WyoWoman mentioned this and posted partial lyrics on 23-Sep-2000:


I NEVER DO ANYTHING TWICE
Words and music by Stephen Sondheim, 1976.
As sung by Millicent Martin on "Side by Side by Sondheim" (Original London Cast Recording)

1. When I was young and simple—I don't recall the date—
I met a handsome captain of the guard.
He visited my chambers one evening very late,
In tandem with a husky St. Bernard.
At first, I was astonished, and tears came to my eyes,
But later, when I asked him to resume,
He said, to my surprise: "My dear, it isn't wise.
Where love is concerned, one must freshen the bloom.

CHORUS: "Once, yes, once for a lark.
Twice, though, loses the spark.
One must never deny it,
But after you try it,
You vary the diet."
Said my handsome young guard:
"Yes, I know that it's hard.
Still, no matter how nice,
I never do anything twice.
Unh-unh-unh-unh-unh-unh-unh."

2. I think about the baron who came at my command
And proffered me a riding crop and chains.
The evening that we shared was meticulously planned.
He took the most extraordinary pains!
He trembled with excitement; his cheeks were quite aglow,
And afterwards he cried to me: "Encore!"
He pleaded with me so to have another go.
I murmured caressingly: "Whatever for?

CHORUS: "Once, yes, once is a lark.
Twice, though, loses the spark.
Once, yes, once is delicious,
But twice would be vicious,
Or just repetitious.
Someone's bound to be scarred.
Yes, I know that it's hard.
Still, no matter the price,
I never do anything twice.
Unh-unh-unh-unh-unh-unh-unh."

3. And then there was the abbot who worshiped at my feet
And dressed me in a wimple and in veils.
He made a proposition which I found rather sweet,
And handed me a hammer and some nails.
In time, we lay contented and he began again
By fingering the beads around our waists.
I whispered to him then: "We'll have to say 'Amen,'
For I have developed more catholic tastes.

CHORUS: "Once, yes, once for a lark.
Twice, though, loses the spark."
As I said to the abbot,
"I'll get in the habit,
But not in the habit.
You've my highest regard,
And I know that it's hard.
Still, no matter the vice,
I never do anything twice.

CHORUS: "Once, yes, once can be nice.
Love requires some spice.
If you've something in view,
Something to do,
Totally new,
I'll be there in a trice,
But I never do anything twice,
Except—
No, I never do anything twice."

[Written by Sondheim for the film The Seven-Per-Cent Solution (1976), where it was called "The Madame's Song", it was later retitled "I Never Do Anything Twice" and used in the musical revue "Side by Side by Sondheim" (1976).

[Bebe Neuwirth sings this excellently on her album "Porcelain" (2011) under the title "The Madame Song."]