BS: 6 Truths of Life

Subject: BS: 6 Truths of Life
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 29 Oct 09 - 10:04 AM

6 Truths of Life:




1. You cannot touch all your top teeth with your tongue.







































2. All idiots, after reading the first truth, will try it.










3. And discover that the first truth is a lie.










4. You're smiling now because you're an idiot.










5. You soon will forward this to another idiot.










6. There's still a stupid smile on your face.














I apologise about this.
I'm an idiot too and I needed company.

Subject: RE: BS: 6 Truths of Life
From: Tug the Cox
Date: 29 Oct 09 - 10:09 AM

A variant of 'no-one cn lick their elbow' ( I saw someone sctually do it on TV the other day.)

Subject: RE: BS: 6 Truths of Life
From: katlaughing
Date: 29 Oct 09 - 11:05 AM

Thanks for the smile...I will enjoy looking like a idiot today!

;->

Subject: RE: BS: 6 Truths of Life
From: SINSULL
Date: 29 Oct 09 - 11:35 AM

I can't lick them all at once - am I still an idiot?

Subject: RE: BS: 6 Truths of Life
From: meself
Date: 29 Oct 09 - 11:42 AM

I can touch all my top teeth with my tongue. Does that make me an idiot?

Subject: RE: BS: 6 Truths of Life
From: TheSnail
Date: 29 Oct 09 - 11:50 AM

How about touching someone else's top teeth with your tongue?

Another good one is "Nobody can touch their elbows together behind their back." Select your victim according to taste.

Subject: RE: BS: 6 Truths of Life
From: Ed T
Date: 29 Oct 09 - 11:56 AM

If you can lick your eyebrows, don't do it in public.

Subject: RE: BS: 6 Truths of Life
From: CarolC
Date: 29 Oct 09 - 12:09 PM

I am touching all of my top teeth (and all of my bottom teeth) with my tongue right now. Does that make the person who said I couldn't an idiot?

Subject: RE: BS: 6 Truths of Life
From: CarolC
Date: 29 Oct 09 - 12:10 PM

Oops. I read it wrong. Does that make me an idiot?

Subject: RE: BS: 6 Truths of Life
From: Bryn Pugh
Date: 29 Oct 09 - 12:22 PM

It is impossible to fart and to cough simultaneously.

Subject: RE: BS: 6 Truths of Life
From: Rapparee
Date: 29 Oct 09 - 01:13 PM

Some of my upper teeth are fakes and my upper Wisdom Teeth have been removed. So I can't touch all of them with my tongue.

As for licking your eyebrows -- this can make you VERY popular in certain bars.

Subject: RE: BS: 6 Truths of Life
From: McGrath of Harlow
Date: 29 Oct 09 - 02:59 PM

What top teeth?

Subject: RE: BS: 6 Truths of Life
From: GUEST,leeneia
Date: 29 Oct 09 - 11:25 PM

Naturally we all had to see if we can do it.

That doesn't make us idiots. That makes us pragmatic and empirical. What more could anyone ask?

Subject: RE: BS: 6 Truths of Life
From: wysiwyg
Date: 30 Oct 09 - 08:32 PM

7. When someone informs you that you have passed the idiot test, quite often they are not qualified to assess your level of idiocy at all. :~)

THEN who de foo?

~S~

Subject: RE: BS: 6 Truths of Life
From: GUEST,biff
Date: 30 Oct 09 - 09:51 PM

no one cares

you always do it wrong

god is punishing you

your parents sucked

it gets worse

tax time


or


something more positive
sorry
i heard bad news today

Subject: RE: BS: 6 Truths of Life
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 31 Oct 09 - 04:48 AM

I just assumed the first bit was true. Did you know that there is no such word as 'gullible' in the dictionary?

:D (eG)

Subject: RE: BS: 6 Truths of Life
From: VirginiaTam
Date: 31 Oct 09 - 05:50 AM

I am touching all of my top teeth (and all of my bottom teeth) with my tongue right now. Does that make the person who said I couldn't an idiot?

does it make you an idiot? Don't know, but it might make you very popular.

I can do it too.

Subject: RE: BS: 6 Truths of Life
From: Janie
Date: 31 Oct 09 - 08:01 AM

big smile.








Now, this IS true.   With her dentures removed, my grandmother could bend her chin upwards and touch the tip of her nose with the tip of her chin.

Subject: RE: BS: 6 Truths of Life
From: catspaw49
Date: 31 Oct 09 - 08:14 AM

"I am touching all of my top teeth (and all of my bottom teeth) with my tongue right now. Does that make the person who said I couldn't an idiot?

Does it make you an idiot? Don't know, but it might make you very popular."

Not really. BUT if you can lick your eyebrows we need to talk!

Spaw

Subject: RE: BS: 6 Truths of Life
From: VirginiaTam
Date: 31 Oct 09 - 08:24 AM

If I didn't already have the SEXIEST man in England, and if I was so talented, then I could be batting freshly washed eyelashes at Spaw, who runs a close second to Sexy (dare I say it) Brits. But not quite as close as Bobert.   It must be the boy from home (Virginia) thing.

Subject: RE: BS: 6 Truths of Life
From: Will Fly
Date: 31 Oct 09 - 09:01 AM

Who said you can't fart and cough at the same time...

Subject: RE: BS: 6 Truths of Life
From: Janie
Date: 31 Oct 09 - 11:21 AM

Don't know about you, Will Fly, but the older I get, the harder it is fart and cough at separate times!

Subject: RE: BS: 6 Truths of Life
From: Abdul The Bul Bul
Date: 31 Oct 09 - 11:33 AM

Janie..you said it for me. x
Al

Subject: RE: BS: 6 Truths of Life
From: wysiwyg
Date: 31 Oct 09 - 12:40 PM

And NEVER trust a fart.

~S~

Subject: RE: BS: 6 Truths of Life
From: Will Fly
Date: 31 Oct 09 - 01:49 PM

Don't know about you, Will Fly, but the older I get, the harder it is fart and cough at separate times!

My feelings exactly! The worst thing ever happened was when, walking across a large room to meet some visitors, a fart popped out at every step... That was an "Oh bugger!" moment.

Involuntary farts are the 7th truth of life.

Subject: RE: BS: 6 Truths of Life
From: VirginiaTam
Date: 31 Oct 09 - 04:13 PM

lovely... what i have to look forward to.

Subject: RE: BS: 6 Truths of Life
From: Mr Happy
Date: 31 Oct 09 - 07:55 PM

What mystifies me is, why would anybody want to do those contortions listed above??

Subject: RE: BS: 6 Truths of Life
From: Janie
Date: 31 Oct 09 - 08:21 PM

Well, Granny BB didn't really want to touch her chin to her nose, but her young grandkids were so deliciously grossed-out by it, that if there were enough of us spending the night with her, and we begged long and loudly enough, she would occasionally oblige at bedtime, when the teeth came out.

And no contortions are involved in simultaneously coughing and farting. It is simply what begins to happen more and more naturally after...say...age 50 or so.

Subject: RE: BS: 6 Truths of Life
From: Mr Happy
Date: 31 Oct 09 - 09:00 PM

Aye & sneezing & farting's possible too!

Subject: RE: BS: 6 Truths of Life
From: Janie
Date: 31 Oct 09 - 10:01 PM

I can visualize my ineffective eHarmony profile now

57 year old pleasingly pump female, good-looking in her younger days only she didn't know it then. Recently divorced. Intelligent, articulate, crude hillbilly humor about bodily functions and noises. Finds fart-jokes funny. Loves books, music, the natural world and gardening. Can sort-of-sing real good. Heavy smoker but always takes it outside. Unrepentant liberal. Extremely introverted but not at all shy. Find men with pickup trucks or utility trailers that can haul mulch, compost and topsoil particularly appealing.

Subject: RE: BS: 6 Truths of Life
From: GUEST,CLETUS HARDDINGER
Date: 01 Nov 09 - 11:44 AM

Miz Janie, I think yu mite bee juz rite for my friend Paw. We hang out together a lot an I think yu could fit rite in See, Paw aint never had no reel gurl an hiz blowup gurl got ripped up awhile back. Yu mite remebur thizzeer tale thet our buddy Catspaw rote about when we first met him. I think it sez a lot bout Paw.

Reminds me of when I first met Cletus, Paw, and Buford. They turned up selling Christmas trees.......interesting trees........much like y'all are discussing here............

I had noticed an area on Rt. 664 just outside of our little village being carefully prepared and roped off as I drove by and every now and then there were these three guys working there, building a little shed and driving stakes into the ground about 6 feet apart. It finally dawned on me that they were getting ready to sell Christmas trees. Now I have always gotten ours from the same place for years, but the prices were getting pretty steep so I kept an eye out for new sources. The day they put up the lights, I stopped by to see when they'd be bringing the trees in.

As I got out of the van I couldn't help but notice that these three, from all appearances, were a bit "down on their luck" and it made me want to help them out a bit. Cletus came up to me and introduced himself and I asked about the trees. He was glad to tell me all about them in that way which I've since learned to interpret. At that time however all I could seem to understand was that they were "working on them." These many years later, that kind of phrase would set off alarms, but I didn't know Cletus then so I thought it was just an odd hilljack way of phrasing things. Paw came over and I liked the old guy a lot right away. He said he'd seen me before and I remembered something about the sewage plant and the day it exploded. I couldn't place what it was that this guy had to do with it but the correlation seemed quite vivid. I shook his hand and he farted in return.

I had never met anyone who was quite so casual with flatulence. Paw used it almost as punctuation......."How ya' doin'?" (rriippp) "Purty day ain't she?" (bbraawwmmpp)..........Let's say it took some getting used to and made it easy to understand why this old coot could probably not find gainful employment. But for all that, he was a friendly cuss who told me they called him Paw because he was from Paw-Paw, West Virginia. He pointed out the other fellow named Buford who was involved in extricating himself from a string of Christmas lights that seemed to have attacked him. Even from a distance, the unmistakable smell of Iron City brew was pretty strong. I figured he spilled about the same amount on himself as he drank and I later found this to be not only true, but the amounts involved were prodigious.

All in all, I couldn't help but like them even if they were, well, let's just call them odd and drop it right there. They told me the trees would be in and they'd be open for business on Friday at 6 PM. I left shaking my head at the idea of bringing Karen and the kids to "pick out the tree" as was so traditional with our family. What the hell? We can at least check them out.

On Friday afternoon Karen and I were going into Lancaster and as we passed by I pointed out the place, not that it was really necessary to point. I'd never seen anything quite so garish in my life but it was one of those gray Ohio days, very cold and occasionally spitting snow so perhaps it was the contrast......perhaps not. Karen was making comments about the place, but as we drove past we could both see the trees that were now in place quite well. Surprisingly enough, they looked magnificent! All were very full and perfectly shaped and a greener bunch of Christmas trees I'd never seen. Even at 65 mph, Karen saw one on the far end of the first row that she said was absolutely "the one!" Since she and our kids were going to spend the night with Connie and go shopping on Saturday, I promised her I'd stop back and get the tree and forget the tradition for one year.

So on my return trip I looked at my watch and saw that I'd arrive about the time Cletus told me they would open and sure enough, I was the first one there. Cletus, Paw, and Buford, greeted me as a long lost friend. They were really in the Christmas Spirit and offered me some of their "spirits." Friends, there is 'Shine and then there is 'Shine and whatever it was they had in the Mason jars was not. I found out later that this was a homebrew of their own and made not from corn, but soybeans, and distilled through an old radiator off a Mack. Luckily I only tasted it, but that single gulp went down like a 4-stage rocket, taking my breath away, and immediately starting to bore a hole in my stomach. After the coughing subsided I gave them the common courtesy line you use upon tasting any 'Shine..........."Smooth!"

They were all adorned themselves with some of the seediest Santa hats I had ever seen and were ready for business. They said I was the first customer and I nodded appreciatively while glancing about at the trees. Even up at a closer viewing they seemed almost perfectly formed and beautifully green and I thought the light snow must be the reason they glistened so under the glaring bulbs. It was dark now and the temperature had dropped to about 25 with a nasty northwesterly blowing in a chill from Alberta. My eyes were no longer crossed from the 'Shine and I slowly became aware that something was odd about the trees. They weren't moving at all. Not a branch, not a needle, absolutely nothing was moving although the breeze was pretty stiff. Paw commented on the weather and let fly an air biscuit as I walked over to the tree Karen had seen earlier. I reached out to touch it and it was positively stiff!

I felt several branches and the whole thing down to the smallest needle was like glass. I put a little extra pressure on a needle and it shattered in my gloved hand. What the hell was this anyway? Cletus came up and asked how I liked them as Paw and Buford tossed wood in a barrel to start a warming fire. I said I thought these were real trees, but they seemed to be artificial. Cletus protested they were real.......and recycled. Once in awhile you hear sommething that is so completely ridiculous that it takes some time before you can absorb the fact that the speaker is completely serious.

Recycled Christmas trees............

My mind was slowly opening to the sound of Cletus' voice proudly telling the tale of how they collected them last year and then formed them up, glued in branches with rubber cement, gave them several coats of shellac, painted them with spray cans of "Yew Be Green" epoxy, and topped the job off with several coats of lacquer. Recycled.......uh................yeah............

I stared at the tree. I stared at Cletus. I stared at the tree. I stared at Cletus. I stared at the tree. I stared at Cletus. Cletus noticed I was a bit pale and pulled me by the arm over to the shed where Paw and Buford had finished filling the barrel and were dumping gasoline onto the contents. Cletus said that I should have another drink and then Paw asked if I was cold. I nodded vacantly, my mind still unable to absorb the insanity which surrounded me. Then I heard Cletus say, "Hey Paw, show him how we light a fire."

With that, Paw bent over pointing his butt at the barrel, Buford held a Zippo to his ass, and Paw ripped a monster of a fart, something akin to a Cherry Bomb in it's magnitude. An enormous flame shot out of his ass and ignited the barrel which flared high in the air. But it was a truly huge blaster and the flames not only ignited the barrel, but the nearest recycled Christmas trees. Coated as they were with such a combustible mixture, they didn't catch fire, they friggin' exploded! Bits of flaming plastic-like shards went flying away on the wind to explode the next tree, and the next, and the next. Within 30 seconds the remnants of every tree was flaming brightly and in less than a minute the flames were gone and 50 smoldering sticks were all that remained. None of us had moved and Paw was still bent over and looking over his shoulder at the charred remains of their business.

The next day when I picked Karen up, we stopped at our usual place and picked out a lovely Frazier Fir. I had told her the story and that I figured that here was a case where a single fart may not have saved the world, but at least did save 50 home fires. We stopped at their place and the boys were cleaning up the mess and told us it probably meant a Christmas that would be a little bleak for them. Karen is a kind soul and right then and there invited them to our place for Christmas Day. She said they should come early and maybe Santa will have left something for them and that they would be welcome for Christmas dinner too. As we drove home I tried to explain that this probably wasn't a great idea but Karen felt pretty bad for them and they had cheerfully accepted her invitation.

On Christmas morning they arrived at 6 AM and the day went downhill from there. But that's another story.

So no matter how bad it is and how you feel, there is always a friend out there for you. Even if you're obnoxious, nasty, and haven't bathed in a month, there is always the chance that if you can light a good fart, miracles will occur.

Spaw

Now iffen yu want ta git together with Paw juz let me no

CLETUS HARDDINGER

Subject: RE: BS: 6 Truths of Life
From: Janie
Date: 01 Nov 09 - 12:06 PM

LOL!!!!

I'd never heard the tale of how Spaw came to be acquainted with that fine crew!.



Depends, Cletus. Is his truck running?

Subject: RE: BS: 6 Truths of Life
From: Slag
Date: 01 Nov 09 - 04:27 PM

The word "idiot" has to do with identity. The id and the ego are two psychological terms used to describe the human psyche (pardon the redundancy). In ASL the sign for "I" and the sign for first person singular is the pinkie finger extended upwards and the others folded downward. If you extend both pinkie fingers upward in this manner and tap the heels of your hand together you have just made the ASL sign for "idiot", ie, the self talking to the self. This is somewhat akin to feeling the top row of your teeth and the bottom row of your teeth with your tongue at the same time to prove a simple point which you already knew to be untrue at the time you read it.

Next time, tell a member of the opposite sex (if that is your pleasure) that you can feel all of their upper teeth with YOUR tongue at the same time. Take your time and explain that you are counting each one to be sure you didn't miss any. She ( or he) may think you are an idiot but so what?

Next, if you extend the middle finger and the forefinger upward and the others downward, you have made the letter "vee" in ASL. If you invert this configuration you have made the symbol for a man or a woman standing. From this position you can demonstsrate "walk" by making a walking motion with the same; "Ride" by straddling the edge of your other hand and "sitting" by bending the middle knuckle of the two finger at about a 90 degree angle.

If you make another "vee" with your other hand and hold both "vees" horizontally and tap them together rapidly you have made the ASL symbol for... well, let's just say that your counting of that other person's teeth may lead to this configuration. If you are still thinking about the term "idiot" well, I will leave that up to you.

Subject: RE: BS: 6 Truths of Life
From: Bryn Pugh
Date: 02 Nov 09 - 05:52 AM

Will Fly-

"Who said you can't fart and cough at the same time ?"

I did. See above.

Subject: RE: BS: 6 Truths of Life
From: fat B****rd
Date: 02 Nov 09 - 03:23 PM

Who sang 'How Sweet To Be An Idiot' ?

Subject: RE: BS: 6 Truths of Life
From: GUEST,Guest from Sanity
Date: 02 Nov 09 - 05:18 PM

Truths of Life: The 'opinions' often expressed on the Mudcat Forum, especially those where science and politics are mixed, as truth, are actually believed by the idiots, promoting them!!!!