Really Really Important Poem

Subject: REALLY REALLY IMPORTANT POEM
From: LR Mole
Date: 06 Aug 01 - 03:16 PM

No, it isn't.Too hot to be anything but silly. This from Ogden Nash:
A primal termite knocked on wood
And tasted it, and found it good.
And that is why your Cousin May
Fell through the parlor floor today.
(Anyone else know some good, tiny, amusing poems?)

Subject: RE: BS: REALLY REALLY IMPORTANT POEM
From: GUEST
Date: 06 Aug 01 - 03:27 PM

Ogden would surely have spelt 'parlor' with a 'u' No?

Subject: RE: BS: REALLY REALLY IMPORTANT POEM
From: GUEST,Guest
Date: 06 Aug 01 - 03:33 PM

String Is a very important thing. Rope is thicker but string is quicker Spike Milligan

Subject: RE: BS: REALLY REALLY IMPORTANT POEM
From: GUEST,Willa
Date: 06 Aug 01 - 03:41 PM

Early to bed and early to rise
Is the way to feel stupid and have red eyes

Subject: RE: BS: REALLY REALLY IMPORTANT POEM
From: Kim C
Date: 06 Aug 01 - 03:44 PM

Someone posted this on the Cat a long time ago - I'm sorry I don't remember who - and I have enjoyed it ever since:

An accident happened to my brother Jim
When somebody threw a tomato at him
Tomatoes are juicy and don't hurt the skin
But this one was specially packed in a tin

Also here's one Mister says now and then; I think he said an old friend of his made it up, or claimed to:

A bear sleeps in a bearskin, I suppose
I slept in my bare skin and damn near froze

Subject: RE: BS: REALLY REALLY IMPORTANT POEM
From: GUEST,Willa
Date: 06 Aug 01 - 04:02 PM

Early to bed and early to rise
Is the way to feel stupid and have red eyes. Shirley Hughes

Remarkable
Truly is art
See-elliptical wheels on a cart!
It looks very fair
In the picture, up there, But imagine the
Ride when you start. Gelett Burgess

Oh cuckoo! shall I call thee bird,
Or but a wandering voice?
State the alternative preferred,
With reasons for your choice. F. H. Townsend

The Wife's Epitaph
To follow you I'm not content.
How do I know which way you went? Anon

Inscribed On a Pint Pot
There are several reasons for drinking,
And one has just entered my head;
If a man cannot drink when he's living,
How the Hell can he drink when he's dead?
(Last one suitable for Micca's mug?)

Subject: RE: BS: REALLY REALLY IMPORTANT POEM
From: GUEST,Willa
Date: 06 Aug 01 - 04:04 PM

Oh dear! Penultimate line should be 'How the Hell can he drink when he's dead?'

fixed it
joeclone

Subject: RE: BS: REALLY REALLY IMPORTANT POEM
From: GUEST,Karen
Date: 06 Aug 01 - 04:06 PM

Supposedly the shortest poem:


FLEAS

Adam had 'em.

Subject: RE: BS: REALLY REALLY IMPORTANT POEM
From: Jacob B
Date: 06 Aug 01 - 04:11 PM

Stopping By Woods While It's Snowing, Even

Whose woods these are I know, I think
His house is in the village though
He will not see to raise a stink
If I stop here to watch the snow

My horse must think my mind is gone
To stop without a farmhouse near
In another hour it will be dawn
He thinks we should get out of here

He gives his harness bells a ring
To ask if there is some mistake
And in my face I feel the sting
Of hard wind driving frozen flake

And so I snap the reins on down
For I have promises to keep
I have to take this horse to town
And trade the nag in for a Jeep.

Subject: RE: BS: REALLY REALLY IMPORTANT POEM
From: katlaughing
Date: 06 Aug 01 - 04:22 PM

My dad, who is 84, recently told me this one. He'd seen it, as a boy of about 7 or 8, on the last covered wagon to pass through the town he grew up in, in Colorado:

"California - Starvation
Utah - Mormon Nation
Colorado - Irrigation
It beats hell and damnation
But, I'm going back to my wife's relations!"

Subject: RE: BS: REALLY REALLY IMPORTANT POEM
From: Noreen
Date: 06 Aug 01 - 04:23 PM

A baby sardine saw his first submarine,
He cried as he watched through a peephole.
"Oh come, come, come!"
Said the sardine's mum,
"It's only a tin full of people."

Spike Milligna,
the well-known typing error

Subject: RE: BS: REALLY REALLY IMPORTANT POEM
From: Peter T.
Date: 06 Aug 01 - 04:45 PM

My favourite, a perfect Nash poem:

Shake and shake the ketchup bottle,
None'll come, and then a lot'l.

Subject: RE: BS: REALLY REALLY IMPORTANT POEM
From: Liz the Squeak
Date: 06 Aug 01 - 04:47 PM

Candy is dandy but liquor is quicker...

Good old Ogden. Poem for everything.

LTS

Subject: RE: BS: REALLY REALLY IMPORTANT POEM
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 06 Aug 01 - 04:55 PM

I remember these from my misspent youth:

The gum-chewing girl and the cud-chewing cow
Seem somewhat alike, but different, somehow.
Ah, yes! There it is! I see it all now!
It's the intelligent look on the face of the cow!

OR

Moses supposes his toeses are roses
But Moses supposes erroneously.
For Moses, he knowses his toeses aren't roses,
As Moses supposes his toeses to be!

OR

The breezes, the breezes,
They blow through the treeses.
They blow the girls' skirtses
Above the girls' kneeses.
The college man seeses
And does what he pleases
And spreads the diseases
Oh Jeezes! Oh Jeezes!

Dave Oesterreich

Subject: RE: BS: REALLY REALLY IMPORTANT POEM
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 06 Aug 01 - 04:59 PM

Guest, why would he spell it like that? As far as I can tell, he was pretty well-educated.

Dave Oesterreich

Subject: RE: BS: REALLY REALLY IMPORTANT POEM
From: Bill D
Date: 06 Aug 01 - 05:12 PM

I wish I loved the human race.
I wish I loved it's silly face.
I wish I loved the way it walks,
I wish I loved the way it talks-
And when I'm introduced to one,
I wish I thought, "What jolly fun".

A man fell into a septic tank;
Oh, that tank, it really stank.
He couldn't swim inside that tank,
But he went through the movements before he sank.

A Glossina morsitans bit rich Aunt Betsy..
Tsk, tsk..Tse-Tse.

...Infant Innocence
The grizzly bear is fierce and wild;
It hath devoured the infant child.
The infant child is unaware,
It has been eaten by the bear.

Short poem and sea story
Sail,
Gale,
Pale,
Rail.

Subject: RE: BS: REALLY REALLY IMPORTANT POEM
From: Liz the Squeak
Date: 06 Aug 01 - 05:20 PM

Der spring is sprung, der grass is riz, I wonder where dem boydies is? The little boyds is on der wing, But dat's absoyd, der wings Is on der boyd.

(OK, so I can't do Location Specific American Accents.... just pretend you're from Queens....)

LTS

Subject: RE: BS: REALLY REALLY IMPORTANT POEM
From: Bill D
Date: 06 Aug 01 - 05:33 PM

(traditionally spelled with 'oi', Liz...*grin*...'boid', etc..)...but nice...

Subject: RE: BS: REALLY REALLY IMPORTANT POEM
From: Liz the Squeak
Date: 06 Aug 01 - 05:56 PM

And I thought he was fixing the line return thing so we wouldn't need < B R > any longer....

LTS

Subject: RE: BS: REALLY REALLY IMPORTANT POEM
From: brid widder
Date: 06 Aug 01 - 06:14 PM

this one is all my own work....

when it came to features I didn't have a lot of luck I was right at the back of the queue I think and what I got given I took when I was younger it bothered me but now I don't give a fuck I once was an ugly duckling well now I'm am ugly duck

Subject: RE: BS: REALLY REALLY IMPORTANT POEM
From: Matthew Edwards
Date: 06 Aug 01 - 06:33 PM

I wish that this room had a floor,
I don't care so much for a door,
But walking around
Without touching the ground,
Is getting to be such a bore.


As I was going down the stair,
I met a man who wasn't there,
He wasn't there again today;
I wish, I wish, he'd go away.


Fell in the fire, and burned to ashes.
Now, although the room grows chilly,
I haven't the heart to poke poor Billy.


I never saw a purple cow,
And hope I never see one.
But I can tell you anyhow,
I'd rather see than be one.

Several examples dredged up from my subconscious. Heaven knows where they came from!

Subject: RE: BS: REALLY REALLY IMPORTANT POEM
From: Bill D
Date: 06 Aug 01 - 06:42 PM

(first line of above.."Little Willie in the best of sashes")

"Ah, yes, I wrote "The Purple Cow"
I'm sorry now I wrote it.
But I can tell you anyhow,
I'll kill you if you quote it!

Gelette (sp?) Burgess

"Edgar A. Guest
Is never at his best."

"I sneezed a sneeze into the air;
It fell to earth, I know not where.
But hard & cold were the looks of those,
In whose vicinity I had snoze"

Subject: RE: BS: REALLY REALLY IMPORTANT POEM
From: Brían
Date: 06 Aug 01 - 06:48 PM

I have heard that verse about "my brother Tim" sung to VILLIKENS HIS DINAH.

Brían.

Subject: RE: BS: REALLY REALLY IMPORTANT POEM
From: Shields Folk
Date: 06 Aug 01 - 06:58 PM

I wish I was a caterpillar, life would be a farce. sliding down the plants and trees and sliding on my....

...hands and knees.

Subject: RE: BS: REALLY REALLY IMPORTANT POEM
From: Shields Folk
Date: 06 Aug 01 - 07:30 PM

Arf, Arf he goes, a merry sight,
Our little hairy friend,
Arf,Arf, upon the lampost bright
Arfing round the bend.
Nice dog! Goo boy,
waggie tail and beg,
Clever Nigel jump for joy
because we're putting you to sleep at three of the clock Nigel.

John Lennon

Subject: RE: BS: REALLY REALLY IMPORTANT POEM
From: Amos
Date: 06 Aug 01 - 07:52 PM

Hurray, hurray! The first of May! Outdoor sex Begins today!

Subject: RE: BS: REALLY REALLY IMPORTANT POEM
From: RangerSteve
Date: 06 Aug 01 - 09:53 PM

When dear Aunt May fell off the boat,
And couldn't swim and wouldn't float,
Matilda just stood there and smiled.
I really could have slapped that child.


I had a dream. It was my own dream. I dreamt it.
I dreamed my hair was kempt, and my own true love unkempt it.


In the family wishing well,
Willie pushed his sister Nell.
She's there yet because it kilt her,
Now we'll have to buy a filter.

Willie, with a thirst for gore,
Nailed the baby to the door.
Mother said with humor quaint,
"Careful, Bill. Don't mar the paint."

The one about the dream is by Ogden Nash. The others I'm not sure about.

Subject: RE: BS: REALLY REALLY IMPORTANT POEM
From: katlaughing
Date: 06 Aug 01 - 10:45 PM

From the 1918 flu epidemic:

"... I had a little bird
Its name was Enza.
I opened the window,
And in-flu-enza!"

Subject: RE: BS: REALLY REALLY IMPORTANT POEM
From: catspaw49
Date: 06 Aug 01 - 10:51 PM

Cleaned that one up some, huh Amos?

Gene, Gene,
Built a machine.
Frank, Frank,
Turned the crank.
Joe, Joe,
Made it go.
Art, Art,
Let a fart,
And blew the whole damn thing apart.

From me you were expecting it weren't you....What else.............

Spaw

Subject: RE: BS: REALLY REALLY IMPORTANT POEM
From: Grab
Date: 07 Aug 01 - 09:33 AM

I believe this was a Jody Call...

Uncle Bert and Auntie Mabel,
Fell asleep at the breakfast table.
Let that be an awful warning
Not to do it in the morning.
Ovaltine has put them right,
Now they do it day and night.
Uncle Bert is hoping soon
To do it in the afternoon.
Hark the herald angels sing,
"Ovaltine's a damn fine thing."

Graham.

Subject: RE: BS: REALLY REALLY IMPORTANT POEM
From: sian, west wales
Date: 07 Aug 01 - 10:25 AM

Losing one glove is certainly painful
But nothing compared to the pain
Of losing one
Throwing away the other
And finding the first one again.

By a Danish poet in ... the 60s? I think his name was Piet Hein...

sian

Subject: RE: BS: REALLY REALLY IMPORTANT POEM
From: Trapper
Date: 07 Aug 01 - 10:36 AM

A couple more from Ogden Nash...

I pity thee, O Octopus,
If I were thee, I'd call me "Us"

A panther's like a leopard
Except it isn't peppered
If you behold a panther crouch
Prepare to say "Ouch"
And if you are called by a panther
Don't Anther.

- Al

Subject: RE: BS: REALLY REALLY IMPORTANT POEM
From: mooman
Date: 07 Aug 01 - 11:18 AM

A couple of extra short ones from memory, forgotten the authors although the first is by a well-known Glaswegian poet and the second won a prize in a schoolchildrens' poetry contest.

Nae hat an' the rain pouring doon
Oh dearie me

The grocery
Was out of broccoli
Luckily

mooman

Subject: RE: BS: REALLY REALLY IMPORTANT POEM
From: GUEST
Date: 07 Aug 01 - 11:24 AM

My sister Lauras bigger than me
And picks me up quite easily
I cant lift her I've tried and tried
She must have something heavy inside

Spike Milligan

Subject: RE: BS: REALLY REALLY IMPORTANT POEM
From: LR Mole
Date: 07 Aug 01 - 11:38 AM

As to "parlour floor":my Readers' Encyclopedia says Ogden Nash was born in America, so I don't imagine he would have added that old-world "u" to parlor (or as we pronounce it around here,pahlla.)
Piet Hein wrote a number of poems, called "Grooks". A fad at one time.
And of a poet mentioned already, this from Dorothy Parker:
I'd rather flunk my Wasserman test
Than read a poem by Edgar A. Guest.

Subject: RE: BS: REALLY REALLY IMPORTANT POEM
From: Bill D
Date: 07 Aug 01 - 11:42 AM

The turtle lives 'twixt plated decks,
Which practically conceals it's sex.
I think it clever of the turtle,
In such a fix, to be so fertile.

Odgen, of course

Subject: RE: BS: REALLY REALLY IMPORTANT POEM
From: Barbara
Date: 07 Aug 01 - 12:01 PM

"Little Willies" were common in the US back in the 20's and 30's maybe? I learned several from my parents and grandparents.
Little Willie, dressed in sashes
Fell in the fire and burnt to ashes
After while the room grew chilly
Because no one wanted to stir up Willie

Willie playing by the track
Didn't hear the engine squeal
Now the train is coming back
Scraping Willie off the wheel

There's another varianton the train track theme whose last two lines are:
The neighbors were surprised to find
How travel broadened Willie's mind

My mother's favorite: Little Willie's dead and gone
We'll never see him more
For what he thought was H2O
Was H2SO4

And for silliness, I always liked this Robert Frost poem:

I stepped on the toe
Of an unemployed hoe
It rose in offense
And struck me a blow
On the seat of my sense
I must say it dealt
Me a blow that I felt
Like malice prepense
Now wasn't there a rule
that a weapon
should be turned into a tool?
But what do I see?
The first tool I step on
Turns into a weapon.

Blessings,
Barbara

Subject: RE: BS: REALLY REALLY IMPORTANT POEM
From: Metchosin
Date: 07 Aug 01 - 01:31 PM

Last night I saw upon the stair
A little man who wasn't there
He wasn't there again today
Oh how I wish he'd go away.

and

How I loves them little mousies
Mousies what I loves to eat
Likes to bites they tiny heads off
Nibbles on they tiny feet.

Subject: RE: BS: REALLY REALLY IMPORTANT POEM
From: Kim C
Date: 07 Aug 01 - 02:00 PM

Spaw! I haven't heard that one in eons!!!!! :-D

Subject: RE: BS: REALLY REALLY IMPORTANT POEM
From: Noreen
Date: 07 Aug 01 - 04:22 PM

Reading these keeps bringing back childhood poems such as

Little pig
Crossing street
Rushing car
Sausage meat

Subject: RE: BS: REALLY REALLY IMPORTANT POEM
From: Noreen
Date: 07 Aug 01 - 04:40 PM

Piggy on the railway
Picking up stones,
Along came an engine
And broke piggy's bones.
"Oh," said Piggy,
"That's not fair!"
"Ha!" said the engine driver,
"I don't care!"

Subject: RE: BS: REALLY REALLY IMPORTANT POEM
From: Bernard
Date: 07 Aug 01 - 04:46 PM

Today I saw a little worm
A-wriggling on his belly
Perhaps he'd like to come inside
And see what's on the telly?! Milligan...

Subject: RE: BS: REALLY REALLY IMPORTANT POEM
From: Peter K (Fionn)
Date: 07 Aug 01 - 05:02 PM

LR, I remember Piet Hein's grooks with awe. They used to appear regularly in Punch sometime in the mid-60s. For instance:

Just beyond perception's reach
I vaguely seem to see
That life is two locked boxes, each
Wrapped round the other's key.

And yet another from Spike, penned years before greenhouse gases had got on to the agenda:

I saw a woman in Kensington Gore
Take her Rolls-Royce to the grocer's store.
All she bought was a dozen eggs.
When I go shopping, I travel on legs.

This one was accompanied by two sketches labelled WRONG and RIGHT. The first was a cardboard cut-out Roller of the conventionally wheeled variety, the second was another cut-out Roller, but this time fitted with four rotating lags, front and aft.

Can't resist squeezing in just one more from Spike:

As they placed the crown upon his head
Prince Charles turned round and said
"I suppose this means that mummy's dead?"

Subject: RE: BS: REALLY REALLY IMPORTANT POEM
From: GUEST
Date: 07 Aug 01 - 10:17 PM

...And Then the Prince Knelt Down and Tried to Put the Glass Slipper on Cinderella's Foot

I really didn't notice that he had a funny nose.
And he certainly looked better all dressed up in fancy clothes.
He's not nearly as attractive as he seemed the other night.
So I think I'll just pretend that this glass slipper feels too tight.

By Judith Viorst

Subject: RE: BS: REALLY REALLY IMPORTANT POEM
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 07 Aug 01 - 11:13 PM

When I was a kidlet, in the late 30s, my aunt Lucille was fond of reciting this one, from HER childhood:

Little Isaac Eisenheimer
Thought he'd be a steeple climber.
Climbed to the top of St. Peter's steeple,
Then fell down and scared some people.
Broke the "-E.R." off his name--
Wasn't that a measly shame?
His father rushed up just in time
To pick up little Isaac Eisenheim!

She would still sometimes recite this at family gatherings, up until her death in her 80s.

Dave Oesterreich

Subject: RE: BS: REALLY REALLY IMPORTANT POEM
From: GUEST,John Gray / Australia
Date: 07 Aug 01 - 11:26 PM

I think I've put this one up before, but I like it.
I once had a little dog named Ben,
Had nine arseholes, nearly ten,
Wouldn't eat bread - wouldn't eat crust,
But ate apple pie till he fuckin'near bust

JG / FME

Subject: RE: BS: REALLY REALLY IMPORTANT POEM
From: Lyrical Lady
Date: 07 Aug 01 - 11:42 PM

Another by Ogden Nash ... "To keep your marriage brimming With love in the loving cup, Whenever you're wrong, admit it, Whenever you're right, shut up"

Maybe it'll work ... who knows!

LL

Subject: RE: BS: REALLY REALLY IMPORTANT POEM
From: Steve Parkes
Date: 08 Aug 01 - 12:28 PM

As I was letting down my hair
I met a man who didn't care.
He didn't care again today--
I love 'em when they get that way!

Sure, deck your lower limbs in pants,
Yours are the legs, my sweeting;
You look divine as you advance ...
But have you seen yourself retreating?
(Ogden Nash again)

In the well that Father built her
Auntie fell; we must buy a filter.
(Hilaire Belloc?)

Lord [forgotten!] tried to fix the elctric light;
It struck him dead, and serve him right!
It is the duty of the wealthy man
To give employment to the artisan.
(Ditto--please offer corrections if poss.)

Steve

Subject: RE: BS: REALLY REALLY IMPORTANT POEM
From: Trapper
Date: 08 Aug 01 - 01:22 PM

Tarzan Tarzan through the air
Tarzan rip his underwear
Tarzan say, "Me no care
Jane fix my underwear."

Jane Jane through the air
Jane rip her underwear
Jane say, "Me no care
Boy fix my underwear."

Boy Boy through the air
Boy rip his underwear
Boy say, "Me no care
Cheetah fix my underwear."

Cheetah Cheetah through the air
Cheetah rip his underwear
Cheetah say, "Me no care
Me no WEAR no underwear!"

- Al

Subject: RE: BS: REALLY REALLY IMPORTANT POEM
From: Kim C
Date: 08 Aug 01 - 01:37 PM

This was composed by my comrade Tammy, a member of my knitting guild:

A naughty knitter named Nelly
Got a number 10* stuck in her belly
Never had it removed
Because it improved
The reception she got on the telly

*that's a big ol knittin needle, for those who don't knit

Subject: RE: BS: REALLY REALLY IMPORTANT POEM
From: The Walrus at work
Date: 08 Aug 01 - 01:41 PM

Alas for poor Johnny,
For Johnny is no more,
For what he thought was H20
Was H2SO4

But quickly up stepped Johhny's Dad,
A Chemist, bright, was he,
He swiftly dosed his young son up
With CaCO3

I regret that I can't remember the last verse in which Jonny explodes (from generatd gas).

Regards

Walrus

Subject: RE: BS: REALLY REALLY IMPORTANT POEM
From: jeffp
Date: 08 Aug 01 - 01:53 PM

A green little chemist
On a green little day
Mixed some green little chemicals
In a green little way.
The green little grasses
Now tenderly wave
O'er the green little chemist's
Green little grave.

jeffp

Subject: RE: BS: REALLY REALLY IMPORTANT POEM
From: GUEST,frances
Date: 08 Aug 01 - 03:58 PM

shortest story in the world
two hunters, one lion
one hunter, one lion
one lion

Subject: RE: BS: REALLY REALLY IMPORTANT POEM
From: paddymac
Date: 09 Aug 01 - 09:34 AM

Here's one I wrote after a few pints.

A MODEST REVENGE ON KILMER

If I should ever lucky be, I'd be a strapping, sapling tree, Where men and boys would stop to pee, And proudly say it's good for me.

Subject: RE: BS: REALLY REALLY IMPORTANT POEM
From: Bat Goddess
Date: 09 Aug 01 - 04:50 PM

Into love and out again
Thus I am and thus I go
Hold your tongue and stay your pen
Well and bitterly I know
All the songs were ev er sung
All the words were ever said
Could it be when I was young
Someone dropped me on my head?
(Dorothy Parker)


Shipbored

That line is the horizon lind.
The blue above it is divine.
The blue below it is marine.
Sometimes the blue below is green.
Sometimes the blue below is white
Foreshadowing a windy night.
Sometimes the blue above is grey
Foreshadowing a cloudy day.
Sometimes a drifting coconut
Or albatross add color but
The blue above is mostly blue.
The blue below and I are too.
(John Updike)


I shot an arrow into the air
I don't know how it fell or where
But strangely enough at my journey's end
I found it again in the neck of a friend.
(Mad Magazine?)


In seventeen hundred and seventy six
A group of American mavericks
Denounced the yoke of tyranny,
The tax on stamps, the tax on tea.
Our fathers felt that they were fit
To tax themselves, and you'll admit
They have done very well at it.
(some magazine read when I was about 11, c. 1960)

Bat Goddess

Subject: RE: BS: REALLY REALLY IMPORTANT POEM
From: RangerSteve
Date: 09 Aug 01 - 08:42 PM

THE CLAM: Esteemed by gourmets highly, it lives the life of Riley. While you're relaxing on the piazza, that's what you're as happy as a.

O Nash, again.

Subject: RE: BS: REALLY REALLY IMPORTANT POEM
From: Firecat
Date: 10 Aug 01 - 07:30 AM

Noreen, I recognised that one about the little pig, but I know it as

Little dog
Crossing street
Motor car
Sausage meat.

I got it out of a book called Vile Victorians, by Terry Deary and illustrated by Martin Brown. It's part of the Horrible Histories series!

Subject: RE: BS: REALLY REALLY IMPORTANT POEM
From: Crazy Eddie
Date: 11 Aug 01 - 02:08 AM

Little Spider the wall, You know you shouldn't be there at all.
Can't you see the wall's been plastered?
Get off the wall you dirty spider!

THE FLY
His maw is dead,
His paw is dead,
SPLAT!
Now he's dead.

Subject: RE: BS: REALLY REALLY IMPORTANT POEM
From: lady penelope
Date: 11 Aug 01 - 06:13 AM

Title : - Meditations of a Tortoise Dozing under a Rosetree at Noon while a Dog scampers about and a Cuckoo calls from a distant Wood.

So far as I can see
There is no one like me.

Soliloquy of a Tortoise on Revisiting the Lettuce Beds after an interval of one Hour while supposed to be sleeping in a clump of blue Hollyhocks.

One cannot have enough
Of this delicious stuff!

Night Thought of a Tortoise Suffering from Imsomnia on a Lawn.

The world is very flat
there is no doubt of that.

By Dr E.V. Rieu.

My Mother had a flit gun
It was devoid of charm
A bit of a flit shot out of it
The rest shot up her arm!

Pam Ayres

(To be read in a scottish accent )

I shot an arrow in the air
It fell te earth I know not where
But wit is mare I dinny care
For I've mare arrows up the stair!

On yonder hill there stood a coo
It must huv moved it's no there noo.

The Mad Maggonegal

TTFN M'Lady P.

Subject: RE: BS: REALLY REALLY IMPORTANT POEM
From: 2feathers
Date: 11 Aug 01 - 11:45 AM

Fuzzy wuzzy wuz a bear Fuzzy wuzzy had no hair Fuzy wuzzy wuzn't fuzzy Wuz he?

Him has went Him has gone Him has left I all alone. Must I always go to he? Can't him never come to me? It can never was.

My mom used to recite:

Whose Izzy is he Is he yours or is he mine? I'm gettin' dizzy Watchin; Izzy all the time.

Subject: RE: BS: REALLY REALLY IMPORTANT POEM
From: Noreen
Date: 11 Aug 01 - 03:00 PM

Hi Firecat!

Sausages made out of dog meat?! :0)

Good books, those Horrible Histories, aren't they? My son bought them all as they came out, and I've used them in school too.

Noreen

Subject: RE: BS: REALLY REALLY IMPORTANT POEM
From: Firecat
Date: 11 Aug 01 - 04:52 PM

You and your son have got taste Noreen, I'll say that! Which is your favoutir? Mine's Terrible Tudors or Angry Aztecs.

Subject: RE: BS: REALLY REALLY IMPORTANT POEM
From: Crazy Eddie
Date: 12 Aug 01 - 01:18 AM

Algy met the bear,
And the bear met Algy.
The bear was bulgy,
The bulge was Algy.

Subject: RE: BS: REALLY REALLY IMPORTANT POEM
From: GUEST,genie
Date: 12 Aug 01 - 01:59 AM

Ogden was a Yank, as I recall, so why would he write "parlour"?

Subject: RE: BS: REALLY REALLY IMPORTANT POEM
From: Bill D
Date: 12 Aug 01 - 08:52 PM

THE PLOVER AND THE CLOVER

The Plover and the Clover can be
    told apart with ease,
By paying close attention to the
    habits of the Bees,
For En-to-molo-gists aver, the Bee
    can be in Clover,
While Ety-molo-gists concur,
    there is no B in Plover.

    -- Robert Williams Wood

Subject: RE: BS: REALLY REALLY IMPORTANT POEM
From: Steve Parkes
Date: 13 Aug 01 - 03:25 AM

Also atrrib. to McGonagle (but probably by Anon):

The cow is a forlorn beast,
There's nothing more forlorner,
Standing in a field
With a leg at every corner.

Steve

Subject: RE: BS: REALLY REALLY IMPORTANT POEM
From: GUEST
Date: 13 Aug 01 - 11:33 AM

refresh

Subject: RE: BS: REALLY REALLY IMPORTANT POEM
From: lady penelope
Date: 13 Aug 01 - 03:56 PM

The Tay the Tay best river on earth
Goes past the ship yards every day
And up and doon te Perth
( It's always got a bed for the night
And it ai in touch wi the banks )

M. MacGonegal

TTFN M'Lady P.

Subject: RE: BS: REALLY REALLY IMPORTANT POEM
From: Bernard
Date: 13 Aug 01 - 04:09 PM

The elephant is a pretty bird
She flits from bough to bough
She makes her nest in the Rhubarb Tree
And whistles like a cow...

Subject: RE: BS: REALLY REALLY IMPORTANT POEM
From: Noreen
Date: 13 Aug 01 - 08:03 PM

First Aid in English, Bernard?!

Subject: RE: BS: REALLY REALLY IMPORTANT POEM
From: CarolC
Date: 28 Aug 01 - 05:17 AM

The Mennonite cars
Dance a slow ballet
From the church
To the distant countryside.

The dance snakes slowly
Quiet
Blowing white snow-silence
Into the hills.

Subject: RE: BS: REALLY REALLY IMPORTANT POEM
From: GUEST,Challis
Date: 28 Aug 01 - 10:50 AM

The Goldfish poem Does anyone know that please?

Supposed to be very very short (and pithy or some such)

Cheers and thanks,

Hille

Subject: RE: BS: REALLY REALLY IMPORTANT POEM
From: Deda
Date: 28 Aug 01 - 02:37 PM

As I was sitting in a chair
I knew the bottom wasn't there,
Nor legs, nor back -- but I just sat
Ignoring little things like that.

(Don't know source.)

One of Dorothy Parker's most famous:

Men never make passes
at girls who wear glasses.

Another source unknown:

A wonderful bird is the pelican
His beak can hold more than his belly can.
He can hold in his beak
Enough food for a week!
I wonder how in the hell 'e can.

Subject: RE: BS: REALLY REALLY IMPORTANT POEM
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 28 Aug 01 - 06:43 PM

Deda said:

"One of Dorothy Parker's most famous:

"Men never make passes

"at girls who wear glasses."

But to which I think it was Ogden Nash added:

"And girls who are be-spectacled
"Don't often get their nectacled.

Dave Oesterreich

Subject: RE: BS: REALLY REALLY IMPORTANT POEM
From: Paul from Hull
Date: 28 Aug 01 - 11:10 PM

This has reminded me of one I knew when I was a kid, though I feel sure there is more of it than this.......Anyone know?

I saw Esau, sitting on a See-Saw,

I saw Esau, & 'e saw me...

Subject: RE: BS: REALLY REALLY IMPORTANT POEM
From: Mudlark
Date: 29 Aug 01 - 01:13 PM

This is one my mom used to recite as she walked along

Left, left, left my wife and 14 childeren, old grey man in a peanut stand, I think I did, left, left....

Right, right, right from the (something), hayfoot, slewfoot, right, right....

Subject: RE: BS: REALLY REALLY IMPORTANT POEM
From: JudeL
Date: 29 Aug 01 - 01:41 PM

One from my childhood:

Ucky Wucky was a worm,
Ucky Wucky liked to sqwirm
got onto a railway line
didn't see the train in time
Ucky Wucky

Jude

Subject: RE: BS: REALLY REALLY IMPORTANT POEM
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 29 Aug 01 - 02:55 PM

Mudlark, here's a related "marching" poem I learned in my youth:

LEFT,
LEFT,
LEFT my wife and forty-five children
Home in the kitchen in starving condition
With nothing but gingerbread
LEFT!

Dave Oesterreich

Subject: RE: BS: REALLY REALLY IMPORTANT POEM
From: Metchosin
Date: 29 Aug 01 - 03:09 PM

Paul I remember a song when I was small something like:

I saw Esau
Sitting on a see-saw
I saw Esau with my gal
I saw Esau
Sitting on a see-saw
I saw Esau with my gal.
When I saw Esau
He saw me
And I got so sore
That I got a saw
Oh I got a saw
And I sawed Esau
Off that old see-saw

or something like that....

Subject: RE: BS: REALLY REALLY IMPORTANT POEM
From: Deda
Date: 29 Aug 01 - 03:17 PM

Another version, one my Granny used: Left, left, left my wife and Fourteen children
The reason I left, I couldn't go right, right,
Right from the country O-pie-jingles, left
(back to first line)
(Amos may remember this more clearly than I do?)

It was supposed to work that you stepped on your left foot on left and right, right. I probably REALLY didn't need to explain that, duh....

And then there's this one:
Fuzzy Wuzzy was a bear,
Fuzzy Wuzzy had no hair.
Fuzzy wuzzy wasn't fuzzy, wuzzee?

Subject: RE: BS: REALLY REALLY IMPORTANT POEM
From: Metchosin
Date: 29 Aug 01 - 03:53 PM

I think mice are rather nice
Their tails are long
Their faces are small
They haven't any chins at all
Their ears are pink
Their teeth are white They run about the house at night
They nibble things
They shouldn't touch
And no one seems to like them much
But I think mice
Are nice.

or

Spring is sprung
The grass has riz
I wonder where the boidies is?

Subject: RE: BS: REALLY REALLY IMPORTANT POEM
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 29 Aug 01 - 05:13 PM

Toity poiple boyds
Sittin' on d' coib
Eatin' doity woims
A-Choipin' and a-boipin'

Dave Oesterreich

Subject: RE: BS: REALLY REALLY IMPORTANT POEM
From: Paul from Hull
Date: 29 Aug 01 - 05:14 PM

Thanks, Metchosin

...all I knew of that 'Marching' one was

Left,

Left,

I had a good job & I

Left...

Subject: RE: BS: REALLY REALLY IMPORTANT POEM
From: DMcG
Date: 30 Aug 01 - 02:11 PM

A poem that I learnt in one English lesson nearly 40 years ago and stuck immediately

Eletelophony

Once there was an Elephant that tried to use the telephant
No, No, I mean an Elephone that tried to use the telephone
(Dear me! I am not certain quite
That even now I've got it right)

Howe'er it was, it got its trunk
Entangled in the telphunk
The more it tried to get it free
The louder buzzed the telephee!
(I fear I'd better drop the song
Of Elephop and telephong)

Subject: RE: BS: REALLY REALLY IMPORTANT POEM
From: Chicken Charlie
Date: 30 Aug 01 - 06:39 PM

My all-time fave serious short poem is a haiku by Basho:

An old pond;
Frog leaps in--
The sound of water.

(Furuike ya; kawazu tobikomu. Mizu no ono.)

Or for the comedically inclined:

Roses are red; violets are blue.
Some poems rhyme. Mine don't.

And yet another limerick not posted to the last limerick thread--for the landsmen among us a spanker is a kind of sail and the main sheet is part of a sailing ship's rigging:

There were two old ladies named Banker
Who slept while the ship was at anchor,
But they woke in dismay
When they heard the Mate say,
"Lift up the main sheet and spanker!"

CC

Subject: RE: BS: REALLY REALLY IMPORTANT POEM
From: chizzer
Date: 30 Aug 01 - 07:23 PM

One from my wife's grandma:

Once upon a time when birds shit lime and monkeys chewed tobacca, the little pigs run with their fingers up their bum to see what was the matter

Subject: RE: BS: REALLY REALLY IMPORTANT POEM
From: GUEST,Boab
Date: 31 Aug 01 - 03:34 AM

Here lies Boghead, Amang the deid, In hopes tae ha'e salvation-- ---But if sich as he in Heav'n may be, Then welcome, hail Damnation!

In seventeen hunner and twenty nine The De'il gat stuff tae mak a swine ---and coost it in a corner; Then wilily he changed his plan, An' shaped it something like a man ---an' ca'ed it Andrew Turner.

Baith frae Rab Burns---

Subject: RE: BS: REALLY REALLY IMPORTANT POEM
From: GUEST
Date: 31 Aug 01 - 04:09 AM

There was a young man from Japan
Whose meter just never would scan
When told this was so
He said yes I know
But I always try to fit as many words in the last line as I possibly can

Little Willie, Pair of skates
Hole in ice, Golden gates

Willie fell down the elevator, Wasn't found till 3 days later
Then the neighbors sniffed Gee Whiz! What a spoilt child Willie is!

God in his wisdom made the fly, and then forgot to tell us why

If Noah had been truly wise, he would have swatted those two flies

I had written to Aunt Maud, who was on a trip abroad
When I heard she'd died of cramp, just to late to save the stamp

I know more, but they're all a bit longer.

Subject: RE: BS: REALLY REALLY IMPORTANT POEM
From: cyder_drinker
Date: 01 Sep 01 - 03:49 AM

3 Bird poems that come to mind...

The common Cormorant, or Shag, Makes its nest in a paper bag. The reason for this is, no doubt, To keep the rain and lightning out. But what these unobservant birds Have failed to notice are the herds Of wandering elephants, with buns- Who steal the bags to hold the crumbs.

The sausage is a cunning bird Its feathers long and wavy It flies around the frying-pan And makes its nest in gravy.

The cuckoo's a strange bird It sits in the grass It's wings neatly folded It's beak up it's ass In this strange position It whistles Twit Twit Cos it's hard to say cuckoo With a beak full of shit

Subject: RE: BS: REALLY REALLY IMPORTANT POEM
From: Barbara
Date: 02 Sep 01 - 12:08 AM

She knew that he knew that her father was dead;
She knew that he knew what a life he had led.
She knew that he knew what she meant when she said,
"Go ask father."

Blessings,
Barbara

Subject: RE: BS: REALLY REALLY IMPORTANT POEM
From: Metchosin
Date: 02 Sep 01 - 01:17 AM

There is a strange bird called the pelican
His beak can hold more than his belly can
He can store in his beak
What will last him a week
But I do not know how in the hell he can

Subject: RE: REALLY REALLY IMPORTANT POEM
From: GUEST,Ryan Overbeck
Date: 07 Nov 05 - 05:50 PM

Jonny was a chemist son
but Jonny is no more
for what he thought was H2o
was H2SO$



H2SO4
suferic acid

Subject: RE: REALLY REALLY IMPORTANT POEM
From: billybob
Date: 07 Nov 05 - 06:14 PM

I must go down to the sea again
to the lonely sea and the sky
I left my vest and socks there
I wonder if they are dry?

Spike Milligan again

Subject: RE: REALLY REALLY IMPORTANT POEM
From: JohnInKansas
Date: 07 Nov 05 - 08:34 PM

2feathers 11 Aug 01 - 11:45 AM

Whose Izzy is he Is he yours or is he mine? I'm gettin' dizzy Watchin; Izzy all the time.

This is a song lyric: "Who's Izzy Is He." It took the whole gang of us over a year to find it in response to a request. A search for "Izzy" in threads should find comment. I don't know if the lyric we sent in has been added in the DT, but it may be there.

*****

JudeL 29 Aug 01 - 01:41 PM

Ucky Wucky was a worm,…

The local version, and I believe in some of the "Girl Scout Songbooks" was:

Oo-ey Goo-ey was a worm
And a mighty worm was he
He climbed up the railroad track
The train he didn't see –

Ooooooo-eeeeey Goooo – eeeeey

(Last line with inflection only attainable by a gaggle of 13-year-old scoutlings.)

*****

For those unredeemably addicted to self-abuse of the kind thus far advanced by posts to this thread, and most particularly those whose tastes and personal inclinations incline toward "less than wholesome entertainment," I can recommend:

The Limerick edited by G. Legman, ©1964, 1969 by G. Legman, Published by Portland House, a Division of Random House Value Publishing, Inc., ISBN 0-517-20542-4.

Publisher's comment: "1700 examples, with notes, variants, and index."

The dust jacket notes: "This is the largest collection of limericks ever published, erotic or otherwise. Of the 1700 printed here, none is otherwise."

Original List Price $35.00, but my copy has a Barnes "Remainder Table" sticker showing $7.99 – date of purchase unknown.

John

Subject: RE: REALLY REALLY IMPORTANT POEM
From: mandotim
Date: 08 Nov 05 - 05:51 AM

How about...
When hunting the Rhinoceros
Use bullets made of platinum
'Cos if you use the leaden ones
Its hide will surely flatinum.

Tim from Bit on the Side

Subject: RE: REALLY REALLY IMPORTANT POEM
From: GUEST
Date: 08 Nov 05 - 05:56 AM

There was a man from Huddersfield
Who had a cow that wouldn´t yield
The reason why it wouldn´t yield
It didn´t like its udders feeled.

Courtesy of John Foreman.

Subject: RE: REALLY REALLY IMPORTANT POEM
From: GUEST,Dáithí Ó Geanainn
Date: 08 Nov 05 - 07:35 AM

Here's another from Pam Ayres:

I am a lickle bunny rabbit
Sitting in my 'utch,
I prefer to sit at this end,
I don't care for that end....much.

..and again from Milligan:

Romeo said to Juliet
I'll draw a sketch of thee.
Now which pencil shall I use,
2B or not 2B ?

I thenk you....

Subject: RE: REALLY REALLY IMPORTANT POEM
From: GUEST,smethwick boy
Date: 08 Nov 05 - 07:56 AM

Maverick Powells had rumbling bowels
that thundered through the night
they shook the bedrooms all around
and gave the folks a fright

Milligan

Subject: RE: REALLY REALLY IMPORTANT POEM
From: Leadfingers
Date: 08 Nov 05 - 08:18 AM

My favourite Ogden Nash NOT already included is :-

       I Think that I will never see
       A Billboard , lovely as a tree
       In fact , unless the Billboards fall
       I'll never see a tree at all.

And having just driven about fifteen hundred miles up and down the US East coast , I know just what he meant !

Subject: RE: REALLY REALLY IMPORTANT POEM
From: Leadfingers
Date: 08 Nov 05 - 08:19 AM

And 100 !!

Subject: RE: REALLY REALLY IMPORTANT POEM
From: Bard Judith
Date: 08 Nov 05 - 09:55 PM

i opened my eyes and looked up at the rain
and it dripped in my head and flowed into my brain
so pardon this wild crazy thing i've just said
i'm just not the same since there's rain in my head

i step very softly i walk very slow
i can't do a handstand or i might overflow
and all i can hear as i lie in my bed
is the slishity-slosh of the rain in my head




Shel Silverstein

Subject: RE: REALLY REALLY IMPORTANT POEM
From: kytrad (Jean Ritchie)
Date: 09 Nov 05 - 01:38 PM

I know how ugly I are,
I know that my face ain't no star-
But gee, I don't mind it
Because I'm behind it;
The one that's in front gets the jarr!

(Melody: Blest Be the Tie That Binds)

Subject: RE: REALLY REALLY IMPORTANT POEM
From: JohnInKansas
Date: 09 Nov 05 - 02:52 PM

Mary had a little car
She drove it very brisk
But Mary didn't care because
She only had her *

Anon, I think, but who knows?

John

Subject: RE: REALLY REALLY IMPORTANT POEM
From: Nigel Parsons
Date: 21 Apr 09 - 01:52 PM

Mary had a little dress,
The skirt was split in half.
Ans every step that Mary took,
The boys could see her calf.

Mary had another dress,
Split right up the front.
But she didn't wear that one!

Subject: RE: REALLY REALLY IMPORTANT POEM
From: High Hopes (inactive)
Date: 21 Apr 09 - 01:58 PM

Two REALLY, REALLY important poems from Spike Milligan

Return to Sorrento: 3rd Class

I'm going down to the lonely sea,
To the lonely sea and sky.
I'm going down to the lonely sea,
To see if my socks are dry.

There Was

The was a young boy named Sean
who sat on the edge of the lawn
His knees went crack
and he fell on his back
And He regreted the day he was born.

Subject: RE: Really Really Important Poem
From: GUEST,songster bob
Date: 21 Apr 09 - 02:16 PM

"The breezes, the breezes,
They blow through the treeses.
They blow the girls' skirtses
Above the girls' kneeses.
The college man seeses
And does what he pleases
And spreads the diseases
Oh Jeezes! Oh Jeezes!"

I know that Woody Guthrie knew that poem, because his song, "Old Chicargo" features a verse about the "breeze that tickles the knees of the little chickadees." It's interesting to see the sources of some of the songs we know and love.

Another example is "Union Maid," which does not start like the clean version of "Red Wing," but instead parallels the bawdy parody. It's obcvious which one Woody had in mind when writing that one.

Bob

Subject: RE: REALLY REALLY IMPORTANT POEM
From: ClaireBear
Date: 21 Apr 09 - 02:17 PM

Oh, so many contributions I have failed to make! First, up by the Edgar A. Guest submission, I should have added my suband's favorite:

I'd rather flunk my Wasserman test
Than listen to a poem by Edgar A. Guest.


Here's an old favorite from my childhood:

I shot an arrow in the air.
It fell to earth I know not where.
I lose more damned arrows that way!



And another, from G.K. Chesterton:

TRIOLET

I wish I were a jelly fish
That cannot fall downstairs;
Of all the things I wish to wish
I wish I were a jellyfish
That hasn't any cares
And doesn't even have to wish
'I wish I were a jellyfish
That cannot fall downstairs.'

Subject: RE: Really Really Important Poem
From: ClaireBear
Date: 21 Apr 09 - 02:18 PM

for suband, read husband, although actually I rather like suband...

Subject: RE: Really Really Important Poem
From: ClaireBear
Date: 21 Apr 09 - 02:22 PM

And this one's especially good for recitations:


The Leith Police dismisseth us, —
I'm thankful, sir, to say;
The Leith Police dismisseth us,
They thought we sought to stay.
The Leith police dismisseth us,
We both sighed sighs apiece,
And the sigh that we sighed as we said goodbye,
Was the size of the Leith police


See! No typos!

C

Subject: RE: Really Really Important Poem
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 21 Apr 09 - 02:31 PM

I went to see my sweetheart,
Her name is Miss Brown.
She was having a bath,
Said she couldn't come down.
I said please slip on something,
And come down for a tick.
She slipped on the soap
and came down a bit quicker than she expected.

I believe by Noel Coward but someone might correct me.

Subject: RE: Really Really Important Poem
From: Weasel
Date: 21 Apr 09 - 02:34 PM

Someone mentioned Haiku. The finest haiku ever written is that by John Cooper Clark:

To convey one's mood
In seventeen syllables
Is very diffic

Cheers

Subject: RE: Really Really Important Poem
From: ClaireBear
Date: 21 Apr 09 - 02:41 PM

Oh dear. Now, those last two (especially together) put me in mind of a certain limericK:

There was a young chap from Bhutan
Who wrote verses that didn't quite scan.
   When they said, "But the thing
   Doesn't go with a swing,"
He said, "Yes, I know, but I always like to get as many syllables into the last line as I possibly can."

Subject: RE: Really Really Important Poem
From: High Hopes (inactive)
Date: 21 Apr 09 - 02:49 PM

100

Subject: RE: Really Really Important Poem
From: ClaireBear
Date: 21 Apr 09 - 02:51 PM

No, 101.

Subject: RE: Really Really Important Poem
From: Jon Bartlett
Date: 21 Apr 09 - 02:54 PM

Little Willie from his mirror
Licked the mercury right off
Thinking, in his childish error
It would cure his whooping cough.
At his funeral, Willie's mother
Calmly said to Mrs. Brown
"'Twas a chilly day for Willie
When the mercury went down."

Bob Graham, perhaps?

Jon Bartlett

Subject: RE: Really Really Important Poem
From: frogprince
Date: 21 Apr 09 - 03:13 PM

forgive me if I slip in something that I actually love:

Listen to the MUSTN'TS, child,
Listen to the DON'TS
Listen to the SHOULDN'TS
The IMPOSSIBLES, the WON'TS
Listen to the NEVER HAVES
Then listen close to me--
Anything can happen, child,
ANYTHING can be.
             Shel Silverstein

Subject: RE: Really Really Important Poem
From: cptsnapper
Date: 21 Apr 09 - 04:03 PM

Another Ogden Nash

Two nudists from Dover who were purple all over
got munched by a cow in mistake for some clover.

Subject: RE: Really Really Important Poem
From: dick greenhaus
Date: 21 Apr 09 - 04:36 PM

The bee's an energetic soul
Who doesn't hold with birth control
And thus the reason can be found
For all the sons of B's around.

Subject: RE: Really Really Important Poem
From: Bill D
Date: 21 Apr 09 - 05:04 PM

(pedant alert!)

The Dorothy Parker poem has been posted twice, 8 years apart, and still not gotten precisely.

Ahem:

"I'd rather fail my Wasserman test
Than read a poem by Edgar Guest." (no 'A'...it ruins the scansion)

(/pedant)

Why pedantry? Because...ummmm... mere memory can fail, and the durned WWW/internet leads to C&P proliferation of slight differences from the original.
(Now, I have different versions of some items above, but there is often no known author and thus no one 'authentic' version.)

I learned Dick Greenhaus' poem about bees as:

"The bee is such a busy soul,
He has no time for birth control.
And that is why, in times like these,
There are so many Sons of B's"

Scholars bicker......

Subject: RE: Really Really Important Poem
From: Stewie
Date: 21 Apr 09 - 07:18 PM

My favourite is Isherwood's 'Common Cormorant' quoted above, but I also like this one:

What a wonderful bird the frog are!
When he stand he sit almost;
When he hop he fly almost.
He ain't got no sense hardly;
He ain't got no tail hardly either.
When he sit, he sit on what he ain't got almost.

Author unknown.

--Stewie.

Subject: RE: Really Really Important Poem
From: Joe_F
Date: 21 Apr 09 - 08:37 PM

Ogden Nash's complete reply to Dorothy Parker was:

The girl who is bespectacled,
She may not get her necktackled,
But safety pins and bassinets
Await the girl who fascinets.

*

Hogamus, higamus,
Men are polygamous.
Higamus, hogamus,
Women, monogamous.

Often attributed to D. Parker, but actually a good deal older.

*

Piss and fart,
Sound at heart.

*

When in danger or in doubt,
Run in circles, scream and shout.

*

Life is a jest, and all things show it:
I thought so once, and now I know it.

*

Suck, squeeze, bang, blow.
Internal combustion makes it go.

*

If I were a cassowary
On the sands of Timbuctoo,
I would eat a missionary,
Coat and bands and hymnbook too.

*

Army version:
Six days shalt thou work and do all thou art able:
The seventh, the same, and clean out the stable.

Navy version:
Six days shalt thou labor and do all that thou art able,
And on the seventh holystone the deck and scrape the cable.

*

Life is ever, since man was born,
Licking honey from a thorn.

*

Always some flakes rise,
But it is correct to say
The snow is falling.

*

Said Sir Christopher Wren,
"I am going to dine with some men.
If anyone calls,
Say I am designing St Paul's."

Said Sir James Dewar,
"I am smarter than you are.
None of you asses
Can condense gases."

Said P. A. M. Dirac,
"I will *not* call it a brac."
Like many Brits,
He had a thing about tits.

Subject: RE: Really Really Important Poem
From: ClaireBear
Date: 21 Apr 09 - 09:20 PM

Bill: who -- you? pedantic? (I'm not forgetting who corrected my defective "Rivers of Texas" choruses.)

Actually, hugsband Dan never told me it was Ms. Parker, so I'd not known there was a "correct" wording.

Mea culpa. Mea culpa. Mea maxima culpa. (Gosh, I hope I remembered that right!)

Claire

Subject: RE: Really Really Important Poem
From: Bill D
Date: 22 Apr 09 - 10:19 AM

Oh, I think that's perfect, Claire ☺

(We pedants can be mollified)


------------------------------------------------------
Said Sir Christopher Wren,
"I am going to dine with some men.
If anyone calls,
Say I am designing St. Pauls."

Subject: RE: Really Really Important Poem
From: Dave Hanson
Date: 22 Apr 09 - 10:33 AM

Candy is dandy,
But liquor is quicker.

Ogden Nash [ I think ]

Dave H

Subject: RE: Really Really Important Poem
From: Celtaddict
Date: 22 Apr 09 - 01:43 PM

My favorite Shel Silverstein:

Please tell me just the fabuli,
The miraculi,
The gargantua;
And kindly, kindly spare me
All this insignificatia.

Subject: RE: Really Really Important Poem
From: bseed(charleskratz)
Date: 22 Apr 09 - 09:12 PM

Another from Ogden Nash:

The Lamb


Little gamboling lamb

Do you know where you am?

In a patch of mint

I'll give you a hint--

Scram, lamb


And here's one of my few tries at haiku:



Walking 'neath the palms

Listening to the pigeons coo

Dodging pigeon poop


Charles

Subject: RE: Really Really Important Poem
From: Celtaddict
Date: 23 Apr 09 - 09:23 AM

Sheesh. Spell check is no use when he made up the word.
Insignificantia.

Subject: RE: Really Really Important Poem
From: Soldier boy
Date: 23 Apr 09 - 02:02 PM

I wanted to go on the stage
But at acting I simply was rotten.
In pantomine I was the rage
As the hole in the elephants' bottom.

Subject: RE: Really Really Important Poem
From: Micca
Date: 23 Apr 09 - 02:54 PM

Dr. Bell
fell down the well
and broke his collar bone
Doctors should attend the sick
and leave the well alone.

The origial in the Purple Cow saga was
I've never seen a Purple Cow
with tears my eyes are full
I've never seen a Purple Cow
andI'm a Purple Bull

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall
all the Kings horses and all the Kings men
had scrambled egg for breakfast!

I wish I was a littl grub
with hairs around my tummy
I'd climb into a honey pot
and make my tummy gummy

Dewey was the morning upon the First of May
and Dewey was the Admiral down in Manila Bay
and Dewey were the Spaniards eyes
those orbs of black and blue
and dew we feel discouraged?
I Dew not think we dew

Subject: RE: Really Really Important Poem
From: bseed(charleskratz)
Date: 07 May 09 - 02:38 AM

How to write haiku (from Jon Carroll in the San Francisco Chronicle (condensed and paraphrased from memory)

Think the melody of "Moonlight in Vermont"

DAH-duh-DAH-duh-DAH
DAH-duh-DAH-duh-DAH-duh-DAH
DAH-duh-DAH-duh-DAH

Subject: RE: Really Really Important Poem
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 07 May 09 - 02:51 AM

I wish I were a little frog,
No taller than the grass.
I'd climb up all the big oak trees,
And slide down on my hands and knees!!!!

Yes it does rhyme!!!!

Subject: RE: Really Really Important Poem
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 07 May 09 - 02:53 AM

To the tune of "Away in a manger"

The cuckoo is a pretty bird,
She sits in the grass.
With her wings by her side and
Her head under them.
And in this position,
She can only say "Twit".
For who could say cuckoo,
With a beak full of feathers?

Subject: RE: Really Really Important Poem
From: Dave Hanson
Date: 07 May 09 - 07:04 AM

As I was walking past St Pauls,
A man jumped out and grabbed my leg.

Dave H

Subject: RE: Really Really Important Poem
From: TenorTwo
Date: 07 May 09 - 08:27 AM

To be sung to the tune of Tallis's "Canon":

I wish I were a woolly worm
with hairs upon my tummy,
I'd jump into a pot of glue
and make my tummy gummy.

T2

Subject: RE: Really Really Important Poem
From: TheSnail
Date: 07 May 09 - 09:12 AM

What is that on the road, Mama?
It looks like strawberry jam.
Hush, hush my dear it is Papa
Run over by a tram.


I remember the St Pauls one as

As I was walking past St Pauls,
A woman grabbed me by the coat.
She said "You look a man of pluck.
Why not come in and have a cup of tea."

There may be more.

Subject: RE: Really Really Important Poem
From: Charley Noble
Date: 07 May 09 - 09:13 AM

There was a crooked man,
And he did very well!

As remembered from The Inner City Goose.

Cheerily,
Charley Noble

Subject: RE: Really Really Important Poem
From: BobKnight
Date: 07 May 09 - 09:33 AM

Old Scottish poem: Anon:

Love, love, love,
Love is like a dizzyness,
It winna let a puir body,
Gang aboot his business.

Roger Miller:

Roses are red, violets are purple,
Sugar is sweet, and so is maple syrup-l.

Subject: RE: Really Really Important Poem
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 07 May 09 - 11:37 AM

An oldie!!
There was a crooked man,
Who walked a crooked mile.
Found a crooked sixpence,
And knackered a chocolate machine!

Subject: RE: Really Really Important Poem
From: GUEST,TJ in San Diego
Date: 07 May 09 - 12:10 PM

The two immediately below could be modified to include other populations near and dear to the reader:

"You can take all the sincerity in Hollywood,
Put it into a flea's navel,
And have room left over for a caraway seed
And an agent's heart."

Fred Allen

"Hollywood is a place where people spend money they don't have,
To buy things they don't need,
To impress people they don't like."

Ken Murray

Candy's dandy,
Liquor's quicker,
But sex won't rot your teeth.

Better to have flunked your Wasserman
Than never to have loved at all.

What's round and brown and sits on a piano bench?
Beethoven's last movement...

Subject: RE: Really Really Important Poem
From: BobKnight
Date: 07 May 09 - 05:14 PM

Mary had an iron cow, she milked it with a spanner.
Out came shilling tins of milk and little ones at a tanner.

Mary had a little lamb, she kept it in the cellar,
A lump of coal stuck up its hole, and paralysed its smeller.

Subject: RE: Really Really Important Poem
From: dick greenhaus
Date: 07 May 09 - 06:06 PM

the rain it raineth every day
Upon the just and unjust fella
But mostly on the just, because
The unjust stole the just's umbrella

Subject: RE: Really Really Important Poem
From: GUEST,TJ in San Diego
Date: 07 May 09 - 06:14 PM

Rough day at the office - these are just stress relievers....


Jack & Jill went up the hill,
They each had a buck and a quarter.
Jill came down with two-and-a-half;
They didn't go after water!

If at first you don't succeed,
Suck eggs!

There was an old woman who lived in a shoe.
She had so many children, she didn't know what to do.
Evidently!

Little Boy Blue,
Come blow your horn.
The sheep are in the meadow,
The cows in the corn.
Where's the boy who looks after the sheep?
He's under the haystack with Bo-Peep.

Subject: RE: Really Really Important Poem
From: Dave Hanson
Date: 08 May 09 - 02:32 AM

Old Scottish epitaph called ' On Aberdeen '

Here lies the body of Elizabeth Charlotte,
Born a virgin, died a harlot,
A virgin still at seventeen,
A remarkable thing for Aberdeen.

Dave H

Subject: RE: Really Really Important Poem
From: BobKnight
Date: 08 May 09 - 05:25 AM

Little Miss Muffet sat on her tuffet,
Her knickers all tattered and torn,
It wasn't the spider that frightened Miss Muffet,
It was little boy blue with his horn.

Subject: RE: Really Really Important Poem
From: Dave Hanson
Date: 08 May 09 - 09:00 AM

I found this in ' Bawdy Ballads ' by Ed Cray, it's from ' A Collection Of Epigrams ' published in 1735

If death must come, as of as breath departs,
The he must often die, who often farts,
And if to die be but to lose ones breath,
Then deaths a fart; and so a fart for death.

now that's a REALLY important poem.

Dave H

Subject: RE: Really Really Important Poem
From: GUEST,BanjoRay
Date: 09 May 09 - 07:57 AM

There was a young lady from Bude
Who went for a swim in the lake
A man in a punt
Stuck his pole in her ear
And said "You can't swim here, it's private"

Subject: RE: Really Really Important Poem
From: GUEST,Joe Parry-Hill
Date: 15 May 09 - 09:08 AM

There was a boy named Willie,
Now Willie is no more,
What Willie thought was H2O was really H2SO4!

Author Unknown

Subject: RE: Really Really Important Poem
From: Dave Hanson
Date: 15 May 09 - 09:47 AM

We used to say that about our chemistry teacher50 years ago,

Mr Duffield's dead and gone,
His voice we hear no more,
For what he thought was H2O
Was H2SO4

Dave H

Subject: RE: Really Really Important Poem
From: paula t
Date: 15 May 09 - 10:30 AM

I like the "Ruthless Rhymes" of Harry Graham(1874 -1936). Here's a quick selection:

"There's been an accident!" they said,
"Your servant's cut in half; he's dead!"
"Indeed!" said Mr Jones, "and please
Send me the half that's got my keys."


Weep not for little Leonie,
Abducted by a French Marquis!
Though loss of honour was a wrench,
Just think how it improved her French!


That morning when my wife eloped
With James, our chauffeur, how I moped!
What tragedies in life there are!
I'm dashed if I can start the car!

Our governess - would you believe
It?-drowned herself on Christmas Eve!
This was a waste, as , anyway
It would have been a holiday.


When Mrs. Gorm (Aunt Eloise)
Was stung to death by savage bees,
Her husband (Prebendary Gorm)
Put on his veil, and took the swarm.
He's publishing a book , next May,
On "How To Make Bee-keeping Pay."

Quite hard to believe a Victorian poet could be so "sick"!

Subject: RE: Really Really Important Poem
From: frogprince
Date: 15 May 09 - 11:51 AM

Birdy with a yellow bill
Perched upon my window sill;
I lured him in with crumbs of bread
And crushed his little f***in' head.

Subject: RE: Really Really Important Poem
From: BobKnight
Date: 15 May 09 - 11:56 AM

Here's a wee poem I made up last year.

Nostalgia:

Nostalgia, oh, it's not what it was,
It's lost all it's magic somehow.
For the things I remembered were better back then,
Than the things I remember now.

Subject: RE: Really Really Important Poem
From: GUEST
Date: 15 May 09 - 09:09 PM

My favourite Milliganism

The boy stood on the burning deck
melting in the heat
his sad brown eyes were full of tears
his shoes were full of feet


anon
The worms go in and the worms come out
they go in thin and they come out stout OOOOOOOooooooow

Subject: RE: Really Really Important Poem
From: Dave Hanson
Date: 16 May 09 - 02:45 AM

As I woke one morning,
When all sweet things are born,
A robin perched upon my sill,
To signal the coming morn,
He was so sweet and gentle,
As softly he did sing,
Sweet thought of love and happiness,
Into my heart did spring,
He sang his song so gently,
Then as he paused a lull,
I swiftly closed the window,
And crushed his fucking skull.

anon

Dave H

Subject: RE: Really Really Important Poem
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 16 May 09 - 04:55 AM

A young lass I know from Black Rod,
Is having a baby from God.
But 'twas not the almighty,
That crawled up her nightie,
'Twas the vicar, the dirty old sod!

Subject: RE: Really Really Important Poem
From: GUEST,Swithun Goodbody
Date: 08 Jul 09 - 07:24 AM

There was an unusual trucker,
Whose manners were awfully pukkah,
If he picked up a lift
That he wanted to shift
He'd invite her for tea and then fuck her.

Subject: RE: Really Really Important Poem
From: treewind
Date: 09 Jul 09 - 07:26 AM

A wise old owl sat in an oak
The more he heard, the less he spoke
The less he spoke, the more he heard
Now wasn't that a wise old bird?

(learnt from my grandmother)
Anahata

Subject: RE: Really Really Important Poem
From: treewind
Date: 09 Jul 09 - 07:41 AM

...and now that Jack and Jill verse reminds me:

Jack and Jill went up the hill
To fetch a pail of water
At least that's what they said they did
But now they've got a daughter

Subject: RE: Really Really Important Poem
From: Dave Hanson
Date: 09 Jul 09 - 08:37 AM

Jack and Jill went up the hill,
To fetch a pail of water,
Jill came down with half a crown,

But not for carrying water.

Dave H

Subject: RE: Really Really Important Poem
From: frogprince
Date: 08 Feb 10 - 12:49 PM

Of all the lovely sights on earth
there's nothing to compare
to a girl who pulls on high-top boots
and then her underwear.

Subject: RE: Really Really Important Poem
From: GUEST,Steamin' Willie
Date: 08 Feb 10 - 01:20 PM

A badge doing the rounds at the Stainsby Festival circa' 1980.

WHALE
OIL
BEEF
HOOKED

Tony Capstick, bless him, used to say;

"I wandered lonely as a cloud
That floats on high, along trees and river banks
I trod upon a bloke's bare arse
And heard a woman's voice say "Thanks."

Subject: RE: Really Really Important Poem
From: Peter the Squeezer
Date: 08 Feb 10 - 03:11 PM

I eat my peas with honey,
I've done it all my life.
It makes the peas taste funny
But it keeps them on the knife.




Manchester Piccadilly, and Alsatians to Crewe
For a day at the end of platform two.
Butties in duffle bag, tea in a flask.
Why do you do it? Why do you ask?

From Sir (wot no knighthood yet) Les Barker




The boy stood on the burning deck.


TWIT!

From Mike Spilligna

Subject: RE: Really Really Important Poem
From: Joe_F
Date: 08 Feb 10 - 11:41 PM

Of all the fishes in the seas,
The strangest is the bass.
It climbs into the tops of trees
And slides down on its hands and knees
To frolic in the grass.

Subject: RE: Really Really Important Poem
From: Bryn Pugh
Date: 09 Feb 10 - 05:04 AM

The boy stood on the burning deck
His arse against the mast.
He dared not move a fucking inch
Till the dreaded bummer passed.

This bummer was a crafty sod
He threw the lad a fritter.
The lad bent down to pick it up -
WHAM !! Six inches up his shitter.

In the merry month of Liverpool
In the City of July,
The rain was snowing heavily
And the streets were desert dry.
The elephant is a bonny bird
Which flies across the sky -
It makes its nest in rhubarb trees
And yodels like a fly.

Davy Crockett
Built a rocket.
The rocket went "bang !",
His ball went clang
And he found his prick in a pocket.

When I was young I had no sense
I ripped my bollocks on a barbed-wire fence.
Off to the doctor's I did go
Balls and all I had to show.
He set me on a ten foot stool
And cut four inches off my tool.
When I came home my sister laughed
To see a broom without a shaft.

(I'll get me Barbour . . . )

Subject: RE: Really Really Important Poem
From: Cuilionn
Date: 09 Feb 10 - 09:41 AM

BERTHA'S WISH

I wish my eyes were green instead of brown.
I wish my stomach went in instead of out.
I wish he would stand on the top of the tallest building and shout,
"I love you, Amanda!"

One more wish:
I wish my name was Amanda.

--Judith Viorst

[MISERICORDIA!]

Misericordia!
College of Cardinals,
Nervously rising to
Whisper its will:
"Rather than being so
Unecumenical,
Can't we just quietly
Swallow the Pill?"

--James Lipton


EGGOMANIA

Consider the egg. It's a miracle,
A thing so diverse for its size
That we hardly can help growing lyrical
When given the Pullet Surprise.

The scope of this peerless comestible
Must drive other foods to despair
Since it's not only fully digestible
But great for shampooing the hair.

It's boilable, poachable, fryable;
It scrambles, it makes a sauce thicken.
It's also the only reliable
Device for producing a chicken.

--Felicia Lamport

Subject: RE: Really Really Important Poem
From: Cool Beans
Date: 09 Feb 10 - 07:26 PM

See the happy moron.
He doesn't give a damn.
I wish I was a moron.
My God, perhaps I am.
---Samuel Hoffenstein, "Poems in Praise of Practically Nothing"

Subject: RE: Really Really Important Poem
From: GUEST,Bill in CT
Date: 07 Jul 10 - 10:01 AM

America's a wondrous place
And full of awesome things --
For here the fish have fingers
And the buffaloes have wings.

Subject: RE: Really Really Important Poem
From: LadyJean
Date: 08 Jul 10 - 12:42 AM

Mary had a little lamb
A little pork, a little jam.
Some ice cream soda topped with fizz
And oh how sick our Mary is.
(Grandma taught me that one.)

Help murder polce!
My wife fell in the grease!
I laughed so hard I fell in the lard!
Help murder police!

Subject: RE: Really Really Important Poem
From: GUEST,Swithun Goodbody
Date: 03 Aug 10 - 03:58 AM

As an epicure meticulous
I relish roast rhinoceros,
But when I'm feeling frivolous
I start with pickled octopus.

While partaking of my polypus
I just eat each metatarsus;
The legs I find monotonous
And slightly cartilaginous.

Subject: RE: Really Really Important Poem
From: GUEST,Cork
Date: 31 Jan 12 - 02:04 PM

I remember these from reading selections from the Science Fiction Book Club in the 1950's [but not the authors]:

Little Willie made a slip
While landing in his rocket ship
See that bright actinic glare
That's our little Willie there

When they settled the nightside of Mercury
The settlers named the dome Mayfair
But they soon rechristened it June
Because what is so rare as a day there?