Mudcat Christmas Tavern 2013

Subject: Mudcat Christmas Tavern 2013
From: Rapparee
Date: 23 Dec 13 - 08:28 PM

Bull feces, he said to himself as he kicked in the door of the old, shabby building. I ain't labeling this. I don't like labeling. Let the elves sort it out.

Inside the dust was at least a foot deep and a sad tree stood in a pile of its own needles. The only sound was that of tentacles slapping against a pool of lime jello.

Gotta dust this place, he thought, and suiting the action to the thought he called upon his trumpeting skills and blew. Hard. The dust swirled around in one cyclonic, choking cloud and vanished through the hole in the roof. So did the pine needles, leaving only the skeleton of the tree.

This he lit on fire and in a WHOOSH it was transformed into a pile of ash. This too he blew away.

Using his rapier against flint to strike a light, he lit the logs in the fireplace. Instantly the place became more homelike, warm and friendly. He looked around.

All of the doors were in good repair, even the one he'd kicked in. Phoenix-like, a fresh, green tree gave off the scent of pine or spruce or cedar or fir or something.

Now, he said to himself, if only the barkeep was in.

Subject: RE: Mudcat Christmas Tavern 2013
From: Severn
Date: 23 Dec 13 - 10:47 PM

In comes the alligator through the alley gate with his traditional load of goodies from Cajun chef Michael Rodeboadicheaux and takes up his usual place tending bar.....

Bats hang from the rafters, praying to their Goddess and the Bat Master's Son. The alligator puts out a bowl of Louisville Slugs for the bats.....

The Jello is not lime this year, it's mint. Out mint spies searched all over until they found some. It seemed more seasonal than a lime pit. The Squid is bemoaning the fact that neither Liz The Squeak nor Nurse Ratched have returned his Christmas cards, leaving him ten lonely empty arms......

A duck wanders about at a random waddle......

Severn comes in, orders a Hanson's Diet Black Cherry Soda and asks raparee what we'll be using for orniments this year.....

Subject: RE: Mudcat Christmas Tavern 2013
From: My guru always said
Date: 24 Dec 13 - 02:50 AM

Sidling in through the kitchen door the Black MadCat with the magic paws leaps up onto the bar and proceeds to wash the alligators face in a happy reunion. Taking time out, she asks 'do you have any Baileys under that counter? With a little cream perhaps?

Settling down with the saucer, she keeps a wary eye on all the entrances to the bar to see who's next to turn up.....

Subject: RE: Mudcat Christmas Tavern 2013
From: Leadfingers
Date: 24 Dec 13 - 04:39 AM

And right when you thought it was safe , in comes a banjo player !

Subject: RE: Mudcat Christmas Tavern 2013
From: GUEST,Raggytash
Date: 24 Dec 13 - 04:54 AM

carrying a bodhran

Subject: RE: Mudcat Christmas Tavern 2013
From: Leadfingers
Date: 24 Dec 13 - 05:14 AM

?? And an accordian ??

Subject: RE: Mudcat Christmas Tavern 2013
From: Sandra in Sydney
Date: 24 Dec 13 - 05:54 AM

& a shaky egg

Subject: RE: Mudcat Christmas Tavern 2013
From: freda underhill
Date: 24 Dec 13 - 07:23 AM

Hi guys, it's great to see you all. Thinking of those that aren't here this year, but happy to honour them with a visit to the Tavern. and hello to my overseas friends, thinking of you all, and sending best Aussie wishes.

Luckily, after an extremely hot start to the week, it's cooling down. Tentacles, alligator, bats, a shaky egg, I feel at home...

Sang jingle bells to my grandson in Austria today, but here listening to cicadas singing in the Australian bush ... Though I live in inner Sydney, they are singing in the gum tree in my back yard.

watch out cicadas, those tentacles are sticky!!

freda

Subject: RE: Mudcat Christmas Tavern 2013
From: GUEST,Raggytash
Date: 24 Dec 13 - 07:56 AM

I'm the roadie cried the Banjo player, the musicians will be along shortly.

He slumped into a chair by a small table, his shoulders heaving. Tears began to fall from his tired old weather worn eyes. He sobbed gently. The pain was etched onto his beaten face ......

Subject: RE: Mudcat Christmas Tavern 2013
From: Leadfingers
Date: 24 Dec 13 - 08:27 AM

I resemble that remark !!!

Subject: RE: Mudcat Christmas Tavern 2013
From: Severn
Date: 24 Dec 13 - 08:44 AM

Some already drunken revelers are starting to file through the door, not noticing that it was already unlocked. Sheepishly chagrinning, they refile their rasps back in their pockets......

A call comes in from The Hairy Simian Chorale to tell us they can't come back and reprise "The Little Drummer Boy" this year, but will send the Benedictine Chip Monks to act as our designated Yule Gibbons if we're willing to take the chants. I hope Chongo gets along with these guys.....

The alligator is stuck with both the bar and the kitchen until Mmario shows up, hopefully with some supplies, as stocks are low in quite a few items. It's the gator's misfortune to have his first customer order the special Christmas Burger and he's already had to improvise by substituting ground Oryx for the usual Auroch. On finding no decent fromage, he's sings "a little lard Cheese-Wiz laid down as cheese spread" to himself and thanks his lucky stars that this particular dish is billed as "the chef's secret recipe" "If Mmario doesn't get here soon, we're going to have a reptile dysfunctional here REAL soon before too many questioned .............

The only ornament they've found yet is one for the top of the tree with a picture of Joseph on it, so we'll have to settle for the Co-Star Of Bethlehem, nor quite the leading light we've come to expect. Where are the rest of them, or what can we use? The candy canes from past years look like can-decayings. And where are the lights?........

Subject: RE: Mudcat Christmas Tavern 2013
From: Rapparee
Date: 24 Dec 13 - 08:46 AM

Quit crying, he says, you'll get free drinks and at Christmas we hardly ever beat up banjo players, at least not very badly.

Hey, did you know that a banjo can also be used as a 'rhan? Here, I'll show you. Notice the subtle way I use an ax for a tippet.

Subject: RE: Mudcat Christmas Tavern 2013
From: Rapparee
Date: 24 Dec 13 - 09:11 AM

Tree lights, gotta have s'tree lights that blink a bright red and green...why? There are other colors. Puce, beige, sand, tan, those are all nice colors. AND there are colors in the infrared and ultraviolet that we can't see. We need colors that are acceptable to everyone.

Hmmm...light battleship gray, light brown, off-white. Yeah. What do I have in my bag of tricks...?

Subject: RE: Mudcat Christmas Tavern 2013
From: Rapparee
Date: 24 Dec 13 - 09:14 AM

Darn, no lights. Just my cello. The one I brought for old dude. The green one -- my lime cello.

Subject: RE: Mudcat Christmas Tavern 2013
From: SINSULL
Date: 24 Dec 13 - 10:09 AM

Mint Jell-O is disgusting. Banjo players are, however, sexier. Dry your tears, Dear, and pluck out a tune!
Has anyone checked the Ladies for Liz?

Subject: RE: Mudcat Christmas Tavern 2013
From: Peter the Squeezer
Date: 24 Dec 13 - 10:28 AM

Happy Christmas to all 'catters everywhere!

I'm just off to play (pipe organ) for a Christingle service at St Botolph's Church, Shepshed, UK.

Then I might (Mind you, said I might (quote from Tom Lehrer)) go to a REAL tavern.

May the infant Christ bring you all light, joy and peace.

Happy Christmas

Peter

Subject: RE: Mudcat Christmas Tavern 2013
From: GUEST,Swartze Piet
Date: 24 Dec 13 - 12:20 PM

I am here, for many of you have been very naughty indeed. I have a list. Ladies, line up to the right and gentlemen to the left!

Subject: RE: Mudcat Christmas Tavern 2013
From: Richard Mellish
Date: 24 Dec 13 - 04:36 PM

> Ladies, line up to the right and gentlemen to the left! <
Does that mean the rest of us are excused?

Subject: RE: Mudcat Christmas Tavern 2013
From: Rapparee
Date: 24 Dec 13 - 06:20 PM

I think it means "Men, Women, Other, None" as a check-off box for sex on a form I once filled out said.

Black Pete is Saint Nicholas' helper -- I know this from my childhood (really!). He takes care of the "naughty" children for St. Nick.

Subject: RE: Mudcat Christmas Tavern 2013
From: MMario
Date: 24 Dec 13 - 06:58 PM

Just popping in with a supply run for the kitchen. I just came from 1842 and shortly have to head out to lector & usher at a Christmas service.

In deference to the bartender the Nile Crocodile is off the menu, however. Paper Nautilus on the half shell will be substituted.

Wassail!

Subject: RE: Mudcat Christmas Tavern 2013
From: Leadfingers
Date: 24 Dec 13 - 07:04 PM

Its now officially Christmas in UK - Have a Good One

Subject: RE: Mudcat Christmas Tavern 2013
From: Rapparee
Date: 24 Dec 13 - 07:29 PM

The place needs livening up. I was at a concert a couple nights ago of "Herman's Hermits with Peter Noone" and they did a Sex Pistols version of "Jingle Bells."

I wonder how Black Sabbath or Kiss or Judas Priest or Guns 'n Roses would do, say, "Jolly Old St. Nicholas"...have to think about that.

Subject: RE: Mudcat Christmas Tavern 2013
From: Rapparee
Date: 24 Dec 13 - 08:44 PM

On bagpipes, balalaika, bass, and bassoon. In the key of B, naturally.

Subject: RE: Mudcat Christmas Tavern 2013
From: Severn
Date: 25 Dec 13 - 01:28 AM

Unfortunately, instead we are being entertained by the 13thPrecinct Patrolman's Chorale singing "Police Navidad", "Arrest Ye Merry Gentlemen" "Copper Bells" "Go Tell It To The Mounties" and all their other hits with their usual attempt at conviction to what they hope is a captive audience ......

The Squid is busy lining up a dozen or so instruments to play simultaneously with his ten ticklers as the next act. In the rafters, The Five Blind Bats From Alabama practice their harmonies or search for their sunglasses.....

Subject: RE: Mudcat Christmas Tavern 2013
From: Harmonium Hero
Date: 25 Dec 13 - 01:31 PM

Just then, a bunch of Brit Folk shambled in through the door - identifiable as Brits, of course, from the shortness of stature - and breath - the pot bellies and beards and the tankards suspended from their belts, and each carrying either a banjo, a bodhran or a shaky egg. They headed for the bar, and one of them ordered six pints of Newcastle Brown and, turning to his mate, added "what's yours, Dave?" "sorry" says the barman; "we're waiting for supplies; there's only Brandy". "Ee, this is a rum do" said Dave's ate/ "No, I said Brandy" says the barman. 'No, it's just a British expression", said another Brit. "You Yanks wouldn't get it". *Say, who's language is this anyway?" growled the barman. "Who's language is this, anyway", the Brits chorused obligingly, sniggering amongst themselves. "You're just turning this into one of your pantomimes",says another. At which, the Brits dissolved into a fit of hysterics, and were unable to make the traditional response.

Subject: RE: Mudcat Christmas Tavern 2013
From: Harmonium Hero
Date: 25 Dec 13 - 01:41 PM

I'm doing this on a laptop. I asked it to review the post (as my experience of laptops is that they don't do what I tell them) and it posted the message complete with the typos I would have corrected. Notably: 'Dave's ate/' should have read 'Dave's mate'. I won't even bother with the missing punctuation marks. I HATE laptops.
John Kelly.

Subject: RE: Mudcat Christmas Tavern 2013
From: Tattie Bogle
Date: 25 Dec 13 - 02:11 PM

And the bodhranistas are trying manfully and even womanfully to play Little Drummer Boy but as they have forgotten THE LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONNNNGGG NOTES, they have done the chiropodist's thing of bucking up your feet again. And as for the Virgin Mary and her baby boy, he's got the hiccups with all that syncopation. The banjo players are duelling and the accordions are doing IECs - incredibly esoteric chords unknown to onybuddy 'cept themselves, And the Brits are all falling doon laughing at "Oh yes I am" v "Oh no you're not" and who even DARE "look beHIND YOOOOOO!"? While the wassailers are all drinking up de zyder, and the Buckie-heids are legless as usual.

Subject: RE: Mudcat Christmas Tavern 2013
From: Severn
Date: 25 Dec 13 - 07:18 PM

Seeing all the assembled 'hran players on stage, the band strikes up "Wipeout" and all percussive hell breaks loose......Anyone. for "Toad"?


Liz finally emerges from the loo and immediately grabbed in a fond embrace by the Squid.....

Subject: RE: Mudcat Christmas Tavern 2013
From: Rapparee
Date: 25 Dec 13 - 08:52 PM

Meanwhile, a certain gentleman is resting quite merry, tying various rockets around the base of the tree while singing quietly to himself, "...the rockets' red glare, their bums bursting from air..." while also accompanying himself on the bones.

Over in the corner a gutbucket is being plucked and the strains of "Out In the Outhouse, Quick Quick Quick" drift across the room.

Subject: RE: Mudcat Christmas Tavern 2013
From: Amos
Date: 25 Dec 13 - 10:01 PM

Here's a ten-gallon cask of fresh mimosas made with the finest French bubbly. It is rolled into the Tavern by a handsome, wind-burned stranger who had to unstrap it from the back fender of his '45 Indian motorcycle. He sets it up in the corner, plugs in a spile and a hose, and commences to gfill glasses left and right. The bubbles are intoxicating.

God bless you one and all, my fellow Catters. May you sing all the year long!

Subject: RE: Mudcat Christmas Tavern 2013
From: Rapparee
Date: 25 Dec 13 - 10:53 PM

He whispers to himself his credo, the words he lives by: "There is no problem so big or so complex that it cannot be solved by the correct use of high explosives."

Then he heads for the bar for a flagon of the auld.

Subject: RE: Mudcat Christmas Tavern 2013
From: Andrez
Date: 26 Dec 13 - 12:10 AM

Lo and behold an Angel descends and says: "Oi drinks are on the House"!

Cheers,

Andrez

Subject: RE: Mudcat Christmas Tavern 2013
From: GUEST,Raggytash
Date: 26 Dec 13 - 04:05 AM

That's strange says a man, we don't usually get bikers in here ...

Subject: RE: Mudcat Christmas Tavern 2013
From: SINSULL
Date: 26 Dec 13 - 08:52 AM

You used the finest French bubbly for mimosas????? Oh the humanity!
And SINS slinks into a corner to mourn.

Subject: RE: Mudcat Christmas Tavern 2013
From: Rapparee
Date: 26 Dec 13 - 09:36 AM

Why wouldn't he? The soda water wasn't all that good. He's got the champagne hidden away for his own use later.

Subject: RE: Mudcat Christmas Tavern 2013
From: Severn
Date: 26 Dec 13 - 12:14 PM

And the band strikes up "The Bonny Lads From Biker Hell". (to the tune of "Elsie Marley")

Severn comes back from an unsuccessful wren hunt and starts looking for a local Wrent-A-Wren on line for Thursday's planned group fund raising activity to wrender assistance toward next year's bash. Some of the potential wren boys are practicing the Temptations' dance steps for "Ain't Too Proud To Beg" for going door-to-door with. Just remember, no Morris costumes aloud or we're liable to get shot on sight on site.....

Subject: RE: Mudcat Christmas Tavern 2013
From: Rapparee
Date: 27 Dec 13 - 09:43 AM

Less is Morris? Suppose they dance naked except for the hankies and bells? Then the audience could beat them with sticks.

Subject: RE: Mudcat Christmas Tavern 2013
From: Harmonium Hero
Date: 27 Dec 13 - 11:37 AM

Meanwhile, a row has broken out amongst the brits. It seems that one has eaten another's shaky egg, having, in his mimosas-fuelled befuddlement, mistaken it for a pickled egg. Not to worry; they'll be leaving soon, with their banjos, their bodhrans and their shaky legs. (shaky legs....see?).
John Kelly

Subject: RE: Mudcat Christmas Tavern 2013
From: Sandra in Sydney
Date: 27 Dec 13 - 07:42 PM

dancing in their wobbly boots

Subject: RE: Mudcat Christmas Tavern 2013
From: Tattie Bogle
Date: 27 Dec 13 - 08:35 PM

And all those who got ukuleles for Christmas will strike up in a myriad of keys, chords and untunedness with "When I'm cleaning windows" as they know that this and all the other cleaning has to be done before New Year. While those who extorted cajones from their loving relatives will be slapping away to a beat never heard in Peru - or anywhere else for that matter. The tequila will be flying! As will be those drinking it - except for the cajonistas who know a good seat when they get one!

Subject: RE: Mudcat Christmas Tavern 2013
From: Rapparee
Date: 27 Dec 13 - 10:06 PM

Softly, silently, he dilutes his whisky with his tears.

Subject: RE: Mudcat Christmas Tavern 2013
From: Rapparee
Date: 28 Dec 13 - 01:03 PM

For who would not, he thinks, weep over ukeleles? A duet for uke and banjo, a trio for accordion, banjo and uke...the endless possibilities drive a more copious flow of lachrymal fluid.

Subject: RE: Mudcat Christmas Tavern 2013
From: Tattie Bogle
Date: 28 Dec 13 - 01:12 PM

Enough to cause another break-out of jingling bells and troikas in efforts to stem the flow of lachrymae crocodilii?

Subject: RE: Mudcat Christmas Tavern 2013
From: Rapparee
Date: 28 Dec 13 - 10:44 PM

It's not "jingling bells." There's supposed to be an "a" in the last word of the phrase.

Subject: RE: Mudcat Christmas Tavern 2013
From: Severn
Date: 29 Dec 13 - 03:51 PM

Why has the amount of Uke-arists in our midst continued to increase exponentially, and not just among the Yooks? The back door to the left still empties out onto the beach, and there should be enough grass skirts and leis for all who need them......

Subject: RE: Mudcat Christmas Tavern 2013
From: Rapparee
Date: 29 Dec 13 - 08:50 PM

Gentlefolk do not get leied. At least, they do not discuss such things in public. And they certainly do not discuss smoking grass skirts!

Subject: RE: Mudcat Christmas Tavern 2013
From: Severn
Date: 30 Dec 13 - 04:17 PM

All those 2013 calendars sure make a roaring fire. If only we could recycle them back to trees again......(sigh!)

Someone is standing by the back door to the beach, handing out Sea & Ski and singing "O, Tanning Balm"......

Arguments spring up among the folkies over which tune to use for "Auld Lang Sine"


The shanteymen are still singing "Haul The Decks".....

The Squid is still hugging Liz, happy as a pet with a new squeaky toy.....

On the other side of the room, a white elephant party is going on to exchange unwanted gifts. As usual, anything from SINSULL gets no takers.....


The Squid finally lets Liz loose when she pleads having to use the loo. Now we may NEVER get her out of there........

Subject: RE: Mudcat Christmas Tavern 2013
From: Severn
Date: 31 Dec 13 - 12:10 PM

Was Liz born to loos? The line starts getting longer and the Squid taps ten tenticles (in rhythm) anxiously awaiting her return.....

Bats fly, a duck quacks, the black cat yowls, ten groups of drunken revelers compete with the scheduled entertainment, and listening to the three hens clucking, Severn realizes that he DOES understand some French after after all.....

Subject: RE: Mudcat Christmas Tavern 2013
From: Tattie Bogle
Date: 01 Jan 14 - 02:50 PM

Can we change the thread title to Batty New Year all?

Subject: RE: Mudcat Christmas Tavern 2013
From: Rapparee
Date: 01 Jan 14 - 10:31 PM

And arising from his drink, he strips himself stark naked and runs around yelling "Happy Nude Year"

The squid, shocked at such immodesty, retreats into the lime jello and blows bubbles.