BS: Stupid things said to you at work

Subject: RE: BS: Stupid things said to you at work
From: Kim C
Date: 26 Apr 02 - 10:39 AM

(sound of phone ringing)

Me: "Baskin-Robbins, may I help you?"

Them: "What time do you close?"

Me: "10:00."

Them: "What time is it now?"

Me: "10:20."

Them: "So are you closed?"

Subject: RE: BS: Stupid things said to you at work
From: GUEST,Crazy Eddie
Date: 26 Apr 02 - 10:56 AM

So, it's Dave (the hopping) Gnome then?
I was in an "Irish Bar" in Amsterdam last week. A customer asked for a pint of 'Kilkenny' and a pint of 'White Beer'. He paid for his drinks, picked them up, turned from the counter, turned back, and asked the barman; "which one is the 'White Beer'?
Instant reply..."Not brown one!"
BTW, the customer wasn't Irish, but the barman was!

'Kilkenny' is dark brown, and 'White Beer' is near-as-dammit white

Subject: RE: BS: Stupid things said to you at work
From: Fibula Mattock
Date: 26 Apr 02 - 11:47 AM

My mother, a librarian, says she had a schoolgirl come in and ask for a book about "Hugh".
"Hugh who?" asks my mother. (Yes, this could get complicated.)
"Hugh" says the girl. "We're learning about him in school and I have to do a project on him."
My mother suggests a number of Hughs (and I'm impressed she could even do that - I can't think of any offhand) but is quite stumped. Her fellow librarians join in, but no one can work out who the girl means. My mother prompts a bit more, and finally the girl says "He killed the dog".
Something clicks in my mother's brain and she starts laughing. "Hugh" is actually "Cú Chulainn", heroic warrior of Irish mythology...

Subject: RE: BS: Stupid things said to you at work
From: Bill D
Date: 26 Apr 02 - 01:17 PM

*sigh*...it's too bad ignorance doesn't itch...

Subject: RE: BS: Stupid things said to you at work
From: catspaw49
Date: 26 Apr 02 - 01:25 PM

Bill, if ignorance itched, I couldn't afford the cortizone for myself!

Spaw

Subject: RE: BS: Stupid things said to you at work
From: Amergin
Date: 26 Apr 02 - 02:04 PM

well...not sure if it amounts to the same...but there have been a few calls I have gotten where the customer could not connect to the interent...for several days...they have been back and forth with several techs in various departments...and to their computer manufacturer....and always came back to us (tier 2 support)...I hardcoded the dns servers and bam...they were up in five minutes...of course they thought I was akin to God....i hate to say it...but I agree...

Subject: RE: BS: Stupid things said to you at work
From: Jim Dixon
Date: 26 Apr 02 - 03:02 PM

I once worked for a company that had its own cafeteria for employees. It was quite busy around noon, so the cashier had worked out a system to make the line go faster. She not only memorized the prices of all the items, but she also knew the total of every likely combination of items. So when you got to the front of the line, she'd look at your tray and immediately know the total, then she'd ring up only the total on the cash register, not the separate items. It did work very efficiently that way.

But inflation eventually took its toll, and one day the cafeteria raised all its prices, after keeping them the same for a long time. Suddenly the line became EXCRUCIATINGLY slow. When I got to the front of the line, I saw what the problem was. The cashier looked at my tray ... and stared ... and stared ... until she figured out IN HER HEAD what the total was, and then rang it up. She had apparently forgotten that the cash register could also be used as an adding machine!

Subject: RE: BS: Stupid things said to you at work
From: Don Firth
Date: 26 Apr 02 - 05:12 PM

A friend of mine taught (among other things) a class in theater set design at Cal State Long Beach. One of his students, a congenital screw-up, failed to turn in most of the projects, and those he did turn in, although fairly well-drawn, failed to meet the requirements of the play in question. Much outside coaching and many warnings just didn't get through to the guy, so my friend gave him a failing grade.

The guy came to my friend's office most unhappy with his grade and feeling that he had been unfairly dealt with. Once again, my friend detailed the many times he hadn't turned in assignments, and pointed out where those he had turned in just weren't up to snuff.

"But I still don't see why you gave me an F," said the student. "I think I what did turn in was quality D work!"

Don Firth

Subject: RE: BS: Stupid things said to you at work
From: Jim Dixon
Date: 26 Apr 02 - 06:04 PM

I used to work in the bulk mailing business. We used Kirk-Rudy machines to apply address labels to mailing pieces (envelopes, catalogs, and flyers of various kinds). Kirk-Rudy is the name of the company that manufactures the machines. We put an ad in the paper to hire a new machine operator, and we specified "must be experienced." We even mentioned the name of the machine, hoping to find someone who had experience with the exact kind of machine we used.

One day a would-be applicant called and asked, "Can I speak to Kirk Rudy?"

Subject: RE: BS: Stupid things said to you at work
From: Bert
Date: 26 Apr 02 - 07:47 PM

We wenty into a fancy grocery store in North Alabama at the chees counter we asked the girl "Do you have any imported Romano?"

She says "That's imported" pointing to some cheese in the display.

I say "But it says here 'Made in USA'"

She replies, "Well we get it from Atlanta!"

Subject: RE: BS: Stupid things said to you at work
From: Jim Dixon
Date: 26 Apr 02 - 07:58 PM

At a restaurant once I noticed that they had 2 prices listed for beer, one for domestic and one for imported. I ordered one made by a local "craft" brewery. Then I noticed that they charged me the "imported" price. I said, "Hey, that's a domestic beer." The clerk replied, "Yeah, well, we classify it as imported because it's expensive."

Subject: RE: BS: Stupid things said to you at work
From: CarolC
Date: 26 Apr 02 - 09:34 PM

This happened when I was a zookeeper...

We used rubber buckets a lot for carrying things like food for the animals and pretty much anything else we needed to carry. So the public was pretty used to seeing keepers feeding the animals from buckets.

One day, I was filling a drainage hole in the Collared Peccary (outdoor) enclosure with some rocks, which I carried in my bucket. There was a woman and a child standing at the railing, looking into the enclosure as I approached. As I was entering the enclosure, the woman said to the child, "Look, Jason, she's going to feed the animals." The child watched me as I poured the rocks from the bucket into the hole, and said, "Do they eat rocks?"

Subject: RE: BS: Stupid things said to you at work
From: Robin2
Date: 26 Apr 02 - 10:51 PM

A few St Pat's ago, one of our local TV types was making the rounds of the pubs to report on the goings on for the 5 o'clock news. They cornered a friend of mine, and announced to the listening audience "And here's someone from Ireland now...we just wanted everyone to hear your wonderful Irish accent! And where axactly are you from?"

My friend replied "Edinburgh"

And they came back with "What a wonderful Irish accent you have!"

Duh

Subject: RE: BS: Stupid things said to you at work
From: Tweed
Date: 27 Apr 02 - 01:04 AM

The place I've worked at for twenty-some years builds and rebuilds fuel systems for gas stations and industry. We had a site pretty well tore up, with the tanks pulled out of the ground, concrete piled everywhere and had just loaded the old pumps on a trailer to take back to the shop when a man and woman wormed their car through a maze of flasher barricades, stacks of fuming dirt, backhoes and air compressors to pull alongside the trailer.
"Are these pumps working?" said the driver.
"No! They're not even hooked up to nothin'. What the hell's wrong with you?" says we.
"O..." sez he."Just check the tires then."
'Course this was in Florida during tourist season and to be expected....

Subject: RE: BS: Stupid things said to you at work
From: gnu
Date: 27 Apr 02 - 07:41 AM

In the local yellow pages, under "Building Inspections - Residential", to the right of my company logo, it reads "Home and Commercial Property Inspections" in bold print. Under my logo, the first line in the list of services offered reads the same. I answer the phone with almost the same thing. Yup, you guessed it, but what amazes me is that well over half of the calls start that way.

Subject: RE: BS: Stupid things said to you at work
From: DMcG
Date: 28 Apr 02 - 04:24 AM

Here's one from the customer's side: everyone I know who phones to have a pizza delivered starts the phonecall with "I'd like to order a delivery".

Why else are they ringing? But what else can you use as an opening line without going straight into "I'd like a large pepperoni ...." etc?

Subject: RE: BS: Stupid things said to you at work
From: Mooh
Date: 28 Apr 02 - 06:23 AM

About a year ago, while registering a new guitar student, the parent said they'd bought their lefthanded kid a righthanded guitar because the guy in the music shop said lefthanded guitars are very rare (ie, he didn't have any in stock), and lefthanded guitar strings had to be special ordered. Lefthanded guitar strings?

Another time I was informed by the parent of a student not to teach the kid any rock music as the family didn't believe it was Christian. Not a problem, but when they suggested even "Rock Of Ages" wasn't appropriate because it had THAT word (rock)in it, I thought them quite misguided. Not wanting to rock the boat, I let it be.

Peace, Mooh.

Subject: RE: BS: Stupid things said to you at work
From: brother
Date: 28 Apr 02 - 06:25 AM

The great work sayings are from that unsung group of heroes,the purveyors of vast quantities of gibberspeak,the people whose every new initiative or "vision" signals the end of another rain forest. They are the human resource departments .Is there a human resource shanty? My favourites are "people are our most important asset".... means we're halving the labour force. "we are going to concentrate on our core business" ... means "we're halving the labour force" "In the long term they will make us more competitive"... means "we are halving the labour force" "We are to become global players in an increasingly global world" Means we are going out of business within a year"

Subject: RE: BS: Stupid things said to you at work
From: Troll
Date: 29 Apr 02 - 12:13 AM

I spent many years as a window clerk in the main Post Office in our town and I ran across some doozies over the years. One of my favorites used to happen regularly before we were authorized to accept credit cards.
Customer; "Hi. Do you take Visa?"
Me; "No sir. We're not set up to accept credit cards."
Customer; "Oh. How about Mastercard (Discovery, Diners Club, Carte Blanche, etc)?

troll

Subject: RE: BS: Stupid things said to you at work
From: Sarah the flute
Date: 29 Apr 02 - 03:39 AM

Brilliant stories!

Working in a posh school library we frequently have parental tours. The comments often go along the lines of...

Do you work on a voluntary basis?

What a lot of books

What a nice place to work (.... for a woman!)

I expect you have a lot of time to read

For the staff we act as a more approachable first point of contact if their computers go wrong as they are too scared to go straight to the IT men in case they say something stupid. The classic was when one of them was berating IT because they had not taken his computer to be mended. Closer inspection showed that he only had a key board and monitor on the desk and the magic box was indeed being mended by IT.

Curiously we seldom get stupid questions from the kids! Education must be working somehow!

Subject: RE: BS: Stupid things said to you at work
From: alison
Date: 29 Apr 02 - 04:28 AM

from a 30 year old fella about to go for a circumcision....

"do you think this will hurt?"

slainte

alison

Subject: RE: BS: Stupid things said to you at work
From: GUEST,micca at work
Date: 29 Apr 02 - 05:14 AM

Apart from the obvious , memorable, Biology teacher with a lighted taper in his hand saying "Is this ether Flammable?" as it set light to his sleeve!!!
I am not sure these qualify as "said" but they are in this weeks staff Buletin at the College where I work here in the UK
" Senior Tutors will conduct NRA moderation" ( I think ) I hope) it means something different than in the USA)
" Youth Offending Team" ( I can think of a few I would like to offend)
"Potential members must be over 18 years old and have an interest in young people ( mmmmm, not sure about this either, after the recent fuss we have had about "interests in young people" in the Catholic Church etc)

Subject: RE: BS: Stupid things said to you at work
From: GUEST,Wombat
Date: 29 Apr 02 - 09:26 AM

My very stupidest thing, as an eager young receptionist at the Family Planning Clinic, was to answer the phone to someone enquiring about vasectomies. What I meant to say was that they had to make and appointment to come in and discuss this with the Doctor. What I actually said was "I'm sorry, we don't do them over the telephone".

Oops. I have to say I am blonde now, but I wasn't then.

Subject: RE: BS: Stupid things said to you at work
From: GUEST,Pete
Date: 29 Apr 02 - 11:28 AM

While waiting for a lock to fill on a canal holiday in the Midlands I heard an onlooker speaking to the occupant of the adjacent boat. "I can see how the water fills the lock and raises the boat so you come out at a higher level, but where does all the water come from?" A fair question, I thought. The guy on the other boat thought awhile then replied "Well, boats go the other way as well you know" and bring the water uphill with them presumeably

Subject: RE: BS: Stupid things said to you at work
From: Jim Dixon
Date: 29 Apr 02 - 12:28 PM

My boss's car was broken into while his car sat on our company parking lot. The thief stole his leather jacket, which he had left in the back seat. The police came and made a report, and then went away. It wasn't until an hour or so later that my boss realized his cell phone was missing, too, and it must have been in the pocket of the jacket. He promptly dialed the number of the cell phone. Somebody answered. My boss said, "You son of a bitch! You stole my jacket!"

The guy on the phone protested that he didn't steal anything. He had just "bought" the cell phone from somebody else. My boss said, "I need that phone back. It's got all my business numbers programmed into it." The guy offered to sell the phone back to my boss for $50. My boss said, "I don't have $50 with me right now. I'll have to call you back."

My boss called the police again. They asked if he would come down to the station. So later that day, my boss called the thief again, this time from the police station, with officers listening in and recording the call. He made an appointment to meet the guy on the street that evening and get his phone back.

At the appointed time, a plain-clothes officer went to impersonate my boss and keep the appointment. My boss sat in an unmarked police car a half-block away and watched the whole thing. When the officer held out the $50 bill, the guy snatched it out of his hand and ran away, thereby adding to his list of crimes and providing ample "probable cause" in front of witnesses. The officer ran after him, tackled him, and completed the arrest. They soon identified the "perp" who already had a long rap sheet.

A few days later, my boss realized that he could call the phone company and get a list of all the calls that had been made to and from the cell phone while the thief had it in his possession. There were several. So he again called the officer who had handled the case and asked if he would like to have the list. The officer said, "Sure!" So my boss gave it to him. I never heard the outcome of that part of the investigation, but I like to think the police had a grand time identifying other crooks with whom the crook in question did business.

Subject: RE: BS: Stupid things said to you at work
From: Tyghress
Date: 29 Apr 02 - 02:09 PM

Anyone who has ever worked in Tech Support has some real beauts to tell, I'm sure.

My best one...a client called and the receptionist processed the call normally, and put the client into a queue for help. The client didn't object and waited for about 5 minutes before I picked up the line.

Client: My PC is smoking. What should I do?

Me (astonished) : Unplug it. NOW.

Client: But won't I lose all my work?

Me : UNPLUG IT! NOW!

Client: I'm pressing 'save' but it isn't doing anything? What should I do?

Me (pounding head on desk): UNPLUG IT.