BS: It's truly over this time. Definitely.

Subject: It's truly over this time. Definitely.
From: Noreen
Date: 26 Mar 15 - 04:08 PM

Five years ago last December I started a thread called Singledom Beckons :0( when I was coming to terms with the end of a relationship and I had decided to leave.

I had much lovely support from friends here- but against my better judgement I was persuaded to stay.

Things came to a head the following Easter , as is detailed in that thread and I did leave, moving into a little rented property where I've been ever since.

But... once again, after months of nastinesss and verbal abuse by email ended, I stupidly (REALLY stupidly, looking back on it now) gave in to persuasion and we have been seeing each other regularly again since then, until last month when out of the blue, all the old nastiness came back, exactly like five years ago, and I now know for certain that this relationship is over, and I deserve better.

At least I know that there is nothing more I could have done, and that however much you love someone, you can't cure an insecure, jealous nature.

Easier to cope with than 5 years ago as I don't have to separate out belongings and find somewhere to live this time, just very sad that a 12 year relationship is suddenly gone.

I am very aware that some friends who were sympathetic on previous occasions when I said it was all over, will be thinking "yes but she'll go running back when he clicks his fingers- again" but I know I won't give in this time, and I have a support team on call if needed, in case my willpower weakens in the future.

Thank you for your sympathetic ear :)

Subject: RE: BS: It's truly over this time. Definitely.
From: maeve
Date: 26 Mar 15 - 04:37 PM

Noreen,

I'm glad you have a support team. You will need that as would anyone dealing with a similar issue.

Best encouragement to you,
Maeve

Subject: RE: BS: It's truly over this time. Definitely.
From: The Sandman
Date: 26 Mar 15 - 04:56 PM

Noreen, hope things work out well for you

Subject: RE: BS: It's truly over this time. Definitely.
From: Andrez
Date: 26 Mar 15 - 04:57 PM

Best wishes to you Noreen. I havent read the Singledom thread but as a social worker I do have a sense of the issues behind your experience. I sincerely hope you can stay safe, strong and are able to enjoy getting on with the things that are important to you in your own life.

If you arent too averse to having a person of the male persuasion on your support team, I'd like to join up too.

KInd regards and best wishes,

Andrez

Subject: RE: BS: It's truly over this time. Definitely.
From: gnu
Date: 26 Mar 15 - 05:59 PM

I hope you get through it well and soon. It's rough. Been there, done that. Onward and upward.

Subject: RE: BS: It's truly over this time. Definitely.
From: ChanteyLass
Date: 26 Mar 15 - 06:11 PM

First I'm sending hugs.

Second, I'm sending love.

Finally, I'm sending my hope that you will recover quickly from the relationship-gone-bad and begin to experience contentment with your singledom.

Subject: RE: BS: It's truly over this time. Definitely.
From: GUEST
Date: 26 Mar 15 - 06:22 PM

What gnu said.

Subject: RE: BS: It's truly over this time. Definitely.
From: Bonnie Shaljean
Date: 26 Mar 15 - 06:29 PM

Thinking of you, wishing you all the best. We're here for you -

B xx

Subject: RE: BS: It's truly over this time. Definitely.
From: Rapparee
Date: 26 Mar 15 - 06:36 PM

And if the nasty letters, etc. continue, go to the police. You're strong and you can do it...and you have the help of everyone here.

Subject: RE: BS: It's truly over this time. Definitely.
From: JennieG
Date: 27 Mar 15 - 01:05 AM

Noreen, best wishes as you move on with your new life, you have the strength to make it good life too.

Subject: RE: BS: It's truly over this time. Definitely.
From: Sandra in Sydney
Date: 27 Mar 15 - 01:38 AM

I'll second that.

Subject: RE: BS: It's truly over this time. Definitely.
From: GUEST,Noreen at work
Date: 27 Mar 15 - 04:53 AM

Thanks all for your kind thoughts.

Reading my OP through again I feel I've made myself sound like a victim, which I'm not.
I made a concious decision each time to continue working at the relationship, when it would have been easier and probably wiser to end it on numerous occasions.

There have of course been many lovely times over the years, and it's these times that I'm mourning for.

Some days I feel a weight has been taken off my shoulders and I have a Sinead O'Connor moment (..since you've been gone I can do whatever I want...) and it feels very exciting, then there's days like today when I'm full of cold and needing comfort.

All support very welcome, thank you Andrez.

Subject: RE: BS: It's truly over this time. Definitely.
From: Charmion
Date: 27 Mar 15 - 07:15 AM

What gnu said.

Since you recognize what a toxic effect this person can have on you, may I suggest establishing some barriers that both of you will find difficult to breach?

Change your phone number, for example, and your e-mail address, and DON'T TELL HIM. Ever.

If necessary, move again. Don't tell him where.

When I had to do it, I found that the Atlantic Ocean made a fairly effective barricade, but only after I also changed my home address, phone number and email coordinates. He hunted me down on Facebook and LinkedIn, but by then enough time had passed that my reaction was Oh God No.

Subject: RE: BS: It's truly over this time. Definitely.
From: Bonnie Shaljean
Date: 27 Mar 15 - 07:21 AM

> There have of course been many lovely times over the years, and it's these times that I'm mourning for.

Of course you are, and quite natural too. But after the memories have replayed, be sure to then think of the lovely times yet to come, experiences you'll only have because you opted for a new life; ones which could never have happened had you stayed mired in the bad old days. They'll come. Promise. ♡

Subject: RE: BS: It's truly over this time. Definitely.
From: GUEST
Date: 27 Mar 15 - 07:36 AM

Good luck, Noreen
Look to the future and don't live your life in the past (unless you are an archeologist)

Subject: RE: BS: It's truly over this time. Definitely.
From: Bat Goddess
Date: 27 Mar 15 - 08:47 AM

Sometimes it takes a second try to realize, nope, it can't be fixed and it's not my fault. And then you can let go. Treasure the good times but get the hell away.

I haven't read the original thread, but I sense you're making a good decision. Stay safe. You're not alone and you have a lot of support here.

Hugs.

Linn

Subject: RE: BS: It's truly over this time. Definitely.
From: GUEST,Dave the Gnome
Date: 27 Mar 15 - 09:21 AM

If you need a relaxed getaway with some retail (charity shop :-) ) therapy then Skipton isn't half bad. You would be more than welcome but it would have to be a fold out bed as two of the coup flyers are returning for a while this weekend!

Good luck.

Dave

Subject: RE: BS: It's truly over this time. Definitely.
From: gnu
Date: 27 Mar 15 - 05:55 PM

Some good advice by other posters but I think the best advice is in your thread title. Stay strong. Just by making this decision, you are doing yourself a good turn. Good luck. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

Subject: RE: BS: It's truly over this time. Definitely.
From: Bert
Date: 28 Mar 15 - 12:30 AM

Good for you, I was in a verbally abusive relationship, and I stayed in it for far too long. Not because I was a victim, but because I was nice.

When you are dealing with abusers the sooner you realize it, and leave, the better.

I have recently learned that the abuse against me continued for a long time after I had left the relationship.

Your Mudcat friends love you Noreen. hang in there and send personal messages to any of your Mudcat friends if you need us.

Subject: RE: BS: It's truly over this time. Definitely.
From: Amergin
Date: 28 Mar 15 - 05:06 AM

Noreen, I know many people, male and female, who have similar experiences as yours. It is nothing to do with weakness, it is not a weak thing to love some one who treats you like shit....you just love them. It is a human thing to want to stay with some one they love, but yes, you have to leave. It is not safe for you there. You are a great person and you deserve so much better. The heart scars are nothing to be ashamed of, in fact be proud, and show them off to any one willing to see them...show them to your next love, show them to your last, final love, whoever that may be...and they will know you, for those scars are your capacity to love. Good on ya, for stepping away, it is a step forward for you.

Subject: RE: BS: It's truly over this time. Definitely.
From: Andrez
Date: 28 Mar 15 - 06:57 AM

Hmmmmm powerful stuff. Well said Amergin!

Cheers,

Andrez

Subject: RE: BS: It's truly over this time. Definitely.
From: Matthew Edwards
Date: 28 Mar 15 - 08:17 AM

Sorry to hear things have turned out this way, but wishing you all the best as you move on. Just keep on singing, and if you're ever back in Liverpool on a Thursday afternoon do pop in to the Belvedere!

Matthew

Subject: RE: BS: It's truly over this time. Definitely.
From: GUEST,Patsy
Date: 28 Mar 15 - 05:56 PM

There was a moment in my singledom that I contemplated going back with my ex husband of 19 years even though he was in a marriage with his new partner. I think he missed the relative peace of our relationship and as a controlling jealous person it would have been easy for him to slip back to how we were. But I knew that eventually he would have not been happy or supportive of me in my career and as I had grown into a different person in my heart of hearts I just did not trust his motives. For a start he would have wanted to control my new life friendships or perhaps end them no matter what gender they were. There was no way I wanted to change the me that I now am if you know what I mean. When I declined his nastiness did come out similar to your story. However, now I hear that things are not so great for his wife and I am so glad that I stuck to staying on my own. I wish you the best of luck it will get better!

Subject: RE: BS: It's truly over this time. Definitely.
From: GUEST,Stim
Date: 28 Mar 15 - 06:40 PM

I've been following the thread and shaking my head, thinking, "Why did she put up with that for all that time?" till it suddenly occurred to me that I had been going through the same thing.

I loved my life partner very much, and couldn't, or wouldn't see the kind of person that she was. Abuse takes a lot of different forms, and even things that seem kind and loving can be used to manipulate and control you. So even when the rage seemed to have disappeared, it's being used to manage you and to direct your life.

The thing is, we are the last ones to recognize it, and we often think that we've escaped from it, when we are really still in it's clutches. Bert's on that really hit home for me.

You already know that it's a long and painful journey back, and maybe there is no "back". Not sure that I can add to the advice that's here already.

One thing, though, and that is that the abuse and control are intended to isolate you from others, and the reason for that is simply that you can draw strength from friends and acquaintances--and you don't even have to show your pain, just visiting, chatting, maybe singing or playing a few tunes--seemingly inconsequential things can give you great healing--

Subject: RE: BS: It's truly over this time. Definitely.
From: GUEST,.gargoyle
Date: 28 Mar 15 - 07:19 PM

Have you considered "courting" BubblyRat now that you are sigle?

Sincerely,
Gargoyle

A small investment may pay multiple returns.

Subject: RE: BS: It's truly over this time. Definitely.
From: Noreen
Date: 28 Mar 15 - 07:51 PM

So much lovely stuff in this thread, I keep reading it over and getting more from each post each time.
Amergin, you've had me in tears each time I read your piece. Thank you.

Those of you who have shared your own experiences, thank you so much. It really does help to know others have done the same and been drawn in to a supposedly loving relationship.

It's so hard to see the manipulation and controlling behaviour until it's in the past- and it's now hard to believe I put up with it for so long.
But I suppose the longer it went on, the more investment I'd put in to making it work and (as I saw it then) the more I had to lose...

But I soon realised that a weight has been taken off my shoulders as I no longer have to tread on eggshells to avoid difficult subjects which never got any easier.

Sorry about mixing the metaphors!!

I'll be fine :)

Subject: RE: BS: It's truly over this time. Definitely.
From: Noreen
Date: 28 Mar 15 - 07:56 PM

On a separate matter-

To gargoyle:

Strangely, no, that hasn't been something I have considered.
And if I had, I don't think either the gentleman in question or his lovely lady would be too happy about it!

Anyway, weren't you suggesting elsewhere that he wasn't long for this world?

Your thoughtfulness is remarkable.

Subject: RE: BS: It's truly over this time. Definitely.
From: GUEST,Guest from Sanity
Date: 29 Mar 15 - 10:52 AM

Here's a couple for ya'

...and then there's always this one......

GfS

Subject: RE: BS: It's truly over this time. Definitely.
From: GUEST,Guest from Sanity
Date: 29 Mar 15 - 05:37 PM

...and then there is this one.......

GfS


P.S. My Mother just passed today, this morning, so I pulled this song up.
I used to do it years ago....I might just do it, (with some minor changes, at the funeral.

Subject: RE: BS: It's truly over this time. Definitely.
From: GUEST
Date: 29 Mar 15 - 05:59 PM

My sincerest condolences for your loss GfS.

Subject: RE: BS: It's truly over this time. Definitely.
From: Dorothy Parshall
Date: 29 Mar 15 - 06:49 PM

On Friday, I had lunch with a friend. We had not connected for a few months so I was stunned when she told me she had told her husband of 25 years to leave. And he did. I like him to but I know it has been difficult because he has serious problems with which he refused to deal.

In the few years I have known her, I have never seen her calm and gathered, and excited about getting on with her very own life. I have enjoyed her a lot but this time, I enjoyed her MORE! I had never seen this side of her before and hope to keep on seeing it.

Then I saw your thread.    Carry on, Noreen!

Subject: RE: BS: It's truly over this time. Definitely.
From: Noreen
Date: 29 Mar 15 - 07:29 PM

Thank you very much for your choice of songs, GfS.
I know the Leonard Cohen very well, but the other two not at all.
Enjoyed all very much.

...but then some day when your poor heart is on the mend
I just might pass this way again
*wry smile*

Your first one reminded me of this one which was significant when I was getting ready to leave the first time:
Carole King - It's Too Late

Looking that up led me to read about Carole King's own experience of an abusive relationship, about which she said:
"I had always been judgemental about women who stayed in abusive relationships. I'd always thought, if I found myself with a man like that, the first time he struck me I'd be out of there in a New York minute. I would never stay with an abuser. Until I did."

Likewise.

You have my sympathy for the loss of your mother, GfS. Yes, do that song for the funeral if you can. Hugs.

Subject: RE: BS: It's truly over this time. Definitely.
From: Noreen
Date: 29 Mar 15 - 07:30 PM

Thanks Dorothy :)

Subject: RE: BS: It's truly over this time. Definitely.
From: GUEST,Guest from Sanity
Date: 30 Mar 15 - 02:29 AM

Noreen,
Here's one more.......for the road......

Warmest Regards!

GfS

P.S. Thanks all!

Subject: RE: BS: It's truly over this time. Definitely.
From: Noreen
Date: 30 Mar 15 - 03:40 PM

That's sad :(

Subject: RE: BS: It's truly over this time. Definitely.
From: GUEST,Charmion's brother Andrew
Date: 30 Mar 15 - 04:34 PM

You are entitled to the vindication and rewards that will come from living well and being considerate of others (who neither exploit nor abuse you). That is what I think Charmion is doing.

Subject: RE: BS: It's truly over this time. Definitely.
From: GUEST,Guest from Sanity
Date: 30 Mar 15 - 10:01 PM

Ah, Yes!...The best revenge, is to forgive and live well!...besides, if you don't forgive, you will never live well...you'll always be watching and waiting for him to get his comeuppance...especially, if he was an abuser, or had addictions....

and BTW, the girl in the last video is Jackie Evancho, in case you haven't run across her yet. In that video she is 14.....here she was at
11 years old .
......and with Barbra Streisand

Enjoy!

GfS