BS: Solstice/Yule/Christmas/Holiday Tavern

Subject: BS: Solstice/Yule/Christmas/Holiday Tavern
From: Liz the Squeak
Date: 21 Dec 10 - 05:55 PM

~Bright blessings all and best wishes for whichever holiday you're celebrating. I'm drinking alcoholic ginger beer... as many as you're willing to serve me!

The squid is stuffed with sage and onion, the tree is in the jello pit and the turkey decorations look delightful... maybe a little toooo much beer...

LTS

Subject: RE: BS: Solstice/Yule/Christmas/Holiday Tavern
From: Geoff the Duck
Date: 21 Dec 10 - 08:20 PM

A portal opens just behind the wooden beam to the left of the open stairway to the tertiary kitchen.
Webbed feet slide on the frost lining the shimmering portal...



flump,

whump,

frump,

yump,

glump,

thud!

YIKES!!!

Minding my own business, and all it takes is a drop of gin and here I am again...

Oh well!

Is there anything prehistoric roasting on the spit yet???

Quack!

Subject: RE: BS: Solstice/Yule/Christmas/Holiday Tavern
From: Leadfingers
Date: 21 Dec 10 - 08:44 PM

In through the West London portal comes ANOTHER banjo ! Fancy a duet Geoff ? And is there still Macallan behind the bar ?

Subject: RE: BS: Solstice/Yule/Christmas/Holiday Tavern
From: GUEST,erbert
Date: 21 Dec 10 - 09:31 PM

It is my birthday.

Do not annoy me you infuriating petty noisy selfish weak mortals..

I am the Pagan Solstice God Child of fertility and death

and you are mere cockroach poo under my feet.

Do not ever again dare argue with the bar man while I enjoy my quiet relaxing last orders birthday pint

or your tiny little world will perish under my wrath.



.. nice birthday cake though.. chocolate cream and whispy fondant whirls...

and a tenner for a celabratory drink in my birthday card envelope from my dear old mum..



Beware mortals I will wipe that stupid grin from your idiot faces on 21 December 2012...

anyone got an alka seltzer ???

Subject: RE: BS: Solstice/Yule/Christmas/Holiday Tavern
From: Rapparee
Date: 21 Dec 10 - 10:23 PM

"Bite me, erb," he says as he strides manfully through door on his horse. "My buddy Tyr lent me Fenrir as my pet, and even though he looks like a frightened dachshund he'll rip you to shreds. A flagon of mead, if you please, barwench!"

Subject: RE: BS: Solstice/Yule/Christmas/Holiday Tavern
From: GUEST,erbert
Date: 21 Dec 10 - 10:35 PM

By the mighty hairy arse of Odin
and the huge lunchbox hammer pants of Thor
and all that is terrible scaryifying in the nether world of X factor
I will smite thee with the magical sword of Tommy Cooper
if thou dare taketh the piss out of me on my day of birth..

For this I say.. I will..

actually I don't feel to well right now..

ow.. terrible cramp in my bowels

I'll be back....

Subject: RE: BS: Solstice/Yule/Christmas/Holiday Tavern
From: Jack the Sailor
Date: 22 Dec 10 - 01:07 AM

Hand me some of dat stuffed squid and pour me a shot of Canadian Club and I'll be appy!

Subject: RE: BS: Solstice/Yule/Christmas/Holiday Tavern
From: Rapparee
Date: 22 Dec 10 - 09:47 AM

Ah, sorry. Didn't know the horse had the scours.

Subject: RE: BS: Solstice/Yule/Christmas/Holiday Tavern
From: Severn
Date: 22 Dec 10 - 11:58 AM

Oh my [cut and paste your deity of choice here]!!!! I'll try "By Neptune's Trident (or anything else Wriggly he can find to chew on at the moment)!"

Has our beloved Squid been actually sacrificed and cooked, or has he merely overstuffed HIMSELF as usual, glomming it in 10 handfuls at a time? I hope that no one has neen callow enough to have made Mari of my Cephlopod buddy. (LIZ! He LOVES/LOVED you!) If so, may he burst into song with a dancing chorus of 24 blackbirds doing moves that they copped from The Ikettes, singing, "Nyahh, Nyahh! We're not done yet!" followed by a chorus of "Don't Wail For Me Ike & Tina" in tribute to their choreographers.

I CAN sympathise with Jack's hunger, having seen "20,000 Leagues Under The Sea" umpteen times and realize that it's an eat-or-be-eaten world out there at sea....

I hope the Duck and the Gator are not being served up as well, even though they would surely taste better than, say, the Moth or having the Caterpillar served for Grub Steak. Can Raven Kitty even feel safe from the wok?

I sampled the traditional festive Jello from the pit, and the flavors seem to be Red Beet and Swiss Chard, which could actually probably kill a Squid and do harm to some of the rest of us. Has thhe budget committee come to the point in these recession times to change our supplier from Hospital Surplus to Oscar The Grouch?

What's wrong with the traditional "Auroch-in' Around The Solstice Tree at the Solstice Party Hop"?

A Hanson's Diet Pomegranite Soda and some cookies from the sugar-free bowl, please.....

Subject: RE: BS: Solstice/Yule/Christmas/Holiday Tavern
From: ClaireBear
Date: 22 Dec 10 - 12:40 PM

So this Bear lumbers into a bar...

Subject: RE: BS: Solstice/Yule/Christmas/Holiday Tavern
From: Severn
Date: 22 Dec 10 - 01:26 PM

And this lonely feller named Davy tries to grin Claire down. She could almost swear that the coon's head on his hat actually winked at her, but it might have been some of the Home-Bruin she's consumed earlier. She tells the foontiersman to take his Sh*t and Crockett, and to take his "grin-and-bear(bare?)-it"routine elsewhere as it was more than this bear could traffic!.

"I do de-Claire!", says Davy as he slinks away, racoon-tail between his legs. He goes back to his table in hopes that his friend Jim can Bowie his spirits.

Jim passes him a drink with a small knife floating in it and Davy points to the object in his Grizzly Beer and roars "What the HELL is this?"

Jim replies, "I call it a Bouy Knife", after which they both howl with laughter like a coupla Good Ol' Bowies .

Subject: RE: BS: Solstice/Yule/Christmas/Holiday Tavern
From: Ebbie
Date: 22 Dec 10 - 02:08 PM

" he strides manfully through door on his horse." My brain finished that sentence as "... on his knees."

This crowd is too sophisticated for me. I'll have me a beer, please- make it Alaskan Amber. I'll check in the corners to see if my own kind is around.

Subject: RE: BS: Solstice/Yule/Christmas/Holiday Tavern
From: gnu
Date: 22 Dec 10 - 02:50 PM

A sled pulls up outside and a vague dark figure throws chunks of seal blubber to the dogs who fight ravenously for every scrap in the dim light of the early night of winter.

The door of the tavern flies open and the stranger flicks back the hood of his parka in one smooth swift motion... "I'll have a Moose-n-Meth and fire up a tray of Hot Lemmings!", says Tyler, "And I want my drink in a dirty graduated cylinder. What's that howling I hear? Could there be wolves crying at the door or is my malamutes who have smelled the alluring fragrance of the leemings and hot sauce and cry for that culinary delight of their native Great White Frozen North?... and are sick and tired of seal fat? Ya got any Alpo? The stuff for big working dogs?"

Subject: RE: BS: Solstice/Yule/Christmas/Holiday Tavern
From: Severn
Date: 22 Dec 10 - 03:30 PM

"That Raven mainiac Edgar Alpo made made a delivery of the very stuff this mourning", says the bartender to Tyler, who's looking as though his canoe has been tipped recently and could use any warmth he can find. "It's always a mystery how he knows to come. We hadn't ushered him into the house since the Fall. Glad you brought your own blubber for the dogs, as no one had thought to donate any Christmas Seals this year. We'd hate to hear them wailing for their blubber! But I know canned food has been a special treat in the Great White Frozen north since the days when Lord Franklin first introduced it, so help yourself!"


What was the horse doing lying in the doorway where people could walk on it, Severn wonders, scuffing their boots all the while?....

"Enough with the Raven jokes.", mutters Liz's kitty....

Subject: RE: BS: Solstice/Yule/Christmas/Holiday Tavern
From: ClaireBear
Date: 22 Dec 10 - 03:42 PM

I'll join Ebbie in a beer. No, not literally -- quit, that, Squid!

Make mine a Hop Ottin', please, in a chilled glass. And a Moose Drool for my friend on the horse. He'll need it to clear his head after the mead. And put a pitcher of martinis in the trough for the horse, please -- he looks a bit peaked.

I brought some brined salmon for the grill, and some apple wood to smoke it with -- enough for a crowd. Let me just brush it with honey -- here -- and it's ready to go. Aaaaah, contentment.

Subject: RE: BS: Solstice/Yule/Christmas/Holiday Tavern
From: open mike
Date: 23 Dec 10 - 02:40 AM

Salmon? I'm in! I'll wrap some taters in foil and roast them near the edge of the blazing yule fire pit...Sierra Rose or Klondike Rose or Red Gold ones are the best...with golden flesh and red skin...Or I would settle for the next best thing Yukon Gold or Yellow Finn...on my radio show my nick name is Common 'Tater, but i do prefer the uncommon ones..

hmmm...maybe some chestnuts roasting would be good as well?
have you ever been to a place where there is a chestnut seller
offering fresh roasted ones on the street?

Subject: RE: BS: Solstice/Yule/Christmas/Holiday Tavern
From: gnu
Date: 23 Dec 10 - 06:53 AM

Keep! Set Severn, The Master, up with another on me.

Subject: RE: BS: Solstice/Yule/Christmas/Holiday Tavern
From: Rapparee
Date: 23 Dec 10 - 08:39 AM

"No!" screams Chet. "Not again! Every Christmas season someone is roasting Chet's nuts over an open fire!"

Subject: RE: BS: Solstice/Yule/Christmas/Holiday Tavern
From: Ebbie
Date: 23 Dec 10 - 02:12 PM

I don't know from Chet but I have never in my life eaten chestnuts, roasted or not.

Must redress that omission soon.

Subject: RE: BS: Solstice/Yule/Christmas/Holiday Tavern
From: Severn
Date: 24 Dec 10 - 02:10 AM

Travis enters and makes a third mesquiteer at the table with Crockett and Bowie.

"I would have brought our friendly Mexican adversary with me, but he was complaining of an attack of Cortez's Revenge he got from eating in a dining hall in Monteczuma.", he tells his compadres.

"Heave away, Santy Ano!", sing out his friends in chorus.

"Too bad", says Davy Crockett. "Santa Anna would've made the perfect Anti-Santa."

"But at least you're here!", said Jim Bowie. "We couldn't make a Travesty of Christmas without you!"

"Well, thank you! Have we ordered dinner,yet?"

"I ordered my favorite, Chicken Crockettes, all around", replied Davy."And pie for desert."

"What, again?" says Jim.

"Whaddaya mean? Last time we let Travis do the picking!"

A bottle of Tequila appears and everything settles down for a while...


Ebbie,

Redress your chestnut omission properly as part of the herbed stuffing for your next turkey. You won't regret it, even all the long preparations.

Subject: RE: BS: Solstice/Yule/Christmas/Holiday Tavern
From: Rapparee
Date: 24 Dec 10 - 09:57 AM

"Chet will. He told me so," says the man holding the horse (who still has the scours, and the room is filling up). "By the way, does anyone have a large cork?"

Subject: RE: BS: Solstice/Yule/Christmas/Holiday Tavern
From: gnu
Date: 25 Dec 10 - 05:12 AM

Silent night eh?

Subject: RE: BS: Solstice/Yule/Christmas/Holiday Tavern
From: Rapparee
Date: 25 Dec 10 - 11:04 AM

Everyone was at church, churl. I had to stay up and take care of my horse, Old Bossy, and put up the danged tree.

Subject: RE: BS: Solstice/Yule/Christmas/Holiday Tavern
From: Severn
Date: 25 Dec 10 - 11:48 AM

"Heck!", the harried angels sang.

Sit ye down, rest ye merry and let thy halos proudly shine! A great job, wounderously accomplished, as always! Relax, thou hast surely earned it.....

Subject: RE: BS: Solstice/Yule/Christmas/Holiday Tavern
From: Severn
Date: 26 Dec 10 - 02:24 AM

Raven looks longingly at the Christmas tree in the middle of the Jello pit surrounded by a sea of translucent red and green chunks. What's the use being a kitty if you can'r wreak havoc on a tree full of orniments. Phooey!....

The band breaks into "Run, Run, Rudolph" while Geoff The Duck demonstrates his best Chuck Berry Walk....

The shanty singers are competing in a corner with a version of "Baloo Belay"....

Liz is taking her time in the loo, as always, and the line is growing and growing restless....

The Alligator is half-crocked behind the bar and is invemting new drinks with Cajun names....

Subject: RE: BS: Solstice/Yule/Christmas/Holiday Tavern
From: Ebbie
Date: 27 Dec 10 - 12:50 AM

Well. I had a nice little nap. Anything happen while I was out?

Subject: RE: BS: Solstice/Yule/Christmas/Holiday Tavern
From: Severn
Date: 27 Dec 10 - 01:52 AM

"Remember the Alpo!" yells Tyler, which awakens the three Texans from their Tequila-induced stupor.
"Why do they call those mangy critters Mal-MUTES if they keep howlin' at the top of their lungs all the time?", growls Davy Crockett.....

Now that Ebbie's stopped snoring, everyone can hear a lot better.....

A lot of the recently snowbound folks have gone out the far left back door to the beach, but Severn declines the invite. Being a former redhead, he burnt easily back in the days before he burnt easily.....

The shantymen in the corner, still in a Christmas mood, break into "Haul The Decks"....

Our reptile bartender is trying to get folks to try his newest creation, "The Insta-Gator"....

The cork in 'erbert's 'orse's arse is holding out for now, but after drinking freely from the trough full of Martinis, he's beginning to resemble Lee Marvin's mount in "Cat Ballou". Geoff The Duck is merrily swimming in what's left in the trough....

The line to the loo is growing longer. What could be wrong with Liz THIS year?
"Liz! Liz! Are you all right in there?" calls out the alligator.
The bartender thinks he'll give a bit of that Ginger Beer to the horse to see what happens before he pours out any more for the humans, just as a safety measure....

Is the Squid alive or dead? I guess we'll have to find that out from Liz, who doesn't seem to be squeaking to anybody at the moment....

When Christmas comes, there will be party favors and stocking stuffers provided by SINSULL. Be afraid!....

Subject: RE: BS: Solstice/Yule/Christmas/Holiday Tavern
From: Severn
Date: 27 Dec 10 - 12:32 PM

There is a knock at the pin. Some kids in disguise are carrying a beggar's bowl and a tacky framed felt painting of late period Elvis.

"Please to see The King?"

The door slams....

Subject: RE: BS: Solstice/Yule/Christmas/Holiday Tavern
From: Severn
Date: 29 Dec 10 - 01:10 AM

There is a knock at the pin. Some kids in disguise are carrying a begging bowl and leading a huge Gorilla in a bellboy outfit who's dancing to seasonal music played on a barrel organ.

"Please to see The Kong?"

The door slams....

Subject: RE: BS: Solstice/Yule/Christmas/Holiday Tavern
From: Liz the Squeak
Date: 29 Dec 10 - 04:19 AM

What have you lot done? Raven kitty disappeared Christmas night and hasn't been seen since. I blame the squid.

I have a horrible feeling I'm supposed to be somewhere this morning, and I've an even more horrible feeling I am now 2 hours late for work.... oops. Ah well, if I'm going to be late I may as well be very late so pour me another hot chocolate barkeep, it's all blurry out there!

LTS

Subject: RE: BS: Solstice/Yule/Christmas/Holiday Tavern
From: open mike
Date: 29 Dec 10 - 03:53 PM

jimmy t came knocking at the door in a festive but brief holiday outfit
pleath to thee the thong? http://www.abcunderwear.com/mens-santa-g.html

Subject: RE: BS: Solstice/Yule/Christmas/Holiday Tavern
From: Severn
Date: 30 Dec 10 - 12:53 AM

There is a knock at the pin. Some kids in disguise are carrying a large begging bowl and a large framed felt painting of Ray Davies.

"Please to see the Kink?"

The door slams yet again.....

Subject: RE: BS: Solstice/Yule/Christmas/Holiday Tavern
From: ClaireBear
Date: 30 Dec 10 - 01:24 AM

There is another knock at the door, which opens to reveal a bearded gentleman in a turban. Sadly he holds up an empty key fob. "Please to key the Singh?" he inquires.

A tentacle extends from the general direction of the Jell-o pit, holding a gleaming, jewel-encrusted key. The stranger's expression brightens. He takes the key very delicately and, nodding politely, departs, closing the door gently behind him.

Subject: RE: BS: Solstice/Yule/Christmas/Holiday Tavern
From: ClaireBear
Date: 30 Dec 10 - 12:44 PM

From outside come the singularly non-dulcet tones of a sizeable group of would-be carollers who are evidently attempting to sing "Pat-a-Pan" quite unaccompanied and without having established what the harmonies are, or where the first note should be pitched. The resultant atonality puts Schoenberg to shame.

No one is eager to open the door when the knock is heard, but the squid again extends a snaky tentacle to turn the knob. Sure enough, outside is a large contingent of coated, scarfed, gloved carollers. Timidly the one who seems to be the leader extends his sheet music to Severn, who is standing closest to the door. "Please to sing the key?" he begs.

Subject: RE: BS: Solstice/Yule/Christmas/Holiday Tavern
From: Severn
Date: 30 Dec 10 - 03:44 PM

A slightly puzzled waitress approaches the Texas table with three pies in covered dishes. "I certainly would have ever taken any of these three for desserters", she thought to herself. "And certainly not the types to do a 180." As she sets the pies down in front of Crockett, Bowie and Travis and removes the lids, she suddenly finds herself surrounded by the angry trio, brandishing hastily drawn knives, swords and pistols.

"What's this?, she cries out in amazement! "Have I commited some sort of unspekable act?"

"Damn right, Lady!", growls Davy as all three roar in unison,

"YOU FORGOT THE A LA MODE!"

Seeing Travis picking up an after-dinner Mince and taking aim, The plucky waitress ducks just in time and the pie flies in the direction of....

Subject: RE: BS: Solstice/Yule/Christmas/Holiday Tavern
From: Liz the Squeak
Date: 31 Dec 10 - 09:44 AM

a very confused Liz the Squeak who has just surfaced from a month of gigs at the Ritz where they know how to treat a gal....

Why do you always blame me for the long lines in the ladies? I wasn't even here, I've been out looking for Raven Kitty or singing carols to posh people as they eat (and yes, I took great delight in singing 'where ox and ass are feeding' several times a night!) or trying to sleep.... did anyone even think to look under the door for a pair of feet in rainbow socks?

LTS

Subject: RE: BS: Solstice/Yule/Christmas/Holiday Tavern
From: Severn
Date: 01 Jan 11 - 12:00 AM

Singing carols for the sake of putting on posh folks at the Ritz surely beats going door to door in disguise in the cold and actually begging. Just ask those kids who keep coming to the Tavern door. I don't think any of these folkies in here have put anything in their begging bowl yet. Jim Bowie threw a peso at them from across the room, and it actually landed in the bowl. God help them if he'd thrown a knife!

Check the date on that peso, boys, at your local coin dealer, as it's probably worth something by now. Probably not mint, but then if you want mint coins, there's some complimentary ones wrapped in gold foil over by the cash register, next to the starlites and after-dinner mints.

Somebody said that someone in rainbow socks was clogging, Liz. Everybody, from past years, figured it was you causing the backup in line for the loo. We're all sorry and apologize.......

.....but then, who (or WHAT) IS in there?

Any luck finding Raven?

Subject: RE: BS: Solstice/Yule/Christmas/Holiday Tavern
From: Liz the Squeak
Date: 01 Jan 11 - 08:04 AM

Raven kitty wandered in at about 6 this morning, perfectly healthy, a bit hungry (no change there) and with no explanation as to where he's been for the past week. Luckily there have been no demands for bail or ransom, so I think we've got away lightly.

Has anyone checked the whereabouts of the duck recently? A duck wearing rainbow striped socks has been seen in the vicinity - which is odd because that's a strange place to wear socks, feet are more commonly garbed thus.

LTS and Raven Kitty.

Subject: RE: BS: Solstice/Yule/Christmas/Holiday Tavern
From: Stilly River Sage
Date: 01 Jan 11 - 05:27 PM

Darn. Looks like calamari is off the menu, then?

Has anyone started the auroch? MMario does this stuff through the first week in January, so maybe he'll arrive with some roast beast later in the week?

Sorry I didn't arrive earlier, but all of this knocking and pinging and singhing off key would have been cruel and usual punnishment, probably driving me to the rafters to dislodge the old swing that used to suspecd the tree in years past. I bet the cat was hiding up there, waiting for someone to give him a turn on the swing.

Good thing Rap hasn't seen it, if he swung around with that horse, he'd be liable to knock a few things over. Horse shoes are better as lucky furnishings for establishiments when a horse isn't in then.

Subject: RE: BS: Solstice/Yule/Christmas/Holiday Tavern
From: Rapparee
Date: 01 Jan 11 - 11:55 PM

Rap would like to have something to stop these scours the horse has. The jell-o pond is filling up with...runny manure...and Squiddy is getting ticked off.

Subject: RE: BS: Solstice/Yule/Christmas/Holiday Tavern
From: Liz the Squeak
Date: 02 Jan 11 - 06:44 AM

Champagne cork and a croquet mallet?

LTS

Subject: RE: BS: Solstice/Yule/Christmas/Holiday Tavern
From: Severn
Date: 02 Jan 11 - 10:25 AM

Squiddy Grabs the drunken horse, who's singing,

"Gwine to run all night
Gwine to run all day..."

and gives him a whole package of Ex-Lax, pours the contents of the coffeemaker down his throat, takes him outside and shakes him over the rose garden until he's finally empty. We should have some prize winners in the Garden Club competition this year!

Tyler's dogs howl with laughter, and it sounds like there was a full moon shining on a passing fire truck....

The Squid then ties the horse to the hitching post with a double knot. Now, what to do with the Jello Pit with the Smell o' Shit...

Liz pours a little "Truth Serum" from her glass unseen into Raven's dish in hopes he might loosen up and reveal where he's been. So far, he ain't tellin' nothin"!....

Subject: RE: BS: Solstice/Yule/Christmas/Holiday Tavern
From: Liz the Squeak
Date: 03 Jan 11 - 06:07 AM

Please!! The horse was bad enough - the last thing we need is a 'loose' kitty (I still remember the 'troubles' after he ate the seed impregnated fat ball meant for my tits....)!

Perhaps if we sluice the jello pit out with the eggnogg that no-one is drinking..... would that help?

LTS

Subject: RE: BS: Solstice/Yule/Christmas/Holiday Tavern
From: Rapparee
Date: 03 Jan 11 - 09:26 AM

If a cat can be inside, why can't my horse? Or my elephant? Or my dinosaur?

Subject: RE: BS: Solstice/Yule/Christmas/Holiday Tavern
From: Liz the Squeak
Date: 03 Jan 11 - 05:50 PM

Rap, bring 'em in if you want but you're on shovellin' duty, especially with the elephant!

The dinosaur is OK, I know a store that could do with a new stock of copralite.

Maybe the eggnogg wasn't such a good idea.... it's just eggsacerbated the problem.

LTS

Subject: RE: BS: Solstice/Yule/Christmas/Holiday Tavern
From: Rapparee
Date: 03 Jan 11 - 09:56 PM

I've nogged off several, preferably with some of that dark rum.

Subject: RE: BS: Solstice/Yule/Christmas/Holiday Tavern
From: Liz the Squeak
Date: 04 Jan 11 - 05:36 AM

That sounds like an eggcellent suggestion...

LTS