Third Joke Thread for 2007

Subject: Third Jike Thread for 2007
From: Wilfried Schaum
Date: 25 May 07 - 07:44 AM

Click for the 'PermaThread™: List of all joke threads'

---

It's time to continue the rather bulky Second Joke Thread for 2007 here.

Subject: RE: Third Jike Thread for 2007
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 25 May 07 - 07:57 AM

I'll have to submit a Jike later today.

Dave Oesterreich

Subject: RE: Third Jike Thread for 2007
From: JennyO
Date: 25 May 07 - 08:24 AM

I'd submit a jike if I had one. Is it anything like a bike?

Subject: RE: Third Jike Thread for 2007
From: Dave Hanson
Date: 25 May 07 - 08:45 AM

Are you jiking ?

eric

Subject: RE: Third Jike Thread for 2007
From: fat B****rd
Date: 25 May 07 - 08:55 AM

'ere, wot abaht Jike The Peg ?

Subject: RE: Third Jike Thread for 2007
From: John MacKenzie
Date: 25 May 07 - 08:57 AM

Yikes !

Subject: RE: Third Jike Thread for 2007
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 25 May 07 - 09:04 AM

In the sixties I had an Austin Mini Moke with an open top of course...would it now be known as an 'open Mike'?

Subject: RE: Third Jike Thread for 2007
From: redsnapper
Date: 25 May 07 - 09:29 AM

Australian jokes only?

Subject: RE: Third Jike Thread for 2007
From: beardedbruce
Date: 25 May 07 - 09:34 AM

http://research.yale.edu/cgi-bin/swahili/main.cgi?right_frame_src=http%3A//research.yale.edu/cgi-bin/swahili/lookup.cgi%3FWord%3

ng'ombe jike (or gombe jike), pl ng'ombe jike (or magombe jike) { English: cow (female) , pl cows } [Terminology: agriculture]
noun 9/10an, - [ edit entry ] [ photos: upload ] [see also: jike]
Swahili Definition: jike la mnyama jamii ya nyati anayefugwa na hutumiwa kupata sana sana maziwa na pia nyama, ngozi, na kwato zake hutumiwa kutengeneza gundi


jike , pl majike { English: female (animal) , pl females } [derived: -ke adj]
noun 5/6an, - [ edit entry ] [ photos: upload ]

Subject: RE: Third Jike Thread for 2007
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 25 May 07 - 09:46 AM

Whu naads a thord jike throud onywoy?

Subject: RE: Third Jike Thread for 2007
From: Geordie-Peorgie
Date: 25 May 07 - 09:47 AM

By heck!

Aah hope the humour's ganna improve before lang!

A divvent get that last one - is it in some strange Durham dialect?

It's certainly not Geordie!

Subject: RE: Third Jike Thread for 2007
From: Jim Lad
Date: 25 May 07 - 10:05 AM

Just had to come in for a wee lik!

Subject: RE: Third Jike Thread for 2007
From: Dave Hanson
Date: 25 May 07 - 10:32 AM

It's probably some soft southerners accent Geordie-Porgie.

eric

Subject: RE: Third Jike Thread for 2007
From: Jim Lad
Date: 25 May 07 - 11:03 AM

Girdie Pirgie?

Subject: RE: Third Jike Thread for 2007
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 25 May 07 - 11:07 AM

Jawdee Pawgee....now does that sound Geordie or what?

Subject: RE: Third Jike Thread for 2007
From: Dave Hanson
Date: 26 May 07 - 02:27 AM

No.


eric

Subject: RE: Third Jike Thread for 2007
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 26 May 07 - 11:14 AM

To get back to the intent of the thread (all jiking aside), here's one:

----

Can cold water clean dishes?

This is for all the germ conscious folks that worry about using cold water to clean.

John went to visit his 90 year old grandfather in a very secluded, rural area of SW Alberta. After spending a great evening chatting the night away, John's grandfather prepared breakfast of bacon, eggs and toast. However, John noticed a film like substance on his plate, and questioned his grandfather asking, "Are these plates clean?"

His grandfather replied, "They're as clean as cold water can get them. Just you go ahead and finish your meal, Sonny!"

For lunch the old man made hamburgers. Again, John was concerned about the plates as his appeared to have tiny specks around the edge that looked like dried egg and asked, "Are you sure these plates are clean?"

Without looking up the old man said, "I told you before, Sonny, those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them. Now don't you fret, I don't want to hear another word about it!"

Later that afternoon, John was on his way to a nearby town and as he was leaving, his grandfather's dog started to growl, and wouldn't let him pass. John yelled and said, "Grandfather, your dog won't let me get to my car".

Without diverting his attention from the football game he was watching on TV, the old man shouted "COLDWATER, GO LAY DOWN!"

Subject: RE: Third Jike Thread for 2007
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 26 May 07 - 11:23 AM

Can you imagine yourself to be the nun that is sitting at her desk grading these papers all the while trying to keep a straight face and maintain her composure!

Pay special attention to the wording and spelling. If you are even remotely familiar with Holy Scripture, you'll find this hilarious! It comes from a Roman Catholic elementary school test. Kids were asked questions about the Old and New Testaments. The following statements about the Bible were written by children they have not been retouched or corrected. Incorrect spelling has been left in.

1. In the first book of the Bible, Guinessis. God got tired of creating the world so he took the Sabbath off.

2. Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. Noah's wife was Joan of Ark Noah built and ark and the animals came on in pears.

3. Lots wife was a pillar of salt during the day, but a ball of fire during the night.

4. The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with unsympathetic genitals.

5. Sampson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel like Delilah.

6. Samson slayed the Philistines with the Axe of the Apostles.

7. Moses led the Jews to the Red Sea where they made unleavened bread which is bread without any ingredients.

8. The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterwards, Moses went up to Mount Cyanide to get the Ten Commandments.

9. The first commandments was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.

10. The seventh commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.

11. Moses died before he ever reached Canada. Then Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol.

12. The greatest miricle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.

13. David was a Hebrew king who was skilled at playing the liar. He fought the Finkelsteins, a race of people who lived in biblical times.

14. Solomon, one of Davids sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.

15. When Mary heard she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta.

16. When the three wise guys from the East Side arrived they found Jesus in the manager.

17. Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption.

18. St. John the blacksmith dumped water on his head.

19. Jesus enunciated the golden rule, which says to do unto others before they do one to you. He also explained a man doth not live by sweat alone.

20. It was a miricle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tombstone off the entrance.

21. The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 Decibels.

22. The epistels were the wives of the apostles.

23. One of the oppossums was St. Matthew who was also a taximan.

24. St. Paul cavorted to Christianity, he preached holy acrimony which is another name for marraige.

25. Christians have only one spouse. This is called monotony.

Subject: RE: Third Jike Thread for 2007
From: JennyO
Date: 26 May 07 - 11:38 AM

Okay, that one is probably all over the internet, but I hadn't heard it before.

Uncle DaveO, you owe me a new keyboard (she said, mopping up the sprayed tea).

Subject: RE: Third Jike Thread for 2007
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 26 May 07 - 12:02 PM

Okay, here's another: (actually, two-for-the-price of one blonde jokes)

"Experience"

"Miss Johnson. I see under 'Experience' you only have clerical type work listed," said the executive. "Why exactly do you feel you're qualified to manage a department store such as ours?"

"Easy..." the pert little blonde replied. "At least twice a week, my former boss would call me into his private office and give me the business."

-----

"Hysterical Blonde"

A blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes out. Her boss concerned about all his employees well being asked sympathetically, "What's the matter?"

To which the blonde replies, "Early this morning I got a phone call saying that my mother had passed away."

The boss feeling very sorry at this point explains to the young girl. "Why don't you go home for the day? We aren't terribly busy, just take the day off to relax and rest."

The blonde very calmly states, "No, I'd be better off here. I need to keep my mind off it and I have the best chance of doing that here."

The boss agrees and allows the blonde to work as usual. "If you need anything, just let me know."

Well, a few hours pass and the boss decides to check on the blonde. He looks out over his office and sees the blonde crying hysterically again.

He rushes out to her asking, "What's so bad now? Are you going to be okay?"

"No," exclaims the blonde, "I just received a horrible call from my sister and she said that her mom died, too!"

Subject: RE: Third Jike Thread for 2007
From: Bill D
Date: 26 May 07 - 04:57 PM

An extraordinarily handsome Scotsman decided he had the responsibility to marry the perfect woman so they could produce beautiful children beyond compare. With that as his mission, he began searching for the perfect woman.

Shortly thereafter he met a farmer who had three stunning, gorgeous daughters that positively took his breath away. So he explained his mission to the farmer, asking for permission to marry one of them.

"They're lookin' to get married, so you came to the right place," said the farmer. "Look 'em over and pick the one you want."

The Scotsman dated the first daughter.

The next day the farmer asked for the man's opinion.

"Well," said the Scotsman, "she's just a weeeeee bit, not that you can hardly notice, pigeon-toed."

The farmer nodded and suggested the Scotsman date one of his other daughters; so the Scotsman went out with the second daughter.

The next day, the farmer again asked how things went.

"Well," the Scotsman replied, "she's just a weeeee bit, not that you can hardly tell, cross-eyed."

The farmer nodded and suggested he date his third daughter to see if things might be better.

So the Scotsman did.

The next morning the Scotsman rushed in exclaiming, "She's perfect, just perfect! She's the one I want to marry."

So they were wed right away.

Months later the baby was born. When the Scotsman visited the nursery he was horrified: the baby was the ugliest, most pathetic human you can imagine. He rushed to his father-in-law asking how such a thing could happen

considering the beauty of the parents.

"Well," explained the farmer, "she was just a weeeee bit, not that you could hardly tell, pregnant when you met her."

Subject: RE: Third Jike Thread for 2007
From: Bill D
Date: 26 May 07 - 05:06 PM

The factory shipping manager discovered a box on the loading dock labelled, "DANGER! DO NOT TOUCH!"

Management was called in, all employees were ordered to stay clear of the box, and the bomb squad was summoned.

A bomb technician arrived, donned his heavy gloves, helmet, and safety gear, walked onto the loading dock and then very carefully opened the carton.

Inside were 250 signs reading, "DANGER! DO NOT TOUCH!"

Subject: RE: Third Jike Thread for 2007
From: Wilfried Schaum
Date: 29 May 07 - 03:32 AM

ih shot! - is a there a cimpassoinate cline whi can change the totle?

Subject: RE: Third Jike Thread for 2007
From: JennyO
Date: 29 May 07 - 09:06 AM

Heh heh - dod yiu inly just nitoce the mostake, Wolfroed?

Why din't yiu PM Jie Iffer?

Subject: RE: Third Jike Thread for 2007
From: Becca72
Date: 29 May 07 - 12:49 PM

A man is stumbling through the woods totally drunk when he comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the river. The drunk walks into the water and subsequently bumps into the preacher. The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of booze. Whereupon he asks the drunk, "Are you ready to find Jesus?" "Yes I am," replies the drunk, so the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the river. He pulls him up and asks the drunk, "Brother have you found Jesus?"

The drunk replies, "No, I haven't." The preacher, shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water again, but for a bit longer this time. He pulls him out of the water and asks again, "Have you found Jesus, my brother?"

The drunk again answers, "No, I have not found Jesus."

By this time the preacher is at his wits end so he dunks the drunk in the water again, but this time he holds him down for about 30 seconds.

When the drunk begins kicking his arms and legs, the preacher pulls him up. The preacher asks the drunk again, "For the love of God, have you found Jesus?"

The drunk wipes his eyes, catches his breath, and says to the preacher, "Are you sure this is where he fell in?"

Subject: RE: Third Jike Thread for 2007
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 29 May 07 - 01:22 PM

After his thirtieth birthday celebration, the son of a wealthy oil sheik was summoned before his father and told it was time for him to quit his playboy ways and take a wife. The son told the sheik that he had been dating three women, each of whom he was equally fond, and that choosing between them would be difficult. So, the shiek devised a little test. The son was told to give $10,000 to each of the three women and make his decision based upon how wisely the money was spent.

The first woman spent the entire $10,000 on gifts for herself. The second spent all the money on gifts for the sheik's son. The third spend half on the sheik's son and half on herself.

The question is "Which one did he marry?"

























Answer: The one with the biggest breasts, of course.

Subject: RE: Third Jike Thread for 2007
From: Rog Peek
Date: 29 May 07 - 02:33 PM

Be-Dubya-ell
That jike reminds me of another which warns against jumping to conclusions:

Teacher in a class of primary school children posed them a problem:

"There are three crows on a fence and the farmer shoots one of them, how many crows are left?"

Johnny put up his hand.
"Yes Johnny." said the teacher.
"Two Miss" Johnny replied.
" Well actually Johnny, the gun shot would have frightened the other two crows away, so there wouldn't be any left at all, but, "she said, "I can see where you're coming from!"

Later that day, Johnny met the teacher in the corridor.
"Can I ask you a question Miss"?
"Yes" she said, "of course you can."
"Well" he said, "There are three ladies walking down the road, each holding a lolly pop. Two of the ladies are licking their lolly, and one is sucking hers, which one of the three is married?" he asked.
The teacher became a little embarrassed, "I suppose it's the one sucking her lolly" she whispered.
"No" Johnny replied, "It's the one with the wedding ring, but," he retorted with glee, "I can see where you're coming from!"

Subject: RE: Third Joke Thread for 2007
From: Wilfried Schaum
Date: 31 May 07 - 07:34 AM

Mistake corrected, Wilfried - but I kinda liked "jike."
[grin]
-Joe-

Thanks, Joe

Subject: RE: Third Joke Thread for 2007
From: Wilfried Schaum
Date: 31 May 07 - 08:29 AM

An old joke, when Austria was a great empire ...

One Englishman - a gentleman
two Englishmen - a club
three Englishmen - a Commonwealth

one Frenchman - a charmer
two Frenchmen - a love affair
three Frenchmen - a marriage

one German - a pedant
two Germans - an association
three Germans - a war

one Austrian - a cavalier
two Austrians - a sloppiness
three Austrians - there are no three Austrians; the third always is either a Hungarian, Czech or Jew

Subject: RE: Third Joke Thread for 2007
From: JennyO
Date: 31 May 07 - 10:14 AM

Aww - wot a shame. No more jikes. I was getting sorta fond of them!

Subject: RE: Third Joke Thread for 2007
From: The Walrus
Date: 31 May 07 - 10:24 AM

Wilfred,

Your 1,2,3 piece reminded me of a comment I once heard about the Welsh..

If you left a Welsman alone on a desert island with enough tools and materials, when you came back, aong the buildings there would be two chapels, the one he uses and one he wouldn't go to if you paid him!

Subject: RE: Third Joke Thread for 2007
From: Mrrzy
Date: 31 May 07 - 01:57 PM

A Hungarian is someone who can go in a revolving door behind you and come out ahead...

Everybody used to know that one.

Subject: RE: Third Joke Thread for 2007
From: Amos
Date: 31 May 07 - 10:05 PM

Cows
The Constitution
The Ten Commandments

Cows
Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that our government can track a single cow born in Canada almost three years ago, right to the stall where she sleeps in the state of Washington ? And, they tracked her calves to, their stalls. But they are unable to locate 11 million illegal aliens wandering around our country. Maybe we should give each of them a cow.

The Constitution
They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for Iraq . Why don't we just give them ours? It was written by a lot of really smart guys, it has worked for over 200 years, and we're not using it anymore.

The Ten Commandments
The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments posted in a courthouse is this: You cannot post "Thou Shalt Not Steal," "Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery", and "Thou Shall Not Lie" in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians. It creates a hostile work environment.

Subject: RE: Third Joke Thread for 2007
From: GUEST
Date: 03 Jun 07 - 02:34 PM

"Sunday Clothes"

A little boy was walking down a dirt road after church one Sunday afternoon when he came to a crossroads where he met a little girl coming from the other direction.

"Hello," said the little boy.

"Hi," replied the little girl.

"Where are you going?" asked the little boy.

"I've been to church this morning and I'm on my way home," answered the little girl.

"Me too," replied the little boy. "I'm also on my way home from church."

"Which church do you go to?" asked the little boy.

"I go to the Baptist church back down the road," replied the little girl. "What about you?"

"I go to the Methodist church back at the top of the hill," replied the little boy.

They discover that they are both going the same way so they decided that they'd walk together.

A bit later, they came to a low spot in the road where spring rains had partially flooded the road so there was no way that they could get across to the other side without getting wet.

"If I get my new Sunday dress wet my Mom's going to skin me alive," said the little girl.

"My Mom'll tan my hide too if I get my new Sunday suit wet," replied the little boy.

"I tell you what I think I'll do," said the little girl "I'm gonna pull off all my clothes and hold them over my head and wade across."

"That's a good idea," replied the little boy. "I'm going to do the same thing with my suit."

So they both undressed and waded across to the other side without getting their clothes wet. They were standing there in the sun waiting to drip dry before putting their clothes back on when the little boy finally remarked:

"You know, I never did realize before just how much difference there really is between a Baptist and Methodist."

Subject: RE: Third Joke Thread for 2007
From: GUEST,Uncle DaveO
Date: 04 Jun 07 - 08:29 AM

"How Dumb Can You Be?"

Drug Possession Defendant Christopher Jansen,
on trial in March in Pontiac, Michigan, said he had
been searched without a warrant.

The prosecutor said the officer didn't need a warrant
because a "bulge" in Christopher's jacket could have
been a gun.

"Nonsense", said Christopher, who happened to be
wearing the same jacket that day in court.

He handed it over so the judge could see it.

The judge discovered a packet of cocaine in the pocket
and laughed so hard he required a five-minute recess
to compose himself.

Subject: RE: Third Joke Thread for 2007
From: GUEST,Uncle DaveO
Date: 05 Jun 07 - 08:26 AM

NEW PRIMARY CARE PHYSICIAN

I recently picked a new primary care physician. After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing "fairly well" for my age.

A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, Do you think I'll live to be 80?"

He asked, "Do you smoke tobacco or drink beer or wine?"

"Oh no," I replied, "I'm not doing drugs, either."

Then he asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?"

I said, "No, my other Doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!"

"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?

"No, I don't," I said.

He asked, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?"

"No," I said. "I don't do any of those things."

He looked at me and said, "Then, why do you give a hoot?"

Subject: RE: Third Joke Thread for 2007
From: John MacKenzie
Date: 05 Jun 07 - 08:35 AM

I was at the cemetery yesterday and I saw 4 pall bearers carrying a coffin.
3 Hours later I was passing the cemetery again and the same 4 pall bearers were walking around, with what looked like the same coffin.
I thought to myself, 'Those guys have totally lost the plot'

G.

Subject: RE: Third Joke Thread for 2007
From: The Walrus
Date: 05 Jun 07 - 12:32 PM

Giok,

OUCH !

W

Subject: RE: Third Joke Thread for 2007
From: dick greenhaus
Date: 05 Jun 07 - 11:00 PM

The 1-2-3 joke I heard way back when was about Russians.

1 Russian = a gentleman
2 Russians = a Party
3 Russians = a schism
4 Russians = The Budapest String Quartet

Subject: RE: Third Joke Thread for 2007
From: Splott Man
Date: 06 Jun 07 - 06:05 AM

Forgive me if this has already gone in:

1 Welshman = a gentleman
2 Welshmen = a committee
3 Welshmen = a choir

Subject: RE: Third Joke Thread for 2007
From: Wilfried Schaum
Date: 06 Jun 07 - 08:53 AM

And now something totally different:

When Cicero saw his son-in-law, a very short man, girded with a very long sword he exclaimed: "Who tied my son-in-law to the sword?"

Subject: RE: Third Joke Thread for 2007
From: Schantieman
Date: 06 Jun 07 - 11:42 AM

All these Europeans remind me of a saying my late ex-father-in-law (work that one out!) told me about regarding getting boys to help with a job:

One boy be a boy; two boys be half a boy and three boys be no boy at all.

Steve

Subject: RE: Third Joke Thread for 2007
From: Mrrzy
Date: 08 Jun 07 - 12:28 PM

Under the category of Don't Mess With Old Folks:


George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi was going up to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turn off the light but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.

He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?" and he said "no". Then they said that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be along when available.

George said, "Okay," hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again. "Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I've just shot them." Then he hung up.

Within five minutes three police cars, an Armed Response Unit, and an ambulance showed up at the Phillips' residence and caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the Policemen said to George: "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"

George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"


And another:


An older gentleman had an appointment to see the urologist who shared an office with several other doctors. The waiting room was filled with patients.

As he approached the receptionist desk, he noticed the receptionist was a large unfriendly woman who looked like a Sumo wrestler.

He gave her his name.

In a very loud voice, the receptionist said, "YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE; YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?" All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around to look at the very embarrassed man.

He recovered quickly, and in an equally loud voice replied, "NO, I'VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE OPERATION, BUT I DON'T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS."


And, from a different department:


A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, "I almost had an affair with another woman." The priest said, "What do you mean, almost?" The Irishman said, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped." The priest said, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box." The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box.

He paused for a moment and then started to leave.

The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, "I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!" The Irishman replied, "Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in."

Subject: RE: Third Joke Thread for 2007
From: Mickey191
Date: 08 Jun 07 - 11:04 PM

3 GREAT ONES!! THANKS

Subject: RE: Third Joke Thread for 2007
From: Ythanside
Date: 09 Jun 07 - 10:31 PM

Big Issue seller, standing in the rain at street corner. Bentley pulls up at the lights. BI seller steps forward and knocks on window, and when it opens he says to the driver 'Sorry to touble you but I'm flat broke. I've sold nothing today and I'm soaked through and frozen. Could you lend me 50p for a cup of tea?'
Driver removes cigar from his mouth and sneers 'Neither a borrower nor a lender be. William Shakespear.'
Lights change and Bentley moves off.
BI seller stares for a moment then starts running, catching up with the Bentley at the next lights. He bangs on the window. When the startled driver opens it the seller shouts 'C*nt! D H Lawrence!'

Subject: RE: Third Joke Thread for 2007
From: katlaughing
Date: 10 Jun 07 - 12:51 AM

Just read this at a pastor's online spot:

An honest man was being tailgated by a stressed out woman on a busy boulevard. Suddenly, the light turned yellow, just in front of him. He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.

The tailgating woman hit the roof, and the horn, screaming in frustration as she missed her chance to get through the intersection, dropping her cell phone and makeup. As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up.

He took her to the police station where she was searched, finger printed, photographed, and placed in a holding cell. After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.

He said, "I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you, and cussing a blue streak at him. I noticed the ' choose life' license plate holder, the ' what would Jesus do' bumper sticker, the ' follow me to Sunday- School' bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk. Naturally, I assumed you had stolen the car."

Subject: RE: Third Joke Thread for 2007
From: katlaughing
Date: 11 Jun 07 - 11:16 PM

Every year, English teachers from across the USA can submit their collections of actual similes and metaphors found in high school essays.

These excerpts are published each year to the amusement of teachers across the country. Here are some winners:

1. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a thigh Master.

2. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.

3. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.

4. She grew on him like she was a colony of E. Coli, and he was room-temperature Canadian beef.

5. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.

6. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.

7. He was as tall as a six-foot, three-inch tree.

8. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM machine.

9. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.

10. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.

11. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30.

12. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.

13. The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.

14. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.

15. They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.

16. John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.

17. He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant, and she was the East River.

18. Even in his last years, Granddad had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.

19. Shots rang out, as shots are known to do.

20. The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.

21. The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.

22. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame, maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.

23. The ballerina rose gracefully en Pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.

24. It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools.

25. He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.

(I think #14 is my fav!)

Subject: RE: Third Joke Thread for 2007
From: Bert
Date: 12 Jun 07 - 12:58 AM

I like 23.

Subject: RE: Third Joke Thread for 2007
From: Wilfried Schaum
Date: 12 Jun 07 - 01:55 AM

My favourite is #4. Thats's love!

Subject: RE: Third Joke Thread for 2007
From: The Walrus
Date: 12 Jun 07 - 03:46 AM

One or two (No. 9, for example) are lifted from elsewhere, but one or two those work well (for me, at least).

No.s 17 & 21 have a very Detective Fiction/Film Noir feel (imagine the lines spoken by a 'Sam Spade' or 'Mike Hammer' character).
I fing 19 & 20 worth noting and No. 6 is actually quite a nict illustration (if put in the right context)

Thanks kat.

Walrus