BS: Fourth Joke Thread for 2007

Subject: BS: Fourth Joke Thread for 2007
From: Wilfried Schaum
Date: 26 Jul 07 - 11:41 AM

Click for the 'PermaThread™: List of all joke threads'

---

And here we are again - I'm too idle to browse threads too long.

W

Subject: RE: BS: Fourth Joke Thread for 2007
From: Wilfried Schaum
Date: 26 Jul 07 - 11:48 AM

An old couple, silver anniversary.
She: What did you think when you saw me naked for the first time?
He: I wanted to suck your breasts empty and to bang your brains out.
She: And what dou think about me now?
He: I think I succeeded quite well.

Subject: RE: BS: Fourth Joke Thread for 2007
From: Mrrzy
Date: 26 Jul 07 - 12:42 PM

Continued from the 3rd 2007 joke thread...

Subject: RE: BS: Fourth Joke Thread for 2007
From: autolycus
Date: 26 Jul 07 - 05:14 PM

Sex is bad for one.































    For two, GREAT !!



   (Jackie Mason)






       Ivor

Subject: RE: BS: Fourth Joke Thread for 2007
From: autolycus
Date: 26 Jul 07 - 05:16 PM

From a celebration of Peter Cook.

"As a trade unionist, I'm often asked why I vote Conservative.

The answer is that I'm a stupid c***."







         Ivor

Subject: RE: BS: Fourth Joke Thread for 2007
From: GUEST,Mike
Date: 26 Jul 07 - 09:36 PM

Apple announced today that it has developed a breast implant that can store and play music. The iTit will cost $499 or $599 depending on cup size.

This has been hailed as a major breakthrough because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.

Subject: RE: BS: Fourth Joke Thread for 2007
From: Les B
Date: 27 Jul 07 - 12:13 AM

Just heard this tonight at a jam.

An anatomy professor is about to give a lecture on involuntary muscle contraction. He realizes his normal text is a bit boring, so decides to use a more lively introduction. He walks up to a pretty young female in the front row and says "Do you know what your asshole is doing while you have an orgasim?" "Of course," she replies, "He's off hunting deer with his buddies."

Subject: RE: BS: Fourth Joke Thread for 2007
From: *daylia*
Date: 27 Jul 07 - 11:36 AM

lol!

Subject: RE: BS: Fourth Joke Thread for 2007
From: Pseudolus
Date: 27 Jul 07 - 03:45 PM

Mom and Dad were trying to console Susie, whose dog had recently died. "You know," Mom said, "it's not your fault that the dog died. He's probably up in heaven right now, having a grand old time with God."

Susie, still crying, said, "What would God want with a dead dog?"


Frank

Subject: RE: BS: Fourth Joke Thread for 2007
From: Donuel
Date: 27 Jul 07 - 06:22 PM

Alberto Gonzales is reported to have contracted Jon Lovitz syndrome.
It is highly contagious and is presents symptoms such as:

쳌        Compulsive lies, yeah thats the ticket!

쳌        not remembering being told something,
      
쳌        "zoning out" in conversations,
      
쳌        being late or forgetting to show up when expected,
      
쳌        speaking without thinking,
      
쳌        pressured rapid-fire speech, seemingly random, and aimless hopping from one topic to the next,
      
쳌        perceived as aloof and arrogant, or tiresomely talkative and boorish,
      
쳌        easily frustrated or bored,
      
쳌        leaving a mess,
      
쳌        procrastination (difficulty starting tasks),
      
쳌        incompletion (starting tasks, household projects, or book reading, but not completing them before new projects or new books are begun, leaving a never-ending to-do list),
      
쳌        underestimating the time needed to finish a task,
      
쳌        insecurity and self-esteem issues because of unmet high personal expectations, and
      
쳌        often a high achiever, even an overachiever, but with poor self-image because of beliefs that more could be accomplished if not for disorganization.
      
쳌        often pressures goverment officials to sign documents when they are under sedation for major surgury.

Subject: RE: BS: Fourth Joke Thread for 2007
From: autolycus
Date: 28 Jul 07 - 06:37 AM

A.H. was so angry about the anti-Nazi jokes that he ordered the culprit found.

Eventually, the Gestapo arrested the Jewish comedian Yossel von Goldblum and brought him to (him -[phtt]).

who saud,"Are you the one who invented the joke about me and an ass?"

"Yes."

"And the ridiculous slander that I have only one ball?"

"That was mine."

"And the one about the day I die will be a Jewish holiday?"

"Yes, I thought that one up, too."

"You pig!!!!!!! Don't you know I am the Fuhrer of the glorious Third Reich, a great empire that will live a thousand years?"

"Ha! Ha1 Ha! That's hilarious. But you can't blame me for that one. Never heard that one before."






       Ivor

Subject: RE: BS: Fourth Joke Thread for 2007
From: GUEST,Uncle_DaveO
Date: 28 Jul 07 - 03:58 PM

Donuel, I guess you must mean that I'm qualified to be Attorney General in place of Alberto Gonzales! Almost all of that seems to fit me!

Dave Oesterreich

Subject: RE: BS: Fourth Joke Thread for 2007
From: Geordie-Peorgie
Date: 28 Jul 07 - 06:03 PM

Two drunks taalkin' and one says,

Dave! If aah banged your Missus and she had a bairn - Wad that mek us related?

Dave says,

"Whey no man! Burrit wad mek us even"

Subject: RE: BS: Fourth Joke Thread for 2007
From: Wilfried Schaum
Date: 31 Jul 07 - 02:40 AM

Geordie, please say it in English.

Subject: RE: BS: Fourth Joke Thread for 2007
From: autolycus
Date: 31 Jul 07 - 05:07 AM

Wilfried, er, he did. Perhaps you meant in standard English.



   
       Ivor

Subject: RE: BS: Fourth Joke Thread for 2007
From: Michael
Date: 31 Jul 07 - 05:07 AM

TRANSLATION

Two inebriated men are talking and one says;

Dave! I've had sexual intercourse with your wife and she's subsequently given birth; would that make us related?

Dave says,

Why no, but it makes us even.

Mike

Subject: RE: BS: Fourth Joke Thread for 2007
From: Wilfried Schaum
Date: 31 Jul 07 - 11:26 AM

LOL! Thanks, Mike

Subject: RE: BS: Fourth Joke Thread for 2007
From: Mrrzy
Date: 07 Aug 07 - 06:45 PM

GAMES FOR WHEN WE ARE OLDER


1. Sag, you're It.
2. Hide and go pee.
3. 20 questions shouted into your good ear.
4. Kick the bucket
5. Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says Bend Over.
6. Musical recliners.
7. Simon says something incoherent.
8. Pin the Toupee on the bald guy

SIGNS OF MENOPAUSE:
1. You sell your home heating system at a yard sale.
2. You have to write post-it notes with your kids' names on them.
3. You change your underwear after a sneeze.


OLD IS WHEN:
1. Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.
2. You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.
3. Getting a little action means I don't need fiber today.
4. Getting lucky means you find your car in the parking lot.
5. An all-nighter means not getting up to pee!

Subject: RE: BS: Fourth Joke Thread for 2007
From: Wilfried Schaum
Date: 09 Aug 07 - 11:04 AM

Judge: And what did you think when you grabbed the claimant under the skirt?
Defendant: I thought a horse was canoodling me.

Subject: RE: BS: Fourth Joke Thread for 2007
From: wlisk
Date: 10 Aug 07 - 09:25 PM

DON'T MESS WITH US OLD MEN...........
The strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could
outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun
of one of the older workmen.

After several minutes, the older worker had enough. "Why don't you put
your money where your mouth is," he said. "I will bet a week's wages
that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding that
you won't be able to wheel back."

"You're on, old man," the braggart replied. "Let's see what you got."
The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles.
Then, nodding to the young man, he said, "All right, Dumb Ass, get in."

Subject: RE: BS: Fourth Joke Thread for 2007
From: frogprince
Date: 10 Aug 07 - 10:16 PM

Someone must have thought of this before, but I really don't remember hearing it:

What do you call a guy with no arms or legs, making love?










Spike.

Subject: RE: BS: Fourth Joke Thread for 2007
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 11 Aug 07 - 02:17 PM

One day at a bus stop there was a girl who was wearing a skin-tight miniskirt. When the bus arrived and it was her turn to get on, she realized that her skirt was so tight she couldn't get her foot high enough to reach the first step.

Thinking it would give her enough slack to raise her leg, she reached back and unzipped her skirt a little. She still could not reach the step. Embarrassed, she reached back once again to unzip it a little more. Still, she couldn't reach the step.

So she reached back and unzipped her skirt all the way. Thinking that she could get on the step now, she lifted up her leg only to realize that she still couldn't reach the step.

So, seeing how embarrassed the girl was, the man standing behind her put his hands around her waist and lifted her up on to the first step of the bus. The girl was now mortified, and turned around furiously and told the man off. "How dare you touch my body that way," she yelled. "I don't even know you!"

Shocked, the man says, "Well, ma'am, after you reached around and unzipped my fly for the third time, I kinda figured that we must be pretty good friends."

Subject: RE: BS: Fourth Joke Thread for 2007
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 13 Aug 07 - 07:55 PM

Why God made Mums --
BRILLIANT Answers given by 2nd grade school children to the following questions!!



Why did God make mothers?

1. She's the only one who knows where the sticky tape is.

2. Mostly to clean the house.

3. To help us out of there when we were getting born.


How did God make mothers?

1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.

2. Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring

3. God made my Mum just the same like he made me. He Just used bigger parts.


What ingredients are mothers made of?

1. God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in the world and one dab of mean.

2. They had to get their start from men's bones. Then they mostly use string, I think.


Why did God give you Your mother & not some other Mum?

1. We're related

2. God knew she likes me a lot more than other people's mums like me.


What kind of little girl was your mum?

1. My mum has always been my mum and none of that other stuff.

2. I don't know because I wasn't there, but my guess would be pretty bossy.

3. They say she used to be nice.


What did mum need to know about dad before she married him?

1. His last name.

2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does he get drunk on beer?

3. Does he make at least $800 a year? Did he say NO to drugs and YES to chores?


Why did your Mum marry your dad?

1. My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my Mum eats a lot.

2. She got too old to do anything else with him.

3. My grandma says that Mum didn't have her thinking cap on.


Who's the boss at your house?


1. Mum. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the bed.

2. I guess Mum is, but only because she has a lot more to do than dad.


What's the difference between mums & dads?

1. Mums work at work and work at home & dads just go to work at work.

2. Mums know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.

3. Dads are taller & stronger, but moms have all the real power 'cause that's who you got to ask if you want to sleep over at your friend's.

4. Mums have magic, they make you feel better without medicine.


What does your mum do in her spare time?

1. Mothers don't do spare time.

2. To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long.


What would it take to make your mum perfect?

1. On the inside she's already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of plastic surgery.

2. Diet You know, her hair. I'd diet, maybe blue.


If you could change one thing about your Mum, what would it be?

1. She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean. I'd get rid of that.

2. I'd make my Mum smarter. Then she would know it was my sister who did it and not me.

3. I would like for her to get rid of those invisible eyes on the back of her head.

Subject: RE: BS: Fourth Joke Thread for 2007
From: Bill D
Date: 13 Aug 07 - 09:13 PM

One of the reasons I fret about the internet....there were 452 Google hits on "God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair "...now there will be 453.

And I am a pedant..the whole 'Mum' bit is not a joke

   ...so sue me in Pedant's Court...*grin*

Here is a joke:

Apple Computer announced today that it has developed a computer chip that can store and play high fidelity music in women's breast implants.
The iTit will cost $499 or $599 depending on speaker size. This is considered to be a major breakthrough because women have always complained about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.

Subject: RE: BS: Fourth Joke Thread for 2007
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 13 Aug 07 - 09:33 PM

"Results 1 - 10 of about 82,900 for 'This is considered to be a major breakthrough because women have always complained about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them'"


:-P

Subject: RE: BS: Fourth Joke Thread for 2007
From: Bill D
Date: 13 Aug 07 - 10:03 PM

LOLOL...figgers! *one mark for Foolestroupe*

...at least it IS a joke.

Subject: RE: BS: Fourth Joke Thread for 2007
From: Wilfried Schaum
Date: 14 Aug 07 - 08:32 AM

... and one of these 82,900 is here

nice coincidence, isn't it?

Subject: RE: BS: Fourth Joke Thread for 2007
From: autolycus
Date: 14 Aug 07 - 12:56 PM

Well, if 2 people have quoted the same thing from the internet, then that proves it's true.



   a woman gets into a railway carriage, where there's a chap reading the paper.

   After a while, she says,

   "Excuse me."

   He puts his paper down, and she continues,

   "Hope you don't mind me asking, but are you Jewish?"

   "No," thus the man who resumes his paper.

   After a short while, she says,"Sorry, but aren't you Jewish?"

   He says,"No,I'm not" again and resumes reading.

   A longer pause but she's still not satisfied,

   "I'm very sorry, but I'm sure you're Jewish."

   He puts his paper down and says, "Well, actually, yes I am Jewish."

   Now she's satisfied but adds, "Mind you, you don't look Jewish."






       Ivor

Subject: RE: BS: Fourth Joke Thread for 2007
From: Wilfried Schaum
Date: 15 Aug 07 - 06:15 AM

Well, if 2 people have quoted the same thing from the internet, then that proves it's true

shit is beautiful - 30 trillions of flies can't be mistaken

Subject: RE: BS: Fourth Joke Thread for 2007
From: wlisk
Date: 15 Aug 07 - 04:13 PM

A crusty old man walks into the local First Baptist Church and says to the secretary, "I would like to join this damn church."

The astonished woman replies, "I beg your pardon, sir. I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?"

"Listen up, damn it. I said I want to join this damn church!"

"I'm very sorry sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated in this church."

The secretary leaves her desk and goes into the pastor's study to inform him of her situation. The pastor agrees that the secretary does not have to listen to that foul language. They both return to her office and the pastor asks the old geezer, "Sir, what seems to be the problem here?"

"There is no damn problem," the man says. "I just won $200 million bucks in the damn lottery and I want to join this damn church to get rid of some of this damn money. "

"I see," said the pastor. "And is this bitch giving you a hard time?"

Subject: RE: BS: Fourth Joke Thread for 2007
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 15 Aug 07 - 07:48 PM

The Alabama preacher said to his congregation "Someone in this congregation has spread a rumour that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. That is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian family."

No one moved.

The preacher continued, "Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression."

Again all was silent.

Then slowly a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop traffic rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke. "Reverend there has been a terrible mistake, I never said you belonged to the Ku Klux Khan. I simply told a friend that you were a wizard under the sheets."

The preacher fainted and the congregation roared.

Subject: RE: BS: Fourth Joke Thread for 2007
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 16 Aug 07 - 08:47 AM

"Telephone Poll"

The latest telephone poll taken by the Florida
Governor's office, asked whether people who live
in Florida think illegal immigration is a serious
problem:

29% of respondents answered: "Yes, it is a
serious problem."

71% of respondents answered: "No es una
problema seriosa."

Subject: RE: BS: Fourth Joke Thread for 2007
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 16 Aug 07 - 08:49 AM

"Jar Number 47"

A new miracle doctor had just arrived in town. He
could cure anything and anybody, and everyone was
amazed with what he could do - everyone except for
Mr. Thompson, the town skeptic.

Grumpy old Mr. Thompson went to this 'miracle doctor'
to prove that he wasn't anybody special. He went and
told the doctor, "Hey, doc, I have lost my sense of taste.
I can't taste nothin', so what are ya goin' to do?"

The doctor scratched his head and mumbled to himself
a little, then told Mr.. Thompson, "What you need is jar
number 47."

So the doctor brought the jar and told Mr. Thompson to
taste it.

He tasted it and immediately spit it out, "This is gross!"
he yelled.

"I just restored your sense of taste Mr. Thompson," said
the doctor.

So Mr. Thompson went home very angry.

One month later, Mr. Thompson went back to the doctor
along with a new problem, "Doc," he started, "I can't
remember anything!"

Thinking he had the doctor stumped now, he waited
as the doctor scratched his head, mumbled to himself
a little, and told Mr. Thompson, "What you need is jar
number 47..."

Immediately Mr. Thompson was cured and fled the
room!

Subject: RE: BS: Fourth Joke Thread for 2007
From: Ebbie
Date: 16 Aug 07 - 04:03 PM

Blue Suit

A man who just died is delivered to the mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.

The mortician asks the decease’s wife how she would like the body dressed. He points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.

The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit.

She gives the mortician a blank check and says, “I don’t care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.”

The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly.

She says to the mortician, “Whatever this cost, I’m very satisfied. You did an excellent job and I’m very grateful. How much did you spend?”

To her astonishment, the mortician returns her check. The check is blank. He says, “There’s no charge.”

“No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!” she says.

“Honestly, ma’am,” the mortician says, “It cost nothing.

“You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband’s size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.

“So I switched the heads.”

Subject: RE: BS: Fourth Joke Thread for 2007
From: JennyO
Date: 17 Aug 07 - 01:54 AM

KAKSOD!!! (Killed Another Keyboard Squirting Out Drink - Liz's invention)

Ebbie, you really ought to warn a person before you post things like that!

Then when I read it to John, he was literally doubled up with laughter (no keyboards nearby, fortunately)!

Subject: RE: BS: Fourth Joke Thread for 2007
From: GUEST,HuwG at strange office
Date: 17 Aug 07 - 05:55 AM

A man wanted to end his life by being run over by a steam locomotive. With so few of them left in the world, he had difficulty finding one. One day he went on holiday, and to his joy, found a railway line with working steam engines. He leaped in front of one and was killed instantly. He was chuffed to pieces.

Subject: RE: BS: Fourth Joke Thread for 2007
From: John Hardly
Date: 17 Aug 07 - 06:15 AM

Xerox Corp has announced the introduction of an environmentally friendly new copier paper that will require the harvesting of thousands fewer trees every year. According to the press release, all the materials required for the new copier paper are entirely synthetic, except for the kittens.

Subject: RE: BS: Fourth Joke Thread for 2007
From: John Hardly
Date: 17 Aug 07 - 06:15 AM

A famous Viking explorer returned home from a voyage and found his name missing from the town register. His wife insisted on complaining to the local civic official.... who apologized profusely, saying, "I must have taken Leif off my census."

Subject: RE: BS: Fourth Joke Thread for 2007
From: deadfrett
Date: 17 Aug 07 - 08:24 AM

I gave the wife a Mood Ring.
When she's happy,it turns green.
When she's mad it leaves a red mark on my forehead.

Subject: RE: BS: Fourth Joke Thread for 2007
From: Wesley S
Date: 17 Aug 07 - 02:01 PM

An old hillbilly farmer had a wife who nagged him unmercifully. From morning till night (and sometimes later), she was always complaining about something. The only time he got any relief was when he was out plowing with his old mule. He tried to plow a lot.

One day, when he was out plowing, his wife brought him lunch in the field. He drove the old mule into the shade, sat down on a stump, and began to eat his lunch. Immediately, his wife began haranguing him again. Complain, nag, nag; it just went on and on.

All of a sudden, the old mule lashed out with both hind feet; caught her smack in the back of the head. Killed her dead on the spot.

At the funeral several days later, the minister noticed something rather odd. When a woman mourner would approach the old farmer, he would listen for a minute, then nod his head in agreement;
but when a man mourner approached him, he would listen for a
minute, then shake his head in disagreement. This was so consistent, the minister decided to ask the old farmer about it.

So after the funeral, the minister spoke to the old farmer, and asked him why he nodded his head and agreed with the women, but always shook his head and disagreed with all the men.

The old farmer said: "Well, the women would come up and say something about how nice my wife looked, or how pretty her dress was, so I'd nod my head in agreement."

"And what about the men?" the minister asked.

"They all wanted to know if the mule was for sale."

Subject: RE: BS: Fourth Joke Thread for 2007
From: Cluin
Date: 17 Aug 07 - 02:27 PM

One from my 4 year old niece today:

Q: What do you call two banana peels?

A: A pair of slippers.

Subject: RE: BS: Fourth Joke Thread for 2007
From: GUEST, Ebbie
Date: 17 Aug 07 - 05:47 PM

JennyO, your John's reaction is the same as I had. hahhaha It still strikes me as hilarious.

Subject: RE: BS: Fourth Joke Thread for 2007
From: autolycus
Date: 18 Aug 07 - 02:51 PM

A chap in a new town needs a suit and finds a local tailor.

measurements are taken, 'ready in a coupla days' and so on.

When he returns to the tailor and tries on the suit, he notices a crease down the back of the jacket.

The tailor says, "Yeh, well, if you just bend a little to your right...", whixh he does, and the tailor continues,"There you are !"

"Yes," says the man,"but look, now there's a fold on the left."

Thus the tailor,"Right. And so just pull your left shoulder back, " which he does,"There you are - vanished."

The man continues,"And now there's a roll on the right front."

The tailor reponds,"Right and now you twist a bit to the right and bend a little forward. Perfect."

"You're right," says the man who pays and leaves.

He's spotted walking along the street by two women.

One says, "Oh, look at that poor unfortunate man, must be terrible to be like that."

The other says, " True, but has he found a fan-tas-tic tailor !"






       Ivor

Subject: RE: BS: Fourth Joke Thread for 2007
From: Roger the Skiffler
Date: 20 Aug 07 - 09:18 AM

Can’t remember if we’ve used this one:

Bill & George

Before his 2001 inauguration, George Bush was invited to a get-acquainted tour of the White House.

After drinking several glasses of iced tea, he asked Bill Clinton if he could use his personal bathroom.

When he entered Clinton’s personal bathroom, he was astonished to see that President Clinton had a solid gold urinal.

That afternoon, George told his wife, Laura, about the urinal.

“Just think,” he said. “When I’m president, I could have a gold urinal too. But I wouldn’t do something that self-indulgent!”

Later when Laura had lunch with Hillary at her tour of the White House, she told Hillary how impressed George had been at his discovery of the fact that, in the President’s private bathroom, the President had a gold urinal.

That evening, when Bill and Hillary were getting ready for bed, Hillary smiled, and said to Bill, “I found out who pissed in your saxophone.”

RtS

Subject: RE: BS: Fourth Joke Thread for 2007
From: Mickey191
Date: 20 Aug 07 - 10:48 PM

Laughed Out Loud Roger! It could very well be TRUE!!!

Subject: RE: BS: Fourth Joke Thread for 2007
From: autolycus
Date: 21 Aug 07 - 01:55 PM

LOL Roger.


   A mother buys her son two shirts.

   he takes them upstairs, tries them on, and comes down in one of them.

   She says, "So what's wrong with the other one?"





         Ivor

Subject: RE: BS: Fourth Joke Thread for 2007
From: GUEST,NEIL
Date: 21 Aug 07 - 02:43 PM

A guy walks into a bar with a box under his arm. He tells the barkeep, "I’m a bit down on my luck right now. Could you spot me to a shot and beer if I show you something amazing?"

The barman says, "It would have to be pretty bloody amazing."

The man says, "Well, check this out then," and pulls out of the box a chipmunk and a tiny little piano. The chipmunk proceeds to play "The Minute Waltz" in 49 seconds without missing a note.

The bartender says, "Well, you did indeed amaze me," and brings the man his shot and beer.

A few minutes later the man calls the bartender over and says, "That almost hit the spot, but if I show you something even more amazing will you spot me another?"

The bartender asks doubtfully: "More amazing than the piano playing chipmunk?"

"Just watch," he says and pulls out a little mongrel dog and sits him on the bar. With the chipmunk accompanying the dog proceeds to sing "Danny Boy" so beautifully and full of emotion there's not a dry eye in the house. So the man gets another shot and beer.

After a few minutes the bartender comes over and offers a thousand dollars for the dog and the chipmunk.

The man says, "Well, the chipmunk's been with me for quite a while. I could never part with him. I will, however sell the dog for $500."

They strike a deal and the barkeep pays up and takes the dog to the back room to feed him.

A patron at the bar begins berating the man, saying: "Are you crazy selling that dog for $500? Why, a dog that can sing like that has to be worth more than that."

The man turns to the patron and with a wink he whispers: "It's alright. The chipmunk is a ventriloquist," and hurries out of the bar.

Subject: RE: BS: Fourth Joke Thread for 2007
From: GUEST,NEIL
Date: 21 Aug 07 - 02:45 PM

AND IF YOU HAPPEN TO BE A DYSLEXIC AGNOSTIC WITH INSOMNIA,PLEASE DON'T LIE AWAKE TONIGHT WONDERING IF THERE REALLY IS A DOG.

Subject: RE: BS: Fourth Joke Thread for 2007
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 22 Aug 07 - 09:37 AM

"First Date... or Not"

A guy walks into a bookstore, not looking for anything in particular. On his way to the back of the store, he spots something of interest. A book with a very interesting title, "Dating for the New Millennium: What Women Want."

So he picks it up and opens it to a random page.

"Chapter 1: The First Date."

He glances the chapter over for a few minutes, and rushes out of the bookstore to call a girl he's wanted to ask out for quite a while.

When he gets home, picks up the phone and calls her. She answers, "Hello?"

He says, "Hi, Jessica? Listen, I was wondering if you would want to go see a movie with me tonight?"

She says, "Sure, I don't see anything wrong with that."

He gets excited. He thought she'd say, "No way!" but she didn't. So, he decided to take it one step further.

He asks, "Great! What do you think, dinner before the movie?"

She replies, "Sure, that would be great too!"

"Fine, I'll pick you up about nine; you should be finished eating by then."

Subject: RE: BS: Fourth Joke Thread for 2007
From: Nigel Parsons
Date: 22 Aug 07 - 03:22 PM

A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper has cheated him out of ten million bucks. His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that a deaf bookkeeper would not hear anything that he might have to testify about in court.
When the Godfather goes to confront the bookkeeper about his missing $10 million, he brings along his attorney, who knows sign language.
The Godfather tells the lawyer, 'Ask him where the 10 million bucks he embezzled from me is.'
The attorney, using sign language, asks the bookkeeper where the money is.
The bookkeeper signs back: 'I don't know what you are talking about.'
The attorney tells the Godfather: 'He says he doesn't know what you're talking about.'
The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to the bookkeeper's temple and says, 'Ask him again!'
The attorney signs to the bookkeeper: 'He'll kill you if you don't tell him!'
The bookkeeper signs back: 'OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo's backyard in Queens!'
The Godfather asks the attorney: 'Well, what'd he say?'
The attorney replies: 'He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger.'

         Don't you just love lawyers?