BS: First Joke Thread of 2016

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2016
From: gillymor
Date: 09 Feb 16 - 03:03 PM

From a BBC article:

Lois Young-Tulin, {Sophie} Tucker's first cousin once removed, recalls a joke from the elderly singer's act. "She always had a pretend boyfriend, Abe, in her jokes. So Abe came to her and said, 'Sophie, I'm tired of waiting for you - I'm going to get myself a 30-year-old girlfriend.'

"And Sophie said, 'Go ahead. I'm going to get myself a 30-year-old boyfriend. But just remember, 30 goes into 70 a lot more times than 70 goes into 30.'"

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2016
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 09 Feb 16 - 06:05 PM

MIKE: Hey, Ike, how does a poet sneeze?

IKE: I don't know; how DOES a poet sneeze?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
MIKE: "Haii-----KU!

==============
(Sorry. As someone around here says,
"I'll get me coat.")

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2016
From: GUEST,Mrr
Date: 09 Feb 16 - 07:48 PM

Advice to a young male friend of mine, from his aging father - Son, a hole will outlast a pole, every time.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2016
From: GUEST,.
Date: 10 Feb 16 - 04:43 AM

Trump has dropped out of the presidential race.....




He found out that if he wins, he will have to live in a smaller house and in a black neighborhood.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2016
From: GUEST,Pete from seven stars link
Date: 10 Feb 16 - 03:23 PM

Just been to a combined burns and Chinese New Year do........Chinese burns !               Did,nt really want to, someone trusted my arm.             From a Facebook post.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2016
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 10 Feb 16 - 07:34 PM

Was told this by an old Socialist, the first man we ever recorded - he apologised in case we would think it was racist - it turned out to be one of the best anti-racists I have ever heard.
A West Indian was told by his doctor that he only had a few months to live; after he had taken in the news, the doctor asked him would he think about donating his heart for transplant.
He thought for while and finally said he would, if he was told who the recipient would be.
The doctor, after a long argument, finally agreed, so the man takes the address and goes off to find person who was to get his heart.
He tracks him down and knocks on the door, which was eventually answered bu a huge skinhead in a stained Union Jack Vest, rings piercing his nose, both ears and his eyebrows, with a display of Swastika tattoos on his forehead, neck and up both arms.
"What the **** do you want?"
Timidly the little West Indian says, "to tell you the truth, I've been told I only have a few months to live and I've decides to donate my heart for transplant - you're going to get it".
"Thank **** for that; I thought you were going to move in next door".
Jim Carroll

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2016
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 14 Feb 16 - 05:40 PM

Things My Mom Taught Me

(An oldie but a goodie!)

My mother taught me to appreciate a job well done: "If you're going to kill each other, do it outside -- I just finished cleaning!"

My mother taught me religion: "You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

My mother taught me about time travel: "If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

My mother taught me logic: "Because I said so, that's why."

My mother taught me foresight: "Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

My mother taught me irony: "Keep crying and I'll give you something to cry about."

My mother taught me about the science of osmosis: "Shut your mouth and eat your supper!"

My mother taught me about contortionism: "Will you look at the dirt on the back of your neck!"

My mother taught me about stamina: "You'll sit there 'til all that spinach is finished."

My mother taught me about weather: "It looks as if a cyclone swept through your room."

My mother taught me how to solve physics problems: "If I yelled because I saw a meteor coming toward you -- would you listen then?"

My mother taught me about hypocrisy: "If I've told you once, I've told you a million times: don't exaggerate!"

My mother taught me the circle of life: "I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

My mother taught me about envy: "There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do!"

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2016
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 14 Feb 16 - 05:45 PM

Mandatory Vacation

Two entrepreneurs were comparing notes on the difficulties of running a small business.

"I started a new practice last year," the first one said. "I insist that each of my employees take at least a week off every three months."

"Why in the world would you do that?" the other asked.

She responded, "It's the best way I know of to learn which ones I can do without."

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2016
From: GUEST,Mrr
Date: 24 Feb 16 - 10:49 AM

How many republicans does it take to change a light bulb?
More guns!

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2016
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 27 Feb 16 - 01:23 PM

Estate Planning

Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business.

He toiled at it for years, until finally his father was on his deathbed--Dan would inherit a fortune! He decided he needed a wife with which to share the vast estate.

One evening at an investment meeting he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen.

Her natural beauty took his breath away. "I may look like just an ordinary man," he said to her, "but in just a few weeks, my father, who's a widower, will die, and I'll inherit a hundred million dollars."

Impressed, the woman accepted his business card. And just three short days later, she became his stepmother.

Women are really much better at estate planning than men.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2016
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 27 Feb 16 - 01:34 PM

Breast Enlargement the Easy Way

A flat-chested young lady went to a popular surgeon known for "no scars" about enlarging her breasts.

To her shock, Dr. Cutter advised her, "Every day after your shower, rub your chest and say, "Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies!" He guaranteed success and, figuring she had nothing to lose, she did what he told her to do faithfully for several months.

To her utter amazement she grew terrific D-cup boobs! One morning she was running late, got on the bus, and in a panic realized she had forgotten her morning ritual.

Frightened she might lose her lovely boobs if she didn't recite the little rhyme, she stood right there in the middle aisle of the bus, closed her eyes and said quietly, "Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies."

She apparently didn't say it quietly enough, though, since a guy sitting nearby looked at her and asked "Oh! Are you a patient of Dr. Cutter?"

"Yes I am," she said, a bit embarrassed. "How did you know?"

He winked and whispered, "Hickory dickory dock. . ."

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2016
From: GUEST,#
Date: 03 Mar 16 - 09:56 AM

Just rec'd by email from two friends.



In the great days of the British Empire, a new commanding officer was sent to a South African bush outpost to relieve the retiring colonel.

After welcoming his replacement and showing the usual courtesies (gin and tonic, cucumber sandwiches etc.) which protocol decrees, the retiring colonel said, 'You must meet my Adjutant, Captain Smithers, He's my right-hand man and is really the strength of this office. His talent is simply boundless.'

Smithers was summoned and introduced to the new CO, who was surprised to meet a hunchback, one eyed, toothless, hairless, scabbed and pockmarked specimen of humanity, a particularly unattractive man less than three feet tall.

'Smithers, old man, tell your new CO about yourself.'

'Well, sir, I graduated with honours from Sandhurst, joined the regiment and won the Military Cross and Bar after three expeditions behind enemy lines. I've represented Great Britain in equestrian events and won a Silver Medal in the middleweight division of the Olympics. I have researched the history of…..'

At that point, the colonel interrupted, 'Yes, yes, never mind that Smithers, he can find all that in your file. Tell him about the day you told the witch doctor to fuck off.'

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2016
From: gillymor
Date: 03 Mar 16 - 10:00 AM

lol,#.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2016
From: GUEST,#
Date: 03 Mar 16 - 10:08 AM

It got me too, gillymor. Best laugh in a week.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2016
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 03 Mar 16 - 12:46 PM

Jaysus, that's a good 'un!

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2016
From: Mrrzy
Date: 05 Mar 16 - 01:50 PM

What worries bats most as they get older?

Incontinence...

(Think about it)

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2016
From: Thompson
Date: 09 Mar 16 - 12:05 PM

A company director was looking for a really really really good computer programmer to make the ultimate app for him. A programmer was recommended — "and he's so good that his hands are actually golden".
He arranged to meet the programmer, who was wearing fine black leather gloves. He tried every way he could to get the programmer to take off the gloves, and finally asked him "I've heard you have 'golden hands' — is that really true?"
"Sure," the programmer said and stripped off a glove.
The director looked closely. It seemed like a perfectly ordinary human-coloured hand to him. "It doesn't look gold to me," he said.
"Ah," said the programmer. "No one who's a cuckold can see the gold."

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2016
From: Donuel
Date: 09 Mar 16 - 04:38 PM

I had the chance to be first to try out our new video International Conference Call app. First to call in and register was England followed by Scotland, Spain and Germany.

I struggled to get the video to display each person when I asked,
"can you see me"? They said,

Yes
Aye
si
Yah

I was pleased they all spoke English when the translator apparently broke.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2016
From: Jim Dixon
Date: 10 Mar 16 - 03:26 PM

(The first entry in this thread reminded me of this:)

A teacher addresses her pupils: "Today, children, I'm offering a prize. Whoever answers the first question correctly will be excused from class for the rest of the day."

Just then, a resounding fart is heard.

"Who did that?" demands the teacher.

"I did," says Little Johnny. "Can I leave now?"

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2016
From: gnu
Date: 12 Mar 16 - 11:07 AM

Haven't read this thread in a while so apologies if this been posted previously...

In the great days of the British Empire, a new commanding officer was sent to a South African bush outpost to relieve the retiring colonel.

After welcoming his replacement and showing the usual courtesies (gin and tonic, cucumber sandwiches etc.) which protocol decrees, the retiring colonel said, 'You must meet my Adjutant, Captain Smithers, He's my right-hand man and is really the strength of this office. His talent is simply boundless.'

Smithers was summoned and introduced to the new CO, who was surprised to meet a hunchback, one eyed, toothless, hairless, scabbed and pockmarked specimen of humanity, a particularly unattractive man less than three feet tall.

'Smithers, old man, tell your new CO about yourself.'

'Well, sir, I graduated with honours from Sandhurst, joined the regiment and won the Military Cross and Bar after three expeditions behind enemy lines. I've represented Great Britain in equestrian events and won a Silver Medal in the middleweight division of the Olympics. I have researched the history of…..'

At that point, the colonel interrupted, 'Yes, yes, never mind that Smithers, he can find all that in your file. Tell him about the day you told the witch doctor to fuck off.'

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2016
From: frogprince
Date: 12 Mar 16 - 11:39 AM

Well, gnu, now we know what kind of scruffy ne'er-do-well you swap jokes with... : )

(skim back just to 3 March am.)

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2016
From: Donuel
Date: 14 Mar 16 - 05:39 PM

Back on QVC Donald was hawking some of his 'new' products.

"You are gonna love these folks their great their great. They said I didn't love the women but I love the women. You know who these are for, she's gonna love these, Here they are; TRUMPONS TRUMPONS
TRUMPONS they are huge absolutely huge. they are great, really great and over here this is really great, its a trilobite double processor Trumplet. Put all your photos and music here folks. TRUMPLETS folks get them while they last. Yeah they are great.

OK Ok how many of you folks like puppies? They are great aren't they well this is greater than great, I have covered the kennel fees from Florida and Ohio for all the puppies from closed puppy mills so you can have a chance to own a Trump Pet. They are super great. You can have them at cost. Get your very own TRUMP Pet."

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2016
From: Mrrzy
Date: 15 Mar 16 - 11:09 AM

A French cheese shop exploded. What was left? Debris!

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2016
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 19 Mar 16 - 07:49 AM

Two Cannibals

Two cannibals, a father and son, were elected by the tribe to go out and get something to eat. They walked deep into the jungle and waited by a path.

Before long, a little old man came by. The son said, "Oh Dad, there's one!"

"No," said the father. "There's not enough meat on that one to even feed the dogs. We'll just wait."

A little while later, along came a very large man. The son said, "Hey dad, he's plenty big enough."

"No," the father said. "We'd all die of a heart attack from the fat on that one. We'll just wait."

About an hour later, an absolutely gorgeous woman came past them. The son said, "Now there's nothing wrong with that one, Dad. Let's eat her!"

"No," said the father. "We will not eat her either."

"Why not?" asked the son. "She's not too skinny, she's not too fat. She's just right!"

"Right," the father replied. "We're going to take her back alive and eat your mother."

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2016
From: Donuel
Date: 19 Mar 16 - 03:14 PM

Pollyanna couldn't wait to open Pandoras gift till Xmas

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2016
From: GUEST,Paul Clarke
Date: 19 Mar 16 - 09:29 PM

Some great gags on here.
My favourite of the moment:
"Doctor, doctor! People keep misunderstanding me."
"OK. Please can you describe the symptoms?"
"Yes, it's an American TV cartoon series with yellow people in… "

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2016
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 26 Mar 16 - 09:51 AM

Hole-In-What?

A group of golfers were putting on the green when suddenly a ball dropped in their midst. One of the party winked at the others and shoved the ball into the hole with his foot. Seconds later a very fat player puffed on to the green, quite out of breath.

"Excuse me," he said as he looked around distractedly. "Have you seen my ball?"

"Yeah, it went in the hole," the joker answered with straight-faced alacrity.

"Really?!" The fat guy said, unbelieving.

"Take a look," the jokester said, pointing at the hole as the rest of his foursome looked in in amusement.

The guy waddled over to the hole, looked in, reached down and picked up his ball. His astonishment was plain to see.

"Woo hoo!!" he exclaimed.

Then he turned, spotted his partner, and shouted out at the top of his lungs, "Hey, Sam, guess what?! I got an eleven!"

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2016
From: frogprince
Date: 26 Mar 16 - 05:14 PM

I found my first gray pubic hair today. I usually don't let something like this bother me, but this one was in my Big Mac.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2016
From: Donuel
Date: 26 Mar 16 - 08:06 PM

Bernie Sanders and his deputy running mate Birdie Sanders promised Colorado voters Pot in every chicken.



At an NIH research funding hearing:
What research do you have to present today Dr. Menice?

" We have what All Of America needs..."

Excuse me Dr. but you should apply to the FDA . We do not fund olive research.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2016
From: JenBurdoo
Date: 26 Mar 16 - 11:54 PM

That British Empire joke reminded me of another I learned from Isaac Asimov:

In the good old days of the Empire, a civil servant and his family moved to Khartoum. As the man and his son explored the city, they found a magnificent equestrian statue of "Chinese" Gordon. The father lovingly described Gordon's patriotism, his faith, his bravery, and how he was regarded as a martyr and a hero by all the Empire.

The boy was impressed, and became enamored of the statue. He often went to visit and admire it. Years later, as the family was about to be transferred elsewhere, the father went out to discover his son paying the statue a respectful farewell. He was gratified and moved by his son's reverence for this great hero of the British Empire.

As they left, his son said, "Father, there is something I have always wondered about that statue."

"What is it, son?"

"Who is that man who sits on Gordon?"

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2016
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 07 Apr 16 - 09:35 AM

Teenagers are like Cats

How so? Well, consider:

Neither teenagers nor cats turn their heads when you call them by name.

No matter what you do for them, it is not enough. Indeed, all humane efforts are barely adequate to compensate for the privilege of waiting on them hand and foot.

You rarely see a cat walking outside of the house with an adult human being, and it can be safely said that no teenager in his or her right mind wants to be seen in public with his or her parents.

Even if you tell jokes as well as David Letterman, neither your cat nor your teen will ever crack a smile.

No cat nor teenager shares your taste in music.

Cats and teenagers can lie on the living-room sofa for hours on end without moving, barely breathing.

Cats have nine lives. Teenagers carry on as if they did.

Cats and teenagers yawn in exactly the same manner, communicating that ultimate human ecstasy -- a sense of complete and utter boredom.

No cat nor any teenager has ever improved anyone's furniture.

Cats that are free to roam outside sometimes have been known to return in the middle of the night to deposit a dead animal in your bedroom. Teenagers are not above that sort of behavior.

Thus, if you must raise teenagers, the best sources of advice are not other parents, but veterinarians. It is also a good idea to keep a guidebook on cats at hand at all times. And remember above all else, put out the food and do not make any sudden moves in their direction. When they make up their minds, they will finally come to you for some affection and comfort, and it will be a triumphant moment for all concerned.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2016
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 07 Apr 16 - 09:41 AM

Two Golf Twosomes

John and Hy were out playing golf on a nice Saturday afternoon. They were getting frustrated, though, because the two women who were playing right in front of them were quite slow and were holding up the men's game.

"Don't they know they're supposed to let us play through?" John asked.

"I guess not," Hy replied.

"I'm going to go ask them if we can play through," John said. "Enough is enough."

He started walking over toward the women, but as he got close, he suddenly turned around and came back, white as a ghost.

"Oh God," John said to his friend, "This is awful. You're going to have to ask them!"

"Why?" Hy asked.

"One of them is my wife, and the other is my mistress!" John said, still shaking.

"No sweat," Hy said -- but just as he was getting close, he turned around and came running back too.

"What happened?" John asked.

"Well, let me tell you," Hy said. "It's a small world!"

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2016
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 07 Apr 16 - 09:58 AM

Airline Travel: The Next Generation

Airlines are charging "extras" now for thing that
used to be included as a matter of course. Here's a
taste of the future:

- - -

Attendant: Welcome aboard U.S. Airways, sir. May I see your ticket?

Passenger: Sure.

Attendant: You're in seat 12B. That will be $5, please!

Passenger: What for?

Attendant: For telling you where to sit.

Passenger: But I already knew where to sit.

Attendant: Nevertheless, we are now charging a seat locator fee of $5. It's the airline's new policy.

Passenger: That's the craziest thing I ever heard. I won't pay it.

Attendant: Sir, do you want a seat on this flight, or not?

Passenger: Yes, yes. All right, I'll pay. But the airline is going to hear about this.

Attendant: Thank you. My goodness, your carry-on bag looks heavy. Would you like me to stow it in the overhead compartment for you?

Passenger: That would be swell, thanks.

Attendant: No problem. Up we go, and done! That will be $10, please.

Passenger: What?

Attendant: The airline now charges a $10 carry-on assistance fee.

Passenger: This is extortion. I won't stand for it.

Attendant: Actually, you're right, you can't stand. You need to sit, And fasten your seat belt. We're about to push back from the gate. But, first I need that $10.

Passenger: No way!

Attendant: Sir, if you don't comply, I will be forced to call the air marshal -- and you really don't want me to do that.

Passenger: Why not? Is he going to shoot me?

Attendant: No, but there's a $50 air-marshal hailing fee.

Passenger: Oh, all right, here, take the $10. I can't believe this.

Attendant: Thank you for your cooperation, sir. Is there anything else I can do for you?

Passenger: Yes. It's stuffy in here, and my overhead fan doesn't seem to work. Can you fix it?

Attendant: Your overhead fan is not broken, sir. Just insert two quarters into the Overhead coin slot for the first five minutes.

Passenger: The airline is charging me for cabin air?

Attendant: Of course not, sir. Stagnant cabin air is provided free of charge. It's the circulating air that costs 50 cents.

Passenger: I don't have any quarters. Can you make change for a dollar?

Attendant: Certainly, sir! Here you go!

Passenger: But you've given me only three quarters for my dollar.

Attendant: Yes, there's a change-making fee of 25 cents.

Passenger: For cryin' out loud. All I have left is a lousy quarter? What the heck can I do with this?

Attendant: Hang onto it, it'll probably come in handy later.

Passenger (finally getting suspicious): What for?

Attendant: You may need it later for the lavatory.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2016
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 08 Apr 16 - 09:44 AM

Chosen for Jury Duty

A man who was chosen for jury duty very much wanted to be dismissed from serving. He tried every excuse he could think of but none of them worked.

On the day of the trial he decided to give it one more shot. As the trial was about to begin he asked if he could approach the bench.

"Your Honor," he said, "I must be excused from this trial because I am prejudiced against the defendant."

"Oh?" the judge said.

"Yes!" the man replied. "I took one look at the man in the blue suit with those beady eyes and that dishonest face and I said 'He's a crook! He's guilty, guilty, guilty' So your Honor, I could not possibly stay on this jury!"

The judge replied, "Get back in the jury box. You are just the kind of juror we are looking for--a good judge of character."

"But your honor!" the man protested. "How can you say that?"

"Because," the judge said, "that man is the defendant's lawyer."

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2016
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 14 Apr 16 - 01:35 PM

The Fire at the University

Three professors -- a physicist, a chemist, and a statistician -- are at a department head meeting when a fire breaks out in a wastebasket.

They all have different methods of dealing with the emergency.

The physicist says, "I know what to do! We must cool down the materials until their temperature is lower than their ignition temperature and then the fire will go out."

The chemist says, "No! No! I know what to do! We must cut off the supply of oxygen so that the fire will go out due to lack of one of the reactants."

As the physicist and the chemist debate what to do, the statistician runs around the room lighting more fires.

"What are you doing?!" the physicist and the chemist scream.

The statistician replies, "We're going to need a larger sample size."

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2016
From: Joe_F
Date: 14 Apr 16 - 06:19 PM

A doctor, a lawyer, and a physicist were having a drink, and the topic of conversation was: Is it better to have a wife, or a mistress?
A wife, says the doctor: there are various diseases you are somewhat more likely to get from a mistress.
A mistress, says the lawyer: then, if it doesn't work out, you don't have the agony of a divorce.
A wife *and* a mistress, says the physicist, because then, when your wife thinks you're with your mistress, and your mistress thinks you're with your wife, you can do *physics*.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2016
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 07 May 16 - 07:19 PM

A Joke for Each State

Massachusetts
Lewis Black on Boston traffic: "The last person to get across that town in under three hours was yelling, 'The British are coming! The British are coming!'"

Michigan
What do you call 40 guys watching the Super Bowl on television? The Detroit Lions.

Minnesota
What are the four seasons in Minnesota? Almost winter, winter, still winter, and road construction.

Mississippi
How do you know when you're staying in a Mississippi hotel? When you call the front desk and say, "I've gotta leak in my sink," and the person at the front desk says, "Go ahead."

Missouri
A man from Kansas City walks into a bar and asks, "Wanna hear a joke about people from St. Louis?"

The bartender says, "Listen, pal, I'm from St. Louis, and I won't appreciate it. The man sitting next to you is 265 pounds, and he's from St. Louis too. And the bouncer, that huge guy there, is also from St. Louis. So do you still want to tell that joke?"

"No," says the guy from Kansas City. "Not if I have to explain it three times."

Montana
Four women are driving across the country together, each one from a different state: Idaho, Nebraska, Montana, and California. Shortly after the trip begins, the woman from Idaho pulls potatoes from her bag and throws them out the window. "What are you doing?" asks the Nebraskan.

"We have so many of these things in Idaho, I'm sick of looking at them."

A moment later, the gal from Nebraska pulls ears of corn from her bag and tosses them from the window. "What are you doing?" asks the gal from Montana.

"We have so many of these things in Nebraska, I'm sick of looking at them."

Inspired, the Montanan opens the car door and kicks the Californian out.

Nebraska
Nebraska: Ask About Our State Motto Contest

Nevada
Las Vegas: All the amenities of modern society in a habitat unfit to grow a tomato. --Jason Love

New Hampshire
The state motto is "Live Free or Die", which appears on license plates made by prisoners. --Jon Stewart on The Daily Show

New Jersey
Why does New Jersey have all the toxic waste dumps and New York have all the lawyers?

New Jersey got first choice.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2016
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 07 May 16 - 07:45 PM

I like your Missouri and Noo Joysey ones best, Dave! Your Minnesota one reminds me of a description off the English climate I heard decades ago - nine months of winter and three months of bad weather. 😳

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2016
From: frogprince
Date: 10 May 16 - 10:34 AM

On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple is involved in a fatal car accident. The couple find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven.
While waiting, they begin to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven? When St. Peter showed up, they asked him.

St. Peter said, 'I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out,' and he leaves.
The couple sat and waited, and waited. 9 weeks passed and the couple are still waiting. While waiting, they began to wonder what would happen if it didn't work out; could you get a divorce in heaven. After yet another month, St. Peter finally returns, looking somewhat bedraggled.
"Yes,' he informs the couple, 'you can get married in Heaven.'"Great!' said the couple, 'But we were just wondering, what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?' St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard onto the ground. 'What's wrong?' asked the frightened couple. "OH, COME ON!', St. Peter shouted, 'It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it'll take me to find a lawyer?"

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2016
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 14 May 16 - 11:45 AM

A Letter to God

A little boy wanted a bicycle very badly, but was told he couldn't have it because it would cost $100, and the family just didn't couldn't afford that in this bad economy.

He prayed for weeks, but nothing happened, so he decided God just couldn't hear his tiny little voice, so he decided to write God a letter requesting the $100.

When the postal authorities received the letter to "God, USA", they decided to send it to the President. And sure enough, it ended up being one of the sample letters that reached President Obama's inbox.

The president was so touched that he put a $5 bill in the envelope and sent it to the little boy. The president thought that this would appear to be a lot of money to such a young child.

The little boy was delighted with the $5 bill and sat down to write a thank-you note to God:

    Dear God,

    Thank you very much for sending the money. However, I noticed that for some reason the incompetents at the post office routed it through Washington D.C., and that damned Democrat Obama took $95 in taxes.

    Sincerely,
    Timmy

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2016
From: Jim Dixon
Date: 15 Jun 16 - 09:46 AM

We were so poor...

...blues singers would show up at our house when they had writer's block.

--Otis Lee Crenshaw (heard on Comedy Central)

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2016
From: MGM·Lion
Date: 29 Jun 16 - 02:43 AM

What did Santa Claus say to the three prostitutes?




Ho! Ho! Ho!

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2016
From: Donuel
Date: 29 Jun 16 - 06:53 AM

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YzRbC7lQ-EQ

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2016
From: Mrrzy
Date: 05 Jul 16 - 06:00 PM

What do we want? A cure for Tourette's! And when do we CUNT!!!

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2016
From: Andrez
Date: 05 Jul 16 - 08:53 PM

Thats meant to be funny?

Cheers,

Andrez

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2016
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 05 Jul 16 - 09:03 PM

He missed a bit out. I never type rude words but I shall make an exception just this once. Ahem.

What do we want?

A cure for Tourette's!

When do we want it?

CUNT!

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2016
From: Andrez
Date: 06 Jul 16 - 08:10 AM

Sorry Steve, still not funny. It took me a while to realise you were talking about Tourette's Syndrome and I had to go and look it up again, doesn't sound at all like fun for the kids with this particular condition. For anyone wanting to know what Tourette's is check out:

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tourette_syndrome

It might have been marginally funnier if you used TRUMP or BREXIT or FARAGE but no we had to go for the obvious, unoriginal and derogatory option didn't we?

This is meant to be a joke thread. So lets just keep FUNNY!

Cheers,

Andrez

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2016
From: Mrrzy
Date: 06 Jul 16 - 10:08 AM

it doesn't work if you don't *interrupt* with FUCK or something. I used the other word only as an unambiguous noun - when do we FUCK might have not been "gotten" - and yeah, I thought it was funny. Of course it's not funny TO have Tourette's, but that doesn't mean the joke can't be funny. You didn't like it; doesn't make it not funny.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2016
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 06 Jul 16 - 05:44 PM

Agreed. Un-po your face, Andrez!

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2016
From: Pete from seven stars link
Date: 06 Jul 16 - 06:21 PM

Sounds like the comedy joke ....minus the bad laquage, the one liner "what's the secret of good comedy", cut in on by the word TIMING !.