BS: First Joke Thread of 2012

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2012
From: Joe_F
Date: 23 Dec 12 - 07:40 PM

What did the wise men say to Jesus?
"These are for Christmas and your birthday both."

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2012
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 23 Dec 12 - 02:27 PM

The Night Before Christmas -- for General Aviators

Twas the night before Christmas, and out on the ramp,
Not an airplane was stirring, not even a Champ.
The aircraft were fastened to tiedowns with care,
In hopes that come morning, they all would be there.

The fuel trucks were nestled, all snug in their spots,
With gusts from two-forty at 39 knots.
I slumped at the fuel desk, now finally caught up,
And settled down comfortably, resting my butt.

When the radio lit up with noise and with chatter,
I turned up the scanner to see what was the matter.
A voice clearly heard over static and snow,
Called for clearance to land at the airport below.

He barked his transmission so lively and quick,
I'd have sworn that the call sign he used was "St. Nick".
I ran to the panel to turn up the lights,
The better to welcome this magical flight.

He called his position, no room for denial,
"St. Nicholas One, turnin' left onto final."
And what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a Rutan-built sleigh, with eight Rotax Reindeer!

With vectors to final, down the glideslope he came,
As he passed all fixes, he called them by name:
"Now Ringo! Now Tolga! Now Trini and Bacun!
On Comet! On Cupid!" What pills was he takin'?

While controllers were sittin', and scratchin' their head,
They phoned to my office, and I heard it with dread,
The message they left was both urgent and dour:
"When Santa pulls in, have him please call the tower."

He landed like silk, with the sled runners sparking,
Then I heard "Left at Charlie," and "Taxi to parking."
He slowed to a taxi, turned off of three-oh
And stopped on the ramp with a "Ho, ho-ho-ho..."

He stepped out of the sleigh, but before he could talk,
I ran out to meet him with my best set of chocks.
His red helmet and goggles were covered with frost
And his beard was all blackened from Reindeer exhaust.

His breath smelled like peppermint, gone slightly stale,
And he puffed on a pipe, but he didn't inhale.
His cheeks were all rosy and jiggled like jelly,
His boots were as black as a cropduster's belly.

He was chubby and plump, in his suit of bright red,
And he asked me to "fill it, with hundred low-lead."
He came dashing in from the snow-covered pump,
I knew he was anxious for drainin' the sump.

I spoke not a word, but went straight to my work,
And I filled up the sleigh, but I spilled like a jerk.
He came out of the restroom, and sighed in relief,
Then he picked up a phone for a Flight Service brief.

And I thought as he silently scribed in his log,
These reindeer could land in an eighth-mile fog.
He completed his pre-flight, from the front to the rear,
Then he put on his headset, and I heard him yell, "Clear!"

And laying a finger on his push-to-talk,
He called up the tower for clearance and squawk.
"Take taxiway Charlie, the southbound direction,
Turn right three-two-zero at pilot's discretion"

He sped down the runway, the best of the best,
"Your traffic's a Grumman, inbound from the west."
Then I heard him proclaim, as he climbed thru the night,
"Merry Christmas to all! I have traffic in sight."

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2012
From: Bill D
Date: 22 Dec 12 - 06:49 PM

It is always a good thing to be careful going home from events during the holidays when imbibing a bit more than usual. I was at a party the other night and when I started home, I knew I needed to be extra careful. I took it slow & easy, and made decent progress and would have been fine... but just as I rounded the last corner, someone stepped on my fingers!

(courtesy George Goble, about 1957)

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2012
From: GUEST,999
Date: 22 Dec 12 - 11:29 AM

As you well know, some of us have had brushes with the authorities on our way home from an occasional social evening over the years.

A couple of nights ago, I was out with friends and had a couple of cocktails and some rather nice red wine.

Knowing full well I may have been slightly over the limit, I did something I've never done before: I took a cab home.

Sure enough, I passed a police road block but, since it was a cab, they waved it through.

I arrived home safely without incident, which was a real surprise because I'd never driven a cab before and am not sure where I got it or what to do with it now that it's in my garage.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2012
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 22 Dec 12 - 11:12 AM

The Night Before Christmas -- for the Politically Correct

'Twas the night before Christmas and Santa's a wreck...
How to live in a world that's politically correct?
His workers no longer would answer to "Elves",
"Vertically Challenged" they were calling themselves.

The labor conditions at the North Pole,
Were alleged by the union to stifle the soul.
Four reindeer had vanished, with nary a clue,
Except the graffiti from "Wildlife Rescue".

And Equal Employment had made it quite clear,
That Santa had better use more than reindeer.
So Dancer and Donner, Comet and Cupid,
Were replaced with four pigs -- and you know that looked stupid!

The runners had been removed from his sleigh;
The ruts were termed dangerous folks at OSHA.
And people had started to call for the cops,
When they heard sled noises on their roof-tops.

Second-hand smoke from his pipe had his workers quite frightened.
His fur trimmed red suit was called "Unenlightened."
And to show you the strangeness of life's ebbs and flows,
Rudolf was suing for unauthorized use of his nose.

He went on Geraldo, in front of the nation,
Demanding millions in overdue compensation.
And as for the gifts, why, he'd ne'er had a notion
That making a choice could cause so much commotion.

Nothing of leather, nothing of fur,
Which meant nothing for him. And nothing for her.
Nothing that might be construed to pollute.
Nothing to aim. Nothing to shoot.

Nothing that clamored or made lots of noise.
Nothing for just girls, or just for the boys.
Nothing that claimed to be gender-specific.
Nothing that's warlike or non-pacifistic.

No candy or sweets -- they were bad for the tooth.
Nothing that seemed to embellish a truth.
And fairy tales, while not yet forbidden,
Were like Ken and his boyfriend (better off hidden).

For they raised the hackles of those psychological,
Who claimed the only good gift was one ecological.
No baseball, no football -- someone could get hurt!
Besides, playing sports exposed kids to dirt.

Dolls were said to be sexist, and should be passé;
And Nintendo would rot your entire brain away.
So Santa just stood there, disheveled, perplexed;
He just could not figure out what to do next.

He tried to be merry, he tried to be gay,
(But you've got to be careful with that word these days.)
His sack was quite empty, limp to the ground;
Nothing fully acceptable was to be found.

Something special was needed, a gift that he might,
Give to all without angering the left or the right.
A gift that would satisfy, with no indecision,
Each group of people, every religion;

Every ethnicity, and every hue,
Everyone, everywhere, perhaps even you.
So here is that gift, it's price beyond worth:
"May you and your loved ones enjoy peace on this Earth."

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2012
From: GUEST,pete from seven stars link
Date: 17 Dec 12 - 08:26 AM

i,ve seen that one before bruce,but still makes me smile - and identify!

it was christmas and the judge was in festive mood
"what are you charged with?"
defendant
"doing my christmas shopping early"
judge
"thats not an offence-how early were you doing this christmas shopping?
defendant
"before the store opened!

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2012
From: GUEST,999
Date: 16 Dec 12 - 11:39 AM

A Man on his Harley

                A man on his Harley was riding along a New Brunswick beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice God said, 'Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish.' The biker pulled over and said, 'Build a bridge to Prince Edward Island so I can ride over anytime I want.'

                God replied, 'Your request is materialistic; think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required reaching the bottom of the Atlantic and the concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind.'

                The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said, 'God, I wish that I, and all men, could understand women; I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, why she snaps and complains when I try to help, and how I can make a woman truly happy.


                God replied, 'Do you want two lanes or four on that bridge?

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2012
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 16 Dec 12 - 11:30 AM

"Sahara Desert"

A Canadian lumber camp advertises for a
lumberjack.

A skinny little guy shows up at the camp the next
day carrying an axe. The head lumberjack takes
one look at the puny little guy and tells him to
get lost.

"Give me a chance to show you what I can do,"
says the skinny guy.

"Okay, see that giant redwood over there?" says
the head lumberjack. "Take your axe and cut it
down."

The guy heads for the tree, and in five minutes he's
knocking on the lumberjack's door.

"I cut the tree down," says the guy.

The lumberjack can't believe his eyes and says,
"Where did you learn to chop down trees like that?"

"In the Sahara Forest," says the puny man.

"You mean the Sahara Desert," says the lumberjack.

"Sure......!! That's what they call it now!"

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2012
From: GUEST,DaveA
Date: 15 Dec 12 - 08:21 PM

The only thing my wife wears to bed is coconut oil.
Fine for several reasons, but when she turns the electric blanket on she smells like a Malaysian restaurant.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2012
From: MGM·Lion
Date: 12 Dec 12 - 02:34 PM

"I say, I say, I say - did I see you eating peas from a ladle?"

"That was no ladle, that was my knife."

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2012
From: Dead Horse
Date: 11 Dec 12 - 03:25 PM

A man in Scotland calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve and says, "I hate to ruin your day but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough."

'Dad, what are you talking about?' the son screams.

"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer" the father says."We're sick of each other and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Leeds and tell her."

Franticly, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like hell they're getting divorced!" she shouts, "I'll take care of this!"

She calls Scotland immediately, and screams at her father "You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. 'Sorted! They're coming for Christmas - and they're paying their own way.'

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2012
From: Dead Horse
Date: 11 Dec 12 - 03:22 PM

A man went to harley Street in London having seen an ad for a Gynaecologist's Assistant.

Naturally interested, he went in and asked the clerk for details.

The clerk pulled up the file and read;

"The job entails getting the ladies ready for the gynaecologist. "

"You have to help the women out of their underwear, lay them down and carefully wash their private regions, then apply shaving foam and
gently shave off their pubic hair, then rub in soothing oils so they're ready for the gynaecologist's examination."

"The annual salary is £65,000, and if you're interested you'll have to go to Newcastle "

" My God, is that where the job is?" asked the man.

She answered:

"No Sir, that's where the end of the queue is."

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2012
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 10 Dec 12 - 05:40 PM

"The Fabulous Golf Ball"

These two guys were approaching the first tee.
The first guy goes into his golf bag to get a ball
and says to his friend, "Hey, why don't you try this
ball?"

He draws a green golf ball out of his bag. "You can't
lose it."

His friend replies, "What do you mean, 'You can't lose it'?"

The first man replies, "I'm serious, you can't lose it. If you
hit it into the woods, it makes a beeping sound, if you hit
it into the water it produces bubbles, and if you hit it
on the fairway, smoke comes up in order for you to find it."

Obviously, his friend doesn't believe him, but he shows
him all the possibilities until he is convinced.

The friend says, "Wow! That's incredible! Where did you
get that ball?"

The man replies, "I found it."

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2012
From: Jim Dixon
Date: 09 Dec 12 - 10:56 AM

A census taker approaches a cabin in the Ozarks. He notices three pairs of twins playing in the yard. He says to the woman of the house: "Goodness! Do you get twins every time?"

She answers, "Heck, no! Most of the time I don't get nothin' atall."

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2012
From: Joe_F
Date: 08 Dec 12 - 06:02 PM

Likewise: A census taker came to the house of a couple of Scottish Presbyterians. Married 10 years. Children: ages 5, 6, 7, 8, and 9. "You were having them pretty regularly for a while," says the census taker. "Yes, sir," says the husband. "Then we found out what was causing it."

*

Unclear on the concept: This was on the Web a few days ago as a true story. After lecturing on figures of speech (metaphor, simile, etc.), the teacher invited her pupils to come up with examples of their own. One of them was "He was as tall as a 6-foot 2-inch tree".

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2012
From: MGM·Lion
Date: 08 Dec 12 - 12:38 PM

A man offered a drink to his neighbour at the pub bar. "No thanks," he said; "I only drink softs. As to alcohol: tried it once. Didn't like it."

"Oh. Cigarette?"

"No thanks. Don't smoke. Tried it once. Didn't like it."

"Oh. Well how about a coffee?"

"No thanks. Can't take caffeine. Tried it once. Didn't like it."

"Ah," [searching for conversational topic]. "I wonder, would you care for a round of   golf some time?"

"Sorry, don't play golf. Tried it once. Didn't like it.. You'll have to excuse me," he added, glancing at his watch. "Have to go. My son is expecting me."

"Your only son, I presume."

~M~

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2012
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 08 Dec 12 - 12:10 PM

Triplet Honeymoons

A mother had triplet daughters and, sure enough, they all got married the same day. On their wedding night, mom tells each one to write back about their married life. To avoid possible embarrassment to their new husbands by openly discussing their love lives, the mother and daughters agree to use newspaper advertisements as a "code" to let the mother know how their love lives are going.

Two days later the letters start to arrive from the various honeymoon destination spots.

The first one has the simple message: "Maxwell House Coffee". The mother gets the newspaper and checked the Maxwell House advertisement, and it says, "Satisfaction to the last drop." Mother is very happy.

The next day she gets the second letter. It reads: "Rothman's Mattresses". So the mother looks at the Rothman's Mattresses ad and it's headlined, "Full Size, King Size". And the mother is happy.

But she waits and waits for the third letter. It finally arrives after three weeks and has the message: "British Airways". Mother is at first perplexed, and when she finally finds the British Airways ad she fainted. The ad read:

"Three times a day, seven days a week, both ways."

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2012
From: Roger the Skiffler
Date: 03 Dec 12 - 09:55 AM

FIFTY SHEDS OF GREY



We tried various positions - round the back, on the side, up against a wall... But in the end we came to the conclusion the bottom of the garden was the only place for a good shed.　

She stood before me, trembling in my shed. "I'm yours for the night," she gasped, "You can do whatever you want with me."　So I took her to McDonald's.　



She knelt before me on the shed floor and tugged gently at first, then harder until finally it came. I moaned with pleasure. Now for the other boot.　

Ever since she read THAT book, I've had to buy all kinds of ropes, chains and shackles.　She still manages to get into the shed, though.

　
"Put on this rubber suit and mask," I instructed, calmly. "Mmmm, kinky!" she purred.　"Yes," I said, "You can't be too careful with all that asbestos in the shed roof."　

"I'm a very naughty girl," she said, biting her lip. "I need to be punished."　So I invited my mum to stay for the weekend.　

"Harder!" she cried, gripping the workbench tightly. "Harder!"　"Okay," I said. "What's the gross national product of Nicaragua?"　

I lay back exhausted, gazing happily out of the shed window.　Despite my concerns about my inexperience, my rhubarb had come up a treat.　

"Are you sure you can take the pain?" she demanded, brandishing stilettos.　"I think so," I gulped. "Here we go, then," she said, and showed me the receipt.　

"Hurt me!" she begged, raising her skirt as she bent over my workbench.　"Very well," I replied. "You've got fat ankles and no dress sense."　

"Are you sure you want this?" I asked. "When I'm done, you won't be able to sit down for weeks."　She nodded."Okay," I said, putting the three-piece suite on eBay.　

"Punish me!" she cried. "Make me suffer like only a real man can!"　"Very well," I replied, leaving the loo seat up.　


        
RtS

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2012
From: Mrrzy
Date: 01 Dec 12 - 04:58 PM

Did you ever tell a chemistry joke... and get no reaction?

Come on, cats, we only have a month to make this one too long to be the *only* Joke Thread of 2012...

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2012
From: Joe_F
Date: 31 Oct 12 - 09:12 PM

Mr DaveO's first one reminds me of the Cockney who was doing find in a spelling bee until he made an embarrassing mistaking spelling "auspice".

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2012
From: Bill D
Date: 31 Oct 12 - 01:44 PM

"The second one orders H2O, too, and dies"

But he died with all his skin infections cleared up.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2012
From: Dave Hanson
Date: 31 Oct 12 - 11:18 AM

Little Johnny got sent home from school, his mother says ' the headmaster told me you used the C word in class, ' ' that wasn't clever was it ? '

Johnny, no it was cunt.

Dave H

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2012
From: saulgoldie
Date: 31 Oct 12 - 10:10 AM

Two people--I dunno, could be two guys or two gals, or...whatever--walk into a bar. The first one orders H2O. The second one orders H2O, too, and dies. (If you don't geddit, ask me.)

An infinite number of mathematicians walks in to a bar. The first one orders a beer. The second one orders 1/2 a beer. The third one orders 1/4th of a beer. The fourth one orders 1/8th of a beer. Before the fifth one can order, the barkeep says, "You are all a bunch of idiots!" and he pours out two beers.

Both of these courtesy of "I Fucking Love Science."

Saul

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2012
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 31 Oct 12 - 09:30 AM

"Spelling Bee"

Little Johnny was participating in a spelling
bee during class. He had to spell the word
and use it in a sentence. The teacher asked
him to please spell the word EAR.

Little Johnny stood up and proudly said EAR,
E-A-R.

Then to use it in a sentence, he pretended to
take a big hit off a joint, and while pretending
to have his lungs full of smoke, he passed the
pretend joint to little Suzy, and said...

"Ear."


----------------

"Priorities"

The two teenagers were arrested for public
lewdness and possession of marijuana when
they were found naked, each smoking a
joint, sitting on the edge of the fountain in
the town square.

The arresting officer told them they were
entitled to a phone call, since he was
unable to reach either parent.

Some time later, a man entered the station
and the sergeant said, "I suppose you're the
kids' lawyer."

"Nope," the chap replied. "I'm just here to
deliver them a pizza."

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2012
From: GUEST
Date: 08 Oct 12 - 06:14 AM

Backstage at the Jubilee concert, Jessie J said to Rolf Harris, "Are you the bloke from the 70's who did 2 little boys? "
Rolf said, "No, that was Gary Glitter"

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2012
From: Peter the Squeezer
Date: 28 Sep 12 - 05:40 PM

Always wear clean underwear in public, especially when working under your vehicle.


From the Daily News comes this story of a Leicester couple.......... who drove their car to ASDA (WalMart to US people), only to have their car break down in the car park.


The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car.


The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car. On closer inspection, she saw a pair of hairy legs protruding from under the chassis. Unfortunately, although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned his private parts into glaringly public ones..


Unable to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward,quickly put her hand UP his shorts, and tucked everything back into place.


On regaining her feet, she looked across the bonnet and found herself staring at her husband who was standing idly by watching.


The AA mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his forehead.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2012
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 25 Sep 12 - 08:44 AM

"Identity Dreams"

"Doc - I think I'm losing it " he says. "I'm forever
dreaming I wrote The Lord of the Rings."

"Hmmm. One moment", replies the doctor,
consulting his medical records. "Ah yes, now I see,
.... you've been Tolkien in your sleep."

-----------


"Taste of Carp"

A chef was experimenting with ways to
improve the taste of carp.

He found that mixing herbs and spices with
shortening made a big difference. But timing
is critical.

So when the chef received a phone call, he
said he couldn't talk, explaining: "I left my
carp in saffron Crisco."

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2012
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 11 Sep 12 - 06:07 PM

Dog in the Train Seat

The train was quite crowded, so a U.S. Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat, having finally been allowed to go home after his fourth long tour in Afghanistan. Unfortunately, the only seat left was taken by the poodle of a well dressed, middle-aged, French woman. The war-weary Marine asked, "Ma'am, may I have that seat?"

The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular, "Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat!"

The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was under that dog.

"Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired."

She snorted, "Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!"

This time the Marine didn't say a word. He just picked up the little dog, tossed it out the train window, and sat down.

"Someone must defend my honor!" the woman shrieked. "This American should be put in his place!"

"Sir," an English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up, much to the relief of the woman. "You Americans often seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your cars on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out of the window."

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2012
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 08 Sep 12 - 04:37 PM

Darwin Strikes Again

Police responding to a house burglary in Tulsa, Okla., were given a description of the suspect and shown which way he ran. They quickly spotted Edward Jerome McBride, 37, and watched as he dove into the Arkansas River. they began ordering the suspect to get out of the river, but the suspect continued carrying the bag [of loot] and swimming farther from shore," a police spokesman said. Then McBride started calling for help. Two officers jumped in to try to rescue him, but they were too late — he drowned. McBride couldn't swim very well because the duffel bag he was dragging weighed 55 pounds. Even though he dropped it before going under, he had "a significant amount" of jewelry stuffed into his cargo pants pockets dragging him down. (Tulsa World) . . .

Just another crook overwhelmed by weight of the evidence.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2012
From: Joe_F
Date: 29 Aug 12 - 08:51 PM

Death has one thing to be said for it:
You don't have to get out of bed for it.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2012
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 29 Aug 12 - 08:59 AM

"Good News"

"I have good news and bad news," a defense
attorney told his client.

"First the bad news. The blood test came back,
and your DNA is an exact match with that
found at the crime scene."

"Oh, no!" cried the client. "What's the good news?"

"Your cholesterol is only 140."


--------------

"Shingles"

A fellow walked into a doctor's office and the
receptionist asked him what he had.

He said, "I've got shingles."

So she took down his name, address, and medical
insurance number and told him to have a seat.

A few minutes later a nurse's aid came out and
asked him what he had.

He said, "Shingles."

So she took down his height, weight, and a
complete medical history and told him to wait in
the examining room.

Ten minutes later a nurse came in and asked him
what he had.

He said, "Shingles."

So she gave him a blood test, a blood pressure test,
and an electrocardiogram and told him to take off
all his clothes and wait for the doctor.

Fifteen minutes later the doctor came in and asked
him what he had.

He said, "Shingles."

The doctor said, "Where?"

He said, "Outside in the truck. Where do you want them?"

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2012
From: MGM·Lion
Date: 29 Aug 12 - 07:34 AM

I tend more to eddie's view ~~ found it a bit embarrassing - & not in a haha way...

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2012
From: Midchuck
Date: 29 Aug 12 - 06:55 AM

Well, as a mere "guest" I don't suppose my opinion counts for much; but for whatever it's worth, I find the previous "joke" in very poor taste.

Yes. POOR TASTE IS OF THE ESSENCE OF "FUNNY."

Obsession with good taste destroys humor.

IMO, of course. But my opinion is a direct revelation from the Divine. (Hey, if fundamentalist preachers can make that claim, why can't I?)

Peter

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2012
From: GUEST,CrazyEddie
Date: 29 Aug 12 - 05:30 AM

Well, as a mere "guest" I don't suppose my opinion counts for much; but for whatever it's worth, I find the previous "joke" in very poor taste.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2012
From: Dead Horse
Date: 28 Aug 12 - 12:55 PM

FINALLY,SOMEONE HAS CLEARED THIS UP.

For centuries, Hindu women have worn a dot on their foreheads.

Most of us have naively thought this was connected with tradition or religion, but the Indian embassy in Ottawa has recently revealed the true story.

When a Hindu woman gets married, she brings a dowry into the union.

On her wedding night, the husband scratches off the dot to see whether he has won a corner shop, a petrol station, a curry house, a taxi cab, or an old peoples home in the UK.

If nothing is there, he must remain in India to answer telephones and provide us with BT technical advice.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2012
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 26 Aug 12 - 02:53 PM

"Train Whistle"

A fellow who had spent his whole life in the desert
came to visit a friend. He'd never seen a train or
the tracks they run on.

While standing in the middle of the railroad tracks
one day, he heard this whistle -- Whooee da Whoee! -
- but didn't know what it was.

Predictably, he was hit and thrown to the side of the
tracks. It was only a glancing blow, so he was
fortunate to receive some minor internal injuries,
a few broken bones, and some bruises.

After weeks in the hospital recovering, he was at his
friend's house, attending a party one evening. While
in the kitchen, he suddenly heard the tea kettle
whistling. He grabbed a baseball bat from the nearby
closet and proceeded to batter and bash the tea
kettle into an unrecognizable lump of metal.

His friend, hearing the ruckus, rushed into the kitchen,
saw what had happened, and asked, "Why'd you ruin my
good tea kettle?"

The desert man replied, "Man, you gotta kill these
things when they're small!"

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2012
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 22 Aug 12 - 09:45 AM

"Golfer"

A golfer hit his drive on the first hole 300 yards
right down the middle. When it came down,
however, it hit a sprinkler and the ball went
sideways into the woods.

He was angry, but he went into the woods and
hit a very hard 2 iron which hit a tree and
bounced back straight at him. It hit him in the
temple and killed him.

He was at the Pearly Gates and St. Peter looked
at the big book and said, "I see you were a golfer;
is that correct?"

"Yes, I was," he replied.

St Peter then said, "Do you hit the ball a long way?"

The golfer replied, "You bet. After all, I got here in 2,
didn't I?"

-------------


"At the Pearly Gates"

A guy arrives at the pearly gates, waiting to be
admitted. St. Peter is reading through the Big Book
to see if the guy's name is written in it. After several
minutes, St. Peter closes the book, furrows his brow,
and says, "I'm sorry, I don't see your name written in
the Book."

"How current is your copy?" he asks.

"I get a download every ten minutes," St. Peter replies.
"Why do you ask?"

"I'm embarrassed to admit it, but I was always the
stubborn type. It was not until my death was imminent
that I cried out to God, so my name probably hasn't
arrived to your copy yet."

"I'm glad to hear that," St. Peter says, "but while we're
waiting for the update to come through, can tell me
about a really good deed that you did in your life?"

The guys thinks for a moment and says, "Hmm... Well
there was this one time when I was drivin' down a
road and I saw a giant group of biker gang members
harassing this poor girl. I slowed down, and sure
enough, there they were, about twenty of 'em torturing
this poor woman.

Infuriated, I got out my car, grabbed a tire iron out of
my trunk, and walked up to the leader of the gang. He
was a huge guy; 6-foot-4, 260 pounds, with a studded
leather jacket and a chain running from his nose to his
ears. As I walked up to the leader, the bikers formed a
circle around me and told me to get lost or I'd be next.

"So I ripped the leader's chain out of his face and smashed
him over the head with the tire iron. Then I turned around
and yelled to the rest of them, "Leave this poor innocent
girl alone! You're all a bunch of sick, deranged animals!
Go home before I really teach you a lesson in PAIN!"

St. Peter, duly impressed, says "Wow! When did this
happen?"

"About three minutes ago."

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2012
From: Mrrzy
Date: 21 Aug 12 - 11:09 PM

That hormones and chocolate one made me think of a couple of old ones...

*Why don't men get mad cow disease?
Because they are pigs.

*Why do they call it PMS?
Because mad cow disease was already taken.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2012
From: frogprince
Date: 21 Aug 12 - 11:37 AM

I think the wheelbarrow one was first told within a day of the invention of the wheelbarrow.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2012
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 21 Aug 12 - 10:17 AM

"Being at Home"

As a door-to-door salesman approached a
house on his route, he saw a small boy sitting
on the porch reading a book.

"Hi, sonny," he said. "Is your Mommy home?"

"Yes, sir," the boy replied, and went back to
reading.

The salesman rang the doorbell several times,
then resorted to knocking on the door. After
15 minutes of this with no response, he turned
to the boy.

"Hey, sonny," he said, "I thought you told me your
Mommy was home."

"I did, Mister," the boy replied, "As a matter of
fact, I see her watching you right now from
our living room window across the street."

--------


"Night Watchman"

A man got a job as a night watchman at a factory.
There had been a lot of thefts by the workers on the
night shift, so every morning when the night shift
workers passed through his gate it was his job to
check their bags and pockets to make sure that
nothing was being stolen.

Things were going along very well the first night on the
job until a man pushing a wheelbarrow of newspaper
came through his gate. Aha, he thought, that man
thinks he can cover up what he is stealing with that
newspaper. So he removed the paper only to find
nothing. Still he felt that the man was acting strangely,
so he questioned him about the paper.

"I get a little extra money from newspapers I recycle, so
I go into the lunchroom and pick up all the ones people
have thrown away." The guard let him pass, but decided
to keep a close eye on him.

The next night it was the same, and the night after that.
Week after week it went on. The same guy would push
the wheelbarrow of newspapers past the guard's
checkpoint. The guard would always check and find
nothing.

Then one night, about a year later, the guard reported
for work only to find a message had been left for him
telling him to report to his supervisor. He walked into
the supervisor's office and before he could say a word,
the boss said, "You're fired!"

"Fired?" he asked in total surprise. "Why? What did I do?"

"It was your job to make sure that no one stole anything
from this plant and you have failed. So you're fired."

"Wait a minute, what do you mean failed. Nobody ever
stole anything from this place while I was on guard."

"Oh, really," the boss answered. "Then how do you
account for the fact that there are 365 wheelbarrows
missing?"

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2012
From: Justa Picker
Date: 20 Aug 12 - 08:04 PM

A woman meets a man in a bar. They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together.. They get back to his place, And as he shows her around his apartment, she notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears.

There are three shelves in the bedroom, with hundreds and hundreds of cute, cuddly teddy bears carefully placed in rows, covering the entire wall! It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly arrange them and she was immediately touched by the amount of thought he had put into organizing the display. There were small bears all along the bottom shelf, medium-sized bears covering the length of the middle shelf, and huge, enormous bears running all the way along the top shelf.

She found it strange for an obviously masculine guy to have such a large collection of Teddy Bears and she is quite impressed by his sensitive side...but doesn't mention this to him. They share a bottle of wine and continue talking and, after awhile, she finds herself thinking, 'Oh my God! Maybe, this guy Could be the one! Maybe he could be the future father of my children?' She turns to him and kisses him lightly on the lips. He responds warmly. They continue to kiss, the passion builds, and he romantically lifts her in his arms and carries her into his bedroom where they rip off each other's clothes and make hot, steamy love. She is so overwhelmed that she responds with more passion, more creativity, more heat than she has ever known.

After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow. The woman rolls over, gently strokes his chest and asks coyly, 'Well, how was it?' The guy gently smiles at her, strokes her cheek, looks deeply into her eyes, and says:

'Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf.'

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2012
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 19 Aug 12 - 09:34 PM

The Hormone Hostage

The Hormone Hostage knows that there are days in the month when all a man has to do is open his mouth and he takes his very life into his own hands! This is a handy guide that should be as common as a driver's license in the wallet of every husband, boyfriend, or significant other!

DANGEROUS: What's for dinner?
SAFER: Can I help you with dinner?
SAFEST: Where would you like to go for dinner?
ULTRASAFE: Here, have some chocolate.

DANGEROUS: Are you wearing that?
SAFER: Gee, you look good in brown.
SAFEST: WOW! Look at you!
ULTRASAFE: Here, have some chocolate.

DANGEROUS: What are you so worked up about?
SAFER: Could we be overreacting?
SAFEST: It's my fault.
ULTRASAFE: Here, have some chocolate.

DANGEROUS: Should you be eating that?
SAFER: You know, there are a lot of apples left.
SAFEST: Can I get you a glass of wine with that?
ULTRASAFE: Here, have some chocolate.

DANGEROUS: What did you do all day?
SAFER: I hope you didn't overdo it today.
SAFEST: I've always loved you in that robe!
ULTRASAFE: Here, have some more chocolate.

So why did I write this? Well, my significant other, not happy with my mood swings, bought me a mood ring the other day so he would be able to monitor my moods. When I'm in a good mood, it turns green. When I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a big red mark on his forehead. Maybe next time he'll buy me diamonds.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2012
From: MGM·Lion
Date: 18 Aug 12 - 06:16 AM

"Dr Finlay, Dr Finlay, wad ye like a cup o' tea?"

"Oh for Christ's sake, Janet! Cannae a man tak a crap in peace roond here!?"

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2012
From: Joe_F
Date: 11 Aug 12 - 10:56 PM

"Anorexia for lunch" reminded me of the following:

Customer (exasperated by seeing the waiter continually scratch his ass): "Do you have hemorrhoids?"
Waither: "Only what's on the menu, sir."

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2012
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 11 Aug 12 - 05:28 PM

A psychologist reports to (the source from which I got this) that: "When I recently visited my brother Jim, a family practitioner, I had some time to kill while he finished office hours. So I idly leafed through some patient 'charts' that were stacked on his desk. As you see, good writing runs in our family."

Actual Entries on Hospital Charts

Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.

On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it disappeared.

The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.

The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.

Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year-old male, mentally alert but forgetful.

Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.

Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40-pound weight gain in the past three days.

Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.

The skin was moist and dry.

Occasional constant infrequent headaches.

Patient was alert and unresponsive.

Rectal examination revealed a normal-size thyroid.

She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce.

I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.

Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.

Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.

The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.

The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stockbroker instead.

Skin: somewhat pale but present.

The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.

Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Blank, who felt we should sit on the abdomen, and I agree.

Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.
Patient has two teenage children but no other abnormalities.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2012
From: Joe_F
Date: 08 Aug 12 - 08:39 PM

For those of an even older age:

A burglar broke into the White House & surprised FDR in bed. He brandished his pistol & ordered "Get your head under the covers and don't make a sound". So the President did that, but scrunching up caused his rear end to stick out from under the side of the blanket.   Said the burglar, "That goes for you too, Farley!"

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2012
From: Joe_F
Date: 07 Aug 12 - 09:32 PM

When I was little, in California, that ran: Once there was a man named None of Your Business, and he had a wife named Shut Up, and a dog named Trouble....

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2012
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 07 Aug 12 - 04:08 PM

Be Careful About Names

Everybody I know who has a dog usually calls him "Robert" or "Boy". I call mine "Sex".

When I went to the City Hall to renew his dog license, I told the clerk that I would like a license for Sex.   He said, "I'd like one of those too."   Then I said, "You don't understand. I've had Sex since I was nine years old." He said,"You must have been quite a kid!"

When I decided to get married, I told the minister that I would like to have Sex at the wedding. He told me to wait until the wedding was over. I said, "Bt Sex has played a big part in my life, and my whole world revolves around Sex." He said he didn't want to hear about my personal life and would not marry us in his church. The next day we were married at the Justice of the Peace. My family is barred from the church from then on.

When my wife and I went on our honeymoon, I took the dog with me. I told the hotel clerk that I wanted a room for my wife and me, and a special room for Sex. He said, "Every room in the place is for sex." I said, "You don't understand. Sex keeps me awake at night." The clerk said, "Me too."

One day I entered Sex in a contest, but before the competition began, the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just looking around. I told him I had planned to have Sex in the contest. He told me that I should have sold tickets. "But you don't understand, " I said, "I had hoped to have Sex on T.V." He called me a show-off.

When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said, "Your Honor, I had Sex before I was married." The judge said, "Me too." Then I told him that after I was married, Sex left me. He said, "Me too."

Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking around town for him. A cop came over to me and asked,"What are you doing in the alley at 4 o'clock in the morning?" I said, "I'm looking for sex."

My case comes up on Friday.

---

Well, now I've been thrown in jail, been divorced, and had more damn troubles with that dog than I ever foresaw. Why, just the other day when I went for my first session with the psychiatrist, she asked me, "What seems to be the trouble?" I replied, "Sex has been my best friend, but now it has left me forever. I couldn't live any longer so lonely," and the doctor said, "Look, Mister, you should understand that sex isn't a man's best friend, so get yourself a dog!"

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2012
From: Joe_F
Date: 06 Aug 12 - 11:25 PM

For those of a certain age:

Conductor: Why is that lantern hanging outside the upper berth?
Porter: Why, sir, you know the rule says you have to hang out a red lantern when the rear end of a sleeper is exposed.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2012
From: Peter the Squeezer
Date: 06 Aug 12 - 02:15 AM

Latest sailing result from the Olympics - Great Britain took the Gold, USA took the Silver, Somalia took an elderly couple from Weymouth beach.