BS: The Christmas commandments

Subject: BS: The Christmas commandments
From: Sandra in Sydney
Date: 22 Dec 12 - 04:19 AM

And the Lord contemplated Christmas and he became sorely aggrieved He said, ''It was only ever meant to be a simple birthday party. How did things get so out of hand?'' And so the Lord made new laws to get things back on track.

And the Lord said: ''Should you wish to send a greeting card to mark the season, let not that card be marked by bragging, even unto the brand of car you have purchased, though it be a Merc or possibly an Audi. And though great be your jubilation about your daughter Chloe, who won the year 5 music prize with her cello, do not go on and on about it, especially if the family who receives the card also has a year 5 daughter but theirs was arrested for shoplifting. And though vast be your joyousness in your partner whose salary, including bonuses, now resembles a mountain of gold that glints like a thousand eyes, careful shall thou be in the expression of these things, saying simply, 'We're all well and hope you are too.'''

And the Lord said: ''And should you become sorely tired writing the same message in a great multitude of cards, and should you think, 'I know, I will just write one long message, four or five pages, closely typed, print it many times and then place a copy in each card so all may know the news from my family, even unto the cost of the dog's operation,' then verily should you think again.''

And the Lord said: ''And should you find yourself in the shopping mall with your left blinker on, waiting for a car park, when all the other spots are taken, and verily does a lady zip in and take that very spot, though you'd bagsed it, that much was clear to all, let there not be lamentations in which the air is rent with fury, and let not the lady driver be smote with terms such as 'abomination' and 'evildoer' and 'bloody Volvo driver'. Instead, cast your eyes to the horizon, whereupon will appear another shopper, pushing a trolley resplendent with gifts. Follow this man as a lion would follow a wildebeest and, verily, in time, his spot will be yours.''

And the Lord pondered. And the Lord cleared His throat. And the Lord pulled at His right ear lobe to assist His thought process.

Then He spoke, his voice low and steady, for this was the important bit: ''And once inside the shopping mall, let not one man fight against his neighbour, though both have one hand on the Giggle and Hoot Hootabelle pillow, and it be the last such item in all of Sydney, even unto the central coast, and it hath been keenly requested, on the one hand by Samantha, aged 4, and on the other by Timothy, aged 4, and tremendous will be the tumult on Christmas Day on the part of him or her who does not get it, with the gnashing of teeth and the kicking of legs, yet desist, I say to you both, from pulling this way and that on the pillow, saying 'It's mine' and 'No, it's mine, I got here first', until the fabric be sorely strained and the Giggle and Hoot Hootabelle pillow be finally rent in twain, the store filled with a stuffing that floats on the air like pestilence.''

And then the Lord turned his mind to the day itself. And he spake thus: ''Bless the little children and keep them from sugar, especially buckets of it in the hours before breakfast, for its consumption will turn them into a mighty wind that will rush through your home and the fruit of this wind will be pain and its tune will be the sound of breaking glass.

''And verily should the wine not be opened until 11am, and even then a tiny sip of champers, just to get in the mood, lest the wine extend its dominion over the whole day, nourishing the evil in men and causing Uncle Michael to mention Uncle Terry's legal difficulties, which all agreed would not be mentioned.''

Then the Lord said: ''And lo, you shall read the recipe to the very end and understand that a big turkey takes time and you can't just defrost it by putting it under the hot tap for five minutes and then expect the oven to do the rest, even though you haven't even started by 11.30am, what were you thinking?''

And God became a little maudlin and thought about how all He'd wanted was a simple celebration. Who would have guessed everyone would get so tense, spending a whole month moaning and whingeing and talking about ''being under pressure'' and, this was the hurtful bit, saying they wished Christmas was over before it had begun.

God sighed. Sometimes he wondered whether anyone liked Christmas except for the five-year-olds. Then again, he thought to himself, they really like it.

At that God smiled. Then He decided to add just one more rule. A great shadow passed across his brow and his voice shook like thunder. ''Socks,'' he said. ''Just remember. No one wants socks.''

by Richard Glover. Broadcaster & Sydney Morning Herald columnist

Richard Glover is the author of 12 books, including the bestsellers 'In Bed with Jocasta', 'The Dag's Dictionary' and 'Desperate Husbands'. He has written a weekly column for the Herald for over 20 years and presents the Drive show on ABC Radio in Sydney. His most recent books are 'The Mud House', the story of four friends building a house in the bush with no power tools, and 'Why Men Are Necessary', a collection of his comic pieces from radio's 'Thank God It's Friday'. For more: www.richardglover.com.au

Subject: RE: BS: The Christmas commandments
From: DMcG
Date: 22 Dec 12 - 04:25 AM

Brilliant! One of the few times LOL has been literally true for me!

Subject: RE: BS: The Christmas commandments
From: Sandra in Sydney
Date: 22 Dec 12 - 04:42 AM

glad you like it, D., he is a clever bloke.

Subject: RE: BS: The Christmas commandments
From: GUEST,Backwoodsman
Date: 22 Dec 12 - 04:43 AM

Thanks Sandra, had me and Mrs. Fenswoman laughing our (non-Christmas-gift) socks off. Brightened up a cold, rainy UK Saturday morning, brilliant!

Subject: RE: BS: The Christmas commandments
From: GUEST,Eliza
Date: 22 Dec 12 - 06:34 AM

Laughed my socks off, Sandra. (The ones that shalt not be given at Christmas)

Subject: RE: BS: The Christmas commandments
From: Bobert
Date: 22 Dec 12 - 08:51 AM

God's a purdy smart, boy...

B;~)

Subject: RE: BS: The Christmas commandments
From: Will Fly
Date: 22 Dec 12 - 08:57 AM

'bloody Volvo driver'

Lord, I was that bloody Volvo driver...

Subject: RE: BS: The Christmas commandments
From: GUEST,Patsy
Date: 22 Dec 12 - 09:14 AM

That has brightened up a grey morning Lol! Very clever but true. To add to the socks that shalt not be given I would add bundles of men's underpants. Although there may be a bit of wisdom for that. I'm not suggesting anything of course!

Subject: RE: BS: The Christmas commandments
From: GUEST,Eliza
Date: 22 Dec 12 - 09:21 AM

Confession time:- I recently pulled in to a parking space, not realising (honestly!) that a chap in a massive 4X4 RangeRover thing had been waiting like a shark for the same spot. Once I'd switched off the engine he came stomping up with teeth gnashing and expletives firing out from between them. I wound down my window and treated him to quite a long, polite explanantion in...Noushi. (French Ivorian patois) My husband gallantly joined in, and the poor man decided we understood no English and were beyond hope. As he stomped off again, I heard him muttering a lot of words, all beginning with F. I felt terrible, but sometimes one has to be a bit resourceful.

Subject: RE: BS: The Christmas commandments
From: GUEST,Manuel
Date: 22 Dec 12 - 11:21 AM

Considering, dear Eliza, that every word of his that you were able to hear began with that unfortunate letter, this does not sound like a case where your French (sort of?) was fully pardoned! I may as well grasp this chance to wish you, and all in the coziest cafe, a Merry Christmas.

Subject: RE: BS: The Christmas commandments
From: JennieG
Date: 22 Dec 12 - 02:42 PM

Oh yes.....I read this the other day and chuckled. The one I particularly like is not sending pages and pages of family "news" with the annual card.

Cheers
JennieG

Subject: RE: BS: The Christmas commandments
From: Anne Lister
Date: 22 Dec 12 - 05:49 PM

I love it - and it's all so true! And this morning I was honked at by a car waiting to pull into the vacant space next to mine in the car park because I was taking too long to put my coat on (and close the back door of the car as a consequence). Two elderly people in the car, faces screwed up with rage as they had to wait -ooooh, it must have been 15 seconds ...

Subject: RE: BS: The Christmas commandments
From: Sandra in Sydney
Date: 25 Dec 12 - 06:06 AM

refresh

Subject: F-ing
From: Mysha
Date: 25 Dec 12 - 06:49 AM

Hi,

Festive, Faith, Fantastic, Fragrant, Friendly, Fond, Feasting, Family, Fabulous, Fair, Fair, Fruit, Felicitous, Ferris wheel, Fellowship.

                                                                  Mysha

Subject: RE: BS: The Christmas commandments
From: GUEST,Patsy
Date: 26 Dec 12 - 03:34 AM

Thou shalt not disrupt the telly programs that had been carefully selected and marked off beforehand in the tv guide.

Subject: RE: BS: The Christmas commandments
From: wysiwyg
Date: 26 Dec 12 - 06:12 AM

It "preaches"!

~S~

Subject: RE: BS: The Christmas commandments
From: GUEST,Eliza
Date: 26 Dec 12 - 07:13 AM

Unless, Patsy, they shalt turn out to be the utterest crap and not that which one hath desirest.