BS: Biggest Liar Competition Cumbria UK

Subject: BS: Biggest Liar Competition Cumbria UK
From: Mr Red
Date: 16 Nov 07 - 03:44 AM

Seems to be over already. Held every year in Santon(?) Bridge in the Bridge Hotel.

What I like is the fact that it is open to all-comers except politicians and lawyers.

Subject: RE: BS: Biggest Liar Competition Cumbria UK
From: GUEST,sparticus
Date: 16 Nov 07 - 04:32 AM

I won it this year!

Subject: RE: BS: Biggest Liar Competition Cumbria UK
From: greg stephens
Date: 16 Nov 07 - 05:28 AM

Rubbish, there's no liars competition at Santon Bridge. In fact, there's no such place as Santon Bridge. And if there were such a place, there wouldn't be a craft shop and an organic farm butcher's shop there, and you certainly wouldn't be able to buy the Boat Band's CD "A Trip to the Lakes" in either establishemnt. In fact, the Boat Band have never recorded any such CD, and that's the gospel truth I am telling you.

Subject: RE: BS: Biggest Liar Competition Cumbria UK
From: Matthew Edwards
Date: 16 Nov 07 - 08:21 AM

Auld Will Ritson, landlord at the Wasdale Head Inn many years ago used to win many such tall story telling competitions; one of his stories told of an eagle which was found wounded, and put in a chicken run to recover. There it mated with a foxhound bitch to produce a pack of winged hounds that flew over the screes.

One year Ritson entered a tall story competition, but withdrew at the last minute. The judges called on him to explain himself:-
"Well," he began "I cannot tell a lie..."
The judges awarded him the prize on the spot.

Subject: RE: BS: Biggest Liar Competition Cumbria UK
From: Mr Red
Date: 19 Nov 07 - 07:14 AM

LOL

Subject: RE: BS: Biggest Liar Competition Cumbria UK
From: GUEST,PMB
Date: 19 Nov 07 - 07:49 AM

How can they be SURE it's a lie? Do they make them take lie detector tests? What happens if someone wins, and it subsequently turns out to be true? Perhaps they keep a known true story on hand, and see how far the contender's story spreads while the reference story gets its boots on.

Subject: RE: BS: Biggest Liar Competition Cumbria UK
From: eddie1
Date: 19 Nov 07 - 10:11 AM

Taffy Thomas, The Storyteller, entered one year and told the story of a tweed cap belonging to Old Josh, a local character, which Taffy had coveted for many a long year. Taff found the cap floating in a puddle and when he lifted it up, Josh was underneath. On pulling him up Taff found Josh was sitting on a horse, harnessed to a wagon full of women and children. When Taff pulled them all out, Josh was so grateful, he gave Taffy the cap. Taff was so excited he jumped in his van and drove to Kendall where his wife was, parked the van and found Chrissie to show her the cap.
The committee believed every word till it came to the bit about finding a parking space in Kendall!

Eddie

Subject: RE: BS: Biggest Liar Competition Cumbria UK
From: skipy
Date: 19 Nov 07 - 10:33 AM

I did not open this thread, or read any of it
Skipy

Subject: RE: BS: Biggest Liar Competition Cumbria UK
From: Little Hawk
Date: 19 Nov 07 - 12:55 PM

I have never posted unnecessarily on Mudcat. I am, in fact, incapable of doing so. I only post here when it is vital and absolutely necessary to do so for the betterment of mankind.

Subject: RE: BS: Biggest Liar Competition Cumbria UK
From: Alaska Mike
Date: 19 Nov 07 - 04:51 PM

My favorite "Liar's" competition winner was many years ago. The story involved making longhorn cheese out of shorthorn milk.

Mike

Subject: RE: BS: Biggest Liar Competition Cumbria UK
From: greg stephens
Date: 19 Nov 07 - 05:20 PM

I think Wee Little Drummer has very sensible views on the future of folk, and I agree with every word he says. Ditto Lizzie Cornish.

Subject: RE: BS: Biggest Liar Competition Cumbria UK
From: GUEST,Ed
Date: 19 Nov 07 - 06:47 PM

I think that Greg Stephens posts the most uninteresting contributions to Mudcat ever, apart from Malcolm Douglas (of course).

I have no interest in hearing The Boat Band's CD "A Trip to the Lakes" Ever.

Subject: RE: BS: Biggest Liar Competition Cumbria UK
From: Little Hawk
Date: 19 Nov 07 - 08:07 PM

Nor I. But I just can't get enough of my "Bobbie Vinton's Greatest Hits" collection, all on the original vinyl records from K-tel.

"She...wore....BLUE.....VEL-VET.............."

Subject: RE: BS: Biggest Liar Competition Cumbria UK
From: Bobert
Date: 19 Nov 07 - 09:00 PM

Now, the one thing I miss the most about livin' back in Wes Ginny is knowin' that I lived in a state that not only held an annual liars contest but a state where lieing is an art form...

..which reminds me of the time that me and my cousin Rufus headed down to Mudflap, Mississippi for the annual Catfish Tournament... Now for you folks who ain't familiar with the Mudflap event let me tell you that ya' know them mudflaps that they stick on every trucks rear wheels in the entire world??? Thay are named after Mudflap, Mississippi... They sho nuff are and you can find that right there in most Wwebster's dictioaries...

But nevermind dictionaries 'cause this ain't about Webster... It's about catfish...

Now some folks don't realize it but a catfish can grow up to be about the size of a whale, give 'er take a ton one way or another but with the catfish the whale usually come out on the wrong side of the "give 'er take"...

Well, as is the case, as in ant tournement the promotors usally seed the event with a monster fish that they have brought in from some unspecfied farm where the sumabick has been raised up to be the biggeast and badest fish, which in a ctafish contest in Mudlap, Mississippi ain't easy as most of the catfish caught there make about two or three of my couzin Rufe's Chevette collection... The last time I counted that was 'bout 7 ot 9 of them things so we're talkin' a lot o' catfish here folks...

But nevermind Chevettes... This ain't a thread about ugly cars that wouldn't run long enough to warrent fillin' the tank...

So here me and Rufus were ridin' thru Tennessee when I spotted this big tractor trailer truck with "Cletus's Catfish Farm, Wilson, N.C." and this trailer way fish-tailin' from one side of the road to the other an' every tinme it'd jerk from one side to the other or the other to the one side it throw out a big splash out the top o' it so hard that Rufus had the windshield wipers going extra fast the entire time we were behind it... But nevermind windshield wipers... I knew that this truck was carryin' one serious catfish... Probably make Moby Dick jump outta the sea and take a dirt road... Sho nuff would... Sho nuff would...

So I figured, "Why wait until we get to Mudflap, Lets go fishing right here on the Interstate?"

So I rigs up me my Strat-o-Rod with my Right-as-Rain 500 Reel with 300 pound test line that is pure American stainless steel and I put me a big hook on it that is so big that they don't use mubers on 'um... You buy them at the boat shop where they sell boat anchors... Then for bait, I reach back in the coller an pull out that whole possum that Rufus had ran over earlier that day right outside of Buck Snort, Tenesssee, where you can still get a motel room for under 10 dollars... Sho nuff can...

But nevermind Buck Snort... Here right in front of us was atractor trailer with one danged bigass fish in it so I put that possum on that anchor of a fish hook and leaned way out the window of Rufus's wife, Rether May's ol' AMC Gremlin and let that anchor fish hooh let fly, possum attached, and into that trailer she did land...

You know that most of the time these promoters want their big fish well fed so that it won't just bite everything in the county but this one must have eaten up everything they had put in that trailer for him 'cause that possum hadn't ven hit the top of the water before that catfish jumped up and took the possum and the anchor fishhook and swallowed it whole, hook and all...

Any of you all ever owmned of driven in an AMC Gremlin??? Well they kinda light on their feet... Not as bad at Rufu's ol' Chevettes but light none the less... I belive there might be a Physics lesson in this dtory but nevermind that 'cause right then I had me a 40 foot catfish hooked on a possum and the two of us were connected by 'bout 70 feet of 300 pound stainless line...

Now nobody ver been fishin' that don't know that 300 pound test line ain't like 300 real pounds... There's some formula there that is a major secret that only folks who make fish line know but a 300 pound test line can be used to lift boxcars... So here this big ol' Tom and I me are riding down the ineterstate at 70 mph and I ain't gonna let go of my Start-o-Rod and my Right-as-Rain 500 Reel fir nuthin'... It gonna either me or that ornry sumabich catfish in the trailer... Ain't no compromise to be made here...

So I look over at Rufus and say, "Hey, Rufe, just come along side of it so it don't pull us, Retha may's Gremlin an all, over the top and we end up gettin' ran over by a tractor trailer with a 40 foot catfish in it and so he pulls over to the left of the rig and there we are riding just 20 feet apart with only a lane between us...

Okay, we'd rid 'bout 10 miles down the Interstate highway with the catfish now and then given me such a jerk that the left side wheeel of the Gremlin come off the pavement, then come back down and poor ol' Rufus hanging on but in rality the only thing that kept that Gremlin up was the 300 pound stainless between be an' Tom...

Okay, anyone been on that section of interstate between Buck Snort and Menphis... Well, it's 3 lanes and here we were in the far left lane and the tractor trailer in the far right...

So, I'z about arm weary by now and then Rufus leats out an "Oh, sheet fire" and so I look up and there ridi' in the middle lane is an ol' '76 'er '74 Dodge RV... "Hmmmmmm?" I remember sayin' just before both the Gremlin and the tractor trailer caught that ol' Dodge and that 300 pound stainless caught the back of that RV...

Ahhhh, you remmeber me talkin' 'bout being arm weary???

Well, here I was hanging on to my Strato with the Right-as-Rain 500 on my end with every thing I had and on the other end was a 40 foot MudTom in the back of a tractor trailer and the two of us have a '76 'er '74 Dodge tryin' to cut in on our dance.... In times like those things can happen fast an' so I can't begin to tell ya' all just how many things went thru my feeble mind but I weren't gonna loose my rod over this so humg on I did... An' so di that bigass MudTom but he din't have much choice seein' as he had a possum and my anchor-like fish hook lodged in his tummy...

Something had to give... Well, as Tom and I hald our ground that '76 'er '74 Dodge RV started to slow down both Tom and the tractor trailer and Retha May's Gremlin... 65...60...50...45...44...43... Man. it was like the brakes were lockin' up... Arm weary brought on a new meanin'...

Then 42....41....40....39....

Then.....

SWUSH!!!!

The RV sling-shoted past us about 100 mph's.... I mean, it was as if it had been shot outta a cannon... It went by tooo fast for either me or the MudTom to get a look at the driver but I'd bet thet he weren't havin' no more fun that me or Tom were havin'...

Well, the last we saw of that 76' 'er 74 Dodge RV it was probably 'bout half way to Memphis an' drivin'/flyin' at about 5000 feet...

There are times in life where a man has to say to himself, "maybe this wasn't the best of ideas..." so I looks over at Rufis, who by know is grippin' that Gremlin well so tight that it'd bring new meaning to white as in white knuckels.... Sho nuff would...

He says, "Come on, just let it go... I'll buy you anew rod and reel... Just let the sumabich go..."

So i just looked down at that Strat-o and Right-as-Rain and just let it go... An' then Rufus let off the gas and we watched as that Cletus Catfish Farm, Wilson, N.C. tractor trailer went on doen the road with my Strat-o-Rod and Right-as-Rain 500 bouncing off the interstate pavement until it just disappeared with that rod and reel still firmly attached to Tom's tummy and boucing off the road behind it... That's the way I remember it...

Followin' morning, I got up and went down to Jake's Place, right accross from the Peabody Hotel for breakfast and picked up a newspaper and there on the front page was a photograph of what was described as a UFO (unidentified flying object) flyin' over Memphis which had been taken by an kid doing a science project....

Over coffee and scambld eggs it looked like a '76 'er '74 Dodge RV to me but, hey???

But no matter... I didn't bother to enter that fish contest seein' as my Strat-o-Reel with the Right-as-Rain 500 was gone and I swore off tellin' any stories that weren't true and lastly, I swore off fishin' from Gremlins....

Bobert

Subject: RE: BS: Biggest Liar Competition Cumbria UK
From: Little Hawk
Date: 19 Nov 07 - 09:57 PM

Jeezus.

You're right, Bobert. Wes Ginny liars gotta be the world's champs. No contest.

Well, except maybe for Shane when he starts telling you about all his sexual conquests since he was age ten or thereabouts...

Pretty much a dead heat then. It would just be a question of who ran out of air first. Or beer. Or both.

Subject: RE: BS: Biggest Liar Competition Cumbria UK
From: GUEST,MAD JOCK
Date: 20 Nov 07 - 05:21 AM

IT WAS CANCELLED THIS YEAR COS THEY COULD NOT FIND THREE VIRGINS TO JUDGE IT.

Subject: RE: BS: Biggest Liar Competition Cumbria UK
From: Bobert
Date: 20 Nov 07 - 08:49 AM

Yup, L.H.... Air, beer and an' throw in a roll of duct tape an yer purdy much ready fir anything...

B~

Subject: RE: BS: Biggest Liar Competition Cumbria UK
From: GUEST,Auld Ritson
Date: 20 Nov 07 - 08:37 PM

It used to be that fishing stories weren't allowed any more than entries by politicians or lawyers, but I suppose standards have been lowered here just like everything else such as the hemlines on womens' skirts.

Did I ever tell you about the Monster Pike of Wast Water?

One spring morning Lanty Grayson was counting the lambs in his flock when he noticed that two of them were missing. Naturally he suspected the old grey fox that had taken some hens from Joss Wilson's yard a few days earlier, and that night he mentioned his suspicions to the company at the Wasdale Head Inn. Leal Joe Bellman was the huntsman of the Wasdale Hounds, and he said he would bring his pack round in the morning.

At dawn the next day Joe and a few followers turned up in hopes of a good chase since the "Auld Grey" had a good reputation as a crafty sporting fox. Joe lowsed his hounds as usual but none of them, not even Melody his champion bitch, could pick up a scent. Joe got a bit prickly as the same thing happened after several more attempts, and he cursed something fierce at young Jim Nelson for laughing at the sight of a few of the less disciplined hounds splashing in the waters of the lake. "Reckon Auld Grey 'as larned te swim," Jim chuckled, and the rest of the hunt thought he was lucky to escape a touch of Leal Joe's whip, never mind the lash of his tongue. Joe called off his hounds and they all made their way back to the Inn for a few drinks and some songs as well.

The following day Joss Wilson himself reported a missing lamb, so that night he and Lanty along with a few others sat up with their shotguns to keep watch. The Auld Grey was starting to cost them some money after all. Around two in the morning they heard a terrific commotion from the shore of the lake; Joss fired a shot at a a large black shape which he swore was twice the size of Betty Youdell's bull. The shape, or whatever it was, fell back into the lake, but search as they would they could find no trace of it. Young Jim said he saw a big fish swim away but he was still suffering from the few drinks he'd had the night before.

There were a couple of anglers from London staying at the Inn who took a boat out into the lake later that morning. Usually they were content to spend the day puffing on their pipes and admiring the views of the mountains all around them and occasionally catching a small bream or char which they threw back anyway. This morning they cast their lines as usual and settled back to smoke their pipes. Their peace was rudely shattered by a sharp tug on one of the lines which nearly pulled the boat itself under. They both grabbed hold of the rod as the line stretched taut and the whole reel ran out their boat was towed around the lake by their catch. The sight of the two city folk being taken for a rough ride by an invisible fish soon attracted a lot of spectators on the shore.

Joss, whose uncle had been to sea, declared that it must be a whale, while Lanty swore that it was definitely a crocodile. However the thrashings of the strange beast grew weaker and weaker and at last the boat came to a standstill out in the middle of Wast Water. The London anglers looked extemely pale, and they were far too weak and shaken to row back to the shore so Joss had attach a line to haul them in. Even so it took a team of his best heavy horse to bring the boat and its catch to the shore.

Once they were landed they could at last look on the beast of the lake. It was a 20 foot long pike with a nasty bullet wound in its side. When they opened it up they found Joss and Lanty's lambs as well as a few chicken bones. As soon as the landlord of the Inn heard of this he cursed out Joss Wilson something rotten for shooting it dead since he reckoned that The Wast Water Monster would have brought tourists in for years to come.

That monster pike had thrived in the deep and cold waters of the lake for years, living on the smaller fish until at last it had grown so big that it needed larger prey that it could only find on land. If it had lived a few more years who knows what else it might have preyed upon? And that's my story without a word of a lie.