BS: Hoo Flung Dung

Subject: RE: BS: Hoo Flung Dung
From: Bill D
Date: 22 Dec 09 - 11:25 AM

A farmer purchases an old, run-down, abandoned farm with plans to turn it into a thriving enterprise. The fields are grown over with weeds, the farmhouse is falling apart, and the fences are collapsing all around.

During his first day of work, the town preacher stops by to bless the man's work, saying, "May you and God work together to make this the farm of your dreams."

A few months later, the preacher stops by again to call on the farmer. Low and behold! It's like a completely different place - the farm house is completely rebuilt and in excellent condition, there are plenty of cattle and other livestock happily munching on feed in well-fenced pens, and the fields are filled with crops planted in neat rows. "Amazing!" the preacher says. "Look what God and you have accomplished together."

"Yes, Reverend," says the farmer, "but remember what the farm was like when God was working it alone."

Subject: RE: BS: Hoo Flung Dung
From: Little Hawk
Date: 22 Dec 09 - 11:45 AM

Bill, I heard that same joke with a different punchline...but you have to tell the early part of the joke slightly differently so as to set it up properly. The preacher doesn't see the "before" part, he only sees the "after" part. Anyway the punchline is...

"Ahh..." says the farmer wryly..."Well...ye shoulda seen it when He had it to Hisself!"   ;-)

********

All religions, of course, do commonly state that "God helps those who help themselves." One would interpret this to place the responsibility on us humans to do our bit, rather than just sitting around and waiting for a divine hand to somehow set things right. We become the instruments of God when we decide to, but if we do nothing, then nothing happens (except the inevitable results of entropy...which are deterioration and breakdown). It requires effort to resist entropy. Whether there is something that could be termed "God" wich assists us in our efforts is endlessly debatable. As you and I well know. ;-)

I think of God as "life" or "the indwelling spirit of life" (a form of living energy and consciousness that enlivens all living things and sustains them), so it's quite clear to me that the life force within me is what enables me to do everything I do. Still...I have to decide to do something or it doesn't happen, regardless of the presence of the life force within me.

I can decide to do absolutely nothing. If so, then the life within me will presently abandon my body and I will "die". That is, my body will die. What happens to "me" remains uncertain. It depends on whether I am my body...or the consciousness within it. I think I am the consciousness within it, but not the body itself. I think the body is just something like a biological mechanism that I am using at the moment as an instrument to experience this embodied life. And that's temporary.

I have no way of proving it. ;-) No one has any way of disproving it either. And that's okay with me. I can comfortably live with not knowing how to prove or disprove something like that.

Subject: RE: BS: Hoo Flung Dung
From: John MacKenzie
Date: 22 Dec 09 - 04:39 PM

A priest from Ireland was assigned to a Texas diocese.

One morning, Father O'Malley rose from his bed.
It was a fine spring day in his new Texas mission parish.
He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside.
He then noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of his front lawn.
He promptly called the local police station. The conversation went like this:
"Good morning, this is Sergeant Jones, how might I help you?"
"And the best of the day te yerself. This is Father O'Malley at St. Brigid's.. There's a jackass lying dead in me front lawn. Would ye be so kind as to send a couple O yer lads to take care of the matter?"

Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit, replied with a smirk, "Well now Father, it was always my impression that you people took care of last rites!"
There was dead silence on the line for a long moment.
Father O'Malley then replied: "Aye, 'tis certainly true, but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin."

Subject: RE: BS: Hoo Flung Dung
From: olddude
Date: 22 Dec 09 - 08:55 PM

An old country preacher had a teenage son, and it was getting time the boy should give some thought to choosing a profession. Like many young men, the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do, and he didn't seem too concerned about it.

One day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try an experiment. He went into the boy's room and placed on his study table three objects: a Bible a silver dollar, and a bottle of whiskey.

"I'll just hide behind the door," the old preacher said to himself, "and when he comes home from school this afternoon, I'll see which object he picks up. If it's the Bible, he's going to be a preacher like me, and what a blessing that would be! If he picks up the dollar, he's going to be a businessman, and that would be okay, too. But if he picks up the bottle, he's going to be a no-good drunkard, and, Lord, what a shame that would be."

The old man waited anxiously, and soon heard his son's footsteps as he entered the house whistling and headed for his room. He tossed his books on the bed, and as he turned to leave the room he spotted the objects on the table.

With curiosity in his eye, he walked over to inspect them.

Finally, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm. He picked up the silver dollar and dropped it into his pocket. He uncorked the bottle and took a big drink.

"Lord, have mercy," the old man whispered, "he's gonna be a Congressman!"

Subject: RE: BS: Hoo Flung Dung
From: olddude
Date: 22 Dec 09 - 08:58 PM

Paddy Fitzgerald had worked in a timber yard for five years and all that time he'd been stealing the wood and selling it. At last his conscience began to bother him and he went to confession to repent.

He told the priest. "Father, it's five years since my last confession, and I've been stealing wood from the timber yard all that time."

"I understand my son," says the priest. "Can you make a Novena?"

Fitzgerald said, "Father, if you have the plans, I've got the timber!"

Subject: RE: BS: Hoo Flung Dung
From: olddude
Date: 22 Dec 09 - 09:00 PM

A drunk and a preacher were driving up a mountain side in different vehicles. The drunk was swerving from side to side; the preacher was driving straight and true.

All of a sudden, the preacher lost control and drove off the edge of a cliff. The drunk noticed the preacher going off the edge, so he stopped his car and went to see if he was all right. He noticed the preacher was climbing up the hillside.

He yelled down at the preacher, "Are you alright?"

And the preacher replied, "Have no fear my son, I had the Lord riding with me."

The drunk then yelled back, "You had better let him ride with me next time. cuz your gonna get him killed!"

Subject: RE: BS: Hoo Flung Dung
From: olddude
Date: 22 Dec 09 - 09:02 PM

A priest wanted to go to the post office, so he asked a little boy the way. The boy took him to the post office.

The priest said to the boy, "Thank you. Come to the church tomorrow and I will show you the way to Heaven."

The boy turned and said, "But you don't even know the way to the post office."

Subject: RE: BS: Hoo Flung Dung
From: olddude
Date: 22 Dec 09 - 09:19 PM

A man enters a bar and sits next to a Baptist.

Man: "See that man on TV, standing on the ledge?"

Baptist: "Yes."

Man: "He's going to jump."

Baptist: "No, he's not. Pray with me."

Man: "Okay, but let's bet, just to make it interesting. Here's twenty."

Baptist: "You're on. Jesus will save him." Puts down his money. "Now let's pray."

They pray.

The guy on TV takes a dive.

Baptist: "Well, a bet's a bet. Here." Shoves his money down the bar.

Man: "I can't take your money. I've got to tell you; I saw this news program earlier."

Baptist: "Yeah, I saw it too, but I thought we could save him this time."

Subject: RE: BS: Hoo Flung Dung
From: olddude
Date: 22 Dec 09 - 09:21 PM

There was this Christian lady who had to do a lot of traveling for her business, so she did a lot of flying. Flying made her nervous, so she always took her Bible along with her to read and it helped relax her. One time on an airplane, she was sitting next to a man. When he saw her pull out her Bible, he gave a little chuckle and went back to what he was doing.

After awhile, he turned to her and asked, "You don't really believe all that stuff in there, do you?"

The lady replied, "Of course I do. It is the Bible."

He said, "Well, what about that guy that was swallowed by that whale?"

She replied, "Oh, Jonah. Yes, I believe that, it is in the Bible."

He asked, "Well, how do you suppose he survived all that time inside the whale?"

The lady said, "Well, I don't really know. I guess when I get to heaven, I will ask him."

"What if he isn't in heaven?" the man asked sarcastically.

"Then you can ask him," replied the lady.

Subject: RE: BS: Hoo Flung Dung
From: olddude
Date: 22 Dec 09 - 09:23 PM

A Christian lady who lived next door to an atheist

There was a Christian lady who lived next door to an atheist. Every day, when the lady prayed, the atheist guy could hear her. He thought to himself, "She sure is crazy, praying all the time like that. Doesn't she know there isn't a God?"

Many times while she was praying, he would go to her house and harass her, saying "Lady, why do you pray all the time? Don't you know there is no God?" But she kept on praying.

One day, she ran out of groceries. As usual, she was praying to the Lord explaining her situation and thanking Him for what He was gonna do. As usual, the atheist heard her praying and thought to himself, "Humph! I'll fix her."

He went to the grocery store, bought a whole bunch of groceries, took them to her house, dropped them off on the front porch, rang the door bell and then hid in the bushes to see what she would do. When she opened the door and saw the groceries, she began to praise the Lord with all her heart, jumping, singing and shouting everywhere! The atheist then jumped out of the bushes and told her, "You ol' crazy lady, God didn't buy you those groceries, I bought those groceries!" At hearing this, she broke out and started running down the street, shouting and praising the Lord.

When he finally caught her, he asked what her problem was. She said, "I knew the Lord would provide me with some groceries, but I didn't know he was gonna make the devil pay for them!"

Subject: RE: BS: Hoo Flung Dung
From: olddude
Date: 22 Dec 09 - 09:26 PM

A atheist businessman decided to open a disco business right opposite a church. The church started a petition to stop the disco from opening and the congregation prayed daily against the disco business.

One day a violent lightning struck the disco and it was burnt to the ground before the construction was completed.

The businessman sued the church on the grounds that the church through its congregation and prayers was ultimately responsible for the demise of his disco business, either through direct or indirect actions or means.

In its reply to the court, the church members denied all responsibility or any connection that their prayers were reasons to the destruction of the disco building.

As the case made its way into the high court, the judge looked over the paperwork at the hearing and commented: "I don't know how I'm going to decide this case, but it appears from the paperwork, we have an atheist businessman who believes in the power of prayer and we have an entire church congregation that doesn't."