BS: Advice needed

Subject: BS: Advice needed
From: Claire M
Date: 22 Jan 13 - 04:27 PM

Hiya,

I've a folkie friend -- getting to be more than that --who I'm seeing Steeleye with soon. He's head-injured. I've been warned away from him because it can make him violent but he's helped with things I can't do for myself & vice-versa (he can't speak that well so I translate), cheered me up & calmed me down when somebody was shouting because I'm afraid of sudden noise., & our faces light up when we see each other. He's reassured me he'll be OK with me but I was warned off socialising with somebody else for similar reasons & the warnings were justified.

Subject: RE: BS: Advice needed
From: Bill D
Date: 22 Jan 13 - 04:47 PM

advice? Just be careful... but a good friend is a treasure.

Subject: RE: BS: Advice needed
From: GUEST,Eliza
Date: 22 Jan 13 - 04:53 PM

Claire, it depends on who warned you and on what grounds. It sounds as if you enjoy eachother's company and get pleasure from the friendship. Just bear in mind the warnings and be on the lookout for anything not acceptable. Whatever you do, don't try and continue with the relationship if things become dodgy. You mustn't put yourself at risk, but take care of yourself. I do hope this can be a source of happiness for you. Eliza x

Subject: RE: BS: Advice needed
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 22 Jan 13 - 05:22 PM

All anyone can say is tread carefully. He might be fine for most of the time..... or maybe even all of it.. but if he gets out of control and becomes violent with you ONCE!... that is the time to make a swift exit from the relationship. Often when a partner (male or female) has suffered violence from their other half, they stay with them because most of the time things are good and they have developed feelings for them( the most powerful of which is 'dependency')... but invariably they find out that the behaviours repeat and their life can become a misery. You may be fortunate.. who knows? Best wishes to you whatever :)

Subject: RE: BS: Advice needed
From: John MacKenzie
Date: 22 Jan 13 - 05:27 PM

Try to never be far from possible help if needed. Take it slowly and carefully, it could just work out.
Buy a "Rape/attack alarm" not against rape in particular, just to summon help should you need it. Which I hope you never do.

Subject: RE: BS: Advice needed
From: selby
Date: 22 Jan 13 - 05:44 PM

All I can say is trust your own judgment if it feels wrong get out if it feels right then stay in. A lot of good advice already but what is right for me is not right for you and visa versa. If you can work together and it works for both of you enjoy each others company.
Just don't get hurt in all its forms and look after yourself
Keith

Subject: RE: BS: Advice needed
From: wysiwyg
Date: 22 Jan 13 - 05:46 PM

Trust your gut and be prepared in case it's wrong.

~S~

Subject: RE: BS: Advice needed
From: Jack Campin
Date: 22 Jan 13 - 06:49 PM

Remember that a malfunctioning brain is not a licence to be an arsehole.

Lots of people with full-blown psychosis manage to be kind and considerate.

It's HIS responsibility to ensure that his brain syndrome doesn't hurt other people. That means complying with effective treatment protocols, avoiding situations that might spell trouble, and managing reactions in such a way that they don't cause harm.

Any attempt to dodge responsibility by saying "my condition did it, not me" is bullshit.

Subject: RE: BS: Advice needed
From: Elmore
Date: 23 Jan 13 - 10:02 AM

Sounds like a recipe for disaster to me, but I'm old and cynical. I wish you well.

Subject: RE: BS: Advice needed
From: artbrooks
Date: 23 Jan 13 - 11:33 AM

There is a lot going on with this right now. The US Dept. of Veterans Affairs is seeing an increasing number of patients with traumatic brain injury (the current term for the condition). This may be more than you need or want - it's a comprehensive training and guidance program for caregivers, and talks about what you can do to deal with it and help him along.

Subject: RE: BS: Advice needed
From: Mysha
Date: 23 Jan 13 - 12:42 PM

Hi,

Well, I'm looking from the other side of the fence, and maybe that's why I disagree with comments that suggest that if his condition would get out of control one day, that would have to mean he had not taken his responsibility. I even disagree that you should unconditionally get out of a relationship in such a case.


Instead, if the two of you want to a relation, on whatever level, then you're in that together. The two of you know about this - You yourself have experience from a previous situation; he must have some insight in his own condition; each of you knows how you react when your conditions are triggered - so talk about it together, to find out how well you two can handle this, together. Then each of you separately, sit down with a cup of coffee or tea, or whatever serves as a thinking ritual for you, and weight whether the result from your talks is acceptable for you.

And if it is for you both, yet some time future things change, either because you want to get closer than you thought about previously, or because things do get out of control, regardless of whether the two of you thought it might, you think and talk it through again, and each of you weigh the situation again.

There's no answer or rule beforehand that can replace communication, in any relation. Don't go in believing that there is, as that's the surest way to get hurt.

Bye
                                                                Mysha

Subject: RE: BS: Advice needed
From: Ed T
Date: 24 Jan 13 - 07:08 AM

Clair M,

I have no direct experience - but my perspective come from previous discussions with a friend who wrks with brin injured people.

You indicate that the person has a brain injury and you were advised that he could be violent.

Trusting your gut is good advice. But, I would suggest this be supplemented with knowledge.

My advice is to read up on the internet on brain injuries and potential impacts. Also,if you can find a chat site, there may be first hand information (and discussions you can join in on) from folks who are dealing with, or have, dealt with, similar people/situations.

Get as much information possible that will help you obtail skills to develop a meaningful relationship and also to identify problem signs, if and when they appear.

I suspect each injury is different and has a different impact. Also, the previous personality of the person injured may be a factor. But, people with brain injuries generally have reduced inhibitions, are confused with social norms, have difficulty with social situations and are poor at communicating and reading ommunications cues (that people give off during communication). Tendancy to act out agression can come from resulting frustration, but can be part of a persons nature.

If this person has been agressive (violent) with others, there is a liklihood that there may be situations in the future that this agresion is turned towards you. In addition for looking for cues, you should have a strategy to deal with that possibility. IMO, if the person becomes attached to you, there is a possibility ofn agression if you choose to break this attachment in the future. Something to consider.

Anyway, my perspective is to help you move forward with knowlede that may help. Hope it all goes well for you. Below is a site that I found, that could be a start:
Relationships after Brain Injury

Subject: RE: BS: Advice needed
From: kendall
Date: 24 Jan 13 - 07:40 AM

Old Maine saying: "If you KNOW the dog bites..."

Seek professional help. This is not the place. You could be in serious danger.

Subject: RE: BS: Advice needed
From: Ed T
Date: 24 Jan 13 - 10:30 AM

I would add to the maine statement above, a boxing one: "protect yourself at all times"

Subject: RE: BS: Advice needed
From: SINSULL
Date: 24 Jan 13 - 11:01 AM

Claire,
From your previous posts, you are living in an assisted living facility. What do the professionals there recommend? Any chance of including others on the trip in case things go south?

Subject: RE: BS: Advice needed
From: Claire M
Date: 24 Jan 13 - 01:25 PM

Hiya,

I always get on much better with people who most don't like – always have. It's just the others that don't seem to like him; everyone seems to live in their own world here . My mum says because there's all this talk of people like us living in our own places with care (we can't) then people in these facilities are becoming more disabled.

If there's something he says that I can't understand he signs it or points to it., or he'll put a song on his iPad & look at me. My parents are taking me & a carer who shares our taste is taking him – I've told him not to embarrass me in front of Maddy Prior. Our key workers have said it's fine & even encourage it. Since we met his talking & posture has improved & so has my anxiety. I just wish i'd found out we loved Steeleye earlier. I'm aware it could go wrong, but it won't put me off the band – liked them too long.

Subject: RE: BS: Advice needed
From: kendall
Date: 25 Jan 13 - 09:41 AM

If you know the dog bites...

Subject: RE: BS: Advice needed
From: GUEST,999
Date: 25 Jan 13 - 01:31 PM

Have a great time, Claire.

Subject: RE: BS: Advice needed
From: Claire M
Date: 26 Jan 13 - 09:40 AM

Hiya,

Thanks. When I say it could go wrong I mean it probably will. All these songs have done me a great service. I think they taught me that life isn't perfect.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Njs3UBRj4zY

Subject: RE: BS: Advice needed
From: ChanteyLass
Date: 26 Jan 13 - 03:28 PM

It's good to read that your parents will be with you and a carer with him. Have a wonderful time.

Subject: RE: BS: Advice needed
From: kendall
Date: 26 Jan 13 - 07:56 PM

I wish you well, and I do hope it works for you.

Love is rare, life is strange, nothing lasts and people change.

Subject: RE: BS: Advice needed
From: GUEST,Stim
Date: 27 Jan 13 - 01:48 AM

There is a lot of bad information about Brain Injury on the internet(as everywhere). Here is some very good, and useful information Traumatic Brain Injury Guide . It's easy to read, and not technical at all.

A couple very quick things you should know: the outbursts are basically a result of sensory overload. They are,more or less, panic attacks. Over time, and with understanding support, a person can learn to manage them. It takes time, and the TBI sufferer has to want to do it, and to believe that they can do it. It sounds like your guy wants to.

Subject: RE: BS: Advice needed
From: Mo the caller
Date: 27 Jan 13 - 10:32 AM

I'm not sure if the person who warned you was talking from knowledge of your friend, or from general knowledge or assumptions about brain injury.
Ask them for more information, if you trust their judgement.

It must be hard to find a person with the right knowledge to talk to, those who know most about him will be bound by confidentiality, or perhaps be thinking of things from his viewpoint not yours.

Enjoy the concert, I hope the friendship continues to help you both.