BS: Hoo Flung Dung

Subject: RE: BS: Hoo Flung Dung
From: olddude
Date: 22 Dec 09 - 09:26 PM

A atheist businessman decided to open a disco business right opposite a church. The church started a petition to stop the disco from opening and the congregation prayed daily against the disco business.

One day a violent lightning struck the disco and it was burnt to the ground before the construction was completed.

The businessman sued the church on the grounds that the church through its congregation and prayers was ultimately responsible for the demise of his disco business, either through direct or indirect actions or means.

In its reply to the court, the church members denied all responsibility or any connection that their prayers were reasons to the destruction of the disco building.

As the case made its way into the high court, the judge looked over the paperwork at the hearing and commented: "I don't know how I'm going to decide this case, but it appears from the paperwork, we have an atheist businessman who believes in the power of prayer and we have an entire church congregation that doesn't."

Subject: RE: BS: Hoo Flung Dung
From: olddude
Date: 22 Dec 09 - 09:23 PM

A Christian lady who lived next door to an atheist

There was a Christian lady who lived next door to an atheist. Every day, when the lady prayed, the atheist guy could hear her. He thought to himself, "She sure is crazy, praying all the time like that. Doesn't she know there isn't a God?"

Many times while she was praying, he would go to her house and harass her, saying "Lady, why do you pray all the time? Don't you know there is no God?" But she kept on praying.

One day, she ran out of groceries. As usual, she was praying to the Lord explaining her situation and thanking Him for what He was gonna do. As usual, the atheist heard her praying and thought to himself, "Humph! I'll fix her."

He went to the grocery store, bought a whole bunch of groceries, took them to her house, dropped them off on the front porch, rang the door bell and then hid in the bushes to see what she would do. When she opened the door and saw the groceries, she began to praise the Lord with all her heart, jumping, singing and shouting everywhere! The atheist then jumped out of the bushes and told her, "You ol' crazy lady, God didn't buy you those groceries, I bought those groceries!" At hearing this, she broke out and started running down the street, shouting and praising the Lord.

When he finally caught her, he asked what her problem was. She said, "I knew the Lord would provide me with some groceries, but I didn't know he was gonna make the devil pay for them!"

Subject: RE: BS: Hoo Flung Dung
From: olddude
Date: 22 Dec 09 - 09:21 PM

There was this Christian lady who had to do a lot of traveling for her business, so she did a lot of flying. Flying made her nervous, so she always took her Bible along with her to read and it helped relax her. One time on an airplane, she was sitting next to a man. When he saw her pull out her Bible, he gave a little chuckle and went back to what he was doing.

After awhile, he turned to her and asked, "You don't really believe all that stuff in there, do you?"

The lady replied, "Of course I do. It is the Bible."

He said, "Well, what about that guy that was swallowed by that whale?"

She replied, "Oh, Jonah. Yes, I believe that, it is in the Bible."

He asked, "Well, how do you suppose he survived all that time inside the whale?"

The lady said, "Well, I don't really know. I guess when I get to heaven, I will ask him."

"What if he isn't in heaven?" the man asked sarcastically.

"Then you can ask him," replied the lady.

Subject: RE: BS: Hoo Flung Dung
From: olddude
Date: 22 Dec 09 - 09:19 PM

A man enters a bar and sits next to a Baptist.

Man: "See that man on TV, standing on the ledge?"

Baptist: "Yes."

Man: "He's going to jump."

Baptist: "No, he's not. Pray with me."

Man: "Okay, but let's bet, just to make it interesting. Here's twenty."

Baptist: "You're on. Jesus will save him." Puts down his money. "Now let's pray."

They pray.

The guy on TV takes a dive.

Baptist: "Well, a bet's a bet. Here." Shoves his money down the bar.

Man: "I can't take your money. I've got to tell you; I saw this news program earlier."

Baptist: "Yeah, I saw it too, but I thought we could save him this time."

Subject: RE: BS: Hoo Flung Dung
From: olddude
Date: 22 Dec 09 - 09:02 PM

A priest wanted to go to the post office, so he asked a little boy the way. The boy took him to the post office.

The priest said to the boy, "Thank you. Come to the church tomorrow and I will show you the way to Heaven."

The boy turned and said, "But you don't even know the way to the post office."

Subject: RE: BS: Hoo Flung Dung
From: olddude
Date: 22 Dec 09 - 09:00 PM

A drunk and a preacher were driving up a mountain side in different vehicles. The drunk was swerving from side to side; the preacher was driving straight and true.

All of a sudden, the preacher lost control and drove off the edge of a cliff. The drunk noticed the preacher going off the edge, so he stopped his car and went to see if he was all right. He noticed the preacher was climbing up the hillside.

He yelled down at the preacher, "Are you alright?"

And the preacher replied, "Have no fear my son, I had the Lord riding with me."

The drunk then yelled back, "You had better let him ride with me next time. cuz your gonna get him killed!"

Subject: RE: BS: Hoo Flung Dung
From: olddude
Date: 22 Dec 09 - 08:58 PM

Paddy Fitzgerald had worked in a timber yard for five years and all that time he'd been stealing the wood and selling it. At last his conscience began to bother him and he went to confession to repent.

He told the priest. "Father, it's five years since my last confession, and I've been stealing wood from the timber yard all that time."

"I understand my son," says the priest. "Can you make a Novena?"

Fitzgerald said, "Father, if you have the plans, I've got the timber!"

Subject: RE: BS: Hoo Flung Dung
From: olddude
Date: 22 Dec 09 - 08:55 PM

An old country preacher had a teenage son, and it was getting time the boy should give some thought to choosing a profession. Like many young men, the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do, and he didn't seem too concerned about it.

One day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try an experiment. He went into the boy's room and placed on his study table three objects: a Bible a silver dollar, and a bottle of whiskey.

"I'll just hide behind the door," the old preacher said to himself, "and when he comes home from school this afternoon, I'll see which object he picks up. If it's the Bible, he's going to be a preacher like me, and what a blessing that would be! If he picks up the dollar, he's going to be a businessman, and that would be okay, too. But if he picks up the bottle, he's going to be a no-good drunkard, and, Lord, what a shame that would be."

The old man waited anxiously, and soon heard his son's footsteps as he entered the house whistling and headed for his room. He tossed his books on the bed, and as he turned to leave the room he spotted the objects on the table.

With curiosity in his eye, he walked over to inspect them.

Finally, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm. He picked up the silver dollar and dropped it into his pocket. He uncorked the bottle and took a big drink.

"Lord, have mercy," the old man whispered, "he's gonna be a Congressman!"

Subject: RE: BS: Hoo Flung Dung
From: John MacKenzie
Date: 22 Dec 09 - 04:39 PM

A priest from Ireland was assigned to a Texas diocese.

One morning, Father O'Malley rose from his bed.
It was a fine spring day in his new Texas mission parish.
He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside.
He then noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of his front lawn.
He promptly called the local police station. The conversation went like this:
"Good morning, this is Sergeant Jones, how might I help you?"
"And the best of the day te yerself. This is Father O'Malley at St. Brigid's.. There's a jackass lying dead in me front lawn. Would ye be so kind as to send a couple O yer lads to take care of the matter?"

Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit, replied with a smirk, "Well now Father, it was always my impression that you people took care of last rites!"
There was dead silence on the line for a long moment.
Father O'Malley then replied: "Aye, 'tis certainly true, but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin."

Subject: RE: BS: Hoo Flung Dung
From: Little Hawk
Date: 22 Dec 09 - 11:45 AM

Bill, I heard that same joke with a different punchline...but you have to tell the early part of the joke slightly differently so as to set it up properly. The preacher doesn't see the "before" part, he only sees the "after" part. Anyway the punchline is...

"Ahh..." says the farmer wryly..."Well...ye shoulda seen it when He had it to Hisself!"   ;-)

********

All religions, of course, do commonly state that "God helps those who help themselves." One would interpret this to place the responsibility on us humans to do our bit, rather than just sitting around and waiting for a divine hand to somehow set things right. We become the instruments of God when we decide to, but if we do nothing, then nothing happens (except the inevitable results of entropy...which are deterioration and breakdown). It requires effort to resist entropy. Whether there is something that could be termed "God" wich assists us in our efforts is endlessly debatable. As you and I well know. ;-)

I think of God as "life" or "the indwelling spirit of life" (a form of living energy and consciousness that enlivens all living things and sustains them), so it's quite clear to me that the life force within me is what enables me to do everything I do. Still...I have to decide to do something or it doesn't happen, regardless of the presence of the life force within me.

I can decide to do absolutely nothing. If so, then the life within me will presently abandon my body and I will "die". That is, my body will die. What happens to "me" remains uncertain. It depends on whether I am my body...or the consciousness within it. I think I am the consciousness within it, but not the body itself. I think the body is just something like a biological mechanism that I am using at the moment as an instrument to experience this embodied life. And that's temporary.

I have no way of proving it. ;-) No one has any way of disproving it either. And that's okay with me. I can comfortably live with not knowing how to prove or disprove something like that.

Subject: RE: BS: Hoo Flung Dung
From: Bill D
Date: 22 Dec 09 - 11:25 AM

A farmer purchases an old, run-down, abandoned farm with plans to turn it into a thriving enterprise. The fields are grown over with weeds, the farmhouse is falling apart, and the fences are collapsing all around.

During his first day of work, the town preacher stops by to bless the man's work, saying, "May you and God work together to make this the farm of your dreams."

A few months later, the preacher stops by again to call on the farmer. Low and behold! It's like a completely different place - the farm house is completely rebuilt and in excellent condition, there are plenty of cattle and other livestock happily munching on feed in well-fenced pens, and the fields are filled with crops planted in neat rows. "Amazing!" the preacher says. "Look what God and you have accomplished together."

"Yes, Reverend," says the farmer, "but remember what the farm was like when God was working it alone."

Subject: RE: BS: Hoo Flung Dung
From: Bill D
Date: 22 Dec 09 - 11:22 AM

A farmer was out plowing one day, when his son ran up to the tractor excitedly.

"Daddy, there's some preacher come to visit, and Momma wants you to come in and meet him" The farmer said "Son, I have to finish here, but I need your help. Go back inside and tell mom that I'll be there in a little while; find out which preacher it is; and do this:

If it's the Catholic priest, hide the bottle of wine.

If it's the Lutheran minister, hide the cookie jar with Momma's butter and egg money in it.

And if it's the Baptist preacher, you sit on Momma's lap until I get there!"

Subject: RE: BS: Hoo Flung Dung
From: Bill D
Date: 22 Dec 09 - 11:12 AM

ahhh...religion humor!
Very old Mutt & Jeff cartoon: (I wish I had saved the original)

Little Jeff comes running into the bar where Augustus Mutt and several friends are sitting.

"Hey, Mutt...do you remember old Crippled Charlie""

"Why sure, Jeff...what about him?"

"Well, he just took a drink from 'The Fountain of Faith', and threw his crutches away!"

"Wow! Where is he now?"


"Flat on his back in the alley...." (drawing of old coot waving his arms and cussing)

Subject: RE: BS: Hoo Flung Dung
From: Bryn Pugh
Date: 22 Dec 09 - 05:11 AM

In the land of a thousand arseholes,
By the Inn of the Drooping Tit -
There sits a Chinese maiden
By the name of Hoo Flung Shit.

Her lover sat beside her
Playing a mandeleero.
He cocked his leg around her neck
And piddled in her ear'ole.

Don't clap, just throw money.

Subject: RE: BS: Hoo Flung Dung
From: Little Hawk
Date: 22 Dec 09 - 12:12 AM

Har! Har! Har! Wonderful! This is the best joke thread in a long time around here.

Subject: RE: BS: Hoo Flung Dung
From: olddude
Date: 21 Dec 09 - 10:07 PM

A Miracle?

Father O'Malley was driving down to Boston when got stopped for speeding in Medford. The highway patrol officer smelled alcohol on the priest's breath and then saw an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.

He said, 'Father, have you been drinking?'

'Only water', replied Father O'Malley.

The policeman asked, 'Then how come I can smell wine?'

The priest looked at the bottle and said, 'Good Lord! He's done it again.'

Subject: RE: BS: Hoo Flung Dung
From: olddude
Date: 21 Dec 09 - 10:05 PM

Know your Ten Commandments
Henry, who was very elderly, was unhappy because he had lost his favourite hat. Instead of buying a new one, he decided he would go to church and steal one out of the entrance porch when the worshippers were busy praying.

When Henry arrived at the church an usher intercepted him at the door and took him to a pew where he had to sit and listen to the entire sermon on 'The Ten Commandments.'
After the service, Henry met the vicar in the vestibule doorway, shook his hand vigorously, and told him, 'I want to thank you Father for saving my soul today. I came to church to steal a hat and after hearing your sermon on the 10 Commandments, I decided against it.'

The vicar answered, 'You mean the commandment ' Thou shall not steal' changed your mind?'
'No, 'retorted Henry, 'the one about adultery did. As soon as you said that, I remembered where I had left my old hat.'

Subject: RE: BS: Hoo Flung Dung
From: olddude
Date: 21 Dec 09 - 08:50 PM

A man flops down on a subway seat next to a priest. The man's tie is stained, his face is smeared with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin is sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opens a newspaper and begins reading.

After a few minutes the guy turns to the priest and asks, "Say, Father, what causes arthritis?"

"Loose living; cheap, wicked woman; too much alcohol; and contempt for your fellow man," answers the priest.

"I'll be damned," the drunk mutters, returning to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he said, nudges the man and apologizes. "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to be so harsh. How long have you had arthritis?"

"Oh, I don't have it, Father. It says here that the Pope does."

Subject: RE: BS: Hoo Flung Dung
From: olddude
Date: 21 Dec 09 - 08:49 PM

The new priest is nervous about hearing confessions, so he asks the older priest to sit in on his sessions. The new priest hears a couple confessions, then the old priest asks him to step out of the confessional for a few suggestions.

The old priest suggests, "Cross your arms over your chest, and rub your chin with one hand......and try saying things like, 'I see', 'yes', 'go on', and 'I understand'. "

The new priest crosses his arms, rubs his chin with one hand and repeats all the suggested remarks to the old priest.

The old priest says, "Now, don't you think that's a little better than slapping your knee and saying, "No shit?.... what happened next?"

Subject: RE: BS: Hoo Flung Dung
From: olddude
Date: 21 Dec 09 - 08:13 PM

The Rabbi's Confessional


A priest was called away for an emergency. Not wanting to leave the confessional unattended, he called his rabbi friend from across the street and asked him to cover for him. The rabbi told him he wouldn't know what to say, but the priest told him to come on over and he'd stay with him for a little bit and show him what to do. The rabbi comes, and he and the priest are in the
confessional.

In a few minutes, a woman comes in and says, "Father, forgive me for I have sinned.

The priest asks, "What did you do?"

The woman says, "I committed adultery."

Priest: "How many times?"

Woman: "Three times."

Priest: "Say two Hail Marys, put $5 in the box, and go and sin no more."

A few minutes later, a man enters the confessional. He says, "Father, forgive me for I have sinned."

Priest: "What did you do?"

Man: "I committed adultery."

Priest: "How many times?"

Man: "Three times."

Priest: "Say two Hail Marys, put $5 in the box, and go and sin no more."

The rabbi tells the priest that he thinks he's got it so the priest leaves.

A few minutes later, another woman enters and says, "Father, forgive me for I have sinned."

Rabbi: "What did you do?"

Woman: "I committed adultery."

Rabbi: "How many times?"

Woman: "Once."

Rabbi: "Go do it two more times. We have a special this week, three for $5."

Subject: RE: BS: Hoo Flung Dung
From: olddude
Date: 21 Dec 09 - 08:10 PM

The 2000 member Baptist church was filled to overflowing capacity one Sunday morning. The preacher was ready to start the sermon when two men, dressed in long black coats and black hats entered thru the rear of the church.

One of the two men walked to the middle of the church while the other stayed at the back of the church. They both then reached under their coats and withdrew automatic weapons.

The one in the middle announced, "EVERYONE WILLING TO TAKE A BULLET FOR JESUS STAY IN YOUR SEAT!"

Naturally, the pews emptied, followed by the choir. The deacons ran out the door, followed by the choir director and the assistant pastor.

After a few moments, there were about 20 people left sitting in the church. The preacher was holding steady in the pulpit.

The men put their weapons away and said, gently, to the preacher, "All right, pastor, the hypocrites are gone now. You may begin the service."

Subject: RE: BS: Hoo Flung Dung
From: Little Hawk
Date: 21 Dec 09 - 12:15 PM

Heh! Heh!

Subject: RE: BS: Hoo Flung Dung
From: John MacKenzie
Date: 21 Dec 09 - 11:22 AM

Lo, Daniel was cast out into the desert for forty days and forty nights.
One day he chanced upon a young maiden, drawing water from a well.
Daniel she said, I am heavy with child by thee, what steps art thou going to take?
Fucking great big ones said he, and disappeared back into the desert.

Subject: RE: BS: Hoo Flung Dung
From: olddude
Date: 20 Dec 09 - 10:49 PM

Oh the last one was how to get rid of Jehovah witnesses

SIGNS YOUR AMISH TEEN IS IN TROUBLE

10. Sometimes stays in bed till after 5:00AM.

9. In his sock drawer, you find pictures of women without bonnets.

8. Shows up at barn raisings in full "Kiss" Makeup.

7. When you criticize him, he yells, "Thou sucketh!"

6. His name is Jebediah, but he goes by "Jeb Daddy."

5. Defiantly says, "If I had a radio, I'd listen to rap!"

4. You come upon his secret stash of colorful socks.

3. Uses slang expression: Talk to the hand, cause the beard ain't listening."

2. Was recently pulled over for "driving under the influence of cottage cheese."

1. He's wearing his big black hat backwards.

Subject: RE: BS: Hoo Flung Dung
From: olddude
Date: 20 Dec 09 - 10:46 PM

1. Answer the door naked and carrying weaponry. (immediate results)

2. Pretend to be the slowest talking person in the world and see how long their spirit of charity lasts.

3. Answer every one of their questions with "What do you mean by that?" This might take a while, but you and your loved ones can have fun placing bets on how long it takes for them to get flustered and leave.

4. Ask them to reconcile Revelation 1 and 22 for the "Alpha & Omega's" identity (Jesus or God), repeat constantly. You may have to resort to another method to actually get rid of them, but this will definitely make them sweat.

5. Excuse yourself from your sitting room (or wherever) ...and don't come back.

6. Make a series of increasingly reprehensible fake phone calls. (booky, order for pornography, drug deal, obscene call, and if they are STILL there, a tearfull confession to the police for the murder of the last Witnesses who visited you.)

7. Pick an oft-repeated word in their lexicon (God, Jesus, heaven, it, the etc.) and giggle whenever they utter it. If they ask you what's going on, say "nothing, why?" in very even tones, and giggle again.

8. Same as #7, except say "beep" instead of giggling.

9. (males only) Feign an intense interest in their speil. Part way through, begin putting on make-up, hosery, a dress, the whole works. (make encouraging noises [uh huh, I see...] throughout and if they ask you what you're doing, pull a #7) If they're still there when you are done, Ask them if they would please kindly leave as you have a hot date in ten minutes.

10. Look smug and tell them that your God can beat up their God.

Subject: RE: BS: Hoo Flung Dung
From: olddude
Date: 20 Dec 09 - 10:43 PM

A married man goes to confessional and says to the priest, "Father, I had an affair with a woman... almost."

"What do you mean almost?" question the priest.

"Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped."

"Rubbing together is the same as putting it in," explains the priest. "You're not to go near that woman again. Now, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box."

The man leaves confessional, says his prayers, and then walks over to the poor box. He pauses for a moment and then decides to leave. The priest quickly runs over to the man and exclaims, "I saw that... you didn't put any money in the poor box!"

"Well Father, I rubbed up against it and, like you said, it's the same as putting it in!"

Subject: RE: BS: Hoo Flung Dung
From: olddude
Date: 20 Dec 09 - 10:42 PM

There's this old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish who kept confessing to adultery. One Sunday, in the pulpit, he said, "if I hear one more person confess to adultery, I'll quit!"

Well, everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word. Someone who had committed adultery would say they had "fallen". This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well, until the priest died at a ripe old age.

About a week after the new priest arrived, he visited the Mayor of the town and seemed very concerned. The priest said, "you have to do something about the sidewalks in town. When people come into the confessional, they keep talking about having fallen."

The Mayor started to laugh, realizing that no-one had told the new priest about the code word. Before the mayor could explain, the priest shook an accusing finger at the Mayor and said, "I don't know what you're laughing about, Your wife fell three times this week."

Subject: RE: BS: Hoo Flung Dung
From: olddude
Date: 20 Dec 09 - 10:41 PM

A husband and wife attend a small service at the local church one Sunday morning. The man was very moved by the preacher's sermon, so he stopped to shake the preacher's hand. Reverend, that was the best damn sermon I ever did hear!"

The Reverend replied, "Oh! Why, thank you sir, but please, I'd appreciate it if you didn't use profanity in the Lord's house."

"I'm sorry Reverend, but I can't help myself... it was such a damn good sermon!"

The Reverend replied, "Sir, please, I cannot have you behaving this way in Church!"

"Okay Reverend, but I just wanted you to know that I thought it was so damn good, that I put $5,000 in the collection plate."

The Reverend's eyes opened wide as he remarked, "No Shit!"

Subject: RE: BS: Hoo Flung Dung
From: olddude
Date: 20 Dec 09 - 10:40 PM

This elderly couple is watching one of those television preachers on TV one night. The preacher faces the camera, and announces, "My friends, I'd like to share my healing powers with everyone watching this program. Place one hand on top of your TV and the other hand on the part of your body which ails you and I will heal you."

The old woman has been having terrible stomach problems, so she places one hand on the television, and her other hand on her stomach. Meanwhile, her husband approaches the television, placing one hand on top of the TV and his other hand on his groin.

With a frown his wife says, "Ernest, he's talking about healing the sick, not raising the dead."

Subject: RE: BS: Hoo Flung Dung
From: olddude
Date: 20 Dec 09 - 10:39 PM

A woman in Brooklyn decided to prepare her will and make her final requests. She told her rabbi she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered all over Bloomingdales.

"Why Bloomingdales?" asked the rabbi.

"Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week."

Subject: RE: BS: Hoo Flung Dung
From: olddude
Date: 20 Dec 09 - 10:28 PM

LOT 'S WIFE:

The Sunday School teacher was describing how Lot's wife looked back and turned into a pillar of salt, when little Jason interrupted, "My Mommy looked back once while she was driving," he announced triumphantly, "and she turned into a telephone pole!"

GOOD SAMARITAN:

A Sunday school teacher was telling her class the story of the Good Samaritan. She asked the class, "If you saw a person lying on the roadside, all wounded and bleeding, what would you do?"

A thoughtful little girl broke the hushed silence, "I think I'd throw up."

DID NOAH FISH?

A Sunday school teacher asked, "Johnny, do you think Noah did a lot of fishing when he was on the Ark?"

"No," replied Johnny. "How could he, with just two worms

Subject: RE: BS: Hoo Flung Dung
From: olddude
Date: 20 Dec 09 - 10:26 PM

Three nuns
were attending a cubs baseball game. Three men were sitting directly behind them...

Because their habits were partially blocking the view, the men decided to badger the nuns hoping that they'd get annoyed enough to move to another area. In a very loud voice, the first guy said, "I think I'm going to move to Utah.. there are only 100 nuns living there."

Then the second guy spoke up and said, "I want to go to Montana! There are only 50 nuns living there..."

The third guy said, "I want to go to Idaho. There are only 25 nuns living there!"

One of the nuns turned around, looked at the men, and in a very sweet and calm voice said, "Why don't you go to hell? there aren't any nuns there!"

Subject: RE: BS: Hoo Flung Dung
From: olddude
Date: 20 Dec 09 - 10:25 PM

A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?

The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, and even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound; a sound like no other that he has ever heard. The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, We can't tell you. You're not a monk.

The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way. Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the same monastery.

The monks again accept him, feed him, and even fix his car.

That night, he hears the same strange mesmerizing sound that he had heard years earlier.

The next morning, he asks what the sound was, but the monks reply,

We can't tell you. You're not a monk.

The man says, All right, all right. I'm dying to know. If the only way I can find out what that sound was, is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?

The monks reply, you must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles. When you find these numbers, you will become a monk.

The man sets about his task. Some forty-five years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery. He says, I have travelled the earth and devoted my life to the task demanded and have found what you had asked for. There are 371,145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth.

The monks reply, Congratulations, you are correct and now you are a monk

We shall now show you the way to the sound.

The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, the sound is behind that door.

The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked. He asks, May I have the key?

The monks give him the key, and he opens the door.

Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone. The man requests the key to the stone door.

The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. He demands another key from the monks, who provide it. Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire. And so it went until the man had gone through doors of emerald,...

...silver, topaz, and amethyst.

Finally, the monks say, This is the key to the last door

The man is relieved to no end. He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is astonished to find the source of that strange sound. It is truly an amazing and unbelievable sight.

Scroll down...







. . . But I can't tell you what it is because YOU are not a monk.

Subject: RE: BS: Hoo Flung Dung
From: olddude
Date: 20 Dec 09 - 10:22 PM

A nun, badly needing to use the restroom, walked into a local Hooters. The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once in a while the lights would turn off. Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers. However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent.

She walked up to the bartender, and asked, "May I please use the restroom?"

The bartender replied, "OK, but I should warn you that there is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf."

"Well, in that case, I'll just look the other way," said the nun. So the bartender showed the nun to the back of the restaurant. After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place stopped just long enough to give the nun a loudround of applause! She went to the bartender and said, "Sir, I don't understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?"

"Well, now they know you're one of us," said the bartender. "Would you like a drink?"

"No thank you, but, I still don't understand," said the puzzled nun.

"You see," laughed the bartender, "every time someone lifts the fig leaf on that statue, the lights go out. Now, how about that drink?"

Subject: RE: BS: Hoo Flung Dung
From: Gurney
Date: 20 Dec 09 - 10:20 PM

As a believer in the theory of evolution, Chongo me old china, I accept that you and I have a common ancestor.


Long, LONG ago.

Subject: RE: BS: Hoo Flung Dung
From: olddude
Date: 20 Dec 09 - 10:20 PM

Maxine was driving down the street in a sweat because she had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place.

Looking up toward heaven, she said, "Lord, take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to church every Sunday for the rest of my life and give up sex and tequila."

Miraculously, a parking place appeared.

She looked up again and said, "Never mind. I found one."

Subject: RE: BS: Hoo Flung Dung
From: olddude
Date: 20 Dec 09 - 10:19 PM

There was a preacher whose wife was expecting a baby so he went before the congregation and asked for a raise. After much discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the preacher's family expanded, so would his paycheck.

After 6 children, this started to get expensive and the congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the preacher's salary. There was much yelling and bickering about how much the clergyman's additional children were costing the church. Finally, the Preacher got up and spoke to the crowd.

Children are a gift from God,' he said. Silence fell on the congregation.

In the back pew, a little old lady stood up and in her frail voice said: 'Rain is also a gift from God, but when we get too much of it, we wear rubbers.' And the congregation said, 'Amen.'

Subject: RE: BS: Hoo Flung Dung
From: olddude
Date: 20 Dec 09 - 10:18 PM

Leroy goes to the revival and listens to the preacher.

After awhile the preacher asks anyone with needs to be prayed over to come forward to the front at the altar.

Leroy gets in line, and when it's his turn, the preacher asks: "Leroy, what do you want me to pray about for you?"

Leroy replies: "Preacher, I need you to pray for my hearing."

The preacher puts one finger in Leroy's ear, and he places the other hand on top of Leroy's head and prays and prays and prays.

After a few minutes, the preacher removes his hands, stands back and asks Leroy: "Leroy, how is your hearing now?"

Leroy says, "I don't know, Reverend, it's not until next Wednesday."

Subject: RE: BS: Hoo Flung Dung
From: olddude
Date: 20 Dec 09 - 10:17 PM

A missionary who had spent years showing a tribe of natives how to farm and build things to be selfsufficient gets word that he is to return home.

He realizes that the one thing he never taught the natives was how to speak English, so he takes the chief and starts walking in the forest. He points to a tree and says to the chief: "This is a tree."

The chief looks at the tree and grunts: "Tree."

The missionary is pleased with the response.

They walk a little farther and the padre points to a rock and says: "This is a rock."

Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts: "Rock."

The padre is really getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears a rustling in the bushes. As he peeks over the top, he sees a couple in the midst of heavy romantic activity. The padre is really flustered and quickly responds: "Riding a bike."

The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blow gun and kills them!

The padre goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years teaching the tribe how to be civilized and kind to each other! How could he just kill these people in cold blood that way?

The chief replied: "My bike."

Subject: RE: BS: Hoo Flung Dung
From: olddude
Date: 20 Dec 09 - 10:11 PM

How many of us Catholics does it take to change a light bulb
None ... we only know how to use candles

Subject: RE: BS: Hoo Flung Dung
From: GUEST,Chongo Chimp
Date: 20 Dec 09 - 08:52 PM

This is just another cheap shot at us apes and monkeys, ain't it? You don't fool me.

- Chongo

Subject: RE: BS: Hoo Flung Dung
From: Little Hawk
Date: 20 Dec 09 - 07:25 PM

olddude - Marvelous!!! LOL! Keep 'em coming!

Subject: RE: BS: Hoo Flung Dung
From: Bonnie Shaljean
Date: 20 Dec 09 - 06:40 PM

A Sunday School teacher was testing the children in her class to see if they understood the concept of getting to Heaven. She asked them, 'If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into Heaven?'

'NO!' the children answered.

'If I cleaned the church every day, and mowed the lawn and weeded the garden, and kept everything tidy, would that get me into Heaven?'

Again, the kids chorused 'NO!'

By now she was starting to smile. 'Well, then, if I gave sweets to all the children, and was nice to my husband and cooked him big dinners and bought him expensive presents, would that get me into Heaven?

Again, they all answered 'NO!'

Simply bursting with pride for their spiritual wisdom, she continued, 'Then how can I get into Heaven?'

A six year-old boy shouted out: "YA GOTTA BE DEAD"

Subject: RE: BS: Hoo Flung Dung
From: gnu
Date: 20 Dec 09 - 05:05 PM

"Someone who knocks at your door for no apparent reason"... hahahahahaa good one!

Subject: RE: BS: Hoo Flung Dung
From: olddude
Date: 20 Dec 09 - 04:57 PM

An atheist walks into a bar.

"Anyone here religious?" she asks.

A group of men at a table in the corner raise their hands and shout, "Over here!"

The atheist introduces herself as such, and asks the men how they all came to be where they are today.

"We all just got released from prison," says one.

"Yeah," says another. "It's all because of the strength of our convictions."

Subject: RE: BS: Hoo Flung Dung
From: olddude
Date: 20 Dec 09 - 04:56 PM

What do you get when you cross an atheist with a Jehovah's Witness? Someone who knocks at your door for no apparent reason

Subject: RE: BS: Hoo Flung Dung
From: olddude
Date: 20 Dec 09 - 04:53 PM

The story is told of the Atheist who accosted a preacher. "Do you believe in eternal life?" The preacher has no time to reply. "Well its a load of rubbish!" shouted the Atheist. "I believe in science, evolution, survival of the fittest, and when we die, that's it! No eternal life, no great judgement, and no God!" The Atheist continues his assault against the preacher repetitiously and tirelessly. "Eternal life! Eternal life! Ha! "Its all pie in the sky when you die." When I die that's it, the end, no eternal life, no nothing. He continues, until he reaches his climax, "I will be buried six feet under when I die and that's it! Nothing! Caput! When I die I am utterly convinced that that will be the end of me!" "Well thank God for that" replies the preacher!

Subject: RE: BS: Hoo Flung Dung
From: olddude
Date: 20 Dec 09 - 04:51 PM

An atheist professor was teaching a college class and he told the class that he was going to prove that there was not a God.

He said, "God if you are real, then I want you to knock me off this platform. I'll give you 15 minutes!"

Ten minutes went by. He kept taunting God, saying, "Here I am God, I'm still waiting"

He got down to the last couple of minutes and a Huge 250-pound rugby player happened to walk by the door and heard what the professor said.

The rugny player walked into the classroom and in the last minute, he walked up, hit the professor full force, and sent him flying off the platform.

The professor got up, obviously shaken and said, "Where did you come from, and why did you do that?"

The rugby player replied, "God was busy; He sent me!"

Subject: RE: BS: Hoo Flung Dung
From: olddude
Date: 20 Dec 09 - 04:48 PM

There is this atheist swimming in the ocean. All of the sudden he sees this shark in the water, so he starts swimming towards his boat.

As he looks back he sees the shark turn and head towards him. His boat is a ways off and he starts swimming like crazy. He's scared to death, and as he turns to see the jaws of the great white beast open revealing its teeth in a horrific splendor, the atheist screams, "Oh God! Save me!"

In an instant time is frozen and a bright light shines down from above. The man is motionless in the water when he hears the voice of God say, "You are an atheist. Why do you call upon me when you do not believe in me?"

Aghast with confusion and knowing he can't lie the man replies, "Well, that's true I don't believe in you, but how about the shark? Can you make the shark believe in you?"

The Lord replies, "As you wish," and the light retracted back into the heavens and the man could feel the water begin to move once again.

As the atheist looks back he can see the jaws of the shark start to close down on him, when all of sudden the shark stops and pulls back.

Shocked, the man looks at the shark as the huge beast closes its eyes and bows its head and says, "Thank you Lord for this food for which I am about to receive..."

Subject: RE: BS: Hoo Flung Dung
From: olddude
Date: 20 Dec 09 - 04:41 PM

A young lady came home from a date, sad and in tears. She told her mother, "Robert proposed to me an hour ago." "Then why are you so sad?" her mother asked. "Because he also told me he's an atheist. Mom, he doesn't even believe there's a Hell!" Her mother replied, "Marry him anyway. Between the two of us, we'll show him how wrong he is."


Why did the atheist cross the road?
He thought there might be a street on the other side, but he wouldn't believe it until he tested his hypothesis.

Why did the atheist throw her watch out the window?
She wanted to see if it was designed intelligently enough to evolve into a bird.


How many atheists does it take to change a light bulb?
Two. One to actually change the bulb, and the other to videotape the job so fundamentalists won't claim that god did it.

An atheist buys an ancient lamp at an auction, takes it home, and begins to polish it. Suddenly, a genie appears, and says, "I'll grant you three wishes, Master." The atheist says, "I wish I could believe in you." The genie snaps his fingers, and suddenly the atheist believes in him. The atheist says, "Wow. I wish all atheists would believe this." The genie snaps his fingers again, and suddenly atheists all over the world begin to believe in genies. "What about your third wish?" asks the genie. "Well," says the atheist, "I wish for a billion dollars." The genie snaps his fingers for a third time, but nothing happens. "What's wrong?" asks the atheist. The genie shrugs and says, "Just because you believe in me, doesn't necessarily mean that I really exist."

Two cannibals are eating an atheist, and one says to the other, "Can you believe the way this guy tastes?"