BS: Favourite Insult

Subject: RE: BS: Favourite Insult
From: Bert
Date: 22 Nov 99 - 03:58 PM

Mmmm, I've done that Garg

Subject: RE: BS: Favourite Insult
From: Melbert
Date: 22 Nov 99 - 02:31 PM

My wife reckons I don't deserve her.

I don't deserve piles either, but I've got them!

Subject: RE: BS: Favourite Insult
From: _garogyle
Date: 21 Nov 99 - 10:03 PM

You posted a thread to the MudCat and it only got one reply - your own.

Subject: RE: BS: Favourite Insult
From: Ted from Australia
Date: 21 Nov 99 - 08:44 AM

The last few verses of "The Bastard From The Bush" allegedly by Banjo Patterson (OZ Poet)

"YOU- LOW- POLLUTED- BASTARD" Snarled the Captain of The Push.
"Get back to where your sort belongs - that's somewhere in the bush.
And I hope heaps of misfortune soon tumbles down on you!
May some lousy harlot dose you 'till your bollocks turn sky blue!

May the pains of windy spasms through your heaving bowels dart,
May you shit your bloody trousers each time you try to fart
May to take a swig of gin's piss , mistaking it for beer,
May the next Push you impose on heave you out upon your ear!

May itching piles torment you, may corns grow on your feet.
May crabs as big as spiders attack your balls a treat.
And when you're down and outed to a hopeless f**king wreck;
May you slip back through your arsehole and break your f**king neck!"

Subject: RE: BS: Favourite Insult
From: Trev
Date: 21 Nov 99 - 05:12 AM

How about the bloke at the checkout unloading a frozen dinner for one, a quarter of cheese, a small can of toms, one baking spud, two bananas, a small frozen pizza and a pack of two lamb chops. Checkout operator: 'On your own then?' Customer (with heavy sarcasm): 'Oh, how did you work that out then?' Checkout operator: 'Cos you're bleeding ugly.'

Subject: RE: BS: Favourite Insult
From: Owlkat
Date: 21 Nov 99 - 04:53 AM

Dumb shots: He/she's not the sharpest knife in the drawer ...not the brightest crayon in the box Quick like stump, sharp like bowling ball

Heckle returns: Hey, I don't go to where you work and kick the broom out of your hand.

Stand against that wall, it's plastered too.

Subject: RE: BS: Favourite Insult
From:
Date: 20 Nov 99 - 01:17 PM

'Face like a well-skelped arse'

' short arms, deep pockets '

look someone up and down & mutter'There is no God!'

and my personal favourite (with feeling)..... 'Knob!'

Subject: RE: BS: Favourite Insult
From: stonejohn
Date: 19 Nov 99 - 12:30 PM

What my wife-to-be said to me that convinced me she was THE ONE. "Is that your face or did your ass grow teeth?"

Subject: RE: BS: Favourite Insult
From: Noel P.
Date: 19 Nov 99 - 11:33 AM

"Was your mother married?"

Subject: RE: BS: Favourite Insult
From: Pedders
Date: 19 Nov 99 - 09:22 AM

A face like a bag of hammers

To a spotty person... A face like moon base alpha A face like a pound of mince

To an ugly woman You're a real double-bagger aren't you?

As thick as a whale omelette (Blackadder)

A face like a bulldog chewing a wasp

A face like a bulldog licking piss off a nettle

To a miser... You're as tight as a crabs arse at 50 fathoms He wouldn't give you the steam off his shit

Not an insult but used to describe an extremely difficult task... Like trying to shove two pounds of butter up a tom tits arse with a red hot hat-pin

(you can substitute any tiny garden bird for tom tit)

Subject: RE: BS: Favourite Insult
From: Jack (Who is called Jack)
Date: 19 Nov 99 - 08:36 AM

I bet Will Rogers never met you.

Subject: RE: BS: Favourite Insult
From: kendall
Date: 18 Nov 99 - 09:33 PM

there is something wrong with this clunker..it sends post twice and I'm not doing it!!

Subject: RE: BS: Favourite Insult
From: Stiofáin
Date: 18 Nov 99 - 03:21 AM

Ye're a green piece of shit on a camel's hoof.

Subject: RE: BS: Favourite Insult
From: Bert
Date: 17 Nov 99 - 06:38 PM

You said that before!

Subject: RE: BS: Favourite Insult
From: kendall
Date: 17 Nov 99 - 06:04 PM

shut your festering gob you putrid pile of parrot droppings..your kind make me puke. (Monty Python)

Subject: RE: BS: Favourite Insult
From: kendall
Date: 17 Nov 99 - 02:46 PM

shut your festering gob you putrid pile of parrot droppings..your kind make me puke. (Monty Python)

Subject: RE: BS: Favourite Insult
From: Callie
Date: 17 Nov 99 - 03:13 AM

"You're as dumb as a box of hair" and "I'll try to be nicer if you try to be smarter"

Subject: RE: BS: Favourite Insult
From: URSA
Date: 16 Nov 99 - 02:24 PM

I once asked a jerk if he recalled his first blow job, and when he got all dreamy eyed remembering, I asked him if he remembered how it tasted!!

Subject: RE: BS: Favourite Insult
From: Bert
Date: 16 Nov 99 - 10:58 AM

What was that again Art? I didn't quite hear you?;-)

Subject: RE: BS: Favourite Insult
From: Art Thieme
Date: 15 Nov 99 - 07:02 PM

Subject: RE: BS: Favourite Insult
From: Liz the Squeak
Date: 15 Nov 99 - 08:40 AM

For a heckler -

When God put teeth in yer gob, he ruined a bloody good arsehole...

and on the same lines -

Do you go to dentist or a proctologist with a gob like that??

Frankie, if I promise not to wear the silver jewellery, do you want to come and get your chocolate???!

LTS

Subject: RE: BS: Favourite Insult
From: Miguel
Date: 15 Nov 99 - 02:08 AM

Hey needle-knob! I bet the last time you did it with your Dad he didn't enjoy it!

Subject: RE: BS: Favourite Insult
From: Brendy
Date: 15 Nov 99 - 01:09 AM

To a real pain in the ass that wouldn't give me a minute's peace at a gig on Friday night. "If your body is as big as your mouth be jasus I've no chance"

Breandán.

Subject: RE: BS: Favourite Insult
From: Caitrin
Date: 14 Nov 99 - 05:03 PM

ANother simple, yet effective one: May your tribe decrease.

Subject: RE: BS: Favourite Insult
From: LaToya McCoy
Date: 14 Nov 99 - 07:58 AM

As a native Arkansan, I find myself saying this a lot: "It's soooo sad when cousins marry....."

Subject: RE: BS: Favourite Insult
From: Kira
Date: 14 Nov 99 - 04:21 AM

To use on flashers or in other appropriate context:

"Hung like a Tic-Tac, I see."

Subject: RE: BS: Favourite Insult
From: Pelrad
Date: 13 Nov 99 - 02:47 PM

You are perfectly adequate.

Subject: RE: BS: Favourite Insult
From: Liz the Squeak
Date: 13 Nov 99 - 02:13 PM

Frankie,Frankie, Frankie - you do know how to turn a girl's head don't you!!

And how do you know I'm not needy.....?

LTS

Subject: RE: BS: Favourite Insult
From: Frankie
Date: 13 Nov 99 - 09:52 AM

He'so dense light bends around him.

Where other people have a brain, he's got resonance.

Hard to belive he beat out a million other sperm.

Did you hear about the hurricane that hit New Jersey. It did 11 million dollars worth of improvements.

The reason New Yorkers are so depressed is that New Jersey is the light at the end of the tunnel.

LTS-Crossroads on a full moon not a good idea as I become quite hirsute under those conditions (also prone to howling and sporting a long jagged over bite) and tend to go berserk at the sight of a pretty girl bearing chocolate (no beavers under my bed). The rest of the month I'm pretty lightly-haired. We could meet at [e-mail] and make arrangements. BTW,I'm not really obsessed with chocolate, more with the challenge of obtaining some of your chocolate since your friend Micca explained that you are extremely loathe to part with it. Any thing you send me wil be distributed among the needy. (snigger, snigger).

Regards, Frankie

Subject: RE: BS: Favourite Insult
From: Peter T.
Date: 13 Nov 99 - 09:43 AM

From a Spanish novel I read years ago, can't remember anything else about it, but I scribbled this down, and have carried it around (could be Machado):
When I look at you, my soul remembers cold bitter nights without women, it remembers standing outside happy bars with no money in my pockets, wandering heartsick in cities far from my home, the first time I was betrayed by a friend, the day I lost my first job, and the only time I saw my father in tears. When I listen to you speak, I hear the wind of death in the desert, the empty sound of a emptied wine bottle, and the silence after the good have all gone to heaven, and the evil have all gone to hell. When I think about you, I wonder what God was thinking when he made you, and it undermines my faith in his goodness, and threatens my deep belief in a universe of love.
I keep meaning to memorize it, but I have it on a 3X5 card. I know I will regret not having it in my head one day! yours, Peter T.

Subject: RE: BS: Favourite Insult
From: Melbert
Date: 13 Nov 99 - 09:24 AM

To a bearded man smoking a cigar - "Your head looks like Lassie having a c**p"

Subject: RE: BS: Favourite Insult
From: Terry Allan Hall
Date: 13 Nov 99 - 08:40 AM

"Did your mom ever get her rabies shot renewed?"

Subject: RE: BS: Favourite Insult
From: dwditty
Date: 13 Nov 99 - 06:33 AM

She's very nice - a great personality. And she'd even give you the hair off her back.

Subject: RE: BS: Favourite Insult
From:
Date: 13 Nov 99 - 05:46 AM

First one from a style of repartee that was known as "college wit and humor"

He: Do you think you can learn to like me?
She: Well, I learned to like Limburger cheese.

Next some old yiddish insults:

You should grow like a garlic with your head in the earth. (In yiddish the phrase "in the earth" also means "in hell")

You sould live like a lamp, hanging by day and burning by night.

You should lose all your teeth except one which shall remain for a toothache.

Murray

Subject: RE: BS: Favourite Insult
From: Lonesome EJ
Date: 13 Nov 99 - 12:12 AM

" I've seen better hair in the drain of a public shower!" Giz LEJ's daughter(a test of people's patience)

Subject: RE: BS: Favourite Insult
From: Mikal
Date: 12 Nov 99 - 11:57 PM

Overherard at the bar last night:

Darwin was wrong...You're an invertabrate!

It kind of reminded me of the description my mother had of a salesman she met: "Imagine an oyster that never learned to make a shell..."

Mikal

Subject: RE: BS: Favourite Insult
From: Caitrin
Date: 12 Nov 99 - 10:45 PM

(s)he looks like (s)he fell from the ugly tree and hit every branch coming down.

APparently you were hit with the ugly stick AND the idiot rod.

Subject: RE: BS: Favourite Insult
From: manylodges
Date: 12 Nov 99 - 10:22 PM

If I can stop the tears from my eyes after jonathans fuckup fairy visit. here is a few:

when you were born your mother said "what a treasure" and your dad said "ya, let's burry it before it grows"

you weren't born, your test tube cracked and you came up with the fumes.

a crow shit you on a fence post and the sun hatched you out.

you have a beautiful set of tooth.

your so ugly you have to sneek up on a glass of water.

some one spit in the corner and you grew with the bacteria.

your so skinny you have to run around in a shower to get wet.

you weren't hit the ugly stick, you were beat with the whole damb tree.

Subject: RE: BS: Favourite Insult
From: Pete Peterson
Date: 12 Nov 99 - 08:14 PM

Slight thread creep: I am enamoured of recommendations that don't QUITE mean what they say, of which my all time champion is
I cannot recommend this person too highly

Subject: RE: BS: Favourite Insult
From: Hoserooni
Date: 12 Nov 99 - 08:06 PM

She-bitch of a goat's gizzard

May all your teeth fall out but one -- so that you may still get a tooth ache

You drive a car like old people sc*ew

Subject: RE: BS: Favourite Insult
From:
Date: 12 Nov 99 - 08:03 PM

Broken down snout of a camel's hump

Subject: RE: BS: Favourite Insult
From: catspaw49
Date: 12 Nov 99 - 06:26 PM

Its OK Bert...Everyone knows when you're aroused your genitals resemble a melting popsicle flanked by two jelly beans.

Spaw

Subject: RE: BS: Favourite Insult
From: Melbert
Date: 12 Nov 99 - 05:56 PM

To a man (or, I guess, woman) with a beard / moustache: "I prefer not to cultivate that which grows wild around my backside".

Subject: RE: BS: Favourite Insult
From: Liz the Squeak
Date: 12 Nov 99 - 05:33 PM

I don't know, does Cats play the melodeon for a Belgian band?? See, not only a Marty Feldman looker, mad as a bottle of light bulbs, but Belgian as well!

(OK, nothing against Belgians, it's just that I never met a sane one yet).

LTS

Subject: RE: BS: Favourite Insult
From: Bert
Date: 12 Nov 99 - 04:02 PM

He is so far up the wall he could be a light fitting.... Nice one 'squeak. That wouldn't have been CatsP you were talking about, would it?

Subject: RE: BS: Favourite Insult
From: Liz the Squeak
Date: 12 Nov 99 - 03:55 PM

One we invented last night (at a very serious concert I may add....) Describing the melodeon player who bore more than a passing resemblence to Marty Feldman -

He is so far up the wall he could be a light fitting....

Did you have to train to be so ugly, or does it come naturally?

Have you finished kissing me? The dog wants its tongue back.

When you learnt to kiss, did the dog ever complain??

He kisses like a puppy sucking at a bitch's tit.

LTS

Subject: RE: BS: Favourite Insult
From: Jonathan
Date: 12 Nov 99 - 03:18 PM

Some friends of mine have a few good zingers on buttons they wear, like:

Well, did the fuckup fairy visit us again?

I'm bisexual and I'm not attracted to you.

etc.

Jonathan

Subject: RE: BS: Favourite Insult
From: Bert
Date: 12 Nov 99 - 03:16 PM

You said you wouldn't look!

Subject: RE: BS: Favourite Insult
From: catspaw49
Date: 12 Nov 99 - 02:52 PM

Welcome darlene...its OK, we're kinda a whacked out bunch. But there is lots of good music and fun to be found here........except for Bert who thinks he has the balls to come after me!!! He DOES have balls...One's the size of a pea and the other's real tiny.(:+))

Spaw

Subject: RE: BS: Favourite Insult
From: hummybird
Date: 12 Nov 99 - 02:43 PM

insults: 1. When a guy uses the famous pick-up line, "Where have you been all my life?" The female comeback, "The first half I wasn't even born" 2. "Somewhere a village is missing an idiot"