BS: Has traditional wanking had its day?

Subject: BS: Has traditional wanking had its day?
From: Little Hawk
Date: 04 Mar 10 - 11:17 AM

With the recent proliferation of electronic, programmable handheld devices of all kinds and technology's perifidious invasion of every area in human life, it appears to me that traditional "hands-on" wanking, like the Clawhammer Dulcimer, is becoming a dying art.

I blame people like Madonna for this having happened. In their relentless search for commercial success, they have cheapened the very fiber of what was once a great arts culture, and turned it into a barrage of ephemeral, meaningless sensationalism.

Traditional wankers everywhere must be feeling quite alone and insecure at watching the old ways fade into obscurity.

Anyone else have any illuminating thoughts on this?

Subject: RE: BS: Has traditional wanking had its day?
From: Smedley
Date: 04 Mar 10 - 11:43 AM

Looking at *certain* threads in here, I suspect you need not fear just yet for the demise of this activity.

Subject: RE: BS: Has traditional wanking had its day?
From: mousethief
Date: 04 Mar 10 - 11:48 AM

Wait, I'm supposed to wank with a clawhammer? This explains so much! Back later, I've got practicin' to do.

O..O
=o=

Subject: RE: BS: Has traditional wanking had its day?
From: theleveller
Date: 04 Mar 10 - 11:53 AM

No. That's why folkies are dying out.

Subject: RE: BS: Has traditional wanking had its day?
From: fat B****rd
Date: 04 Mar 10 - 11:57 AM

Yet another example of a handed down tradition forced out by commercialism.

Subject: RE: BS: Has traditional wanking had its day?
From: theleveller
Date: 04 Mar 10 - 11:57 AM

Actually, I was looking at a research document about this recently and it said that the respondents were broken down by age and sex. I know how they feel!

Subject: RE: BS: Has traditional wanking had its day?
From: John MacKenzie
Date: 04 Mar 10 - 11:59 AM

No need for self abuse on here, there are plenty willing to do it for you.

Subject: RE: BS: Has traditional wanking had its day?
From: frogprince
Date: 04 Mar 10 - 12:03 PM

Little Hawk, it's one thing when you come on here to pull everybody's legs , but...

Subject: RE: BS: Has traditional wanking had its day?
From: gnomad
Date: 04 Mar 10 - 12:05 PM

Each succeeding generation believes that it invented sex, though manifestly incorrectly. There is a strong element of the relay in the two-or-more-person form, in that knowledge is passed between practitioners, and only a relatively small number set out down the road with neither party having gone before. Accessories may therefore be a part of even the very first experience of such sex that an individual may have.

Solo sex, however, is an activity which I believe the majority discover for themselves, without recourse to significant mechanical assistance. (Please! No tales of spin-driers, it is to early in the day) They may of course progress to more elaborate arrangements, but few will do so right from the outset. In short the successive generations of wankers discovering the art for themselves will ensure that the old ways are constantly refreshed and carried on.

There are also whole counties (countries, even) whose inhabitants are far too mean to pay for technology to do what they can do themselves for nothing.

I believe that your concerns are misplaced, and hope that this will come as some small relief to you.

Subject: RE: BS: Has traditional wanking had its day?
From: John MacKenzie
Date: 04 Mar 10 - 12:13 PM

Give that man a big hand.

Subject: RE: BS: Has traditional wanking had its day?
From: Bob the Postman
Date: 04 Mar 10 - 12:16 PM

When I was your age we knew HOW to wank! A little spit, a firm grip with the right hand (as though shaking hands with the minister after a church service) and heigh-ho says rolly. Sadly, so much contemporary wanking is shoddy left-handed stuff--and for why? Because you darn kids have got your right hand on the mouse, click click clicking your way through a photo gallery we would have sold our souls or our sisters for back when Hector was a pup. What will become of you all I shudder to think. I'm just glad I won't be around to bid when you start listing your used Cyberonic Onanotrons on eBay.

Subject: RE: BS: Has traditional wanking had its day?
From: Little Hawk
Date: 04 Mar 10 - 01:09 PM

Thanks, gnomad! You have greatly relieved my concerns with that encouraging and thoughtful post. ;-)

Subject: RE: BS: Has traditional wanking had its day?
From: robomatic
Date: 04 Mar 10 - 01:29 PM

There Is Too Much Light In This Bar

Subject: RE: BS: Has traditional wanking had its day?
From: Lizzie Cornish 1
Date: 04 Mar 10 - 01:50 PM

Methinks Chongo is sitting at Little Hawk's computer, grinning from ear to ear as he started this thread.

Dare I ask how you differentiate between traditional and non-traditional? Oh gawd, let's not go there, I'm truly not old enough!

Postman Bob has me in hysterics! So naughty, but so funny. :0)

Subject: RE: BS: Has a traditional sly wank had its day?
From: Severn
Date: 04 Mar 10 - 02:04 PM

By a stroke or three of good luck, the old customs are still embraced among the wank-and-file who are still determined to beat off all opposition, or so they tell me.

Are there any folklorists in here who have studied how this tradition has been handed down through the generations?

Subject: RE: BS: Has traditional wanking had its day?
From: The Sandman
Date: 04 Mar 10 - 02:19 PM

I blame Jim Carroll, master baiting used to be handed down orally[aurally],then the revivalists came along,and masterbaiting gradually died out,I would say it was about 1978,when travellers first got televisions in their caravans and started listening to Coronation Street,and decideded to go in for intellectual masturbation rather than physical,some of them even took up modern jazz,and started listening to Dizzy Gillespie.

Subject: RE: BS: Has traditional wanking had its day?
From: John MacKenzie
Date: 04 Mar 10 - 02:20 PM

Too late onan up there Sev

Subject: RE: BS: Has traditional wanking had its day?
From: Severn
Date: 04 Mar 10 - 02:40 PM

Would intellectual masterbation be considered the same thing as a "Stroke Of Genius"?












YOU-REEK-A!

Subject: RE: BS: Has traditional wanking had its day?
From: gnu
Date: 04 Mar 10 - 02:43 PM

Too much could affect climax change.

Subject: RE: BS: Has traditional wanking had its day?
From: Bill D
Date: 04 Mar 10 - 02:48 PM

Can anyone still spell 'masturbation', or is that why silly, easy-to-spell euphemisms came about?

Subject: RE: BS: Has traditional wanking had its day?
From: Rasener
Date: 04 Mar 10 - 03:02 PM

If the youngsters are using their left hand, why do people still use the expression "You are a right wanker" ?

Subject: RE: BS: Has traditional wanking had its day?
From: Acorn4
Date: 04 Mar 10 - 03:19 PM

I never thought I'd live to see an electronic toothbrush but there you go!

Subject: RE: BS: Has traditional wanking had its day?
From: Amergin
Date: 04 Mar 10 - 04:39 PM

Judging my many of the posts I see at mudcat, verbal masturbation is the IN thing.

Subject: RE: BS: Has traditional wanking had its day?
From: Little Hawk
Date: 04 Mar 10 - 04:42 PM

Absolutely. But is it trad?

Subject: RE: BS: Has traditional wanking had its day?
From: Lox
Date: 04 Mar 10 - 04:50 PM

"it said that the respondents were broken down by age and sex. I know how they feel!"

ROFL!!

Subject: RE: BS: Has traditional wanking had its day?
From: John MacKenzie
Date: 04 Mar 10 - 05:15 PM

Last night, I lay awake, I masturbated,
I used my hand,
And it was grand.
Last night, I lay awake, I masturbated,
I used my feet,
It was a treat.
Wank it,
Spank it,
Slap it on the floor.
Ease it,
Squeeze it,
Jam it in the door.
Lots of folks like fornication,
And they think it's fucking grand.
Personally speaking, I prefer to use my hand.


(Funiculi Funicula)

Subject: RE: BS: Has traditional wanking had its day?
From: Joe_F
Date: 04 Mar 10 - 08:53 PM

Aliter:

Last night, I stayed at home and masturbated.
It felt so good! I knew it would.
I lay upon my back and masturbated.
It felt so nice! I did it twice.
My God! You should have seen me on the short strokes!
It felt so grand! I used my hand.
My God! You should have seen me on the long strokes!
It felt so neat! I used my feet.
Smash it. Mash it. Bang it on the floor.
Wrap it round the bedpost. Cram it through the door.
Now there are some who say that sexual intercourse is really great,
But for maximum satisfaction, I prefer to masturbate.

Subject: RE: BS: Has traditional wanking had its day?
From: Rapparee
Date: 04 Mar 10 - 09:46 PM

My good friend Sam Clemens had this to say, in 1879:

My gifted predecessor has warned you against the "social
evil--adultery." In his able paper he exhausted that subject; he
left absolutely nothing more to be said on it. But I will
continue his good work in the cause of morality by cautioning you
against that species of recreation called self-abuse to which I
perceive you are much addicted. All great writers on health and
morals, both ancient and modern, have struggled with this stately
subject; this shows its dignity and importance. Some of these
writers have taken one side, some the other.

    Homer, in the second book of the Iliad says with fine
enthusiasm, "Give me masturbation or give me death." Caesar, in
his Commentaries, says, "To the lonely it is company; to the
forsaken it is a friend; to the aged and to the impotent it is a
benefactor. They that are penniless are yet rich, in that they
still have this majestic diversion." In another place this
experienced observer has said, "There are times when I prefer it
to sodomy."
      
    Robinson Crusoe says, "I cannot describe what I owe to this
gentle art." Queen Elizabeth said, "It is the bulwark of
virginity." Cetewayo, the Zulu hero, remarked, "A jerk in the
hand is worth two in the bush." The immortal Franklin has said,
"Masturbation is the best policy."

    Michelangelo and all of the other old masters--"old masters,"
I will remark, is an abbreviation, a contraction--have used
similar language. Michelangelo said to Pope Julius II, "Self-
negation is noble, self-culture beneficent, self-possession is
manly, but to the truly great and inspiring soul they are poor and
tame compared with self-abuse." Mr. Brown, here, in one of his
latest and most graceful poems, refers to it in an eloquent line
which is destined to live to the end of time--"None knows it but
to love it; none name it but to praise."

    Such are the utterances of the most illustrious of the
masters of this renowned science, and apologists for it. The
name of those who decry it and oppose it is legion; they have made
strong arguments and uttered bitter speeches against it--but there
is not room to repeat them here in much detail. Brigham Young, an
expert of incontestable authority, said, "As compared with the
other thing, it is the difference between the lightning bug and the
lightning." Solomon said, "There is nothing to recommend it but
its cheapness." Galen said, "It is shameful to degrade to such
bestial uses that grand limb, that formidable member, which we
votaries of Science dub the Major Maxillary--when they dub it at
all--which is seldom, It would be better to amputate the os
frontis than to put it to such use."

    The great statistician Smith, in his report to Parliament,
says, "In my opinion, more children have been wasted in this way
than any other." It cannot be denied that the high antiquity of
this art entitles it to our respect; but at the same time, I think
its harmfulness demands our condemnation. Mr. Darwin was grieved
to feel obliged to give up his theory that the monkey was the
connecting link between man and the lower animals. I think he was
too hasty. The monkey is the only animal, except man, that
practices this science; hence, he is our brother; there is a bond
of sympathy and relationship between us. Give this ingenuous
animal an audience of the proper kind and he will straightway put
aside his other affairs and take a whet; and you will see by his
contortions and his ecstatic expression that he takes an
intelligent and human interest in his performance.

    The signs of excessive indulgence in this destructive pastime
are easily detectable. They are these: a disposition to eat, to
drink, to smoke, to meet together convivially, to laugh, to joke
and tell indelicate stories--and mainly, a yearning to paint
pictures. The results of the habit are: loss of memory, loss of
virility, loss of cheerfulness and loss of progeny.

    Of all the various kinds of sexual intercourse, this has the
least to recommend it. As an amusement, it is too fleeting; as an
occupation, it is too wearing; as a public exhibition, there is no
money in it. It is unsuited to the drawing room, and in the most
cultured society it has long been banished from the social board.
It has at last, in our day of progress and improvement, been
degraded to brotherhood with flatulence. Among the best bred,
these two arts are now indulged in only private--though by consent
of the whole company, when only males are present, it is still
permissible, in good society, to remove the embargo on the
fundamental sigh.

    My illustrious predecessor has taught you that all forms of
the "social evil" are bad. I would teach you that some of these
forms are more to be avoided than others. So, in concluding, I
say, "If you must gamble your lives sexually, don't play a lone
hand too much." When you feel a revolutionary uprising in your
system, get your Vendome Column down some other way--don't jerk it
down.

Subject: RE: BS: Has traditional wanking had its day?
From: MGM·Lion
Date: 04 Mar 10 - 10:09 PM

I have only just discovered this thread. This is a very rude thread indeed. And anybody will tell you that contributing to this very rude thread will drive you mad and make you blind.

So all of you stop it at once, do you hear! At once, I say. Didn't you hear me. Stopitstopitstopitstopit ~~~

Subject: RE: BS: Has traditional wanking had its day?
From: Ed T
Date: 04 Mar 10 - 10:58 PM

I knew a guy who could change hands, while when playing his instrument, and gain a stroke....well, a strum, if the instrument is a guitar.

Subject: RE: BS: Has traditional wanking had its day?
From: Jack Blandiver
Date: 05 Mar 10 - 03:22 AM

There's already been a wanking thread - see HERE. I've just looked at my post for 12 Aug 09 - 10:50 AM which seems to cover the notion of Traditional Wanking quite well. I'm reposting it here (expanded) so all you Traditional Wankers out there might learn something.

*

Traditional Wanking is the achievement of ejaculation without adequate orgasm; it seems some 80% of all men suffer from this inability, thus leading to feelings of guilt, inadequacy, frustration, depression and in extreme cases it might even result in them taking up folk singing. Onanism, on the other hand, is celebratory, shameless & erotically joyful male-masturbation in which the virtuosic techniques of ecstasy result in a near infinite orgasmic plateau long before the old semen puts in an appearance, which is, of course, optional. It also turns women on something rotten, unlike Trad. Wanking which we might think of as a lavatorial Number Three.

The key, as in so many things, is good lubrication. Trad. Wanking is dry, done with a ring made by the thumb and first finger; Onanism uses both hands approximating the luscious muscular oozing depths of that which the penis was designed to be most responsive to (vagina, anus & oral cavity - take your pick really).

Whilst Traditional Male Wanking is universally revived, Female Masturbation continues to be HOT. There are pornography sites devoted entirely to quite ordinary young women filming themselves masturbating for the voyeuristic pleasure of men & women alike. An intriguing dichotomy and one deserving of further study, folkloric or otherwise...   

Meanwhile - any good masturbation songs? Here's one:

Muddy Mouth (from Robert Wyatt's Ruth is Stranger than Richard, 1975)

Deep in the undergrows, Handy sighed with relief. He'd come alone in the dark
He'd come again at dawn, if not before the morning cockrise
Meanwhile in the bushes above, behind the toepath which goes along
Beside the canal leading to the sea, which in turn leads on to
All the major oceans - Indian, Atlantic, Pacific,
I can't remember the names Of the others
off - Handy cided to leave
He'd come apart at the seam - endangered life and lawn order before
The more since he lies (even under oaf handy lies) when he feels caught
Between righthand wrong. I think he just might have been wrong this time
Which in turn left him with few alternatives to relieving himself by hand
Alone in the dark, wanking in the bog?

Another is Three Tenses Onanism from Kew. Rhone by John Greaves & Peter Blegvad (1977) but I don't have the words to hand. Anyone??

Subject: RE: BS: Has traditional wanking had its day?
From: John MacKenzie
Date: 05 Mar 10 - 04:04 AM

The difference between an egg, and a wank?
You can beat an egg, but you can't beat a good wank.

Subject: RE: BS: Has traditional wanking had its day?
From: Acorn4
Date: 05 Mar 10 - 04:41 AM

As regards its application to music, for true musical masturbation modern jazz has to be the epitome closely followed by singer songwriters in the style of Leonard Cohen or Nick Drake.

Subject: RE: BS: Has traditional wanking had its day?
From: Jack Blandiver
Date: 05 Mar 10 - 05:34 AM

for true musical masturbation modern jazz has to be the epitome

As long as Folkies are still coming out with bollocks like that, Trad. Wanking will be alive & well.

Some Modern Jazz - not wank, more explosive group sex!

Subject: RE: BS: Has traditional wanking had its day?
From: Acorn4
Date: 05 Mar 10 - 08:00 AM

Given the title of the thread is not a certain amount of the said b******s inevitable?

Subject: RE: BS: Has traditional wanking had its day?
From: Little Hawk
Date: 05 Mar 10 - 08:01 AM

Attempting to read (and then mentally pronounce) your name, my good man, is rather like wanking with a cold, damp, gritty, dishrag...it takes some time, yet yields little or no pleasure. ;-)

As for group sex, that's for morons, and Bonobos. The best sex is between two people who are alone together and who really love one another.

Subject: RE: BS: Has traditional wanking had its day?
From: Little Hawk
Date: 05 Mar 10 - 08:11 AM

Oh, that wasn't directed to you, Acorn. It was directed to Slaibhineidht O'Pidheahibhineigh or whatever the f*ck his name is... ;-D

I wonder how it is pronounced?

Subject: RE: BS: Has traditional wanking had its day?
From: GUEST,Neil D
Date: 05 Mar 10 - 08:59 AM

anybody will tell you that contributing to this very rude thread will drive you mad and make you blind.

Well, can I do it till I drool a little and need glasses.

Subject: RE: BS: Has traditional wanking had its day?
From: GUEST,Steamin' Willie
Date: 05 Mar 10 - 09:17 AM

At least if it makes you go blind, you can make a living as a blues guitarist. The style is known as hand jive if I am not mistaken.

it can affect your health in other ways too. One bloke went to the doctors and the doctor said, "It's no good, you are going to have to stop wanking."

"Why?" said the bloke.

"Cos' I am trying to examine you" said the doc.

Amen & Druse.

Subject: RE: BS: Has traditional wanking had its day?
From: Rapparee
Date: 05 Mar 10 - 11:17 AM

LH, that name would be prounced by the Sassenach as "Sweeny O'Peebrak". I'm certain you're familar with the Great Pipes, the piobrachs, and the legend of Mad Sweeney.

Subject: RE: BS: Has traditional wanking had its day?
From: Rapparee
Date: 05 Mar 10 - 11:18 AM

(Lordy, do I have to do EVERYTHING around here?)

Subject: RE: BS: Has traditional wanking had its day?
From: John MacKenzie
Date: 05 Mar 10 - 12:08 PM

Nah, it's Shorn the Sheep.

Subject: RE: BS: Has traditional wanking had its day?
From: frogprince
Date: 05 Mar 10 - 12:16 PM

A long time ago, in a universe far, far away, a farm boy from way out in the sticks went to a very conservative religious school in a large city. There came a day when, in private conversation with one of the deans of men, he admitted to a measure of sexual frustration. The dean asked him if he was ever driven to "masturbation, or self abuse". The young man's reply was, "masturbation, yes; self abuse, no."

If anyone ever asks me if that is autobiographical, I think that I'll lie and say that it isn't.

Subject: RE: BS: Has traditional wanking had its day?
From: Acorn4
Date: 05 Mar 10 - 12:28 PM

I thought Wanking was a town in China until I discovered Smirnoff!

Subject: RE: BS: Has traditional wanking had its day?
From: John MacKenzie
Date: 05 Mar 10 - 12:38 PM

Wanking in Scotland, means one male monarch.

Subject: RE: BS: Has traditional wanking had its day?
From: Bill D
Date: 05 Mar 10 - 12:39 PM

I finally see the point of the name....Wanking is the fall-back solution when winking fails.

Subject: RE: BS: Has traditional wanking had its day?
From: John MacKenzie
Date: 05 Mar 10 - 12:43 PM

And in the next cage laydees and gentlepeeps, we have....
The Winky Wanky Bird!
Yes, the Winky Wanky bird; it's eyskin is connected to it's foreskin, and every time it winks; it wanks.
MADAM; STOP THROWING SAND IN IT'S EYES!

Subject: RE: BS: Has traditional wanking had its day?
From: Rasener
Date: 05 Mar 10 - 01:20 PM

Q: Why is having a wank like eating McDonald's?
A: Because it's always exactly the same and afterwards you?.swear you'll never do it again.

A new priest is being given instructions on what to do when he takes confession. The older priest tells the new man, for things like stealing, give 5 hail mary's, and for sleeping with the neighbours, 10 hail mary's.So the new priest is taking confession one day. The first man in tells the priest he slept with the woman next door. The priest tells him to do 10 hail mary's and he's on his way.The next man in, confesses to having a wank behind a bush. Somewhat puzzled, the priest steps out of the confessional box and asks two passing alter boys what the "old man" gives for a wank behind a bush.The two boys reply, "A can of Coke and a Mars Bar."

Subject: RE: BS: Has traditional wanking had its day?
From: John MacKenzie
Date: 05 Mar 10 - 01:50 PM

Why is making love in a boat, like Budweiser Lite?
Because it's fucking near water.

Subject: RE: BS: Has traditional wanking had its day?
From: Little Hawk
Date: 05 Mar 10 - 02:31 PM

OMIGOD! I just found this:

Country song: "Dear Penis" by Rodney Carrington