The Nice But Dim Knight

Subject: RE: The Nice But Dim Knight
From: GUEST,Ralphie
Date: 15 Jul 08 - 04:27 AM

BLUE EYED ELLA (Mr E C Smith. Weston, Lewis County 1915)

Way down in yonder valley, where the early flowers bloom
There lies my blue-eyed Ella, so silent in the tomb
She died not broken-hearted, that caused her cruel fate
Twas the fish pie bought from TESCOs, long past its sell-by date.

Subject: RE: The Nice But Dim Knight
From: Bryn Pugh
Date: 15 Jul 08 - 04:21 AM

I went into an alehouse I used to frequent
And told the landlady my money was spent.

She told me to fuck off.

Subject: RE: The Nice But Dim Knight
From: Jack Blandiver
Date: 15 Jul 08 - 03:50 AM

Said my Lord to my Lady as he mounted his horse,
here's the cheque for Long Lankin, though, if he'd rather, pay cash...

Subject: RE: The Nice But Dim Knight
From: theleveller
Date: 15 Jul 08 - 03:31 AM

Should read.. and in the BED did get.

Subject: RE: The Nice But Dim Knight
From: theleveller
Date: 15 Jul 08 - 03:26 AM

Little Musgrave offers endless possibilities!

Come home with me you Little Musgrave
And lay upon my breast
For by your codpiece I can see
That you were named in jest.

And later…..

"And how do you like my feather bed
And how do you like my sheets
And how do you like my lady gay
Who lies in your arms asleep?"

"It's well I like your feather bed
It's better I like your sheets
And it's better I like your lady gay
Who lies in my arms asleep".

Lord Donald then his clothes put off
And in the get did get
Saying: 'If you think my lady's gay
You ain't seen nothing yet!'

Isn't this the best thread ever?

Subject: RE: The Nice But Dim Knight
From: Rapparee
Date: 14 Jul 08 - 09:51 PM

In the Tower of London late at night
The ghost of Anne Boleyn walks, they declare.
They've also see a dragon and sprite
Three poltergeists, four pixies, and a mare.

Subject: RE: The Nice But Dim Knight
From: Effsee
Date: 14 Jul 08 - 09:37 PM

As I was walking all alane
I heard twa corbies makin' a mane

I thought " What a bluidy racket!"

Subject: RE: The Nice But Dim Knight
From: Surreysinger
Date: 14 Jul 08 - 05:55 PM

The Bloody Gardener (extract)

This young maid then arose and into the garden goes
Expecting there to meet her hearts delight
She searched the garden all around
No young man could be found .... so she trotted off home again, muttering "Bastard" under her breath .....

Subject: RE: The Nice But Dim Knight
From: Phil Edwards
Date: 14 Jul 08 - 04:48 PM

The gardener standing by,
Three offers he made to me,
So I slapped his face.

Subject: RE: The Nice But Dim Knight
From: Rapparee
Date: 14 Jul 08 - 04:44 PM

"...how can I keep from singing?"
A little self control, perhaps?

Subject: RE: The Nice But Dim Knight
From: fat B****rd
Date: 14 Jul 08 - 03:15 PM

"Children, go where I send thee"
........er...I can't think of anything funny...

Subject: RE: The Nice But Dim Knight
From: Michael
Date: 14 Jul 08 - 01:32 PM

Hey gairdner child, is that a red rose in your hand ar are you just pleased to See me?

Mike

Subject: RE: The Nice But Dim Knight
From: Rapparee
Date: 14 Jul 08 - 12:27 PM

Queen Eleanor was a sick woman and afraid that she would die
"That's what I get," Queen Eleanor said, "for drinking wine and rye."

Subject: RE: The Nice But Dim Knight
From: theleveller
Date: 14 Jul 08 - 12:13 PM

LOL!!!!!

Subject: RE: The Nice But Dim Knight
From: Michael
Date: 14 Jul 08 - 11:58 AM

Said my lord to my lady, as he mounted his horse:
"Beware of Long Lankin that lives in the moss."


Said my lord to my lady, as he rode away:
"Beware of Long Lankin that lives in the hay."


"Let the doors be all bolted and the windows all pinned,
And leave not a hole for a mouse to creep in."


So he kissed his fair lady and he rode away,
And he was in fair London before the break of day.


The doors were all bolted and the windows all pinned,
Except one little window where Long Lankin crept in.

"Come here little bugger" she cried as he came
"let's see if you really live up to your name"


Mike

Subject: RE: The Nice But Dim Knight
From: Michael
Date: 14 Jul 08 - 11:33 AM

How do ye like me bed," he said, "and how do you like me sheets?"
"How do you like me fair lady, that lies in your arms asleep?"

Who? Her? Wouldn't touch her with a barge-pole, this is The Handsome Cabin Boy squire.

Mike

Subject: RE: The Nice But Dim Knight
From: TheSnail
Date: 14 Jul 08 - 09:27 AM

"How do ye like me bed," he said, "and how do you like me sheets?"
"How do you like me fair lady, that lies in your arms asleep?"

Well... I've had worse.

Subject: RE: The Nice But Dim Knight
From: Rapparee
Date: 14 Jul 08 - 08:59 AM

We're tenting tonight on the old camp ground
God! I wish we'd dug latrines.

Subject: RE: The Nice But Dim Knight
From: GUEST,Ralphie
Date: 14 Jul 08 - 04:09 AM

THE HANGMANS TREE (Hazel K Black, Pine Grove Wetzel County)

Ropeman, Ropeman, slack your rope
Slack it for a while
For I think I see my father a-coming
Away off many a mile

Father, Father, have you any gold?
Gold to set me free?
Or did you come to see me hang
Beneath this green oak tree?

No, O no, I haven't any gold
Gold to set you free.

Would have liked to, but I had a letter from my bank manager this morning, and I haven't got the equity at the moment....
No doubt you've heard about the Credit Crunch.
Sorry, and all that, I blame Gordon Brown for his misguided fiscal policy.

(FX...Sound of Dropping Body, which is an obscure dance figure that comes after Stripping the Widow)

The End

Subject: RE: The Nice But Dim Knight
From: Rapparee
Date: 13 Jul 08 - 10:56 PM

Had an old dog and his name was Blue,
Had an old dog and his name was Blue,
Had an old dog and his name was Blue,
He had rabies and we had to have him put down....


It is the same auld shillelagh me father brought from Ireland
Only now it full of termites and dry rot. Yuck!

Subject: RE: The Nice But Dim Knight
From: Barbara
Date: 13 Jul 08 - 10:28 PM

In the Malpas Wassail, a friend of mine always sang:

Oh the master and the mistress sitting down at their ease
Put your hands in your pockets and squeeze what you please

Blessings,
Barbara

Subject: RE: The Nice But Dim Knight
From: GUEST,Ralphie
Date: 13 Jul 08 - 10:47 AM

KELLSWATER (LAST VERSE)

He placed a gold ring on her finger
Saying "Love bear this in your mind
If ever I sail from old Ireland,
I'll mind not to leave you behind"
Here's a health unto bonny Kellswater
Where you get all the pleasures of life,
Where you get all the fishing and fowling,
And a bonnie wee stoat for your wife.

(Comes in useful whilst ferreting abroad, probably fighting for strangers,)

GAMEKEEPERS LIE SLEEPING.

Well, I've got a dog and a good dog too,
Lucky me! It's a Rottweiller......

Subject: RE: The Nice But Dim Knight
From: Leadfingers
Date: 13 Jul 08 - 10:31 AM

Which gives me another 100 th !!

Subject: RE: The Nice But Dim Knight
From: Leadfingers
Date: 13 Jul 08 - 10:30 AM

The FULL readers Digest version of Rapaires !

One night in the Wild West town of El Paso

I met a girl and I got shot and died !

Subject: RE: The Nice But Dim Knight
From: GUEST,Singers Knight
Date: 13 Jul 08 - 09:00 AM

There were three score and ten
Boys and men
Heard the weather forecast
And came home again!

and

The gallant frigate aconite
grew well on Plymouth Sound

The old 'uns are definitely the best!

Subject: RE: The Nice But Dim Knight
From: DMcG
Date: 13 Jul 08 - 07:46 AM

I've travelled east, I've travelled west,
I've travelled by Kirkcaudy
But the bonniest lass that e'er I saw
She was stalking her collier laddie.

Subject: RE: The Nice But Dim Knight
From: Surreysinger
Date: 13 Jul 08 - 07:32 AM

THE MISTLETOE BOUGH (extract)


I'm tired of dancing now she cried
Here tarry a moment, I'll hide, I'll hide
And Lovell be sure thou'rt the first to trace
The clues to my secret hiding place.
Away she ran and her friends began
Each tower to search and each nook to scan
"Oh where dost thou hide" Young Lovel cried......

.........Oh there you are ... gotcha!!

Subject: RE: The Nice But Dim Knight
From: GUEST,Ralphie
Date: 13 Jul 08 - 02:40 AM

THE DRUMMER BOY OF WATERLOO

When battle roused each warlike band
And carnage loud her trumpet blew
Young Edwin left his native land

And decided, on reflection, that he'd prefer to go clubbing in Ibiza this summer.....

Subject: RE: The Nice But Dim Knight
From: Rapparee
Date: 12 Jul 08 - 09:20 PM

...If there's anyone can help me it's my brother in the Army,
He's never been much help before and he's really very barmy....

Subject: RE: The Nice But Dim Knight
From: GUEST,bardan
Date: 12 Jul 08 - 08:39 PM

I took off my pants and i did salute her

Subject: RE: The Nice But Dim Knight
From: Rapparee
Date: 11 Jul 08 - 09:57 PM

As I was a-goin' o'er the far-famed Kerry Mountain
I met with Colonel Farrell who was pissing like a fountain....

Subject: RE: The Nice But Dim Knight
From: Joe_F
Date: 11 Jul 08 - 08:32 PM

Of some antiquity:

A Maraschino cherry, it has no stone.
Chicken a la king, it has no bone.
The story of stupidity, it has no end.
A baby when it's strangled, there's no cryen.

On various occasions I have supplied the wife's side of a certain story:

My husband never tires of lying around.
He drinks like a fish, and he sings like a hound.
He eats like a pig and makes love like a troll,
And the day he drops dead, I will fathom the bowl.

-- and tied up the loose end of another one:

The middle daughter ran off with the prince,
Bow down, bow down,...
And neither of them has been heard from since.
I will be true,...

Subject: RE: The Nice But Dim Knight
From: Surreysinger
Date: 11 Jul 08 - 04:45 PM

Absolutely none whatsoever!!!

Subject: RE: The Nice But Dim Knight
From: GUEST,Ralphie
Date: 11 Jul 08 - 03:41 PM

Come all you tender hearted chaps,
I hope you'll lend an ear.
And likewise pay attention,
To these few I lines I have here.
It's all in praise of a pretty maid
I mean to use my quill.
She was the blooming rose of Antrim,

And I hope she's on the pill......

No excuse I know.....

Subject: RE: The Nice But Dim Knight
From: SqueezeMe
Date: 11 Jul 08 - 10:23 AM

The gallant frigate Anthracite
She burned in Plymouth Sound

also....

The gallant frigate Araldite
She's stuck in Plymouth Sound

(Thanks for the inspiration, Ralphie!)

Subject: RE: The Nice But Dim Knight
From: theleveller
Date: 11 Jul 08 - 10:21 AM

Wheear 'as ta bin sin ah saw thee?
Buyin' meesen a bleedin' 'at!

Subject: RE: The Nice But Dim Knight
From: theleveller
Date: 11 Jul 08 - 10:12 AM

As it fell out upon a day
As many in the year
Musgrave to the church did go
To see fair ladies there

And some came down in red velvet
And some came down in Pall
And the last to come down was the Lady Barnard
The fairest of them all

She's cast a look on the Little Musgrave
As bright as the summer sun
She said: "I've got the vicar coming round
Do come for tea and buns"

Subject: RE: The Nice But Dim Knight
From: Rapparee
Date: 11 Jul 08 - 09:03 AM

One pleasant evening in the month of June
As I walked, weaving, toward my room
A peeler stood by an ivy bush
And I was taken up for drunk and disorderly, resisting, and a bunch of other things.

Subject: RE: The Nice But Dim Knight
From: quokka
Date: 11 Jul 08 - 08:36 AM

I wonder what is keeping my true love this night?
Happy hour at the pub

Subject: RE: The Nice But Dim Knight
From: A Wandering Minstrel
Date: 11 Jul 08 - 07:58 AM

Sovay, Sovay, all on a day
She decked herself in girls array
and with skein and scissors all at her side
She sat in the garden
she sat in the garden and her needle plied...

Subject: RE: The Nice But Dim Knight
From: Bryn Pugh
Date: 11 Jul 08 - 07:02 AM

Perhaps not "folk", but here goes :

Some day my Prince will come

said Snow White, changing hands again . . .

I'll get me coat.

Subject: RE: The Nice But Dim Knight
From: Bryn Pugh
Date: 11 Jul 08 - 06:58 AM

With me doorum dah, fol the diddle-ah, di ree fol the diddle derry o.

I really must learn the correct words one of these days.

Subject: RE: The Nice But Dim Knight
From: GUEST,Kevin Parker
Date: 11 Jul 08 - 06:49 AM

Said Red Molly to James 'that's a fine motor bike'

'No, actually mine's the Honda Civic parked behind it'

Subject: RE: The Nice But Dim Knight
From: GUEST,Ralphie
Date: 11 Jul 08 - 05:08 AM

The Gallant Frigate Amphitrite.
She sank in Plymouth Sound

End

Subject: RE: The Nice But Dim Knight
From: Rapparee
Date: 10 Jul 08 - 10:44 PM

...He had not gone but a mile or twa,
When he heard the dead-bell knellin'
And he turned his horse's head away
Sayin', "Screw you, Barbara Allen."


See who comes over the red-blossomed heather:
It's Sam, Bill, and Jenny and the lovely blonde, Claire....


'Twas down by the glenside I met an old woman
A-plucking young nettles, and she ne'er saw me comin'
And I listened a while to the sounds she was makin'
"Ouch! Dammit! Ta hell with the lot of 'em! Ya want bloody nettles ya pick the buggers yerself!"

Subject: RE: The Nice But Dim Knight
From: Gurney
Date: 10 Jul 08 - 06:01 PM

A fine young man, it was indeed,
came a-riding on his milk-white steed.
He rode and he rode, he rode all alone.
He'd heard all about 'lovely' Joan!


In the interests of punctiliousness: 'Outlandish' didn't mean strange, just that he was a Geordie.
Hold on, let me think about that.....

Subject: RE: The Nice But Dim Knight
From: Steve Gardham
Date: 10 Jul 08 - 05:10 PM

Twas homeward bound one night on the deep,
Swinging in my hammock I fell asleep,
I dreamed a dream and I followed through
I was jolly-rogered by that cursed crew!

There was Captain Thompson from Scarborough Town,
Brave Griffin and Parry of great renown,
There was Captain Ross and so many more
Had all been at it since we left the shore.

And now my backside it gives me pain,
To regain my innocence I'd cross the main,
Ten thousand pounds I would freely pay,
To save my passage for another day.

With apologies to Lady Franklin.

Subject: RE: The Nice But Dim Knight
From: Phil Edwards
Date: 10 Jul 08 - 04:45 PM

He was much reduced, which caused great confusion,
And that was the reason that he consolidated all his debts into one affordable loan...


As I was going to Aylesbury,
All on a market day
A pretty little Aylesbury girl
I met upon the way
Her business was to market
With butter, cheese and whey,
And we got chatting and discovered we had several mutual friends and quite a number of common interests.
Which was nice.

Subject: RE: The Nice But Dim Knight
From: Steve Gardham
Date: 10 Jul 08 - 03:54 PM

Now I'm warning yer all! They're not gonna like it the next time you're sat in a serious singaround and Mrs Scroggins has just reached the fortieth verse of Barbara Allen, and you suddenly burst out laffin'! Mark my words, there'll be tears!

Subject: RE: The Nice But Dim Knight
From: Rapparee
Date: 10 Jul 08 - 03:22 PM

Oh! My boat can safely float in the teeth of wind and weather
And outrace the fastest hooker between Galway and Kinsale;
When the black floor of the ocean and the white foam rush together,
High she rides, in her pride, while I feed fishes o'er the rail.