BS: Office jargon

Subject: RE: BS: Office jargon
From: Kampervan
Date: 26 Apr 16 - 03:41 AM

The chief executive of Whitbread (Premier Inns, Costa Coffee etc), when talking about assessing the state of her business, on BBC Breakfast TV this morning, referred to 'Kicking the tyres'

Yes folks, we're not inventing all of this.

Subject: RE: BS: Office jargon
From: Bill D
Date: 15 Apr 16 - 10:00 AM

"Pre-recorded earlier, at a previous time"

Subject: RE: BS: Office jargon
From: Senoufou
Date: 15 Apr 16 - 08:51 AM

That makes me think of so-called 'pre-owned' cars. I expect it's now forbidden to use the term 'second hand'. I've even seen 'pre-loved'!! Nice to know the vehicle was once adored...

Subject: RE: BS: Office jargon
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 15 Apr 16 - 08:39 AM

I presuppose so, in the words of one of our illustrious, more pious contributors...

Subject: RE: BS: Office jargon
From: Senoufou
Date: 15 Apr 16 - 08:28 AM

Logically Steve, that would imply that one books before one actually books... therein lies utter madness!

Subject: RE: BS: Office jargon
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 15 Apr 16 - 06:00 AM

Well what about all this "pre-" stuff? It seems that you don't order or book anything any more, you pre-order or pre-book.

Subject: RE: BS: Office jargon
From: Senoufou
Date: 15 Apr 16 - 05:56 AM

My sister rang yesterday; she's in the throes of choosing a whole new kitchen. She said, "I need to future-proof it." I imagine she meant she was going to choose a design that won't date. If that is the case, why not say so? She ought to know better - she's nearly as old as me!

Subject: RE: BS: Office jargon
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 15 Apr 16 - 05:48 AM

OK, I'll spill the beans. Check out theofficelife.com and look for the Ridiculous Business Jargon Dictionary. It's an absolute gem!

Subject: RE: BS: Office jargon
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 14 Apr 16 - 08:18 PM

OK, guys, swansong time. I'm not gonna cheese-chew any more across the piece just to cover up for people who pretend to aggressive mediocrity, when all along they're simply dipping their pens in company ink in firm time. OK, for now I'll anonymise. But just remember, even dead cats bounce, and, whatever the obstacles, we can eat this elephant one bite at a time...

Subject: RE: BS: Office jargon
From: Little Hawk
Date: 13 Apr 16 - 11:03 PM

I did indeed. It's profoundly exciting. Almost orgasmic. Soon I will be rubbing elbows with pretentious assholes in suits, using Power Point, and generally engaging in upward mobility. Or not. :)

Subject: RE: BS: Office jargon
From: Bill D
Date: 13 Apr 16 - 11:00 PM

Steve will no doubt show us which of several jargon generators he uses. I found several, and I suppose LH found one.

Subject: RE: BS: Office jargon
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 13 Apr 16 - 10:57 PM

When I hear "going forward", I want to ask the speaker, "How else can you go? What you're talking about going forward in is time. In our universe, time only goes one way. Forward. You can't go backwards, sideways, up, or down. Why don't you say, 'in the future'? It's much less annoying."

Subject: RE: BS: Office jargon
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 13 Apr 16 - 09:22 PM

Well I have to get to bed now but I'll tell you the secret tomorrow, maybe after another pile of bullshit 😎. It's nothing fancy, just my source, which is a gem. I don't know any of this stuff at all, I assure you!

Subject: RE: BS: Office jargon
From: Little Hawk
Date: 13 Apr 16 - 08:22 PM

Hmm. Never mind, I think I've got it. Ahem! Listen up, folks!

We must enthusiastically pursue backward-compatible expertise and energistically leverage an expanded array of compellingly client-focused infrastructures encouraging higher standards in strategic theme areas so as to promote quality efficient solutions that will provide access to next-generation resource-maximizing niche markets.

Subject: RE: BS: Office jargon
From: Little Hawk
Date: 13 Apr 16 - 08:14 PM

Steve, I must know your secret. Therefore I am giving this thread another lease on life.

Subject: RE: BS: Office jargon
From: Bill D
Date: 12 Apr 16 - 10:17 AM

Methinks Steve Shaw's secret is akin to what allows ME to do this:
"At the end of the day, it's time to act with epic playing field and ideate our team game-changer."

"Going forward, it's time to act with entrepreneurial learnings and streamline our team footprint."

Subject: RE: BS: Office jargon
From: Helen
Date: 12 Apr 16 - 07:23 AM

I was wrong about James Thurber being the author of the book illustrating wine connoisseurs' descriptions of wine. It was by Ronald Searle, famous for teh St Trinian's cartoons and books, subsequently made into movies way back when. Tne name of the book is Winespeak.

I tried a Google image search but although soem of the illustrations are there, they really only make sense when you read the wine descriptions.

Searle also published another book of cartoons called Slightly foxed But Still desirable, illustrating the terms used by sellers of antiquarian books. My favourite illustration in that book had the caption, "Name on fly", meaning that a previous owner had written their name on the flyleaf or the inside of the front cover. The carton showed a humongous, ugly fly with "Albert" written on his body.

I know this slightly off topic but someone in the thread mentioned wine descriptions and it reminded me of the book.

To get back on topic, another acronym I heard years ago is WOFTAM, waste of f#@%ing time and money.

Subject: RE: BS: Office jargon
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 11 Apr 16 - 09:13 PM

But just admit that this journey will force us to sunset the whole project unless there's a paradigm shift. We need to incentivise people into becoming our new breed of product evangelist. The fast money is in the low-hanging fruit - but no wrongsiding the demographic in the process, OK? Let's face it, you can't turn a tanker around with a speedboat change...

Subject: RE: BS: Office jargon
From: Little Hawk
Date: 11 Apr 16 - 11:07 AM

YES! I love the stark insincerity combined with the delicate overlay of contempt. Moving "forward" indeed! I bet Hillary Clinton knows everything about swimming in these treacherous corporate waters.

Subject: RE: BS: Office jargon
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 11 Apr 16 - 08:50 AM

Well, Red, you've been resource-intensive for a while. Can't say we ever found you the right seat on the bus anyhoo. Your reverse-infallibility has grated lately. However, should you want to swim with us again going forward, drop by my office for a little spot of over-the-shoulder time, dude. Missing you already.

Subject: RE: BS: Office jargon
From: Mr Red
Date: 11 Apr 16 - 03:05 AM

I'm outa here.

Subject: RE: BS: Office jargon
From: CupOfTea
Date: 10 Apr 16 - 10:15 PM

Paul,

If you think art gobbledygook verbiage is just for critics and observers, you likely haven't been part of an art school critique session! In grad school I was appalled at the buzzword laden crap people would shovel about their latest bit of laziness masquerading as minimalism. Douglas Adams captured it perfectly in the critique of Vogon poetry: "counterpoint the surrealism of the underlying metaphor..." - Semantically null strings of buzzwords not quite managing to convey content.

Joanne who survived grad school without smacking the tar out of the buzzword brigade

Subject: RE: BS: Office jargon
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 10 Apr 16 - 07:19 PM

Crap, Paul? Crap?? Now let's just eat a reality sandwich here. Yeah, sure, I'm undertooled, even behind the eight-ball at times, I admit. But at least I don't do that kumbaya shit and I'm still basically queen of the pigs. Now quit skiing off-piste, do some black-sky thinking and give me something buzzworthy. So far, you're all sausage and no sizzle. Yeah?

Subject: RE: BS: Office jargon
From: Paul Reade
Date: 10 Apr 16 - 06:43 PM

The difference between this crap and that written about art and wine is that the office stuff is used by the participants whereas critics / observers go on about art / wine. You'd never hear a wine producer talking like this, and I also remember a tale about a journalist interviewing Picasso about a painting that had a fish in it. He asked something like "was it a deep comment on the meaning of life?" To which the great man replied "I think we had fish for lunch that day"

Subject: RE: BS: Office jargon
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 10 Apr 16 - 06:35 PM

I have a secret which I shall reveal if this thread reaches a hundred. 😎

Subject: RE: BS: Office jargon
From: CupOfTea
Date: 10 Apr 16 - 04:10 PM

Working in a noncorporate sorta office (Catholic parish) rife with its own particular jargon, I'm a-gonna put you all on my prayer list. The regular interruptions of a job that involves dozens of different tasks spawned the exclamation "SQUIRREL!!" for the diatraction that takes you away from the task that you now don't remember what you were doing, or what point you left off. (it came from the dog character in the movie "Up") it seems to have universal recognition for that "where was I"?" state.

Steve Shaw's command of corporate jargon leaves me in a state of awe and reverence. Yer the real deal, the Big Kahuna, a Silverback with a corner office, He Who Must Be Obeyed, and all that jazz.

The low on the totem pole
Joanne in the Rock and Roll Capital

Subject: RE: BS: Office jargon
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 10 Apr 16 - 06:31 AM

Well I'm sick of the clocksuckers on my team who spend half the day cyberslacking. How can I possibly level-set these duck-shufflers when they don't see the criticality of the project? I just can't put lipstick on this pig and I'm gonna see if I can get myself lateraled.

Subject: RE: BS: Office jargon
From: Little Hawk
Date: 10 Apr 16 - 05:08 AM

Perish the thought!

Subject: RE: BS: Office jargon
From: Mr Red
Date: 10 Apr 16 - 05:02 AM

This is, and I make no apology, very, very much in the genre folklore.
It surrounds us, it is familiar, it is now, but in a hundred year's time?
It is all too easy to dismiss what we do as, what we do. And what we sing, as Folk. But we are the ancients in waiting.

At a "trad" Folk Club 25 years ago, I used to do "Lightbulb jokes" between songs. After 6 months I revealed that I was actually demonstrating "Folk in our time". The response was to the effect: "Mr Red getting cheap laughs".
As if!

Subject: RE: BS: Office jargon
From: Helen
Date: 09 Apr 16 - 11:58 PM

I have two items to contribute to this discussion:

Buzzword Bingo, and
Dilbert


Joe F, some decades ago I used to have a book which may possibly have been by James Thurber which had very funny illustrations of the crazy winespeak jargon. One of the funniest books I've ever seen.

There also was another one about the terms used by purveyors of old books.

And, I don't find this thread funny at all (LOL) because I am living in this jargonese nightmare every day at work. I only wish I could retire.

Helen

Subject: RE: BS: Office jargon
From: Little Hawk
Date: 09 Apr 16 - 09:32 PM

Yes, well, I think you're well out of it, then. And I wish to thank you for what has been a truly hilarious thread! :)

Subject: RE: BS: Office jargon
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 09 Apr 16 - 06:34 AM

Been there, done it, got the t-shirt. I got sick of meeting up with ignoranuses al desko just to get a smidgeon of agreeance on administrivia way below my pay grade. OK, dealing with the Mudcat adhocracy is akin to herding cats, but it's a hammock task in comparison.

Subject: RE: BS: Office jargon
From: Little Hawk
Date: 08 Apr 16 - 11:09 PM

Steve Shaw, you are an absolute master!!! I can't understand why you're not earning at least 8 figures annually at some mega-corporation or central banking institution.

Subject: RE: BS: Office jargon
From: frogprince
Date: 08 Apr 16 - 10:08 PM

We need to leverage this from a push system to a pull system.

Subject: RE: BS: Office jargon
From: Joe_F
Date: 08 Apr 16 - 09:33 PM

Bill D: There was a cartoon in the New Yorker, IIRC by James Thurber, in which (IIRC) the host says "It's a naive domestic Burgundy with no breeding whatever, but I trust you'll be amused by its presumption".

Subject: RE: BS: Office jargon
From: Bill D
Date: 08 Apr 16 - 12:24 PM

urrggg... "an ostentatiously polite little wine, with overtones of musk and cardamom... giving a hint of unfettered ....."

Oh, never mind.... I can't even fake that stuff with any sincerity.

Subject: RE: BS: Office jargon
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 08 Apr 16 - 10:49 AM

Then of course there's wine tasters...

Subject: RE: BS: Office jargon
From: Bill D
Date: 08 Apr 16 - 09:41 AM

Office jargon is clear compared to ArtSpeak

Artists' statements about their 'conceptual goals' are not considered..... ummmm... artsy... if they are coherent.

Subject: RE: BS: Office jargon
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 08 Apr 16 - 09:23 AM

Well don't come the negatron with me, Paul. I want action on this one, not a whole bunch of window-lickers who can't even hack their work-work balance and who serve me up a warm bowl of nothing. I don't need tapdancers with Teflon shoulders. Your dog won't hunt, Paul, so just spare me the testiculating, yeah?

Subject: RE: BS: Office jargon
From: Paul Reade
Date: 08 Apr 16 - 08:56 AM

I know this is in the BS section, but there's one very traditional word that sums up all this "office jargon" ...











BULLSHIT

Subject: RE: BS: Office jargon
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 07 Apr 16 - 08:13 PM

Yeah but is he a major player or just a Monday-morning quarterback? We don't need negatrons on the team. We have tasks to operationalise and I don't want any more goat rodeos.

Subject: RE: BS: Office jargon
From: gnu
Date: 07 Apr 16 - 08:01 PM

I am not going to sugar-coat this. There is only one axe to grind and we need to grab that axe and sharpen it. Elmer Fudd isn't gonna choke this chicken without a team effort. Let's put our shoulders to the grindstone and sharpen that axe.

Fudd.

Subject: RE: BS: Office jargon
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 07 Apr 16 - 09:35 AM

Yeah well I'm uber-tired of the pig-in-python action on this piece. We need to sideline the show ponies and the rest of us need to upskill if this one's gonna grow legs. I can't keep on throwing dogs bones, and the papershredders in accounts are on my case.

Subject: RE: BS: Office jargon
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 07 Apr 16 - 09:14 AM

Gobbledygook generator

Enjoy :-)

Subject: RE: BS: Office jargon
From: DMcG
Date: 07 Apr 16 - 09:10 AM

Someone said today he would reverbalise that to us

Subject: RE: BS: Office jargon
From: Backwoodsman
Date: 07 Apr 16 - 07:29 AM

Oh Steve, my hero...!! 😜

Subject: RE: BS: Office jargon
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 07 Apr 16 - 06:58 AM

Yeah, team, but the last thing we need to be seeing here is each other's rectal databases. Let's recontextualise our latest whole raft of measures. They need ramping up so that the Big Enchilada will see what a barnburner we're in. Gotta keep those C-level guys onside, yeah? You may think that I've got unlimited bouncebackability, but I really don't need to be called in for another Jesus meeting with the blue-hairs, so arses in gear hereonin, OK?

Subject: RE: BS: Office jargon
From: Little Hawk
Date: 06 Apr 16 - 10:32 PM

Or, in the inimitable words of Shane McBride: "It's all goin' to shit here! This place is FLIPPED!!!"

Subject: RE: BS: Office jargon
From: olddude
Date: 06 Apr 16 - 10:31 PM

Lol perfect rap

Subject: RE: BS: Office jargon
From: Rapparee
Date: 06 Apr 16 - 10:05 PM

You're letting the nose of the camel in! This is a meritocracy and we need to leverage the synergy of our team, to repurpose so that we can monetize the processes that will take us to our goal. Going forward, we don't need push back so much as open lines of communication. If we don't you might find yourself packaged out.