LilyFestre-Mommy+Daddy+Baby...now on to Life!

Subject: RE: LilyFestre - Great oncology numbers!!! Yowza!!!
From: LilyFestre
Date: 08 May 10 - 10:39 PM

I am sure you are right Susan. I'm sure I didn't hear much of what was said. I recall feeling like I'd been hit by a giant speeding train....BAM....and stunned. I remember Father Cootiesniffer coming to Mom's house the day I got my intial news......he tried to talk to me but I had no idea what to say. No idea what to think. No idea what to feel....never felt so numb in my life.

I do recall my surgeon telling me I was Stage 1. For the longest time, he wouldn't say if I was going to be ok. Finally, about a month ago, he apologized that this has been so traumatic for me and he said, "You are going to be good." My chemo oncologist says I am Stage 2A...only because 2 organs were affected. I don't know if this is because there was cancer found on both ovaries or if it is because I had cancer in my uterus...completely separate cancers btw.....NOT a spread of one to the other.

I know that this morning I had said something about wishing I knew how much cancer was seen on each ovary....and how I wish they had taken or tested or whatever they do with lymph nodes. Pete said my surgeon didn't think it was necessary and that he would be able to tell visually.....I don't know about that. What I do know is that he is the head of the OB/GYN Oncology department and is a nationally recognized surgeon in the ovarian cancer arena. I feel very confident about my surgeon and trust him implicitly. Where am I going with this? I have no idea. I guess that's kind of how the topic came up this morning.

If I did allude to it earlier, I have forgotten. If I have forgotten, I wish someone would have reminded me of it more frequently....maybe it would have relieved some intense worry time for me. But then again, if I was told this once, why would someone repeat it to me? I know some people dispute the idea of chemo brain but I'm here to tell you that my memory, especially my short term memory is shot. You'd think I'd remmeber something so important to my well being. I think that one of the reasons I write so much...not just here but on my blog as well is so I DO have a memory of this....where I've been, what my thoughts are, how I was able to work through things. Not terribly long ago, I started reading what I've been writing since December. What stands out the most is that I knew....deep down, I KNEW something was horribly wrong but I couldn't put my finger on it. I think my panic and anxiety was because I knew the news was bad....and waiting as long as I did for that to be confirmed was absolute hell for me. I had to stop reading my blog because it just brought all that up for me, including the panic.

I have been taking an antidepressant since January but recently read that some antidepressants reduce the effectiveness of chemo. I called my oncologist right away and he said the one I am taking is fine and I have nothing to worry about. I have stopped taking them anyway. The idea that it COULD reduce the effectiveness of my chemo....that it's possible that I'm not getting the full benefits of this process (which can be pure hell at times)...well, I'm not willing to take that chance. At all. Period. So...we shall see what my reaction is but really, I think I'm doing ok in that arena. I know I get panicky every once in awhile....but I think that's probably normal for anyone with a cancer diagnosis.

I'm rambling. Sorry.

I was productive today....cleaned out one dresser and did some organizing in my closet....still a lot to do but I made a dent! Also had lunch with an old friend and spent the late afternoon with a new friend who I just love.....ever meet someone you instantly click with? Uh huh. That's Angie. :)

Anyway, I need to finish up some of the closet stuff.

Goodnight my friends.

Michelle

Michelle

Subject: RE: LilyFestre - Great oncology numbers!!! Yowza!!!
From: Bobert
Date: 08 May 10 - 11:08 PM

Well, the problem with cancer treatment is that these good folks who treat it are in it every day and sometimes they just assume that folks know what the heck they are talking about when, in reality, they don't... But they do usually recommend certain books to read so that the patient will be up to speed... I don't really agreer with that approach... I wish doctors would spend a little more time talking in general terms and less in terms about platlet counts and stuff that is way over most folks heads...

That is just my beef with the fine folks who are out there very day on the front lines treating people...

The line I hated hearing was, "Well, we can treat that, too..." in regards to the effects of chemo...

But, havin' said that, Stage 1, Michelle??? Geeze, that is wonderful to hear... That will get you memebership in the "10,000 Club"...

Hang in there... You'll be looking back on this as a *survivor* in short order (relatively speakin')...

B~

Subject: RE: LilyFestre - Great oncology numbers!!! Yowza!!!
From: Sandra in Sydney
Date: 08 May 10 - 11:36 PM

Words of wisdom my sister said decades ago which I have NEVER done - take a written list of things you need to know when visiting a doctor & write down what you are told.

Occasionally I ask Dr to write something for me (usually something like the name of the vitamin she want me to use cos I know I'll forget) & I'm always asking my physio to write down details of the exercise she recommends cos I know I won't remember (her stick figures are sooo cute!) but I've often returned home after visiting a doctor with something not mentioned or remembered. I had to make another visit once to get a Referral to the Specialist I was seeing a day or 2 later, which was the main reason I'd made the first appointment!

Good thing you have Pete to remember things for you.

sandra

Subject: RE: LilyFestre - Great oncology numbers!!! Yowza!!!
From: LilyFestre
Date: 09 May 10 - 12:16 AM

Yep. Surgeon/oncologist says Stage 1.
Chemo Oncologist says Stage 2.

Either way, I know that's good.

As for the platelet stuff....well....when I have a chemo appointment it kinda goes like this. I check in and they call me into the lab and access my port for blood and then attach the chemo tubing, minus the chemo. Then I see the chemo doc. He goes over the results from the lab work they took 20 minutes ago. Anything that is out of line is flagged. For me, that's the platelets and always the blood sugar readings too because the steroids shoot that into outer space. If my platelets fall 13 more points (and it's been falling in much larger increments), they are going to send me home or do a platelet transfusion via my port. I feel better knowing that it would be with my port as that means no painful IVs or hanging out on some creepy slab with mad scientist gear all around. While I can't feel the platelets drop or that they are low, I have to be aware of it as low platelets mean the inability for my blood to clot. Should I cut my finger while chopping veggies, I need to head to the ER because I will need something to help me stop the bleeding...my body won't do it on it's own if the cut is more than a scratch. So...while I'd rather be blissfully ignorant about a good deal of the lab work (and I am),I do need to know some of it. He's good about explaining but I'm bad at remembering. I had him go over the photo pathology of the cancer but for the life of me, I have no idea what he told me. So...I have these photos of black spots but don't quite understand what is what or where. I am going to take my digital camera next time and record what he says so I can refer to that.

I do take a note pad with question. I also take my Mom who writes down the answers because my fingers are too numb and tingly to write much.

And it's a good thing that I have Pete to remember...and everything else. I don't know what I'd do without him! Just tonight he fixed dinner and the washing machine....and both are perfect!!!!!!

It seems I've been running lots and have had very little time with him lately so tomorrow we are having a day to ourselves. I am really looking forward to that and I think he is too. :o)

And Bobert, I'm looking forward to being Queen of the 10,000. I just polished my tiara............*GRIN*

Love to all.

Michelle

Subject: RE: LilyFestre - Great oncology numbers!!! Yowza!!!
From: katlaughing
Date: 09 May 10 - 12:47 AM

Michelle, I know it's important for you to get this stuff down in your mind, but be careful, please, to not obsess over the past bits. KNOW that you have been well-treated by the docs you were guided to and KNOW that you are free and clear of it all NOW. The "what ifs" about the future and thinking far ahead can drive a gal nuts. I know, it did me until I had to come to a full-stop!*bg* We can all tell you it will be okay and it can help tremendously to hear that reassurance, but deep down you need to believe/know it, too, as you are the most powerful healer there is for you.

I always take a pad with questions on it, too. Recording the doc on your camera is brilliant. I have thought of doing that with my cellphone, but usually have Rog there to help me remember.

I watched some comic or someone recently, talking about men and women and communication; it may have even been something I read here or a link I followed. Ultimately it came down to the husband/partner's job is to just say "It's okay" or "It's going to be okay." I like that. My Rog doesn't always respond with what I would like, word-wise, but he remembers that one, really well, and it always make a believer outta me! Here's to your Pete and what he is doing for you that way, too.

Oh, and, it's going to be okay!*bg*

kat

Subject: RE: LilyFestre - Great oncology numbers!!! Yowza!!!
From: SINSULL
Date: 09 May 10 - 02:33 PM

Years ago, a friend told me that no two people should worry about the same thing at the same time. It is counter-productive.
Try to let you heath experts do the worrying while you live in the NOW. You're alive and healing. You're mother is recovering nicely. Pete is healthy and by your side. Celebrate the little miracles of today.
Be well, my friend.
Mary

Subject: RE: LilyFestre - Great oncology numbers!!! Yowza!!!
From: Ebbie
Date: 10 May 10 - 09:55 AM

Refresh

Subject: RE: LilyFestre - Great oncology numbers!!! Yowza!!
From: Rowan
Date: 10 May 10 - 06:07 PM

I ... read that some antidepressants reduce the effectiveness of chemo

As a cynic from way back I've always read the CMI sheets that come with all medicines I've had prescribed over the years and I've made it my business to read up on the (very rare) ones I've just bought over the counter; at heart I'm not into chemotherapy unless a properly informed medico can convince me otherwise.

Now that I'm into chemo not unlike Michelle's I am issued with (what the NSW Cancer Council calls) "The Red Book" which tracks everything and anything to do with my medical treatment, including stuff from my ophthalmologist. Just as well, because one of the drops for my glaucoma (which, I gather, has depressant side-effects; not afflicting me, so far) got the chemo nurses asking whether I still had glaucoma; the predictable answer ("Yes") meant that one of the chemicals used in my changed chemo regime was contraindicated and thus not administered. It only treated expected side-effects of other, required, parts of the chemo regime so it was no great loss.

The local Cancer Support Group (which lost one of our founding members last week; Vale Mary Maclean, a very strong woman indeed) has regular talks by various professionals (dieticians, pharmacists, masseurs, psychologists, nurses, social workers, alternative/complementary medical treatments, etc) and a regular theme is that all your professionals who administer chemical treatments should be informed of all your medical intakes from all your sources, as many things can have synergistic (and often unwanted) effects.

I'm not really posting this for Michelle's benefit but in case there are others (posters or lurkers) who might find it useful info.

Great news, Michelle!

Cheers, Rowan

Subject: RE: LilyFestre - Great oncology numbers!!! Yowza!!!
From: LilyFestre
Date: 10 May 10 - 09:20 PM

I will have my 5th chemo treatment one week from today. And today I found myself walking ALL day, feeling great! Pete and I had dinner out and at the end of the meal I had half a cup of coffee. I don't know if it's the caffiene or the mix of caffiene and what's left of the chemo in my body but I have been singing at the top of my lungs for the last hour and a half (LOVE Carolyn Wonderland) and am giggly beyond giggly. I am not complaining.....just sayin.........

WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE I am HIGH!!!

Michelle

Subject: RE: LilyFestre - Great oncology numbers!!! Yowza!!!
From: LilyFestre
Date: 10 May 10 - 10:25 PM

Here's a link to one of my current favorite songs that I was belting out tonight: Long Way To Go

Favorite line? "Yesterday is a memory. Tomorrows never ours to see. As I walk through this life, I know I'm never alone. All we have is the air we breathe, the here and now and the things we leave.
Michelle

Subject: RE: LilyFestre - Great oncology numbers!!! Yowza!!!
From: LilyFestre
Date: 11 May 10 - 02:59 AM

I read something very interesting the other day (I have no idea where I read it).....most cancer chat sites have the most activity late in the night...like now...almost 3:00am. If I don't take Ambien, I either don't sleep or I wake up multiple times during the night..usually with multiple freakish nightmares....horrific stuff..never a complete night of uniterrupted rest without meds during chemo.....must be some powerful stuff to disrupt a body's sleep rhythm so much. As long as it's killing cancer cells....ALL the cancer cells, then it's fine by me.

I took some Ambien about 30 minutes ago....la la la.

In the meantime, I've been looking at wedding dresses online. Why? Well, I've been thinking about the things in life I've always wanted to do and one was to wear a wedding gown. I've been married now for almost 18 years but when we got married, I did not have the dress of my dreams. So...we have discussed renewing our wedding vows and I WANT THE DRESS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :) And I want to wear it in my church as Pete and I were not married by a priest....so that's something I want to see happen too. :) Pete is all for it!!!! :)

Michelle

Subject: RE: LilyFestre - Great oncology numbers!!! Yowza!!!
From: Sandra in Sydney
Date: 11 May 10 - 04:48 AM

a lovely idea

Subject: RE: LilyFestre - Great oncology numbers!!! Yowza!!!
From: SINSULL
Date: 11 May 10 - 08:09 AM

HMMMMMM
Would you like Jacqui and me to start hitting the thrift shops for bridesmaids' gowns. We can be very creative with circa 1950 satin and lace.

heh heh


Actually that is a wonderful idea, Michelle. Will Pete wear a tux?
SINS

Subject: RE: LilyFestre - Great oncology numbers!!! Yowza!!!
From: LilyFestre
Date: 11 May 10 - 01:57 PM

I think if I asked Pete to wear a tux he might. He's more of an outside kinda man...full beard...think Grizzly Adams. I *WANT* the dress and I'd want him to wear whatever he felt comfy in. *visualizing* Um. This could turn out very strange....at least for the eyes. The hearts, however, would continue to be forever happy. :)

I should put up some links to the ones I like. I want ivory, some kind of sleeves (I have bat arms so sleeveless just isn't going to work) and so far, the flower bouquets I love best are just stems of lilacs tied with a simple ivory silk ribbon. :) I don't have a date in mind at the moment as when we renew our vows, I'd like to have HAIR and also, I think it would be extra special if Veronica, her son and our son were there too.....her baby is due in Septemeber and ours is due in December! :) It's fun to daydream about and plan....

Subject: RE: LilyFestre - Great oncology numbers!!! Yowza!!!
From: SINSULL
Date: 11 May 10 - 02:02 PM

What baby is due in December?????

Subject: RE: LilyFestre - Great oncology numbers!!! Yowza!!!
From: Sandra in Sydney
Date: 11 May 10 - 07:33 PM

I second that!

Subject: RE: LilyFestre - Great oncology numbers!!! Yowza!!!
From: LilyFestre
Date: 11 May 10 - 10:36 PM

We are adopting a baby boy from Ethiopia. He will be between 8 and 10 months old when he arrives.....they say that will be in December!!! Didn't I share this? I thought I did.....but if not....YAY.....yes....our son will be here soon....although it really does feel like FOREVER away!!!

Michelle

Subject: RE: LilyFestre - Great oncology numbers!!! Yowza!!!
From: Stilly River Sage
Date: 12 May 10 - 12:09 AM

You know, Michelle, I wouldn't say this to most people, but when I look at all that has happened this few months (and I hope you'll take this in the spirit it is intended) I think the big C "Cancer" is the best thing that could have happened to you. You've blossomed, you've grown in so many ways, and you've looked at so many things you never considered before. Your beauty has come through in so many more ways than it did pre-cancer. You're so strong now! Does anyone else know what I'm talking about? No wonder Pete wants to go through with the wedding, dress and all. It will be a thing of beauty, all around.

I know that I became a much better parent after I was diagnosed and had the surgeries. Suddenly I could focus on what was REALLY important. And for all that you have down days because of the chemo, you're coming through it like a champ, with flying colors, and I'm so proud of how well you're doing everything!

This adoption is great news, and perfect timing. And because you really really know what is important, I know you'll be an even greater mom now than you would have been in the past.

I'm reminded of Viktor Frankl's book Man's Search For Meaning (don't buy it from Amazon, find it for a couple of bucks in a used bookstore somewhere). It's a wonderful slim volume that talks about how diversity (to put it mildly) can help you find yourself.

Good luck with all of this!

Maggie (Stilly River Sage)

Subject: RE: LilyFestre - Great oncology numbers!!! Yowza!!!
From: SINSULL
Date: 12 May 10 - 08:00 AM

WOW!
You hinted that you had postponed the adoption. Adoption pregnancies last years sometimes. Been there; done that.
You realize that this officially makes you a member of the 10,000 Club.

Two babies in a matter of months. SIGH. Think I'll go get a kitten. 'm jealous.

Not really - much love and great joy here in Maine.
Mary

Subject: RE: LilyFestre - Great oncology numbers!!! Yowza!!!
From: VirginiaTam
Date: 12 May 10 - 09:31 AM

                           .__  .__                 __   
    ____ ___  ___ ____  ____ |  | |  |   ____   _____/  |_ 
  _/ __ \\  \/  // ___\/ __ \|  | |  | _/ __ \ /    \   __\
  \  ___/ >    <\  \__\  ___/|  |_|  |_\  ___/|   |  \  |  
   \___  >__/\_ \\___  >___  >____/____/\___  >___|  /__|  
       \/      \/    \/    \/               \/     \/      
                               ._.
    ____   ______  _  ________ | |
   /    \_/ __ \ \/ \/ /  ___/ | |
  |   |  \  ___/\     /\___ \   \|
  |___|  /\___  >\/\_//____  >  __
       \/     \/           \/   \/

Wedding and baby. You certainly don't do things by halves! More power to you, Angel.

What about something a bit medieval re wedding kit. Covers the arms, you can use lovely colours and brocades in both his and hers outfits, very romantic and Pete would probably look a treat in tunic and thigh boots.

gown
simpler gown

Head covering could be made by yours truly - it would be an honour.
I can do this one in pearl beads only with or without sprays you add veil.

Or if not this is lovely
head dress

if I am getting too enthusiastic, just tell me to back off.

Subject: RE: LilyFestre - Great oncology numbers!!! Yowza!!!
From: VirginiaTam
Date: 12 May 10 - 09:33 AM

blast... my excellent news scroller messed up.

well you get the idea.

fixed it
mod

Subject: RE: LilyFestre - Great oncology numbers!!! Yowza!!!
From: SINSULL
Date: 12 May 10 - 10:58 AM

No problem, Miss Tam. It says Excellent News.
I studied Alien languages in college.

Names?? Names??? Have you thought of names?
Max is nice.

Subject: RE: LilyFestre - Great oncology numbers!!! Yowza!!!
From: Sandra in Sydney
Date: 12 May 10 - 11:13 AM

wonderful news

Subject: RE: LilyFestre - Great oncology numbers!!! Yowza!!!
From: LilyFestre
Date: 12 May 10 - 05:47 PM

"Max is nice" LOL.

Yes, Max is a nice name!!!! Just the way I read it struck me as funny!

We haven't decided on a name yet...there are a couple....so far we like Jacob Thomas the best. :)

But we also like Jeremiah...I love the name John but he doesn't. He likes the name Elmore but ummm...I'm not a fan.

OH. Guess what?

Today I got an invitation from the hospital where I have had all my surgery and chemo for a party....for cancer survivors!!!!   YAY! My mom was with me when I opened the envelope and she wanted to know what it was..I tried to ready it but yeah...you got it....I cried. I am allowed to take my caregivers and I plan to CELEBRATE in a big way......hope it's an event with lots of yelling and dancing cuz baby, LOOKOUT!!!!   They are also going to have a large banner like the one they currently have that greets you when you get off the elevator or take the stairs....It says Cancer Survivor and people sign their names to it....every time I see that banner I look forward to the day when my treatment is over and I can sign it too....there will be a new banner this year and this celebration falls just about the time of my last chemo treatment. I am EXCITED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Michelle

Subject: RE: LilyFestre - Great oncology numbers!!! Yowza!!!
From: SINSULL
Date: 12 May 10 - 07:16 PM

10,000 is a nice round number.
Dance the night away.
SINS

Subject: RE: LilyFestre - Great oncology numbers!!! Yowza!!!
From: Sandra in Sydney
Date: 13 May 10 - 03:28 AM

literally, a happy dance.

sandra

Subject: RE: LilyFestre - Great oncology numbers!!! Yowza!!!
From: jacqui.c
Date: 13 May 10 - 07:56 AM

Haven't been in for a few days - what a lot of lovely news to come back to!

Subject: RE: LilyFestre - Great oncology numbers!!! Yowza!!!
From: Bobert
Date: 13 May 10 - 08:35 AM

PARTY!!!

Sounds like things are lookin' up fir ya', Michelle... That's great but...

...I told ya' so...

But great to hear it anyway...

B~

Subject: RE: LilyFestre - Great oncology numbers!!! Yowza!!!
From: LilyFestre
Date: 13 May 10 - 03:33 PM

Bobert.....

   I'm countin' on your I told you so's!!!!!! Every single day!!!! Treatment coming up next week.....working hard NOW to get stuff done so I can relax and be miserable next week if need be.

    Planning so you can be miserable in peace. How's that work!?!?!?   :)

   Today is good...lots done around the house, talked to a sweet friend who made my prayer shawl and am after I take a break, I'm off to yoga! YAY YOGA!!!!

   I'm a happy girl today. :)

Love to all,

Michelle

Subject: RE: LilyFestre - Great oncology numbers!!! Yowza!!!
From: Sandra in Sydney
Date: 13 May 10 - 06:07 PM

Planning so you can be miserable in peace. How's that work!?!?!?   :)

well, if you were being miserable while surrounded by misery & miserable times, that would be 2 or 3 lots of miserable!

or something like that.

happy yoga-ing!

sandra

Subject: RE: LilyFestre - Great oncology numbers!!! Yowza!!!
From: LilyFestre
Date: 14 May 10 - 07:04 PM

In March, I requested a care package called The Bag of Hope from the Georgia Ovarian Cancer Coalition. I do not live in Georgia but they were very kind and sent me a huge package of goodies (Susan...you've seen me in the cap they sent several times). Anyway, they sent me an email to say they were now on Facebook and I should check it out and Friend them. Ok. I did.

I emailed them to ask if there are any similar groups in Pennsylvania and included a photo of my bald self in the email. The CEO wrote back that he was going to check into it. I sent back an email saying thank you and included my montage (the same one that I've posted here) of my cancer journey. He wrote back and said he absolutely loved it, that he thought it was couragous,etc and with my permission, he wants to put it up on their website and to share it on Facebook where everyone who is a member can see it!!!   

It made my day! Thanks Doug!

Spent the day helping my mom with errands and laundry. She wore me out and I just woke up from a nap!!!

:) Michelle

Subject: RE: LilyFestre - She's gonna be a Celeb on Facebook!!
From: Sandra in Sydney
Date: 14 May 10 - 09:57 PM

wow! your montage is spreading further around the (virtual) world!

sandra

Subject: RE: LilyFestre - She's gonna be a Celeb on Facebook!!
From: kendall
Date: 15 May 10 - 07:05 AM

Bully I say!

Subject: RE: LilyFestre - She's gonna be a Celeb on Facebook!!
From: gnu
Date: 15 May 10 - 07:10 AM

Me too!

Subject: RE: LilyFestre - She's gonna be a Celeb on Facebook!!
From: jacqui.c
Date: 15 May 10 - 07:21 AM

How wonderful! Can you imagine the boost that that will give to others walking your road.

Subject: RE: LilyFestre - She's gonna be a Celeb on Facebook!!
From: wysiwyg
Date: 15 May 10 - 09:52 AM

LF, see PM.

~S~

Subject: RE: LilyFestre - She's gonna be a Celeb on Facebook!!
From: SINSULL
Date: 15 May 10 - 11:01 AM

Michelle,
I was not not exaggerating when I said that there is a book to come out of all this. You really are a shining star and your story needs to be shared. Apparently others see it too. It is your honest confrontation of your fear, anger, despair,loss and determination to get past it all whole and healthy that needs to be shared.
Congratulations on the recognition.
Love,
Mary

Subject: RE: LilyFestre - She's gonna be a Celeb on Facebook!!
From: LilyFestre
Date: 15 May 10 - 01:12 PM

Sins,

   I might just put together a book when this is all done. Not only do I write here, but I have a private blog as well...one where many more details and fussing goes on.....keeps me sane! I also keep it so I can remember.....tried to read it from the start the other day but it was just too emotional for me.

   Speaking of emotional, last night after I had run errands all day for my mom, I decided to hit the grocery store in her town to pick up some water that was on sale. I ended up with a few more things but to make a long story short, I was looking at the salad dressings when I felt a hand on my shoulder and a Hey...how are you? I turned around to find someone I met early on in my cancer journey. We chatted a few minutes and then she said, "Have you heard the news?" Blank look from me. Nope. What news? She told me that she was recently diagnosed with breast cancer for the 3rd time. Her husband was diagnosed with prostate cancer ON THE SAME DAY!!! Holy suckfest Batman!!! What's with that?!?!?!?   And then earlier in the day, Mom and I had stopped to visit some folks from our church...he had had prostate cancer and they told us about another friend from church that either has or had prostate cancer. He decided to get the seed radiation and had to drive over 2 hours every day to get to the hospital (that's just getting there!). So I'm beginning to wonder what in the world is going on? Why do so many people have cancer? Why is it such a big secret? I feel so blessed to have met all these people along the path but wonder why I had to be sick or they had to be sick for us to meet? It's almost like a secret society. For me, I am VERY open about it...you all know that. For me, being able to talk, share, learn and to give or receive support is a lifeline for me. Quite honestly, if I had to live with the panic and anxiety I felt in December until now, I don't know if I could have done it. I still have panic attacks and moments of severe anxiety but I'm learning how to get through those more and more....but had that fear been constant, I seriously doubt I would still be here. I can remember Pete telling me that I didn't need to worry about the cancer because I was going to have a heart attack long before I'd need treatment. It was bad for me...with that said, I know others are not wired the same as me...therefore, the lack of support or the idea of not seeking support or keeping their cancer privatenis ok with them. Still. It makes no sense to me. I'm thankful for each and every one of you who has helped me along, extended a hand, lent a shoulder, given me tissues....all of it!!!!
   I'm rambling, I know. I just don't get how there can be this entire community out there for people with cancer that most healthy people have NO idea about. I have to say, it's a WONDERFUL community filled with more compassion for one another than I've ever experienced in my life. I think it's sad that it can't be that way for everybody, all the time.
   My perceptions of my life, the people in my life, what's important to me (or maybe not so important after all) and I how respond to things have all changed substantially. I look different (from how I used to and also different from the norm in society) and I feel different. Does we all really need to go through something so dramatic to wake up?

Subject: RE: LilyFestre - She's gonna be a Celeb on Facebook!!
From: Stilly River Sage
Date: 15 May 10 - 01:24 PM

Michelle, please post a link again to your montage. I think you've probably updated it since I last viewed, it, but the link is in this 1000+ thread somewhere. . . easier to bring it back up to the top. Thanks!

Subject: RE: LilyFestre - She's gonna be a Celeb on Facebook!!
From: LilyFestre
Date: 15 May 10 - 01:46 PM

Here's a link to my montage. I last updated it in late April. It will be updated again next week!

My Journey

Michelle

Subject: RE: LilyFestre - She's gonna be a Celeb on Facebook!!
From: AllisonA(Animaterra)
Date: 15 May 10 - 01:47 PM

My darling girl, this is what I get for being on a "computer-diet" for the past week- and what a week it's been for you!
I've just scrolled back and read about the Cancer Survivor's Party, your wedding vow renewal (if Sinsull and jacqui get to be bridesmaids, I get to be flower girl!!) the baby from Ethiopia (I love all the name ideas.... except Elmore. I'm on your side!!), the Facebook celebrity, and your last, heartfelt, beautiful post 25 minutes ago. You beautiful, beautiful woman.

Queen Eliz. II is said to have called the year Charles and Diana and Andrew and Fergie all fell apart as her annus horribilis. You just may want to call this year your annus mirabilis ("year of marvels") for the growth, wisdom, and joy you have achieved.

So, this baby must just have been born? When will you have pictures? May I be the first to claim "fairy godmother" status??

Subject: RE: LilyFestre - She's gonna be a Celeb on Facebook!!
From: VirginiaTam
Date: 15 May 10 - 02:24 PM

I only gots one thing to say...

            _______  _______ _________ _______  _______ _________ _______  _______ _________ _______  _ 
  |\     /|(  ___  )(  ___  )\__   __/(  ____ \(  ____ )\__   __/(  ____ \(  ____ \\__   __/(  ____ \( )
  | )   ( || (   ) || (   ) |   ) (   | (    \/| (    )|   ) (   | (    \/| (    \/   ) (   | (    \/| |
  | | _ | || |   | || |   | |   | |   | (__    | (____)|   | |   | (__    | (__       | |   | |      | |
  | |( )| || |   | || |   | |   | |   |  __)   |     __)   | |   |  __)   |  __)      | |   | |      | |
  | || || || |   | || |   | |   | |   | (      | (\ (      | |   | (      | (         | |   | |      (_)
  | () () || (___) || (___) |   | |   | (____/\| ) \ \_____) (___| )      | )      ___) (___| (____/\ _ 
  (_______)(_______)(_______)   )_(   (_______/|/   \__/\_______/|/       |/       \_______/(_______/(_)
  

Subject: RE: LilyFestre - She's gonna be a Celeb on Facebook!!
From: JennieG
Date: 16 May 10 - 02:28 AM

That's great to hear! I've been out of the loop lately as we have moved house and had no computer for a while.

Love the wedding idea!

Cheers
JennieG

Subject: RE: LilyFestre - She's gonna be a Celeb on Facebook!!
From: LilyFestre
Date: 16 May 10 - 08:45 AM

Most important part of this post: Allison is going to be a fairy god mother to one very sweet baby boy............LOVE THAT!!!

Now on to today's reality.

I am going to Geisinger today. My 5th chemo treatment will begin around 10:30ish unless my platelet count has dropped further and then I'm not sure what they will do. The options are to send me home for a week to see if they come back up on their own or a platelet transfusion.

I laid down in my bed last night and just sobbed. I don't want to go there today. I'm tired of going there. I don't want that fish hook of a needle in my chest. Further, I don't want all the pain that follows the treatment......I just don't want it. I'm finally feeling GOOD and can MOVE, my energy is up....not to normal, but it is UP. And now I am taking myself back to get kicked down again. My house is not the way I want it for when I return, I have something that want to do almost every night next week. Susan has graciously agreed to let me borrow the church scooter (Had drving lessons with it last night) for Thursday......might have to PM her about another evening as well. I know my legs aren't going to work well enough to do what I want to do, so this is an option. I'm happy for it butF*CK....I'd MUCH RATHER be able to do it ON MY OWN!!!!!!!!!!

I DO NOT WANT TO GO!!!!!!!!!!!   (*&^&^$%$#@$ #@$%#&%^$*^%$^%$@#^%(&^)(*&))(*^(&^$%$@_)()*^&&$%^&%$*^%$%$#@^%$*^)*&)_(*&)!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Michelle

Subject: RE: LilyFestre - She's gonna be a Celeb on Facebook!!
From: AllisonA(Animaterra)
Date: 16 May 10 - 08:51 AM

Just sitting here while you cry it out, as I did with my toddlers. When you're ready, dear one, you've got all these laps to snuggle on for love and hugs. We'll be with you all day, you know.

Besides, in my new role as fairy godmother, you know that extends to the mama of the baby as well, doncha?

Subject: RE: LilyFestre - She's gonna be a Celeb on Faceboo
From: Stilly River Sage
Date: 16 May 10 - 11:30 AM

Michelle, you can do it, and you'll come out stronger at the end of the week. We all know that. Take care, and comfort yourself with the routines you've worked out.

Subject: RE: LilyFestre - She's gonna be a Celeb on Facebook!!
From: Sandra in Sydney
Date: 16 May 10 - 12:23 PM

listen to your fairy godmother, not everybody has one!

sending lots of love

sandra

Subject: RE: LilyFestre - She's gonna be a Celeb on Facebook!!
From: mouldy
Date: 16 May 10 - 01:19 PM

Just tell yourself that each treatment you have makes one less in the future. (Easy to say, I suppose, when I don't have to go through it myself). You have proved yourself to be one amazingly strong woman, and you are quite within your rights to feel as you do. Nobody is superhuman, even if they do a fairly good impression!

You have come so far already on this journey, and you will see it through!

Andrea xx

Subject: RE: LilyFestre - She's gonna be a Celeb on Facebook!!
From: wysiwyg
Date: 16 May 10 - 02:27 PM

For LF only.

Susan has graciously agreed to let me borrow the church scooter (Had drving lessons with it last night) for Thursday......might have to PM her about another evening as well. I know my legs aren't going to work well enough to do what I want to do, so this is an option. I'm happy for it butF*CK....I'd MUCH RATHER be able to do it ON MY OWN!!!!!!!!!!

:~) [singsong] I'se gonna get you for that one........ [grin grin] I'se gonna quote YOU!:

Picking up from last night's conversation when you said [insert name of another CA battler who KNOWS how it is] had to kick your butt and you liked it-- needed it--

[grin grin] KICK KICK from the scooter-er:

===

[grin grin] KICK KICK You ARE doing it "ON MY OWN" (yourself) when you are on a scooter!!! LICK KICK!!! [grin grin]

(And another load of KICK KICKs from ADA people!)

[grin grin] You knock THAT shite off before Relay if you plan on using it then to loan to the other Relayers you described! KICK KICK [grin grin] Respect them!?!?!

(end of KICK KICK)

[grin grin] You should have the several emails by now covering the #2 request-- short version in case hotmail is slow tdy-- -- yes, remember the safety lesson too, read the manual, and get key from Lisa. Or fone Hardi.

Also (clarification) it is not "the church scooter." It is mine, that I KEEP at the church when it can be loaned. (My family bought it for ME and I choose to share it, about halftime.)

===

We'se still a-prayin' ferya, and don't forget the Ambien!

~Susan

Subject: RE: LilyFestre - She's gonna be a Celeb on Facebook!!
From: LilyFestre
Date: 16 May 10 - 10:29 PM

I am at the House of Care after a long day. I got way overtired and cranky....just like the toddler that Allison described and put myself in time out for a nap. I needed it. Badly.

I made a casserole and salad to bring along for dinner and that worked out fine. After dinner Mom and I went to the grocery store to pick up some milk....ran into my surgeon there. He gave me a big hug, told me I looked good and then he paused and he said, "No, you look TERRIFIC." I told him that it was courtesy of him. He smiled and said, "Partly." :) I love that man!

I still am not wanting to go tomorrow morning but I'm pretty sure there's not a single soul there who has looked forward to it all week long. What can I say? I WANT MY LIFE BACK. I am just NOW feeling strong and having energy. I want to work in the garden. I want to putter around our home. I want to clean off the front porch. I don't want to have to ask to use a scooter. I HATE IT. I HATE that I have to take my normally perky self in there to go home and ride the chemo coaster again. Let me say it again, I HATE IT.

While I'm at it, I have 4 eyelashes on my right eye and a few more on the left. My eyebrows are about gone save for a few strays that like to go every which way and one of them is WHITE. WHITE!!!!

And that ass kicking? Doesn't work unless you've been here. Sorry. I was under the impression that the scooter belonged to the church. Sorry about that too. I have no idea what's going on. Can't find a brain cell to save my life. Packed up stuff for sandwiches while I'm here....3 slices of ham, 2 slices of cheese, etc.....did I remember to pack the um....BREAD?!!?!??   Nope. Gotta love these giant gaps of common sense and normal remembering gaps. ARG.

Someone remember to get me up at 7:00am tomorrow so I can put the numbing cream on in time so it actually works before they stick that giant needle into my chest?

And platelets. I need platelets. Lots of platelets.

So People...please powerful prayers for plenty of perky platelets, pretty please. Panic persists pertaining to pesky plummeting platelets. Pitiful!

Michelle