BS: Toddler proof Christmas Tree (ha ha)

Subject: Toddler proof Christmas Tree (ha ha)
From: Patrish(inactive)
Date: 19 Dec 00 - 10:42 AM

I read this just now and I thought I'd share it
love Patrish xxx
This is Martha Stewart's Evil Twin and today I'm going to make a simple but beautiful pine tree into a toddler-safe Christmas decoration that will be the envy of all your friends and family.

The basis for any lovely tribute to Jesus and the Ascension is a pine-tree. I sent my assistant out in her Mazda, to drive to North Carolina and personally chop-down a gorgeous 8' Douglas Fir. After pruning, the bottom of the tree will be safely out of reach at a height of: 4', 3". If you buy bigger boxes for your gifts, no one will be the wiser with an optical and magical illusion.

Normally, you would want to keep your tree moist through the holidays, by hydrating it with a well-stand; but if your kids are like I was as a kid, they'll be lapping up that microbe-loaded, needle-filled water upon installation. Our option is to purchase a $6,000 dollar-internal-irrigator. If you can't afford this type of system, nail some plywood to the bottom, surround it with blankets and let your tree dry-up by Dec 20th. Remember, don't run your lights more than an hour a day cumulatively when the needles turn a lovely brown cinnamon color.

Normally, we'd like to hang: inedible-cookie ornaments, glass balls, and painted pearl-strands, etc. But with a toddler around, these ornaments are simply impractical and unsafe. You could buy an invisible electronic fence (the type used by dog-owners). You could surround the tree of your dreams with the invisible fence and your baby would only receive the most minimal electric shock. I will talk about the various kinds of electronic fences on a future episode of Martha Stewart's Living. For now, let's move on with this tree.

In finding safe ornaments it's a good idea to stick with edible things. I recommend unpeeled potatoes, which will have really random and delightful roots growing out of them by New Year's Day. With a little fabric-paint, you can design potatoes that remind you that Santa's Coming and not a tall salad.

Next: reliable Tupperware lids. The advantage of this decoration is that you have so many shapes and sizes to play-with. If you use pitcher lids, you won't even have to drill a whole in it to run the hanging twine-through.

Next: no popcorn this year, sorry, it's too easily-choked by a small child. Instead, we're going to string Super-Tampax (out of the applicator, of course). We can put the left-over natural dyes and make colorful angels and flowers out of the expanded shape of the tampon.

What child doesn't love the traditional saltine-cracker? If you can manage running embroidery thread and needle through a saltine, you've got an snowflake-ornament that can be plucked-off for a sustenance by the whole family if Y2K rots everything in your fridge.

I have replaced the traditional star at the top with a frilly bra; tied around an open, flared diaper, glued to a long paper-towel roll. A little magic marker later and we've got an angel that won't send your child to the emergency-room.

Look for Martha Stewart's Evil Twin, in the pages of www.thesmokinggun.com.

Subject: RE: BS: Toddler proof Christmas Tree (ha ha)
From: A Wandering Minstrel
Date: 19 Dec 00 - 11:07 AM

*LOL*

but if you could invent a cat-proof Xmas tree then you'd really have something

Subject: RE: BS: Toddler proof Christmas Tree (ha ha)
From: Eric the Viking
Date: 19 Dec 00 - 01:51 PM

We invented a "Matt" proof tree. When our son was 13 months and crawling, walking and climbing everything, I put a hook into the ceiling and suspended the tree about three foot six above the ground. It really worked, he could stand underneath and not reach. It also turned and sparkled as the breezes from opening doors and heating hit it. Very effective.

Subject: RE: BS: Toddler proof Christmas Tree (ha ha)
From: SINSULL
Date: 19 Dec 00 - 02:03 PM

I hung the tree from a ceiling hook one year and spoiled a family tradition. Once a year my cats knock down the tree, spill the water all over my hardwood floors and then stand their pointing the paw at each other. The littlest one says "They made me do it!" One kitty (long gone) used to climb out on the edge of a branch, knock all the ornaments off and create a nest. She looked so sweet nestled in the branches. I didn't have the heart to stop her.
Merry Christmas, all.

Subject: RE: BS: Toddler proof Christmas Tree (ha ha)
From: Liz the Squeak
Date: 19 Dec 00 - 03:37 PM

Ain't no such thing. We had a Christmas rubber plant once, complete with star. This year we have brought in the one from the garden, smaller than the actual pot it's in, it has next to no needles already (nothing to drop off there) and the angel on the top increases the height by 1/2..... The cat will no doubt crap in it, if she can get through the strings of beads.

LTS

Subject: RE: BS: Toddler proof Christmas Tree (ha ha)
From: Mrs.Duck
Date: 19 Dec 00 - 07:49 PM

In the interest of our sanity we have just bought a Rowan proof tree. Itis in fact half a tree mounted on a frame and then attached to the wall at ceiling level. A CD tower (empty since Rowan discovered they made good frisbies) covers the wires to the lights and the little darlings can't reach any of it!!!

Subject: RE: BS: Toddler proof Christmas Tree (ha ha)
From: rabbitrunning
Date: 19 Dec 00 - 10:57 PM

My mom, (five kids between 1953 and 1960) used to get short trees that would be put up on top of card tables, the whole rig set behind a couch barrier. (Back of couch faces out to toddler, creating barricade, not ladder.) Except one year, when she put the tree in the playpen instead of my brother...

Subject: RE: BS: Toddler proof Christmas Tree (ha ha)
From: catspaw49
Date: 19 Dec 00 - 11:12 PM

Ah Sinsull my dear.......We know exactly what you mean about the cat in the tree! He's gone now, but it was, for many years, the highlight of his year. We always decorated around the spot he picked. We'd put the tree up and put on the lights and wait for the rest until "THE" spot was picked. Always cracked me up and I miss him.

The boys did the ornaments this year and the tree is.....interesting. Next year will be better, but this firt year of doing it all was kinda' special.

NOW......Instead of that bra on the treetop, I still think an angel would be nice......But in staying with the "theme" above, then here's one that you might make. CLICK HERE

Spaw

Subject: RE: BS: Toddler proof Christmas Tree (ha ha)
From: Alice
Date: 19 Dec 00 - 11:17 PM

Whoever wrote the joke has the wrong time of year for the Ascension.

Subject: RE: BS: Toddler proof Christmas Tree (ha ha)
From: kimmers
Date: 20 Dec 00 - 01:02 AM

We have a true Charlie Brown Christmas Tree this year. I'm not kiddin'... Mike bought this tree because he felt sorry for it. 'Course, it was also pretty cheap.

It's about three feet tall and shaped roughly like a onion, sort of round and bulbous. It is absolutely hilarious, the funniest tree we've ever had. We don't have kids, but I can't imagine a toddler would find it nearly as interesting as the nice tall tippy top-heavy trees. Even the cats barely gave it a sniff/

Here we are in Oregon, where Christmas trees are one of our major exports, and they're still really expensive. The nice ones were $40 and up. I'll take my little onion tree, thank you.

Subject: RE: BS: Toddler proof Christmas Tree (ha ha)
From: Lyrical Lady
Date: 20 Dec 00 - 02:18 AM

When my girls were little I layed holly branches under the tree and stuffed several sprigs in the lower branches, worked great for the cats too! LL

Subject: RE: BS: Toddler proof Christmas Tree (ha ha)
From: roopoo
Date: 21 Dec 00 - 02:16 AM

Of course, hanging greenery from the ceiling is an old tradition: eg kissing boughs. Let's face it, there have always been toddlers and animals (there's a difference?), and all through time they have presented the same problems! We used to find the "barrier method" worked best with ours.

Andrea

Subject: RE: BS: Toddler proof Christmas Tree (ha ha)
From: Liz the Squeak
Date: 21 Dec 00 - 06:15 AM

Hung a kissing bough up one year, above a chair. Came in one day to find small white cat with back legs on chairback and front legs in kissing bough, a distance of about 3 1/2 feet, he'd jumped, felt insecure and was groping for a foothold. He was only about 1 ft long at the time, so the effect was rather splendid - he looked like a piece of hairy elastic that was about to go spang....

LTS

Subject: RE: BS: Toddler proof Christmas Tree (ha ha)
From: black walnut
Date: 21 Dec 00 - 12:24 PM

we used to put our christmas tree and presents INside the playpen...and keep the kid OUT of it.

~nut

Subject: RE: BS: Toddler proof Christmas Tree (ha ha)
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 22 Dec 00 - 06:02 AM

Yeah - been there with kids and cats. Oh such fun was had by me struggling in with a 6' tree, erecting it in a bucket of damp sand, weighted down with bricks, fastening the tree to 2 walls with marine strength hawsers. Thought to meself 'that'll stop the little buggers knocking it over'

It did. The kids decided it was more fun to play with the s**t the cats had left in the bucket for us instead...

Ah well. Thank heavens for Mr Johny Walker and his magical Scottish happy juice;-)

Happy times (sigh)

Best wishes for the season one and all

Dave the ho ho ho Gnome

Subject: RE: BS: Toddler proof Christmas Tree (ha ha)
From: jeffp
Date: 22 Dec 00 - 11:45 AM

Last year Bibi (the cat) had more fun chasing the lights on the wall as I was stringing the tree. This year she won't come down the stairs, but this morning she was chasing her own shadow. Sometimes I wonder about her.

jeffp