BS: Notice to the American's

Subject: Notice to the American's
From: Ferret
Date: 02 Apr 01 - 05:29 PM

An E-mail I received I think I might share with you American colonists

NOTICE OF REVOCATION OF INDEPENDENCE

To the citizens of the United States of America, In the light of your failure to elect a President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your Independence, effective today. (Even with this one you now have it amounts to the same thing)

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah, which she does not fancy. Your new prime minister (The rt. hon. Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a minister for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up "aluminium". Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up "vocabulary". Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look up "interspersed".

2. There is no such thing as "US English". We will let Microsoft know on your behalf.

3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It really isn't that hard.

4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good guys.

5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen", but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get confused and give up half way through.

6. You should stop playing American "football". There is only one kind of football. What you refer to as American "football" is not a very good game. The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays "American" football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football. Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American "football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US rugby sevens side by 2005.

7. You should declare war on Quebec and France, using nuclear weapons if they give you any merde. The 98.85% of you who were not aware that there is a world outside your borders should count yourselves lucky. The Russians have never been the bad guys. "Merde" is French for "sh*t".

8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 8th will be a new national holiday, but only in England. It will be called "Indecisive day".

9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for our own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.

10. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.

Thank you for your cooperation.

Her Majesty's Government

On behalf of

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II

All the best Ferret

Subject: RE: BS: Notice to the American's
From: GUEST,Huh?
Date: 02 Apr 01 - 05:44 PM

American's? Is it my imagination or has punctuation gone all to Hell here recently? Besides this one was done a few months ago.

Subject: RE: BS: Notice to the American's
From: Liz the Squeak
Date: 02 Apr 01 - 05:49 PM

Done to death a few months ago.......! Still funny though!

LTS

Subject: RE: BS: Notice to the American's
From: catspaw49
Date: 02 Apr 01 - 05:50 PM

Yeah........Well...............

CLICK HERE

CLICK HERE TOO

AND AGAIN HERE

WHY NOT HERE TOO?

HELL, I'M LOSING TRACK...what the fuck, try it

ENOUGH

Spaw

Subject: RE: BS: Notice to the American's
From: catspaw49
Date: 02 Apr 01 - 05:52 PM

No offense....It's funny and all that, but try checking to see if a topic has been discussed before you post it agin, or again, or again, or again..................

Spaw

Subject: RE: BS: Notice to the American's
From: mousethief
Date: 02 Apr 01 - 06:36 PM

Also learning proper spelling of simple plurals such as Americans may make persons taking swipes at the foolishness and/or stupidity of others look less foolish themselves. I think.

Subject: RE: BS: Notice to the American's
From: Ebbie
Date: 02 Apr 01 - 08:06 PM

Well, now, don't we feel good.

I'm not a particularly gentle person but even I can see that we leaped on Ferret with bayonets high. She's new, remember?

Ebbie

Subject: RE: BS: Notice to the American's
From: GUEST,#1
Date: 02 Apr 01 - 08:10 PM

Two times weren't enough? Wanna try it again?

Subject: RE: BS: Notice to the American's
From: GUEST,Huh?
Date: 02 Apr 01 - 08:19 PM

Ebbie, "She's" new? November of 1998 is new? Come on now!

Subject: RE: BS: Notice to the American's
From: GUEST,Tone d'F
Date: 02 Apr 01 - 08:37 PM

In Ferret's defense he has been offline (some say mantally as well as physically) for some time and has only just rejoined these illustrious realms

Subject: RE: BS: Notice to the American's
From: Irish sergeant
Date: 02 Apr 01 - 09:04 PM

Ferret: It was funny but we have a president. Besides, you chaps don't want the colonies back. 'twold only give you indigestion. LOL Neil

Subject: RE: BS: Notice to the American's
From: wdyat12
Date: 03 Apr 01 - 04:19 AM

Just try it Ferret. I'll meet you on the bridge.

wdyat12

Subject: RE: BS: Notice to the American's
From: wdyat12
Date: 03 Apr 01 - 04:27 AM

Ferret,

America may not be perfect and from time to time we have bad government, but we still have our guns.

wdyat12

Subject: RE: BS: Notice to the American's
From: sledge
Date: 03 Apr 01 - 04:56 AM

So do the kids in the schools.

Subject: RE: BS: Notice to the American's
From: gnu
Date: 03 Apr 01 - 05:03 AM

I got a couple of chuckles, so it was worth it for me because I never saw the others, which I will try to view soon, thanks ( very much ) to Spaw.

wdyat12... re guns. I recall signing off on a recent thread about GWB by saying something to the effect of, "See ya in Iraq.", but I guess I should have said, "See ya in China."

apprehensivegnu

Subject: RE: BS: Notice to the American's
From: wdyat12
Date: 03 Apr 01 - 05:30 AM

sledge, I am an American who does not own a gun, but I can still get one. I wish I could send you and all Mudcatters the transcript from the Senate hearings on Columbine that I received today from another American non gunowner and Mudcat guest. I will try to send in a PM to you and if you can figure out how to post the link on Mudcat, I would be greatfull. The gist of the link was a Father's message to the Senate, that he thought that a gun did not kill his daughter, but that the legislating of God out of our society was the cause. He came down hard on them. The media never picked up on it. I will try to send it to you now. I never lost a child to this kind of tragedy, but I have lost one to another kind of tragedy.

Thanks,

wdyat12

Subject: RE: BS: Notice to the American's
From: CRANKY YANKEE
Date: 03 Apr 01 - 06:56 AM

do we have to go all through this again? I thought we were buddies. If this attempt at reconciliation doesn't work, read the third and fourth verses of our national anthem. (yes there are 4) If you can't find it in a book resurrect "American National anthem" in this forum and read my contribution. I know you'r trying to be funny, and don't really mean it, but, find another reason to reclaim "your American Colonies" The subject of our last Presidenial election is not very funny to a lot of us. Now getting back to the tongue in cheek.
What are you going to do about The State of Rhode Island and Providence Plantations? (Our official name, there're only three communities on Rhode Island proper, Newport, Middletown and Portsmouth) King Charles II gave us complete autonomy, There was no appointmment of a Royal Governor, we elected ours. The King referred to this as a "Lively Experiment" and only requested that we pay lip service o his sovereignty. WE MADE THIS STICK BY FORCE OF ARMS when the British Revenue ship "Gaspee" chased Abraham Whipple's vessell "Hannah" into Naragansett Bay. (Rhode Island Territorial waters). "Hannah" knew the bay alot better than the Caspe's crew did, and, Hannah had a much shallower daught. So, they lured "Gaspee" over a sand bar at "flood tide" in the middle of a lunar cycle, where it stuck hard aground. Abraham Whipple was also sheriff of Kent Country. That night, He led his "deputies" in several rowboats, over to the "Gaspee" and called out this undying quote, "I am the sheriff of Kent County, GOD DAMN YOU. I've come to arrest you, GOD DAMN YOU. SO SURRENDER, GOD DAMN YOU". And, they did. Realizing that they had sailed into an independent country's territory. By extreme accident, one of "Gaspee's" Officers was killed when a Royal Marine's musket inadvertently fired. His body was taken ashore and buried with full military honors, (both British and Rhode Islander) iin "Trinity" Churchyard on Spring St. in Newport. The story doesn't end here. In HMS Rose's log (the original HMS Rose) entered during our war of independence, Capt Wallace noted that he's sent a note to Abraham Whipple saying that as Whipple had seized and destroyed (,they burned it to the waterline) HM Revenue vessel, "Gaspee", "For this act of piracy I shall hang you from a yardarsm". Capt. Whipple (who, by then, had become the first Officer in the fledgeling American Navy) replied, "My Dear Capt. Wallace, always catch your pirates before you hang them" Wallace, being a very fair person, also entered this in the log. HMS Rose, flagship of the fleet who's orders were to "de-populate" the City of Newport with as little violence as possible. (After all they were mostly English and Portugese Jews, who upon petition from their quaker neighbors had been granted the same rights as Englishmen) This Capt Wallace almost succeeded in doing, for instance, he'd send a foraging party into Newpoprt for some chickens, nobody'd sell them any, Rose and the others pulled up broadside to Newport, ran out their guns and sent the foraging party into town again. They came back with chickens, but, a few more families left town and took a boat for the "Plantations". The only time any of the fleet actually fired a shot was also over "Chickens", or maybe it was sheep, whatever. The'd sent a foraging party into Bristol (which is not on the island) got no sheep, fired a shot or two into the town, they knocked the bell out of a steeple and the topmast off a packet. (this is preserved in song) and one old gent died of a heart attack.
And then, there's this problem. You mention our national , "Declaration of Independence" which the Rhode Island delegation also signed. But, We had already officially declared our independence on May, 4th, two months previously. We still celebrate Rhode Island Independence day. It's an official; State Holliday, and he Proclaimation is read every year, from the steps of "Colony House" (used to be our capitol) in Newport, by the Commander of the Newport Artillery Regiment, (in 1776 uniform) Anyway, what I'm getting at is, we could prob ably take you on ourse;lves and save the rest of the colonies (including Utah) the trouble.
But Seriously folks, Give our love to Good Queen Bess, and tell her she's always in our thoughts. And, by the way, I'll bet YOU can't distinguish the accents of Devonshire and parts of Western Massachusets.
Jody Gibson

Subject: RE: BS: Notice to the American's
From: Gervase
Date: 03 Apr 01 - 07:13 AM

...to the American's what?

Subject: RE: BS: Notice to the American's
From: Mooh
Date: 03 Apr 01 - 09:21 AM

This reminds me of a festival whose host community provides chairs with the Parks Department marked on the back of each as "PARK,S". It drives me nuts! Mooh.

Subject: RE: BS: Notice to the American's
From: wdyat12
Date: 03 Apr 01 - 10:02 AM

gnu,

Maybe you should have said see you in the revolution.

Wdyat12

Subject: RE: BS: Notice to the American's
From: Bill D
Date: 03 Apr 01 - 10:22 AM

the good thing about the Internet (email, newsgroups & BBS lists) and the WWW (everything else)...is that interesting & funny things can be distributed to enormous numbers of people in a very short time.

The bad thing about the Internet and WWW ...is that interesting & funny things can be distributed to enormous numbers of people in a very short time, whether or not it has already been done.

Can you say "geometric progression"?

Subject: RE: BS: Notice to the American's
From: Bagpuss
Date: 03 Apr 01 - 10:32 AM

Well here's a newer one (taken from The Guardian last week)

Bagpuss

This means war

Now that George Bush has found out the Kyoto agreement is about emissions reduction and might annoy his oil chums back in Texas, he has done what the world had feared: torn it up. But if he thinks there is nothing we can do about it, then he is sorely mistaken. Stephen Moss suggests some sanctions

Guardian

Friday March 30, 2001

Arms

Britain should immediately withdraw its Tornado from Iraq and refuse to take part in any further bombing missions, no matter how many shiny new missiles we are promised. Nato should suspend the US, invite Russia to take its place and establish no-fly zones in the north and south of America. (OK, let's say over Nantucket for starters: we don't want to be too ambitious.) Support should be given to any coherent anti-Bush groups that may develop in Washington, though at present there is little evidence of effective opposition groups in the capital. US air bases in the UK should be closed and weedkiller sprinkled on the airmen's golf courses.

Sport

All sporting contacts should cease immediately. Pete Sampras will not be permitted to win Wimbledon for the eighth time, and even Jack Straw will accept that Mike Tyson should not be allowed into the country. Tiger Woods will be allowed to compete in the Open, but will have to play blindfold. He will still win, but we shall have made our point.

Baseball, basketball and American football will be treated as the ludicrous, TV-dominated non-events they are. The term "World Series" to describe a contest between teams from rival American leagues is henceforth banned. We will continue to ignore Nascar racing and the Indianapolis 500. No wrestling will be shown in the UK, no matter how obscure the channel. Continuous coverage of the Ashes will be beamed to the US to demonstrate the historic wrong turning they made by opting for baseball in the middle of the 19th century.

History

It will be pointed out that the US was late arriving for both world wars, and that we had already softened up the oppo. We could have won the American war of independence if we had really been trying, and if our boys hadn't insisted on wearing red coats which made them such easy targets. As for the Spanish-American war, we imagine Spain could have won that too, but we can't be certain as we have no idea when it took place or what they were fighting about. (1) History books will also make it clear that Ulysses S Grant was a drunk with an outrageous name who took an age to subdue numerically inferior forces in the American civil war. Basically, count it as a win for the South, which will (with a bit of assistance from fifth columnists funded by MI6) rise again.

Film and TV

There will be a blanket boycott, except for films by the Coen Brothers, any half-decent new movie by Quentin Tarantino, and anything with Billy Bob Thornton. All references to the Oscars will be banned. Clearly, this will mean newspapers will be very restricted in size, and many supplements will disappear altogether, but these are difficult times and we must all make sacrifices. No US TV will be permitted except the Simpsons, Sex and the City, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Frasier and Friends. All repeats are prohibited. Blockbusters is out of bounds while sanctions are in force.

T*m C***se

No mentions under any circumstances. This is punishable by five years in prison or a fortnight spent watching Eyes Wide Shut, Mission Impossible (I and II), Top Gun, Days of Thunder and Cocktail, whichever punishment is deemed the worse. (2)

Music (pop)

White rap music will be banned. Yes, we know that means Eminem. And, yes, we know that he has been compared to Shakespeare by some respected literary figures. But in any war there are victims. Henceforth the only white American rapper permitted is Vanilla Ice, precisely because he is rubbish. Vanilla's collected works will helpfully confirm to us the complete and utter worthlessness of US culture. English musicians will be discouraged from singing in American accents. Large speakers will be put up along the Mexican and Canadian borders which will broadcast the Clash's I'm So Bored With The USA at regular intervals.

Music (classical)

No more John Adams operas will be produced, especially those staged by Peter Sellers. So what if that means we won't hear Nixon in China or The Death of Klinghoffer? We can sing-a-long with Harrison Birtwistle instead. Barber's Adagio will also be banned, especially that dreadful dance music version by William Orbit. This will mean long periods of silence on Classic FM, but we all have our crosses to bear.

Expulsions

We are sorry that some innocent individuals will be caught up in this imbroglio, but frankly you started this. When that rich bloke appointed ambassador by Bush arrives, he should be detained on arrival, frisked at Heathrow, Diana Ross-style and then sent back on an economy flight via New Delhi. All US embassy staff above second secretary level will be expelled; they're probably just spying on the Russians anyway. Ruby Wax, Paul Gambaccini and Loyd Grossman will also have to go. Madonna can stay as long as she can persuade Guy Ritchie to stop making gangster films (better still, any films). Bob Kiley can definitely stay, ideally becoming mayor of London and/or secretary of state for transport in 2003.

Withdrawals

All of the following will be asked to leave the US: Anthony Hopkins, Michael Caine, Ridley Scott, Catherine Zeta Jones (and Michael Douglas if he wants to leave), Tina Brown, Lisa Snowdon (3), Amanda de Cadenet, Christopher Hitchens and Frank McCourt. Salman Rushdie will be asked to speed up his move and make radio broadcasts on the awfulness of life in New York. (4)

Apparel

Obviously, as the prime minister would say, we will no longer buy anything from Gap, especially those shapeless blue tops that schoolchildren wear instead of uniforms. Tommy Hilfiger is also banned, not that we could afford any of his stuff anyway. Ditto DKNY, whoever they might be. All Calvin Klein clothes are banned with the exception of underwear. Nike trainers are permitted because they are made in the developing world, but people will be encouraged to scrawl graffiti over the company's ads. We will insist on the removal of the Union Jack from all Reebok trainers. Baseball caps may not be worn, especially by prominent political figures. Anyone wearing them back to front will be interned.

Coffee

It is probably too late to stage a boycott of US-style coffee bars as they account for some 40% of British GDP, so we will need to employ guerrilla tactics. When using Starbucks, refuse to say "tall", "grande", "vente", or any of the other silly names. Say small, medium and large in a posh, supercilious voice. If the pony-tailed assistant encourages you to have a good day, push a full-fat blueberry muffin into his/her face. If newspapers are available on the premises, spread the pages over the floor and all the tables. Never under any circumstances buy in- store mugs, games or CDs.

Cars

Vehicles made by Ford and General Motors will be banned. That will have the useful side effect of relieving traffic jams in the UK, showing what really can be achieved to counter pollution.

Restitution

Obviously, we want London Bridge and the Queen Mary back. France insists on the return of all Renoirs. The Netherlands is happy for the US to keep its Van Go's, but it would definitely like its Van Goghs back. Germany says the US can keep its paintings, but can no longer perform Wagner at the Met. Britain will go to the UN to reclaim Virginia, which was never formally ceded by George III and still belongs to the family of Lord Fairfax. We might as well take Florida too, given that so many Brits go there on holiday. (5) Disneyland will be dismantled and Mickey Mouse memorabilia sent to the Taliban for safe-keeping. The US will also be banned from using our copyrighted place names. New York, Boston, Birmingham (Alabama) and Manchester (New Hampshire) must be erased from all maps, or there will be real trouble.

Language

Nothing can henceforth be described as "cool". "Dude", "man" and "babe" are also proscribed. Trick or treating will be banned. There can be no references to Thanksgiving, the Fourth of July, or Superbowl. Anybody found finishing sentences in the American manner, rising to an interrogative, y'know?, will be subject to an on-the-spot fine. Grammatical redundancies such as "like, you know" and "duh" (except when used by, or quoting, Homer Simpson) will also be punishable. "Hoes" or "trim" must never be applied to women. Hoes, as we all know, are garden implements and trim is something one does to one's hedge on a Sunday afternoon.

Notes

(1) We think it had something to do with New Mexico, but invite contributions to Corrections and Clarifications.

(2) Of course people will opt for prison, but it is important to provide alternatives.

(3) George Clooney's girlfriend. Annoy George and you annoy America.

(4) It is important that no one tells Phil Collins about the policy of selective withdrawal. It should also be said that Amanda de Cadenet was a close call.

(5) Though there will be no official ban, Britons will be discouraged from visiting the US for the duration of these sanctions. Anyone who does visit will be expected to drive on the left.

Subject: RE: BS: Notice to the American's
From: mousethief
Date: 03 Apr 01 - 10:52 AM

Yawn.

Subject: RE: BS: Notice to the American's
From: Les from Hull
Date: 03 Apr 01 - 11:06 AM

There's no benefit in banning everything ever produced by the United States of America. Can't we just ban Dubya and his cronies? I realise that this will put extra strain on citizens of the USA having them around all the time, but perhaps more people will realise what Dubya is like and vote for somebody else next time.

Or perhaps we all ought to go there on our holidays and fart a lot? Hehehe.

Les

Subject: RE: BS: Notice to the American's
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 03 Apr 01 - 11:46 AM

Bagpuss, as a proud patriot of the United States I have to salute and appreciate MOST of your announced policy changes. About 95% of them will be great for the USA. The rest are pretty neutral.

Dave Oesterreich

Subject: RE: BS: Notice to the American's
From: GUEST,Bruce O.
Date: 03 Apr 01 - 11:47 AM

Actaully I felt sorry for the Brits in the 1st half of the 20th century. Many of their rare books were bought by Folger and Huntington, and were unavailable to them. Now to see them you only need a Ph. D, or if an advanced grad student, a stong reccommendation from your departmental thesis advisor.

The 1st editon of 'The Merry Medley, or a Christmas Box for Gay Gallants and Good Companions', vols of 1744 and 1745 are both in the US. The 2nd vol of a reprint of vol 2 is in the USA. England has only a reprint of the 1st volume. Kele's 'Christmas Caroles', c 1550' is in the USA. 'Churchyard's Chance', (with the song "In peascod time"), 1580, -2 copies, both in USA. Robert Armin's 'Fool Upon Fool' (with part of song "Derry's Fair"), unique copies of 1600 and 1604 editions are in USA. Expanded editon, 'A Nest of Ninnies', 1608 - 1 copy at Oxford, the other in USA.

Subject: RE: BS: Notice to the American's
From: GUEST
Date: 10 Apr 01 - 12:33 AM

LOL tell it my 2 freinds!

one's romainian he's related to Mikhal Kalashnakov the other is a german immigrant by way of Sweden. he's a little old (101) but he throws a 131 grn bullet with MOA accuracy.

Subject: RE: BS: Notice to the American's
From: GUEST,JTT
Date: 10 Apr 01 - 04:19 AM

Actually, the Irish now rule the world.

Think about it: over centuries the Irish emigrated or were transported to the West Indies, Van Diemen's Land and the Americas. Now their descendants are the most powerful people in the world.

Subject: RE: BS: Notice to the American's
From: kendall
Date: 10 Apr 01 - 07:09 AM

The fact is, Hiram s. Grant was NOT a drunk. He was seen taking a drink while in the depths of depression (before the war) and his enemies spread that lie. You cant blame him for the war dragging on. For one thing, Robert E. Lee was by far the best soldier on either side. So, who did Lincoln send to oppose Lee? That asshole McLellan, along with other useless officers. Grant took Vicksburg, a nearly impossible feat, and, it was all over for the rebels from that day on. after Vicksburg, he was sent to fight Lee and the rest is history. As for Britain losing the war of independence, there were many factors at work there. It was not popular back home, suppy lines were impossibly long, they were fighting on the enemys field, and, she was stretched too thin at the time. The revolution was just one of the fights she was in. Last, but, not least, they were fighting old world style against snipers in the woods. Very similar to what we were up against in Viet Nam.

Subject: RE: BS: Notice to the American's
From: Gervase
Date: 10 Apr 01 - 08:21 AM

Hey you guys, if it wasn't for us Brits, you'd all be speaking French or Dutch.
(Apologies for stooping to that, but I needed to let off steam after I had a guy the other day buttonhole me in the pub and use stock US anti-limey quip no. 354/2 - "If it hadn't been for us in dubbya dubbya two, you'd be speaking German")
Boring really, isn't it?
We're all in the same or similar boats, it seems - decent people rubbing along with each other, apprehensive about the rise of intolerance, wanting a better world for our kids and hoping our team wins. Just a shame about the governments we sometimes inflict upon ourselves.