Musicians don't date musicians?

Subject: Musicians don't date musicians?
From: Greenbean
Date: 11 Jul 01 - 08:07 PM

Hi all! I reckon I've been lurking long enough; I've only posted once so far, but I've been impressed with both the information & the sense of community on Mudcat & would like to step forward & say howdy, finally! Got a question for you experienced types; what's your take on dating other musicians, like the ones you play with frequently? Does ANYONE have a success story? Or should I just duck & cover? I guess this sort of relates to the "how to deal w/problems in a group" thread.

Subject: RE: Musicians don't date musicians?
From: Robin2
Date: 11 Jul 01 - 08:19 PM

Welcome Greenbean!

I'm new too (just a few weeks), so I'm happy to be the first to say howdy!

As far as dating musicians, go for it! My hubby of 28 years and I have been playing in the same band since 1986. I think other musicians understand what it's like, and are less likely to go ballistic when you've played out for the 12th straight weekend, or come straggling home at 5 am!
Just my 2 cents worth *smile*
Again, welcome!
Robin

Subject: RE: Musicians don't date musicians?
From: paddymac
Date: 11 Jul 01 - 09:00 PM

I recall reading that genealogy and music are the two most popular hobbies in the US. If you didn't allow yourself to date people who engaged in the same hobby as yourself, seems like you'd excluding a significant segment of the available pool. I think that there's a lot to be said about shared interests (most of it positive). But, fish where you will.

Subject: RE: Musicians don't date musicians?
From: Susan A-R
Date: 11 Jul 01 - 10:21 PM

Met my hsuband over Walshe's hornpipe, and although he turned out to be a classical guy, we have managed over both folk and classical quite well for 15 years. He espects a lot when putting music together, and we've had to work at it (well mostly I've had to work at it.) I do think that similar quality expectations may be important if you actually plan to perform together (double entendre intended)

Have fun!

Susan A-$

Subject: RE: Musicians don't date musicians?
From: Bsondahl
Date: 11 Jul 01 - 10:31 PM

This is a corollary of my much-in-little-- All artists must have a designated responsible income person (DRIP) to fend off the real world.

In other words, musicians aren't financially compatible. Or are too likely to both be... broke.

So go find a levelheaded accountant... Brad http://pages.about.com/bsondahl

Subject: RE: Musicians don't date musicians?
From: Gary T
Date: 11 Jul 01 - 10:58 PM

Dating anyone in a group that gets together often carries the risk that there will be repercussions from an unpleasant breakup. These can include discomfort on the part of one or both daters (possibly to the point of one leaving the group) and the group polarizing, taking sides. It's an issue worth considering. Having said that, my general inclination is "go for it"--love and romance are special and important parts of life, and I like the idea of being open to all possibilities.

If the potential paramour is a fellow member of a working band, other important parts of life--e.g. earning a living--need to be given their fair share of thought.

Subject: RE: Musicians don't date musicians?
From: Gary T
Date: 11 Jul 01 - 11:02 PM

Oh yeah--I think good pairings include having some things in common and other things different between you. It's nice to have the common ground (or at least some of it) established.

Subject: RE: Musicians don't date musicians?
From: Phil Cooper
Date: 11 Jul 01 - 11:19 PM

My singing partner and I are not romantically involved (have been playing together for close to 20 years). We figured that it was easier to do a good show if you weren't arguing about who's parents to spend Christmas with. Margaret and I are good friends, however. Dating musicians does work, though in my case it really takes work. I was involved with another musician (who was not part of the band) who said she didn't have a problem with me travelling with someone else. Turns out she did. My significant other of the past 12 years is also a songwriter in her own right and does not have a problem with me travelling with Margaret. In fact Susan and I have to book weekends for recreational trips like we would gigs (otherwise you wind up home on a free weekend, and she's off somewhere else).

Subject: RE: Musicians don't date musicians?
From: John P
Date: 12 Jul 01 - 12:00 AM

My first wife was a non-musician and was jealous of the time and care I gave to being a musician. Now I'm married to a musician I met when she joined a band I was in. We ended up leaving that band and performing as a duet. Gigs are easy to arrange because we have the same social calendar, and we have about the same commitment to the music. She is very understanding if I disappear for hours to work on a new tune. Our fans pretty much know we're married and we play on the spouse thing in our stage banter.

Downsides include not having anyone at home to take of the cats and plants when we go on the road; neither of us being willing to take a good paying job that would preclude getting time off to go on the road; and the ability to talk each other out of practicing (we don't miss practices when we are working up things with other people). We spent a few years learning how to keep marital clashes out of the music and musical disagreements out of the marraige.

The warnings that others have given about endangering a functioning band by risking a messy break-up are worth keeping in mind. I thought about that when I started courting Anna, but quickly decided that there was not much chance that, having met her, I wouldn't be getting married to her. It seemed like a sure thing, so I risked all the potential unpleasantness. We've been performing together for 18 years now.

John

Subject: RE: Musicians don't date musicians?
From: Peter Kasin
Date: 12 Jul 01 - 04:20 AM

When you both have a passion for the same kind of music, there's already a bond that can carry over very well into a relationship. You'll also both be much more likely to deal with each other's musicians hours, something that can be a real problem if one is a musician and the other isn't.

Subject: RE: Musicians don't date musicians?
From: Naemanson
Date: 12 Jul 01 - 04:43 AM

My ex-wife is not a musician and never understood my interest/need. I thnk she too was jealous of the time I spent with my musician friends. My last SO is a musician and storyteller. When she left me for another musician and storyteller my world collapsed. But there was no polarization of friends/group members. There was no long term destruction. I did spend the better part of a year and a half avoiding the two of them but I have things back on track now and have become friends with them again.

When I find another woman to love, I hope she is a musician. You need to have something in common with your SO and there could be nothing better than music.

Subject: RE: Musicians don't date musicians?
From: Ella who is Sooze
Date: 12 Jul 01 - 05:16 AM

I agree with Naemason... You've got to have something in common!

So, someone with a bit of an interest in your music choice would help a load...

Ella

Subject: RE: Musicians don't date musicians?
From: Louisa
Date: 12 Jul 01 - 05:41 AM

Hi

I think going out with other musicians is a great idea cos it means you've got an interest you can share - and if you're doing gigs that your partner will understand and that 'you'd rather go out and play than see me' thing doesn't happen.

I think I would probably avoid playing in a band with my boyfriend though

Louisa

Subject: RE: Musicians don't date musicians?
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 12 Jul 01 - 05:51 AM

I've never even tried! How do you do it? Cut them in half and count the rings? Just count their teeth? What? Why are you looking at me like that???

muttermuttermuttermuttermuttermuttermutter

Dave the Gnome

Subject: RE: Musicians don't date musicians?
From: Kjell
Date: 12 Jul 01 - 06:03 AM

My sister married a fine singer, turned out to be an egotist. Not a very happy union
I on the other hand married a fiddle player, happy for 15 years
Kjell

Subject: RE: Musicians don't date musicians?
From: Celtic Soul
Date: 12 Jul 01 - 06:04 AM

Success stories: Al Petteway and Amy White.

I think the failure rate is higher than the success rate though. But that could merely be evidence of relationship failure in general, and have nothing to do with musician relationships specifically.

I think that working with your lover in *any* field is probably more challenging to the relationship, as you are adding more and differing areas of stress to the relationship that would not be there if you were not working together.

Love and kisses, Dr. Ruth ;D

Subject: RE: Musicians don't date musicians?
From: Naemanson
Date: 12 Jul 01 - 06:20 AM

Well, there is a down side. Artists, including musicians, seem to be more sensitive and easier hurt than non-artists. If you have TWO people like that in a relationship the result could be deadly!

Subject: RE: Musicians don't date musicians?
From: kendall
Date: 12 Jul 01 - 06:57 AM

Definition of a band...A bunch of individuals, each one convinced that the others are holding him/her back.

Subject: RE: Musicians don't date musicians?
From: SINSULL
Date: 12 Jul 01 - 09:12 AM

Kendall - I thought that was your definition of marriage????

Subject: RE: Musicians don't date musicians?
From: JeZeBeL
Date: 12 Jul 01 - 03:13 PM

I don't think there is a problem at all with dating other musicians you play with regularly...I've dated a couple in the past and it's great. You can sit and play tunes together, you have something totally in common that you can share and I think in a whole it brings you closer together. I'm only 20 I know, but I've had bad experiences cos ex boyfs haven't understood my love of music even before I was a folk musician, when I used to be a trumpet player.

Just sit back and relax and let it flow. If it happens and it works and it's good then go with it. That's the only advice I can really give you.

Emma xxx

Subject: RE: Musicians don't date musicians?
From: GUEST,shona
Date: 12 Jul 01 - 03:24 PM

me and my boyfriend play in the same band with loads of other musicians our age. we get on great and the others dont mind at all! i think its cool that you have like another huge subject you can talk about and share like music coz with a non-musician you just dont get that.

Subject: RE: Musicians don't date musicians?
From: Gypsy
Date: 12 Jul 01 - 07:47 PM

Wellllll...have been with the handsome guitarist/mando player for 25 years now. And we still make beautiful music together.

Subject: RE: Musicians don't date musicians?
From: Greycap
Date: 12 Jul 01 - 08:21 PM

Met my missus in a folk club in England. A slight problem, she was already engaged -I cunningly waited 3 weeks-proposed to her - that was 36 years ago - we are still doing just fine. She sings Irish trad & old-timey US - me too, If you like 'em - date 'em. Try it out.

Subject: RE: Musicians don't date musicians?
From: kendall
Date: 12 Jul 01 - 09:27 PM

Sinsull, I never said that! What I said was, Marriage is like a warm bath. It's not too long when you realize that it's not so hot.

Marraige is like a banquet with dessert at the beginning. Alimony, Bounty on the mutiney.

Subject: RE: Musicians don't date musicians?
From:
Date: 13 Jul 01 - 12:18 AM

I know of at least one marriage, which resulted from two musicians dating. Neither worked extensively together but only on occasion.

They've been married for 8 months now, but had been doing the Long Distance relationship for about 2 years.

Subject: RE: Musicians don't date musicians?
From: CRANKY YANKEE
Date: 13 Jul 01 - 03:14 AM

I met My Darling Donna, the scintillating guitar and banjo picking, song writer extraordinaire and Raving Beauty in 1968.I was gainfully employed as a folk singer at the legendary, "Black Pearl Tavern" in our hometown of Newport, Rhode Island, USA. She was a waitress at the abovenamed establishment. We fell into eachother's arms at first sight (absolute truth) and have been together ever since, Married in 1970 in Lunenburgh Nova Scotia while we were doing the original rigging on the (then ) brand new, full size and accurate replica of the 18th century 20 gun warship, "H.M.S. Rose"

Our Marriage license describes me as a "Divorced Boatswain" and Donna as a "Spinster Sailor"

My friend and (now) favorite singer, Kevin Sullivan, is married to a fantastic "as good as James Gallway", flutist and singer. sThey are new at this business. What? You never heard of them? YOU WILL, AND VERY SHORTLY!!!

Subject: RE: Musicians don't date musicians?
From: English Jon
Date: 13 Jul 01 - 05:53 AM

Last girl I went out with didn't do the music thing. All ended in tears. Mind you, she was a complete fruitcake. Glad to be rid of her, to be honest.

EJ

Subject: RE: Musicians don't date musicians?
From: GUEST,Tricky
Date: 13 Jul 01 - 06:01 AM

Musicians do date musicians but only in secret!!!