BS: One-letter story

Subject: RE: BS: One-letter story
From: GUEST,Fred Miller
Date: 25 Aug 04 - 09:13 PM

Think I've seen Reptile's post before too. The Story of O.

Subject: RE: BS: One-letter story
From: Jeanie
Date: 25 Aug 04 - 03:29 AM

AB, CD ^^^^ ?
MNO ^^^^ !
SAR ^^^^ !
OS OAR !

- jeanie

Subject: RE: BS: One-letter story
From: JennyO
Date: 24 Aug 04 - 09:25 AM

Y?

Subject: RE: BS: One-letter story
From: GUEST
Date: 24 Aug 04 - 07:59 AM

Hamlet?

Subject: RE: BS: One-letter story
From: Dead Horse
Date: 24 Aug 04 - 07:42 AM

............T?

Subject: RE: BS: One-letter story
From: s6k
Date: 23 Aug 04 - 12:55 PM

69

Subject: RE: BS: One-letter story
From: GUEST,leeneia
Date: 23 Aug 04 - 12:00 PM

Thank you, Lanfranc.

i b a b a 2

Subject: RE: BS: One-letter story
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 23 Aug 04 - 03:34 AM

... but amusing rubbish, none the less!

Subject: RE: BS: One-letter story
From: Rt Revd Sir jOhn from Hull
Date: 23 Aug 04 - 12:53 AM

rubbish!

Subject: RE: BS: One-letter story
From: Cluin
Date: 23 Aug 04 - 12:52 AM

Amos, you are correct, sir.

That letter has been circulating around in e-mail pergatory for years. So I went looking for it on the web.

Subject: RE: BS: One-letter story
From: Lanfranc
Date: 22 Aug 04 - 06:13 PM

b e a b a?
e b a b s c!
o
e b a p h d 2
o, b e
i

A

Subject: RE: BS: One-letter story
From: GUEST,reptile
Date: 21 Aug 04 - 11:18 PM

o. o-o. ooo. ooooooooooooo. oo, oo, oo. o. oooo. o! o! o!! O! O! O,O,O, O, O, O, O! O,O,O! OOOOooooooooo.

o.

Subject: RE: BS: One-letter story
From: Billy the Bus
Date: 21 Aug 04 - 05:07 AM

I'm off to the Bank with my pea-shooter - aftr I've drunk enough to make ,e pee...

Chees - Sam

Subject: RE: BS: One-letter story
From: Amos
Date: 21 Aug 04 - 12:20 AM

I have to add that I do not believe this was Cluin's orignal work, was it?   I think I have seen it before.

A

Subject: RE: BS: One-letter story
From: Peace
Date: 21 Aug 04 - 12:10 AM

Cluin,

I am going to steal that and use it at the first opportunity. Thank you.

Bruce M

Subject: RE: BS: One-letter story
From: GUEST,leeneia
Date: 20 Aug 04 - 07:15 PM

zzzzzzzzzz
pp
mmmm

Translation: I enjoyed a refreshing night's sleep, although I did have to get up in the middle. In the morning, I had a delicious breakfast.

Subject: RE: BS: One-letter story
From: Wyrd Sister
Date: 20 Aug 04 - 06:06 PM

Well done indeed Cluin. I must admit to starting this thread with some sense of mischief...oh well, off to Whitby.

Subject: RE: BS: One-letter story
From: artbrooks
Date: 20 Aug 04 - 12:38 PM

O...G

Subject: RE: BS: One-letter story
From: McGrath of Harlow
Date: 20 Aug 04 - 12:21 PM

""Oh, the banks are made of marble With a guard at every door And the vaults are filled with silver That the miners sweated for.""

Pedantic drift: Not Woody Guthrie, but Les Rice.

Subject: RE: BS: One-letter story
From: GUEST,Chongo Chimp
Date: 19 Aug 04 - 07:32 PM

Well done, Cluin! You are the first human who has demonstrated real intelligence on one of these story threads. I will buy you a drink if you come to Chicago.

Yours truly,

Chongo Chimp

Subject: RE: BS: One-letter story
From: Cluin
Date: 19 Aug 04 - 07:25 PM

Dear Sir:

I am writing to thank you for bouncing the check with which I endeavored to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations, some three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the check, and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honor it. I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire salary, an arrangement which, I admit, has only been in place seven or eight years. You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account with $50 by way of penalty for the inconvenience I caused to your bank.

My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways. You have set me on the path of fiscal righteousness. No more will our relationship be blighted by these unpleasant incidents, for I am restructuring my affairs in 2000, taking as my model the procedures, attitudes and conduct of your very bank. I can think of no greater compliment, and I know you will be excited and proud to hear it. To this end, please be advised about the following changes. First, I have noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you I am confronted by the impersonal, ever-changing, prerecorded, faceless entity, which your bank has become. From now on I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh and blood person. My mortgage and loan repayments will, therefore and hereafter, no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by check, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee of your branch, whom you must nominate. You will be aware that it is an offense under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope. Please find attached an Application Contact Status, which I require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative. Please note that a Justice of the Peace must countersign all copies of his or her medical history, and that the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof. In due course I will issue your employee with a PIN number, which he/she must quote in all dealings with me.

I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modeled it on the number of button presses required to access my account balance on your phone bank service. As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. Let me level the playing field even further by introducing you to my new telephone system, which you will notice, is very much like yours. My Authorized Contact at your bank, the only person with whom I will have any dealings, may call me at any time and will be answered by an automated voice. By pressing buttons on the phone, he/she will be guided through an extensive set of menus:

1. To make an appointment to see me
2. To query a missing repayment
3. To make a general complaint or inquiry
4. To transfer the call to my living room
5. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping. Extension of bedroom to be communicated at the time the call is received
6. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature. Extension of toilet to be communicated at the time the call is received.
7. To transfer the call to my mobile phone in case I am not at home.
8. To leave a message on my computer. To leave a message a password to access my computer is required. Password will be communicated at a later date to the contact.
9. To return to the main menu and listen carefully to, options 1 through
10. The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service.

While this may on occasion involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration. This month I've chosen a refrain from The Best Of Woody Guthrie: "Oh, the banks are made of marble With a guard at every door And the vaults are filled with silver That the miners sweated for." After twenty minutes of that, our mutual contact will probably know it by heart.

On a more serious note, we come to the matter of cost. As your bank has often pointed out, the ongoing drive for greater efficiency comes at a cost -your kindness by passing some costs back. First, there is the matter of advertising material you send me. This I will read for a fee of $20 per page. Inquiries from your nominated contact will be billed at $5 per minute of my time spent in response. Any debits to my account, as, for example, in the matter of the penalty for the dishonored check, will be passed back to you. My new phone service runs at 75 cents a minute (even Woody Guthrie doesn't come for free), so you could be well advised to keep your inquiries brief and to the point. Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement. May I wish you a happy, if ever-so-slightly less prosperous, New Year?

Your humble client.

Subject: RE: BS: One-letter story
From: Bill D
Date: 19 Aug 04 - 07:12 PM

ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

(you didn't say how many time I could use it!)

Subject: RE: BS: One-letter story
From: Scooby Doo
Date: 19 Aug 04 - 06:29 PM

S

Subject: RE: BS: One-letter story
From: Stilly River Sage
Date: 19 Aug 04 - 06:24 PM

. . .O. . .

Subject: RE: BS: One-letter story
From: Cluin
Date: 19 Aug 04 - 06:10 PM

K...

Subject: RE: BS: One-letter story
From: *daylia*
Date: 19 Aug 04 - 06:10 PM

R?

Subject: BS: One-letter story
From: Wyrd Sister
Date: 19 Aug 04 - 06:07 PM

Y?