BS: Helpful hints

Subject: RE: BS: Helpful hints
From: greg stephens
Date: 30 Sep 04 - 06:40 AM

Don't sleep with anyone madder than yourself.

Subject: RE: BS: Helpful hints
From: Paco Rabanne
Date: 30 Sep 04 - 06:36 AM

Don't claim the 100th post too early.

Subject: RE: BS: Helpful hints
From: Paco Rabanne
Date: 30 Sep 04 - 06:01 AM

Stamp on any banjo you see. Your ears will love you forever.

Subject: RE: BS: Helpful hints
From: Rt Revd Sir jOhn from Hull
Date: 30 Sep 04 - 05:19 AM

don't put to much tomato in your bacon and tomato sandwidge, it will splop out, and go all over the carpit.

Subject: RE: BS: Helpful hints
From: greg stephens
Date: 29 Sep 04 - 05:46 AM

Don't waste money on binoculars. Stand closer to things.

Subject: RE: BS: Helpful hints
From: MBSLynne
Date: 29 Sep 04 - 05:31 AM

Probably better to have embarassing nude photos done when you are young than when you are old!

Love Lynne

Subject: RE: BS: Helpful hints
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 29 Sep 04 - 03:36 AM

Eat sh*t.....70,000,000,000 flies can't be wrong can they???
Don't eat yellow snow.

Subject: RE: BS: Helpful hints
From: GUEST,Martian Gibbon
Date: 29 Sep 04 - 03:15 AM

Arthritis? WD-40 Spray and rub in, kills insect stings too.

Subject: RE: BS: Helpful hints
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 28 Sep 04 - 10:32 PM

When gardening and you find that you can;t straighten up after trying to hoist that last shovel of sub-soil, use the shovel to help you straighten up by placing it vertically on the ground and trying to climb up it.

Subject: RE: BS: Helpful hints
From: Janie
Date: 28 Sep 04 - 08:40 PM

If you are over fifty, always garden with a boat's horn at your side so you can attract attention when you bend over to hoist that last shovel of sub-soil, and then can't straighten up.

Janie-who-has-been-there-without-the-horn-one-too-many-times.

Subject: RE: BS: Helpful hints
From: Sam L
Date: 28 Sep 04 - 07:14 PM

Have embarrassing nude photos done professionally when you're young.

Don't stand on or above this step, or if you must, be sure your pants are secured so they won't fall around your ankles. It may take you a long time to figure out how to get down.

Subject: RE: BS: Helpful hints
From: Janie
Date: 28 Sep 04 - 06:15 PM

Never fart with only two people in the room. Well, two people and a dog might work.

Janie

Subject: RE: BS: Helpful hints
From: Hand-Pulled Boy
Date: 28 Sep 04 - 05:41 PM

Never dive off the Humber Bridge.

Subject: RE: BS: Helpful hints
From: Wesley S
Date: 28 Sep 04 - 04:35 PM

In Texas we say -
"Never squat with your spurs on" and "Don't drink downstream from the heard"

And from personal experience I've learned you shouldn't use regular dishwashing liquid in a dishwasher.

Subject: RE: BS: Helpful hints
From: MBSLynne
Date: 28 Sep 04 - 03:46 PM

Trampolines must be ok or my Mother would have told me! Probably help you to give birth to a bouncing baby!

Subject: RE: BS: Helpful hints
From: Blissfully Ignorant
Date: 28 Sep 04 - 01:53 PM

Never try to convince police officers that you're sober when you're blatantly not, they won't believe you. i know this from painful experience! :( Ditto for bouncers, bar staff, mothers, etc.

Always make sure that your dinner is actually dead before you eat it.

Beware of cheap ciggarette lighters, for verily they shalt singe thy eybrows...

When confronted by an uncouth gentleman bearing an AK-47, sarcasm is not an option. that only works for action heros.

You know you're sober when you can lie on the floor without having to hold on.

Never trust a man with a beard.

The smaller the monkey, the more likely it is too rip your face of.

When faced with complete disaster, utter defiance is the ONLY recourse!

Subject: RE: BS: Helpful hints
From: GUEST,noddy
Date: 28 Sep 04 - 10:30 AM

always lift the lid of the pan before starting to wee

Subject: RE: BS: Helpful hints
From: Sttaw Legend
Date: 28 Sep 04 - 07:09 AM

Never try to get pregnant when you're horseriding.

Subject: RE: BS: Helpful hints
From: freda underhill
Date: 28 Sep 04 - 12:48 AM

Never go horseriding when you're pregnant.

Subject: RE: BS: Helpful hints
From: JennyO
Date: 28 Sep 04 - 12:28 AM

Organise your wardrobe into colour-coded sections. Staple matching shoes to each outfit.

Embroider all the days of the week onto your underpants. Each morning you will know which pair to wear.

Wear a baked garlic bulb in your shoe to ward off colds.

Subject: RE: BS: Helpful hints
From: Jim Dixon
Date: 27 Sep 04 - 07:04 PM

When you're young, buy a lifetime supply of identical socks.

Subject: RE: BS: Helpful hints
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 27 Sep 04 - 06:12 PM

Short sighted thing to do anyway eh??

Subject: RE: BS: Helpful hints
From: Once Famous
Date: 27 Sep 04 - 05:56 PM

Never misplace your glasses if you need them to find them.

Subject: RE: BS: Helpful hints
From: Blowzabella
Date: 27 Sep 04 - 05:08 PM

Don't make me angry (you won't like me when I'm angry)

Courtesy of The Incredible Hulk (but might apply to me now and again too!)

xx

Subject: RE: BS: Helpful hints
From: Bill D
Date: 27 Sep 04 - 04:12 PM

"...don't ride a motor bike in your last week of pregnancy"

but trampolines are ok?

Subject: RE: BS: Helpful hints
From: MBSLynne
Date: 27 Sep 04 - 03:44 PM

When I was first pregnant my Mother's only piece of advice was "You'll find it increasingly difficult to clean the bath, and don't ride a motor bike in your last week of pregnancy"

Love Lynne

Subject: RE: BS: Helpful hints
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 27 Sep 04 - 10:55 AM

Sez WHO?!

Subject: RE: BS: Helpful hints
From: GUEST,noddy
Date: 27 Sep 04 - 10:23 AM

it takes two to start an arguement.

OH YEAH!!

Subject: RE: BS: Helpful hints
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 25 Sep 04 - 02:37 AM

"Can't Believe It's Not Butter"?

Bullshit! Erkkk!

Subject: RE: BS: Helpful hints
From: Rt Revd Sir jOhn from Hull
Date: 25 Sep 04 - 02:06 AM

Don't buy Sunny Delight, it's shite.

Subject: RE: BS: Helpful hints
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 25 Sep 04 - 01:23 AM

Measure Three Times,
Cut Twice,
Rebuild Once.

Subject: RE: BS: Helpful hints
From: GUEST, John O'Lennaine
Date: 24 Sep 04 - 09:48 PM

Measure twice, cut once.

- This rule can actually be more trouble than it's worth. What if you get two different measurements? The rule says nothing about measuring a third time. If you do measure a third time you might end up with three different measurements.

Ah no, my friends, that way lies madness.

My advice to you is to quickly line it up with your eye and then hack right into it.

Your success rate will be far higher than you will have any reasonable right to expect.

Happy carpenting,
John

Subject: RE: BS: Helpful hints
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 24 Sep 04 - 09:02 AM

Al"koi"holics eh??

Subject: RE: BS: Helpful hints
From: Fred (Beetle) Bailey
Date: 24 Sep 04 - 09:01 AM

Never make love to a porcupine when it's on fire.

Subject: RE: BS: Helpful hints
From: Sttaw Legend
Date: 24 Sep 04 - 07:16 AM

Avoid arguments about lifting the toilet seat by simply using the sink.

High blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a while, thus reducing the pressure in your veins.

Putting just the right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl makes the fishes' eyes bulge and cause them to swim in an amusing manner.

Subject: RE: BS: Helpful hints
From: Micca
Date: 24 Sep 04 - 06:40 AM

A tidy desk is the product of a diseased mind or of someone with too much time on their hands.
Never pat a burning dog
You can fool all the people some of the time, and that is usually enough to get elected.
If you think there is some good in everyone, you haven't met everyone
Some people are like wasps at a picnic, they just KNOW how to get up your nose!!
If you have had a lot to drink and you hear someone talking Bollocks, careful, it may be YOU.

Subject: RE: BS: Helpful hints
From: Mr Red
Date: 23 Sep 04 - 07:45 AM

If you can find it - it IS tidy (OK?)

Subject: RE: BS: Helpful hints
From: Moses
Date: 23 Sep 04 - 07:34 AM

Parents:-

If you are pushed for time, remember, washing-up usually dries by itself after a while - small children seldom do.

Also:- After a while the dust doesn't get any thicker

And:- If you have to share a treat (sweets/cake etc) between two children and want to avoid the cries of "her share is bigger than mine", get the oldest child to divide the treat and the give youngest first choice. Has never failed for me!

Subject: RE: BS: Helpful hints
From: Teresa
Date: 23 Sep 04 - 04:04 AM

If you should find yourself wearing a sock on each foot from two wildly, colorfully different pairs and someone notices, tell them you have a pair just like it at home.

T

Subject: RE: BS: Helpful hints
From: Sttaw Legend
Date: 23 Sep 04 - 03:39 AM

When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking area shouting "Run for your lives, they're loose!"

Subject: RE: BS: Helpful hints
From: GUEST,noddy
Date: 22 Sep 04 - 07:10 AM

ON not of

Subject: RE: BS: Helpful hints
From: GUEST,noddy
Date: 22 Sep 04 - 07:09 AM

save of shoe leather

hop

Subject: RE: BS: Helpful hints
From: Sttaw Legend
Date: 22 Sep 04 - 07:08 AM

Save on buttons and cotton don't put any on your socks.

Subject: RE: BS: Helpful hints
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 22 Sep 04 - 05:41 AM

But don't try the above exercise with toilet paper.....mmmm

Subject: RE: BS: Helpful hints
From: DMcG
Date: 22 Sep 04 - 04:45 AM

#1: If after using both sides of the paper you turn it through ninety degrees then you can use both sides of the paper *again* quite legibly, especially if you change the colour of your pen.

#2: Do not try this when undertaking national examinations or producing your business accounts.

Subject: RE: BS: Helpful hints
From: GUEST,noddy
Date: 22 Sep 04 - 04:44 AM

Was to get thrown out of a pub:

When the barman asks if you want ice in you drink tell him there is enough water in it already.

When the barman serves up your pint ask if he can put a dram of whisky in it. When he replies yes, Tell him to fill the glass properly next time.

Tell the barman that if he wants to make more money he should serve the customers quicker.

Subject: RE: BS: Helpful hints
From: GUEST,noddy
Date: 22 Sep 04 - 04:40 AM

No matter who you vote for the government always wins.

The only animal that cannot swim is the camel.

use both sides of the paper.

When you buy socks make sure they are all the same that way when you lose one you still have a pair.

Subject: RE: BS: Helpful hints
From: GUEST,Boab
Date: 22 Sep 04 - 02:32 AM

Never shove yer Granny when she's shavin'.

Subject: RE: BS: Helpful hints
From: Rustic Rebel
Date: 21 Sep 04 - 11:37 PM

Don't use a propane torch to trim your hair.
Don't add a hare to your soup, because we all know, no-one likes to find hare in their soup.

Subject: RE: BS: Helpful hints
From: CarolC
Date: 21 Sep 04 - 11:25 PM

That's the part that sounds like fun.