BS: Speaking of Blowup Dolls...

Subject: BS: Speaking of Blowup Dolls...
From: Tweed
Date: 27 Dec 07 - 03:53 PM

I got this from a buddy in upstate NY a little while ago. It might already be on this mudcat board somewhere and mebbe some have seen it already...      

Christmas With Louise

As a joke, my brother used to hang a pair of panty hose over his fireplace before Christmas. He said all he wanted was for Santa to fill them.

What they say about Santa checking the list twice must be true because every Christmas morning, although Jay's kids' stockings were overflowed, his poor pantyhose hung sadly empty.

One year I decided to make his dream come true. I put on sun glasses and went in search of an inflatable love doll. They don't sell those things at Wal-Mart. I had to go to an adult bookstore downtown.

If you've never been in an X-rated store, don't go. You'll only confuse yourself. I was there an hour saying things like, "What does this do? You're kidding me! Who would buy that?" Finally, I made it to the inflatable doll section.

I wanted to buy a standard, uncomplicated doll that could also substitute as a passenger in my truck so I could use the car pool lane during rush hour.

Finding what I wanted was difficult. Love Dolls come in many different models. The top of the line, according to the side of the box, could do things I'd only seen in a book on animal husbandry. I settled for Lovable
Louise. She was at the bottom of the price scale. To call Louise a doll took a huge leap of imagination.

On Christmas Eve and with the help of an old bicycle pump, Louise came to life.

My sister-in-law was in on the plan and let me in during the wee morning hours. Long after Santa had come and gone, I filled the dangling pantyhose with Louise's pliant legs and bottom. I also ate some cookies and drank
what remained of a glass of milk on a nearby tray. I went home, and giggled for a couple of hours.

The next morning my brother called to say that Santa had been to his house and left a present that had made him VERY happy but had left the dog confused.   She would bark, start to walk away, then come back and bark some
more.

We all agreed that Louise should remain in her panty hose so the rest of the family could admire her when they came over for the traditional Christmas dinner.

My grandmother noticed Louise the moment she walked in the door. "What the hell is that?" she asked.

My brother quickly explained, "It's a doll."

"Who would play with something like that?" Granny snapped.

I had several candidates in mind, but kept my mouth shut.

"Where are her clothes?" Granny continued.

"Boy, that turkey sure smells nice Gran" Jay said, to steer her into the dining room.

But Granny was relentless. "Why doesn't she have any teeth?"

Again, I could have answered, but why would I? It was Christmas and no one wanted to ride in the back of the ambulance saying, "Hang on Granny, hang on!"

My grandfather, a delightful old man with poor eyesight, sidled up to me and said, "Hey, who's the naked gal by the fireplace?"

I told him she was Jay's friend.

A few minutes later I noticed Grandpa by the mantel, talking to Louise. Not just talking, but actually flirting. It was then that we realized this might be Grandpa's last Christmas at home.

The dinner went well. We made the usual small talk about who had died, who was dying, and who should be killed, when suddenly Louise made a noise like my father in the bathroom in the morning. Then she lurched from the panty hose, flew around the room twice, and fell in a heap in front of the sofa.

The cat screamed. I passed cranberry sauce through my nose, and Grandpa ran across the room, fell to his knees, and began administering mouth-to-mouth resuscitation. My brother fell back over his chair and wet his pants.

Granny threw down her napkin, stomped out of the room, and sat in the car.

It was indeed a Christmas to treasure and remember.

Later in my brother's garage, we conducted a thorough examination to decide the cause of Louise's collapse. We discovered that Louise had suffered from a hot ember to the back of her right thigh.

Fortunately, thanks to a wonder drug called duct tape, we restored her to perfect health.

Subject: RE: BS: Speaking of Blowup Dolls...
From: Bill D
Date: 27 Dec 07 - 04:00 PM

*big grin*

Subject: RE: BS: Speaking of Blowup Dolls...
From: Don Firth
Date: 27 Dec 07 - 04:02 PM

. . . Still breaking into uncontrollable guffaws! Thanks for posting that, Tweed!

I think my favorite Christmas story is Dylan Thomas's "A Child's Christmas in Wales," but this one is going to be right up there. That's a keeper!

Don Firth

Subject: RE: BS: Speaking of Blowup Dolls...
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 27 Dec 07 - 04:18 PM

Tweed.
Not sure if you are indeed a writer but perhaps, with your lucid and most comical portrayal of lifes events surrounding only one issue, you should consider writing an autobiography...albeit with much truth in it but maybe a few flowery, literary untruths to make it a 'best seller'.
Appreciated this little offering. Best wishes, Mike.

Subject: RE: BS: Speaking of Blowup Dolls...
From: Tweed
Date: 27 Dec 07 - 04:42 PM

Naw Mike, I didn't write that but sure wish that I did.
There was a long running thread here a few July 4ths ago that Spaw and Khandu and mebbe even CarolC were involved in that had blowup dolls featured. I don't know where it's got off to though...

Subject: RE: BS: Speaking of Blowup Dolls...
From: Charley Noble
Date: 27 Dec 07 - 04:55 PM

Tweed-

Well, thanks for sharing this story anyway!

Maybe we should consider an alternative housewarming gift for Sinsull's next party. She's getting tired of finding tiny nuns, where no nun has gone before!

Cheerily,
Charley Noble

Subject: RE: BS: Speaking of Blowup Dolls...
From: Tweed
Date: 27 Dec 07 - 05:03 PM

Here it is, Spaw's Flaming Asshole Gala story. It was laying in Spaw's 2004 Birthday thread.

Well it's over.......The first, and I hope last, Super Mind Altering and Semi-Patriotic Fireworks and Flaming Asshole Gala. I don't know why or how this stuff starts but anytime I use Cletus for anything, the one sure thing is that I'll end up with a long list of people wanting money from me. It started off so well............

The plan was simple. All we wanted to do was bring khandu back to his senses and knowing that a good cross burning might do the job, we started there. I mean hell, he's Mississippi boy and cross burning is a genetic trait. He had become a slave and a brown noser to, of all people, Joe Offer. Something had to be done. Somehow we got carried away. Tweed acquired through Bobertz, some Patty Poopchute and Harry Hardtool anatomically correct party dols and we thought we might possibly use them as well. It's my fault though.....Has anything ever gone right when Cletus, Paw, Buford, and the Reg boys are involved?

Paw went down to the lumber yard and liberated some skids and the Reg boys ripped them apart. The plan was to make 143 crosses with the skid wood and duct tape. Buford got involved and said the first one didn't look right to him. Why in the hell anything would look right to Buford is beyond me as the boy is always tanked up on Iron City and when he's not burping, he's whizzing on Mrs. Clanahan's peonies. But Paw agreed with him and they headed off to find a cross for a model. They ended up going to the Church of Evangelical Hollering and Tongue Talking Mohunkers where the good folks were happy to oblige. Of course the Rollers misunderstood the reasons here and, this being Good Friday and all, thought the crosses were being made for a religious ceremony and Paw told them to come by at 8 PM, or a little before so as to get a good seat. I wish he had told me........

About 3 PM the crosses were finished and the Boys started taking things up to the little picnic grove on 664 adjoining Ol' Man Rafferty's place. For all his faults, Rafferty is a religious old coot and was excited to see the crosses being erected on Good Friday. I guess he thought Cletus had turned over a new leaf. Paw went over to talk with him even though Rafferty still held him responsible for the destruction of his mailbox and a Buick hubcap after the Great Magnetic Ass-Healing Ring debacle. Paw commented on the new mailbox and hubcap while once again Rafferty was washing the aging Buick deuce and a quarter. Rafferty said he and his very religious wife would certainly be sitting out on their porch and it would be even better than going to Church as they had planned. Once again, I wish someone had told me..................

Since the Reg boys aren't any too talkative they were given the job of blowing up the Harry Hardtool dolls and stuffing their "tools" with Roman candles and bottle rockets (with whistle and report). It was a big job but they got it done. Meanwhile Cletus and Paw had filled the Patty Poopchute dolls with propane. They all worked together to drive the crosses into the ground and attached the Patty Poopchute dolls to the top. Cletus said they wouldn't be soaking the crosses in kerosene until just before they lit them which seemed okay to me.

I had arrived to check in on all of this at about 5:30 and truthfully, I was impressed at what they had accomplished! Now I knew that these good feelings were generally the portend of bad things to come, but the mind is a funny thing and we often forget the past in an effort to hold out hope for a new beginning. This seems to be what happened to me as I felt genuinely good about trying to bring this thing off and that perhaps, for once, Cletus, Paw, Buford, and the Reg boys may have gotten it right.   Once again, I should have relied on past experience.............

The crosses were in the ground on a slight embankment with a propane filled Patty Poopchute mounted atop each one. Leaning against the embankment and in front of each were the Harry Hardtool dolls with their dorks pointing skyward and filled with Roman candles and bottle rockets (with whistle and report). This is a pretty conservative little place so I thought maybe the dolls would be better if they were covered or clothed and I ask the Boys to do so and they told me they'd do it....."No Problem Spaw." That should have clued me in but it didn't. My other suggestion was that because a light breeze had come up, it might be good to tie the Harry Hardtools to something so they didn't blow away. Again, I don't know what the fuck I was thinking..................

I should now take this chance to thank those who so valiantly helped in this and I want to extend my thanks to them for their part in trying to save Brother khandu. Carol, Tweed, Young Will, even Bobertz.......You all did your jobs and performed magnificently. I cannot thank you enough and to prove it, I have kept your part in this as well as your names out of the Sheriff's report. Additionally, you are free to disavow any knowledge of me or that you were ever even within a hundred miles of here. You have to admit though, it was one helluav' show!

On the chance that we might need the services of the Neil Young Center for the Terminally Screwed, I asked for the Insanevac Chopper to be standing by. I spent the next few hours at home with Karen and the kids, eating supper and coloring Easter Eggs. When I heard the sound of the chopper I realized that several hours had passed and I was almost late for the show. I leashed up the two Weimaraners and headed for the park. Karen and the kids wanted to go but I suggested they stay home in case something went awry. This was the only good decision I made in the entire day. Besides, the "Royal Forkers" khandu had sent to surround my house had instead turned out to "mortar forkers" and had just completed the new barbeque out back and were busy working on a smokehouse. I told Karen it was better for her to keep an eye on them to be sure they were working according to plan. With Jaeger and Sissy happy to be going for a walk, I headed for the gala event.

When I arrived, a few things caught my eye right away, but it was too late to turn back. First, each Patty Poopchute doll had a purple robe like affair on them. I realized right away that the material had come from a hot air balloon that Cletus and Paw had accidentally shot down a few years ago (that's another story). Sitting atop the crosses in their purple robes, they were really quite attractive. Additionally, the Harry Hardtool dolls all were wrapped about waist with old towels in a loincloth sort of get-up. To keep the Harry dolls in place, they had tied each wrist to something or another which left their arms outstretched. Also, out front of everything was the biggest Dago Bomb I ever saw. It turns out Cletus and the Boys had bought it down in Tennessee on one of their trips south to a festival where they had contracted for the porta-potty business with their company, "Crappers on Casters." And....they had been good enough to park one of their C on C's about 50 feet to the left, over toward Rafferty's place. I stood for a moment and took it all in. Suddenly it hit me. In the purple robes and loincloths, with the outstretched arms and crosses, this looked like some Christian tableau from Hell! There they were, 143 Virgin Marys, atop 143 crosses, with 143 Jesus Christs below! My mind went numb as I began to realize that somehow this extravaganza was not going to go well at all.............

Before I could utter a word I saw Ol' Man Rafferty and his wife on their porch in prayer. About then the Church Bus bearing the members of the Church of Evangelical Hollering and Tongue Talking Mohunkers arrived in the grove.   They literally ran off the bus dropping to their knees. I tell you they went down faster than a cheap whore on a Liberian tanker. I was rapidly becoming almost paralyzed. I couldn't speak although I wanted to scream. The main thing I wanted to scream was "NO" but the best that came from my throat was a tiny croak like a dying frog with laryngitis. Not over yet though................

Tweed drove a van in and he and Carol emerged from the front with a look of trepidation on their faces as they took in the scene before them. Wrongly figuring that I had this planned, they opened the back doors and Will and Bobertz hopped out. They all four then removed khandu. Okay, it wasn't their fault they had to subdue him...I know that. And frankly it was very creative the way they had wrapped him up in duct tape from head to foot with only his eyes looking out. Even from where I was I could see he was mad. But I still thought that this cross burning gone haywire might cure him of his shameless brown nosing of Joe Offer. But the way he was wrapped reminded the church folk of Jesus in the tomb I guess, with the duct tape as a sticky Shroud of Turin. In any case they turned and started praying in that direction also. Tweed, Carol, Will, and Bobertz, were busy propping khandu up so he could see when I noticed that the Reg boys were liberally soaking the crosses and the ground in between with kerosene. I had to stop this...............

Cletus and Paw were all smiles, quite proud of what they had done and when I came stammering up to them they were a bit confused. I tried to somehow make them see what I saw but it wasn't working because my mind was moving faster than my mouth and these guys were never too sharp on the best of days. Each of the Weims was licking one of Paw's hands when I finally got through a bit to Cletus. After listening to the whole thing he said, "Don't worry Catspaw, even I know that Jesus had blonde hair and that guy don't look nothin' like him." This made no sense and once again I was so dumbstruck I was speechless. Cletus capped that with, "Besides look how happy Jaeger and Sissy are!"   After what seemed like an hour, but was probably only a few seconds of pondering that inanity, I blurted, "You stupid shit!! They're fucking DOGS!!!!" This didn't bother ol' Clete in the least and he and Paw walked off happily to get the show started. I swear to you all, I would have done anything to stop it, but the whole thing had moved not only beyond my control but into another dimension as well. From this point on, it seemed as though I watched what happened as a sort of out of body experience; just a casual observer noting the events unfolding.

In a scene like none imagined by Machiavelli it all began. Paw bent over by the crosses and flared off a monster fart. The flame shot across to the nearest cross, much like what happened in their Christmas tree disaster, and within seconds, 143 crosses were burning brightly. Cletus ran to the front and lit the monster Dago Bomb. There was one more realization to go though. Turns out they had tied the wrists of the Harry/Jesus dolls to the ankles of the Patty/Virgin Mary dolls which explained the outstretched arms. This realization only came to me as the flames ignited Patty/Mary's poopchute where the plastic was thinnest and melted first. The propane ignited and up they went......each dragging a Harry/Jesus behind. Maybe halfway to the top of their trajectory the flames ignited the Roman candles and bottle rockets in the Harry/Jesus dicks.

I gotta' tell y'all........It was a sight to behold. 143 Virgin Marys launched off of flaming crosses with their assholes trailing flame while 143 Jesus Christs ascended behind them, twirling gaily with their cocks spouting red, white, and blue balls and rockets (with whistle and report) screaming off in all directions followed by a series of bangs. Simply amazing. The church members lost all control and began flopping around on the ground, talking in tongues, and generally having a pretty good time. Rafferty's wife on the other hand seemed to be having a possible heart attack. But it gets worse..........

Cletus was so shocked at the sudden ignition of the crosses that in trying to get away from the Dago Bomb he knocked it on it's side. A massive fireball shot out and smashed underneath the porta-potty. Obviously they hadn't cleaned it or something and the methane fumes had built up. The crapper shot skyward too and the methane must have been in prodigious quantities as the fiery outhouse travelled over a mile before crashing through the roof of the condom factory, setting it ablaze. Several explosions have come from that direction and a paramedic attending Mrs. Rafferty said that a vat of latex had blown and completely covered the Church of Evangelical Hollering and Tongue Talking Mohunkers which is located just across the street.

The missing outhouse now opened the range and the Dago Bomb fired off another even more monstrous ball of fire. This time the charge landed underneath Ol'Man Rafferty's Buick and it blew up right there in his driveway. About this time the cops showed up and an ambulance was called for Mrs. Rafferty. Tweed, Carol, Bobertz, and Will were shell shocked as I was, but what was really important to us was our friend Ken. Had we brought him back? We quickly ripped the duct tape off removing small portions of skin and hair in the process. The church folks were gathering up the tape remnants which I suppose they think are now Holy Relics. I dunno' what the hell they're going to think when they arrive back at their church....which should be about now.

Khandu lay on the gurney and the anger was gone from his eyes. As a matter of fact, everything was gone from his eyes! He was completely catatonic. We loaded him aboard the NYCFTTS Insanevac Chopper for a trip to the new wing where the James Taylor Rehab Unit on Catatonic Blandness is located. We can just hope I guess.......

As for me, I foresee a long night of police and fire reports, possible fines, lawyer fees, and threats of incarceration, racing around my brain. Sweet Jesus, I need some drugs..............

Spaw

Subject: RE: BS: Speaking of Blowup Dolls...
From: Charley Noble
Date: 27 Dec 07 - 08:50 PM

Like wow!

Charley Noble

Subject: RE: BS: Speaking of Blowup Dolls...
From: SINSULL
Date: 27 Dec 07 - 08:56 PM

Someone left an anatomically correct inflatable sheep here a while back. No dolls please.

Subject: RE: BS: Speaking of Blowup Dolls...
From: katlaughing
Date: 27 Dec 07 - 09:46 PM

That Spaw is somethin', ain't he?

Thanks for the laughs, Tweed. Nice to *see* you around, again!

Subject: RE: BS: Speaking of Blowup Dolls...
From: Art Thieme
Date: 27 Dec 07 - 09:47 PM

You guys keep trying to pull the wool over my...

Art

Subject: RE: BS: Speaking of Blowup Dolls...
From: GUEST,Blind DRunk in Blind River
Date: 27 Dec 07 - 10:15 PM

Stay away from them cheap inflatible dolls, eh, cos they are no flippin' good! I'll tell ya why. First of all, they do not feel even slitely real. Secondly, they tend to bust when you least exspect it and you can fall on the floor and hurt yerself. I have gave up on them compleatly after the first couple tries becoz I am not stoopid.

What you gotta do is get one of the really flippin' expenisive ones that feel REAL, but fer that be re3ady to, like, lay out more than a few thousand $$$ in cash!

I figger it's a lot easier and cheaper to just crooze the Sudbury bars, eh?

- Shane

Subject: RE: BS: Speaking of Blowup Dolls...
From: GUEST,LTS incapable of work...
Date: 28 Dec 07 - 07:56 AM

Oh dear.. I think I may have just got myself sacked for laughing so hard when I'm supposed to be logging returns!

LTS

Subject: RE: BS: Speaking of Blowup Dolls...
From: SINSULL
Date: 28 Dec 07 - 07:59 AM

Shades of Red Firecracker Green Firecracker

Subject: RE: BS: Speaking of Blowup Dolls...
From: Tweed
Date: 28 Dec 07 - 09:42 AM

Hmmmm....A full day with a "Blowup dolls" thread title on the forum and still no sign of the Master...

Subject: RE: BS: Speaking of Blowup Dolls...
From: catspaw49
Date: 28 Dec 07 - 10:57 AM

Well Tweedster ol' Buddy, I arrived and saw you had kindly posted that tale and actually sorta' enjoyed reading it again myself!

I really need to crank out another story like telling about the balloon downing..................

Spaw

Subject: RE: BS: Speaking of Blowup Dolls...
From: Donuel
Date: 28 Dec 07 - 12:34 PM

Tweed, can I use that story for an episode on Malcome in the Middle ;)

Subject: RE: BS: Speaking of Blowup Dolls...
From: GUEST,Neil D
Date: 28 Dec 07 - 01:01 PM

I gotta girl with a little rubber head
take her out every night just before I go to bed


    OMFG Spaw that some of the funniest shit I ever read. My co-worker is giving me the squint eye trying to figure out why I'm rolling on the floor in laughter.
                                     Neil

Subject: RE: BS: Speaking of Blowup Dolls...
From: Tweed
Date: 28 Dec 07 - 01:27 PM

Use anything you want to Donuel, and if the attorneys start calling just mention my name. ;~)

And goddammit spaw...you know as well as I do that nobody here would have any interest in a new tale of yours regarding Paw, Cletus and the Reg Boys downing balloons for christ's sake...come on, really..

Subject: RE: BS: Speaking of Blowup Dolls...
From: JohnDun
Date: 28 Dec 07 - 05:15 PM

Just have to let you all know of the funniest TV episode of 'only fools and horses' - Danger UXD !! For those on the other side of the water, British sitcom about a family of traders of 'dodgy' goods. They buy a load of faulty self-inflating blow-up dolls but it's a short while before they find the fault is they are filled with propane.

Enjoy!!!!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RfyWfvNz9Z0

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RjNqZYplql0&NR=1

Subject: RE: BS: Speaking of Blowup Dolls...
From: Tweed
Date: 28 Dec 07 - 07:01 PM

Good lord! A brit sit-com writer has ripped Spaw's propane-poopchute Patti concept! Probably a danged Guest to boot. Must get to the bottom of this...

Subject: RE: BS: Speaking of Blowup Dolls...
From: Liz the Squeak
Date: 29 Dec 07 - 04:57 AM

So would someone like to explain the concept of blow-up dolls and 'Poopchute Patti' to the Limpit? She's nearly 12 and is curious about these things....

LTS

Subject: RE: BS: Speaking of Blowup Dolls...
From: catspaw49
Date: 29 Dec 07 - 05:57 AM

I'm suin'............What a crock! I'll have you know I stole that idea from a real world friend of mine!

When Bill was a kid, he and his brother would turn off the pilot light on the stove and fill plastic bags with gas. They would tie them shut and send them aloft out front........with a length of green fuse attached and lit! The bags would rise to some altitude and explode. For some reason, both are still alive to tell the tale, especially considering the quality of those bags back in the early 60's.

I'm sorry Liz but sex. ed. is a parent's responsibility...........

Spaw

Subject: RE: BS: Speaking of Blowup Dolls...
From: GUEST
Date: 29 Dec 07 - 06:03 PM

Well, Spaw, check out the "Spurs and Blowup Dolls" thread to read my comments on ... oh, wait a minute, that's another forum.

Subject: RE: BS: Speaking of Blowup Dolls...
From: Liz the Squeak
Date: 30 Dec 07 - 02:05 PM

Spaw - there's sex ed and then there's plain ole perversion therapy.... I've done the former, I reckon it's time for someone else to fill in the latter.

Closest thing my mother ever came to 'perverted' was taking her vest off before it was May.

LTS