worst rhyme ever

Subject: RE: worst rhyme ever
From: GUEST
Date: 14 Sep 06 - 04:16 AM

My current favorite rhyme is from Mr. Mitch benn, who did "Hamlet" in the style of Eminem:

"Christopher Marlowe, you'd better stay outa my way.
I drop bombs when I write my plays, bitch
using my skillz and my talent with grammar ta
kick your ass in iambic pentameter"

Point to Mr. Benn for rhyming with "Iambic Pentameter".

Subject: RE: worst rhyme ever
From: webfolk
Date: 14 Sep 06 - 03:58 AM

He wrote a note it said, 'give us a job son!'
Sent it off to Bobby Robson
But he finally had to admit defeat

From 'Howay the Lads' by Geoff Rodgers

Geoff (Rodgers)

Subject: RE: worst rhyme ever
From: alison
Date: 14 Sep 06 - 03:00 AM

Bread (I think)
"you sheltered me from harm, kept me warm,"

another vote for "songs she brang to me"

slainte

alison

Subject: RE: worst rhyme ever
From: darkriver
Date: 14 Sep 06 - 02:04 AM

Kudos to McGrath of Harlow for "most of the "terrible rhymes", like the Lehrer ones, are actually perfect rhymes, just a bit unexpected."

None of the rhymes given as examples are really "terrible"; mostly just unexpected, near, slant, or deliberately (perversely) forced.

Why? English is probably one of the most rhyme-poor of languages, and so the tradition of near or complex rhymes has established itself.

If it's truly bad rhymes you want, in the sense of a tin ear or incompetence or impatience (in working out a good fit), then you could not do better (or is it worse?) than America's own Julia A. Moore, the Sweet Singer of Michigan (1847-1920). Whereas McGonigall's poems have a certain badness, he executes them with such great gusto and cheer. Mrs. Moore, on the other hand, became famous (or notorious) for her unending series of poems about dead infants and other morbid, "serious" topics.

You want a bad rhyme? Try Mrs. Moore's "Temperence Reform Clubs":
    Some enterprising people,
       In our cities and towns,
    Have gone to organizing clubs
       Of men that's fallen down.

Ogden Nash has acknowledged his debt to her; of her, as James Camp writes in Pegasus Descending:

few poets have so assiduously cultivated the line that rambles on for as long as necessary, nor produced more surpising rhymes. Given the first three lines of this quatrain, who could predict the way the fourth would end?
    Many a man joined a club
      That never drank a dram,
    These noble men were kind and brave,
      They do not care ------------.


...It goes, "They do not care for slang."
As the anonymous editor of a [reprint of one of her books]... has remarked, Mrs. Moore "not only conveys information, but she brings the mind up with a jerk. We look around quickly to see what made the noise, and feel instinctively for our money and our watch."

Doug

Subject: RE: worst rhyme ever
From: Skivee
Date: 13 Sep 06 - 10:06 PM

It's not the rhyme, but the sickening sacharinitiod that gives me hives.

Subject: RE: worst rhyme ever
From: Joe_F
Date: 13 Sep 06 - 10:04 PM

Better a parvenu
Living luxuriously on Park Arvenue
Than a Schuyler or Van Rensselaer
Living inexpensselaer. -- Ogden Nash

Forcing the reader to invent "inexpensivelier" just for the purpose of misrhyming it is a true masterpiece of prosodic impudence. One might also give honorable mention (in the nonrhotic division) to his rhyming "Junior" with "Pennsylvunia".

Any collection of *serious* bad rhymes should surely include Joe Hill's in "Union Maid":

Shall we still be slaves and work for wages?
It is outrageous --
Has been for ages.

Subject: RE: worst rhyme ever
From: Genie
Date: 13 Sep 06 - 09:47 PM

Why is that a bad rhyme?   The lyric may be Hallmark-esque, but "do" and "you" seem like perfectly good rhymes to me.

Subject: RE: worst rhyme ever
From: bobad
Date: 13 Sep 06 - 09:46 PM

Marten Hartwell Story
Stompin' Tom Connors

"Oh, Mr. Hartwell," said the nurse
"I [G7]pray that you will [C]guide us
To save this woman with her child
And the [G7]boy with appendi[C]citis."

Subject: RE: worst rhyme ever
From: Skivee
Date: 13 Sep 06 - 09:23 PM

The great Louis Armstrong dropped this stink bomb in "It's A Wonderful World":
I see friends shaking hands
Saying,"How do you do"?
They're really saying, "I love you"

Subject: RE: worst rhyme ever
From: dick greenhaus
Date: 13 Sep 06 - 08:32 PM

Any of the several pieces of doggerel that rhyme "Christmas" with "isthmus"

Subject: RE: worst rhyme ever
From: Tattie Bogle
Date: 13 Sep 06 - 07:45 PM

From one of my own songs, "The Puffin is a Funny Bird"

He takes off at a mighty run and flaps like mad to get airborne
So when he crashes back on land, he looks a little care-worn.

And later (referring to his diet of sand-eels):

Six,seven, eight, nine, ten or more, his beak is heavy laden,
It's even harder now to fly, when he is just so weighed-down.

And a newer song:

When I took them to market, 'twas just for a lark, it

And

I would dine like a princess
On best topside mince - yes

All done deliberately to provoke groans, of course!

Subject: RE: worst rhyme ever
From: pdq
Date: 13 Sep 06 - 07:01 PM

TV Western theme about a man named John Slaughter:

                Texas John Slaughter
                  Made 'em do what they oughter
                  For they didn't they'd die!

Subject: RE: worst rhyme ever
From: GUEST,oldhippie
Date: 13 Sep 06 - 06:30 PM

"Better fly, butterfly, or
batter fry, butterfly"

- Nancy Tucker

Subject: RE: worst rhyme ever
From: Mrrzy
Date: 13 Sep 06 - 05:38 PM

My fave, Tom Lehrer of course, is in the song about Smut! Give me smut and nothing but! A dirty novel I can't shut...
if it's uncut...
and uusubt-
tle

Subject: RE: worst rhyme ever
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 13 Sep 06 - 05:36 PM

My all-time least favorite rhyme is from the Christmas song "Sleigh Ride"

Outside the snow is falling and friends are calling "Yoo hoo!"
You know it's lovely weather for a sleigh ride together with you.

How often do you call "Yoo hoo!"? I don't believe I ever have. Especially if it's freezing-ass cold outside. The whole idea disgusts me. In fact, that rhyme is a major reason why I'm such a Scrooge. I hate Christmas because I hate the idea of people calling "Yoo hoo!".

Now, if the lyricist had written

Outside the snow is falling and puppies are turning blue.

it would still be disgusting, but at least it'd be funny.

Subject: RE: worst rhyme ever
From: Cool Beans
Date: 13 Sep 06 - 05:35 PM

Science without any data
's like gazpacho without the tomata.
(From "Into the Light," short-lived Broadway musical, lyrics by the usually brilliant John Forster.)

Subject: RE: worst rhyme ever
From: GUEST
Date: 13 Sep 06 - 05:32 PM

The master of 'rhymes' which work by virtue of a colluding nod and wink at the author's slyness was Ian Dury. An old song of his "The Jam Jar Song" has a lot of my favourites. It starts:

I was bored in my Ford
But my sister had a Lincoln
A great big pink 'un.
Makes me feel so nifty
Goin' along at fifty

A Wolsey is coolsie
But a Lancia is fancier

Subject: RE: worst rhyme ever
From: GUEST,thurg
Date: 13 Sep 06 - 05:23 PM

Don't forget the great Cowardly Lion:

Dorothy: What would you do if you met an elephant?

Lion: I'd wrap him up in cellophant!

Tin Man: What if you met a rhinocerous?

Lion: Imposserous!

Scarecrow: What if you met a tyrannosaurous?

Lion: I'd show him who's king of the fores'!


And then there's:

Lion: Who put the ape in ape-ricot?
       What do they got that I ain't got?
       Courage!

Subject: RE: worst rhyme ever
From: Genie
Date: 13 Sep 06 - 05:12 PM

I agree that a lot of unexpected rhymes -- especially those made by carrying over a polysyllabic word from one line to the next -- are not only very good rhymes, but often quite clever.   I'm also a fan of the humorously contrived rhymes of Ogden Nash, Tom Lehrer, etc.   If they turn out to be bad puns, that's intended.

Neil Diamond, however, took a beautiful, serious ballad and stuck a nails-on-the-chalkboard, cringeworthy contrived -- and really unneeded -- rhyme in the middle of it by using bad grammar.   He wins the prize in my opinion.

Now Sting (Gordon Sumner) may also be a contender, if only for really s-t-r-e-t-c-h-i-n-g to find a a kinda, sorta, quasi-, close-but-no-cigar rhyme in the song "Wrapped Around Your Finger:"

"You consider me a young apprentice
Caught between the Scylla and Charybdis."

Hmmm.   
Ho-Kay.

Genie

Subject: RE: worst rhyme ever
From: Dug
Date: 13 Sep 06 - 04:43 PM

Jack O'Hagan:

Our Don Bradman, I ask you is he any good?
Our Don Bradman, as a batsman he is certainly plum pud.

Subject: RE: worst rhyme ever
From: McGrath of Harlow
Date: 22 Jun 05 - 06:39 PM

"wh" is pronounced just "w" in the south of England

By many people, even most for all I know, but so what? "Bottle" is pretty generally pronounced "bo'o'l" in the South of England for that matter...

Subject: RE: worst rhyme ever
From: cobber
Date: 22 Jun 05 - 04:04 AM

There's a book in Australia called Australian Comic Verse that has poems by Pixie O'Harris (somebody told me she was Rolf Harris' mother but I don't know if that's true. The one that springs to mind, and this was the complete poem, was
I saw Chaucer
In a flying saucer
that's worse than Rolf's
Whatever I did they said was false
They said, "Quick march!" I did a quick waltz
(Jake the Peg)

Subject: RE: worst rhyme ever
From: Little Hawk
Date: 21 Jun 05 - 09:08 PM

WHAT???? Steve Benbow has stolen my "Down the lane I walk with my sweet Mary,
built like an ape, but twice as hairy" line!!!

I guess great minds think alike, eh? ;-)

Subject: RE: worst rhyme ever
From: Le Scaramouche
Date: 21 Jun 05 - 07:05 PM

Busy galoops, eating canteloupes?

Subject: RE: worst rhyme ever
From: Dita
Date: 21 Jun 05 - 06:57 PM

My pet hate, rhyme as it might, is

Robin Laing's

The Forth Bridge Song

(about the builders of the bridge spanning the river Forth in Scotland).

"Busy beavers, building cantilevers"

Subject: RE: worst rhyme ever
From: RobbieWilson
Date: 21 Jun 05 - 11:59 AM

I love Cole Porter's rhmes and I love rhymes which are split over two lines.

Told me love was too plebian
told me you were through with me
and now you say you love me

Subject: RE: worst rhyme ever
From: Leadfingers
Date: 21 Jun 05 - 11:38 AM

Steve Benbow improves the rhyme in Green Green Grass of Home (Written originally by Curly Puttnam , by the way) By singing :-

Down the lane I walk with my sweet Mary
Like an ape but twice as hairy

Subject: RE: worst rhyme ever
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 21 Jun 05 - 10:53 AM

WeeLittleDrummer observed:

well if Mary had lips like cherries, they would be little and round with a stone in the middle and a stalk sticking out

I suppose that may be so, WLD, but it still rhymes just fine!

Dave Oesterreich

Subject: RE: worst rhyme ever
From: Little Hawk
Date: 21 Jun 05 - 08:39 AM

That bit of McCorisken poetry has got to be the downright WORST in history!!!!

Subject: RE: worst rhyme ever
From: Big Al Whittle
Date: 21 Jun 05 - 04:16 AM

well if Mary had lips like cherries, they would be little and round with a stone in the middle and a stalk sticking out

however I wish I had his money - whoever wrote it.

Subject: RE: worst rhyme ever
From: Irish sergeant
Date: 20 Jun 05 - 04:24 PM

I don't care if it rains or freezes/ long as I got my plastic Jesus/ Standing on the dashboard of my car. Like the song but that is one bad rhyme dudes and dudettes. Neil

Subject: RE: worst rhyme ever
From: Abby Sale
Date: 20 Jun 05 - 03:16 PM

Beg to differ, Joe.

It isn't the coughin' that carries you off
It's the coffin they carries you off in

I like the dying quote. Must be many of them...

Bette Davis (to the effect that) being old isn't for wimps

and JP Donleavy: "Upon being old... It's not nice but take comfort that you won't stay that way forever"

Subject: RE: worst rhyme ever
From: Le Scaramouche
Date: 20 Jun 05 - 12:20 PM

Dreadful! At least McGonangall had class.

Subject: RE: worst rhyme ever
From: GUEST,Chris
Date: 20 Jun 05 - 12:13 PM

From the pen of Glasgow's "worst" poet, Walter McCorisken.

The coursest boy I ever saw
Whilst walking doon the Broomilaw
Said unto his paw
"Geeza piece a pizza paw"
His maw (Italian) said, "Naw,
It's PLEEZA Geeza piece a pizza paw"!!

Subject: RE: worst rhyme ever
From: GUEST
Date: 20 Jun 05 - 01:25 AM

the sex pistols!


i am an anti-christ
i am an anarchIst

Subject: RE: worst rhyme ever
From: GUEST,Joe_F
Date: 20 Jun 05 - 12:13 AM

Guest: I believe I heard "It isn't the cough that carries you off -- it's the coffin they carry you off in" before I heard of Sydney Carter. (And remember, dying isn't so bad; it's being buried that gets you down.)

--- Joe Fineman    [e-mail]

||: Suck, squeeze, bang, blow. Internal combustion makes it go. :||

Subject: RE: worst rhyme ever
From: YorkshireYankee
Date: 19 Jun 05 - 11:09 PM

LH, the bit of "though its heart being chipped" that bugs me is not the rhyme, but using "being" (instead of "has been" or "was" -- or maybe even "it was", if having two syllables was imperative) with "though"; it just makes me wince. So give the man a dishonorable mention, by all means -- but not for the near-rhyme, which is not really that bad (though I'll concede it's not that good, either).

Subject: RE: worst rhyme ever
From: Little Hawk
Date: 19 Jun 05 - 10:12 PM

It's a tossup between "warrior/bore ya" and "songs she brang to me". Both lines make me cringe.

I say Neil wins by a whisker.

As for Mr Dylan, the greatest lyricist of our time, he should get honorable mention for "with unseen consciousness I possessed in my grip a magnificent mantlepiece, though its heart being chipped".
It's quite awkward, but it has a certain ragged grandeur at the same time. It's in "Ballad in Plain D", probably the most unfair song Bob ever cast at someone he was angry at (Carla Rotolo, Suze's older sister).

Subject: RE: worst rhyme ever
From: YorkshireYankee
Date: 19 Jun 05 - 09:21 PM

IMHO, many of the rhymes put forward here as "bad" are simply unorthodox, and many of them are absolutely brilliant.

I don't consider "moist" & "choice" a bad rhyme, but rather a "near-rhyme" - perhaps not quite as pleasing as a "perfect" rhyme, but still effective and evocative, and a type of rhyme that is not at all unusual.

What I do consider a bad rhyme is one that forces one to pronounce one of the "rhyming" words in a forced/contrived way, and/or does not fit the style of the rest of the song/poem/whatever.

As an example,here's a rhyme from (the otherwise wonderful) "Song of the Soul" by Cris Williamson:

Come to your life like a warrior
Nothing will bore ya

If Cris was English, I'd say it's an acceptable rhyme, as English folks would (and do) naturally pronounce words that end in ar/er/or as "ah", but in an American accent (at least, all the ones I can think of), trying to make the rhyme "work" calls attention to itself in a way that detracts from the song.

On the other hand, Ogden Nash & Tom Lehrer (whom I adore!) may well use (and use well [g]) many contrived rhymes, but they are used in songs/poems that are funny and playful, and are appropriate given the established mood of the work.

"Song of the Soul", however, is (to me) a moving, powerful, serious song -- joyful even -- but not a playful, humorous, silly song, so for me the warrior/bore ya line really jars. In the end, perhaps it comes down to context as much as anything else...

Subject: RE: worst rhyme ever
From: GUEST
Date: 19 Jun 05 - 02:57 PM

worst rhyme i like the best ...

At the grand olf age of eighty seven, they took me from my coffin
And gave me a flannel nightshirt that I could travel off in.

The opening lines of Sydney Carter's 'Run the Film Backwards'

Subject: RE: worst rhyme ever
From: GUEST,JennyO
Date: 19 Jun 05 - 12:04 PM

Mary - chairy?

Merry - cherry?

Subject: RE: worst rhyme ever
From: GUEST,Uncle DaveO
Date: 19 Jun 05 - 11:24 AM

Number 6 said:

I cringe at the line ...

"Down the lane I walk with my sweet Mary, hair of gold and lips like cherry."

What's wrong with that rhyme?

Now you might not like the line as a matter writing style, but it sounds like a perfect rhyme to me.

Dave Oesterreich

Subject: RE: worst rhyme ever
From: Le Scaramouche
Date: 19 Jun 05 - 09:43 AM

Cora with the lips of coral,
You and I will never quarrel.

Dainty little girl Mavis,
She is such a rara avis,

Subject: RE: worst rhyme ever
From: number 6
Date: 19 Jun 05 - 01:00 AM

Tonite I heard someone sing Green Green Grass of Home.

This song certainly is not one of my favourites.

I cringe at the line ...

"Down the lane I walk with my sweet Mary, hair of gold and lips like cherry."

sIx

Subject: RE: worst rhyme ever
From: Bill D
Date: 18 Jun 05 - 09:06 PM

"The firefly's flame
Is something for which science has no name.
And I can think of nothing eerier,
Than flying around with an unidentified glow on one's posterior"
                  
                Ogden Nash

Subject: RE: worst rhyme ever
From: Rapparee
Date: 18 Jun 05 - 08:09 PM

'Course, Unkle Dave. 'Tain't nothin' but dilect. Only, when folks wanna express it in print they ginnerally tries ta make it look like it sounds. Ya kin see how Mark Twain tried ta do that, an' other folks, like Johnny Skelton an' Billy Shakespeare an' Jimmy W. Riley an' Bobby Burns an' Chuck Dickens an' even that guy who wrote Uncle Remus, Joel Chandler Harris. An' that's jist fer starters. An' yeah, I know damn good an' well that Georgie was criticized 'bout his rhymin' when Don Juan was first published; that still don't make for good rhymes (remember, please, that I only quoted two -- the poem is replete with other examples, which I shall leave as an exercise for the student).

Nor, of course, does the ability to write in dialect preclude the ability of the writer to use "standard" or even "academic" English style, spelling, and grammar. The authors cited above are excellent examples of that as well.

Subject: RE: worst rhyme ever
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 18 Jun 05 - 06:34 PM

Rapair said, in part:

"wood" and "blood" would only rhyme in dialect.

And I think a couple others also referred to the equivalent of "only in dialect".

There is nothing but dialect! We all, wherever we live, and whenever, speak dialect of one kind and another. There is no dialectless language.

Yer pays yer money and yer tykes yer cherce.

Dave Oesterreich

Subject: RE: worst rhyme ever
From: GUEST,Banjoke
Date: 18 Jun 05 - 03:31 PM

You opened heaven's portal
Here on earth, for this poor mortal.
You are my lucky star.

The worst moment from 'Singin in the Rain'

Subject: RE: worst rhyme ever
From: PennyBlack
Date: 18 Jun 05 - 02:03 PM

us lanky's hey dropping our Ts

hi al

Subject: RE: worst rhyme ever
From: Big Al Whittle
Date: 18 Jun 05 - 01:18 PM

well actually pete i thought that was pretty good......moist/choice

excellent mate!