband down there I believe.

Subject: RE: BS: Steve Shaw for Prime Minister
From: GUEST,Musket
Date: 16 Mar 16 - 06:00 AM

Stu. You forgot the bit where we three hire a pick up, put expensive dining room chairs on the back (none of yer MFI crap) and sit on it whilst being driven round flicking Vs at the peasants.

Out of interest, it would be easy for us to throw shit at dishonourable members because we would demand exclusive access to the strangers' gallery overlooking the floor of the house, to save us having to cohort with the proletariat.

If you think we flick shit, wait till M'Unlearned Friend The Solicitor General Bridge introduces his private member's bill to allow chippy bastards to whinge without us laughing at them.

(True story this but, regarding shit and the House of Commons. Back when I was Lord High NHS (authority chair, there to look pretty and open health centres with posh plaques) for our area, I had to meet regularly with our two MPs, Harry Barnes and Dennis Skinner. Dennis told me about back when he was a new MP in 1970, and the first time the speaker admonished him. Some protesters had entered the strangers' gallery when a debate on farming was taking place. They threw a carrier bag full of cowshit. Most of it landed on the floor and a fair amount on Tam Dalyell. The speaker ordered clearing of the chamber, and Dennis objected, saying they couldn't adjourn because there was a motion on the floor.

No idea how embellished his account was but I suppose he got years of fun over telling the story...

Subject: RE: BS: Steve Shaw for Prime Minister
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 16 Mar 16 - 06:14 AM

There will be no introduction of private members' anything under my regime. Not after Cameron sticking his private member into where it wasn't wanted.

Very good, Stu. I hereby promote you to Minister Without Portfolio. Sorry about that, but I assure you that the bugger on eBay who's late posting my portfolio order will be getting negative feedback from me.

What IS a "portfolio" anyway? Do they have carry handles?

Subject: RE: BS: Steve Shaw for Prime Minister
From: MGM·Lion
Date: 16 Mar 16 - 07:42 AM

"smaller statues, recumbent at my oily feet of...MGM and his lion" --
Stu
.,,.,.

Lion replies

"Grrrr-Grrrrrrrr-Grr!!!

Handy position for me to stretch up & bite your orgasmic organ, Mr Stu.

Grrrr-Grrrrrrrr-Grr!!!

Ars[e] Gratia Artis"

Subject: RE: BS: Steve Shaw for Prime Minister
From: GUEST,Musketum Rex
Date: 16 Mar 16 - 08:26 AM

Nutrix ! est etiam ille de lectulo!!!

Subject: RE: BS: Steve Shaw for Prime Minister
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 16 Mar 16 - 08:32 AM

the minister for war briefs

Just read that out of context. But on reflection...