BS: How Many Spatulas Do YOU Own???

Subject: RE: BS: How Many Spatulas Do YOU Own???
From: Stilly River Sage
Date: 03 Feb 05 - 10:18 PM

Liz, is yours like this?

A spork is often the little utensil from the fast food restaurant that serves as a fork or spoon, but can you think of a better name for the larger pasta implement, that is shaped like the bowl of a spoon with tines around the edge?

SRS

Subject: RE: BS: How Many Spatulas Do YOU Own???
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 03 Feb 05 - 10:17 PM

SRS - You'd like to hear Amos' story? The entire thing from date of birth? Or did you have something a little more specific in mind?

And as for what brucie meant by "huh", well, what does Brucie usually mean by "huh"? Probably something different from what he means when he says "great flaming sardines sauted in yak fat", but not necessarilly so. You can never be 100% sure with that boy.

And Tannywheeler, we are touched that this drivel has brightened your day.

Subject: RE: BS: How Many Spatulas Do YOU Own???
From: Rapparee
Date: 03 Feb 05 - 09:48 PM

A "spork" is the plastic spoon with tiny tines that you get at fast food places too cheap to invest in real plastic spoons and real plastic forks.

Does the "grain shovel" I have count as a spatula? Or my snow shovel, which is flat? How about my paint scrapers?

If you count this sort of thing I have lots and lots more -- and they're mine! Mine!

Subject: RE: BS: How Many Spatulas Do YOU Own???
From: Stilly River Sage
Date: 03 Feb 05 - 09:37 PM

TW, you've come to the right place. I'd like to hear Amos' story, and I wonder what brucie meant by "huh." Was that a grunt or an editorial response? Between them there should be a few good chuckles left in this thread.

SRS

Subject: RE: BS: How Many Spatulas Do YOU Own???
From: dianavan
Date: 03 Feb 05 - 08:14 PM

That so-called spork is a pasta thingy!

...and Bill D, the cheese slicer can in no way be included.

Don't even mention the garden! All of my old kitchen utensils are out there. The serated knife works like a charm on weeds. But really, isn't a spade a spatuala? It scoops dirt, doesnt it? That raises my count to EIGHTEEN!

Subject: RE: BS: How Many Spatulas Do YOU Own???
From: Tannywheeler
Date: 03 Feb 05 - 08:13 PM

Well, I refused to look at this thread til today. God is good. Had to go to a memorial service for someone we've known for over 30yrs this morning. I was all gooped up when I got home. You've cured me. My sides ache. Tooooooooo much laughing....       Tw

Subject: RE: BS: How Many Spatulas Do YOU Own???
From: Bill D
Date: 03 Feb 05 - 07:18 PM

oh, I'll bet a spork would have made Plato rethink his entire philosophy! (unless they had spaghetti in Athens...that's what it looks good for!)

Subject: RE: BS: How Many Spatulas Do YOU Own???
From: Peace
Date: 03 Feb 05 - 06:42 PM

Huh.

Subject: RE: BS: How Many Spatulas Do YOU Own???
From: Stilly River Sage
Date: 03 Feb 05 - 06:40 PM

I want to hear more about how Amos convinced his family that he should retire the cat litter scoop implement and then use it for cooking. In most typical households, once something has been stored "under the sink," as it were (like the old toothbrushes that get used for scrubbing grout or polishing silver, or much groadier work), it doesn't get a second shot at the countertop.

SRS

Subject: RE: BS: How Many Spatulas Do YOU Own???
From: Stilly River Sage
Date: 03 Feb 05 - 06:32 PM

You mean a spork?

Subject: RE: BS: How Many Spatulas Do YOU Own???
From: Bill D
Date: 03 Feb 05 - 06:31 PM

*grin*...SRS, you are just too durn perceptive: I thought I'd slip that one by.......I was wondering if Noreen would appear and call it a 'fish slice' (I'll bet the cat would like that, except we haven't HAD a cat for several years..)

Sure is a small step from one mode to another, ain't it? Maybe Plato was right about 'eternal forms'...

Subject: RE: BS: How Many Spatulas Do YOU Own???
From: Liz the Squeak
Date: 03 Feb 05 - 06:26 PM

Well if we're counting poop scoops as well, then this is just going to get ridiculous.. how about those slotted spoons for pasta? They're just pasta poop scoops.....

I've got one shaped like a dragon.....

LTS

Subject: RE: BS: How Many Spatulas Do YOU Own???
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 03 Feb 05 - 06:12 PM

I have used one of those Korean hand plows before and it most definitely is not a spatula. A regular garden spade could be considered a spatula especially since, as previously noted, "spade" and "spatula" are derived from the same word. But the Korean hand plow is more like a cross between a pickaxe and a mason's trowel with a cramp.

Subject: RE: BS: How Many Spatulas Do YOU Own???
From: Stilly River Sage
Date: 03 Feb 05 - 03:18 PM

And oh, Bill, didn't you accidentally get the Chef Amos gourmet cat box scooper in there by mistake also? Can you photoshop that out of the photo, or do you want to re-take it?

Subject: RE: BS: How Many Spatulas Do YOU Own???
From: Stilly River Sage
Date: 03 Feb 05 - 03:15 PM

Though the cheese slicer might demand to be considered a spatula, it's a fraud. It's really a knife--as in a very exaggerated potato peeler that is really wide on one side of the blade. Tell it firmly to get back in the drawer. Try again if we drift into sharp implements.

SRS

Subject: RE: BS: How Many Spatulas Do YOU Own???
From: Rapparee
Date: 03 Feb 05 - 03:06 PM

I called the guy who asked me the question and suggested that he contact the SpatulA Dysfunction Support Approval Committee (SADSAC). According to their website, SADSAC maintains a list of approved, Board-certified spatula dysfunction specialists and can even arrange (in extreme cases) for permanent "hospitalization." I also suggested that might contact Amos, who is willing to do disgusting, filthy, unspeakable things because he uses a Mac.

Subject: RE: BS: How Many Spatulas Do YOU Own???
From: Bill D
Date: 03 Feb 05 - 02:03 PM

and why it is not "fish sliceR"? (thought the menu soundes delightful..yum! Best meal I even had was braised Salmon in Hollandaise sauce..

Subject: RE: BS: How Many Spatulas Do YOU Own???
From: Bill D
Date: 03 Feb 05 - 01:56 PM

I didn't get 'right' back, did I? Had to call and get my cable modem reset, as it was s----l---o---w......

anyway, here are the other spatulas WITH pie servers and one of them thinks it's a cheese cutter, but after Bee-dubya-ell so graciously included all flat objects in the definition, it demanded to be in the pic!   

and Bee-dubya-ell, I am NOT gonna dig up all the putty knives that were jumping up & down whining, "us too, us too...he said we could"..!! No one has enough computer power to view ALL my implements scattered about the shop....

BTW, Noreen...no, we wouldn't want to be silly

Subject: RE: BS: How Many Spatulas Do YOU Own???
From: GUEST,just spatulatin'
Date: 03 Feb 05 - 01:29 PM

O-o-o-o-o-oh…

Let's sing a song for the spatula
The dullest knife in the drawer
So many like me can relate
So many like me can relate

Let's sing an ode to the spatula
Our fingers are saved from the blender
The angry saber-toothed blender
The angry saber-toothed blender

Let's sing a hymn for the spatula
It folds egg white into angel food
I'll cling to the old rugged spatula
I'll cling to the old rugged spatula

Subject: RE: BS: How Many Spatulas Do YOU Own???
From: Stilly River Sage
Date: 03 Feb 05 - 01:01 PM

My favorite salmon doens't need a pan or a spatula. Just a good apetite, a plate, and lots of napkins.

Subject: RE: BS: How Many Spatulas Do YOU Own???
From: Noreen
Date: 03 Feb 05 - 12:31 PM

Cooked fish doesn't take much slicing.
I have in mind a whole salmon, about 2ft long, lovingly arranged as the centrepiece of a beautifully laid table, accompanied by a delicate silver fish slice.

Now, to cook that salmon one needs a fish kettle....

that's a pretty kettle of fish

Subject: RE: BS: How Many Spatulas Do YOU Own???
From: Peace
Date: 03 Feb 05 - 12:18 PM

SPATULA ENVY:

Dear Abby,

Subject: RE: BS: How Many Spatulas Do YOU Own???
From: Amos
Date: 03 Feb 05 - 12:13 PM

...because the form of the shadows playing along it brings to mind memories of four-legged ambling through pigwallow, as though in a revery....

Subject: RE: BS: How Many Spatulas Do YOU Own???
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 03 Feb 05 - 12:02 PM

I suspect that "fish slice" is derived from the way a slotted spatula slightly resembles a slice of, say, salmon. You know... The way the musculature in sliced fish forms positive and negative visual spaces... Kinda like the way we Yanks call a large pistol a "hog leg".

Subject: RE: BS: How Many Spatulas Do YOU Own???
From: GUEST,MMario
Date: 03 Feb 05 - 11:43 AM

I need to take another picture? Just to show my pie servers? well....ok,

never figured you for an exhibitionist, bill!

and remember - it's not the size of your collection - it's how well you utilize it!

Subject: RE: BS: How Many Spatulas Do YOU Own???
From: Bill D
Date: 03 Feb 05 - 11:38 AM

Noreen-- since I have never heard of a 'fish slice' before this thread..(yes, yes, you all had the language first... but you spring these little suprises on us poor colonists!)..I will continue to count all MY implements as spatulas....(and how DO you slice a fish with a plastic thing with slots!)

dianavan...I need to take another picture? Just to show my pie servers? well....ok, I'll go get them and.....wait....what's this? Oh, my! I just found 2 more spatulas of the sub-category "sliceur de Fische" hanging on the wall where I keep the seldom used BBQ equipment....I shall include them. I will return in a bit....

Subject: RE: BS: How Many Spatulas Do YOU Own???
From: Peace
Date: 03 Feb 05 - 11:31 AM

It isn't a thermometer when you shove it there, either.

Subject: RE: BS: How Many Spatulas Do YOU Own???
From: Amos
Date: 03 Feb 05 - 11:16 AM

SRS, that was one too far. A Korean Hand Plow is NOT a spatula no matter where you put it.


A

Subject: RE: BS: How Many Spatulas Do YOU Own???
From: Peace
Date: 03 Feb 05 - 11:10 AM

SPA TU L      A

or

S PA TUL      A

I knew this thread would end up in the bedroom. Just knew it.

Subject: RE: BS: How Many Spatulas Do YOU Own???
From: Bunnahabhain
Date: 03 Feb 05 - 11:00 AM

Limiting stuff to the kitchen is a bad idea. She insits the bed is a better place. Although a spatula is good for body paint...

Subject: RE: BS: How Many Spatulas Do YOU Own???
From: GUEST,MMario
Date: 03 Feb 05 - 10:57 AM

PubMed simply said, "Disgusting condition. Sufferers should be pitied and euthanized"

true.

As Amos said, the cure is not cheap - and it is extremely lengthy - and the success rate is very very low. Premature spatulation is not a condition to be taken lightly. Total abstinance can sometimes prolong life - but tends to lead to social complications - and face it, the quality of that life suffers greatly.

Subject: RE: BS: How Many Spatulas Do YOU Own???
From: Stilly River Sage
Date: 03 Feb 05 - 10:52 AM

There's no way I'll ever track down all of the paint scrapers, putty knives, and tile-laying tools around here (thinset gets spread out before the extra gets scraped up again!) And what about gardening implements? My Korean hand plow? It can be used for scraping, scooping, sculpting, or very effective self defense.

I have stuff to do. I can't keep expanding my search for new spatulas! This must be limited to the kitchen!

SRS

Subject: RE: BS: How Many Spatulas Do YOU Own???
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 03 Feb 05 - 10:50 AM

Ah, yes! "Early Flipping Syndrome". It's far more common than you'd think. The irrepressible urge to use one's spatula to flip a cooking food item before it's ready for flipping. The need to flip being more important than the reason for the flipping. Sometimes accompanied by a strong tendency to use sentence fragments even though one was an English major and damned well knows better.

While the origins of "EFS" are poorly understood, there are simple and effective remedies. One of the more successful has been this:

Obtain plastic facsimilies of the items to be flipped. If you don't know where to obtain plastic facsimilies of food simply go to the nearest Chinese take-out restaurant. They all have beautiful fake food in their windows. Just go inside, walk up to the counter and ask, "Where you get food in window?" about sixteen times until someone understands your question. When you finally get an answer (and please understand you may have to buy some real food in order to pry this information out of the owner) contact the fake food designer and have him make very realistic fakes of your favorite flippables.

Now, whenever you feel the urge to prepare a dish that involves flipping, you simply put the real food in one skillet and its facsimile in another. It is very important that you only turn the heat on under the real food! Then, when you get the urge to flip, just flip the fake food! Simple! However, it is vitally important that you do not get so wigged out with flipping the fake stuff that you forget to flip the real food at appropriate times. This may take a bit of getting used to. It is suggested that during the first few weeks of therapy one should make sure that one's smoke detector, exhaust fan and fire extinguisher are in good working order and that the number for the fire department (or fire brigade depending on one's orientation relative to the Atlantic Ocean) be prominently posted.

Subject: RE: BS: How Many Spatulas Do YOU Own???
From: Amos
Date: 03 Feb 05 - 10:38 AM

I can handle this, but it won't be cheap.

A

Subject: RE: BS: How Many Spatulas Do YOU Own???
From: Rapparee
Date: 03 Feb 05 - 09:42 AM

Bee-Dubya, I was approached by a guy at work yesterday who had a question. That's not all that unusual, since I do work in a library, but this guy "had to talk to a guy" and most of the other people (all of them except one, in fact) are women. Anyway, this guy comes up to me -- he was a nice, respectable looking guy even though I didn't care for his cowboy boots because I felt they were a bit too dressy for his suit and tie -- anyway, he comes to me to ask about a very intimate, man-type problem. I took him into my office, closed the door, offered him coffee and/or the bottle of Bud Lite we found in the bookdrop box the other day, and a comfortable chair (not mine, another comfortable chair). Finally, after his second cup of coffee and a bunch small talk, he opened up.

Bee-Dubya, I really need your advice on this. I searched the medical literature, I checked the Internet, I even called the Medical School at the University of Utah. Nobody would talk about it, not even on the Internet (all the sites were blocked, and my computer isn't filtered!). PubMed simply said, "Disgusting condition. Sufferers should be pitied and euthanized" and that was all. The Med School refered me to a specialist, who hung up on me. Anyway, I'm going to bring it out into the open here in the hopes that you or someone can help. I've got a phone number where I can contact this guy (it's not his home or work phone, of course) during certain hours. So, knowing about the collective wisdom and fragrant liberalism and sympathy Mudcatters have demonstrated before, here's the poor slob's problem: he suffers from premature spatula, and he really needs to know what to do about it. It's ruining his barbecues and his wife laughs at his pancakes. Even his mistress and the cheap flozzies at the truck stop laugh at him when he makes a hamburger. He's barely hanging on.

What, if anything, can he do? What causes this problem? Can it be cured? The cost is no object to him -- he's filthy rich.

Thank you.

Subject: RE: BS: How Many Spatulas Do YOU Own???
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 03 Feb 05 - 09:15 AM

Paint scrapers! Oh, my God! I forgot to include the paint scrapers and putty knives in my spatula count! In fact, I only counted what was in my kitchen utensil drawer. I totally forgot about my workshop and pottery studio! There's zillions of spatulate thingies out there! I'll never get 'em all counted! Maybe that's where the ones that are infecting the other threads are coming from.

Subject: RE: BS: How Many Spatulas Do YOU Own???
From: GUEST,Bill the Collie
Date: 03 Feb 05 - 08:52 AM

BWL

Did you say you have two long-handled jobbies?

Shit!

Subject: RE: BS: How Many Spatulas Do YOU Own???
From: Liz the Squeak
Date: 03 Feb 05 - 08:41 AM

Make that one more if we're going to include cake slices.

LTS

Subject: RE: BS: How Many Spatulas Do YOU Own???
From: GUEST,Homer Simstula
Date: 03 Feb 05 - 06:57 AM

Top Ten Signs You're at a Bad Barbecue

11. The spatula doubles as the flyswatter.
10. Everything on the grill has a long, thin tail
9. To avoid burning, chicken breasts are covered in Coppertone
8. The "cole slaw" is just mayonnaise and lawn trimmings
7. The three-legged race is won by a three-legged guy
6. Every couple minutes, the cook drops his pants and flips
himself with the spatula
5. Host tells you the burgers are 20% beef and 80% critter
4. The steaks have been sitting in marinade sauce all night,
and so has your Uncle Earl
3. You have to sign a legal waiver before you eat the potato salad
2. Things seem tense between your hosts, Frank and Kathie Lee *
1. The guests all have grill marks on their foreheads

Subject: RE: BS: How Many Spatulas Do YOU Own???
From: GUEST,Petulant Bark and Spatula the Impaler
Date: 03 Feb 05 - 06:50 AM

Thank you, Amos, darling. and just for you..

Why is my spatula so light
Why is the barbeque bright
Why is my skin so blue
Since the hour I met you

Austin powers is smiling bright
Smiling for our delight
Smiling so tenderly
For the world, you and me

I know why the spatula is shining
shining so greasily
Its just the same old story
Thru all eternity

Love, this is my sarong
Here is a sarong, a senile maid for you
The soup cannot be wrong
If in this mix there's you
I care not what the menus say
Without a clove there is no way
So Love, this is my song
Here is a song, a supper made with you

Spatula the Impaler

Subject: RE: BS: How Many Spatulas Do YOU Own???
From: GUEST,Morgana Le Tray
Date: 03 Feb 05 - 06:42 AM

excaliburger, or, the spatula in the stone

Subject: RE: BS: How Many Spatulas Do YOU Own???
From: Amos
Date: 03 Feb 05 - 06:38 AM

Oh, Spatula, your songs are just BEAUTIFUL!!


A

Subject: RE: BS: How Many Spatulas Do YOU Own???
From: GUEST,Spatulum Decrepitum
Date: 03 Feb 05 - 06:38 AM

There is some evidence, according to food historians, that the pancake (in this case, a simple water-and-meal confection) was the first prepared food.

In the ruins of an ancient (3200 B.C.) village in Crete fortuitously preserved by volcanic ash, an underground kitchen was unearthed which contained a bronze pan, a crude iron spatula, a leather apron with the inscription "Look on in awe, mortals --- a demigod is at work," and, stuck on the ceiling, the fossilized remains of 71 pancakes.

Subject: RE: BS: How Many Spatulas Do YOU Own???
From: GUEST,Spankula
Date: 03 Feb 05 - 06:35 AM

An elderly man lay dying in his bed. In death's agony, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookies wafting up the stairs. He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed.

Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort forced himself down the stairs, gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs.

With labored breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven. There, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table, were literally hundreds of his favorite chocolate chip cookies.

Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?

Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself toward the table, landing on his knees in a rumpled posture. His parched lips parted; the wondrous taste of the cookie was already in his mouth, seemingly bringing him back to life.

The aged and withered hand trembled on its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife.

"Stay out of those." she said, "They're for the funeral."

Subject: RE: BS: How Many Spatulas Do YOU Own???
From: GUEST,Mudspat
Date: 03 Feb 05 - 06:33 AM

Many people are aware of the "kitchen witch", but fewer people are aware of the "kitchen ceremonial magician." This is due to the fact that kitchen ceremonial magic had been a secret tradition for decades. But the time for such secrecy is past, since kitchen ceremonial magic can play an important role in confronting everyday domestic problems. For example, suppose you are unexpectedly called upon to prepare a meal for others, but are unsure of your ability to cook. > You will find it prudent to practice the time-honored ritual of kitchen ceremonial magic: the Lesser Banishing Ritual of the Casserole. To prepare for this ritual, clear a space for the circle in the center of the kitchen. Then don your ceremonial apron and hold your ceremonial spatula in your right hand. Stand in the center of the circle and face east. You are ready to begin: With your spatula, draw a banishing pentagram to the east. Then, thrust your spatula through the pentagram and say, "Microwave dinners, be gone!" Move to the south. Again, draw a banishing pentagram and thrust your spatula through it. "TV dinners, be gone!" Move to the west. Draw the banishing pentagram and thrust your spatula through it. "Ramen instant noodles, be gone!" Move to the north. Draw the banishing pentagram and thrust your spatula through it, "Mystery meat in a can, be gone!" Move to the center of the circle and stand still. Chant the following: "Before me, Martha Stewart. Behind me, Betty Crocker. To my right side, Julia Child. To my left side, Martha Stewart, AGAIN!" Visualize yourself standing in a giant casserole and proclaim, "For about me bakes the casserole, and around me shines the 6-course meal." Clap your hands three times and say, "Its a good thing." The rite is over. If the ritual is not effective, please order take-out ASAP

Subject: RE: BS: How Many Spatulas Do YOU Own???
From: GUEST,Spatula Clark
Date: 03 Feb 05 - 05:54 AM

feeling scraped? spread around to far? chewed up and spatula'd out? you can always go.....

Downthread!

When you're alone
And life is making you lonely,
You can always go downtthread
When you've got worries,
All the noise and the hurry
Seems to help, I know, downthread

Just listen to the squabbles of the catters who are posting
Linger on the MOAB where the yankee cats are jousting
How can you lose?

The fights are much riper there
You can forget all your troubles, forget all your cares and go
Downthread, molasses and grapes when you're
Downthread, no rubbish place for sure
Downthread, everyone's waiting for you
(Mudcat)

Don't have a life
Or let your friends all surround you
There are cyber shows downthread
Maybe you know
Some little threads to post to
Where they never go downthread

Just listen to the nagging of a certain bossycatter
You'll be posting with the best and it will never ever matter
Happy again

The fights are much riper there
You can forget Barney Rubble, forget teddy bears and go
Downthread, molasses and grapes when you're
Downthread, no rubbish place for sure
Downthread, everyone's waiting for you
(Mudcat)Mudcat
(Mudcat)

And you may find somebody kind to help and understand you,
Someone who is just like you and needs a gentle hand to
Guide them along

So, maybe I'll see you there
We can forget all our troubles, forget all our cares and go
Downthread, things'll be great when you're
Downthread, don't wait a minute more
Downthread, everything's waiting for you

Downthread, (downthread,) Downthread, (downthread, )
Downtown (downtown) downtown (downtown)
(repeat and fade out)

by Spatula Clark

aka Peculiar Clerk

Subject: RE: BS: How Many Spatulas Do YOU Own???
From: GUEST,Spatula Clark
Date: 03 Feb 05 - 05:42 AM

Don't Sleep on The spatula

You wander around in your own little thread
When you don't see the spoon or the fork
You walk out on me when we both disagree
'Cause to reason is not worth a cork

I've heard it all a million times before
Take off your coat, my love, and close the door

CHORUS:
Don't scrape in the subway, darling
Don't wipe in the pouring rain
Don't sleep on the spatula, darling
The handle is long
Forget your foolish pride
Nothing is wrong
Now, you're astride me again

CHORUS
(repeat and fade out)

this song was written by Spatula after a lover's spat.

Subject: RE: BS: How Many Spatulas Do YOU Own???
From: Peace
Date: 03 Feb 05 - 05:16 AM

If I may, at risk of causing thread drift:

BillD, those spatulas in yer pants--I hope none of them are sharp. One guy to another.

Subject: RE: BS: How Many Spatulas Do YOU Own???
From: Noreen
Date: 03 Feb 05 - 04:13 AM

Bill, I would call all of the objects stuck into your belt fish slices'.
Those things held in your right hand I would call spatulas.

(...I would like to qualify the above statements to apply only to the fist picture of you linked to in this thread. Otherwise, you could post another picture of yourself with a bowling ball stuck into your belt and claim that it was then a fish slice. That would be silly.)

Subject: RE: BS: How Many Spatulas Do YOU Own???
From: Teresa
Date: 03 Feb 05 - 02:02 AM

The Scabrous Spatulas