BS: Fourth Joke Thread for 2005

Subject: RE: BS: Fourth Joke Thread for 2005
From: Roger the Skiffler
Date: 24 Nov 05 - 09:45 AM

One for our Antipodean colleagues, stolen from today's newspaper:

Australian family at the zoo. One lion licks another lion's behind.
Child asks inevitably: "Daddy what is that lion doing?"
Father replies: "He's just eaten a Pom and he's trying to get the taste out of his mouth."

RtS
(Pommy B*****d)

Subject: RE: BS: Fourth Joke Thread for 2005
From: Bunnahabhain
Date: 24 Nov 05 - 09:55 AM

Australian jokes are just too easy...

Q: What is the difference between an Australian wedding and an Australian funeral?
A: One less drunk at the funeral



An English tourist visiting the Outback of Australia notices a farmer goin' at it with a sheep in a nearby field. The English guy taken aback by this, so he climbs the fence and walks over to the farmer. He taps him on the shoulder and says, "You know mate, back home, we shear those!"
The Aussie farmer looks frantically around and says, "I'm not bloody SHARING with anyone!"

Subject: RE: BS: Fourth Joke Thread for 2005
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 10 Dec 05 - 06:42 AM

Oh AUSTRALIA...
(well actually it probably applies in many 1st world countries now too)

OH, so true.

Joe Smith started the day early having set his alarm clock (MADE IN JAPAN) for 6am. While his coffeepot (MADE IN CHINA) was perking, he shaved with his electric razor (MADE IN HONG KONG). He put on a dress shirt (MADE IN SRI LANKA), designer jeans (MADE IN SINGAPORE) and tennis shoes (MADE IN KOREA).

After cooking his breakfast in his new electric skillet (MADE IN INDIA) he sat down with his calculator (MADE IN MEXICO) to see how much he could spend today. After setting his watch (MADE IN TAIWAN) to the radio (MADE IN MALAYSIA) he got in his car (MADE IN GERMANY) and continued his search for a good paying AUSTRALIAN JOB. At the end of yet another discouraging and fruitless day, Joe decided to relax for a while. He put on his sandals (MADE IN BRAZIL) poured himself a glass of wine (MADE IN FRANCE) and turned on his TV (MADE IN INDONESIA), and then wondered why he can't find a good paying job in AUSTRALIA

Keep this circulating.

Subject: RE: BS: Fourth Joke Thread for 2005
From: Folkiedave
Date: 10 Dec 05 - 07:02 AM

Old Australian (and racist) joke...

How do you know when a plane load of English immigrants has landed?

When the pilot switches the engines off - it carries on whining.

Dave

Subject: RE: BS: Fourth Joke Thread for 2005
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 10 Dec 05 - 07:08 AM

Unfortunately, not all whingers in Australia are Pohms...

Subject: RE: BS: Fourth Joke Thread for 2005
From: Les in Chorlton
Date: 10 Dec 05 - 01:23 PM

Why are Irish jokes so simple?

So that the English can understand them.

Subject: RE: BS: Fourth Joke Thread for 2005
From: autolycus
Date: 11 Dec 05 - 12:34 PM

Did you hear about the Australian lad who was given a new boomarang for his birthday?

He spent the next 20 years trying to get rid of the old one.






We are in a Southern State, where there has been a drought. A local minister does something about it.
One Sunday, in church, he thus:
"Lord, we is prayin' to you"
Cong. Ohhhh,yes.
We is an agricultural country, as you know.
Cong. Ohhhh,yes.
And we aint seen no rain fer months,Lord.
Cong Ohhhh,yes.
So Lord, we is prayin' to you fer rain.
Cong. Ohhhh,yes.

The congregation disperse.
Monday, still a drought.
Tuesday,still nothing.
Wednesday, it starts to rain.
By Thursday, it's raining hard.
On Friday, it's falling down.
Come Saturday,it's frightening.
The congragation manage to get to church by boat.

The minister speaks.
Lord, we is a poor farming community.
Cong. Ohhhh yes
And we were suffering a drought, so we prayed lass week for rain. And Lord you sent us rain.






But this is RI----------DICULOUS !!!

Subject: RE: BS: Fourth Joke Thread for 2005
From: JennyO
Date: 12 Dec 05 - 07:55 AM

He spent the next 20 years trying to get rid of the old one.

That just has to lead on to a Les Barker's poem:

I Don't Like My Boomerang

I don't like my boomerang.
I know what you're going to say:
If you hate your boomerang so much
Why don't you throw it away?
That's all very well in theory.
It may seem that simple to you.
Why don't you throw your boomerang away?
'Cos I threw it away yesterday too.

There are times when life is not easy.
There are days when the future looks black.
There are days when you throw your boomerang away.
There are days when your boomerang comes back.

I believe in predestination;
My boomerang's future is clear.
On the days that I throw my boomerang away
It's predestination's back here.
There are times it gets me down;
Perhaps I shouldn't let it.
What I can't understand is this:
How did I ever get it?

Sometimes, when in the front garden
I throw it, then hurry in doors.
Within half an hour, there's a ring on the bell
And a little boy says: "Is this yours?"
Once I got really angry.
I taped some dynamite to it,
And without really thinking things through,
I lit the fuse and I threw it.

With hindsight, this was an error.
We learn lessons from life; I was taught it
Is better to think before throwing your boomerang.
Never think after you've caught it.
I've resorted to desperate measures;
Sometimes when I throw the stick,
I try to move house before it comes back
But you can't get a mortgage that quick.

I had a Jack Russell terrier once;
I used to call him Jack.
I used to throw my boomerang for him.
The stick used to bring the dog back.
I've seen the sticker in car windows;
It gets me right here, like a knife:
A boomerang's not just for Christmas;
A boomerang is for life.

Recorded by Les Barker on 'Up the creek without a poodle'
(Mrs Ackroyd Records DOG 012)

Subject: RE: BS: Fourth Joke Thread for 2005
From: Bunnahabhain
Date: 12 Dec 05 - 12:21 PM

A group of keyboards have started a letter writing campaign to ban the reading of Les Barker poems.

The Computer-Human Interface Devices Union, CHIDU, claim this habit leads daily to their members being assulted with hot tea and coffee, often requiring major surgery, a long period in therapy with a highly skilled computer fixer, and a full range of the expensive 'Will you work you stupid thing!!!' curses, if they are to ever work again.

Strikes have been promised if action is not taken, with widespread disrupti9n, wiTH FLYING PICKets by the caps-lock , the letter betwen 'n' and 'p' 9n hunger strike, and9nedayacti9nsbythespace bar.

Subject: RE: BS: Fourth Joke Thread for 2005
From: autolycus
Date: 12 Dec 05 - 06:05 PM

Thanks,JennyO.
2 questions.
How do you come across such a record in the first place?Radio?Friend?Record looked intersesting?Read a review?Where?

Is such a record easy/possible to get hold of?



Another joke.

Two elderly gentlemen, strangers, sit on a park bench for some hours in silence.
Suddenly, one sighs,"Oh dear,oh dear,oh dear," at which point the other jumps to his feet saying,"If you're going to talk politics, I'm off !"

and a little bit from my favourite comedy LP.

"I come from a family of 14 children,




and it was all because my mother was hard of hearing.


I'll be glad to explain,






long as I'm not busy.





You see, every night, when it qwas time to retire, my father would say to my mother,"Do you want to go to sleep or what?", and she'd say,"What?".

Later in the act, he says,"I come from a tough neighbourhood, where we played hopscotch .............with real scotch; cops and robbers..........with real cops;and broadjumping........






with real jumps, a tough neighbourhood."

Subject: RE: BS: Fourth Joke Thread for 2005
From: JennyO
Date: 13 Dec 05 - 07:51 AM

Autolycus, if you follow this link to Les Barker's website, you will find a lot about the man, and his many books, CD's and videos, and how you can order them.

Even better would be to actually see him perform (an unforgettable experience, to be sure), and buy something there. I had the pleasure of hosting him at my folk club last April. He is incredibly funny, totally natural and with an air of innocence about him that is really charming. We took him to dinner afterwards, which allowed us to spend more time in his company. I wish it could have been longer - he is a real sweetie!

Jenny

Subject: RE: BS: Fourth Joke Thread for 2005
From: Wesley S
Date: 13 Dec 05 - 05:06 PM

A man enters a bar and orders a drink. The bar has a robot bartender.

The robot serves him a perfectly prepared cocktail, and then asks him, "What's your IQ?" The man replies "150" and the robot proceeds to make conversation about global warming factors, quantum physics and spirituality, biomimicry, environmental interconnectedness, string theory, nano-technology, and sexual proclivities.

The customer is very impressed and thinks, "This is really cool." He decides to test the robot. He walks out of the bar, turns around, and comes back in for another drink. Again, the robot serves him the perfectly prepared drink and asks him, "What's your IQ?" The man responds, "about a 100."

Immediately the robot starts talking, but this time, about football, NASCAR, baseball, supermodels, favorite fast foods, guns, and women's breasts. Really impressed, the man leaves the bar and decides to give the robot one more test. He heads out and returns, the robot serves him and asks, "What's your IQ?"

The man replies, "Er, 50, I think."


And the robot says... real slowly...

"So............... ya gonna vote for Bush again?"

Subject: RE: BS: Fourth Joke Thread for 2005
From: wlisk
Date: 14 Dec 05 - 11:04 AM

A man walks to 5th Ave. & 42nd St. in New York City during a downpour and somehow manages to get a taxi immediately. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Sheldon."


"Who?"


"Sheldon Cohen. There's a guy who did everything right. Like my cab being vacant during a rainstorm. It would have happened like that for Sheldon every single time."


"Well, no one is perfect. There are always a few clouds over everybody", stated the passenger.


"Not Sheldon," said the cabbie. "He was a terrific athlete. He could have gone on the pro tour in tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star. Handsome and sophisticated, more than Cary Grant. He had a better body than Arnold in his prime. He was something!
"Somehow Sheldon just knew exactly how to make women happy," the cabbie continued. "He had a memory like a computer. Could remember everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which fork to eat with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole neighborhood blacks out."


"Wow, incredible , no wonder you remember him!" said the passenger.


"Well, I never actually met Sheldon," admitted the cabbie.


"Then how do you know so much about him?" asked the passenger.


"After he died, I married his wife."

Subject: RE: BS: Fourth Joke Thread for 2005
From: John MacKenzie
Date: 14 Dec 05 - 12:44 PM

My heartfelt appreciation goes out to all of you who have taken the time
and trouble to send me "forwards" over the past 12 months. Thank you
for making me feel safe, secure, blessed, and wealthy.

Extra thanks to whoever sent me the one about rat crap in the glue on
envelopes cause I now have to go get a wet towel every time I need to
seal an envelope. I know it's true; why else did the Post Office change
to self-stick stamps?

Also, I scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason. Because
of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet
stains. I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr Pepper since the people who make
these products are atheists who refuse to put "Under God" on their cans.


I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.
I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be
pricked with a needle infected with AIDS. I no longer use cancer-causing
deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone might drug me with a
perfume sample and rob me. I no longer receive packages from, nor send
packages by, UPS or FedEx since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a
number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda,
Singapore, and Uzbekistan. I no longer eat KFC because their "chickens"
are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.

I no longer have any sneakers -- but that will change once I receive my
free replacement pair from Nike. I no longer have to buy expensive
cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe.

I no longer worry about my soul because at last count I have 363,214
angels looking out for me. Thanks to you, I have learned that God only
answers my prayers if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and
make a wish within five minutes.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl who is
about to die in the hospital (for the 1,387th time). I no longer have
any money at all - but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that
Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special
e-mail program.

Yes, I want to thank you so much for looking out for me that I will now
return the favor!

    WARNING: If you don't send this e-mail to at least
    144,000 people in the next 7minutes, a large pigeon
    with a wicked case of diarrhea will land on your head
    at 5:00 PM tomorrow afternoon. I know this will occur
    because it actually happened to a friend of my next-
    door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's
    cousin's beautician's plumber.

Enjoy!!
G. ☺

Subject: RE: BS: Fourth Joke Thread for 2005
From: Wilfried Schaum
Date: 15 Dec 05 - 09:30 AM

Oh my God!

But nevertheless nice to hear from you again, Jock.

Subject: RE: BS: Fourth Joke Thread for 2005
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 15 Dec 05 - 12:42 PM

Did you hear the one about:-
The cannibal who passed his brother in the desert?
The cannibal who toasted his mother in law on her birthday?
The book about cannibals by Henrietta Mann?
The cannibal who went on a self catering holiday and ate his own leg?

Subject: RE: BS: Fourth Joke Thread for 2005
From: frogprince
Date: 15 Dec 05 - 12:56 PM

Or the cannibal who ate a priest, a rabbi, and a Methodist preacher, and started an ecumenical movement?

Subject: RE: BS: Fourth Joke Thread for 2005
From: autolycus
Date: 15 Dec 05 - 03:34 PM

Or the cannibal who ate his mother-in-law and she still didn't agree with him?

Subject: RE: BS: Fourth Joke Thread for 2005
From: Jim Dixon
Date: 15 Dec 05 - 03:37 PM

Or the cannibal who wouldn't eat a comedian because he tasted funny?

Subject: RE: BS: Fourth Joke Thread for 2005
From: Doug Chadwick
Date: 15 Dec 05 - 05:54 PM

Or the young cannibal who couldn't join in any games with the missionary's son because his mum had told him not to play with his food.


DC

Subject: RE: BS: Fourth Joke Thread for 2005
From: Splott Man
Date: 16 Dec 05 - 03:59 AM

Then there's the cannibal who played trumpet and formed a band with musoes who all liked exotic perfumes.

Cannibal & his jasmine.

(er...that joke only works in the UK)

Subject: RE: BS: Fourth Joke Thread for 2005
From: John MacKenzie
Date: 16 Dec 05 - 04:51 AM

I think you may be wrong about that pun working anywhere Splottie.
Giok ☺

Subject: RE: BS: Fourth Joke Thread for 2005
From: Wesley S
Date: 16 Dec 05 - 09:28 AM

President Bush and Rumsfeld are sitting in a bar.

A guy walks in and asks the barman, "Isn't that
Bush and Rumsfeld sitting over there?"

The bartender says, "Yep, that's them."

So the guy walks over and says, "Wow, this is a
real honor! . What are you guys doing in here?"

Bush says, "We're planning WW III."

And the guy says, "Really? What's going to happen?"

Bush says, "Well, we're going to kill 140 million
Muslims and one blonde with big tits."
The guy exclaimed, "A blonde with big tits? Why
kill a blonde with big tits?"

Bush turns to Rumsfeld and says, "See, I told you
no one CARES about the 140 million Muslims".

Subject: RE: BS: Fourth Joke Thread for 2005
From: freda underhill
Date: 17 Dec 05 - 07:13 AM

Top 11 reasons Dubya planned to bomb the al-Jazeera network

11. Wanted to send a message to CBS.

10. Ran out of anthrax.

9. Promised Rupert Murdock a lucrative, "no-bid" contract.

8. Al-Jazeera White House correspondent tried to ask a "follow-up" question.

7. It's only terrorism when it's done to us.

6. Attorney General advised that he couldn't torture the al-Jazeera staff.

5. Al-Jazeera website linked to a flash animation depicting Dubya as dim-witted.

4. "Philosophy of life" doesn't extend to journalists.

3. Thought he needed a diversion from the U.S. use of chemical weapons in Fallujah.

2. al-Jazeera ran colorized version of "It's a Wonderful Life."

1. Osama bin Laden wasn't there.

Subject: RE: BS: Fourth Joke Thread for 2005
From: Wilfried Schaum
Date: 20 Dec 05 - 11:27 AM

The doctor advises the young couple to limit their sexual activities to the days with an "R" only.
They endure for a while, but it is very hard for them ... until she asks: "Darling, isn't it Truesday tonight?"

(Runday, Mornday, Truesday, Rednesday)

Subject: RE: BS: Fourth Joke Thread for 2005
From: Wesley S
Date: 21 Dec 05 - 09:23 AM

Miss Annabell had just returned from her big trip to New York City and
was having refreshments on the front porch of her daddy's mansion with
her southern belle friends. She tells them the stories of her trip as
they stare spellbound. "You just wouldn't believe what they have there
in New York City," says Miss Annabell. "They have men there who kiss
other men on the lips."

Miss Annabell's friends fan themselves and say, "Oh my! Oh my!"

"They call them homosexuals," proclaims Miss Annabell.

"Oh my! Oh my," proclaim the girls as they fan themselves.

"They also have women there in New York City who kiss other women on the
lips!"

"Oh my! Oh my," exclaim the girls. "What do they call them?" they ask.

"They call them lesbians," says Miss Annabell.

"They also have men who kiss women between the legs, there in New York
City," sighs Miss Annabell.

"Oh my! Oh my! Oh my," exclaim the girls as the sit on the edge of their
chairs and fan themselves even faster. "What do they call them?" they
ask in unison.

Miss Annabell leans forward and says in a hush, "When I caught my
breath, I called him Precious."

Subject: RE: BS: Fourth Joke Thread for 2005
From: breezy
Date: 22 Dec 05 - 02:21 PM

Hi Chaps

have you heard this one? apologies if you have


yesterday 21st Dec., saw the 1st gay marriages/civil unions in the U K




In honour of the newly announced gaymarriages Ikea, -self assembley furniture store - are now selling lesbian beds



there's no screwing involved,



its all tongue and groove!



bye

Subject: RE: BS: Fourth Joke Thread for 2005
From: Jim Dixon
Date: 22 Dec 05 - 04:25 PM

Q: How many surrealists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?


A: Watermelon.

Subject: RE: BS: Fourth Joke Thread for 2005
From: GUEST,Wesley S
Date: 22 Dec 05 - 07:10 PM

And here I always thought the correct answer was bicycle.

Subject: RE: BS: Fourth Joke Thread for 2005
From: Peace
Date: 22 Dec 05 - 07:13 PM

How many flies does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Only two, but I have no idea how they get in there.

Subject: RE: BS: Fourth Joke Thread for 2005
From: Wilfried Schaum
Date: 23 Dec 05 - 02:47 AM

What is flying through the air, rattling?


A sparrow in a chain mail

Subject: RE: BS: Fourth Joke Thread for 2005
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 05 Jan 06 - 05:55 PM

"Bullseye Champion"

A very drunk man goes into a bar and orders
a drink. The bartender serves him and asks
him if he would like to try the bar game of darts.
Three in the bullseye and win a prize.. Only a
dollar for three darts.

The drunk agrees and throws the first dart.
A bullseye!! He downs another drink, takes
aim on wobbly feet, lets go...Two bulls eyes!!!!
Two more quick drinks go down. Barely able
to stand, he lets go of the last dart.

Three bulls eyes!!!

All are astounded. No one has ever won before.
The bartender searches for a prize... grabs a
turtle from the bar's terrarium and presents it
to the drunk as his prize.

Three weeks pass... The drunk returns and
orders more drinks, then announces he would
like to try the dart game again. To the total
amazement and wonderment of all the local
drunks, he scores three more bulls eyes and
demands his prize.

The bartender, being a sort of drunk himself, and
a bit short of memory, doesn't know what to give,
so he asks the drunk, "Say, what did you win the
last time?"

And the drunk responds, "A roast beef sandwich
on a hard roll!"

Subject: RE: BS: Fourth Joke Thread for 2005
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 05 Jan 06 - 05:57 PM

"Fowl Humor"

One day a man was walking in the woods when he got
lost. For two days he roamed around trying to find a way
out. He had not eaten anything during this period and
was famished. Over on a rock ledge he spotted a bald
eagle, killed it, and started to eat it. Surprisingly, a
couple of park rangers happen to find him at that moment,
and arrested him for killing an endangered species.

At court, he plead innocent to the charges against him
claiming that if he didn't eat the bald eagle he would
have died from starvation.

The judge ruled in his favor.

In the judge's closing statement he asked the man,
"I would like you to tell me something before I let you
go. I have never eaten a bald eagle, nor ever plan on
it. What did it taste like?"

The man answered, "Well, it tasted like a cross
between a whooping crane and a spotted owl!"

Subject: RE: BS: Fourth Joke Thread for 2005
From: GUEST,Ronnie
Date: 06 Jan 06 - 12:05 AM

Poor little clams! Snap! Snap! Snap!
Poor little clams! Snap! Snap! Snap!
Poor little clams! Snap! Snap! Snap!
Does your jaw ache, dear reader?
Bwahahahhahahahaha!
Clams!
Poor Little clams! Snap! Snap! Snap!
Poor Little Clams! Snap! Snap! Snap!
Pope Charles
SubGenius Pope Of Houston
Slack!

Subject: RE: BS: Fourth Joke Thread for 2005
From: GUEST
Date: 06 Jan 06 - 10:59 AM

What the chuff have you been drinking !

Subject: RE: BS: Fourth Joke Thread for 2005
From: MudGuard
Date: 06 Jan 06 - 11:55 AM

S[ch]naps? ;-)

Subject: RE: BS: Fourth Joke Thread for 2005
From: The Walrus
Date: 07 Jan 06 - 09:39 AM

Isn't it about time that this was replaced by the First Joke Thread for 2006?

W

Subject: RE: BS: Fourth Joke Thread for 2005
From: GUEST,Wally Wentworth
Date: 07 Jan 06 - 04:56 PM

Amos Hosne had to take a lomg trip into the desert and his camel was not up to it.

He went to see Abu Bobert, the used camel trader. Abu Bobert sold him a camel garnteed to last 10 days with out water.

On the way back after 9 days the caamel dropped dead. Amos had to walk the rest of the way and barely made it alive.

He accosted Abu Bobert and demanded all his drachmas back. Abu said "did you brick him before you left?" Amos said "what the hell is bricking?" Bobert said "when you take your camel to the watering hole and let him drink his fill, you wait untill he just starts to lift his head up out of the water and you clap two bricks together on his gonads. The camel will go UUUUUUUUUUUNNNNHHHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAA! and suck up enough water to last that extra day."

Subject: RE: BS: Fourth Joke Thread for 2005
From: breezy
Date: 08 Jan 06 - 10:50 AM

just mind your thumbs

Subject: RE: BS: Fourth Joke Thread for 2005
From: The PA
Date: 09 Jan 06 - 08:18 AM

Two ladies on their way home from a night out have to stop for a pee in the grave yard. With no tissues in their pockets one decides to use her knickers and then throw them away, the other used a ribbon of a wreath on a nearby grave. The ladies do what they have to do and go on their way.

The next day the two husbands meet, one says to the other, 'they must have had a good time last night mine came home without her knickers'
The other replies,

"I'll say, mine had her knickers but there was a card inside reading,
with regards from all the lads at the fire station, we'll never forget you"

Subject: RE: BS: Fourth Joke Thread for 2005
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 09 Jan 06 - 12:59 PM

Let's close this 2005 joke thread. I'll open the First Joke Thread for 2006 right now. See ya there!

Dave Oesterreich

Subject: RE: BS: Fourth Joke Thread for 2005
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 09 Jan 06 - 01:01 PM

I see that I'm late: Someone already opened it!   See ya there!

Dave Oesterreich

Subject: RE: BS: Fourth Joke Thread for 2005
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 11 Jan 06 - 04:26 PM

Wow! I stsrted a tradition!

(But then, I used to be in the SCA!)

First Joke thread for 2006