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BS: First Joke Thread of 2014
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2014 From: Jim Carroll Date: 16 Sep 15 - 09:20 AM Lady doctor sitting in her surgery when a man walks in, unzips his fly and puts his penis on the desk saying, "What do you make of that, then"? She examines it carefully for about ten minutes and eventually says, "Sorry, I can't find anything wrong with it". "No", he said, "it's not bad, is it?", and walks out. Jim Carroll |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2014 From: Jim Carroll Date: 16 Sep 15 - 09:09 AM Two Welsh ladies, neighbours, having a conversation through the walls of their back-to-back lavertories at the bottom of their yards, while going about their respective businesses: "Nghhhhhh, is that you Mrs Evans?" "Nghhhhhh, yes it is Mrs Jones". "Nghhhhhh, how are you doing then?" "Nghhhhhh, fine, can't complain" "Nghhhhhh, how's Mr, Evans, still working?" "Nghhhhhh, yes, so far, touch wood". "Nghhhhhh, and that son of yours, Dai: haven't seen him round for a long time"? "Nghhhhhh, no, he moved to London when the pit closed". "Nghhhhhh, well, that'll be a big change for him then; what's he doin' down there?" "Nghhhhhh, He's become an actor, he's got a part as Hamlet in the National Theatre". "Nghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, ooooh, that's a hard part". Jim Carroll |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2014 From: MGM·Lion Date: 16 Sep 15 - 04:13 AM I just gave my cat Cleo her breakfast -- half a pack of Whiskas cat jelly with duck. "I'm only giving you half the pack this morning," I told her, "in case you put on too much weight. Last thing I want in the house is a duck-filled fatty-puss!" Just thought I'd share it, even if we are still for some reason on one of last year's threads. |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2014 From: Jim Carroll Date: 13 Sep 15 - 06:33 AM A West Indian man living in London is diagnosed with terminal cancer and decides to donate his organs for transplant on the understanding that he is told who is to get his heart - after much argument, the doctor agrees to give him the name of the most likely recipient. The man goes to the address and knocks at the door; it is opened by a huge, beer-gutted skinhead in a filthy tee-shirt emblazoned with The Union Jack, Swastikas tattoo down both arms and his forehead and studs protruding from his ears, nose and lips. "What the **** do you want?" "To tell you the truth, I've been told I am going to die shortly and I've decided to donate my organs for transplant - you are to get my heart". "Thank **** for that, I thought you were going to tell me you were coming to live next door!" Jim Carroll |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2014 From: Jim Carroll Date: 13 Sep 15 - 03:57 AM An apprentice engineer I worked with in Liverpool managed to scrape together enough money to take a week's holiday in a small town in North Wales - the only one he could afford. The town had nothing to offer - miles from anywhere, no cinema, no entertainment of any kind - after the first day he was bored out of his skull. As he walked down the town's single street, he spotted a blacksmith's shop and he walked in and watched the blacksmith at work, shoeing horses - he got chatting to the man and asked him how he went about his work. The blacksmith explained how it was done and said, "I'm going off for an hour; why don't you try it out for yourself while I'm away?", and brings out a hose awaiting shoeing. When he returns, he finds the horse lying flat on its back with its four legs in the air, sporting four brand-new shoes fitted to perfection. "Well", he says, "you've made a wonderful job of it; I don't think I could have done it better myself, but why is it lying there with its legs in the air?" "I don't know". replied the lad, "it's been like that since I took it out of the vice". Jim Carroll |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2014 From: MGM·Lion Date: 13 Sep 15 - 01:01 AM Why has one of last year's joke threads been refreshed, rather than a current one? ≈M≈ |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2014 From: Donuel Date: 12 Sep 15 - 11:47 PM Passengers on a Southwest jet are waiting for the flight to leave. They're getting a little impatient, Especially after TSA mistook cheese wrapped in tinfoil as C-4 but the airport staff assures them that the flight would depart shortly. After a few minutes of all the passengers jammed up in the jetway outside the door of the plane someone asked what the delay is now and were told by the stewardess that the routine maintenance they do for this particular plane at every stop was still waiting for more equipment but the good news is that everyone will be compensated with free shrimp and free beer. The elation of the passengers evaporated as 10 minutes turned into 20 minutes when finally a maintenance man came huffing and puffing down the jetway with the largest roll of duct tape imaginable cradled in both his arms and was taken inside the door of the plane by worming it in sideways. After about 5 minutes the worker came back out with a fairly small roll of the industrial duct tape and a nervous muttering among the passengers crammed in the aisle of the jetway now filling up with exhaust fumes. The passengers fell curiously silent as a tapping sound and barking dog could be heard toward the entrance to the jet way and two men dressed in pilot's uniforms walk up the aisle. Both are wearing dark glasses, one is using a seeing-eye dog, and the other is limping up the aisle with a cane. Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin but the men enter the cockpit, the door closes, and the engines start up. The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some sign that this is just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming. The plane moves faster and faster down the runway, and the people at the windows realize that they're headed straight for the water at the edge of the airport territory. As it begins to look as though the plane will plow into the water, panicked screams fill the cabin but at that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air. The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly, and soon they all retreat into their magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands. In the cockpit, the co-pilot turns to the pilot and says, "You know, Bob, one of these days, they're gonna scream too late, and we're all gonna die." " Easy Stu, not as long as we have daylight, now can ya pass me the last beer?" |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2014 From: Uncle_DaveO Date: 12 Sep 15 - 09:34 AM The Lawyer's Porsche A very successful attorney parked his brand new Porsche in front of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. But just as he started to get out, a truck came along too close and completely tore off the driver's door. Fortunately, a cop was close enough to see the accident and pulled up behind the Porsche with his lights flashing. But before the cop had a chance to ask any questions, the attorney started screaming hysterically about how his Porsche, which he had just purchased the day before, was completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter how any car body shop tried to make it new again. After the lawyer finally wound down from his rant, the cop shook his head in disbelief. "I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are," he said. "You are so focused on your possessions that you neglect the most important things in life." "How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer. The cop replied, "Don't you even realize that your left arm is missing? It was severed when the truck hit you!" "Oh, my God!!!" screamed the lawyer. "My Rolex!" |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2014 From: GUEST,DTM Date: 20 Dec 14 - 11:00 AM Then there was the chap who didn't pay the exorcist and was repossessed. |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2014 From: Uncle_DaveO Date: 20 Dec 14 - 09:23 AM The Three Wise Women (A seasonal re-run.) What would have happened if on the first Christmas, there had been three wise women instead of three wise men? They would have: asked for directions arrived on time helped deliver the baby cleaned the stable brought more practical gifts, and made a casserole. But women shouldn't necessarily gloat about these truths, since there are several other truths here. After they left, they'd be saying to each other: Did you see the sandals Mary was wearing with that gown? Did you see the drummer boy?! He can beat my drum anytime. That donkey they're riding has seen better days. I hear that Joseph isn't even working right now. Virgin? Hah! I knew her in school days! That baby doesn't look anything like Joseph. Wanna bet how long it will take to get your casserole dish back? |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2014 From: GUEST,Steve Shaw not dissing ancient jokes Date: 05 Dec 14 - 06:10 AM Man walks into a pub with a steering wheel sticking out of the front of his trousers. Barman says to him, "Hey, mate, you've got a steering wheel sticking out of the front of your trousers." Yeah, I know," he says, "It's driving me nuts." |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2014 From: MGM·Lion Date: 05 Dec 14 - 04:07 AM "So you say the prisoner was drunk?" "He was drunk as a judge." (From the Bench) "Surely you mean 'drunk as a lord'?" "Yes, My Lord." ≈M≈ |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2014 From: MGM·Lion Date: 01 Dec 14 - 06:53 AM Who goes Yodel : BoomBoom ????? Basel Brush |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2014 From: GUEST,DaveA Date: 16 Nov 14 - 08:28 PM In similar vein, Ray Charles was spotted in a music shop swinging his guide dog round his head by it's leash. When an attendant asked him what he was doing he replied "Just browsing". (remembered from a Billy Connolly concert too many years ago) |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2014 From: GUEST,Guest Date: 16 Nov 14 - 07:11 AM That reminds me of the one about the blind parachutist. When asked how he knew he was just about to land he said "the lead goes slack" |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2014 From: Ed T Date: 15 Nov 14 - 07:30 PM A blind man went bungee jumping. It scared the hell out of his dog. |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2014 From: Joe_F Date: 15 Nov 14 - 06:39 PM An old sailor standing by the sea was staring fixedly at a young man a little way off, who had his hair done up in peaks, each one a different color. Finally the young man yelled "What's the matter? Haven't you ever done anything wild in your life?" The sailor answered, "As a matter of fact, some years ago I got drunk and fucked a parrot. I was wondering if you might be my son." |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2014 From: Uncle_DaveO Date: 15 Nov 14 - 09:49 AM The Lie-Detecting Robot Fed up with never really knowing what's going on in his home, a father bought a lie detector robot that slaps you when you lie. He decided to test it out on his son at the dinner table. "Why were you late for dinner tonight?" he asked the teen. "I was at the library." The robot slapped the son. "OK! I was at a friend's house," the son admitted. The robot didn't move. "Doing what?" asked the father, happy to finally know what's up with his family. "Watching a movie. Toy Story." The robot slapped the son. "OK! OK! It was porn!" cried the son. "What?" the father yelled. "When I was your age I didn't know what porn was!" The robot slapped the father. The mother laughed and said, "Well, he certainly is your son!" The robot slapped the mother. |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2014 From: Uncle_DaveO Date: 08 Nov 14 - 10:32 AM Learning about The Tonsillectomy A family was on its way to the hospital, where the 16-year-old daughter was scheduled to undergo a tonsillectomy. She had never been in a hospital before, and was pretty nervous. During the ride, the teenager and her parents talked about how the procedure would be performed. "Mom?" the girl asked. "Yes, dear?" mom said gently. "Will it hurt much?" "You'll have a sore throat afterward," she says, "but they'll let you have all the refreshing ice cream you want, which will soothe it." "Dad?" the girl asked. "Yes, pumpkin?" the kindly father replied. "How are they going to keep my mouth open during the surgery?" Without hesitation, he said, "They're going to give you a phone." |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2014 From: GUEST,# Date: 07 Nov 14 - 02:55 PM There's one about the Bassett hound who had steel testicles. His nick name is Sparky. Good ones, Joe F. |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2014 From: Mrrzy Date: 07 Nov 14 - 02:43 PM I thought that was a basset hound. |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2014 From: MGM·Lion Date: 07 Nov 14 - 06:44 AM Did you know that a camel is a horse designed by a committee? ≈M≈ |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2014 From: Joe_F Date: 06 Nov 14 - 11:12 PM GUEST,#: That reminds me: I once read that park rangers at the Grand Canyon are fairly often asked "What tools did they use?". Some tourists, it turns out, have the idea that the canyon was *built* -- either by native Americans, for religious purposes, or during the New Deal, to reduce unemployment. (No question, it would have performed either function admirably.) Little Audrey was sitting on the davenport with her boyfriend when the lights suddenly went out. "Gee," he said, "It's so dark, I can't see my hand in front of my face." And little Audrey just laughed and laughed, because she knew his hand wasn't in front of his face. All cultures that fish, I have heard, have the story of the man who put a mark on the floor of the boat when he found a place where the fishing was good. And all cultures that have invented nails have the one about the carpenter who is throwing away half his nails because the heads are on the wrong end. (The boss tells him not to be a fool -- save them for the other side of the house.) |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2014 From: Mrrzy Date: 06 Nov 14 - 11:39 AM Ireland: the land of happy wars and sad love songs. |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2014 From: GUEST,# Date: 06 Nov 14 - 10:58 AM http://www.rinkworks.com/said/stupidity.shtml CLICK HERE FOR STUPIDITY They all look like they happened. |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2014 From: GUEST,gillymor Date: 05 Nov 14 - 07:10 AM An Irishman was trying to write a song but he couldn't get past the first two bars. What is Irish Alzheimer's disease? It's when you forget everything but the grudges. |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2014 From: Mrrzy Date: 05 Nov 14 - 01:00 AM Why do they call it PMS? Because mad cow disease was already taken. |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2014 From: GUEST,gillymor Date: 04 Nov 14 - 08:16 PM What is the circumference of a jack-o-lantern divided by its diameter? Pumpkin pi. What do you get when you cross PMS with GPS? A really cranky woman who knows how to find you. (Hey, my wife thought it was funny.) |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2014 From: Bainbo Date: 04 Nov 14 - 06:15 PM I've just discovered an overly ornate breakfast cereal. Rococo Pops. I once made some soft furnishings for Death himself, but he didn't like them. There were grim repercussions. |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2014 From: MGM·Lion Date: 04 Nov 14 - 02:17 PM They'd give him the cat before his execution... |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2014 From: wysiwyg Date: 04 Nov 14 - 02:13 PM What would happen if a condemned man's request for his last meal was...... Pussy? ~S~ |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2014 From: GUEST,DTM Date: 03 Nov 14 - 07:51 PM One Liners (No. 16's my favourite) 1. I hate Russian dolls, they're so full of themselves. 2. I asked my North Korean friend how it was there, he said he couldn't complain. 3. I was at an ATM and this old lady asked me to help check her balance, so I pushed her over. 4. I haven't talked to my wife in three weeks. I didn't want to interrupt her. 5. People used to laugh at me when I would say "I want to be a comedian", well nobody's laughing now. 6. My wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down. 7. My wife and I were happy for twenty years; then we met. 8. I haven't slept for three days, because that would be too long. 9. The first time I got a universal remote control, I thought to myself, "This changes everything." 10. My grandfather has the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from the local zoo. 11. Say what you want about deaf people ... 12. I've spent the past four years looking for my ex-girlfriend's killer, but no one will do it. 13. I saw a sign that said "watch for children" and I thought, "That sounds like a fair trade." 14. I refused to believe my road worker father was stealing from his job, but when I got home, all the signs were there. 15. I recently decided to sell my vacuum cleaner, all it was doing was gathering dust. 16. You can never lose a homing pigeon - if your homing pigeon doesn't come back, what you've lost is a pigeon. 17. Whiteboards are remarkable. |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2014 From: Uncle_DaveO Date: 01 Nov 14 - 01:19 PM The Condom Shelf A man walked into a drug store with his 8-year old son. They happened to walk by the condom display, and the boy asked, "What are these, Dad?" Dad, wanting to be an open, liberal, matter-of-fact father, replied, "Those are called condoms, son. Men use them to have safe sex." "Oh I see," replied the boy pensively. "Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school." He looked over the display and picked up a package of 3 and asked, "Why are there 3 in this package?" The dad replied, "Those are for high school boys: one for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday." "Cool!" says the boy. He noticed a 6 pack and asked, "Then who are these for?" "Those are for college men," the dad answered. "TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday, and TWO for Sunday." "WOW!" exclaimed the boy, looking on the shelf more closely to see if there are any other options. He saw it: "Then who uses THESE?" he asked, picking up a 12 pack. With a sigh, the dad replied, "Those are for married men. One for January, one for February, one for March...." |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2014 From: Uncle_DaveO Date: 13 Oct 14 - 08:42 AM "Married Employees" In a small town in the US, there is a rather sizable factory that hires only married men. Concerned about this, a local woman called on the manager and asked him, "Why is it you limit your employees to married men? Is it because you think us women are weak, dumb, cantankerous...or what?" "Not at all, Ma'am," the manager replied. "It is because our employees are used to obeying orders, are accustomed to being shoved around, know how to keep their mouths shut and don't pout when I yell at them." |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2014 From: GUEST,BlueJay Date: 13 Oct 14 - 04:51 AM I pulled off a good one where I work as an ER nurse, here in Colorado, the heart of the Denver Broncos country. Did you hear about the Denver Broncos being sold? Collectively, they answered, "No!" Yep. They sold it after last Sunday's game. They sold it to a pulmonologist. (ER doctor) Bastards! The first thing the new owner did was to rename the team. They're now the Denver Bronchioles! (Groans all around) This is an original joke, but I'm not sure if I should be proud or embarrased. But it was a magic moment! |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2014 From: Uncle_DaveO Date: 11 Oct 14 - 09:35 AM Cruise Ship Diary DAY ONE I am all packed and ready to get on the cruise ship. I've packed all my pretty dresses and make-up. I'm really excited. DAY TWO We spent the entire day at sea. It was beautiful and we saw some whales and dolphins. What a wonderful vacation this has started out to be. I met the Captain today and he seems like a very nice man. DAY THREE I spent some time in the pool today. I also did some shuffle boarding and hit some golf balls off the deck. The Captain invited me to join him at his table for dinner. I felt honored and we had a wonderful time. He is a very attractive and attentive gentleman. DAY FOUR Went to the ship's casino did OK ... won about $80. The Captain invited me to have dinner with him in his state room. We had a luxurious meal complete with caviar and champagne. He asked me to stay the night but I declined. I told him there was no way I could be unfaithful to my husband. DAY FIVE Went back to the pool today and got a little sunburned. I decided to go to the piano bar and spend the rest of the day inside. The Captain saw me and bought me a couple of drinks. He really is a charming gentleman. He again asked me to visit him for the night and again I declined. He told me that if I didn't let him have his way with me he would sink the ship. I was appalled. DAY SIX I saved 1600 lives today. Twice. |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2014 From: Joe_F Date: 28 Sep 14 - 07:59 PM An experimenter excitedly told Enrico Fermi that he had found macroscopic evidence that helium-3 nuclei follow Fermi-Dirac statistics. "Well", said Fermi, "if it's all right with Dirac, it's all right with me." |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2014 From: MGM·Lion Date: 28 Sep 14 - 07:43 AM "Stick em down!" "Don't you mean 'Stick em up'?" "So that's why I'm not making any money!" ≈M≈ |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2014 From: GUEST,ketchdana Date: 26 Sep 14 - 04:38 PM Good one! (Trading Places) I've heard many variations over the years (but not that one.): ... ran over a farmer's (A: chicken.) "... and I'd like to replace it." "Well, OK, (B: how many eggs do you consistently lay?")
A: cow. |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2014 From: GUEST,Guest from Sanity Date: 26 Sep 14 - 03:23 PM Well done, Uncle Dave!!! GfS |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2014 From: Uncle_DaveO Date: 25 Sep 14 - 05:00 PM "Trading Places" An attorney telephoned the governor just after midnight, insisting that he talk to him regarding a matter of utmost urgency. An aide eventually agreed to wake up the governor. "So, what is it?" grumbled the governor. "Judge Garber has just died" said the attorney, "and I want to take his place." The governor replied: "Well, it's okay with me if it's okay with the undertaker." |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2014 From: Uncle_DaveO Date: 24 Sep 14 - 08:55 AM "Playing Doctor" After discovering her young daughter playing doctor with the neighbor's boy, the angry mother grabbed the boy by the ear and dragged him to his house and confronted his mother. "It's only natural for young boys and girls to explore their sexuality by playing doctor at their age." the neighbor said. "Sexuality my foot!" The mother yelled. "He took out her appendix!" |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2014 From: Uncle_DaveO Date: 17 Sep 14 - 02:59 PM "Longevity" A fellow who's just reached his 150th birthday was giving a press conference to the assembled media. "Excuse me, sir," one of the reporters said, "but how did you come to live to 150?" "It's actually quite simple," the old fellow replied. "I just never argue." "That's impossible," the reporter responded. "There must be something else, like diet, or meditation, or something. Just not arguing won't keep you alive for 150 years!" The old fellow stared hard at the reporter for several seconds. "Hmmm," he finally shrugged, "maybe you're right." |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2014 From: GUEST,Owl Glass Date: 17 Sep 14 - 11:49 AM An Englishman, a Scotsman nd an Irishman were discussing their sons. The Englishman said, "My son was born on St Georges Day so we had to call him George." To which the Scotsman replied, "What a coincidence, my son was born on St Andrews Day so we called him Andrew." "Is that so now?" said the Irishman, "In that case you'll be wanting to hear about my boy, Pancake." |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2014 From: Mrrzy Date: 16 Sep 14 - 10:19 PM Right, BY my son, not MY my son. I did not invent my son. Thanks. |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2014 From: frogprince Date: 16 Sep 14 - 04:44 PM Mrrzy, after I looked at that again, I realized that you left out the word "by". But I must say that when I first read it I got a picture of a very odd situation. : ) |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2014 From: Mrrzy Date: 16 Sep 14 - 12:52 PM Just made up my my son who needs to be on a ladder so he asks his heaviest friend to come steady it so he (my son) doesn't fall off: Will you be my ladder spotter, so I don't become a lotter spatter? |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2014 From: Mrrzy Date: 06 Sep 14 - 11:14 AM (We did set off the fire alarm putting 90 candles on grandfather's cake once - also at the same party the bacon-wrapped brown-sugar-rolled broiled water chestnut appetizers never made it out of the kitchen, we just ate them all ourselves, and granny tried to show someone that her leg would just dislocate if she "did this" and dislocated her leg. Luckily her orthopod was a guest...) Anyway, the joke I heard on NPR was that any candidate who would require urine samples is just looking out for Number 1. |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2014 From: Uncle_DaveO Date: 05 Sep 14 - 09:05 AM You Know You're In Trouble When. . . ... Your accountant's letter of resignation is postmarked Zurich. ... You have to hitch hike to the bank to make your car payment. ... The Little League puts you on waivers. ... Your suggestion box starts ticking. ... Your secretary tells you the FBI is on line 1, the DA is on line 2, and CBS is on line 3. ... You see your stockbroker hitchhiking out of town. ... You see the captain running toward the railing, wearing a life jacket. ... They pay your wages out of petty cash. ... You make more than you ever made, owe more than you ever owed, and have less than you've ever had. ... You tell the barber what you think about his prices before you get your haircut. __ Getting there is half the fun and three-fourths of the vacation budget. ... The simple instructions enclosed aren't. ... A black cat crosses you path and drops dead. ... You take an assertiveness training course and you're afraid to tell your wife. ... You see your wife and your girlfriend having lunch together. ... The plumber floats by on your kitchen table. ... Your pacemaker has only a thirty-day guarantee. ... The candles on your cake set off your smoke alarm. ... The pest exterminator crawls under your house and never comes out. |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2014 From: Uncle_DaveO Date: 04 Sep 14 - 09:10 AM "Hi Honey!" Mother cat with several kittens was walking in the park when a handsome Tom cat walked by and said, "Hi, Honey." Mother cat said, "Don't you 'Honey' me! You said we were only fighting!" ----------- "Cat's Diary" DAY 752-My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another house plant. DAY 761-Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded. Must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair... must try this on their bed. DAY 762-Slept all day so that I could annoy my captors with sleep deprivation, incessant pleas for food at ungodly hours of the night. DAY 765-Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in an attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was. Hmmm. Must try this with their baby. . . |
