BS: Give us more PUNishment! (Puns II)

Subject: RE: BS: Give us more PUNishment! (Puns II)
From: GUEST,Phillip
Date: 27 Apr 01 - 07:18 PM

What do you get if you cross a dyslexic, an insomniac, and an agnostic?

Someone who lays awake at night wondering if there really is a dog!

Subject: RE: BS: Give us more PUNishment! (Puns II)
From: Mr Red
Date: 27 Apr 01 - 07:07 PM

Pundits delight?

Subject: RE: BS: Give us more PUNishment! (Puns II)
From: Lanfranc
Date: 27 Apr 01 - 06:56 PM

Rachel, a good Jewish girl, and Patrick, a good Irish Catholic lad, fell madly in love. Despite family objections they married in a registry office on a beatiful springlike afternoon in early March.

They went away on their honeymoon, and checked in to the bridal suite in a romantic hotel on a desert island.

Everything was perfect, the champagne was on ice, the strawberries filled the cut glass bowl, the room was filled with delicately-scented roses and the kingsize fourposter bed was made up with silk and satin sheets.

They had saved themselves for this moment, and both were virgins (remember virgins!), although they had both researched the required activity in books and through the internet, so they knew what to do.

Rachel removed her going-away outfit in a slow, sultry and sexy way, as she had seen it done by others, until she stood there, beautiful and naked with her nipples standing out like chapel hat-pegs in the airconditioned cool of the room.

Patrick, in turn, slipped out of his Armani suit, his Turnbull and Asser shirt and his Y-fronts, and stood there before her, a proud example of Celtic manhood.

"Oh, Patrick, Patrick, make love to me now!" cried Rachel.

"Oh, Rachel, if only I could!" he moaned.

"What on earth's the matter?" she sighed.

"It's Lent!", he replied.

"To whom, for how long, and at what rate of interest?" demanded Rachel.

Subject: RE: BS: Give us more PUNishment! (Puns II)
From: catspaw49
Date: 27 Apr 01 - 06:41 PM

Gawd MT....I'd totally forgotten that "Classic."

AND MICCA---that was completely without redeeming value!!!

Spaw

Subject: RE: BS: Give us more PUNishment! (Puns II)
From: mousethief
Date: 27 Apr 01 - 06:16 PM

I'm surprised nobody's told this one.

Sam Clam and Ollie Oyster were best friends all their lives. They ate together, slept together, played together -- let's face it, they were really together.

Then, horribly, one day they die.

For reasons which aren't relevant to the story, Sam Clam goes to hell, and Ollie Oyster goes to heaven.

Ollie Oyster checks into heaven, gets his wings, his harp, and starts to get a little bored, if the truth be told.

Meanwhile Sam Clam goes to Hell and becomes, after a little wheeling and dealing, the proprietor of a dance club. Apparently in this particular circle of Hell, souls whose mortal sin was not dancing enough while on earth are forced to dance for eternity to endless tape loops of 1970's disco music. Badly edited.

After a while Ollie applies for permission to visit Hell, and see his buddy Sam.

Permission is granted, and he trips off down the Stairway to Heaven (see, this is musically related!) (actually if you're tripping DOWN it would be the Stairway FROM Heaven, but let's not get technical). After a little asking around, he finds his best earthly friend, Sam.

They have a good chat, but suddenly Ollie glances at his Rolex (you get those with your wings; I forgot to mention) and sees his furlough is about to expire. Heedless of Sam's goodbyes, he pumps it as fast as his little shell can take him, back up the stairway to heaven, and through the Pearly Gates, just as they're closing for the evening.

"Haven't you forgotten something?" booms a magesterial voice.

"Oh no!" Ollie cries.........

(cue music)

I left my harp in Sam Clam's disco...

Subject: RE: BS: Give us more PUNishment! (Puns II)
From: Micca
Date: 27 Apr 01 - 06:06 PM

One day Dracula is walking down the street when suddenly 10 tons of smoked salmon sandwiches, bridge rolls, pitted olives, chicken wings, chipolatas, tomato salad, pizza slices and crisps falls on him from a great height and knocks him to the ground.

"Oh no!" he gasps with his dying breath... "It's Buffet the Vampire Slayer!"

Subject: Give us more PUNishment! (Puns II)
From: mousethief
Date: 27 Apr 01 - 05:44 PM

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Continuing THIS fine thread!