BS: Mudcat Winter Holiday Tavern 2008

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Winter Holiday Tavern 2008
From: Severn
Date: 28 Dec 08 - 12:48 PM

As a former Civil War reenactor, I've never tended to Jubal early (Or Grant much Leeway for that matter, but I haven't been singing "Don we now our Grey Apparel......" in years), but the time seems right. Like Jubal, I just ate too, so I'm ready to sing. You got this round. Who's got the next round?


Round, round, got a round,
She's got a round.
Got a round, round, round,
She's got a round.
She's got a rou-ou-ou-ound......."


Or should I take that Brian Wilson s**t out the back left door where we usually keep the beach?......

Meanwhile, our now-healed reptile friend from last Tavern, recently back from a Cayman vacation, just came in through the alley gate and in the side door with a human-skin bag on its back full of copies of "An Alligator Blues Christmas Vol.1" to pass out to one and all.

Some caroler types start singing the taditional Tavern favorite "I Wonder As I Wand Her" and a murmer goes through the crowd, Where IS the wand this year, and who HAS it?".....

Everybody in their new Christmas sweaters are thankful for the abscence, thus far, of any moths.....

The shanty sing crowd next takes over comes in at full volume with "Haul The Decks" and MAG cries out, "What about another round?" and only gets another drink for her troubles, as do we all. The Squid, somewhat high behind the bar, sets the bar higher for all Taverns to come by being able to provide refills at a record rate....

By now, our reptile friend is half croc-ed on Gator Ade laced with Gos Only Knows What.....

And for some reason, there is the traditional long line for the Ladies room again.....

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Winter Holiday Tavern 2008
From: Stilly River Sage
Date: 28 Dec 08 - 01:03 PM

Sage staggers in, bleary-eyed, after struggling to restore some connectivity to her fried computer. It is up and running after a fashion, but still needs a lot more work, as most files are still in there, but can't be reached right now. . .

Something strong and rich, barkeep, please. How about a glass of Chianti (leave the bottle) and a plate of savory-type horse-doovers?

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Winter Holiday Tavern 2008
From: SINSULL
Date: 28 Dec 08 - 05:52 PM

Last time I saw the wand it was being used to scour the loo.

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Winter Holiday Tavern 2008
From: MAG
Date: 29 Dec 08 - 04:02 PM

"Make new friends, and ke-ep the o-ld; one is silver and the other gold."

Corny as hell, I know, but a round everybody knows. (Don't they?)

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Winter Holiday Tavern 2008
From: MMario
Date: 29 Dec 08 - 04:15 PM

That's one I've never heard, MAG.

I'm afraid to ask why Liz's tits have nuts.

I'm just gonna curl up in the chair over by the fireplace and try to finish (one of)the shawl(s) I started this summer.
SQUIDKEEP! Black Russian this way? Please?

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Winter Holiday Tavern 2008
From: Severn
Date: 29 Dec 08 - 07:14 PM

MAG,

I learned that one at a tender age from my oldest sister, God rest her soul. Probably the first one I may have learned.


SINSULL,

How might that affect the magic?


The Gator,

Thanks for the present.

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Winter Holiday Tavern 2008
From: MAG
Date: 29 Dec 08 - 08:05 PM

Hey ho, nobody home; meat nor drink nor money have I none;

Still we will be me-e-e-ry,

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Winter Holiday Tavern 2008
From: Stilly River Sage
Date: 29 Dec 08 - 10:11 PM

MAG, have a meal, put it on Bert's card. That's what it is still here for. The squid has astonished everyone with his abilities this year--it seems to be the best way to keep him out of trouble is to let his creative side free. MMario, your shoes are smoking. I think you are a little too close to that fire.

Swoosh!

A bucketful of water is flung onto Leo's smoldering shoes from the general direction of the kitchen. A tentacle dragging a bucket is seen to exit the room, bouncing on the corner of the bar as it goes past.

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Winter Holiday Tavern 2008
From: MMario
Date: 29 Dec 08 - 10:21 PM

ah poor bird
take thy flight
fly above the sorrows of this sad, sad, night

fits in well with "heigh ho" - though it's a different tune.

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Winter Holiday Tavern 2008
From: Rapparee
Date: 29 Dec 08 - 10:28 PM

With a loud bang the southern door is flung open and he walks in, booted and spurred, rapier at his side and a brace of pistols in his belt. "Mulled wine!" he loudly calls, "or a flagon of sack...saggin of flack?...that sherry-like stuff. Thank you very much."

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Winter Holiday Tavern 2008
From: Stilly River Sage
Date: 29 Dec 08 - 11:55 PM

Look! In the South! Coming from the Wrong Direction! It's the LIBERRIAN!

Now the place is going to get a little noisy. Someone better warn Rapaire AND the giant squid.

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Winter Holiday Tavern 2008
From: Liz the Squeak
Date: 30 Dec 08 - 05:22 AM

That does it... I'm off outa here... Severn, you are truly back to your old self.. and we were so hoping you'd be better by now!


Off to visit forn parts for a couple of days, enjoy the beer and it's not me blocking up the ladies.


Of course my tits have nuts, how else do you expect them to survive the winter?

LTS

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Winter Holiday Tavern 2008
From: Rapparee
Date: 30 Dec 08 - 08:03 AM

"Another slagon of fack, please. And some vittles wouldn't be out of line. You folks got any Son Of A Bitch stew? No? Good! How about some biscuits and good butter? My Gawd but it was a horrible ride! The moon was more like an erased line than a ribbon over the purple moor, which was really blacker'n the inside of a black cat in a coal mine."

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Winter Holiday Tavern 2008
From: MMario
Date: 30 Dec 08 - 09:01 AM

The wind was a torrent of darkness
Amongst the gusting trees
The moon was a ghostly galleon
tossed upon cloudy seas
The road was a erased line
over the cat-black moor
When Rapaire came riding,
riding,
riding....
Rapaire came riding
Up to the tavern door.

Over the squid he clambered, tossed an order to the bar
Ounded his fist on the "Ladies" door; though the line was very long
He whisted a tune, he said was a tit's
But who should answer his call
'Twas nothing more then a Little Hawk
Little Hawk the MOAB child
Crowing that he was more awake
The Rapaire ever were.

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Winter Holiday Tavern 2008
From: Stilly River Sage
Date: 30 Dec 08 - 11:22 AM

Talk about intertextuality. . .

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Winter Holiday Tavern 2008
From: GUEST,MAG at work
Date: 30 Dec 08 - 01:58 PM

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Winter Holiday Tavern 2008
From: lady penelope
Date: 30 Dec 08 - 05:22 PM

Ah poor bird
Take thy flight
Fly above the misery of this dark night....   Is the version I know.


Karbeep? I will have a St. Clemens.... got to get up early to go for my check up at the doc's. They don't like it when I test 'neat'.... *G*

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Winter Holiday Tavern 2008
From: Rapparee
Date: 30 Dec 08 - 05:44 PM

Argh! Now ye've done it ye scurvy dog! Shiver me timbers but I'll...oops. Sorry. Switching from Pirate Mode now.

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Winter Holiday Tavern 2008
From: GUEST,MAG at work
Date: 30 Dec 08 - 09:08 PM

I don't know why that last message was blank; I typed it all in.

"Make New Friends" Severn, from Girl Scouts to the best of my recollection.

Meal: I'm on short rations until I can see my feet and am off diabetes shots; no sugar, white flour, or excessive carbs. But I can have STEAK.

"Great John is cast; ..." (6 part round)

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Winter Holiday Tavern 2008
From: Rapparee
Date: 30 Dec 08 - 10:23 PM

"Great John is cast...."

Wow! A toilet throwing contest! Rip out them stools and see who can throw 'em the farthest! A new contest, sort of like tossing the caber or camber or whatever the Scots call that log!

And he gleefully heads for the head.

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Winter Holiday Tavern 2008
From: Stilly River Sage
Date: 31 Dec 08 - 02:30 AM

Sage shouts "NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO!"

"That's as bad as ordering a calamari dinner from our new giant squid chef. Liz the Squeak is going to brain you if you mess with the loos here!"

Too late . . . the tentacles slither out from behind the bar as Rapaire races past. As quick as a cowboy wrapping a dally welter, Rap's ankles were bound tight and the squid pulled back, whipping him off his feet and onto his back and sliding him across the floor. With another shift and a pull of strong twine from above some butcher paper (until now unnoticed behind the bar) Rapaire's ankles are quickly bound to the brass footrest in front of the barstools.

"You spent years cleaning this place after all of my antics in the jello pit. Don't trash it now that I'm a reformed character!" shouts (gurgles) the squid, heading back into the kitchen to take a quiche out of the oven because the timer is going off.

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Winter Holiday Tavern 2008
From: Rapparee
Date: 31 Dec 08 - 08:22 AM

Oh look, he thinks in his ackward position, a spittoon. I haven't seen one of those in years and this one is all polished brass like in the old days. Maybe instead of tossing the toilet we could play Catch the Cuspidor, a new game I just invented. And pulling a knife from the top of his boot he cuts himself free, and with the knife between his teeth he quietly crawls to the brass vessel and finds it about half full of Stilly's tobacco "juice" and the cuds of Liz's snuff.

Oh boy, he mutters to himself, this is gonna be good! And with a loud cry of "Somebody CATCH!" he throws the cuspidor to the center of the group standing singing by the Christmas Tree.

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Winter Holiday Tavern 2008
From: Liz the Squeak
Date: 31 Dec 08 - 09:19 AM

I am so glad I'm not there to see that mess...

That better be gone by the time I get back!

LTS

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Winter Holiday Tavern 2008
From: Stilly River Sage
Date: 31 Dec 08 - 12:59 PM

The cats, lurking on a comfy couch over by MMario, flee.

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Winter Holiday Tavern 2008
From: MMario
Date: 31 Dec 08 - 01:09 PM

MMario quickly assembles a very solid shield between himself and the more rambunctious element in the Tavern; refills his caffiene and Kahlua, and dozes off.

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Winter Holiday Tavern 2008
From: Stilly River Sage
Date: 31 Dec 08 - 01:19 PM

No, again, Rapaire, no. That isn't what you think. That is a supply of molasses for January, you silly. It's still only December, so I don't think that will ooze slow motion out of that cuspidore yet.

Fingers crossed

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Winter Holiday Tavern 2008
From: Rapparee
Date: 31 Dec 08 - 02:17 PM

Nope, it's half full of tobacco juice and cud. I looked and sure enough, that's what it is.

Somebody had better catch that thing before it lands in the stew.

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Winter Holiday Tavern 2008
From: Stilly River Sage
Date: 31 Dec 08 - 02:25 PM

Un-huh. You said it was mine and Liz's, but we don't do things like that. We were storing our January molasses in it. I think you're still dazed from all of the airline travel.

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Winter Holiday Tavern 2008
From: Stilly River Sage
Date: 31 Dec 08 - 02:57 PM

A duck enters, stage left, and settles on Rapaire's chest, staring him in the eye.

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Winter Holiday Tavern 2008
From: MMario
Date: 31 Dec 08 - 03:04 PM

Is it a good duck, or a bade duck?

Or perhapes it is one of the Ducks of Hazard?

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Winter Holiday Tavern 2008
From: Rapparee
Date: 31 Dec 08 - 06:28 PM

Oh, no. It's obviously a Peeking Duck! An escapee from the classic children's book "Make Way For Ducklings A L'Orange", no doubt.

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Winter Holiday Tavern 2008
From: Rapparee
Date: 31 Dec 08 - 06:30 PM

And though the duck sits on his chest, Rapaire isn't about to take any sass off a lousy duck. NO SIR, no duck sass for him!

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Winter Holiday Tavern 2008
From: Stilly River Sage
Date: 31 Dec 08 - 08:05 PM

The duck shifts his tail slightly and lets a splat of poo hit the floor mm from Rap's right hand. The duck is still engaged in the stare down. The cats by the fireplace have ceased their grooming and are watching with interest as another duck approaches Rap's feet, dragging a chenille bedspread.

This appears to be a dramatic rendition of "duck and cover."

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Winter Holiday Tavern 2008
From: Severn
Date: 31 Dec 08 - 08:57 PM

MAG,

If you can have steak, then why not strike up a Ground Round?



Meanwhile, it's ducks redux as more of them enter through the door marked South. The bannd strikes up the overature from "D'Rake's Progress".....

Rapaire's duck stares down at him (and also molts down on him), but although this duck may be having a bit of a moltdown, but he's still confidently, arrogantly staring down at him as if nothing can stop him, 'cause he's The Duck Of Earl and not any sort of gent-teal like eider first thought.

Rapaire ponders his fate and how he can make a large uncharitable attacks de-duck-shun in time to still be on this calandar year. "What, the flock?", he thinks. "It's getting near time to get down and get funky."

The other ducks seem to have fowler deeds on their minds and are preparing out the king-sized spread for a Rap rewrap and ducknap. One of the birds is either looking like the messenger of death (or is merely a Hooded Merganser) carrying a garden implement of some sort.

"Is that some sort of Quack Hoe, perchance?", asks Severn. "So, tell us, Rapaire, just what is your history with this collection feathered fiends and how did you initially come to ruffle their feathers?".....

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Winter Holiday Tavern 2008
From: Severn
Date: 31 Dec 08 - 09:32 PM

Are Geoff and Jane in the house? They speak their lingo and maybe can form a quack negotiating team to make some sort of human-avian peace tweety.....

Or does the wily and resourceful Rapaire have ideas of his own?......



.....Meanwhile, one of the ducks is up on the stand with the band trying to walk like Chuck Berry and the cuspidor continues to fly about the room on the cusp of a New Year.....


Waddle happen next?.....

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Winter Holiday Tavern 2008
From: Rapparee
Date: 31 Dec 08 - 10:40 PM

Ha! And he pulls from his pocket that which ducks all fear and loathe: a bill!

Yes! In addition to rapier, dagger, boot knife, brace of pistols, mortuary sword, seax, Greek fire, and halberd, he has a full-sized bill, the hook glistening in the firelight!

"Knew this would come in handy," he says struggling to his feet. "That's why I never paid it."

Meanwhile, the ducks' courage has quacked and muttering to each other about being chicken they gather in a corner and begin hitting each other with a large mallard.

"Cowardly canards," Rapaire thinks as he helps himself to large glass of good rum.

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Winter Holiday Tavern 2008
From: Stilly River Sage
Date: 31 Dec 08 - 11:30 PM

A tentacle shoots out from behind the bar, slaps the chaldron into the fireplace and it's handle lodges on the pot hook. Soon the smell of sugary molasses begings to permeate the room.

Darn. I hoped the ducks were going to really mess hiim up. Not hurt him or anything, but one does wonder what a duck could do under real provocation.

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Winter Holiday Tavern 2008
From: Severn
Date: 01 Jan 09 - 07:59 AM

To explain the slightly delayed effects of Rapaire's actions, the bill was in the male......




Rapaire,

As fine a piece of billsmanship as I've ever had the pleasure of witnessing. Squid! A beak-er of whatever he's drinking for him on my tab, if you please!

So, once again, as they seemed to know you and came straight for you, how did you initially come to ruffle their collective feathers? C'mon, give us the low-down!


Stilly,

At a pond near my late mother-in-law's summer cabin in the Virginia mountains, one of my stepdaughters was bending forward and feeding one of a pair of rather belligerent ducks that lived there, one jumped up and bit her tongue. We used to kid her later, saying,"What's the matter, Mandy? Duck got your tongue?". So they CAN be as nasty as shopping mall Canada Geese, if they've a mind to be....

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Winter Holiday Tavern 2008
From: Rapparee
Date: 01 Jan 09 - 11:36 AM

Okay, okay, I helped raise their mother from her youth. I was a real mother ducker back in those days.

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Winter Holiday Tavern 2008
From: Severn
Date: 01 Jan 09 - 03:35 PM

And they imprinted on you, like Konrad Lorenz and his Graylag Geese?

Anyway, the band just sprung up with "Be Kind To Your Web-Footed Friends" in your honor....

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Winter Holiday Tavern 2008
From: Rapparee
Date: 01 Jan 09 - 04:01 PM

I've always been partial to that one and "Big Blue Frog." Perhaps it's because of the webbing between my own toes.

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Winter Holiday Tavern 2008
From: Rapparee
Date: 01 Jan 09 - 05:30 PM

Meanwhile, the contents of the cuspidor have rotted holes in the bottom and it has started to drip....

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Winter Holiday Tavern 2008
From: Stilly River Sage
Date: 01 Jan 09 - 09:16 PM

This is where the fireworks come in, I think. See those hotspots shooting up the chimney? What do you want to bet that they look real pretty from outside?

The room empties as everyone races outside in childlike glee to watch the chimney emit sparks like a Roman candle on steroids.

Sage walks over to the spigot, cranks it on and pulls the end of the water hose, with it's nozzle closed, to a handy spot in case the roof catches fire.

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Winter Holiday Tavern 2008
From: lady penelope
Date: 02 Jan 09 - 04:50 AM

It's bloody cold out there, I think I'll stay indoors and keep tinkering with me bicycle....

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Winter Holiday Tavern 2008
From: Rapparee
Date: 02 Jan 09 - 09:33 AM

Danged right! I think I'll stay inside and keep tinkling with my...wait, that's not coming out right...I mean....

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Winter Holiday Tavern 2008
From: Liz the Squeak
Date: 02 Jan 09 - 12:19 PM

I'm baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa-aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaack!

There's an angry duck out here... I asked him what was wrong... seems he went into the gents and asked someone to reach him down a little Trojan something from the machine on the wall... the guy who was in there, knowing Bert's card covers all, asked if the duck wanted it put on his bill.   Now the duck is stomping up and down insisting he's not a pervert.

Now get this mess cleared up and lets hear no more about mole asses!

LTS

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Winter Holiday Tavern 2008
From: Rapparee
Date: 02 Jan 09 - 12:35 PM

Hey, who do you think you are? Liz the Squeak?

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Winter Holiday Tavern 2008
From: Stilly River Sage
Date: 02 Jan 09 - 05:00 PM

Wouldn't that be mole arses?

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Winter Holiday Tavern 2008
From: Rapparee
Date: 02 Jan 09 - 05:28 PM

And he takes out his trumpet and sings:

MOLASSES
Words and Music by Tom Rowe

African Man cuts the sugar cane,
Oh Molasses
He works in the sun, he works in the rain.
Oh molasses rhum
Then he loads it up on a wooden ship,
Sends it off on a northern trip.
Oh molasses, oh molasses rhum.

        Oh molasses, Ole New England tea.
        You killed my Grampa, killed my Pa.
        And you sure as hell are a killin' me.
        Oh molasses, oh molasses rhum.

When they fought the war for the Colonies;
They fought it over New England tea.
Old King George put a tax on it,
The Colonies nearly took a fit.

In the time of the nineteen-seventeen war;
Molasses sitting on the Boston shore.
When they pumped it in it was twelve degrees,
A long cold night in a Boston freeze.

In the morning it was forty-two
Molasses vat split clean in two.
Two million gallons covered the bay
Twenty-six people drowned in the flood that day.

Grampa, he died cuttin' cane.
Pa went down in the great brown rain.
But I won't go in a pool of blood,
I won't drown in a blackstrap flood;
But still I'll go down to molasses, Oh molasses rhum.

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Winter Holiday Tavern 2008
From: Stilly River Sage
Date: 02 Jan 09 - 06:30 PM

One last fizzle and sputter from the pot in the fireplace as the fuel spends it's last energy to pop up the fireplace and spell out


100!