BS: Garbled Syntax

Subject: RE: BS: Garbled Syntax
From: GUEST,Eliza
Date: 25 Jul 12 - 11:39 AM

I hate it when the recorded voice says, "Please listen CAREFULLY to the following choices..." I always want to shriek, "No, I'll blinking well listen as carelessly as possible!"

Subject: RE: BS: Garbled Syntax
From: EBarnacle
Date: 25 Jul 12 - 11:36 AM

One which constantly gets my grits is "you have reached xyz. I am not in now. Please leave a message..." If I had reached xyz, I would not have to leave a message.

Subject: RE: BS: Garbled Syntax
From: Deckman
Date: 24 Jul 12 - 12:24 PM

"Up the down staircase"

Subject: RE: BS: Garbled Syntax
From: Ebbie
Date: 24 Jul 12 - 11:31 AM

A woman of my acquaintance was complaining to me of the sommelier in the resort where she worked.

Evidently the waiters were very busy and instead of helping, "And there he was, just standing on his a**."

Subject: RE: BS: Garbled Syntax
From: MGM·Lion
Date: 24 Jul 12 - 11:16 AM

Saul ~ If, in the 11·x·'had' sentence, you substitute 'written', for the 2nd 'had' and the 5th 'had', and 'received' for the final, 11th one, and then read it out loud, you will find it makes perfect sense, without significantly altering the meaning.

~M~

Subject: RE: BS: Garbled Syntax
From: saulgoldie
Date: 24 Jul 12 - 10:59 AM

I protest that multi-"had" sentence as a mere exercise. I mean, does it actually have any meaning? If one said it to a normal person...

Garbled sin-tax? Like if there was a levy on prosyletution?

Saul

Subject: RE: BS: Garbled Syntax
From: GUEST,Eliza
Date: 24 Jul 12 - 10:53 AM

This might tie in with the thread about Men And Washing Machines, or even the thread about Racism in The UK (We actually reckon some East Europeans whisked it away in their van; they were in our village 5 mins before, putting those scam charity sacks through the doors)

Subject: RE: BS: Garbled Syntax
From: GUEST,Eliza
Date: 24 Jul 12 - 10:49 AM

We had a washing machine stolen from our front garden yesterday. (We were going to dispose of it anyway; it was worn out.) My neighbour was telling her husband when he arrived home from work. They stood in our garden and she said, "And there it was Robert...GONE!"

Subject: RE: BS: Garbled Syntax
From: beeliner
Date: 24 Jul 12 - 01:07 AM

From The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Nighttime by Mark Haddon:

"His face was drawn but the curtains were real."

Subject: RE: BS: Garbled Syntax
From: MGM·Lion
Date: 23 Jul 12 - 11:09 AM

Housepoint, Amos.

Subject: RE: BS: Garbled Syntax
From: Midchuck
Date: 23 Jul 12 - 10:52 AM

Here's a classic involving a misplaced comma. A panda walks into a bar, pulls out a gun, kills the bartender and walks out. Everyone knows a panda eats, shoots and leaves.

Actually, the original joke involved a Panda visiting a prostitute and failing to pay. Really.

Peter

Subject: RE: BS: Garbled Syntax
From: Amos
Date: 23 Jul 12 - 10:51 AM

Smith, where Jones had had "had", had had "had had"; "had had" had had their teacher's approval.

Subject: RE: BS: Garbled Syntax
From: John P
Date: 23 Jul 12 - 10:37 AM

My ex had a poetry instructor who told his students on the first day of class that he didn't want to see any poems with the syntax tortured to make it fit the rhythm and rhyme scheme. He said that was something "up with which I will not put."

Subject: RE: BS: Garbled Syntax
From: Ebbie
Date: 22 Jul 12 - 08:13 PM

To paraphrase someone else: The least you can do is nothing.

Subject: RE: BS: Garbled Syntax
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 22 Jul 12 - 04:58 PM

Some people get paid to be good, but I'm good for nothing.

Subject: RE: BS: Garbled Syntax
From: Doug Chadwick
Date: 22 Jul 12 - 07:13 AM

Jack    and    Jill.

There are spaces between Jack and and and and and Jill.

Subject: RE: BS: Garbled Syntax
From: MGM·Lion
Date: 22 Jul 12 - 05:09 AM

One is reminded of the old puzzle as to how to punctuate the following to make sense:

Smith where Jones had had had had had had had had had had had their teacher's approval

~M~

Subject: RE: BS: Garbled Syntax
From: GUEST,Eliza
Date: 22 Jul 12 - 04:32 AM

That's the title of a very funny English usage book by Lynn Truss. (I can recommend it) Another example of incorrect punctuation is the sign outside a barber's shop: "What do you think? I'll shave you for nothing!" Which should have read: "What? Do you think I'll shave you for nothing?"

Subject: RE: BS: Garbled Syntax
From: Neil D
Date: 21 Jul 12 - 11:09 PM

Here's a classic involving a misplaced comma. A panda walks into a bar, pulls out a gun, kills the bartender and walks out. Everyone knows a panda eats, shoots and leaves.

Subject: RE: BS: Garbled Syntax
From: Ebbie
Date: 21 Jul 12 - 04:24 PM

Thanks, y'all. No, I don't have a recording. My brother and I once tried recording some of my songs but we made such a botch of it that we ended up laughing helplessly. One of us would forget a word or line or the other would forget to come in on cue, and on and on - we had a lot of fun but no, I don't have a recording. lol

Subject: RE: BS: Garbled Syntax
From: gnu
Date: 21 Jul 12 - 04:11 PM

Ebbie... beeeautiful!

I am with Crowhugger.

Subject: RE: BS: Garbled Syntax
From: Crowhugger
Date: 21 Jul 12 - 12:11 PM

Love the thread!

Ebbie have you an audio or video recording of your song? Would love to hear it.

Subject: RE: BS: Garbled Syntax
From: Ebbie
Date: 20 Jul 12 - 12:14 AM

Thanks, Bert.

Subject: RE: BS: Garbled Syntax
From: Bert
Date: 19 Jul 12 - 10:39 PM

Great song Ebbie.

Subject: RE: BS: Garbled Syntax
From: Bernard
Date: 19 Jul 12 - 07:19 AM

Are you the front end of a donkey?
No!
Are you the back end of a donkey?
No!
Then you must be no end of a donkey!

Subject: RE: BS: Garbled Syntax
From: MGM·Lion
Date: 19 Jul 12 - 07:14 AM

A friend of mine said she found the two instructions on a bottle, "Keep away from children. Do not drink", and remarked that she would find the second injunction easier to obey if she could only think of some way to accomplish the first.

~M~

Subject: RE: BS: Garbled Syntax
From: GUEST,Dáithí
Date: 19 Jul 12 - 06:15 AM

A couple of favourites:

Medicine labels saying " Keep away from children" - always good advice in my opinion!

And the signs you see up and down motorways ,"Road Works Ahead" - am so glad that it does...
d

Subject: RE: BS: Garbled Syntax
From: Ebbie
Date: 19 Jul 12 - 12:23 AM

I forgot about posting this (sorry it is so long). Thanks for asking.

Sun and Rain
Elva Bontrager 1998

As I dwell on the memories of so many years
And on the lives of most people I know
It surely does seem that we learn from extremes
Let me show you that it's really so
There is sun, there is rain, there is pleasure, there is pain
There is friend, there is foe, there's the stranger that I know
Laughter and tears, hopes mingled with fears
The joy and the grief, the rapture and woe

There are giggles and sighs, hellos and goodbyes
So many of each in our lives
Promises broken and words left unspoken
Things idolized or despised
   Anger and gladness and happy and sadness
   The loves and the hates, the births and the fates
   The pathway supernal, the broad road infernal
   The blink of a day a thousand years away

Through the years I could see my life blown by the wind
Soaring high and then dashed to the ground
Finally I wondered just how much I'd squandered
Having every wind that blows toss me around
A good man's not always right nor the bad man always wrong
Things are not always black or white as I'd thought my whole life long
Instead of haste I've learned patience, deep gratitude for questions
The answers can wait. That, at last, I have found

I don't know all the reasons for life's changing seasons
But whate'er they may bring is what must be
So in all of my dreams, through all life's extremes
I'll take each moment and let it shape me
   I'll take the sun, face the rain, take the pleasure, bear the pain
   Love the friend, love the foe, love the stranger in my home
   Life's extremes are the means, fertile seeds that we need
   To live and to love, to give and to grow.

Yes, there's anger and gladness and happy and sadness
The loves and the hates, the births and the fates
The pathway supernal, the broad road infernal
The blink of a day a thousand years away
The blink of my day a thousand years away

Subject: RE: BS: Garbled Syntax
From: MGM·Lion
Date: 18 Jul 12 - 04:18 AM

"Oh, nobody goes there any more. It's much too crowded."

Subject: RE: BS: Garbled Syntax
From: MGM·Lion
Date: 18 Jul 12 - 03:41 AM

I used to love the instruction on the lid of a particular make of jam ~ Robertson's or Hartley's I think ~~

To open, pierce with a pin. Then push off.

Always reminded me of fireworks: "Light the blue touch paper and retire".

~M~

Subject: RE: BS: Garbled Syntax
From: GUEST,Eliza
Date: 18 Jul 12 - 03:10 AM

Some more from Lost In Translation:-

Madrid restaurant:- Our wine leaves you nothing to hope for.

Japan hotel:- If you want more heat or cold in room, please control yourself.
and... Please take advantage of the chambermaid.

Rome hotel:- Please dial 7 to retrieve your auto from the garbage.

Heathrow Airport, UK:- No electric people carrying vehicles beyond this point.

Subject: RE: BS: Garbled Syntax
From: framus
Date: 17 Jul 12 - 11:10 PM

Big brother (as a child) was referred to by our Grannie as a half-wit (we didn't muck about in Derry!) Quick as a flash, the response "Well you're a whole wit, then!".

Subject: RE: BS: Garbled Syntax
From: Becca72
Date: 17 Jul 12 - 02:47 PM

LOL Eliza. Reminds me of the time I was out to dinner with the 'rents. Sign on the buffet read "Steamed baby clams". I asked Kendall what got them so angry...

Subject: RE: BS: Garbled Syntax
From: GUEST,Eliza
Date: 17 Jul 12 - 02:41 PM

There's a super little book calles Lost In Translation. There are some real howlers in there. eg Sign in hotel room in Finland:- "If you have a fire, shut the door and expose yourself at the window." I like the signs one sees on security doors in shops: This Door Is Alarmed! (I wonder what frightened it?)

Subject: RE: BS: Garbled Syntax
From: BrendanB
Date: 17 Jul 12 - 12:28 PM

"I've got a really busy day tomorrow. I'm having two teeth taken out and a gas fire put in".

Subject: RE: BS: Garbled Syntax
From: Ebbie
Date: 17 Jul 12 - 11:41 AM

He said, "Yes, I have a lot of words in my mouth!" Bill D

That reminds me of a precocious little boy who once asked me to sing something. I did and then he said, Now let's sing the song that's in my mouth.

Subject: RE: BS: Garbled Syntax
From: gnu
Date: 17 Jul 12 - 11:41 AM

Jts... a greeting from a Newf I knew years ago... "Whatchya got in yer mout me ol cock?"

Subject: RE: BS: Garbled Syntax
From: saulgoldie
Date: 17 Jul 12 - 11:01 AM

Misplaced modifiers, words that are nearly but not exactly the word one intended, abused words, over-used words. Oh, and mispronunciation. It's "noo-clee-ir," stupid!

Yeah, all that. And...failure to use the semi-colon. Save the semi-colon! Hope itsa long thread!

Saul

Subject: RE: BS: Garbled Syntax
From: Bill D
Date: 17 Jul 12 - 10:57 AM

25+ years ago, my son, at about 3½, made some remark using a word that surprised us. Pleased, we complemented him on how well he said it. (details long forgotten, but not his response: )

He said, "Yes, I have a lot of words in my mouth!"

------------------------------------

My college German professor told of a small boy objecting to his father's choice of a book for a bedtime story:

"Daddy, why did you bring that book I didn't want to be read to out of up for?"

Subject: RE: BS: Garbled Syntax
From: Becca72
Date: 17 Jul 12 - 10:46 AM

When something around here goes missing "and there is was, lost"

Subject: RE: BS: Garbled Syntax
From: John MacKenzie
Date: 17 Jul 12 - 10:37 AM

I've just about reached breaking point, he snapped.

Subject: RE: BS: Garbled Syntax
From: Mr Happy
Date: 17 Jul 12 - 10:01 AM

Can you bring that book about Down Under up?

Subject: RE: BS: Garbled Syntax
From: Jim Dixon
Date: 17 Jul 12 - 08:59 AM

Throw the cow over the fence some hay.

Subject: RE: BS: Garbled Syntax
From: Jack the Sailor
Date: 17 Jul 12 - 08:37 AM

Last night I shot an elephant in my pajamas!

Subject: RE: BS: Garbled Syntax
From: John MacKenzie
Date: 17 Jul 12 - 06:26 AM

Jings, is there naethin' they wullnae tax?

Subject: RE: BS: Garbled Syntax
From: Megan L
Date: 17 Jul 12 - 03:31 AM

Dad used to say "I may no be right here but ahm certainly no aw there"
And I did once catch a member of my first aid team asking someone who she had seen kicked in a sensitive place by a clydesdale "Are you allright"

Subject: RE: BS: Garbled Syntax
From: Ebbie
Date: 17 Jul 12 - 03:23 AM

"Was it you or your brother was killed in the war?" framus

lol

Subject: RE: BS: Garbled Syntax
From: Jack the Sailor
Date: 16 Jul 12 - 08:34 PM

There are a bunch of Newfoundland jokes based on a similar premise.

A guy phones the Salvation Army.

"Do you save fallen women?

"Good! Save me two for Saturday night."

Subject: RE: BS: Garbled Syntax
From: Sandra in Sydney
Date: 16 Jul 12 - 08:25 PM

me too, me too!

Subject: RE: BS: Garbled Syntax
From: katlaughing
Date: 16 Jul 12 - 07:24 PM

I agree, Bert! C'mon, Ebbie! (Great thread!)