BS: bbc has moved

Subject: RE: BS: bbc has moved
From: AllisonA(Animaterra)
Date: 01 Aug 03 - 06:31 AM

CONGRATULATIONS, GIRL-FRIEND!! I've sent an email but in case it goes astray I want you to know I've just been there in the recemt past, and it's pretty wonderful on the other side of a year. I look back at all I can do, and at the inner strength I didn't know I had, and I'm happier than I've ever been.
It's easy for me to say, having been thru it, but you're in the midst of it, so don't be afraid or ashamed to cry. You now live less than 2 1/2 hours from me- how about a visit if the lonlies get too bad? I can offer tea, hugs, music, friendship and fresh home-made apple pie (in any order!) You know you're always welcome, dearie.
Trevor said it well- you're going to get to know your own best friend now- good for you!

Subject: RE: BS: bbc has moved
From: Trevor
Date: 01 Aug 03 - 05:05 AM

Hello.

I've lived more or less alone for the last ten years (although I do have a lovely lady who lives not far away). I had never really been on my own, having married young, divorced and fallen straight into another relationship.

I went to live in France, in a caravan. It was so scary - I thought I was lonely, I thought I was paying a price for something or other, I thought I was going to be friendless for the rest of my life. I hated the fact that everything was the same when I came in at night as when I went out in the morning 'cos there was nobody else there, that it was quiet when I was used to be surrounded by noise, kids etc.

Then I discovered this person who had all the resources I needed to live a happy, fulfilled life, who was interesting, experienced, good company, who needed hardly any of the material things I had always thought necessary for life. And this person had always been there. Because it was ME!!

This discovery was the most liberating thing I had ever experienced and has informed my life ever since. It has given me independence, confidence, it means that my relationships are based on want rather than need. I too live in an area that is isolated (as anybody who's been to Squilverfest will attest) and I am happier than I have ever been in my life. I'm 52, Helen is 57, we see the world very similarly from our own, independent (in every sense) windows.

Reading this back, it sounds like I'm crowing. I'm not, honest. I also know that other people's experiences won't necessarily help you -you're the only one who can do it for you - but it may help to know that, for some anyway, it works, that even if you can't see it now, there is a light shining for you somewhere (and not the false dawns that may happen along the way).

Good luck beeb. PM any time you feel the need. (And thanks for sharing your thoughts and fears - this is the first time I've put my stuff into words and wouldn't have done without the prompt from your lovely, open, touching thread)

Subject: RE: BS: bbc has moved
From: bbc
Date: 31 Jul 03 - 11:16 PM

I dunno, Spaw. The problem is, if Cletus did show up, I'm not sure I'd have the sense to run!

Thanks for making me smile!

bbc

Subject: RE: BS: bbc has moved
From: catspaw49
Date: 31 Jul 03 - 10:52 PM

BTW, you are too young to give up on relationships. You can never know what will happen if you stay open to the idea. Don't go looking but don't blind yourself either.

Hell Beebs, even ol' Cletus was saying just the other day that he knew somehow that the right person was out there for him. On the other hand, if a guy eating a headcheese sandwich, drinking an Iron City beer, and driving a '68 Dodge pickup pulls up at your place....run like hell!!!

Spaw

Subject: RE: BS: bbc has moved
From: bbc
Date: 31 Jul 03 - 10:44 PM

You guys are great! I'm so glad I started this thread. I think this is the 1st day in the past week & a half that I haven't cried--not nonstop, but just a sign that I've really been on the edge, emotionally. I'm glad that, at least, I'm able to cry. Better that than some of the less healthy alternatives. Jenny, I'd be happy for a PM; sounds like we could do some good mutual support. Nancy, thanks so much for your input! Sounds like you are doing what needs to be done. I survived an 8-year divorce after a 10 year marriage about 16 years ago & did pretty well, but the 6-year relationship that just ended made me quite dependent again; not a great idea. And it's caused me to doubt myself about any future relationships. I just don't seem to be able to make them last, but it hurts.

As for you, Pat, shame on you for teasing me when I'm down! ;) The folks who sold me this house left me w/ a lot of unexpected work to do. The new tank will run me (oops!) about $2,000. I've been a city girl up till now & never even knew what septic was. Yup, Kendall, it's gonna be a hot time getting that new concrete tank! Wanna try it out sometime?

Sinsull, I sent for a new drivers license w/ my new address & they put PO BD on it, instead of PO Box. Sigh.

Talk to you all later,

love,

Barbara

Subject: RE: BS: bbc has moved
From: JennyO
Date: 31 Jul 03 - 09:23 PM

It looks like a few of us are in the same boat. I'm at the end of a relationship that I had high hopes for which crashed and burned badly - I'm still being hit by some of the shrapnel. The silly thing was, I had been perfectly content and comfortably single for some time until this person came along and turned my world upside down. Now I really don't feel like ever being in a relationship again.

I thought at least I was okay at home, but then my flatmates (two brothers) started to monster me, so basically I have decided to get out and leave them to it. A perfect offer came along at just the right time, so now I have decided to step out of the comfort zone again and do the thing I hate most - moving.

It encourages me to see that there is light at the end of the tunnel - it sounds like things are picking up for you already, Barbara. It's good to have a helpful son too, isn't it. My son set up my computer for me, and if I have problems with it, I know he's usually got the answers.

There will be a period of time when I will be offline around the time of the move. I hope it is only short, but one of the problems I had with the flatmates was that they started writing threatening notes demanding that I move my computer into my bedroom (or else - majority rules they said), and I was sufficiently worried by the tone of these notes, that I went along with it. I was afraid they would try to move it for me in my absence and do some damage. So once I have told them I am leaving, I might have to move it early, if I feel sufficiently threatened, and that would mean being offline earlier. It will be another week before I tell them, and the following 2 weeks before I move will be the hardest, I think. That's when I will be really glad I have friends and I will try to have them around me as much as possible. Some of them, like Sandra, are Sydney mudcatters.

Meanwhile I will stay in touch as long as I can. I love the virtual community here, and it helps me feel connected. One day I would love the chance to travel and meet other 'cats.

Sorry to go on so much - this thread is about you, and I feel like I am hijacking it. Would you mind a PM?

Jenny

Subject: RE: BS: bbc has moved
From: Mudlark
Date: 31 Jul 03 - 09:06 PM

Well, I agree with the last part of Spaw's remark, at least...a backed-up septic tank is not a good way to start your stay in a new home!

It already sounds as if you are less overwhelmed, coping better, can see a little farther ahead. I've lived in the (very rural) country now for over 30 years, but up until 2 yrs ago always with a man who was the epitome of resourceful, could do everything from butchering a hog to running new wiring. A crack shot, he killed all desperate varmints, was able to sew up minor dog cuts with skill and aplomb and was good in an emergency. When he died unexpectedly I was not only bereft but panicked. What would I do if a rabid skunk arrived at the door (as one had a few years ago), not even knowing which end of a gun to point? How would I manage when a(nother) piece of our old shack crumbled away?

In the past couple of years I've gotten answers to all my panicky questions. Shortly after John died a huge rattlesnake appeared in the back yard. In desperation I called a neighbor, but by the time he got here with his gun the snake had sloped off. When the snake reappeared in the front yard the next morning, not 10 ft from the house I realized I was going to hve to deal with it myself...and I did, with a hoe, screaming the entire time. I've had plumbing problems (inc. the backed up septic scenario), electrical problems, have had to deal with new fencing, a hearth under the wood stove (and getting all my own firewood). And have found that a lot of what seemed insurmountable can be attacked with a phone, a phonebook and a checkbook. The longer you are in the area the more connected you will be...and the more connected the more easily you will be able to find good service people.

Hang in there, Barbara...I think you are doing a splendid job already. Feel free to PM me if you want to complain, whine or wail like a banshee...I've done them all and boy does it feel good!

Nancy

Subject: RE: BS: bbc has moved
From: catspaw49
Date: 31 Jul 03 - 08:41 PM

A good move, so to speak, on the septic tank Beebs. We all know you're really full of it and a new septic system is right for you!!!

Spaw

Subject: RE: BS: bbc has moved
From: SINSULL
Date: 31 Jul 03 - 08:37 PM

Congratulations! It is 1 1/2 years since I left NYC for Maine. The hardest moment was handing over my NY voter registration and getting one in Maine. Somehow that little event hit me with how permanent and drastic a change I was making. But I have never regretted it. In fact, there are times when South Portland seems entirely too crowded and citified and I find myself looking north (Downeast to the natives). Settle in and be happy bbc. There are adventures ahead.

Subject: RE: BS: bbc has moved
From: bill\sables
Date: 31 Jul 03 - 07:59 PM

Barbara, The place sounds great and I'm sure you will make a home there without any difficulty. PM or email me with your new address and I'll send some sort of housewarming gift.
Cheers Bill

Subject: RE: BS: bbc has moved
From: kendall
Date: 31 Jul 03 - 07:14 PM

WOW ! there's a source of comfort, a new septic tank! LOL

Subject: RE: BS: bbc has moved
From: bbc
Date: 31 Jul 03 - 06:16 PM

Thanks, Brett; you are the best! My older son is coming to hold my hand for one more weekend, but I think things are getting a little better. The new septic tank goes in on Monday--one less thing to worry about!

Barbara

Subject: RE: BS: bbc has moved
From: Naemanson
Date: 31 Jul 03 - 04:57 PM

Hey Kid, you want change try moving to Guam... after a breakup...

The stores here are poorly stocked and the docotr situation is a complete unknown. I have started by going to the local Naval hospital with all that entails, rigidity of procedures and lack of personality, complete failure of empathy or interest in the patient.

But, the people are great! There are some people in this world who would be daunted by the idea of starting up a conversation with someone a different color from themselves. And at times I have felt that myself. Here, there is no problem. You are welcomed with a smile.

As for the breakup my last one left me in the same boat as you. No more! I am done with relationships and the other gender. Friends are fine but I will let no one closer than that. But that too is survivable, I hope.

You are strong. You are still young (believe it or not), and you have a whole new adventure ahead of you. And you know people in fun places to vacation. You have friends in countries around the world and, this is the neat part, when you plan a vacation you don't have to coordinate your vacation time with anyone else! If you decide to go to Oz to visit JennyO then you can just take off and go! If you wanted to spend a month visiting people in Ireland and England you could just go! No need to worry about how your time off will affect him if there is no him.

You are going to be fine.

Subject: RE: BS: bbc has moved
From: bbc
Date: 31 Jul 03 - 02:13 PM

Well, I just finished cleaning the fridge! Now, I can get food in for more than a couple of meals at a time. Even so, the nearby stores are smaller & less well-stocked than I'm used to. Sounds like small potatoes, I know, but things do tend to pile up on one. I'm learned to take a cooler any time I got to one of the larger towns, 1/2 hour away. That's where the big food stores are! Jenny, keep in touch. Yup, good times can be tough, too. Mudcatters are great for a good word, though! Time to find my way around the kitchen & put together a late lunch.

love,

bbc

Subject: RE: BS: bbc has moved
From: catspaw49
Date: 31 Jul 03 - 01:29 PM

Good move Beebs! No advice, just congrats on a new beginning!!!!! We luvya'!!!

Spaw

Subject: RE: BS: bbc has moved
From: JennyO
Date: 31 Jul 03 - 01:18 PM

I can imagine how you are feeling. I have gone through a number of huge life changes in the last few years, and another one is coming up. I will be moving in about 3 weeks. I think it will be a good thing in the end, but the getting there feels really overwhelming.

Change is always scary, even if you know it will be for the best. It's really good that you are able to be back on Mudcat again. Being able to share your thoughts and feelings with others, and spending time with friends is really important. Your support network will gradually build around you and you will begin to feel settled.

I myself am dreading the BIG MOVE - I have heaps of accumulated stuff, including a piano and a large fishtank, so I'll just be glad when the moving part is over.

The thing that stops me from completely panicking is that I know I have always somehow got through difficult times, some of them worse than this, and survived, and that I have a wonderful network of friends.

So feeling inadequate and overwhelmed is just something that will pass. Before long, you (and I) will be feeling quite adequate and whelmed.

Jenny

Subject: RE: BS: bbc has moved
From: harpgirl
Date: 31 Jul 03 - 01:17 PM

Congratulations BBC! I want to do what you have done and imagine it often. I know you will be happy and get all your ducks in a row! I bet you will even find a relationship in that town, if you want it! Way to go, Love, harpgirl (the bad witch)

Subject: RE: BS: bbc has moved
From: Homeless
Date: 31 Jul 03 - 01:10 PM

Due to a bad split with my ex, I ended up living on a motorcycle for a couple years with my only possesions being what I could pack on it. No job, no house, no food, not many clothes. About as sudden and drastic (and unexpected) of a lifestyle change you can make.
Yeah, a change of the magnitude you're going is really scary. But you only need to deal with one day at a time. And no individual day is ever really that scary. So when you start to feel overwhelmed by the whole thing, just focus on one little piece of it, and live thru that.
As they said on my favorite Christmas special, "Put one foot in front of the other..."

Subject: RE: BS: bbc has moved
From: katlaughing
Date: 31 Jul 03 - 12:50 PM

Oh, bbc, yes! BUT, I find that once we've created that vacumn, something comes along to fill it, Nature abhoring such things, after all.**bg**

I thought I'd gotten rid of a lot when we moved back to the West, but you're right, we filled up, again! Stuff seems so importatnt at times. I like to think I am getting it down to the really important things, now, but they still take up a lot of space!

You must be somewhat near our old stomping grounds of Granville, MA. That area from there on over to NY and just a few miles down to CT is so beautiful and rural. I loved our time there. The kids and I had so much fun exploring and the people were incredibly helpful, friendly, and kind.

Give yourself a pat on the back, bbc, you deserve it!

kat

Subject: RE: BS: bbc has moved
From: GUEST,MMario
Date: 31 Jul 03 - 12:37 PM

never fails! The little doohickie-gizmo that has sat unused in a drawer for 12 years is *vital* the day after it gets thrown out...

Subject: RE: BS: bbc has moved
From: bbc
Date: 31 Jul 03 - 12:34 PM

kat,

Isn't it amazing (& embarrassing) how much "stuff" we accumulate?! Humans have a tendency to fill up the space they have & spend the money they have. I thought I got rid of a lot (& I did), but it's still coming as a shock how much I have left. Also, naturally, I'm already finding that I made some mistakes in what I disposed of.

Barbara

Subject: RE: BS: bbc has moved
From: katlaughing
Date: 31 Jul 03 - 12:26 PM

It's a big transition, but one you seem to have been ready for and I am happy for you. You've done a great job with your kids, had yourself a reasonably great job these past few years, and now are realising another one of your major goals! Congratulations!

I still miss my kids being around the house, BUT I wouldn't want them in it all of the time, anymore, either. I've come to treasure my quiet/alone time.

Three years ago we put everything in storage and lived with our daughter for two years, then bought a small house in Colorado. Got everything from storage, had fun unpacking and arranging some, but a LOT of it is still in boxes, a shed, a caravan, and the old panel van.:-)

It has taken a year of having our stuff here for us to be ready to actually go through the bulk of it and decide what to do with most of it. Rog plans to take some comp time and spend a week with me going through it and working on the house, too. In a way I like having stuff stored away. It's a lot of fun to go through it, and realise what I'd forgotten we had!

As a friend of mine reminds me, "remember to BREATH," give yourself plenty of time to get used to this newness, and have patience with yourself.

luvyakatanother50'erthisyear!

Subject: RE: BS: bbc has moved
From: bbc
Date: 31 Jul 03 - 12:19 PM

Thanks, folks. Yesterday was very frustrating. I was trying to line up doctors & wondered if I'd die at home before I could find any (just being dramatic!). This am, I was able to make initial appointments for my son & self at a GP, as well as a needed eye exam for him--all before we go back to school! My letter carrier has offered to put up the mailbox post himself! Boy, that never would have happened in my former area! Once I've found people to do work on the house, they've been great! And, it *is* a really beautiful area. Just an awful lot to get used to at the same time. I am just on the NY side of the intersection of CT & MA.

bbc

Subject: RE: BS: bbc has moved
From: Alba
Date: 31 Jul 03 - 12:00 PM

Hi Barbara,
I sold my Home in Ireland and moved to the United States to live with my partner in Northern Maine 7 years ago now.
I remember the feeling well when I first arrived in the Country and then at the House which is in a very remote area. I was terrified.
Now...I can't imagine living anywhere else.
Time changes everything Barbara. All will be well just hang in there till you get to know your Area and the Folks in it.
Change can be overwhelming...but this too shall pass:>)
Best wishes to you.
JD
Your right about the stone in the shoe Kendall...*bg*

Subject: RE: BS: bbc has moved
From: kendall
Date: 31 Jul 03 - 11:41 AM

In a short time, you will be amazed how normal it feels. When my relationship ended, I bought a house and a dog. That was 6 years ago, and I'm feeling quite normal. Man can adjust to anything, except a stone in his shoe.

Subject: RE: BS: bbc has moved
From: Rick Fielding
Date: 31 Jul 03 - 10:51 AM

CORN-GRAT-U-LASHUNS!!

Luv

Rick

Subject: RE: BS: bbc has moved
From: Jeri
Date: 31 Jul 03 - 10:39 AM

I retired from Air Force after accumulating too much stuff (a load of which is still in boxes), and bought my first house in a really rural area in 1999. My biggest problem is and was money. I went from earning decent pay to barely scraping by. It didn't seem to matter that I'd run public health programs for populations of 9,000 and supervised offices of up to 12 people. There were lots of jobs available, but not one suited to me, especially without at least a master's degree. I found a job I liked, but it's not all year round and it doesn't pay that much.

So here I am - four years after retiring and three years after finding this job. It took me a couple of years before I quit worrying I was going to end up living in a cardboard box. I also know I could find a better paying steady job, but I'm happy with this one. One major financial disaster and I may still end up in that box, but worrying about it doesn't help.

You make the changes and you want to think "Ahhh - THAT'S done!" Nope. It's just the beginning, but it can be fun sometimes, not just scary. Do the stuff you can do on your own, then go meet people. Read the local paper to see what's going on. There's a small country store at the end of my road and at any given time during the day, there are a few folks in there just shooting the breeze. Folks hanging out there have given me tips on everything from political happenings to how to find a guy to shingle my roof or fix my septic system. Maybe you've got a little store or some other type of gathering place nearby. Go to your local town office. They usually have information about the town for newcomers.

Feeling overwhelmed is pretty normal. It'll take a while before you feel settled in, but be confident that you WILL get through the adjustment/learning phase.

Subject: RE: BS: bbc has moved
From: Amos
Date: 31 Jul 03 - 10:16 AM

Glad to see ya back, BBC!

You keep improving one thing at a time and it works out, honest it does. You have an interesting time ahead, but that's not bad!

A

Subject: RE: BS: bbc has moved
From: GUEST,MMario
Date: 31 Jul 03 - 10:11 AM

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{bbc}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

don't forget you got a pretty big "family" and tons of friends just a keyboard away!!!!!

Subject: BS: bbc has moved--help!!!
From: bbc
Date: 31 Jul 03 - 09:59 AM

One & a half weeks ago, I dramatically changed my life. After living in the outskirts of New York City for 21 years--the past 16 as a single mom in a large house in an expensive area & working for the past 5 years an hour's commute from home, I have now moved to a smaller home in a rural, less expensive area 19 miles from where I work. It's a plan I've had ever since I started my job as an elementary school librarian in a small, rural community 5 years ago. I was only waiting for my younger son to graduate from high school to put my plan into effect. Well, everything went according to plan, except there were a few things I didn't expect. The good news is that I am now in a small, comfortable house surrounded by corn fields, lakes, & mountains. The bad news is that--surprise, surprise--there are few doctors, stores, churches, etc. in this area & the house needs a lot of work. I moved from a very large house & now I am struggling to figure out where to put all this stuff I moved. How do we accumulate so much stuff?! I am starting everything fresh--having to locate shopping, tradespeople, church, as well as cleaning & unpacking alone. In a few weeks, my younger son will leave for college & I will be living alone for the 1st time in my life. I thought I was looking forward to it before I did it, but, at the moment, it's scaring the heck out of me! I feel inadequate & overwhelmed most of the time. I wonder if I've made a terrible mistake, but I suspect not. Through the gracious help of my older son, I'm back on the Internet after about 2 weeks away; at least, I can communicate again. I felt so isolated.

I turned 50 last March. My kids are both through public school & I am in a fairly stable job that I usually enjoy. I've given up on relationships working, but I, at least, thought I could make a comfortable, doable life for myself. Right now, I feel pretty shaky. Could I hear from others who've gone through life changes (&, hopefully, survived)?

Thanks,

Barbara