BS: Parenting Questions

Subject: RE: BS: Parenting Questions
From: JulieF
Date: 01 Jun 01 - 06:47 AM

I only have a 16 year old girl - so I think I've probably got it easy. Seems a bit of an emotional rollacoaster at the moment - and that's just me. You know - is she too close to the boyfriend, is she doing her revision, is she doing too much revision, is she relaxed about the exams, is she really worried and just not telling me, is she eating too little, is she eating too much and so on.

Then every now and then we get rays of sunshine when she seems really happy, we joke as a family and talk intelligently and I think now I have a young woman.

As for thrash metal - I think it's largely series of power cords played repetively. It has to be played loudly as you need to feel it with your body - not necessarily hear it. Tim took Cat and her boyfriend down to a large concert last Saturday. She says that she will never go to a concert with her father again. Why? because he got badly sunburnt and she had to look after him!!!

Back to teenage boys. I remember when I went to university I had little brothers when I came back they were both over 6 foot so beware of the growth spurts. At the time my mother had to hide food in places such as the washing machine to have any chance of having some left at the end of the week.

All the best Morticia

Julie

Subject: RE: BS: Parenting Questions
From: GUEST,Dancing Mom
Date: 01 Jun 01 - 08:21 AM

Wow, Morticia, you all are going through some tremendous life changes. This child WILL go through a grief process. So many good things posted here. I came in late, so I can only recap some of the things I've observed as a mom of four. I've seen two generations of teens (mine and my kids') opening refridgerator doors and peering in to check out the contents, many times just after eating. I don't think it always has to do with hunger, but it's a habit, sometimes done out of boredom. Regarding food, they NEVER get tired of pizza. If YOU are tired of it, however, they respond well to tacos (popular in the U.S.), submarine sandwiches, pancakes, or other breakfast foods served at the evening meal. I have found they will eat fresh fruits they can eat "on the go". My lovely 17-year -old daughter eats like a lumberjack. I'm afraid it will catch up with her , however, when she gets older. Great ideas mentioned earlier: let him use his own money for pizza purchases, and/or involve him and his buddies in the making of the homemade pizza. Teach them how to make it, plan the purchase of the ingredients, etc. Our house tends to be the neighborhood "hangout" for kids of all ages.Last weekend we chaperoned a party for the 17-year-old, her boyfriend and twenty of their friends. Some of the friends have formed a band and have played a few gigs at birthday parties and such. They only ask to be fed, and we paid them with as much PIZZA and soda as they could eat. As far as the hygiene issue goes, his peers will let him know if it is not up to par, and he'll listen to them if not you. Certainly you have to decide what works best for your family, but the most effective things I've learned are: choose your battles carefully, use lots of humor, and let him know that you love him unconditionally. Good luck and Godspeed. Sharon

Subject: RE: BS: Parenting Questions
From: Hollowfox
Date: 01 Jun 01 - 09:52 AM

Don't worry about the growth spurts, you ccan still "loom" over him as required. I'm 5'4", my 16 year old is 6'1" and rising. I just remember that the bantam chickens are the feistiest ones in the barnyard.*g*

Subject: RE: BS: Parenting Questions
From: jeffp
Date: 01 Jun 01 - 11:17 AM

A lot of good advice here. Of course, what works for one family won't necessarily work for another. For that matter, what worked yesterday won't necessarily work today. It might work tomorrow, though. Who knows? The most important thing I can add at this point is: DON'T GIVE UP!!!!!!!!! You can be absolutely amazed at what sinks in without you or your teen realizing it at the time. All of a sudden, and it may take years to happen, you will hear your words coming from your child's mouth. Try not to fall over in a dead faint. Then you will know that the aliens have returned your child, whom they abducted somewhere around puberty and replaced with a monster. LOL!!

Seriously, though, sometimes the best thing you can do is simply help them survive as they make their own mistakes. I read once that people will make a certain number of mistakes in their lives. If they are not permitted to do it when they have parents and other support systems to help them recover, they will do it when the consequences are much greater and survival is less likely. Hang in there and try not to despair.

jeffp

Subject: RE: BS: Parenting Questions
From: Jim Dixon
Date: 01 Jun 01 - 11:18 AM

I'd like to second Amos' comments about producing something valuable. My kid surprised me by bringing home some excellent stuff he had made in shop class at school. They included a lamp with a base made from what appears to be wrought iron. My admiration was genuine. I cringe at the thought of a 13-year-old kid using a welding torch, but apparently he did that with no ill effects. I have never used one myself.

Sometimes I think my kid has turned out - or is turning out - much better than I had any right to expect, given my own lack of parenting skills.

Subject: RE: BS: Parenting Questions
From: wysiwyg
Date: 02 Jun 01 - 11:08 AM

NUMBER ONE RULE FOR THIS GENDER AND AGE-- Feed the beast, feed the beast, feed the beast. Hardi and I each had one and then blended them. (Plus a younger girl, her own kind of handful.) We lived, because we fed them-- and sometimes that is all they know!

They were actually listening to us too, despite this assurance from one: "I pray for your death on a nightly basis!"

What they all said, as soon as they had survived their own puberty in this insane society, was that what mattered the most was that we were always ourselves with them, no matter what the subject, the feelings, the opinions, the behavior. What they counted on us for, it turned out, was that we be SOLIDLY REAL as everything else within and around them careened madly in and out if the surreal.

For your own sense of reality, to know what kids really believe and will commit themselves to, look to the way they treat their friends. If you see good things there, relax. It all will come out fine. If you don't, then you need to intervene while they still have your roof as protection from the harsher aspects of life. And do that definitively-- time is short.

See me for more if you like. We really, REALLY been there.

Hugs--

~Susan

Subject: RE: BS: Parenting Questions
From: CamiSu
Date: 02 Jun 01 - 02:32 PM

Wow, Morty! Are you in for an adventure!

My own are 22, 21, and 9, and my borrowed one is 17, but he is different. And how.

It sounds like you have all the tools. Mostly use your intuition. Some of them are verbal and some, like my eldest, are intensly private. But the fact that you love him, and will, no matter what, is most important!

As several have said, his friends coming over is significant. We used to host Jessica's parties-for-the-masses and had 3 hard and fast rules. No drinking, no drugs, no sex. (We are a non-drinking household, so the rules still hold, and the kids appreciate it because the question is answered without any internal struggle. (As Jessica said last year about her cast party, I don't want to have to deal with X getting drunk, so the party is here.) We always had massive quantities of pasta around, but make-your-own-pizza works well, too. Make the crust ahead of time and set the kids loose with the toppings.

I almost envy you. It's a wonderful adventure. (But then, I have another boy to go through.)

CamiSu