BS: 5th Joke thread of 2008!

Subject: BS: 5th Joke thread of 2008!
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 24 Aug 08 - 08:29 PM

Click for the 'PermaThread™: List of all joke threads'

---

Continued from The 4th Joke thread of 2008!

Subject: RE: BS: 5th Joke thread of 2008!
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 24 Aug 08 - 08:32 PM

When a woman wears a leather dress,
A man's heart beats quicker,
His throat gets dry,
He goes weak at the knees,
And he begins to think irrationally.



-Ever wondered why?



Because she smells like a new Ute.

Subject: RE: BS: 5th Joke thread of 2008!
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 24 Aug 08 - 08:35 PM

A little girl asks her mum, 'Mum, can I take the dog for a walk around the block?'

Her mum replies 'No, because she is on heat.'

'What does that mean?' asked the child.

'Go and ask your father. I think he's in the garage.'

The little girl goes out to the garage and says, 'Dad, can I take Lulu for a walk around the block? I asked Mum, but she said the dog was on the heat, and to come ask you.'

He took a rag, soaked it in petrol, and scrubbed the dog's backside with it to disguise the scent, and said 'Ok, you can go now, but keep Lulu on the leash and only go one time around the block.'

The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash..

Surprised, Dad asked, 'Where's Lulu?'

You're gonna love this!!!!!!!!!)...............



The little girl said, 'She ran out of petrol about halfway round the block, so another dog is pushing her home.'

Subject: RE: BS: 5th Joke thread of 2008!
From: Nigel Parsons
Date: 24 Aug 08 - 08:47 PM

Like the young man who took his girlfriend for a ride on his new motorcycle.
Passing through a nearby woods the cycle came to a halt. "We've run out of petrol" he said.
And someone stole his bike while he was pushing it home!

Subject: RE: BS: 5th Joke thread of 2008!
From: Bill D
Date: 25 Aug 08 - 06:02 PM

"..Because she smells like a new Ute."

ummm...I want to laugh. What's a 'Ute'?

Subject: RE: BS: 5th Joke thread of 2008!
From: Peter T.
Date: 25 Aug 08 - 06:18 PM

Ute is an Australian car/truck used (famously) to haul goods during the week, and the wife to church on Sunday.

yours,

Peter T.

Subject: RE: BS: 5th Joke thread of 2008!
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 25 Aug 08 - 06:28 PM

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ute
see section 3 Vehicles

Subject: RE: BS: 5th Joke thread of 2008!
From: GUEST,heric
Date: 25 Aug 08 - 11:56 PM

A guy's wife was already in bed when he walked into the bedroom with a sheep under his arm. He said "This is the pig I fuck when you have a headache." "That's a sheep you asshole." "Shut up I wasn't talking to you."

Subject: RE: BS: 5th Joke thread of 2008!
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 27 Aug 08 - 08:35 AM

Twenty Five Signs That you've Grown Up


1. Your house plants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them.
2. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question.
3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
4. 6:00 a.m. is when you get up, not when you go to bed.
5. You hear your favourite song in an elevator.
6. You watch the Weather Channel.
7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of "hook up" and "break up."
8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.
9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up."
10. You're the one calling the police because those %&@# kids next door won't turn down the stereo.
11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.
12. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes any more.
13. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.
14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald's leftovers.
15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.
16. You take naps.
17. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one.
18. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 AM would severely upset, rather than settle, your stomach.
19. You go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid, not condoms and pregnancy tests.
20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good stuff."
21. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.
22. "I just can't drink the way I used to" replaces "I'm never going to drink that much again."
23. 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.
24. You drink at home to save money before going to a bar.
25. When you find out your friend is pregnant you congratulate them instead of asking "Oh S*$# what the hell happened?"





Bonus:





26: You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that doesn't' t apply to you and can't find one to save your sorry old @ss. Then you forward it t o a bunch of old pals & friends 'cause you know they'll enjoy it & do the same...

Subject: RE: BS: 5th Joke thread of 2008!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 27 Aug 08 - 10:42 AM

"Canadian Customer"

A Canadian customer was calling to find out if
there was a faster way to trigger menu commands
than mousing up to the menus.

Agent: Certainly, sir. There are keyboard shortcuts
for many of those commands. For example, suppose
you want to trigger the Select All command…

Caller: Yes, I use that one all the time! How do I do
it?

Agent: Well, you just press Control-A.

Caller (after a pause): Well, that's not working for
me.

Agent: Do you have a text document open in front
of you?

Caller: Yes, I sure do.

Agent: OK, now press Control-A.

Caller: I am, but nothing happens.

Agent: The text isn't highlighted?

Caller: No, there's no change at all.

Agent: That's odd. If you press Control-A, the whole
document should be highlighted. Try it again. Press
Control-A. Tell me exactly what's happening.

Caller (nearing his Canadian breaking point): Listen.
I'm pressing Control, eh? And nothing's happening,
eh?

Subject: RE: BS: 5th Joke thread of 2008!
From: katlaughing
Date: 27 Aug 08 - 02:39 PM

LOL...thought this might find a home in this thread:

"We are here for a spell: get all the laughs you can."
    ~ Will Rogers

Subject: RE: BS: 5th Joke thread of 2008!
From: RangerSteve
Date: 27 Aug 08 - 03:43 PM

A buzzard checks in at O'Hare Airport for a flight to New York with two dead raccoons. The flight attendant told him "Sorry, but you're only allowed once piece of carrion baggage".

Subject: RE: BS: 5th Joke thread of 2008!
From: John MacKenzie
Date: 27 Aug 08 - 03:47 PM

Most people have a skeleton in their closet. David Beckham takes his out in public.

Subject: RE: BS: 5th Joke thread of 2008!
From: Dead Horse
Date: 28 Aug 08 - 05:51 PM

WARNING: Election time coming

The Devil and Gordon Brown

While on his morning walk, Prime Minister Gordon Brown falls over, has a heart attack and dies because the accident and emergency dept at his nearest hospital is too understaffed to treat him in time.

So his soul arrives in Heaven and he is met by Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates.

"Welcome to Heaven," says Saint Peter, "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a Socialist around these parts, so we're not sure what to do with you."

"No problem, just let me in; I'm a good Christian; I'm a believer," says the PM.

"I'd like to just let you in, but I have orders from God Himself. He says that since the implementation of his new HEAVEN CHOICES policy, you have to spend one day in Hell and one day in Heaven. Then you must choose where you'll live for eternity."

"But I've already made up my mind. I want to be in Heaven," replies Brown.

"I'm sorry ... But we have our rules," Peter interjects. And, with that, St. Peter escorts him to an elevator and he goes down, down, down ...all the way to Hell.

The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a lush golf course. The sun is shining in a cloudless sky. The temperature is a perfect 22C degrees. In the distance is a beautiful club-house. Standing in front of it is Harold Wilson and thousands of other Socialist luminaries who had helped him out over the years --- John Smith, Michael Foot, Jim Callaghan, etc. The whole of the Labour Party leaders were there... Everyone laughing, happy, and casually but expensively dressed.

They run to greet him, to hug him and to reminisce about the good times they had getting rich at the expense of 'suckers and peasants.'

They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster and caviar.

The Devil himself comes up to Brown with a frosty drink, "Have a tequila and relax, Gord!"

"Uh, I can't drink anymore, I took a pledge," says Brown, dejectedly.

"This is Hell, son. You can drink and eat all you want and not worry and it just gets better from there!"

Brown takes the drink and finds himself liking the Devil, who he thinks is a really very friendly bloke who tells funny jokes like himself and pulls hilarious nasty pranks, kind of like the ones the Labour Party pulled with the European Constitution and the Education, Immigration, Tough on Crime promises.

They are having such a great time that, before he realises it, it's time to go. Everyone gives him a big hug and waves as Brown steps on the elevator and heads upward.

When the elevator door reopens, he is in Heaven again and Saint Peter is waiting for him. "Now it's time to visit Heaven," the old man says, opening the gate.

So for 24 hours Brown is made to hang out with a bunch of honest, good-natured people who enjoy each other's company, talk about things other than money and treat each other decently. Not a nasty prank or short-arse joke among them. No fancy country clubs here and, while the food tastes great, it's not caviar or lobster. And these people are all poor. He doesn't see anybody he knows and he isn't even treated like someone special!

"Whoa," he says uncomfortably to himself. "Harold Wilson never prepared me for this!"

The day done, Saint Peter returns and says, "Well, you've spent a day in Hell and a day in Heaven. Now choose where you want to live for Eternity."

With the 'Deal or No Deal' theme playing softly in the background, Brown reflects for a minute ... Then answers: "Well, I would never have thought I'd say this -- I mean, Heaven has been delightful and all but I really think I belong in Hell with my friends."

So Saint Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down, all the way to Hell.

The doors of the elevator open and he is in the middle of a barren scorched earth covered with garbage and toxic industrial wasteland, looking a bit like the eroded, rabbit and fox affected Australian outback, but worse and more desolate

He is horrified to see all of his friends, dressed in rags and chained together, picking up the roadside rubbish and putting it into black plastic bags. They are groaning and moaning in pain, faces and hands black with grime.

The Devil comes over to Brown and puts an arm around his shoulder." I don't understand," stammers a shocked Brown, "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and a club-house and we ate lobster and caviar and drank tequila. We lazed around and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and everybody looks miserable!"

The Devil looks at him, smiles slyly and purrs, "Yesterday we were campaigning; today you voted for us!"

Subject: RE: BS: 5th Joke thread of 2008!
From: bfdk
Date: 28 Aug 08 - 06:33 PM

Got this in the mail today:

Cowboy Honeymoon

A cowboy and his wife had just gotten married and found a nice hotel for their wedding night. The man approached the Front Desk and asked for a room.

He said, 'This heerza special 'casion -- our honeymoon -- and we need a nice room with a good strong bed.'

The clerk winked -- 'You want the 'Bridal'?'

The cowboy reflected on this for a moment and then replied, 'Nope, reckon not. Guess I'll jist hold on to her ears til she gits used to it.'

Subject: RE: BS: 5th Joke thread of 2008!
From: Joe_F
Date: 28 Aug 08 - 09:30 PM

"St Peter, I'm bored. May I try hell for a while?"
"You're there."

Subject: RE: BS: 5th Joke thread of 2008!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 29 Aug 08 - 02:46 PM

"Pulled Over"

A policeman pulls over a driver for swerving in and out of lanes on the highway. He tells the guy to blow a breath into a breathalyzer.

"I can't do that, officer."

"Why not?"

"Because I'm an asthmatic. I could get an asthma attack if I blow into that tube."

"Okay, we'll just get a urine sample down at the station."

"Can't do that either, officer."

"Why not?"

"Because I'm a diabetic. I could get low blood sugar if I pee in a cup."

"All right, we could get a blood sample."

"Can't do that either, officer."

"Why not?"

"Because I'm a hemophiliac. If I give blood I could die."

"Fine then, just walk this white line."

"Can't do that either, officer."

"Why not?"

"Because I'm drunk."

Subject: RE: BS: 5th Joke thread of 2008!
From: severed-head
Date: 29 Aug 08 - 05:18 PM

Why Men Don't Write Advice Columns



    Dear Walter:

    I hope you can help me here. The other day, I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't gone more than a mile down the road when my engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help. When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in our bedroom with the lady who lives next door. I am 32, my husband is 34, and we have been married for twelve years. When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted that they had been having an affair for the past six months. I told him to stop or I would leave him. He was let go from his job six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. He won't go to counseling and I'm afraid I can't get through to him anymore.
    Can you please help?

    Sincerely, Sheila

    ---------------------------------------------------

    Dear Sheila:

    A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the vacuum pipes and hoses on the intake manifold and also check all grounding wires. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the carburetor float chamber.

    I hope this helps.
    -Walter

Subject: RE: BS: 5th Joke thread of 2008!
From: Joe_F
Date: 29 Aug 08 - 08:45 PM

A first-grade teacher, on the first day of class, gave her pupils a little quiz to check on their aspirations & aptitudes:

(1) 1 + 1 = ?
(2) What do you want to be when you grow up?

She got back the following papers:

(1) 2.
(2) A schoolteacher.

(1) 10 binary; 2 octal, decimal, or hex.
(2) A computer scientist.

(1) 2, unless you are working in a field of characteristic 0.
(2) A mathematician.

(1) You haven't told me how accurately those 1's were measured.
(2) An engineer.

(1) What answer do you want?
(2) An accountant.

Subject: RE: BS: 5th Joke thread of 2008!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 31 Aug 08 - 05:12 PM

One day a farmer's donkey fell down into a well. The animal cried piteously for hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do.

Finally, he decided the animal was old, and the well needed to be covered up anyway; it just wasn't worth it to retrieve the donkey.

He invited all his neighbors to come over and help him. They all grabbed a shovel and began to shovel dirt into the well. At first, the donkey realized what was happening and cried horribly.

Then, to everyone's amazement he quieted down.

A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally looked down the well. He was astonished at what he saw. With each shovel of dirt that hit his back, the donkey was doing something amazing. He would shake it off and take a step up.

As the farmer's neighbors continued to shovel dirt on top of the animal, he would shake it off and take a step up.

Pretty soon, everyone was amazed as the donkey stepped up over the edge of the well and happily trotted off!

Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt. The trick to getting out of the well is to shake it off and take a step up.

Each of our troubles is a stepping stone. We can get out of the deepest wells just by not stopping, never giving up! Shake it off and take a step up.

So remember the five simple rules to be happy:

Free your heart from hatred - Forgive.

Free your mind from worries - Most never happen.

Live simply and appreciate what you have.

Give more.

Expect less

NOW............ Enough of that crap . . .

The donkey later came back, and bit the farmer who had tried to bury him. The gash from the bite got infected, and the farmer eventually died in agony from septic shock.

MORAL FROM TODAY'S LESSON:

When you do something wrong,

and try to cover your ass,

it always comes back to bite you.

You have two choices...smile and close this page, or pass this along to someone else to spread the fun.

Subject: RE: BS: 5th Joke thread of 2008!
From: John O'L
Date: 01 Sep 08 - 12:26 AM

Yesterday I answered a knock on the door, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.
'Good morning,' said the young man. 'If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners.'
'Go away!' I said. 'I haven't got any money. I'm broke!' and proceeded to close the door.
Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed wide open. 'Don't be too hasty!' he said. 'Not until you have at least seen my demonstration.' And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto my hallway carpet.
'If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, I will personally eat the remainder.'
I stepped back and said, 'Well I hope you've got a f*cking good appetite, because they cut off my electricity this morning. What part of 'I'm broke' do you not understand?'

Subject: RE: BS: 5th Joke thread of 2008!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 01 Sep 08 - 10:32 AM

"Quick Decisions"

The train which was going peacefully on the rail tracks
suddenly deviated from the tracks and went to the
fields nearby and then came back on the tracks. The
passengers were horrified.

At the next railway station the driver was caught. He
was questioned.

He explained that there was a man standing on the
tracks and he was not moving from there even after
lots of honks, etc...

The authorities questioned: "Are you mad?!? Just to
save the life of one person you put the lives of so many
passengers in danger!?! You should have run over that
person..."

He said, "Exactly! That is what I also decided, but this
*idiot* started running towards the field when the train
came very close, so I decided to..."

Subject: RE: BS: 5th Joke thread of 2008!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 01 Sep 08 - 10:33 AM

"Poor Hank"

Hank was a not too smart kind of guy. Everyday
when he walked home from work, he would get
stopped by three nasty men and they would beat
him up and steal his money.

Finally, Hank decided that it would serve his best
interest to walk a different route and then take
up some self-defense classes so this wouldn't
happen again. He joined a karate class and soon
was doing very well to defend himself.

So, one day, on the way home from work Hank
took his old route home and sure enough there
they were. He walked up to them and the battle
ensued. The next afternoon Hank went to his
karate class with a black eye, a broken nose and
a busted lip.

His instructor, shocked, asked him what happened.

"Well," explained Hank, "I took my old way home
last night so I could beat these guys up who were
stealing my money, but they beat me up before I
could get my shoes and socks off!"

Subject: RE: BS: 5th Joke thread of 2008!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 04 Sep 08 - 08:53 AM

"Fresh Lunch"

A bricklayer at my husband's construction job
routinely complained about the contents of his
lunch box.

"I'm sick and tired of getting the same old thing!"
he shouted one day. "Tonight I'll set my wife
straight."

The next day the men could hardly wait until
lunchtime to hear what happened.

"You bet I told her off," the brick- layer boasted.
"I said, 'No more of the same old stuff. Be creative!'
We had one heck of a fight, but I got my point
across."

He had indeed. In front of an admiring audience,
he opened his lunch box to find that his wife had
packed a coconut and a hammer.

Subject: RE: BS: 5th Joke thread of 2008!
From: Maxine
Date: 04 Sep 08 - 03:48 PM

I can only apologise - but they are funny (I like the one about the sheep dog)

There was recently a conference on multiple personality disorder. Anyone who was everyone was there.

Did you hear about the insomniac agnostic dyslexic who used to lie awake at night wondering if there really was a dog?

Or the dyslexic pimp who opened a Warehouse?

Or the dyslexic who went to a toga party dressed as a goat?

Or the dyslexic devil-worshipper who sold his soul to Santa

There was chaos at London Zoo this week. Someone gave the hyena an oxo cube and he ended up a laughing stock

Disaster in the Atlantic as a cargo ship carrying a load of blue paint crashed into a cargo ship carrying a load of red paint - the crews were all marooned.

What's green and eats nuts?

Syphilis.

I read a very disturbing article in a magazine the other day about the damaging effects of drinking too much. So that's it for me, no more reading.

A farmer sent his sheepdog out to count his sheep. The dog came back and said, "There's 40 of them".
The farmer said "40? but I only bought 39". The dog replied, "I know, I rounded them up".

I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said, Thyroid problem?

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realized that The Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole one and asked him to forgive me

My Dad used to say 'always fight fire with fire', which is probably why he got thrown out of the fire brigade.

You know that look women get when they want sex? Me neither

I saw a monkey walking down the street with a banana and a tin opener in his hand. I said "hey, monkey, you don't need a tin opener for a banana". The monkey said, "I know, it's for my custard."

Subject: RE: BS: 5th Joke thread of 2008!
From: Donuel
Date: 04 Sep 08 - 05:27 PM

POKER HIGH STAKES

Subject: RE: BS: 5th Joke thread of 2008!
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 04 Sep 08 - 06:09 PM

From the thread list just now...

BS: Observations of Republican Convention         
BS: Beer, Tits and Spiritual growth         
BS: 5th Joke thread of 2008!

Subject: RE: BS: 5th Joke thread of 2008!
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 04 Sep 08 - 06:24 PM

Thank you for purchasing
'Bubba & Cooter's Book of Sure-fire Pick-up Lines'
brought to you by Bubba & Cooter, straight outta the hills.

Enjoy!



1) Did you fart?
   cuz you blew me away.

   2) Are yer parents retarded?
   cuz ya sure are special.

   3) My Love fer you is like diarrhea .
   I can't hold it in.

   4) Do you have a library card?
   cuz I'd like to sign you out

   5) Is there a mirror in yer pants?
   cuz I can see myself in em.
      
   6) If you was a tree & I was a Squirrel,
   I'd store my nuts in yer hole.

   7) You might not be the best lookin girl here,
   but beauty's only a light switch away.

   8) Man - 'Fat Penguin!'
   Woman - 'WHAT?'
   Man - 'I just wanted to say something that would break the ice.'

   9) I know I'm not no Fred Flintstone,
   but I bet I can make yer bed-rock.

   10) I can't find my puppy, can you help me find him?
   I think he went inta this cheap motel room...

   11) Yer eyes are as blue as window cleaner.

   12) If yer gunna regret this in the mornin,
   we kin sleep til afternoon.


   AND.. the best for last!

   13) Yer face reminds me of a wrench,
   every time I think of it, my nuts tighten up

Subject: RE: BS: 5th Joke thread of 2008!
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 05 Sep 08 - 08:06 PM

A WOMAN'S WEEK AT THE GYM



If you read this without laughing out loud, there is something wrong with you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get into a regular workout routine.



Dear Diary,
For my birthday this year, my daughter (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me.

Although I am still in great shape since being a high school football cheerleader 43 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.

I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear.

My daughter seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.

________________________________
MONDAY:
Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for me. She is something of a Greek goddess - with blond hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!

Belinda gave me a tour and showed me the machines. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring!

Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week-!!

__________________ ______________
TUESDAY:
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT-!! It's a whole new life for me.

_______________________________
WEDNESDAY:
The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot.

Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for that early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying.

My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. She said some other stuff too.

_______________________________
THURSDAY:
Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late - it took me that long to tie my shoes.

Belinda took me to work out with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and hid in the restroom. She sent another skinny girl to find me.

Then, as punishment, she put me on the rowing machine -- which I sank.

_______________________________
FRIDAY:
I hate that Belinda more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, aenemic, anorexic little cheerleader. If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it.

Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the damn barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.

The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?

________________________________
SATURDAY:
Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her voice made me want to smash the machine with my planner; however, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.

________________________________
SUNDAY:
I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my daughter (bless her little heart??!!) will choose a gift for me that is fun -- like a root canal or a hysterectomy. I still say if God had wanted me to bend over, he would have sprinkled the floor with diamonds!!!

Subject: RE: BS: 5th Joke thread of 2008!
From: katlaughing
Date: 06 Sep 08 - 12:45 AM

LOL...someone just sent me that one! Here's another:

A drunk stumbles along a baptismal service on a Sunday afternoon down by the river. He proceeds to stumble down into the water and stands next to the Minister.

The Minister turns, notices the old drunk and says, "Mister, are you ready to find Jesus?"

The drunk looks back and says, "Yes sir, I am."

The Minister then dunks the fellow under the water and pulls him right back up. "Have you found Jesus?" the Minister asks.

"No, I didn't!" said the drunk.

The Minister then dunks him under for a quite a bit longer, brings him up and says, "Now brother, have you found Jesus?"

"No, I did not!" says the drunk again.

Disgusted, the Minister holds the man under for at least 30 seconds this time, brings him up and demands, "For the grace of God, have you found Jesus yet?!"

The old drunk wipes his eyes and pleads, "Are you sure this is where he fell in?"

Subject: RE: BS: 5th Joke thread of 2008!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 06 Sep 08 - 10:20 AM

"Lost in Burbs"

A friend was thinking about buying a new house
in the country and asked me to come out and
look at it.

We found the town, but we couldn't locate the
road.

We drove over to city hall, where a community
get-together was going on, and asked around,
but no one had heard of the road.

Even the policemen and fire personnel were
stumped.

We went to city hall and consulted a map, with
no luck, until finally one young man came to our
aid.

He pointed to the map, showing us exactly
how to get there.

I thanked the young man and asked if he was
with the police or fire department.

"Neither," he replied. "I deliver pizzas."


-------


"Pepperoni Pizza"

An American businessman goes to Japan on a
business trip, but he hates Japanese food, so
he asks the concierge at his hotel if there's any
place around where he can get American food.

The concierge tells him he's in luck, there's a
pizza place that just opened, and they deliver.
The concierge gives the businessman the phone
number, and he goes back to his room and
orders a pizza.

Thirty minutes later, the delivery guy shows up
to the door with the pizza.

The businessman takes the pizza, and starts
sneezing uncontrollably.

He asks the delivery man, "What the Heck did
you put on this pizza?"

The delivery man bows deeply and says, "We
put on the pizza what you ordered, pepper only."

Subject: RE: BS: 5th Joke thread of 2008!
From: breezy
Date: 06 Sep 08 - 12:12 PM

from the son of breezy-josh =](breezy jr)


3 children go missing for 3 days

after the 4th day, 1 of them, a boy, comes back and his t-shirts inside out.

And their teacher demands "where have you been, child?"

he says "I've been doing press ups on Strawberry Hill, miss"

the next day a boy covered in sweat appears and gets asked by the teacher "where have you been?"

"I've been doing press ups on Strawberry Hill miss"

the next day, a completely naked girl comes back and the teacher asks "Let me guess, you have been doing press ups on Strawberry Hill as well have you?"


And the girl replies...
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"No miss, I am Strawberry Hill!"

Subject: RE: BS: 5th Joke thread of 2008!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 07 Sep 08 - 11:00 AM

"School Answering Machine"
{I suppose it's not True, but it's funny anyway}

This is the message that the Pacific Palisades High
School California staff voted unanimously to record
on their school telephone answering machine.

This is the actual answering machine message for
the school. This came about because they
implemented a policy requiring parents as well as
the students to be responsible for their children's
absences and missing homework.

The school and teachers are being sued by parents
who want their children's failing grades changed to
passing grades - even though those children were
absent 15-30 times during the semester and did not
complete enough school work to pass their classes.


"The Result"

The proposed outgoing message:

Hello! You have reached the automated answering
service of your school. In order to assist you in
connecting to the right staff member, please listen
to all the options before making a selection:

To lie about why your child is absent - Press 1

To make excuses for why your child did not do his
work -Press 2

To complain about what we do - Press 3

To swear at staff members - Press 4

To ask why you didn't get information that was
already enclosed in your newsletter and several
flyers mailed to you - Press 5

If you want us to raise your child - Press 6

If you want to reach out and touch, slap or hit
someone - Press 7

To request another teacher, for the third time
this year - Press 8

To complain about bus transportation - Press 9

To complain about school lunches - Press 0

If you realize this is the real world and your child
must be accountable and responsible for his/her
own behavior, class work, homework, and that
it's not the teachers' fault for your child's lack of
effort: Hang up and have a nice day!

Subject: RE: BS: 5th Joke thread of 2008!
From: GUEST,guess
Date: 07 Sep 08 - 05:59 PM

I think Breezy meant Primrose Hill.

Subject: RE: BS: 5th Joke thread of 2008!
From: Joe_F
Date: 07 Sep 08 - 08:59 PM

The church is near, but the road is icy; the tavern is far, but I'll go carefully.

Subject: RE: BS: 5th Joke thread of 2008!
From: Folkiedave
Date: 08 Sep 08 - 05:58 AM

May be old - sorry if it is a repeat.

A duck and a chicken are stood on a kerb looking down a couple of inches towards the road and then across it.

Chicken turns to the duck and says "I wouldn't if I were you, I did it once and people haven't stopped talking about it yet".

Subject: RE: BS: 5th Joke thread of 2008!
From: Michael
Date: 08 Sep 08 - 07:45 AM

Isn't Primrose Hill Strawberry's sister?
In the version I knew as a kid she was Cherry Lane but perhaps that was just to annoy my mate David Lane.

Mike

Subject: RE: BS: 5th Joke thread of 2008!
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 08 Sep 08 - 08:27 AM

A dad was in a restaurant with his son. The son was demonstrating how he can catch a dollar coin with his mouth after flipping it in the air.

Suddenly, he started to choke, going blue in the face. The dad realises he had swallowed the coin and started panicking, shouting for help..

A well dressed, attractive, but serious-looking woman in a blue business suit was sitting at a coffee bar in the mall, reading her newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee.

At the sound of the commotion, she looked up, put her coffee cup down on the saucer, neatly folded the newspaper and placed it on the counter, got up from her seat and made her way, unhurried, across the mall.

Reaching the young man, the woman carefully unzipped his pants, took hold of his testicles and started to squeeze, gently at first and then even more firmly. After a few seconds he convulsed violently and coughed up the dollar coin, which the woman deftly caught in her free hand.

Releasing the lad, the woman handed the coin to the father and walked back to her seat in the coffee bar without saying a word.

As soon as he was sure that his son had suffered no lasting ill effects, the father rushed over to the woman and started thanking her saying, 'I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?'

'No,' the woman replied,' I work for the Australian Taxation Office.'

Subject: RE: BS: 5th Joke thread of 2008!
From: Donuel
Date: 08 Sep 08 - 08:39 AM

"How many women with PMS does it take to change a light bulb?"
I don't know.
"It takes seven."
Why seven?
"IT JUST DOES OK !"

Subject: RE: BS: 5th Joke thread of 2008!
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 08 Sep 08 - 06:48 PM

NURSES SHOULD NEVER LAUGH


"Of course I won't laugh, I'm a professional Nurse. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient."

"Okay then," Fred said and proceeded to drop his trousers, Revealing the tiniest penis the nurse had ever seen. It couldn't have been bigger than the size of a AAA battery.

Unable to control herself, the nurse started giggling then Fell laughing to the floor. Ten minutes later she was able to Struggle to her feet and regain her composure

"I'm so sorry," said the nurse. "I really am. I don't know What came over me. On my honour as a nurse and a lady, I promise it won't happen again.

Now, what seems to be the problem?"

"It's swollen," Fred replied.

Subject: RE: BS: 5th Joke thread of 2008!
From: GUEST,heric
Date: 09 Sep 08 - 03:42 PM

A guy was referred to a urologist who turned out to be female and quite a looker. As she was examining him she said "I'm afraid you'll need to stop masturbating so much" "Why?" "Because I'm trying to examine you."

Subject: RE: BS: 5th Joke thread of 2008!
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 09 Sep 08 - 07:05 PM

WHY GOD MADE MUMS

Answers given by 2nd grade school children to the following questions:


Why did God make mothers?

1. She's the only one who knows where the sticky tape is.
2. Mostly to clean the house.
3. To help us out of there when we were getting born.


How did God make mothers?

1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.
2. Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring.
3. God made my mum just the same like he made me. He just used bigger parts.


What ingredients are mothers made of?

1. God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in the world and one dab of mean.
2. They had to get their start from men's bones. Then they mostly use string, I think.


Why did God give you your mother and not some other mum?

1. We're related.
2. God knew she likes me a lot more than other people's mums like me.


What kind of little girl was your mum?

1. My mum has always been my mum and none of that other stuff.
2. I don't know because I wasn't there, but my guess would be pretty bossy.
3. They say she used to be nice.


What did Mum need to know about Dad before she married him?

1. His last name.
2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does he get drunk on beer?
3. Does he make at least $800 a year? Did he say no to drugs and yes to chores?


Why did your mum marry your dad?

1. My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my mum eats a lot.
2. She got too old to do anything else with him.
3. My grandma says that Mum didn't have her thinking cap on.


Who's the boss at your house?

1. Mum doesn't want to be boss, but she has to because Dad's such an idiot.
2. Mum. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the bed.
3. I guess Mum is, but only because she has a lot more to do than Dad.


What's the difference between mums & dads?

1. Mums work at work and work at home and dads just go to work at work.
2. Mums know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.
3. Dads are taller & stronger, but mums have all the real power 'cause that's who you got to ask if you want to sleep over at your friend's.
4. Mums have magic. They make you feel better without medicine.


What does your mum do in her spare time?

1. Mothers don't have spare time.
2. To hear her talk, she pays bills all day long.


What would it take to make your mum perfect?

1. On the inside she's already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of plastic surgery.
2. You know, her hair. I'd die it, maybe blue.


If you could change one thing about your mum, what would it be?

1. She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean. I'd get rid of that.
2. I'd make my mum smarter. Then she would know it was my sister who did it and not me.
3. I would like her to get rid of those invisible eyes on the back of her head.

Subject: RE: BS: 5th Joke thread of 2008!
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 10 Sep 08 - 06:57 AM

It was entertainment night at the Senior Center. Claude the hypnotist exclaimed: 'I'm here to put you into a trance. I intend to hypnotise each and every member of the audience'.

The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat.

'I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations.'

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, 'Watch the watch, watch the watch, and watch the watch...'

The crowd became mesmerised as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until, suddenly, it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.




'Shit!' said the Hypnotist.





It took three days to clean up the Senior Center...

Subject: RE: BS: 5th Joke thread of 2008!
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 10 Sep 08 - 07:05 AM

Well, one day Harry the Eagle waited at the nest for Mary, his darling of 10 glorious years. After a while when she didn't return he went looking and found her. She had been shot dead!

Harry was devastated, but after about six minutes of mourning he decided that he must get himself another mate, but since there weren't any lady eagles available he'd have to cross the feather barrier. So he flew off to find a new mate. He found a lovely dove and brought her back to the nest.

The sex was good but all the dove would say is ....


'I am a DOVE, I want to love! I am a DOVE, I want to love!'


Well, this got on Harry's nerves so he kicked the dove out of the nest and flew off once more to find a mate. He soon found a very sexy loon and brought her back to the nest.

Again the sex was good but all the loon would say is.......


'I am a LOON, I want to spoon! I am a LOON, I want to spoon!'


So out with the loon.


Once more he flew off to find a mate. This time he found a gorgeous duck and he brought the duck back to the nest.

This time the sex was great, but all the duck would say was....






NO, The duck didn't say THAT!!!





... Don't be SO disgusting. !




The duck said....




'I am a DRAKE,

You made a MISTAKE !!!!!!!!!!

Subject: RE: BS: 5th Joke thread of 2008!
From: Donuel
Date: 10 Sep 08 - 08:59 AM

Are you Dr. Wilson the hypnotist? the police asked
Yes what is the problem?
We are investigating a rape in the area.
What can I do for you.
We would like to know if you are Hypno the rapist , like it says on your door.

Subject: RE: BS: 5th Joke thread of 2008!
From: Donuel
Date: 10 Sep 08 - 09:29 AM

A pig a dog and a moose and a barracuda 'walk' into a bar,
The bartender says, you're gonna hafta take your politics outside, this is a sports bar.

A basketball player and a hunter walk into a bar...

Subject: RE: BS: 5th Joke thread of 2008!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 10 Sep 08 - 10:06 AM

"What A Relief"

A moron tripped on the stairs and broke his leg.

The doctor put a cast on it and warned that he
wasn't to use the stairs until the cast came off.

Four months later he removed the cast and
pronounced him well on the way to recovery.

"Oh good," he responded. "Is it all right for me
to walk the stairs now?"

"Yes," said the doctor, "if you will promise to be
careful."

"I can't tell you what a relief it will be," he sighed.
"It was such a nuisance crawling outside and
shinnying up and down that drainpipe all the time!"

Subject: RE: BS: 5th Joke thread of 2008!
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 10 Sep 08 - 05:08 PM

A husband is at home watching a football game when his wife interrupts. "Honey, could you fix the light in the hallway? It's been flickering for weeks now."

He looks at her and says angrily, "fix the lights now? Does it look like I have Energex written on my forehead? I don't think so."

"Fine", then the wife asks, "well then, could you fix the fridge door?
it won't close right."

To which he replied, "Fix the fridge door? does it look like I have Westinghouse written on my forehead? I don't think so."

"Fine", she says "Then you could at least fix the steps to the front door? They are about to break."

"I'm not a carpenter and I don't want to fix steps" he says, "Does it look like I have Bunnings written on my forehead? I don't think so I've had enough of you. I'm going to the pub!!!!"

So he goes to the pub and drinks for a couple of hours....................

He starts to feel guilty about how he treated his wife, and decides to go home.

As he walks into the house he notices that the steps are already fixed.

As he enters the house, he sees the hall light is working.

As he goes to get a beer, he notices the fridge door is fixed.

"Honey", he asks, "how'd all this get fixed?"

She said, "well, when you left I sat outside and cried. Just then a nice young man asked me what was wrong, and I told him. He offered to do all the repairs, and all I had to do was either go to bed with him or bake a cake."

He said, "so what kind of cake did you bake?"

She replied, "Hellooooo... do you see Sara Lee written on my forehead? I don't think so!"

Subject: RE: BS: 5th Joke thread of 2008!
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 11 Sep 08 - 07:38 AM

A woman walks into the Mt. Druitt Centrelink office, trailed by 15 kids...

'WOW,' the social worker exclaims, 'Are they ALL yours?

'Yeah they are all mine,' the flustered mother sighs, having heard that question a thousand times before.

She says, 'Sit down Terry.' All the children rush to find seats.

'Well,' says the social worker, 'then you must be here to sign up. I'll need all your children's names.'

'This one's my oldest - he is Terry.'

'OK, and who's next?'

'Well, this one he is Terry, also.'

The social worker raises an eyebrow but continues. One by one, through the oldest four, all boys, all named Terry.

Then she is introduced to the eldest girl, named Terri.

'All right,' says the caseworker. 'I'm seeing a pattern here. Are they all named Terri?'

Their Mother replied, 'Well, yes-it makes it easier. When it is time to get them out of bed and ready for school, I yell 'Terry!

' An' when it's time for dinner, I just yell 'Terry! An they all come runnin.'

An' if I need to stop the kid who's running into the street, I just yell 'Terry' and all of them stop. It's the smartest idea I ever had, namin' them all Terry.'

The social worker thinks this over for a bit, then wrinkles her forehead and says tentatively, 'But what if you just want ONE kid to come, and not the whole bunch' ?

'I call them by their last names!'

Subject: RE: BS: 5th Joke thread of 2008!
From: Folkiedave
Date: 11 Sep 08 - 06:15 PM

Make this for any sports team rivalry you like - in my home town it's Sheffield United and Sheffield Wednesday - both football (soocer) clubs.

A Wednesday supporter goes to get his shirt off the washing line in the garden and when he goes out the door he sees the shirt lying in the mud.

His mother comes out, looks at it and says "My goodness, someone has stolen the pegs".