BS: Religious Canvassers

Subject: Religious Canvassers
From: Jack Blandiver
Date: 24 Oct 08 - 05:33 AM

Whilst enjoying my Friday morning Mudcat, suitably hungover from the various pints of Bombadier I drank at The Steamer last night whilst enjoying the assembled company of The Fleetwood Folk Club celebrating the joys of collective ambrosia - or was it amnesia? Whatever the case, it was catching - although Rachel brought in her 7-minute Tam Lin without a hitch, likewise Ron's masterly Outlandish Knight... Anyhoo, here I am piecing together the shards of my shattered consciousness when there comes a knock at the door and - guess what? Religious Canvassers! As an unrepentant Neo-Gnostic Marxist-Jesuist Humanist with a deep love of the spiritual & cultural traditions of Three, Three, The Rivals, my immediate response was to tell them to Fuck off and Go to Hell before closing the door in their faces (problem with these UPVC doors is that they won't slam). I must confess to feeling that it might have been a tad churlish to send these cheerful door-to-door missionaries on their merry way, even if they were Jehovah's Witnesses, without offering at least a measure of common courtesy or hospitality, though hopefully our house number will now carry a black mark against it, yeah, even in The Book of Life.

How do you approach these people?

Subject: RE: Religious Canvassers
From: GUEST
Date: 24 Oct 08 - 05:37 AM

Say your interested that throws us. ;)
But a polite I'm not interested and we'll go away.

Not beliving in hell going to it would be pretty difficult. lol!

Subject: RE: Religious Canvassers
From: GUEST,The black belt caterpillar wrestler
Date: 24 Oct 08 - 05:52 AM

Some suggestions.

If they call when you have some free time you could engage in a debate with them and thereby stop them annoying somebody else who doesn't have the time; call it your good deed for the day!

My late mother usually managed to be weeding in the garden when they came. She agreed to listen to them as long as they helped her with the weeding; that way they did their good deed for the day.

Going back to first pricipals can be usefull when debating with them. Why do you need a creator? Why should a god be synonymous with creator, etc.

Have a pre-printed leaflet on behalf of the Humanists to hand.

Subject: RE: Religious Canvassers
From: GUEST,buspassed
Date: 24 Oct 08 - 05:52 AM

The JW's are invited to talk to my ficticious sister who I then call to, she used to belong to their sect and can tell them a few stories! I say, there is then a general speedy exit down our front steps!

The Salt Lake lot are asked how their relief work in Africa is going while offering them a MSF leaflet. As to the rest of the simpletons looking to recruit others to financially feather the nest of their Elders I tell them it's just been announced on the news that God has died of shame in various regions of Africa.

Wonder what Hell's like?

Subject: RE: Religious Canvassers
From: GUEST,Geoff the Duck
Date: 24 Oct 08 - 05:53 AM

I've had hours of fun with them. One particular sunny afternoon, I kept a pair of them talking up to the point when the rest of the troupe had covered all the neighbourhood, and then gathered in a group at the end of the garden, trying to attract the attention of the pair, so they could all get back into the bus and go home for their tea.
Be nice! They don't mean any harm, really...
Quack!
GtD.

Subject: RE: Religious Canvassers
From: Mr Happy
Date: 24 Oct 08 - 05:53 AM

I usually invite them in for a chat & try to convince them of the error of their ways!

Subject: RE: Religious Canvassers
From: Jack Blandiver
Date: 24 Oct 08 - 05:55 AM

The Hell I consigned them to was the Gnostic realm of material misery, which, one would hope, equates with trudging around the streets on a cold morning hassling the good townsfolk with beliefs straight out the mind of a madman. Much thanks they'll get for it - I dare say mine was one of the more polite responses!

Subject: RE: Religious Canvassers
From: GUEST,Shimrod
Date: 24 Oct 08 - 06:07 AM

Invite them in to chat about Darwin. If they try to foist religious tracts on you, tell them that you'll read their 'literature' if they'll read Richard Dawkins or Stephen Jay Gould; you usually can't see their feet for dust.

And if that doesn't work, refer to their particular sect as a 'cult' - that, at least, annoys them ("we are NOT a CULT!!!").

Subject: RE: Religious Canvassers
From: Les in Chorlton
Date: 24 Oct 08 - 06:13 AM

As an eternal botherer for the Labour Party, yes I know, I know, I have some sympathy with these people. I would never give to Christian Aid, preferring Oxfam or Amnesty but after a couple of bruising incidents collecting door to door for Amnesty I decided anybody who collects door to do deserves something or other.

As for the god botherers seeking my soul I am not convinced of the point of discussion, religion is what people decide to have through faith - not evidence.

I liked the idea of god alive and well but working on a far less ambitious project, but dying of shame in Africa, we might add Europe etc. is excellent.

Chiz
L in C

Subject: RE: BS: Religious Canvassers
From: quokka
Date: 24 Oct 08 - 06:18 AM

My mother once let in two Mormons accidentally - she looked after children and was expecting one of them to be picked up by his father, so when the knock came she says,"Come on in, John, I'll be there in a second," so they come in and sit down in the lounge which has:

A picture of the Sacred Heart complete with electric candle in front;

A bronze engraving of the Last Supper;

An oil painting of the Last Supper;

Several prints of the Pope (JPII), some of which are framed;

A two-foot high statue of the Virgin Mary (on rotation from the Parish - everyone gets to keep it for a week or something)

A Holy Water font by the front door, filled;

The Family Bible, complete with wooden stand;

A large wooden Celtic Cross;

I'm sure there were other things as well, but suffice to say I don't know who was trying to convert whom. They stayed for a cup of tea, and never came back, although they did go to other houses in our street after that. (Oh, and if anyone recognises the loungeroom description please don't tell Mum!)

*g*

Cheers,

Quokka

Subject: RE: BS: Religious Canvassers
From: Les in Chorlton
Date: 24 Oct 08 - 06:20 AM

Good call Shimrod,

Darwin, Dawkins and Gould, read em all so much joy - I would through in Jacob Brownowski for good measure. I think The God Delusion is one of the most incisive, well written and funny books I have read, and re-read in a long time.

Chiz

L in C

Darwin, Dawkins and Gould sound a bit like a '70s soft rock band - I think I have an album of those.

Subject: RE: BS: Religious Canvassers
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 24 Oct 08 - 06:41 AM

We Are the Other People

:-)

Subject: RE: BS: Religious Canvassers
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 24 Oct 08 - 06:45 AM

And then if you are on a train and they "want to testify"...

Crazy Train or Emotional Subway Attack

:-)

Subject: RE: BS: Religious Canvassers
From: Les in Chorlton
Date: 24 Oct 08 - 06:53 AM

Excellent stuff Foolestroupe but from where I stand, militant atheist, I am not clear how your collection of beliefs, which clearly I don't really know, are based in any more or less evidence than the people of the book(s).

I like the idea of using the bible as a source and making the point that it is as much my / our book as it is the book of the believers.

L in C

Subject: RE: BS: Religious Canvassers
From: Emma B
Date: 24 Oct 08 - 07:04 AM

I live out in the sticks at the very edge of a village with no facilities.

If any JW get this far (and they do) I usually invite them to a drink and the use of the toilet.
This is more in keeping with 'my' beliefs rather than slamming the door in their faces and I've had some interesting chats about Gaia too.

Subject: RE: BS: Religious Canvassers
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 24 Oct 08 - 07:41 AM

Don't assume they are MY beliefs Les -

I got those links from a friend...

:-0

Subject: RE: BS: Religious Canvassers
From: Les in Chorlton
Date: 24 Oct 08 - 07:59 AM

Fairenoughski Foolestroupe

Subject: RE: BS: Religious Canvassers
From: SINSULL
Date: 24 Oct 08 - 08:05 AM

Lately the Baptists have taken to parading their children door to door early on Saturdasy to recruit attendees for Sunday AM services. The kids are cute so I don't say anything nasty but I do make a point of answering the door half dreesed and only partially awake. They usually recoil in horror and leave.

Subject: RE: BS: Religious Canvassers
From: SINSULL
Date: 24 Oct 08 - 08:10 AM

Quokka,
Does the statue of the virgin unscrew to reveal an oversized rosary? We passed one of them around the neighborhodd when I was in the third grade. She was kept in a lace lined shoe box. Long story.

Subject: RE: BS: Religious Canvassers
From: quokka
Date: 24 Oct 08 - 08:11 AM

I'm not surprised if you go about half dreesed! Imagine what they'd do if you were fully dreesed - call the cops, probly....*bg*

Subject: RE: BS: Religious Canvassers
From: Bryn Pugh
Date: 24 Oct 08 - 08:17 AM

A former colleague told me this one :

Whilst she was still with her husband, they found out that the god-botherers - JWs - were in the locality.

He stripped to the pelt and waited for the door to be knocked.

Opening it - stark, bollock naked, you understand - he asked the god-botherers 'Can I help you ?', and while they were struggling for breath, he says over his shoulder 'Shan't be long, my love -

don't go away, will you ?'.

It seems that JWs couldn't get off the doorstep quick enough ; and even if the tale is apocryphal, it still makes me smile.

Subject: RE: BS: Religious Canvassers
From: Gedi
Date: 24 Oct 08 - 08:19 AM

That's a good one Foolestroupe, I am eternally grateful that I don't have to put up with those shenanikins on my daily commute.

With reference to the JW, I tried the "I am a Satanist" approach, but all it did was to bring forth a lengthy discourse on what the bible says about satan! I was very disappointed I can tell you.

I once had a long conversation with one guy who was quite nice really. I asked what would happen at the end of the world and he said that all those who had been good would be returned to live on the Earth. I said 'what, everyone who has ever lived in all history who has lived a good life? Won't it be a bit crowded?' The reply came that someone had worked out that there would be about 1 square foot of space for each person. I think I managed to keep a straight face, but I can't be sure.

Subject: RE: BS: Religious Canvassers
From: quokka
Date: 24 Oct 08 - 08:21 AM

I must be in a rilly silly mood today - I just saw the phrase "virgin unscrew..." and descended into giggles. Sorry. I don't think anyone would have been game to decapitate the VM to see what goodies she had inside! The more I think about this, the weirder it seems. There is a statue of the VM in our city that supposedly sheds tears,they keep trying to get the Vatican interested in it, tests show it's a mixture of olive oil and rose oil or something. I think the church authorities are a bit sceptical now. Lots of people go to see it, though.

Subject: RE: BS: Religious Canvassers
From: GUEST,number 6
Date: 24 Oct 08 - 08:25 AM

I usually listen to what they have to say ... even sometimes invite them in for conversation and debates. It can be interesting and we usually end up having some good hearty laffs. I don't feel threatened by them in the least bit.

I'm a non-believer but am always curious as to what the 'believer' beleive in ... I'm mean how can you be a non-beleiver if you are ignorant of what the 'believers' believe in.

They're just peeple, and we are all peeple sharing this great big world.

biLL

Subject: RE: BS: Religious Canvassers
From: Mr Happy
Date: 24 Oct 08 - 08:27 AM

........& some've told me only 4,040 people were allowed to enter the kingdom of heaven, I commented tht it didn't seem very democratic.

Response being god's not democratic!

Not a good selling point IMO

Subject: RE: BS: Religious Canvassers
From: Michael
Date: 24 Oct 08 - 08:34 AM

I like Vin Garbutt's response:- "I'd rather not be a witness, I'm quite happy being a bystander"

Mike

Subject: RE: BS: Religious Canvassers
From: Peter K (Fionn)
Date: 24 Oct 08 - 08:38 AM

Slamming the door is a bit much. GtD's approach is better, but he is mistaken when he says these people mean no harm. Dawkins has argued convincingly, and in fairly scientific terms, that religions as viruses of the mind.

Better than any book cited so far is God is not Great by Christopher Hitchens, of whom Richard Dawkins wrote: "If you are a religious apologist invited to debate with him, decline." Reviewing the book, Dawkins added: "With characteristic effrontery, Hitchens took his book tour through the Bible Belt states - the reptilian brain of southern and middle America, rather than the easier pickings of the country's cerebral cortex to the north and down the coasts. The plaudits he received were all the more gratifying."

Subject: RE: BS: Religious Canvassers
From: Zen
Date: 24 Oct 08 - 09:09 AM

I'm never rude to them. On a number of occasions I've chatted to them and invited them in for a cup of tea. On other occasions... "Can't chat for long I'm afraid... I've got to leave in a minute and...". Usually we can find something to agree about. Once, one poor soul was soaked to the bone and freezing and was very grateful to come in for tea and a sandwich and a respite from the cold.

Zen

Subject: RE: BS: Religious Canvassers
From: SINSULL
Date: 24 Oct 08 - 09:21 AM

I did invite one lady in once. She had no sense of humor and wished to speak about nothing but the bible. All questions were answered with bible quotes. It was a bit like dealing with Walkabout and his life's work.

Subject: RE: BS: Religious Canvassers
From: Deckman
Date: 24 Oct 08 - 09:38 AM

I feel NO requirement to be at all polite, quite the opposite. To get to my house doorbell, they have to walk through THREE signs that say: "NO SOLICITING OR BIBLETHUMPERS!"

If I'm outside by the street when they greet me, I just smile and give them the finger. If they dare to ring my doorbell, I rush at them, cussing loudly in Finnish, and laugh as they run away ... true.

Recently a large church of these believers, JW, was built in my neighborhood. They now feel it is their provence to canvass my neighborhood every Sunday. I have called the cops on them in the past ... you'd think they'd learn! Bob(deckman)Nelson ((I'm really a nice guy))

Subject: RE: BS: Religious Canvassers
From: Midchuck
Date: 24 Oct 08 - 09:50 AM

Make them welcome!

Preach to them! Of the glories of Great Cthulhu!

Peter

Subject: RE: BS: Religious Canvassers
From: Bill D
Date: 24 Oct 08 - 01:16 PM

I live near BOTH the JWs and the Mormons (near the BIG east coast Mormon Temple)...I discovered that one good way to get rid of them is to mistake one for the other! I called Mormons JWs, and they almost turned purple.
Followers of God have their principles!

Subject: RE: BS: Religious Canvassers
From: Stilly River Sage
Date: 24 Oct 08 - 02:19 PM

Like Bob, I feel no obligation to be polite to people who feel obligated to foist their religion on the rest of the world. They walk right up to the door with a sign that says

No soliciting
This includes No Church Stuff

and assume that it doesn't apply to them.

I don't swear and slam the door, but I do make it clear that I find their attitude and presumption contemptible.

SRS

Subject: RE: BS: Religious Canvassers
From: kendall
Date: 24 Oct 08 - 02:52 PM

I had two Mormon types come to my door and I allowed them to finish their presentation. When they were done, one of them asked me if I had any questions about Mormonism. I said, "Yes, one question, why did Brigham Young order the massacre of 120 innocent pioneers on their way west at a place called Mountain Meadows"? They were horrified! They said, "What? I never heard of such a thing. Where did you get that story"? I assured them it was the truth, but they said, "We will find out about this and get back to you."
That was 9 years ago.I'm still waiting.

Subject: RE: BS: Religious Canvassers
From: GUEST,Volgadon
Date: 24 Oct 08 - 03:02 PM

Being one of the 'Salt Lake lot', as you put it, not only did I not feather my nest, but I sunk quite a bit of money into a mission.
If asked how the relief effort in Africa was going, i would reply very well, thank you. Measles vaccinations and children's nutrition being two examples that spring to mind, not to mention that I spent my spare time for 2 weeks helping put together first aid kits to be sent to Africa. Would have done more, except that I don't live in the States, or anywhere else near one of our welfare centres.

I had absolutely no problems with people not wanting to listen. I would bid them a good day and go elsewhere. If there were any signs that said no canvassing, I wouldn't knock there. However, I saw no reason to be offensive to us when a striaght no would suffice.
My purpose was not to find people to argue with, or to browbeat with my message, bit of a waste of time.

Subject: RE: BS: Religious Canvassers
From: Joe Offer
Date: 24 Oct 08 - 03:11 PM

Like quokka, sometimes I heap on the Catholic traditional stuff, and they're immediately convinced I'm going to hell. Funny how they can stand only their own brand of religiosity.
And if I can get away with it, I take a social-justice liberal Catholic tack, which is closer to my True Self and convinces them even more strongly that I'm doomed to hell. I think they'd rather deal with atheists. I never argue with them - I just try to beat them to the punch.
-Joe-

Subject: RE: BS: Religious Canvassers
From: wysiwyg
Date: 24 Oct 08 - 03:13 PM

Because I have a window right next to the curtained door, I know the minute I open the top half of the inner door what is on the step waiting for me, and I have this down to a science.


First, I remind myself that my response is NOT about anything other than getting on with my day without adding any negative energy to the universe-- it's not about "getting even," making a point, teaching them something, etc., and it is most certainly NOT about protecting myself because have nothing to fear.

So I smile and take charge of the interaction across the dutch door. "Hi, did you bring me some literature?" (reaching for it). They aren't trained for that opening!!! I take the proffered items with a smile and say, confidently, "Thanks! I'll look forward to looking at it when I get back from church. I see it has phone numbers if I want more information, so please don't come back. Have a great day!" (sincerely) (closing door politely)

They do not know what to say to this, so they leave for YOUR house. And they never have come back, knocked again, tried to extend the interaction, etc..

Hey, try it my way.

~Susan

Subject: RE: BS: Religious Canvassers
From: Emma B
Date: 24 Oct 08 - 04:00 PM

While I'm not a christian of any (apparently) conflicting denomination I find the Judaic avice to

'Do not forget to entertain strangers, for by so doing some people have entertained angels without knowing it.'

is OK by me

Subject: RE: BS: Religious Canvassers
From: Wesley S
Date: 24 Oct 08 - 04:05 PM

Would turning the other cheek be out of the question?

Subject: RE: BS: Religious Canvassers
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 24 Oct 08 - 04:09 PM

My house is situated a quarter-mile back in the woods. There's a sign posted on our driveway up near the road that says:

WARNING!

This is a CLOTHING OPTIONAL homestead.
If you are offended by nudity, do not enter.


Works every time.

Subject: ADD: Jehovah's Windows
From: Acorn4
Date: 24 Oct 08 - 04:28 PM

This one's about a Jehovah's witness who sells double glazing:-

JEHOVAH'S WINDOWS

1.Who's that knocking at my door?
Is that the knock I dread?
They always call when you're in the shower
Or half asleep in bed
They say they've come to take away
Your money and your sins
As you watch the milk of human kindness
Go running down their chins.

2."We happened to be in the area"
That's what they always say,
And grin at you as if to say:-
"This is your lucky day-
We've come about your windows
That you need to replace;
And we've got our foot inside your door,
And our hands inside your brains."

Chorus:

So , come and buy Jehovah's windows,
Sign on the dotted line,
Give us your soul, your money,
Until the end of time.
Why don't you surrender, Why put up a fight?
Just open up Jehovah's windows,
So you can see the light.

3.Now your existing windows,
They really are the pits,
They'll take with them your walls and roofs
When they fall to bits,
Followed by that fitted kitchen that we sold to you
So climb up onto the watchtower
And get a grandstand view.

It's no good trying a gentle hint,
We have no sense of shame;
We'll carry on patronising you
While your dinner goes up in flames-
We get a fat commission when all is signed and sealed
And a timeshare villa in Heaven
On completion of the deal

Chorus:

So, come and buy...

Don't think you can slam that door,
That would be in vain,
We'll just crawl down the chimney pot
Or wriggle through the drain,
We'll seep through any orifice,
You're not safe on the loo
'Cos like gremlins we'll swim round the bend
And grab a hold of you..

You can say that you're a Hindu,
An agnostic or the Pope,
But we're the universal salesmen
And we never give up hope.
We'll never leave 'til your resistance goes without a trace,
And you're left all double-glazed
Just like the expression on your face.

Final chorus:-

So, come and buy...

Subject: RE: BS: Religious Canvassers
From: topical tom
Date: 24 Oct 08 - 05:35 PM

Many years back when I was much younger and more naive I allowed in two pretty and charming JW's one Sunday morning. I was still in my house-coat but they were not deterred by this.They spent two hours and a half (I kid you not!) explaining how to be "saved" and the dire consequences of not becoming so.They assured me that this was the last age-the world would end shortly.I certainly took the lesson to heart.From then on I simply said, "I'm not interested. I am saved." I do accept the "Watchtower";our front door is close to the recycle box.Though I have been on several occasions, I am not rude to them.They are essentially good people who genuinely believe in their mission. I do not.

Subject: RE: BS: Religious Canvassers
From: GUEST,Shimrod
Date: 24 Oct 08 - 05:52 PM

Midchuck!

Ia! Ia! Shub niggurath!!

Subject: RE: BS: Religious Canvassers
From: LilyFestre
Date: 24 Oct 08 - 10:01 PM

We had persistent folks come to the house when I was a kid. My step father was rude and to the point with them frequently. They continued to come back. Then one day he let our German Shepard and Dobermen meet them at the door (screen door closed, of course) and it scared them enough that they never came back.

In college, I shared an apartment with my 2 closest pals. There were these 2 Mormon guys about our age, so we humored them, listened to their deal, asked questions and shared our beliefs with them. We would invite them for lunch and just had fun getting to know them. We went to church with them once....it wasn't for any of us. I have photos of these guys and several fond memories.

Subject: RE: BS: Religious Canvassers
From: Deckman
Date: 24 Oct 08 - 10:07 PM

I have ALWAYS felt it is the ultimate in arrogance to EVER speak to anyone else of your religion, unless you are asked. Any student of life knows just how dangerous religions are ... can you possibly count the numbers of deaths that have happened in the name of "religion"? Bob(deckman)Nelson

Subject: RE: BS: Religious Canvassers
From: Stilly River Sage
Date: 24 Oct 08 - 10:44 PM

We had an English pointer that used to lunge at my mother's front door when strangers were on the porch. The door had 16 panes, the four on the bottom ended up replaced with extra strong glass because of this dog.

We were in the habit of shutting him in the upstairs stairwell when people came to the door, because of his barking and lunging. Two men, Jehovah's Witnesses, arrived, Mom opened the door, and when they indicated their business she declined to talk to them and closed the door. But one of them actually stuck his foot in the door to prevent her.

I walked over to the stairwell and let the dog out. They were gone in a flash.

SRS

Subject: RE: BS: Religious Canvassers
From: Donuel
Date: 24 Oct 08 - 10:59 PM

When a group calls at my door holding a bible and beaming mega smiles I always wish I had some FX make up or mask that would appear to start blistering or melting as I stared at their outstretched bible screaming.

I think it would give them a sense of accomplishment.

Subject: RE: BS: Religious Canvassers
From: Barry Finn
Date: 25 Oct 08 - 02:17 AM

When they came by one day the dog was quicker than I was & it got out the door & started barking. I knew the dog was being friendly but they didn't so I said in a panicked voice "DON'T ANYBODY MOVE"! They froze while I got hold of the dog by the collar & the dog & I went inside when I turned back to the door they were headed down the street.
Another time I worked with 3 brothers, they were brought up as witnesses & said next time when they approach tell them that you've been shunned (they aren't allowed to talk with those that have been shunned). I tried it & they did a U-turn at the the head of the driveway.

Barry

Subject: RE: BS: Religious Canvassers
From: quokka
Date: 25 Oct 08 - 04:24 AM

Have a recording ready of Monty Python's Life of Brian - the bit where the old guy keeps saying "Jehovah" at the stoning.

Subject: RE: BS: Religious Canvassers
From: Jack Blandiver
Date: 25 Oct 08 - 04:49 AM

Great stuff one and all. Next time they come a-calling - I think I'll just tell 'em to fuck off and go to hell!

Remember: They Can't All Be Right, But They Can All Be Wrong...