BS: Do you know anything about this Hawk?

Subject: RE: BS: Do you know anything about this Hawk?
From: Little Hawk
Date: 28 Nov 08 - 01:48 AM

As they love to do...

Subject: RE: BS: Do you know anything about this Hawk?
From: Genie
Date: 27 Nov 08 - 10:54 PM

Geez! Add me to the list of avian info anticipators rather disillusioned upon opening this thread with such an enticing title.

Still, false lure notwithstanding, I've found this thread hard to turn away (not unlike freeway accidents or really bad comedy flics).

So here is (are?) my two cents:

Dremels are commonly used by nail technicians in beauty salons for humans. (A rough-edged cylinder is inserted instead of a drill bit; it's like a motorized cylindrical nail file.) No reason they shouldn't also be useful for canines' and felines' claw grinding.

As for shit-eating Dachsies, my brother and his wife used to have a couple of those. The male, Blitzen, was terribly fond of eating the cat's contributions to its litter box.   No idea why. But it could be problematic when the little wiener dog (predictably) decided he wanted to kiss you right on the mouth.

Subject: RE: BS: Do you know anything about this Hawk?
From: GUEST
Date: 27 Nov 08 - 04:42 AM

Well, if its the fiddle you like....try this one


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=knMrQGHRJ7s&feature=related

or ....
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QGECiLJo2LU&feature=related

but I still like

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a6b9xzS_rDo ..wait till after the drums.

Subject: RE: BS: Do you know anything about this Hawk?
From: Cluin
Date: 26 Nov 08 - 08:03 PM

Or is it you who has been in indachshunated?

Subject: RE: BS: Do you know anything about this Hawk?
From: Little Hawk
Date: 26 Nov 08 - 07:01 PM

Mwa-Ha-Ha!

Subject: RE: BS: Do you know anything about this Hawk?
From: Cluin
Date: 26 Nov 08 - 06:06 PM

Have they, George?.... Have they?    (insert ominous minor chord here)

Subject: RE: BS: Do you know anything about this Hawk?
From: Little Hawk
Date: 26 Nov 08 - 05:35 PM

Horrifying, isn't it? Thank God they've been domesticated!

Subject: RE: BS: Do you know anything about this Hawk?
From: Cluin
Date: 26 Nov 08 - 05:31 PM

The Piranha of the Rhineland.

Subject: RE: BS: Do you know anything about this Hawk?
From: Little Hawk
Date: 26 Nov 08 - 05:09 PM

50 dachshunds working in concert could, I think, bring down just about anything. They're very determined when they put their little obsessive minds to it.

Subject: RE: BS: Do you know anything about this Hawk?
From: Cluin
Date: 26 Nov 08 - 05:03 PM

Evolutionarily the dachshund has not altered much since the misty days of prehistory when bloodthirtsy packs of them roamed the Black Forest. It took about 50 of them working in concert to bring down an auroch.

Subject: RE: BS: Do you know anything about this Hawk?
From: Little Hawk
Date: 26 Nov 08 - 05:00 PM

Yes, I believe that's it. LOL! I know that type very well. Worrier type dachshunds are often dogs who have way too much time on their "hands" and who stay indoors too much. They start worrying mainly because there's nothing else to do...and it just gets worse after that. ;-)

Here's another rare sub-type: the tippler

The tippler is an alcoholic dachshund. Since the only way he can get alcohol is to go to parties, you will find the tippler hanging around at outdoor barbecues, garden parties, anywhere where he can stalk and consume unattended drinks that people have put low enough that he can get to them. The tippler sidles up silently to a cocktail or a beer that has been carelessly placed on the patio or the steps beside someone who is yakking or flirting with someone else, and he laps it up with delight. Soon he can be seen staggering and weaving about amongst the partiers, wagging his tail in a genial fashion, soliciting food, and generally turning on the canine charm. The tippler can sometimes get so drunk that he does odd things like walking into walls or off the edges of decks. One tippler I knew, named Wrinkles, got soused at a suburban garden party, then somehow fell into the backyard swimming pool and had to be rescued from drowning by a man who leaped in fully clothed in suit and tie. Wrinkles felt that it was all worth it, I'm sure. They'll do anything for a drink.

Tippler's make up less than 1% of the dachshund population, but they are unforgettable.

Subject: RE: BS: Do you know anything about this Hawk?
From: GUEST,leeneia
Date: 26 Nov 08 - 02:17 PM

Thanks, Little Hawk. You've given me a chuckle and explained the dog next door. She is a worrier plus a moron.

Subject: RE: BS: Do you know anything about this Hawk?
From: Little Hawk
Date: 26 Nov 08 - 01:53 PM

Yes, they are tremendously attracted to bodily waste, as long as it's not their own. They have a fondness for carrion too, I'm sad to say. They seem to regard it as a beauty accessory, similar to perfume.

leenia, I suspect that the dachshund next door does recognize you, but that it's of the hysterical type (a sub-group among dachshunds). It is basically yelling, "There she is! Omigod! There she is again! Alarm! Alarm!" Hysterical dachsies do that sort of thing because they want an excuse for a little excitement.

It probably is very stupid, as you say. Some dachshunds are. The majority of them, however, are quite intelligent, often very cunning and devious (specially in pursuit of food or small rodents).

Notable subgroups among dachshunds are:

1. The foodaholic: will do anything for food. Wishes to die by overeating. This includes about 98% of all dachshunds.

2. The worrier: Constantly in a state of high anxiety. Recognizable by furrowed brows, eyes that keep glancing about nervously, frequent fits of barking over who knows what, makes low moaning or high whining sounds when intensely worried. Frets, sighs, and shivers periodically. Expects to be siezed from above by unknown giant raptors when outside, and glances skyward with a haunted look. 15 to 20% of dachshunds are worriers.

3. The barker: Barks for the sheer hell of it, and for fun. Loves to sound off and will not shut up until he has said his piece. Is basically saying to the world: "I'm in charge here! And don't you forget it!" At least 50% of dachshunds can be classified as barkers.

4. The hunter: Some dachshunds have not forgotten their noble heritage as courageous badger hunters, and they wish to spend all their time in the great outdoors hounding small animals to their doom. They are the bane of rodents, cats, any and all animals smaller than themselves. Some are even so fanatical in their hunting that they will attempt to bring down a larger animal, such as a deer. There is nothing more single-minded than a hunting dachshund. About 5 or 10% of modern dachshunds are hunters...but it depends also on upbringing and environment. Given a proper country life, at least 50% would become hunters.

5. The couch potatoe: This dachshund wishes to conserve his energy. Therefore he does almost nothing except sleep. He would make an excellent paperweight or doorstop. His gravity is massive, and he cannot easily be moved. He demands comfort and eschews labor. His idea of life is to rest upon a silk cushion, attended to by servants who bring him food and water at regular intervals, and who carry him outside to perform his ablutions, then carry him in again. Someone should stand over him and fan the flies away...flies are quite attracted to him because they think he's already dead. About 40% of dachshunds become couch potatoes soon after passing out of adolescence.

6. The brain: This dachshund is a deep thinker. No one but he can understand what he is thinking about...it's that deep. He is almost always a "worrier" too, but if he is not, then he verges on being a zen master. He is concerned about the higher metaphysical questions, not the tawdry matters that concern most dogs. He can take food or leave it. He is usually svelte, with a good figure. He likes going for walks and contemplating the mysteries of nature, but he doesn't get directly involved. He just observes. He is the "Mister Spock" of dachshunds. Only about 5% of dachshunds are of this type. They will sometimes play with you, pursuing a thrown ball or something...but you can tell they're only doing it so you can have some fun. They have compassion on us simpler being.

7. the stud: This dachshund thinks about only one thing. Sex. He wants it, and he wants it NOW. Anything will do. If there is no female dog available, then there's always the cat, your leg, a tree trunk, a table leg, whatever....the stud has become less common in these heinous times when vets automatically neuter every dog they can, but he is still out there. You will know this when he stealthily mounts your leg. The Hugh Hefner of dogs, the stud comprises about only 3% of dachshunds at present, and is an endangered species.

8. the moron: This dachshund is so stupid that he barks at his own echo. He is so greedy that he would attempt to eat an entire cooked turkey at one sitting. He is so lazy that the thought of having to walk a few steps to avoid dying of thirst can keep him in a state of indecision for several hours. He wants something, but he can't remember what it was. He is a complete idiot. The moron comprises, thankfully, only about 4% of dachshunds.

9. the fun dog: This dachshund wants ACTION! He is out to have fun, make friends, party, and socialize. The fun dog is a really entertaining creature and the life of any party. He loves roaming around the neighborhood and visiting other households, where he can hopefully get some treats, but his roaming has been greatly curtailed in these over-regulated times we now live in. The fun dog does not get to travel all over town unattended like he used to. Too bad. About 23% of dachshunds are natural fun dogs.

10. the stinkhound: An inveterate searcher for decaying carrion and filth, this dog lives primarily to experience the olfactory joys of life. His approach is always heralded by a dreadful odor which gets far worse as he comes nearer. Upon finding some kind of nameless corruption he will sniff it appreciatively, circle it, then roll over on his back and roll back and forth vigorously so as to annoint his entire body with the vile stuff. Once finished, he goes proudly home for "show and tell". The thing he most dreads is a soapy bath!!! The stinkhound is an outdoors type, and comprises a good 40% of rural dachshunds.

Note: All of the above categories or types can be females too, of course...except for "the stud".

I have at present the company of 2 dachshunds.

Rennie:

Defining characteristics: the couch potatoe, the moron.
Secondary characteristics: the worrier, the barker.

Finnigan:

Defining characteristics: the foodaholic, the couch potatoe.
Secondary characteritics: the barker, the fun dog, the brain.

Subject: RE: BS: Do you know anything about this Hawk?
From: GUEST,leeneia
Date: 26 Nov 08 - 10:13 AM

There's a lot of difference between a horse chestnut and a chestnut horse.

(old proverb)
==========
Re: 'Dachshunds make excellent toilet bowl brushes!'

Is there a problem dachshund in your life, Spaw? If so, I sympathize.

The people next door to me have a dachshund. This dog is so stupid that it doesn't recognize me, my voice or my smell after four years of friendly interaction.

When they put her in the yard, they have to shout 'Go poddy! go poddy!' It's embarrassing!

However, it would be dangerous to use her for a toilet-bowl brush. She might go right down the pipe, seeking prey.

Subject: RE: BS: Do you know anything about this Hawk?
From: Don Firth
Date: 25 Nov 08 - 09:13 PM

In the words of that famous American, Gary Cooper:

Yup.

Don Firth

Subject: RE: BS: Do you know anything about this Hawk?
From: Little Hawk
Date: 25 Nov 08 - 05:24 PM

Kinda like, I'd rather have a bottle in fronta me than a frontal lobotomy....

Subject: RE: BS: Do you know anything about this Hawk?
From: Don Firth
Date: 25 Nov 08 - 04:52 PM

But then, I'd rather miss a comma than be in a coma. . . .

Don Firth

Subject: RE: BS: Do you know anything about this Hawk?
From: Little Hawk
Date: 25 Nov 08 - 04:43 PM

It's the story of Spaw's life. He coulda been a contender...but he forgot the comma.

Subject: RE: BS: Do you know anything about this Hawk?
From: Don Firth
Date: 25 Nov 08 - 03:26 PM

SHEESH!!! All for want of a comma!

Wanting to be prepared before I opened this thread, I read everything I could find on raptors. So I finally open the thread and. . . .

Did I say "SHEESH!!?"

Don Firth (mutter mutter)

Subject: RE: BS: Do you know anything about this Hawk?
From: Little Hawk
Date: 24 Nov 08 - 11:03 PM

A Dremel is an electric mini-drill used most commonly for hobby work. There are about a hundred different drill bits and other thingies that you can used in the Dremel for your craft work. You can mount a small rotary sander in it which would work fine for trimming the dog's claws...if the dog was of a mind to cooperate.

You are wise to have the groomer do it. As you say, the dog won't blame you and this assists you in maintaining her trust. Also, dogs usually act up a lot under treatment more if their owner is present. They figure it's a good time for some emotional blackmail... ;-)

Subject: RE: BS: Do you know anything about this Hawk?
From: annamill
Date: 24 Nov 08 - 07:45 PM

Cluin, I have a couple of questions for ya.
First, what's a Dremel??
Second, how long are your girlfriend's Westies claws?? NEVER?

When I let my little Maltese, Maxie, claws grow, they grow long! She doesn't like them done either. I take her to the groomer so I don't have to watch her scream. I don't get blamed either and she is so happy to see me when I come get her.

Sneaky, huh?

Love, Annamill

Subject: RE: BS: Do you know anything about this Hawk?
From: Gurney
Date: 24 Nov 08 - 01:17 AM

I honestly never INTEND to finish threads, but this is another......

Subject: RE: BS: Do you know anything about this Hawk?
From: Gurney
Date: 22 Nov 08 - 10:50 PM

OK, LH, How about this. Steal a couple of skateboards, narrow them down on a tablesaw, attach strings to the front. Superglue the badger-dogs to them with their toes just touching the floor.
They'll walk all right when you take them for a tow, I'll bet, and if they don't, their toenails will automatically get trimmed.
Advantages? No spinal probs (the dogs,) auto toenail trimming, they'll damn-well use that ramp if they want to come in, exercise for you (or tow them with the car,) no walkies refusals.
Disadvantages. Better let the rear end hang over, and you may have to hose them daily. Oh, and better drill a hole for the boy dogs.

See what you can come up with when you put your mind to it? A solution worthy of Bobert.
Or even Shane.

Subject: RE: BS: Do you know anything about this Hawk?
From: Rapparee
Date: 22 Nov 08 - 06:55 PM

My brother was like that. We tried several times to cut 'im, but he would just start shittin' on the floor.

Subject: RE: BS: Do you know anything about this Hawk?
From: Cluin
Date: 22 Nov 08 - 06:49 PM

I use a small Dremel on my dogs claws. Works great and no pain. They get used to it quick.

My girlfriend's Westie is way too neurotic to even be in the same room as clippers or Dremel. We tried giving her a couple of Gravol once. No dice. She woke up as soon as we reached for the clippers and shit on the floor. Like I said, she's never even ever been clipped so there's no good reason for her to fear it.

Subject: RE: BS: Do you know anything about this Hawk?
From: Little Hawk
Date: 22 Nov 08 - 04:59 PM

You know, I did build a ramp for the lazy little sods...and they won't use it! They're damnably contrary and they're unwilling to attempt anything new, even if it would make their lives easier. They also WILL not go for walks. I'm not joking. They are that lazy. Not my fault, I didn't bring them up. They were ruined by the original owners prior to arriving here, I'm afraid. I suggest a walk, and they say, "Surely you jest? What possible reason could I have for wanting to do something as useless as that? Got any food? If not, go away and stop bothering me."

As for Winona, I too hope she is feeling much better now.

Subject: RE: BS: Do you know anything about this Hawk?
From: Gurney
Date: 22 Nov 08 - 03:22 PM

Don't clip them too short. There is a nerve up the top.
Walk the damn dogs on paving, to wear them down.
Have you built that ramp, LH, or are the poor sods still having to reverse up the steps?
Hope Winona feels better.
I nearly had an anxiety attack once, but there was too much work to do.

Subject: RE: BS: Do you know anything about this Hawk?
From: Little Hawk
Date: 22 Nov 08 - 12:48 PM

Good point.

Subject: RE: BS: Do you know anything about this Hawk?
From: gnu
Date: 22 Nov 08 - 08:14 AM

That there toenail clippin has ta be done proper like. If it ain't the dog suffers extreme pain. My ex's dog used to freak out when the ex clipped em. When I did it, no problem.

Key... hold the clippers STEADY and NEVER twist them. Squeeze the clippers evenly and firmly... just don't twist them.

Subject: RE: BS: Do you know anything about this Hawk?
From: Cluin
Date: 21 Nov 08 - 10:38 PM

My girlfriend's weird little Westie will not let anyone trim her toenails. She has a distinctly neurotic phobia about it. When the clipper comes out, she just starts trembling and shitting. No body knows why. There was no traumatic experience. She's never had her nails trimmed at all, but she knew what the clippers were for from the beginning because the other terrier in the house, a Cairn, gets it's nails clipped regularly.

Subject: RE: BS: Do you know anything about this Hawk?
From: Little Hawk
Date: 20 Nov 08 - 08:20 PM

Ha! I might have expected that, mightn't I? The dachshunds both went in today for toenail clipping, a procedure they view with extreme suspicion. It has to be done quite often, because they both suffer from acute laziness.

Subject: RE: BS: Do you know anything about this Hawk?
From: catspaw49
Date: 20 Nov 08 - 07:46 PM

LOL...Yeah, I gotcher comma right here..........If you're in serious need of a comma or two I suggest you see WalksaboutVerse...........Now as far as Hawkster goes.............Well, it ain't too far.

I originally started a different thread adding a fake line from the news article stating "Ryder had been overcome by an anxiety attack after reading a letter from a Canadian fan/stalker." I thought this was a bit over the top even for me and flushed it.

SPAW'S FREE HOUSEHOLD TIP OF THE DAY FOR DUMBASSES:

Dachshunds make excellent toilet bowl brushes!

Spaw

Subject: RE: BS: Do you know anything about this Hawk?
From: Little Hawk
Date: 20 Nov 08 - 07:31 PM

Don't forget, he's from Ohio, eh? ;-)

Subject: RE: BS: Do you know anything about this Hawk?
From: Jim Dixon
Date: 20 Nov 08 - 07:27 PM

Crap. I thought this was an ornithology thread. Ever heard of commas, Spaw?

Subject: RE: BS: Do you know anything about this Hawk?
From: Little Hawk
Date: 20 Nov 08 - 06:30 PM

I'm not sure in your case, Rapaire, but there is a "Dumbass for Dummies" book out now that has a simple test which you can take and find out if you are.

You have to answer a series of multiple choice questions like:

What is the difference between your ass and a hole in the ground?

a)I don't know.
b)I used to know, but I forgot.
c)A hole in the ground can sometimes be useful.
d)None of the above.

When you have answered them all and totaled up the results, consult the chart at the back of the book, and you will know for sure by the score whether or not you are a dumbass. If you are unable to understand the chart or compute the score, then you can still safely assume that you are indeed a dumbass!

Some people can't even complete the test. This happened to Shane recently.

Subject: RE: BS: Do you know anything about this Hawk?
From: Amos
Date: 20 Nov 08 - 06:28 PM

I'm telling Mom what Little Hawk said about Rapaire. You're toast, Hawk. Toast!!!!



A

Subject: RE: BS: Do you know anything about this Hawk?
From: Rapparee
Date: 20 Nov 08 - 06:16 PM

Hey, I used to live in Ohio! You callin' me a dumbass?

Subject: RE: BS: Do you know anything about this Hawk?
From: Little Hawk
Date: 20 Nov 08 - 06:12 PM

It's very perceptive of you to point that out, Cluin. Most people aren't that aware of the link between Winona and Keira. Indeed they are both of a type that I find extremely interesting...they exist somewhere in the indefinable range between human beings and the Elvenfolk.

gnu - I sometimes deliberately use the American spellings when addressing Americans, because I want to set their minds at ease. This is particularly important when addressing a dumbass from Ohio, for reasons I don't think I really need to explain. ;-D Stress them out too much, and they may vote Republican!

Subject: RE: BS: Do you know anything about this Hawk?
From: Cluin
Date: 20 Nov 08 - 04:43 PM

It was actually an illness related to geographically approaching her doppelgänger Keira Knightley. The King of Faerie long ago ordered that the two waifs must stay in opposite hemispheres of the planet at all times or risk their bodies disappearing into the Otherworld even more. She foolishly ignored the decree.

Subject: RE: BS: Do you know anything about this Hawk?
From: Bill D
Date: 20 Nov 08 - 04:36 PM

HumoUrs are something else

Subject: RE: BS: Do you know anything about this Hawk?
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 20 Nov 08 - 01:27 PM

No, Gnu, if it's cheap, it's "humOr". A certain degree of class is required to lift it to the level of "humoUr". If it comes from Spaw, it has NO class, ergo....

Subject: RE: BS: Do you know anything about this Hawk?
From: gnu
Date: 20 Nov 08 - 01:13 PM

"... humoUr", LH. Her Majesty would take offense.

Subject: RE: BS: Do you know anything about this Hawk?
From: Little Hawk
Date: 20 Nov 08 - 12:32 PM

Yes, Spaw, I was informed immediately by my staff when this disturbing incident occurred, and I spent a sleepless night, but apparently it's nothing serious. Winona has been released and appears to be all right now. As you can imagine, I was far too upset to start a thread about it, but I figured that some ignorant, insensitive turd like you would do that for me in order to milk a little cheap humor out of the situation... ;-)

Subject: RE: BS: Do you know anything about this Hawk?
From: Bill D
Date: 20 Nov 08 - 11:57 AM

better try this link

Subject: RE: BS: Do you know anything about this Hawk?
From: GUEST,leeneia
Date: 20 Nov 08 - 09:46 AM

Spaw, dear, punctuation is important.

'Do you know anything about this, Hawk?' is different from
'Do you know anything about this Hawk?'

I was all ready to contribute to a birdwatching thread with emphasis on raptor identification.

What a disappointment.

Who's Winona Ryder, anyway?

Subject: RE: BS: Do you know anything about this Hawk?
From: Rapparee
Date: 20 Nov 08 - 09:19 AM

Of course he is. He's a VDDOM, in fact. Even dachshunds know this, but they don't care as long as you give them a wienie every now and then. I think poor Winona was hospitalized after she learned of LH's recent fling with Sarah Palin. Poor Winona probably had a broken heart and it's all LH's fault. I'm certain they found her alone, wandering the streets, her clothing rent and soaked from her own tears.

Subject: BS: Do you know anything about this Hawk?
From: catspaw49
Date: 20 Nov 08 - 07:40 AM

Winona Ryder Hospitalized

Poor thing was probably appalled over your appalling and persistent advances..............................You're a DOM...Admit it Man!


Spaw