BS: The Definition of a true gentleman

Subject: The Definition of a true gentleman
From: GUEST,Nick
Date: 02 Aug 01 - 09:37 AM

Here is something my father has told me... The definition of a true gentelman is one who knows how to play the accordian, but refrains from doing so.

Do you have any other accordian/instrument cheap shots to share?

Subject: RE: BS: The Definition of a true gentleman
From: GUEST,Roger the skiffler
Date: 02 Aug 01 - 09:42 AM

You can tell when the stage is level: the drummer/banjo player/kazoo player (insert own choice!) drools out of both sides of his mouth.
RtS

Subject: RE: BS: The Definition of a true gentleman
From: The_one_and_only_Dai
Date: 02 Aug 01 - 09:48 AM

Perfect Pitch: The ability to throw a banjo into a dustbin without touching the sides.

Subject: RE: BS: The Definition of a true gentleman
From: pavane
Date: 02 Aug 01 - 10:13 AM

There are HUNDREDS here:
Music jokes

Subject: RE: BS: The Definition of a true gentleman
From: SharonA
Date: 02 Aug 01 - 10:13 AM

I thought perfect pitch was when you threw the banjo and it hit the accordion.

Subject: RE: BS: The Definition of a true gentleman
From: The_one_and_only_Dai
Date: 02 Aug 01 - 10:14 AM

touchè...

Subject: RE: BS: The Definition of a true gentleman
From: pavane
Date: 02 Aug 01 - 10:15 AM

The definition of a cultured gentleman is someone who can listen to the William Tell overture all the way through without once thinking of the Lone Ranger

Subject: RE: BS: The Definition of a true gentleman
From: Ralphie
Date: 02 Aug 01 - 10:19 AM

I quite like the latest New York crime wave
Drive - By Viola recitals
Ralphie

Subject: RE: BS: The Definition of a true gentleman
From: GUEST,Phillip
Date: 02 Aug 01 - 10:20 AM

Q: If you see a banjo and an accordion in the road ahead of you, which one do you run over?

A: The accordion. Business before pleasure!

Subject: RE: BS: The Definition of a true gentleman
From: M.Ted
Date: 02 Aug 01 - 10:34 AM

Not an instrument joke, but from Oscar Wilde. "A gentleman never offends without meaning to.."

Subject: RE: BS: The Definition of a true gentleman
From: Clinton Hammond
Date: 02 Aug 01 - 10:38 AM

Everytime I hear the William Tell overture all I can think of is A Clockwork Orange!!

LOL!!!

Subject: RE: BS: The Definition of a true gentleman
From: kendall
Date: 02 Aug 01 - 10:48 AM

A gentleman is one who bears his weight on his elbows.

Subject: RE: BS: The Definition of a true gentleman
From: Mr Red
Date: 02 Aug 01 - 02:44 PM

the difference between a melodeon player and a dressmaker?
Well one tucks up your frills

how many melodeon players does it take to change a light bulb?
it depends wheter you are pushing or pulling.

Subject: RE: BS: The Definition of a true gentleman
From: pavane
Date: 02 Aug 01 - 03:47 PM

And what's the difference between an accordion and a melodeon?

Accordions burn longer

(From a melodeon player)

Subject: RE: BS: The Definition of a true gentleman
From: Mr Red
Date: 02 Aug 01 - 05:06 PM

Accordian to who?

Subject: RE: BS: The Definition of a true gentleman
From: Liz the Squeak
Date: 02 Aug 01 - 05:28 PM

A true gentleman is one who refrains from making personal comments on the size of your arse......

LTS

Subject: RE: BS: The Definition of a true gentleman
From: Kim C
Date: 02 Aug 01 - 05:33 PM

I've heard it this way: a gentleman is one who knows how to yodel but refrains from doing so in public.

So I guess I'm not a gentleman. ;-)

Subject: RE: BS: The Definition of a true gentleman
From: Phil Cooper
Date: 02 Aug 01 - 06:10 PM

I'd always heard a gentleman and bagpipes comparison.

What's the proper pitch of a cittern?

75 feet with a good back swing.

Subject: RE: BS: The Definition of a true gentleman
From: Phil Cooper
Date: 02 Aug 01 - 06:17 PM

My significant other told me this one years ago. A very newly rich man from the United States (aquiring wealth oil drilling from your favorite western oil state) was in London on business. He heard that a proper gentleman should join one of those exclusive buisnessmen's clubs. Having the money to do so, he joined, and was sitting at the bar. Not being used to the rather reserved atmosphere he struck up a conversation with the man next to him at the bar:

"Sir, I would like to make your aquaintance," he drawls, ",may I buy you a drink?"

The other man says: "Oh, alcoholic spirits, I tried some once, didn't like it."

"Then, may I interest you in a cigar.?"

"Oh, tobaco, in my younger days I tried some in India, didn't like it."

"Would you be interested in a game of cards?"

"I played a game of chance in the military, didn't like it. But, my son is coming soon, perhaps you could interest him in a game."

"An only child, I presume?"

Subject: RE: BS: The Definition of a true gentleman
From: kendall
Date: 02 Aug 01 - 10:07 PM

That is a great story, so good, I used it on SEAGULLS & SUMMERPEOPLE 25 years ago!

Subject: RE: BS: The Definition of a true gentleman
From: Phil Cooper
Date: 02 Aug 01 - 10:26 PM

glad they get around

Subject: RE: BS: The Definition of a true gentleman
From: Seamus Kennedy
Date: 03 Aug 01 - 01:22 AM

A gentleman is one who uses his butter-knife, even when dining alone.
A gentleman is one who get out of the bathtub to fart.

Thank you.

Seamus

Subject: RE: BS: The Definition of a true gentleman
From: Trevor
Date: 03 Aug 01 - 04:52 AM

If you threw a banjo and an acoordion out of a fifth floor window, which one would hit the ground first?

Who gives a sh..!

Subject: RE: BS: The Definition of a true gentleman
From: The_one_and_only_Dai
Date: 03 Aug 01 - 05:20 AM

What's the difference between an bodhran player and a chiropodist?

One bucks up the feet...

Subject: RE: BS: The Definition of a true gentleman
From: kendall
Date: 03 Aug 01 - 06:50 AM

Thread creep...what's the difference between an epileptic clam shucker, and, a prostitute with diahrrea? The clam shucker shucks between fits.

Subject: RE: BS: The Definition of a true gentleman
From: GUEST,Brian
Date: 03 Aug 01 - 07:25 AM

What's the best use for a hammered dulcimer?

Fill it with charcoal and use it as a barbeque.

They even supply the utensils for turning the burgers.

Brian

Subject: RE: BS: The Definition of a true gentleman
From: John P
Date: 03 Aug 01 - 08:05 AM

There was a scientific study done on accordions a few years ago. It was determined that if you placed all the accordions in world end to end between the earth and the moon, that would be a good thing . . . .

Subject: RE: BS: The Definition of a true gentleman
From: GUEST,mclapp
Date: 03 Aug 01 - 08:49 AM

When accordionists take over the world, we shall extract our revenge. We know who you are! We know where you live! You can't hide. We're coming to get you! Sqeeze on undaunted, brothers and sisters, squeeze on!

Subject: RE: BS: The Definition of a true gentleman
From: JohnB
Date: 03 Aug 01 - 08:58 AM

So this guy goes to the doctors, as he is having trouble urinating, it keeps coming out of the sides. The doctor examines him and says, I'm sorry you have Syphallis, there is only one thing to do, he gives him a business card. The guy says, is this a better doctor? No replies the doctor he's a bagpipe player, he can show you how to hold it. Boom Boom. JohnB

Subject: RE: BS: The Definition of a true gentleman
From: Grab
Date: 03 Aug 01 - 10:56 AM

Pavane, my problem with the Billy Tell theme is that someone once sung "I've got a head like a ping-pong ball" to it. Ever since, I feel the urge to sing along with those words. This does not make me popular at recitals... ;-)

Graham.

Subject: RE: BS: The Definition of a true gentleman
From: Hollowfox
Date: 03 Aug 01 - 03:22 PM

My father told me that the Irish gave the bagpipes to the Scots, and they haven't gotten the joke yet.

Subject: RE: BS: The Definition of a true gentleman
From: Midchuck
Date: 03 Aug 01 - 03:34 PM

Maybe a true gentleman is one who, having been advised that the great majority of Emily Dickenson's poems can be sung to "The Yellow Rose of Texas," can avoid hearing them that way in his head if he reads one.

Peter.

Subject: RE: BS: The Definition of a true gentleman
From: gnu
Date: 03 Aug 01 - 03:52 PM

As a true gentleman myself, I just returned from the pub ( I don't work when the humidex goes over 35 ), where I declined to point out to my opponent that he inadvertantly switched to high balls on the pool table, sinking three. Didn't want to embarrass him, you know. Of course, when he was about to attempt the 8, I reminded him. Twenty bucks is motivation enough to say to hell with manners. I bought him a beer with my winnings, being a gentleman.

Subject: RE: BS: The Definition of a true gentleman
From: GUEST
Date: 03 Aug 01 - 04:00 PM

I fear the PLANET OF THE ACCORDIANISTS mclapp spoke of "get your dirty paws off of me you Damned filthy accordianist". A real gentleman doesn't revel in Planet of the Apes jokes, oh well.

Subject: RE: BS: The Definition of a true gentleman
From: Diva
Date: 03 Aug 01 - 06:36 PM

I always thought the definition of a true gentleman was that he slept on the wet patch..... who knows

Subject: RE: BS: The Definition of a true gentleman
From: Murray MacLeod
Date: 03 Aug 01 - 07:33 PM

Entertaining thread.

I always heard the William Tell / Lone Ranger thing as defining an intellectual rather than a gentleman, the presumption being, I suppose, that a true intellectual would never have watched the Lone Ranger.

The bagpipe/banjo/accordion joke is only truly funny when applied to the bagpipes, as no true gentleman would ever have been caught dead playing a banjo or an accordion. Learning the pipes, however, used to be more or less compulsory in the type of school patronised by the Scottish gentry, such as Fettes, Loretto, et al.

I have the strongest feeling that the aphorism about a gentleman being soneone who never offends unintentionally is not attributable to Oscar Wilde, and predates Wilde by quite some time. I would love to know who the original author was. IMHO it remains the best definition of a gentleman.

Murray

Subject: RE: BS: The Definition of a true gentleman
From: Liz the Squeak
Date: 04 Aug 01 - 01:31 AM

I'm afraid Les Barker did for the William Tell for me.... wtih the William Patel overture......

popadom popadom popadom dom dom.....

Ah be still my beating heart.....

LTS