BS: Second Joke Thread of 2010

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread of 2010
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 08 Jul 10 - 09:39 AM

"Conflicting Proverbs "

Actions speak louder than words.
The pen is mightier than the sword.

Look before you leap.
He who hesitates is lost.

Many hands make light work.
Too many cooks spoil the broth.

A silent man is a wise one.
A man without words is a man without thoughts.

Beware of Greeks bearing gifts.
Don't look a gift horse in the mouth.

Clothes make the man.
Don't judge a book by its cover.

Nothing ventured, nothing gained.
Better safe than sorry.

The bigger, the better.
The best things come in small packages.

Absence makes the heart grow fonder.
Out of sight, out of mind.

What will be, will be.
Life is what you make it.

Cross your bridges when you come to them.
Forewarned is forearmed.

What's good for the goose is good for the gander.
One man's meat is another man's poison.

With age comes wisdom.
Out of the mouths of babes and sucklings come
all wise sayings.

The more, the merrier.
Two's company; three's a crowd.

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread of 2010
From: Joe_F
Date: 07 Jul 10 - 07:28 PM

I forgot to add to the motif of my previous post:

What's the difference between a rich Scotsman, a puir Scotsman, and a deid Scotsman?

A rich Scotsman has a canopy over his bed. A puir Scotsman has a can o' pee under his bed. And a deid Scotsman canna pee at a'.

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread of 2010
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 07 Jul 10 - 08:30 AM

"Letters on the Collar"

A priest was walking along the school corridor near
the preschool wing when a group of little ones were
trotting by on the way to the cafeteria. One little lad
of about three or four stopped and looked at him in
his clerical clothes and asked,

"Why do you dress funny?"

He told him that he was a priest and that this is the
uniform priests wear.

The boy pointed to the priest's little plastic collar insert
and asked, "Does it hurt? Do you have a Boo-boo?"

The priest was perplexed till he realized that to him
the collar insert looked like a Band-Aid. So the priest
took it out to show him. On the back of the collar are
raised letters giving the name of the manufacturer.

The little guy felt the letters, and the priest asked,
"Do you know what those words say?"

"Yes I do," said the lad who was not old enough to
read.

Peering intently at the letters he said, "It says,
'Kills ticks and fleas for up to six months!' "

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread of 2010
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 04 Jul 10 - 08:44 PM

"The Talking Parrot"

A lady is looking to purchase a pet for companionship,
and so she goes to the local pet shop to purchase a cat or
such. However, when she arrives, she is intrigued by
the beautiful young parrot on a perch by the counter.

"Will this parrot talk?" she asks the owner.
   
"Oh yes, this parrot comes from a long line of excellent
talkers. In two weeks, he will be mimicking your
speech like he's having a conversation with you."

The lady excitedly purchases the bird in a large cage
(for a handsome fee) and takes it home.

Two weeks later, she comes into the store.

"This bird you sold me hasn't said a word!"
   
The owner looks puzzled.

"I can't understand it, that is our best talker. He
should talk when he swings. "
   
"What? You didn't sell me a swing!"

The owner happily sells her a swing for the bird's
cage.

But, two weeks later, she returns with the same
complaint.
   
"I really can't understand it, he should talk after
exercising on the ladder," the owner says.

Frustrated that he didn't tell her this before, she
buys the ladder.

Two weeks later, ...you know.
   
The owner says, "something is wrong, because
when he climbs on the stairs, and gets on his swing,
and looks into the mirror, he definitely should be
talking!"

She buys the mirror, and in two more weeks.
In she walks with the cage, containing the swing,
ladder, mirror... and one dead parrot with its legs
up in the air.

"Here's your mute bird and all the junk you sold me -
all I want is my money back!"
   
The owner was dumbfounded.

"Lady, this is the first parrot that has ever come back -
didn't the parrot say any words at all??"
   
"Well, now that you mention it, he did, say one thing,"
she said.

"He said, 'Doesn't... that... shop... sell.... Bird food?!?'"

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread of 2010
From: Michael
Date: 04 Jul 10 - 04:35 PM

Juke of Edinburgh? Smokes joints?

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread of 2010
From: Mrrzy
Date: 04 Jul 10 - 02:13 PM

I'd settle for more joints...

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread of 2010
From: Rapparee
Date: 03 Jul 10 - 10:44 PM

I like it as a juke thread...we need more juke joints.

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread of 2010
From: Joe_F
Date: 03 Jul 10 - 09:17 PM

Male Jews are often named after their (deceased) grandfathers, and such was the case of a certain respected rabbi, who, as is customary, drank to excess at a Purim celebration, and fell asleep on the floor. The other celebrants conspired to lay him out on his grandfather's grave, reasoning that he would be sure to say something wise when he woke. So they did, and concealed themselves nearby. When he woke, he had a careful look around, and said: "I am either alive or dead. If I am alive, why am I in a graveyard under a tombstone bearing my name? But if I am dead, why do I have to piss?"

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread of 2010
From: Mrrzy
Date: 03 Jul 10 - 09:09 PM

no, it's just funny.

Q: What has four legs and an arm?
A: A happy pit bull.

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread of 2010
From: Naemanson
Date: 03 Jul 10 - 09:03 PM

Somebody's looking too hard for things to disagree about.

Subject: RE: BS: Second Juke Thread of 2010
From: mousethief
Date: 03 Jul 10 - 06:20 PM

Is that one of those "ha ha ha we should all be Republicans because taking care of the poor costs us too much" jokes?

Subject: RE: BS: Second Juke Thread of 2010
From: Rapparee
Date: 03 Jul 10 - 06:14 PM

Is this thread like a juke joint?

Subject: BS: Second Joke Thread of 2010
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 03 Jul 10 - 06:02 PM

"Great Benefits"

A woman, applying for a job, inquired about the
benefits. The Personnel Manager informed her
they had group health and life insurance, but the
costs were deducted from the employee's pay.

She said, "My last employer had full health coverage,
as well as five year's salary for life insurance and a
month's sick leave AND they paid the full premiums."

"I cannot help but ask why you would leave a job
with such benefits," the interviewer replied.

The woman shrugged her shoulders and said,

"The company went bankrupt."