BS: This not a joke. Real problem

Subject: RE: BS: This not a joke. Real problem
From: meself
Date: 20 Nov 12 - 10:13 AM

I wish you'd told us that in the first post!

Subject: RE: BS: This not a joke. Real problem
From: GUEST,VaTam on her Tab
Date: 20 Nov 12 - 07:31 AM

Actually, I rather like unresolved endings.

Subject: RE: BS: This not a joke. Real problem
From: GUEST,Eliza
Date: 20 Nov 12 - 02:15 AM

LOL Yes she can. With or without an explanation it's been very entertaining!

Subject: RE: BS: This not a joke. Real problem
From: GUEST,Stim
Date: 19 Nov 12 - 11:56 PM

I am a bit disappointed, VirginiaTam, I must admit--This is ending up a bit like "Barton Fink" or "Night Must Fall". Setting aside your legal and moral obligations, you have a literary obligation to provide some closure. You cannot start a story and wander off without solving the mystery.

Subject: RE: BS: This not a joke. Real problem
From: GUEST,skivee, guesting in
Date: 19 Nov 12 - 11:25 PM

VT< Meself is correct. I'm afraid that all signs clearly point to a human head. My research staff concur with me on this.

Subject: RE: BS: This not a joke. Real problem
From: meself
Date: 19 Nov 12 - 06:22 PM

Therefore, we can only conclude that it was a human head - possibly that of a person or persons now deceased, but that is pure speculation.

Subject: RE: BS: This not a joke. Real problem
From: VirginiaTam
Date: 19 Nov 12 - 05:31 PM

I don't know
I don't care to know
I am not going to ask my neighbour
because I think he doesn't want to know either

:~D

Subject: RE: BS: This not a joke. Real problem
From: GUEST,Guest from Sanity
Date: 19 Nov 12 - 03:21 PM

So, what was it?

GfS

Subject: RE: BS: This not a joke. Real problem
From: VirginiaTam
Date: 19 Nov 12 - 03:11 PM

I am indeed a Virginian living UK. Spelling leaps from American to English and back again, in this forum and on Facebook. The only exception is at work or in formal correspondence in the UK in which I always spell English style.

Subject: RE: BS: This not a joke. Real problem
From: GUEST,Grishka
Date: 18 Nov 12 - 03:12 PM

I see, John. My use of "Virginia" was following my perception of Mudcat conventions; for example, "ArtfulCodger" is often abbreviated "Artful", though this is not his first name. I noticed that she writes "neighbor", but the scene does seem to be set in the UK, does it not? Where parcels from Gemany are not (yet) subject to customs?

Anyway, humor or humour, some have it and some do not. I hope I do not have to add that I know many decent people from the Subcontinent.

Still waiting for the SONG CHALLENGEes - where have all those poets gone?

Subject: RE: BS: This not a joke. Real problem
From: John MacKenzie
Date: 18 Nov 12 - 09:10 AM

Ah Grishka, I'm afraid that your attempt at "English" humour is misdirected. mainly because I believe that Virginia is where Tam comes from, and not her christian name.
Yes I did know that Germany isn't across the channel from the UK, but it is still possible to swim from there to here. If you travel via the Baltic, Skagerrak, and Kattegat, resting no doubt on the Dogger Bank en route.

Subject: RE: BS: This not a joke. Real problem
From: GUEST,Eliza
Date: 18 Nov 12 - 05:29 AM

Dave's Wife, what a sad story. I'm so glad the poor dog was saved, he must have suffered terribly both physically and mentally. It's heartwarmimg to read of a rescue where the animal gets a kind home.

Subject: RE: BS: This not a joke. Real problem
From: Henry Krinkle
Date: 18 Nov 12 - 05:26 AM

Good thing the dog's been taken care of.
=(:-( ))

Subject: RE: BS: This not a joke. Real problem
From: LadyJean
Date: 17 Nov 12 - 08:27 PM

Some years ago, on a warm July day, I sent some friends a pound of cheese from the famous Pennsylvania Macaroni Company's large selection.

They thoght the package was for the downstairs neighbors. The downstairs neighbors read the address label. The package stayed in the foyer for several days, befor being disposed of, unopened.

Subject: RE: BS: This not a joke. Real problem
From: Dave'sWife
Date: 17 Nov 12 - 05:54 PM

Tghis has been quite entertaining but a tad frustrating too. Why did you not simply say that a foreign package was delivered to a neighbor who has not been at home for days and that from the smell you suspect Bioterorism, a Bomb or some kind of Homeland Security risk? Here in the USA, a Hazmat unit would have come in minutes but your poor neighbor would have wound up in GITMO. So much for my idea.

No, I would have said there was a BIOHAZARD in the hall called the local fire dept, described the odor of a dead body and then left the house.

I tried to get police to check on a nieghbor I feared dead once and they wouldn't. The guy WAS dead. His dog was barking for 3 days. I worried about the dog. By the time the cop showed up, a neighbor with a key had rescued the dog & left with the dog so the cop came, said "no barking dog and left the body there, not believing it was there. it took us and the neighbor who rescued the dog 2 more days to get the body removed in los angeles in JULY.

Guy killed himself and left his poor dog locked up with no food or water after a day or so. The poor baby was crying mournfully for 3 days and according to the nighbor would growl at him whenever he tried to use the key. he had to wait until Doggy was so worn out he welcomed intervention to rescue him.

Good news is, Doggy has a happy home now and learned to trust us. I gave him my late but great Pupper's old dog bed and sack of toys and he now lives in Pasadena. Poor doggy was only a year old he was a shepherd pit bull mix with a shaggy tail. The dead guy named him something profoundly stupid so we renamed him Paco. Paco now has a yard and family and last I heard is very happy. He lived with the neighbor who rescued him for a week and I cuddled him a lot. Paco was a good boy and now is a happy boy with stable caregivers.

Subject: RE: BS: This not a joke. Real problem
From: GUEST,Grishka
Date: 17 Nov 12 - 05:03 PM

Don't be ashamed, frogprince. Although neither you nor I are British, this thread flies the Union flag, which means British humour. Virginia will know how to take it, now that her "real problem" no longer exists. I would not dare to make jokes at the expense of persons who rightly ask for help.

BTW, for those who wonder: I know that Germany is not at the other bank of the Channel, but I took poetic license in the noble tradition of Shakespeare's Winter's Tale and Jacques Offenbach's (Meilhac's and Halévy's) Les Brigands.

Subject: RE: BS: This not a joke. Real problem
From: frogprince
Date: 16 Nov 12 - 08:07 PM

Grishka: every so often I find myself laughing my ass off at something I'm sort of ashamed of myself for laughing at. Your post is a really singular example.

Subject: RE: BS: This not a joke. Real problem
From: Janie
Date: 16 Nov 12 - 07:33 PM

Not fun for you, VaTam, but a most intriguing thread, none-the-less.

The key to a good life is learning to live with ambivalence and unanswerable questions, and this is a microcosm of that. Can't help but hope you become best friends with your neighbor over time, and, who knows, 5 years from now, the secret will finally be revealed?

Or maybe never.

As weird and bizarre as this thread had been, it has been good for Mudcat, and a bit of fun also. Everybody loves a good mystery.

Subject: RE: BS: This not a joke. Real problem
From: GUEST,Grishka
Date: 16 Nov 12 - 06:50 PM

Here is a possible explanation, for our poets:

The doctor is a gynaecologist, which explains the mysterious lady visitors who hide their faces in their pashminas. He specializes in preparing daughters of rich Indian families for marriage: matching bridegrooms, resp. mothers-in-law, will demand perfect virginity, on top of an enormous dowry.

Shortly after one such luxurious marriage, the bride discovers that the abortion had been unsuccessful, though performed under meticulous observation of orthodox Ayurveda practice. Fearing for her life, she swims through the Channel to Germany, to stay with a former schoolmate of hers who runs a curry foodstall. After several months of fever and despair, she has a stillbirth. With her last strength, she wraps the dead fetus with a bag from the foodstall. She addresses the parcel to the Doctor in England, encloses a letter of fervent accusations, and posts it, properly stamped. On her way back from the post office, she collapses dead.

It turns out that her mother-in-law has long found out her whereabouts, poisoned her curry, and watched her die. She has also read the address on the parcel, and cannot resist sending an email of taunt to the doctor. Panic-stricken, the latter leaves his office immediately, hoping that his neighbour will dispose of the corpus delicti when it starts to smell.

Subject: RE: BS: This not a joke. Real problem
From: Bert
Date: 15 Nov 12 - 04:51 AM

The song in between The Lincolnshire Poacher and The Thing is The Chandler's Wife.

Subject: RE: BS: This not a joke. Real problem
From: GUEST,Guest from Sanity
Date: 15 Nov 12 - 01:48 AM

Jeez...I remember 'The Thing' by Phil Harris, as well. We had it on a 45, and played the shit out of it...we were kids.

So much for the turd package from hell.

GfS

Subject: RE: BS: This not a joke. Real problem
From: GUEST,VaTam on her Tab
Date: 15 Nov 12 - 01:45 AM

Well Stim, p'raps it was a package of good will that was left ignored so long that it soured. I don't have the kind of relationship with my neighbour that I can just ask, what was that thing that set up such a foul reek?

Subject: RE: BS: This not a joke. Real problem
From: GUEST,Stim
Date: 14 Nov 12 - 08:01 PM

Quite disappointed here, VaTam-you could have at least asked your neighbor if he was expecting anything.

The only good thing that's come of it is that pleasant exchange between Don and Henry. Perhaps I'm just a bit sentimental, with the holidays coming and all, but I was touched by that...

Subject: RE: BS: This not a joke. Real problem
From: Don Firth
Date: 14 Nov 12 - 01:53 PM

Although I haven't heard the song in years, "The Thing" started going through my head like an ear-worm this morning. And I noted that I was a little off in my statement that the tune was "exactly" the same as the tune for "The Lincolnshire Poacher." It is very, very close, but it's not exactly the same.

It could, however be sung to the same tune and most people wouldn't notice. Just wanted to clear that up.

As to the package:   I guess we may never find out what was in it. But it did leave those of us with a predilection for writing fiction a good starting point of a whole variety of stories.

For example, I wonder what Edgar Allan Poe might do with this. . . .

Don Firth

Subject: RE: BS: This not a joke. Real problem
From: GUEST,Grishka
Date: 14 Nov 12 - 01:31 PM

Seconded, Henry. Preferably, make it a SONG CHALLENGE. Admittedly, it is hard to compete with Phil Harris and Charles O'Hegarty, but there must be new ways of songwriting, given today's rich experience with horror movies. The "Body Snatchers" have aged quite a bit as well.

Subject: RE: BS: This not a joke. Real problem
From: Henry Krinkle
Date: 14 Nov 12 - 07:56 AM

I suppose this thread should be moved to music related now.
=(:-( ))

Subject: RE: BS: This not a joke. Real problem
From: Will Fly
Date: 14 Nov 12 - 07:26 AM

The Lincolnshire Poacher - via an outing to the Carribbean - was also the basis for Sonny Rollins's fabulous composition "St. Thomas". His mother used to sing him the tune - in calypso rhythm - when he was young.

Try humming the Lincolnshire Poacher with a bit of West Indian swing and - lo and behold - St. Thomas!

Subject: RE: BS: This not a joke. Real problem
From: Henry Krinkle
Date: 14 Nov 12 - 06:55 AM

Good to know.
=(:-( ))

Subject: RE: BS: This not a joke. Real problem
From: MGM·Lion
Date: 14 Nov 12 - 06:33 AM

According to Roud, Alan Lomax recorded it from Harry Cox of Catfield, Norfolk. Bert, a Suffolk man himself, always maintained its origin as Suffolk.

Subject: RE: BS: This not a joke. Real problem
From: MGM·Lion
Date: 14 Nov 12 - 06:16 AM

Phil Harris's 'The Thing' had a traditional analogue/forerunner, from which I suspect he derived it: ~~ Suffolk song The Farm Servant; similar tho not identical tune, same device of rat-tertat as euphemism for the unmentionable. I learned it from Bert Lloyd; it is on my youtube channel.

~M~

Subject: RE: BS: This not a joke. Real problem
From: GUEST,Eliza
Date: 14 Nov 12 - 06:11 AM

West Africans love smelly dried fish. It really pongs and they often try to bring it over on a plane in their hand luggage. By the time it gets here the stench makes your eyes water. Customs usually confiscate it as a health hazard. I've had pupils on trips to France buy stinky Camembert bought at local markets. It turns into liquid and can really hum after the journey on the coach. Their parents usually bin it straight away.

Subject: RE: BS: This not a joke. Real problem
From: GUEST,CS
Date: 14 Nov 12 - 05:24 AM

Years ago, when my mother was living in England a nutty old Aunt from Ireland sent them a home butchered chicken by post.

She said it had been so badly wrapped, that by the time it arrived there was no paper left, it was just a plucked chicken with a bit of string tied around it to which the label was attached. Days travelling across land and sea to reach them - it stank to high heaven. Amazing that their posty actually delivered the thing.

Subject: RE: BS: This not a joke. Real problem
From: Henry Krinkle
Date: 14 Nov 12 - 04:06 AM

He was a great entertainer.
=(:-( ))

Subject: RE: BS: This not a joke. Real problem
From: GUEST,Eliza
Date: 14 Nov 12 - 03:44 AM

VTam, just very glad it's no longer a worry for you. It's been very amusing for us all speculating, but at the end of the day it's been you who had to smell it and cope with it! Thank goodness your neighbour is okay and The Thing is now disposed of.

Subject: RE: BS: This not a joke. Real problem
From: Don Firth
Date: 13 Nov 12 - 11:10 PM

The tune for Phil Harris's "The Thing" is exactly the same as the tune for "The Lincolnshire Poacher."

Where the ellipses (three dots) are, tap the front of your guitar, or whatever, three times. "Bump-bump-Bump!" Emphasize the first and third tap.

Thanks for the words, Henry!

Don Firth

P. S. I remember that song from when Phil Harris first did it on the radio.

Subject: RE: BS: This not a joke. Real problem
From: Henry Krinkle
Date: 13 Nov 12 - 11:01 PM

I'm very observant. Military training and all.
=(:-( ))

Subject: RE: BS: This not a joke. Real problem
From: Gibb Sahib
Date: 13 Nov 12 - 10:52 PM

hmmm...

Confusing, your terminology. First you talk about "Asian" gift wrap. By that do you mean "South Asian," as in Pakistani/Indian? When I first read and saw "Asian," I assumed you meant parts further East, and the "chemical" smell made it sound like a durian. They can be shipped frozen (at which time they don't stink)... smell would come as it thaws.

Then you said the gent has a "mid-eastern" name. What's a mid-eastern name? Arab? Persian? Turkish? But the women wear "sari"... that's Indian dress, not Middle Eastern.

Diwali is for Hindus... so it seems doubtful that a Hindu would have a "mid-eastern" name.

Muslims in India and Pakistan celebrate 'Id with sacrifice of/eating of goat. This 'Id holiday was about the date you describe. Kringle's guess of a goat [head] might not be so far off!

Subject: RE: BS: This not a joke. Real problem
From: Mrrzy
Date: 13 Nov 12 - 10:03 PM

OK, now, I'm confused.

Oh, wait - maybe I'm not...

Subject: RE: BS: This not a joke. Real problem
From: Bert
Date: 13 Nov 12 - 09:47 PM

Weighs less than a human head! Well I guess it could be a Republican head.

Subject: RE: BS: This not a joke. Real problem
From: Henry Krinkle
Date: 13 Nov 12 - 07:08 PM

Go dig it out of the trash and open it.
We can't bear the not knowing.....
=(:-( D)

Subject: RE: BS: This not a joke. Real problem
From: Henry Krinkle
Date: 13 Nov 12 - 06:35 PM

Reminds me of Phil Harris's The Thing:

While I was walkin' down the beach One bright and sunny day I saw a great big wooden box A-floatin' in the bay I pulled it in and opened it up And much to my surprise Oh, I discovered a... Right before my eyes Oh, I discovered a... Right before my eyes

I picked it up and ran to town As happy as a king I took it to a guy I knew Who'd buy most anything But this is what he hollered at me As I walked in his shop "Oh, get out of here with that... Before I call a cop" "Oh, get out of here with that... Before I call a cop"

I turned around and got right out A-runnin' for my life And then I took it home with me To give it to my wife But this is what she hollered at me As I walked in the door "Oh, get out of here with that... And don't come back no more" "Oh, get out of here with that... And don't come back no more"

[Instrumental Interlude]

I wandered all around the town Until I chanced to meet A hobo who was lookin' for A handout on the street He said he'd take most any old thing He was a desperate man But when I showed him the... He turned around and ran Oh, when I showed him the... He turned around and ran

I wandered on for many years A victim of my fate Until one day I came upon St Peter at the gate And when I tried to take it inside He told me where to go Get out of here with that... And take it down below Oh, get out of here with that... And take it down below

The moral of this story is If you're out on the beach And you should see a great big box And it's within your reach Don't ever stop and open it up That's my advice to you 'Cause you'll never get rid of the... No matter what you do Oh, you'll never get rid of the... No matter what you do

Subject: RE: BS: This not a joke. Real problem
From: GUEST
Date: 13 Nov 12 - 05:32 PM

That mysterious Dr has been suspiciously too fast to dispose of the evidence ?

Anyone who's ever watched "Invasion of the Body Snatchers"
should be wary of any basket ball sized parcels
and avoid falling asleep...

"They're here already! You're next! You're next!"

Subject: RE: BS: This not a joke. Real problem
From: Ed T
Date: 13 Nov 12 - 03:51 PM

""Since it has been determined that this package weighs less than a human head (with or without the neck?) then I would guess that it isn't a turkey""

ummm, can't say I actually weighed a human head lately??? Or, ever????

Butttt,

That does not rule out turkey meat (deli type, or sliced turkey breast)- or even a really small turkey, let's say a "young un", grown specifically for the single man on a light diet:)

Subject: RE: BS: This not a joke. Real problem
From: Don Firth
Date: 13 Nov 12 - 02:12 PM

We may never know the contents of the package. But as I was reading this, I recalled a song that I heard someone sing about three decades ago. Perhaps--?

THE BODY IN THE BAG
(Charles O'Hegarty)

Our old cat died last night
Me wife says to bury it out of sight
But we didn't have a garden;
We was livin' in a flat
So what was I to do with the body of a cat,
Then a big brown paper bag I spied
I put our old dead kittycat inside.
And now I'm off down the street with the body in the bag,
The body in the bag, ta ra ra.

I went off down the street to have a whisky neat
And carefully laid my dead cat underneath my seat.
Then I got down on my hands and knees;
Went halfway through the town,
When the barman stops me,
"Here's your parcel Mr. Brown."
So I had to thank the silly fool
And give him half a crown
For bringing me the body in the bag.

I threw it in the river but the hero of a play,
Well he jumped right in after,
Shouting, "Hip hip hip, hooray!"
Then he crawled out on the bank
And he stood there in a pool.
He said, "I'm really rather wet
And also rather cool."
So I had to take me trousers off
And give 'em to the fool
For bringing me the body in the bag.

Well, I crept off down the street as quiet as a mouse
An' carefully laid me burden on
The doorstep of a house,
When the door it was flung open
And a lady dressed in blue
said, "Pardonnez-moi monsieur,
But do you want a room?"
I said, "Good heavens no, an' I've got
Something else to do!"
And skeddaddled with the body in the bag.

I crept into a garden, feeling very brave,
And with a pick and shovel I commenced to dig a grave,
But I got an awful shock when a voice behind me said,
"You're digging my potatoes!"
Oh, you could've shot me dead.
But there I was a-diggin' in his cauliflower bed,
So I hit him with the body in the bag.

All at once from in the bag
There came a plaintive meow
Say Puss, "I'm dead no longer,
You needn't bother now.
You've often heard it said
That a cat has got nine lives,
Well, I'm a married Tabby,
One of Tommy's wives
And our families they usually come
In threes, and fours, and fives..."
But there were seven little bodies in the bag!

Don Firth

Subject: RE: BS: This not a joke. Real problem
From: Lizzie Cornish 1
Date: 13 Nov 12 - 01:43 PM

Oh, POO!

You **can't** leave us there, Tam!
You HAVE to go and unwrap what, or WHO, is in the dustbin!!

This is better than any novel of Agatha Christie and she'd be rummaging amongst the rubbish right now, whilst typing out her *best* thriller, EVER!

Subject: RE: BS: This not a joke. Real problem
From: John MacKenzie
Date: 13 Nov 12 - 01:03 PM

AND the neighbour was all right too.

Subject: RE: BS: This not a joke. Real problem
From: VirginiaTam
Date: 13 Nov 12 - 01:01 PM

Whew!

When we got home, I noticed that window curtains had changed and TV like light coming out of the smaller front bedroom. We were parked directly beneath their windows.

The bag was still in hall, so I knocked on door. Neighbor was home safe and obviously took my advice not to open bag. He had come in shortly before we got home from work and planned to take the bag to bin.

When I explained the parcel was gift wrapped, with shipping label from Germany and suggested perhaps it is a Diwali gift? It was like a light bulb coming on.

He seemed quite happy to throw it away without a look inside. I feel relieved that I don't have to worry about him or it any more.

Checked phone for messages in case the police called. They did and said that we should call the courier to come and take the package away. As if I would risk opening those bags. So much for support if you fear someone might be making bombs or trafficking illegal goods. Environmental health nor police no good whatever.

Game is now over, sorry that the curious will never know what the contents are/were. But we did have fun speculating.

Subject: RE: BS: This not a joke. Real problem
From: Donuel
Date: 13 Nov 12 - 11:46 AM

Administrator
please make copy of this thread and send to the CDC.

It may help them them determine ground zero for the global pandemic plague of 2012.





thanks for the vacuum pack tip, they look virtually corporate now.

Subject: RE: BS: This not a joke. Real problem
From: GUEST,Daily Mail reader aged 95
Date: 13 Nov 12 - 11:30 AM

.. a foreign Dr did you say ?, a foreign parcel ? foul foreign odours ?

bloody foreigners !!!???

Bound to be up to no good !!!

Alert the Home Guard, barricade the doors, issue rifles to the Boy Scouts,..

We're under attack from dastardly foreign spies and Fifth Columnists !!!!!!!

Subject: RE: BS: This not a joke. Real problem
From: John MacKenzie
Date: 13 Nov 12 - 11:17 AM

It's a bag of green jello!