BS: Mudcat Christmas Tavern 2016

Subject: BS: Mudcat Christmas Tavern 2016
From: Rapparee
Date: 18 Dec 16 - 09:57 PM

Dark and cold. A skiff of snow blew around his feet and blast of wind blew him hard against the oaken door.

It gave, and opened wide. He nearly fell.

Inside it was warmer, not much, but out of the wind. While no one had been inside for quite a while he found that there were still live embers in the massive hearth.

He kindled a fire, small and friendly and warming. Taking his billy from off his bong (he used it for a hook) he filled it with water.

As the warmth and light began to fill the hall he looked around and whistled for his trusty steed.

His call went unanswered, as the horse had already found warmth and shelter in the stable. The stallion was unsaddled and given food and water and clean hay.

Inside, the billy was boiling. He tossed in a handful of ground coffee, put the lid back on, and let it brew.

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Christmas Tavern 2016
From: keberoxu
Date: 18 Dec 16 - 10:09 PM

And so the fun and games begin. I'm scared to go in. Darn, not again...I'm a poet and don't know it....

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Christmas Tavern 2016
From: Sandra in Sydney
Date: 19 Dec 16 - 12:31 AM

sandra leaves hot, humid Sydney in the hope of finding cooler weather -

but is she looking for snow & snowy winds and ...

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Christmas Tavern 2016
From: JennieG
Date: 19 Dec 16 - 02:36 AM

She won't find them in Yass! The Yassians are pouring out the cold bubbles and setting out a plate of excellent local cheeses while they wait for the weary travellers' arrival.

Meanwhile, in front of the empty fireplace, a small child is hazing forlornly and expectantly into the hearth, hoping against hope that a fat men wearing a red suit may come tumbling down any minute.

Outside in the shade of a gum tree stands a strange four-legged creature, and nearby is an open cart piled high with........

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Christmas Tavern 2016
From: Rapparee
Date: 19 Dec 16 - 03:26 AM

...manure.

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Christmas Tavern 2016
From: Senoufou
Date: 19 Dec 16 - 04:00 AM

A rather plump old woman on a sturdy carthorse arrives. Carthorse is stabled too, and plump old woman enters tavern. Rap's fire is burning beautifully and the warm glow makes the place lovely and cosy.
Old woman orders a half of Adnam's ale and settles in for a nice chat with all the others.
(Any buttered crumpets landlord....?)

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Christmas Tavern 2016
From: Ebbie
Date: 19 Dec 16 - 12:48 PM

I shrug. In the warmth of the rough walls and dumped manure I accept that I shall never see the inside of the tavern itself. And that is all right; it is cozy where I am and it is where I choose to be. As each animal arrives I lead it into the stables and unsaddle or unharness it as the case may be and give it a quick rubdown with clean gunny sacks. As oblivious of my presence as their humans are, I cannot ignore the needs of the steeds.

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Christmas Tavern 2016
From: Senoufou
Date: 19 Dec 16 - 01:03 PM

Old lady hurries outside to the stables bearing mince pies and mulled wine for kind Ebbie with the horses. Her own carthorse is enjoying a bran mash and is deep in warm straw.
More people arrive as the evening progresses.. who shall we see next? Ah! A man with blond hair, an American accent and a rather strangely-coloured tanned face...No! No! It can't be!! Aaaaaaargh!

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Christmas Tavern 2016
From: Donuel
Date: 19 Dec 16 - 05:18 PM

And I' brought coffee and Colorado Northern Comfort weed. I'll smell like sweaty Tee shirts in here in no time.

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Christmas Tavern 2016
From: Senoufou
Date: 20 Dec 16 - 04:05 AM

Well if that's a kind of cannabis Donuel, don't smoke it near me please. I don't approve of drugs. And don't smoke it in the stables either, the horses will go all wibbly-wobbly and giggly. We won't be able to ride them home.

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Christmas Tavern 2016
From: Ebbie
Date: 20 Dec 16 - 04:31 AM

Not to mention that we don't want flames in the stables! Thanks for the mulled wine, Senoufou (What does your name mean?) It's a chilly night out there but the drink will make me all the toastier. Just for that, I'll give the horses an extra measure of oats.

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Christmas Tavern 2016
From: Senoufou
Date: 20 Dec 16 - 04:43 AM

It's the name of my husband's tribe in Ivory Coast. I was originally Eliza on here years ago, but when I eventually joined, Joe said someone else already had 'Eliza'.

Tanned-face-man with blond hair has wandered off to find a more flashy tavern. He was a bit weird in my opinion.

When is the music going to start? I've brought my trusty harmonica and my recorder too. And I think I'll have another half of Adnam's thank you.

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Christmas Tavern 2016
From: Sandra in Sydney
Date: 20 Dec 16 - 05:28 AM

sandra saunters in, having left a giant wombat in the stable where it started eating the straw in the stall where an unfazed Ebbie placed it.

Giant wombats are herbivores, allegedly extinct 25,000 years ago & they certainly don't belong to people (maybe people belong to giant wombats??) Maybe JennieG will sort out the situation when she gets back.

sandra places an order for hot spiced orange juice and a chicken sandwich & looks around ...

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Christmas Tavern 2016
From: Senoufou
Date: 20 Dec 16 - 06:36 AM

Oooooh hello there Sandra! Love your giant wombat!
Didn't realise they serve chicken sandwiches here. I'll have one too.
Later, can I have a ride on the wombat please? You can have a go on my carthorse if you like. :)

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Christmas Tavern 2016
From: Donuel
Date: 20 Dec 16 - 08:18 AM

Look the Wombat likes it, cough cough, cough cough cough.

STOP THAT! Senofou yelled.

blonde pale face says 'no judgments mate' its fictional isn't it?

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Christmas Tavern 2016
From: Rapparee
Date: 20 Dec 16 - 09:25 AM

Fictional? No! He thinks that this is far more real that, say, Washington, DC, where he spent 38 Christmases. THAT was fictional. Fantasyland On The Potomac.

He needs a drink.

"Landlord! A toddy, and don't spare the rum!" and he places his drinking horn on the bar.

MMario does auroch, he muses. And the giant squid...where IS Squiddy?

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Christmas Tavern 2016
From: Senoufou
Date: 20 Dec 16 - 09:29 AM

Gaaaah! Now we have a stoned giant wombat to cope with! Donuel, I shall smack your bottie.
Never mind, have a mince pie and a pint of Adnam's. In fact, you can have one of my toasted crumpets, here you are; it's Christmas after all.   :)

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Christmas Tavern 2016
From: Donuel
Date: 20 Dec 16 - 11:05 AM

I rubbed some myrrh on my lips and meandered toward the dark where the Stallion stood and watched. The pale blonde held out his fingers and thankful lips licked them while huge eyes looked pleased. Just then an ocarina sounded what I took as announcement so at looked to the wide open doors where a silhouette against pinks and purples appeared and I murmured "is that Sheila pregnant"?

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Christmas Tavern 2016
From: JennieG
Date: 20 Dec 16 - 05:07 PM

Looking down, Sheila is shocked......"Where did that come from?" she muttered. "It wasn't there last time I looked!"

From the other side of the hill she hears a mysterious noise, which turns out to be a solitary diprodoton (the technical name for the abovementioned giant wombat) who had wandered in from its home in far-flung Coonabarabran. Being a shy retiring creature it is more cautious of Sheila than she is of it, which is really saying something.

As Sheila leaned closer the diprodoton opened its mouth and said......

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Christmas Tavern 2016
From: Mrrzy
Date: 20 Dec 16 - 05:22 PM

Whisky, Power's, hot.

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Christmas Tavern 2016
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 20 Dec 16 - 05:43 PM

Enter Fool:

Room, room, brave gallants! Give us room to sport;
For in this room we wish to resort
Resort and repeat to you our merry rhyme,
For remember good sirs, this is Christmas time.
The time to cut up goose pies now doth appear,
So we are come to to act our merry Christmas here.
At the sound of the trumpet and the beat of the drum;
Make room, brave gentlemen and let our actors come...

Enter Gnome, with much loud belching and breaking of wind, much to the consternation of the fool.

Fool:

Are you a merry actor that traverses the street?
Are you a merry actor that fights for your meat?
Are you a merry actor that show pleasant play?
I thought you St George, the champion, to clear the way!

Gnome: St George? That poofter in a bed sheet with a red cross and rubber sword? Nah. He p****d off when I asked him for the price of a pint. Now how much money have you collected up to now? I'm sure you must be in a festive and generous mood :-)

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Christmas Tavern 2016
From: ranger1
Date: 20 Dec 16 - 08:35 PM

The little Ranger slips in and unleashes the Tennessee Brat Terrier before removing her snowshoes and standing them in a corner. From a rather large rucksack, she removes several Tupperware containers filled with home-made gingersnaps (they pair nicely with Laphoaig), sugar cookies, and oatmeal raisin cookies. There is also a box of dog biscuits for the Brat Terrier.

"Barkeep, I'l take a lovely hot cup of cocoa, thanks."

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Christmas Tavern 2016
From: Sandra in Sydney
Date: 20 Dec 16 - 09:33 PM

Eliza, the wombat & I met up when I was looking for cooler weather. I unno what it was looking for or how it travelled across 25,000 years, but we wandered along together.

It was a dignified animal & much taller than me so we just walked along together till we saw the lights. But if might like a crumpet - maybe not - do they have eggs in them? so why not offer it some grasses or flowes (are there any left from last year?)

I haven't sat on a horse for decades. Our neighbour used to let all the kids on Gypsy's back when she brought her into her paddock - not all of us at once, of course, but Gypsy was not a carthorse.

has the Fool put his money on the bar? or are we operating on last year's credit card?

recorder, harmionica, ocarina, let the music begin! (please she sez. politely)

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Christmas Tavern 2016
From: Mrrzy
Date: 20 Dec 16 - 09:38 PM

(Grumpily) Actually, that whisky was for me. I didn't realize that dinothing could throw its voice!

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Christmas Tavern 2016
From: Rapparee
Date: 20 Dec 16 - 11:08 PM

It's always on a credit card.

He drains the drinking horn and then, taking a mouthpiece from his pocket, plays a melody to dance to, lad (and lassies).

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Christmas Tavern 2016
From: Donuel
Date: 20 Dec 16 - 11:25 PM

Relax M
doncha see she just has a bad case of Munchies. Reaching in my pendulous sack...Weedenscense, myrrh, mold, ah cinnamon sugar mushrooms, with that she bumped me in the armpit and I dropped the weed and whoomph it was gone. When eating it definitely sounds like whomph bat batbat. The pleading of the beast sounded like stereo high pitched whine on top of a deep resonant slow motion chortle of a dreaming bear...again a bigger bump and I stumbled backwards and the mushrooms were gone.   Damn that was enough for a month. That two foot schnoze was now flaring its nostrils that could swallow my arm. It suddenly took a rather rude sniff that vacuumed a sensitive area.
In twenty minutes this Kodiak bear sized gerbil is going to be on the verge of speech, I need a trail of crumbs or a Pied Piper to get'er away from the Tavern,

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Christmas Tavern 2016
From: Ebbie
Date: 20 Dec 16 - 11:53 PM

Ebbie grins as the first lively strains of music waft from the tavern. This will be an orchestra to remember!

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Christmas Tavern 2016
From: Senoufou
Date: 21 Dec 16 - 03:36 AM

Gnome, please stop belching and breaking wind, you're making my eyes water.

Now. Mrrzy would like her whisky, and as it's on the credit card, make it a double.
My carthorse is called Cyril, and he would be happy to let you ride on his back Sandra.
If we're allowed to sing in here, I'll give you a rendition of my favourite song of the moment : Bells Of Norwich

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Christmas Tavern 2016
From: Sandra in Sydney
Date: 21 Dec 16 - 03:52 AM

songs are always welcome!

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Christmas Tavern 2016
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 21 Dec 16 - 05:17 AM

That's a bit speciesist of you Eliza! Gnomes can't help it. It is how we are built :-D

Gnome looks blearily at the crowd. "Whassamatter? We need to release gasses to stop us exploding. the only alternative is fine single malt. Taken internally in great quantities and at regular intervals. Or, in the absence of fine single malt, rubbing alcohol, meths, paint thinners or anything. Trouble is I buried all my treasure and I can never find it when I go to the pub so, anyone good for a loan. Or a drink...."

:D tG

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Christmas Tavern 2016
From: Senoufou
Date: 21 Dec 16 - 07:47 AM

In self-defence, old lady quickly orders a large, single malt for the windy gnome. And offers him a swig of her bottle of Gaviscon too.

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Christmas Tavern 2016
From: Sandra in Sydney
Date: 21 Dec 16 - 09:17 AM

the self-proclaimed old lady carries a large bag full of useful stuff ...

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Christmas Tavern 2016
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 21 Dec 16 - 09:52 AM

Blah! Not fond of that pink stuff. Got any rubbing liniment?

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Christmas Tavern 2016
From: Rapparee
Date: 21 Dec 16 - 10:08 AM

"Try this!" he says and tosses a garment that appears to be a cross between an adult diaper and a gas mask to the gnome. "It will also contain bodily excretions. Here, you might enjoy this cocktail of pentamethylenediamine and tetramethylenediamine -- it's nice and warm to combat the cold night."

And he goes back to blowing his own horn, using a cup mute.

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Christmas Tavern 2016
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 21 Dec 16 - 10:13 AM

Hic!

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Christmas Tavern 2016
From: Senoufou
Date: 21 Dec 16 - 11:15 AM

Old lady has another rummage in her huge bag and produces... a bottle of horse liniment. Pouring Gavescon down the gnome's throat and rubbing the liniment vigorously on his tum, she manages to stem the flow of noxious vapour. Rap's handy garment is then donned by said windy gnome and all heave sighs of relief.

Rap continues to play with his horn, while the laydees toast more crumpets at the fireside and have a lovely chat about carthorses, cats, diprodotons, the meaning of life and so on.

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Christmas Tavern 2016
From: keberoxu
Date: 21 Dec 16 - 12:59 PM

Oh, good Lord, what is the Tennessee Brat Terrier going to make of the pit of green jello?!

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Christmas Tavern 2016
From: JennieG
Date: 21 Dec 16 - 04:30 PM

Green jello! Yum, double yum and triple yum!! Last one in is a rotten tomato......

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Christmas Tavern 2016
From: ranger1
Date: 21 Dec 16 - 05:15 PM

Beau takes one look at the jello pit, whimpers in terror, and bolts for under the darkest table in the darkest corner. Must be a compadre of Olddude.

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Christmas Tavern 2016
From: gnu
Date: 21 Dec 16 - 06:07 PM

In a dark corner, a man sits. Crumpled. Hovering over his ale and slowly shaking his head in a muddled manor. He motions the keep. When at the table, he mumbles to the keep, "A round of Turkey Turd Beer for the house. Tell them to raise their glasses to Spaw." He shuffles out the back door without saying a word and leaves but a few tears on the table.

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Christmas Tavern 2016
From: Sandra in Sydney
Date: 21 Dec 16 - 07:27 PM

sniff - glass raised ...

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Christmas Tavern 2016
From: Donuel
Date: 21 Dec 16 - 09:19 PM

Gnu thought he saw through the bottom of his beer and the open door a guy running full tilt chased by a bear, when gnu put the beer down he saw an ASPCA Animal Control truck drive by. He put the beer close to his good eye and read Turkey Turd Ale 15% and pursed his lower lip in approval.

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Christmas Tavern 2016
From: Senoufou
Date: 22 Dec 16 - 06:24 AM

Old lady rummages once more in her huge bag and draws out...three Siamese cats. Tennessee Brat Terrier looks quite interested, but isn't sure if these are actually cats or monkeys. (Old lady isn't entirely sure either) Cats sniff at the green jelly in the pit, then wee copiously in it for good luck.

Old lady raises her glass and has a quiet moment for Spaw.

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Christmas Tavern 2016
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 22 Dec 16 - 06:45 AM

The Gnome rouses from his slumbers with a look of confusion. Realising that he appears to be in fancy dress his instincts take over and an old tradition from his native Salford springs to mind. In the rose-tinted rural world of history the Wassail is performed by Wassailers and involves supping from maple bowls and blessing apple trees. In the harsh reality of the urban concrete tower blocks the Wassail is performed by Wassailants and is far darker.

A glass is raised as a lusty voice sings out the words of the ancient rhyme

Wassail, Wassail all over the place
Give us some dosh or we'll break your face
Our clubs they are made from oak and from ash
We are the Wassailants so give us your cash

As the glass reaches his lips he discovers that a mask covers his face but before the pint of Turbott's Really Odd spills down his shirt he manages to bite a hole in the leather covering, pouring the heady brew down a parched gullet.

"What b*****d put this on me while I was asleep? Show yourself! Come here and I'll bite your knees!"

Old lady offers another shot of horse liniment which serves as a suitable peace offering.

"Mmmmm. That hit the spot. Now, did someone mention Turkey Turd beer? Reminds me of an old departed friend. Pass me a pint to better remember..."

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Christmas Tavern 2016
From: Donuel
Date: 22 Dec 16 - 09:43 AM

Rap started some syncopation on his horn to a Re: in car Nation song when a guy in a green hat&uniform walked over to the bar and announced "We got him, Ee's tied up in the truck!"

Every level of dialog was frozen when Sandy yelled out "That animal is not just endangered IT"s EXSTINCT!!

"No maam" said the guy with a green hat and ASPCA patch. "we caught the perp. Someone called in a animal poisoning incident anwe gottem."
(music starts back up with more joining in.)

Sandy added, "oh that's different, nevermind" " Thank goodness " Senufou said.

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Christmas Tavern 2016
From: Donuel
Date: 22 Dec 16 - 09:57 AM

Green hat Joe tried to speak over the music "Does anybody know him?
"Not me", me neither, "I do, er no I guess not"

"anybody at all" then Joe turned and walked out.
The gnome said under his breath -gud riddance.

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Christmas Tavern 2016
From: Mrrzy
Date: 22 Dec 16 - 01:18 PM

(less grumpily, draining the steaming mug) OK, so, where's them pipes?

(FYI Eliza, we always pronounced it SenouFO, so I thought your name was punny!)

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Christmas Tavern 2016
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 22 Dec 16 - 01:23 PM

Pipes? Did someone mention pipes? I'll take one full of a good rich shag...

Hic.

Zzzzzz.

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Christmas Tavern 2016
From: Senoufou
Date: 22 Dec 16 - 01:30 PM

Yes Mrrzy it is Senoufo, but I always put 'u' on the end to make it 'fou' (as in mad) My husband's father is called Noufou, from Nafamadougou. He calls his dad 'Noufou le fou de Nafamadougou'. Every other word in Malinke seems to end in 'ou'!

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Christmas Tavern 2016
From: Mrrzy
Date: 22 Dec 16 - 02:40 PM

(tilting slightly - haven't noticed it was a double yet) (thinking I'm sitting up more straightly, loosening the outermost layer) (I peer through the haze trying to locate the source of that smell... that smell!)