BS: 2nd Joke Thread of 2011

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke Thread of 2011
From: MudGuard
Date: 26 Dec 11 - 05:40 PM

modern version of the christmas story

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke Thread of 2011
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 26 Dec 11 - 10:10 AM

Christmas and Hanukkah to Merge

Continuing the current trend of large-scale mergers and acquisitions, it was announced today that Christmas and Hanukkah will merge. An industry source said that the deal had been in the works for about 1,300 years.

While details were not available at press time, it is believed that the overhead cost of having twelve days of Christmas and eight days of Hanukkah was becoming prohibitive for both sides. By combining forces, spokesman say, the world will be able to enjoy consistently high-quality service during the Fifteen Days of Chrismukah, as the new holiday is being called.

Massive layoffs are expected, with lords a-leaping and maids a-milking being the hardest hit. As part of the conditions of the agreement, the letters on the dreydl, currently in Hebrew, will be replaced by Latin, thus becoming unintelligible to a wider audience.

Also, instead of translating to "A great miracle happened there," the message on the dreydl will be the more generic "Miraculous stuff happens." In exchange, it is believed that Jews will be allowed to use Santa Claus and his vast merchandising resources for buying and delivering gifts.

One of the sticking points holding up the agreement for at least three hundred years was the question of whether Jewish children could leave milk and cookies for Santa even after having eaten meat for dinner. A breakthrough came last year, when Oreos were finally declared Kosher. All sides appeared happy about this.

A spokesman for Christmas, Inc., declined to say whether a takeover of Kwanzaa might not be in the works as well. He merely pointed out that, were it not for the independent existence of Kwanzaa, the merger between Christmas and Chanukah might indeed be seen as an unfair cornering of the holiday market. Fortunately for all concerned, he said, Kwanzaa will help to maintain the competitive balance. He then closed the press conference by leading all present in a rousing rendition of "Oy Vey, All Ye Faithful".

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke Thread of 2011
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 26 Dec 11 - 10:03 AM

The 12 Days of Christmas After Reengineering

Global challenges require the North Pole to continue to take more competitive steps. Effective immediately, the following economy measures are to take place in the "Twelve Days of Christmas" subsidiary.

The partridge will be retained, but the pear tree never turned out to be the cash crop forecasted. It will be replaced by a plastic plant, providing savings in maintenance costs.

The two turtle doves represent a redundancy that is simply not cost effective. In addition, their romance during the working hours could not be condoned under the company "zero tolerance" sexual harassment policy. Both positions are, therefore, eliminated.

The three French hens will remain intact and we may actually expand the number of hens used. A recent time-motion-profitability study proved that using illegal migratory fowl is extremely profitable as it eliminates the company's need to provide employee benefits because the hens do not meet federal residency requirements.

The four calling birds were replaced by an automated voice mail system, with a call waiting option. An analysis is underway to determine who the birds have been calling, how often and how long they talked, and whether the calling function can be replaced by e-mail.

The five golden rings have been put on hold by the Board of Directors. Maintaining a portfolio based on one commodity could have negative implications for institutional investors. Diversification into other precious metals as well as a mix of T-bills and high technology stocks appear to be in order.

The six geese-a-laying constitutes a luxury which can no longer be afforded. It has long been felt that the production rate of one egg per goose per day is an example of their decline in productivity. Three geese will be let go, and an upgrading in the selection procedure by the Personnel Department will assure management that from now on every goose it gets will be a good one.

The seven swans-a-swimming is obviously a number chosen in better times. Their function is primarily decorative. Replacement mechanical swans are on order. The current swans will be retrained to learn some new strokes to better enhance their outplacement.

As you know, the eight maids-a-milking concept has been under heavy scrutiny by the EEOC. A male/female balance in the workforce is being sought. The more militant maids consider this a dead-end job with no upward mobility.

Nine ladies dancing has always been an odd number. This function will be phased out as these individuals grow older and can no longer do the steps. Let the reengineering team hasten to add that company policy prohibits age discrimination, and any layoffs must be justified using a business case to preclude any employee lawsuits.

Ten Lords-a-Leaping is overkill. The high costs of Lords plus the expense of international air travel prompted the Compensation Committee to suggest replacing this group with ten out-of-work congressmen. While leaping ability may be somewhat sacrificed because of the high average weight of retired congressmen, significant savings should result due to the number of congressmen left unemployed after the recent election.

Eleven pipers piping and twelve drummers drumming is a simple case of the band getting too big. A substitution with a string quartet, a cutback on new music and the elimination of uniforms will produce significant savings to the bottom line.

Though incomplete, studies by our consultants indicate that stretching deliveries over twelve days is inefficient. If we can drop-ship in one day using a "just in time" system, service levels will be improved and we can expect a substantial reduction in the use of part-time personnel.

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke Thread of 2011
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 26 Dec 11 - 09:57 AM

A Politically Correct Christmas

And Joseph went up from Galilee to Bethlehem with Mary, his espoused wife, who was great with child. And she brought forth a son and wrapped him in swaddling clothes and laid him in a manger because there was no room for them in the inn. And the angel of the Lord spoke to the shepherds and said, "I bring you tidings of great joy. Unto you is born a Savior, which is Christ the Lord."

"There's a problem with the angel," said a Pharisee who happened to be strolling by. As he explained to Joseph, angels are widely regarded as religious symbols, and the stable was on public property where such symbols were not allowed to land or even hover.

"And I have to tell you, this whole thing looks to me very much like a Nativity scene," he said sadly. "That's a no-no, too."

Joseph had a bright idea. "What if I put a couple of reindeer over there near the ox and ass?" he said, eager to avoid sectarian strife.

"That would definitely help," said the Pharisee, who knew as well as anyone that whenever a savior appeared, judges usually liked to be on the safe side and surround it with deer or woodland creatures of some sort. "Just to clinch it, throw in a candy cane and a couple of elves and snowmen, too," he said. "No court can resist that."

Mary asked, "What does my son's birth have to do with snowmen?"

"Snowpersons!" cried a young woman, changing the subject before it veered dangerously toward religion.

Off to the side of the crowd, a Philistine was painting the Nativity scene. Mary complained that she and Joseph looked too tattered and worn in the picture. "Artistic license," he said. "I've got to show the plight of the haggard homeless in a greedy, uncaring society in winter," he explained.

"We're not haggard or homeless. The inn was just full," said Mary.

"Whatever," said the painter.

Two women began to argue fiercely. One said she objected to Jesus' birth "because it privileged motherhood." The other scoffed at virgin births, but said that if they encouraged more attention to diversity in family forms and the rights of single mothers, well, then, she was all for them.

"I'm not a single mother," Mary started to say, but she was cut off by a third woman who insisted that swaddling clothes are a form of child abuse, since they restrict the natural movement of babies.

With the arrival of 10 child advocates, all trained to spot infant abuse and manger rash, Mary and Joseph were pushed to the edge of the crowd, where arguments were breaking out over how many reindeer (or what mix of reindeer and seasonal sprites) had to be installed to compensate for the infant's unfortunate religious character.

An older man bustled up, bowling over two merchants who had been busy debating whether an elf is the same as a fairy and whether the elf/fairy should be shaking hands with Jesus in the crib or merely standing to the side, jumping around like a sports mascot.

"I'd hold off on the reindeer," the man said, explaining that the use of asses and oxen as picturesque backdrops for Nativity scenes carries the subliminal message of human dominance. He passed out two leaflets, one denouncing manger births as invasions of animal space, the other arguing that stables are "penned environments" where animals are incarcerated against their will. He had no opinion about elves or candy canes.

Signs declaring "Free the Bethlehem 2" began to appear, referring to the obviously exploited ass and ox. Someone said the halo on Jesus' head was elitist. Mary was exasperated. "And what about you, old mother?" she said sharply to an elderly woman. "Are you here to attack the shepherds as prison guards for excluded species, maybe to complain that singing in Latin identifies us with our Roman oppressors, or just to say that I should have skipped patriarchal religiosity and joined some dumb new-age goddess religion?"

"None of the above," said the woman, "I just wanted to tell you that the Magi are here." Sure enough, the three wise men rode up.

"They're all male!" the crowd gasped. "And not very multicultural!"

"Balthasar here is black," said one of the Magi.

"Yes, but how many of you are gay or disabled?" someone shouted. A committee was quickly formed to find an impoverished lesbian wise-person among the halt and lame of Bethlehem.

A calm voice said, "Be of good cheer, Mary, for you have done well and your son will change the world." At last, a sane person, Mary thought. She turned to see a radiant and confident female face. The woman spoke again: "There is one thing, though. Religious holidays are important, but can't we learn to celebrate them in ways that unite, not divide? For instance, instead of all this business about 'Gloria in excelsis Deo,' why not just 'Season's Greetings'?"

Mary said, "You mean my son has entered human history to deliver the message, 'Hello, it's winter'?"

"That's harsh, Mary," said the woman. "Remember, your son could make it big in midwinter festivals, if he doesn't push the religion thing too far. Centuries from now, in nations yet unborn, people will give each other pricey gifts and have big office parties on his birthday. That's not chopped liver."

"Let me get back to you," Mary said.

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke Thread of 2011
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 22 Dec 11 - 09:53 AM

"Double Check...."

At a Christmas party in Melbourne last year
the staff decided to pull a practical joke on
their boss who had a habit of playing serious
practical jokes on everyone else.

When he went to the toilet, they went through
his wallet and found his Tats Lotto Ticket. Then,
they wrote down his numbers and called over
the waitress to set up a little prank. She came
back half an hour later and asked if anyone
wanted to know the night's Lotto numbers,
then proceeded to read them out loud before
setting the numbers on the table.

The boss looked at the numbers, then casually
pulled out his from his wallet and compared
them. He became really silent, put his wallet
back in his jacket and sat down again, and
checked the numbers, very carefully.

Then, he sculled his drink, stood up on his chair
and shouted out to the whole room,

"I just want to let you all know something. I've
been having an affair with my secretary for
months. I don't like any of you, and I have hated
working for this company. You can shove it,
cause I've just won a truck-load of money, and
I'm leaving"

End of job.
End of marriage.
End of story.

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke Thread of 2011
From: MGM·Lion
Date: 20 Dec 11 - 02:33 AM

"That white animal over there with the shiny silver horns ~ is it a water buffalo?"

"No - it's a wash bison."

~M~

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke Thread of 2011
From: Jim Dixon
Date: 19 Dec 11 - 01:32 PM

Q. How many Republicans does it take to change a light bulb?
A. Ten.
One to call the handyman.
One to fire the handyman and replace him with an illegal immigrant working for subminimum wage.
One to orchestrate a leveraged buyout of the light-bulb company, lay off the staff, and outsource production to China.
One to lobby Congress for a massive tax break for the light-bulb importer.
And six right-wing conservative pundits to blame the failure of the light bulb on liberals, unions, illegal immigrants, and Obama.

—found at the web site of "A Prairie Home Companion" and updated a bit.

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke Thread of 2011
From: dick greenhaus
Date: 12 Dec 11 - 12:20 AM

at least as vegetable as pizza or ketchup.

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke Thread of 2011
From: MudGuard
Date: 11 Dec 11 - 04:00 AM

Chocolate is healthy, it is vegetable!

You don't believe it?
I can prove it!

No one will argue that beans and beets are vegetable.

Now chocolate ingredients are mostly cocoa and sugar.

Sugar is made from sugar-beets, and cocoa is made from cocoa beans

Thus, chocolate is vegetable!

q.e.d.

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke Thread of 2011
From: GUEST,Uncle_DaveO
Date: 05 Dec 11 - 04:01 PM

"The Rules Of Chocolate"

* If you've got melted chocolate all over your
hands, you're eating it too slowly.

* Chocolate covered raisins, cherries, orange
slices & strawberries all count as fruit, so eat as
many as you want.

* The problem: How to get 2 pounds of chocolate
home from the store in hot car. The solution: Eat it
in the parking lot.

* Diet tip: Eat a chocolate bar before each meal.
It'll take the edge off your appetite and you'll eat
less.

* A nice box of chocolates can provide your total
daily intake of calories in one place. Isn't that handy?

* If you can't eat all your chocolate, it will keep in
the freezer.

* But if you can't eat all your chocolate, what's
wrong with you?

* If calories are an issue, store your chocolate on
top of the fridge. Calories are afraid of heights,
and they will jump out of the chocolate to protect
themselves.

* If I eat equal amounts of dark chocolate and
white chocolate, is that a balanced diet? Don't
they actually counteract each other?

* Money talks. Chocolate sings.

* Chocolate has many preservatives. Preservatives
make you look younger.

* Q. Why is there no such organization as
Chocoholics Anonymous?
A. Because no one wants to quit.

* If not for chocolate, there would be no need for
control top pantyhose. An entire garment industry
would be devastated.

* Put "eat chocolate" at the top of your list of things
to do today. That way, at least you'll get one thing
done.

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke Thread of 2011
From: Mrrzy
Date: 05 Dec 11 - 10:56 AM

What did the snail say on the turtle's back?

...Whee!

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke Thread of 2011
From: GUEST,pete from seven stars link
Date: 05 Dec 11 - 10:10 AM

..dead in the water..?

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke Thread of 2011
From: Michael
Date: 05 Dec 11 - 09:41 AM

Where's Geoff when you need him? A duck with a £150 bill?

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke Thread of 2011
From: Jim Dixon
Date: 04 Dec 11 - 01:35 AM

Mrrzy: Yeah, I figured that out. But it's a pretty lame joke that way. It's much funnier according to Google's bad translation.

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke Thread of 2011
From: Mrrzy
Date: 03 Dec 11 - 11:20 PM

Actually, that means "so that men can understand them" (the jokes, not the blondes).

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke Thread of 2011
From: Jim Dixon
Date: 03 Dec 11 - 09:31 PM

[Sorry, I missed the word "Warum/Why" in the previous joke.]


..fahren 2 nonnen nach mainz. kommt ein schild MAINZ 8 killometer.
sagt die eine "mainz ist eins dreckiges loch"
sagt die andere "meins auch"

*

.. 2 nuns go to Mainz. MAINZ is a shield-8 killometer.
says one, "is a dirty hole mainz"
the other says "mine too"

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke Thread of 2011
From: Jim Dixon
Date: 03 Dec 11 - 09:14 PM

sind Blondinenwitze so kurz....?
Damit Männer sie verstehn.!!

*

are blonde jokes so short ....?
So they understand men.!

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke Thread of 2011
From: Jim Dixon
Date: 03 Dec 11 - 09:04 PM

Hey, this is fun! Somehow the jokes gain something in (bad) translation.

Vater: Ich werde dich mit einem Mädchen meiner Wahl verheiraten!
Sohn: Nein!
Vater: Es ist die Tochter von Bill Gates!
Sohn: Dann... Okay!
Vater geht zu Bill Gates
Vater: Ich will meinen Sohn mit deiner Tochter verheiraten!
Bill Gates: Nein!
Vater: Er ist der Geschäftsführer der World Bank!
Bill Gates: Dann... Okay!
Vater geht zur World Bank
Vater: Ich will, dass Sie meinen Sohn als Geschäftsführer einstellen!
World Bank: Nein!
Vater: Er ist der zukünftige Schwiegersohn von Bill Gates!
World Bank: Dann... Okay!

Now Google's translation:

Father: I'm going to marry a girl of my choice!
Son: No,
father: it is the daughter of Bill Gates!
Son: Then ... Okay
father goes to Bill Gates
's father, I will marry my son to your daughter!
Bill Gates: No,
father: He is the Managing Director of the World Bank!
Bill Gates: Then ... Okay
father goes to the World Bank's
Father: I want you to set up my son as manager!
World Bank: No,
father: he is the future son of Bill Gates!
World Bank: Then ... Okay!

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke Thread of 2011
From: Jim Dixon
Date: 03 Dec 11 - 08:52 PM

I just found this on a German web site:

Ein Vertreter fährt durch den Bayerischen Wald. Auf einmal sieht er am Straßenrand einen kleinen Jungen, der einen Hasen rammelt. Der Vertreter fährt entsetzt weiter. Ein paar Kilometer weiter sieht er einen alten Mann, der sich einen von der Palme wedelt. Der Vertreter ist total erschüttert und hält an der nächsten Tankstelle. Er erzählt dem Tankwart: 'Stellen sie sich vor, gerade hab ich einen kleinen Bub gesehen, der nen Hasen gerammelt hat!' Der Tankwart: 'Hmmm naja, Kinder halt.' - 'Ja und ein paar Minuten weiter hab ich einen alten Opa gesehen, der wie wild Onaniert hat! Wie erklären Sie mir das?' Darauf der Tankwart: 'Na, in dem Alter erwischt man halt so leicht keinen Hasen mehr...'

Here is how Google translates it:

A representative travels through the Bavarian forest. Suddenly he sees a little boy on the roadside, the shagging a rabbit. The representative goes on in horror. A few kilometers further, he sees an old man, waving to one of the palm. The representative is totally shocked and stops at the next gas station. He told the attendant: "Imagine for a moment, I've just seen a little boy that can be driven hare has packed! ' The gas station attendant: 'Hmmm well, just kids.' - 'Yes, and a few more minutes I saw an old grandpa, who has masturbated like crazy! How do you explain this to me? ' Then the gas station attendant: 'Well, at that age you just get caught so easily no more rabbits ...'

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke Thread of 2011
From: GUEST,pete from seven stars link
Date: 03 Dec 11 - 04:45 PM

sorry-i should have thought before i posted that it might be amiss across the pond!.it crossed my mind afterwards.

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke Thread of 2011
From: Jim Dixon
Date: 03 Dec 11 - 04:17 PM

It depends on the context.

When an American says "The envelope contained a hundred-dollar bill" it means (as a Brit would say) a banknote.

When an American says "The envelope contained a bill for a hundred dollars" it means an invoice (request for payment).

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke Thread of 2011
From: Bert
Date: 03 Dec 11 - 02:02 PM

and UK cheque = US Check drawn an your bank account.

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke Thread of 2011
From: MGM·Lion
Date: 03 Dec 11 - 01:27 PM

Just to clarify:

UK bill = US check [in sense of account presented for payment]

US bill = UK banknote

What a lovely fertile ground for the old transAtlantic flak!

~M~

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke Thread of 2011
From: Mrrzy
Date: 03 Dec 11 - 12:30 PM

Oh, a bill FOR that much money! I thought he gave HER the money! makes more sense now...

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke Thread of 2011
From: GUEST,pete from seven stars link
Date: 02 Dec 11 - 01:24 PM

woman takes her duck to the vet
"its dead"said the vet"
woman"i want a second opinion"
the vet whistles for his dog.
a labrodor comes in ,sniffs the duck shakes it,s head and barks and leaves.
woman"i still want another opinion
the vet calls the cat in, who walks all round the duck and walks out.
then the vet gives woman a £150 bill
woman"£150 to tell me my duck is dead"
vet
"it,s not usually so much but a lab report and cat scan costs more!"

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke Thread of 2011
From: MGM·Lion
Date: 02 Dec 11 - 08:33 AM

A great lady advertised for two footmen for her household. Being a conscientious person, she decided to interview them herself.

When two friends applied, she asked them for their experience. One had worked for Lord Soso, the other for Sir John Wotsit Bt.

"Good experience indeed," she said. "However, as my footmen are required to wear traditional livery, including knee-breeches with white stockings, I hope you won't object to my looking at the calves of your legs to ensure they will look well."

The both obligingly rolled up their trousers.

"Very good," she said. "It only remains for you to show me your testimonials."

"If you hadn't been so bloody ignorant," said one to the other as they walked sadly away from the back door," we'd have got that job."

〠〠〠〠〠

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke Thread of 2011
From: Michael
Date: 22 Nov 11 - 05:20 AM

Well sort of Bert; in those days they were sung by old codgers, now they are sung by us kids.

Mike

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke Thread of 2011
From: Bert
Date: 21 Nov 11 - 04:26 PM

Half a century ore more ago, we'd go to a pub and it would be great to hear the old codgers sing traditional songs.

At the last open mike I went to I looked around and realized We are Them.

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke Thread of 2011
From: GUEST,Uncle_DaveO
Date: 21 Nov 11 - 09:41 AM

"College Grades"

A professor stood before his class of 20 senior
organic biology students, about to hand out
the final exam. "I want to say that it's been a
pleasure teaching you this semester. I know
you've all worked extremely hard and many of
you are off to medical school after summer.

So that no one gets their GPA messed up because
they might have been celebrating a bit too much
this week, anyone who would like to opt out of
the final exam today will receive a "B" for the course."

There was much rejoicing amongst the class as
students got up, passed by the professor to thank
him and sign out on his offer.

As the last taker left the room, the professor looked
out over the handful of remaining students and
asked, "Any one else? This is your last chance."

One final student rose up and took the offer.

The professor closed the door and took attendance
of those students remaining. "I'm glad to see you
believe in yourself." he said. "You all have "As."

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke Thread of 2011
From: mayomick
Date: 21 Nov 11 - 03:34 AM

A light wave
What does a neutrino give to his adoring fans as he gets into the collider?

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke Thread of 2011
From: Midchuck
Date: 18 Nov 11 - 06:48 AM

Donuel: That's simple truth. But I'm not sure it qualifies as a joke.

P.

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke Thread of 2011
From: Jim Dixon
Date: 17 Nov 11 - 10:10 AM

Q: Why does Penn State deliberately not score in the first half of a football game?

A: Because it's good to get a little behind in the locker room at halftime.


(Sorry, that was really bad taste.)

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke Thread of 2011
From: Donuel
Date: 17 Nov 11 - 09:55 AM

So govenor what is your response to the Penn State scandal?

"Be it the NCAA, the entire coaching staff, police force, the missing DA, the board of govenors at Penn State and executive office holders and investors...The only people who did not cover their ass, were the children."

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke Thread of 2011
From: Mrrzy
Date: 16 Nov 11 - 11:28 AM

So, the head lawyer at the big firm dies, and everybody was going to the funeral. One partner slipped in late, just as the service was starting.

The latecomer whispers, where are we in the program? And the neighbor whispers back:

They are just opening the case for the defense.

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke Thread of 2011
From: Wilfried Schaum
Date: 09 Nov 11 - 10:34 AM

"I'm married now for 20 years, and I still love the same woman."
"Wow - isn't that wonderful?"
"Yeah, but if my wife finds out, she'll kill me."

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke Thread of 2011
From: Joe_F
Date: 08 Nov 11 - 06:16 PM

His Lordship's valet, assisting His Lordship after his bath, noticed His Lordship in a state of excitement unusual for his age. "Shall I summon Her Ladyship?" he asked. "Heavens, no!" was the reply, "Fetch me a pair of baggy trousers. I mean to smuggle this into London."

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke Thread of 2011
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 08 Nov 11 - 12:59 PM

"Sarcastic Remarks To Get You Through The Day"

And your crybaby whiny-assed opinion would be...?

Do I look like bloody people person?

I started out with nothing, and still have most of it left.

I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.

If I throw a stick, will you leave?

If I want to hear the pitter-patter of little feet, I'll put
shoes on my cats.

Did the aliens forget to remove your anal probe?

A hard-on doesn't count as personal growth.

Allow me to introduce my selves.

Suburbia: where they tear out the trees and then
name streets after them.

Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.

I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable.

I have a computer, a vibrator, & pizza delivery. Why
should I leave the house?

It ain't the size, it's... no, it is the size.

I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.

Okay, okay, I take it back! UN-screw you!

Too many freaks, not enough circuses.

Chaos, panic, & disorder - my work here is done.

I plead contemporary insanity.

Meandering to a different drummer.

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke Thread of 2011
From: GUEST,Uncle_DaveO
Date: 07 Nov 11 - 09:17 AM

"Speeding"

Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch
speeding drivers, a State Police Officer sees a car
puttering along at 22 MPH. He thinks to himself,
"This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!"
So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.

Approaching the car, he notices that there are
five old ladies -- two in the front seat and three
in the back - eyes wide and white as ghosts.

The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer,
I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed
limit! What seems to be the problem?"

"Ma'am," the officer replies, "You weren't speeding,
but you should know that driving slower than the
speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers."

"Slower than the speed limit?" she asked. No sir, I
was doing the speed limit exactly... Twenty-two
miles an hour!" the old woman says a bit proudly.

The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle
explains to her that "22" was the route number, not
the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman
grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out
her error.

"But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask... Is
everyone in this car OK? These women seem
awfully shaken and they haven't muttered a single
peep this whole time." the officer asks.

"Oh, they'll be all right in a minute, officer. We just
got off Route 119."

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke Thread of 2011
From: GUEST,DaveA
Date: 05 Nov 11 - 10:03 PM

The Resettlement Blues


Harry had a problem. Or rather, he had several problems but one in particular that really got up his nose every day. He'd been baptized (which as a committed atheist also offended him) Hendryk which was a good Dutch name, but since he'd emigrated to South Africa & settled in Cape Town everyone he came in contact with insisted on shortening it to Harry.

He really didn't like that.

It was a shame really. Although he'd upped & left his native Holland despairing of the "cradle to grave" oversight of the Socialist Government, he remained a patriotic Dutchman and resolutely resistant to any and all attempts to assimilate him into Die Volk. He spoke only good Dutch (rather than the mongrel Afrikaans) at home to his wife and daughter, insisted that they ate good food like kroketten, rookwurst and snert (none of that ponsified British pea soup for them), sought out other Dutchmen to socialize with and generally tried to remain true to Queen & Country. But no-one (except his wife) would call him by his given name. He even suspected that when she talked about him to her friends she called him Harry!

And now, as Femke (now there was a good Dutch name) was growing up, he was having even more problems maintaining his ethnicity. He'd tried to do the right thing by her, recognizing that the English Speaking schools in Cape Town were far superior to those of the Afrikaners and he'd not begrudged her the fees, the uniforms or even the need for her to speak English. That he could & did tolerate but it was her friends with their English customs and frivolities who stuck in his craw. They made it so much harder for him to train Femke in a proper Dutch manner and the more she saw of them the more she wished to be like them and dress like them and, and (the word stuck in his throat) frolic like them. No decent Dutch maiden frolicked!!! He'd never heard of the old advice about keeping a wife barefoot, pregnant & in the kitchen but he would have considered it to be sage if he had. That should be what a Dutch maiden aspired to be and that was what he was rearing her to be. It was hard work though. They were all against him; her school friends, his work colleagues (who laughed at his traditions and called him an antique) and even his wife Maria (who if truth be known wanted for her daughter a far happier upbringing & marriage than her own)

And now this latest fiasco. All her friends had pets so she wanted a pet. They had a perfectly good aquarium in their apartment with several goldfish but that wasn't enough for her. She had to have a creature she could touch, and well, pet and one that would respond to her. Oh, the discussions! Harry's daughter didn't argue with Harry but the discussions over a pet went on and on and on. First, it was a horse. A horse?? Absolutely no way!! The cost, the agistment, the equipment, the riding lessons, the maintenance, the list was endless. Surely she knew that a horse was a farm animal not a child's pet! So then it was a dog. Harry was more receptive to that. A good Dutch dog like a Keeshond or a Stabyhoun would make a fine watchdog even if their apartment was too small for it and it had to sleep outside the front door. But no, that wouldn't suit her. She wanted a little dog like a Poodle or a Fox Terrier she could pickup and cuddle!! So a dog was out too.

So that left a cat. He didn't want a cat. Back home they lived in the barn with the cattle & caught mice and the occasional bird and didn't have much to do with people other than showing off their latest litter of kittens. When he thought about it he was sure there had to be a Dutch breed of cat though for the life of him he couldn't think of any. But, on reflection, he realized that this was probably the best chance of domestic peace he was going to get. A cat it would be. Though, by God, it would have to be a proper Dutch cat or nothing.   So, he told Maria of his decision and she told Femke what sort of cat it would have to be and last Saturday morning they had trouped off to the local Pet Shop to find a cat, Harry, Maria, Femke and 3 of her schoolmates. So simple but such a disaster!!!

They had found the shop quite quickly and Femke had fallen in love with a fluffy little kitten sitting in the window display. So Harry had told her,
"Go to the shopkeeper and ask about the kitten's parentage"
But she was shy and had insisted they all come in with her. And, because of that, there was a receptive audience to Harry's eternal shame, when she approached the shopkeeper and   …….













sang ………












"How Dutch is that Moggy in the Window".

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke Thread of 2011
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 05 Nov 11 - 12:23 PM

Letter from MIT

This is supposedly a real letter that a student named John Mongan got from the Massachusetts Institute of Technology. His not-to-be-missed reply follows.

Make sure you see the result at the end.
----------------

April 18, 1994

Mr. John T. Mongan
123 Main Street
Smalltown, California 94123-4567

Dear John:

You've got the grades. You've certainly got the PSAT scores. And now you've got a letter from MIT. Maybe you're surprised. Most students would be.

But you're not most students. And that's exactly why I urge you to consider carefully one of the most selective universities in America.

The level of potential reflected in your performance is a powerful indicator that you might well be an excellent candidate for MIT. It certainly got my attention!

Engineering's not for you? No problem. It may surprise you to learn we offer more than 40 major fields of study, from architecture to brain and cognitive sciences, from economics (perhaps the best program in the country) to writing.

What? Of course, you don't want to be bored. Who does? Life here is tough and demanding, but it's also fun. MIT students are imaginative and creative -- inside and outside the classroom.

You're interested in athletics? Great! MIT has more varsity teams -- 39 -- than almost any other university, and a tremendous intramural program so everybody can participate.

You think we're too expensive? Don't be too sure. We've got surprises for you there, too.

Why not send the enclosed Information Request to find out more about this unique institution? Why not do it right now?

Sincerely,

Michael C. Benhke
Director of Admissions

P.S. If you'd like a copy of a fun-filled, fact-filled brochure, "Insight," just check the appropriate box on the form.

----------

May 5, 1994

Michael C. Behnke
MIT Director of Admissions
Office of Admissions, Room 3-108
Cambridge MA 02139-4307

Dear Michael:

You've got the reputation. You've certainly got the pomposity. And now you've got a letter from John Mongan. Maybe you're surprised. Most universities would be.

But you're not most universities. And that's exactly why I urge you to carefully consider one of the most selective students in America, so selective that he will choose only one of the thousands of accredited universities in the country.

The level of pomposity and lack of tact reflected in your letter is a powerful indicator that your august institution might well be a possibility for John Mongan's future education. It certainly got my attention!

Don't want Bio-Chem students? No problem. It may surprise you to learn that my interests cover over 400 fields of study, from semantics to limnology, from object-oriented programming (perhaps one of the youngest professionals in the country) to classical piano.

What? Of course you don't want egotistical jerks. Who does? I am self indulgent and over confident, but I'm also amusing. John Mongan is funny and amusing -- whether you're laughing with him or at him.

You're interested in athletes? Great! John Mongan has played more sports -- 47 -- than almost any other student, including oddball favorites such as Orienteering.

You think I can pay for your school? Don't be too sure. I've got surprises for you there, too.

Why not send a guaranteed admission and full scholarship to increase your chance of being selected by John Mongan? Why not do it right now?

Sincerely,

John Mongan

P.S. If you'd like a copy of a fun-filled, fact-filled brochure, "John Mongan: What a Guy!" just ask.

- - -
And the punchline? He went to Stanford.

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke Thread of 2011
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 05 Nov 11 - 10:56 AM

The Frog

While taking a walk in the woods, a man comes across a little frog. The frog asks the man if it's OK if they walk together for a while, and the man tells the frog to suit itself.

After a while the man decides to go home and the frog asks if it might come along and again, the man assents.

After reaching home, the man attempts to say goodbye but the frog boldly asks if it can come in and stay for dinner. A little miffed but not wanting to insult the frog, the man says, "Fine, come in and have dinner."

After that, the man decides to go to bed and tells the frog it's time for it to go back to the woods. But the frog doesn't want to go and asks if it can spend the night. The man is too shocked at this request to say anything but yes.

Now they're both in bed and the frog says, "Hey, aren't you gonna kiss me good night?" The man, seemingly under the frog's spell, kisses the frog.

And then, all of a sudden, the frog turns into a beautiful, nubile 16-year-old girl!

And that, your honor, is the heart of our defense.

(Hey: you knew it was a fairy tale as soon as the frog talked!)

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke Thread of 2011
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 04 Nov 11 - 09:51 PM

"Ostrich"

A man walks up to the bar with an ostrich behind him. As
he sits, the bartender comes over and asks for their order.

The man says, "I'll have a beer" and turns to the ostrich.
"What's yours?" "I'll have a beer, too." says the ostrich.
The bartender pours the beer and says "That will be
$3.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and
pulls out exact change for payment.

The next day, the man, and the ostrich come again, and
the man says, "I'll have a beer," and the ostrich says "I'll have
the same." Once again the man reaches into his pocket
and pays with exact change.

This becomes a routine until, late one evening, the two
enter again." The usual?" asks the bartender. "Well, it's
close to last call, so I'll have a large scotch" says the man.
"Same for me" says the ostrich. "That will be $7.20" says
the bartender. Once again the man pulls exact change
out of his pocket and places it on the bar.

The bartender can't hold back his curiosity any longer.
"Excuse me sir. How do you manage to always come
up with the exact change out of your pocket every
time?"

"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the
attic and I found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie
appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was
that if I ever had to pay for anything, I just put my hand
in my pocket, and the right amount of money will
always be there."

"That's brilliant!" says the bartender. "Most people would
wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always
be as rich as you want for as long as you live!

"That's right! Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls
Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.

The bartender asks, "One other thing, sir, what's with
the ostrich?"

The man replies, "My second wish was for a chick with
long legs."

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke Thread of 2011
From: Jim Dixon
Date: 04 Nov 11 - 06:41 PM

A farmer was chatting with others at a church supper. He told them he'd spent the day "spreading manure."

His daughter whispered to her mother. "He's so uncouth! It's embarrassing. Couldn't you get him to say 'fertilizer'?"

The mother said, "Fertilizer! It took me ten years to get him to say 'manure.'"

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke Thread of 2011
From: Donuel
Date: 03 Nov 11 - 03:02 PM

Some of them are.   "If the NBA can compromise then so can Congress"
We're the Fahgawee" etc. Antway I can picture things better than tell jokes.

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke Thread of 2011
From: Bert
Date: 30 Oct 11 - 06:25 PM

That's not a joke Donuel.

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke Thread of 2011
From: Donuel
Date: 30 Oct 11 - 04:24 PM

http://i1105.photobucket.com/albums/h352/Donuel/signs-of-the-times4.jpg

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke Thread of 2011
From: MGM·Lion
Date: 30 Oct 11 - 07:50 AM

Why shouldn't you wear Ukrainian underpants?


















Chernobyl fallout.

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke Thread of 2011
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 28 Oct 11 - 08:55 AM

"Horse Shopping"

A rich man was trying to find his daughter a birthday
gift when he saw a poor man with a beautiful white
horse. He told the man that he would give him $500
for the horse.

The poor man replied, "I don't know mister, it don't
look so good," and walked away.

The next day the rich man came back and offered
the poor man $1000 for the horse.

The poor man said, "I don't know mister, it don't look
so good."

On the third day the rich man offered the poor man
$2000 for the horse, and said he wouldn't take no for
an answer. The poor man agreed, and the rich man
took the horse home.

The rich man's daughter loved her present. She
climbed onto the horse, then galloped right into
a tree.

The rich man rushed back over to the poor man's
house, demanding an explanation for the horse's
blindness.

The poor man replied, "I told you twice! It
don't look so good."

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke Thread of 2011
From: Dave Sutherland
Date: 28 Oct 11 - 08:27 AM

A psychic midget has escaped from prison.


There is a small medium at large.

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke Thread of 2011
From: John MacKenzie
Date: 28 Oct 11 - 06:02 AM

A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.

The barman looks at him and says, "Hang on! You're a duck."

"I see your eyes are working," replies the duck.

"And you can talk!" exclaims the barman.

"I see your ears are working, too," says the duck. "Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"

"Certainly. Sorry about that," says the barman as he pulls the duck a pint. "It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing round this way?"

"I'm working on the building site across the road," explains the duck. "I'm a plasterer."

The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it.

So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves.

The same thing happens for two weeks.

Then one day the circus comes to town.

The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him, "You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!"

"Sounds marvellous," says the ringmaster, handing over his business card. "Get him to give me a call."

So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says, "Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money."

"I'm always looking for the next job," says the duck. "Where is it?"

"At the circus," says the barman.

"The circus?" repeats the duck.

"That's right," replies the barman.

"The circus?" the duck asks again. "With the big tent?"

"Yeah," the barman replies.

"With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who live in caravans?" says the duck.

"Of course," the barman replies.

"And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?" persists the duck.

"That's right!" says the barman.

The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says . . .

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

"What the f—— would they want with a plasterer??!"