BS: Stress. Dealing with it.

Subject: Stress. Dealing with it.
From: Rick Fielding
Date: 27 Nov 01 - 01:19 PM

Perhaps a bit of an odd topic for me to initiate 'cause I generally keep my posts pretty light-hearted and tongue in cheek on Mudcat. Reading the "what would you choose?" thread got me thinking about this subject though.

In my parents' day, folks went on vacation to relieve stress. A week in Florida, skiing in the mountains, hookin' a few trout, or blowin' away a duck or two seemed to be the answer......and then (seemingly) you went back and faced the grind once more. Whatever was causing the stress would obviously still be there, but maybe people felt refreshed and better able to handle it. I certainly don't remember my folks ever discussing 'meds' as a remedy (although maybe they did, 'cause I believe "Valium" was on the market...and something called "Milltown"(sp).

I discovered a number of years ago that I simply couldn't handle certain kinds of stress. I'd get more than simply agitated or depressed; I'd get downright hostile, mouthy and very sarcastic. My already 'ironic' sense of humour could turn inadvertantly vicious almost before I'd realized it. Really bad reactions for two reasons: Number one, I LIKE people, and didn't want to be an asshole. And number two, I ain't a fighter, and didn't want to risk someone punching my lights out!

I've made a real effort over the last 15 years to try and avoid "stress making situations", and it's worked very well, 'cause I'm lucky enough to be self-employed, and reasonably self-reliant.(discovering the writings of Quentin Crisp helped a lot) For me, "stress" happens when things I'm normally 'on top of' get out of my control.

It happened last week during a fundraising time at the radio station where I do my show. Most of the folks at the station are in their early twenties, with their own brand of enthusiasm, language, tastes in music, and a 'modus operandi' that I try to understand, but could never operate under. A young "Goth" girl with piercings, tattoos, and no understanding of my program, it's music, and the way I do "fundraising", was getting in my face, constantly imploring us to "Get the energy up...get your friends to compete with pledges...challenge your listeners by name to 'get in on the fun (!!) rah, rah, rah!

I tried at first to ignore her, but felt a "stress lump" in my chest start to appear. I've never tried to compete with the other shows on the station (if for no other reason than 90% of them are "Black" or "youth" oriented) 'cause it simply ain't my style. The show is mainly "traditional folk" with lots of real 'old time' stuff.

Half way through the show, I lost it, and when she appeared at the studio door for the fifth time to tell me to 'up the energy', I pushed her into my chair and said "Okay, YOU do it". She sputtered a bit into the mike, but quickly exited, not to return again.

Even though this all happened in a fake "jovial" way, I really felt I'd missed a very important 'stress remedy', and that is "recognize it BEFORE it happens....and deal with it IMMEDIATELY!" I simply could have said to her very nicely two minutes into the program "I've been through 18 funding drives here, and even though my style looks too laid back to you...it works...or the program would have been off the air years ago...so thanks for your help, but we're fine".

Pretty minor stuff to folks dealing with family, work and war stresses these days, but since I KNOW that a seemingly minor incident can affect me quite a lot (and lead to an inability to deal with the BIG stuff) it's been a bloody good reminder for me to "nip stress in the bud"...or go back to the 'bad ol' days' of a few years ago.

If anyone feels like sharing a story or incident....

Rick

Subject: RE: BS: Stress. Dealing with it.
From: Megan L
Date: 27 Nov 01 - 01:30 PM

It is not always possible to recognise it pre event Rick. a few weeks ago I walked out of my job, yes there had been stress, the organisation is going through a lot of changes in the past few years, but what finnaly got to me was what killed Hamlets daddie(Little drops of poison in the ear) Even now I would be hard put to name single incidents but the cumulative effect can be a nightmare.

Subject: RE: BS: Stress. Dealing with it.
From: SINSULL
Date: 27 Nov 01 - 01:45 PM

Same here, Megan. The abuse and pressure on my job became unbearable. I quit - a pity because I loved my work and was very good at what I did. But within a week, two people asked me if I were in love. I looked that happy!

So now I have financial stress. But I handle that my way without any outside pressure - I don't take the credit card companies seriously.

Rick is right. Being up front when the pressure starts can relieve the situation. It didn't in my case. I think it was viewed as a sign of weakness. His loss.

Subject: RE: BS: Stress. Dealing with it.
From: Mrrzy
Date: 27 Nov 01 - 02:21 PM

From a bad relationship, I learned that it's better to risk the small fight you're trying to avoid, than wait for it to build up into a huge fight you can't avoid at all any more. Not that I follow my own advice, but I've been caught on the other side (Hey, if it was bothering you, why didn't you TELL me, I'd have stopped a long time ago!) Right now my stress at work is full of small stuff, like them getting rid of my adored immediate supervisor leaving me reporting to, well, never mind, I'm at work now, after all. I come here to relieve stress - read a few postings, hear about other people's troubles, feel better. Pity you can't be here while you're there, Rick! Hang in there!

Subject: RE: BS: Stress. Dealing with it.
From: Rick Fielding
Date: 27 Nov 01 - 02:52 PM

Sinsull said:

"But within a week, two people asked me if I were in love. I looked that happy!"

FABULOUS!

That was me, the day I quit playing six nights a week in bars 15 years ago!

Rick

Subject: RE: BS: Stress. Dealing with it.
From: katlaughing
Date: 27 Nov 01 - 02:52 PM

acupunture...for years we've been dealing with over-the-top day-to-day stress and my bod was always tensed in the "fight or flee" mode. I had to consciously realise it was tense then try to relax. One treatment of needles, no pain at all, and all of the tenseness was gone AND I've noticed I do NOT react the way I used to when something really stresses me out. Rog has noticed a big improvement, too. It might not keep me from stressing out in a situation such as yours, Rick, but for day to day stuff, it has really made a difference.

Subject: RE: BS: Stress. Dealing with it.
From: Midchuck
Date: 27 Nov 01 - 03:04 PM

...but needles are one of the things I get stressed about...

Peter.

Subject: RE: BS: Stress. Dealing with it.
From: katlaughing
Date: 27 Nov 01 - 03:09 PM

these ones are so thin and tiny they are too flexible to put in without a plastic sleeve against your skin, to guide them through. Honestly, if you've ever pulled on a tangled piece of hair, or plucked a hair out, THAT is much more than you'd feel with these, at least the way my practioner does it, he believes in the gentlest approach and you don't have to watch...:-)

Subject: RE: BS: Stress. Dealing with it.
From: wysiwyg
Date: 27 Nov 01 - 04:12 PM

Cortisol. Read all about it. I'll send you some information. Posted about it before...

~S~

Subject: RE: BS: Stress. Dealing with it.
From: wysiwyg
Date: 27 Nov 01 - 04:22 PM

Thread about this at the Annexe, including my information referenced above:

http://www.jonbanjo.com/forum/topic.asp?topic_id=25&X=3

~S~

Subject: RE: BS: Stress. Dealing with it.
From: Jeri
Date: 27 Nov 01 - 04:41 PM

I don't blow up at people when I get stressed out - I get snotty. I try to recognise when I'm starting to get snotty and stop it before I say or do something I'll regret. Many times, the way I recognise my snottiness is when someone who isn't afraid of me in 'snot mode' says something like, "why are you so fuckin' cranky?" or "will you just lose the attitude." Once I'm aware something stressful is getting to me, I have to figure out if I can do anything about it. If not, I'd better just let it go. If I can do something, I try to figure out what a wise and rational person would do. (Or possibly what I will eventually wish I'd done.)

Confrontation can be very unpleasant to most people, even if a little bit of polite and respectful confrontation can often prevent something a lot worse.

Subject: RE: BS: Stress. Dealing with it.
From: Liz the Squeak
Date: 27 Nov 01 - 05:06 PM

We've just had a really pleasant 2 days in the office, we got a big physically and mentally arduous job partly done as a team, we've done our own work and team worked together with no bickering, arguing, bossing around or snapping, and all because there is one guy away at the moment.... He's the first one to shout about fairness and the last one to actually implement it. He uses a fairly mild (compared to another in the office with the same malady), non life threatening disability to get out of doing some things, and will refuse the managers point blank to get out of others. He is months behind on his regular duties and is the first to bitch about ours not being done... He and the rest of the team will have to finish the arduous job (by Friday!) and another that he was given to do 2 weeks ago, and didn't complete before he went off....

He's back tomorrow.... I'll post again....

LTS

Subject: RE: BS: Stress. Dealing with it.
From: GUEST,Melani
Date: 27 Nov 01 - 06:07 PM

I actually thrive on things like small (non-important-or-life-threatening) emergencies and work situations that call for fast flexible responses. I guess I'm into adreneline (sp?). I have a friend who has worked with me at my Faire booth a few times, and I guess she is pretty much in the opposite mode. Twice now she has freaked out in an unacceptable way over stuff I can deal with easily, so I guess I just won't ask her to do that sort of thing again. Everybody's different. But then, I go to work to relax.

Subject: RE: BS: Stress. Dealing with it.
From: Murray MacLeod
Date: 27 Nov 01 - 06:11 PM

Rick said"I'd get downright hostile, mouthy and very sarcastic. My already 'ironic' sense of humour could turn inadvertently vicious almost before I'd realized it."

I guess that means I must be stressed too, although I never would have suspected it .........................

Murray

Subject: RE: BS: Stress. Dealing with it.
From: catspaw49
Date: 27 Nov 01 - 06:17 PM

I recommend chilling out in front of one of the new >a href=http://www.mudcat.org/thread.cfm?threadid=41326&messages=33>Gordon Bok Fans

Spaw

Subject: RE: BS: Stress. Dealing with it.
From: Murray MacLeod
Date: 27 Nov 01 - 06:24 PM

In the thread Spaw links to ( or tries to ) above he writes Because you didn't use any html Kendall....go learn how to do the Blue Clicky Things in the FAQ...Until then.....

God, I can be such an asshole sometimes ...........

Murray

Subject: RE: BS: Stress. Dealing with it.
From: Morticia
Date: 27 Nov 01 - 06:26 PM

Boy, this rings bells so loud, I've gone deaf!My "problem" appears to be that I don't recognise it when it's creeping up on me and can go for months, even years "coping". Then I don't/can't.I don't get any warnings, no crankiness ( beyond what is normal for me), no sweaty palms, no anxiety.....but sooner or later I will want to get up and start a new day and find I can't. It's a sod, no doubt about it....and doesn't seem too much I can do about it either.

Subject: RE: BS: Stress. Dealing with it.
From: catspaw49
Date: 27 Nov 01 - 06:28 PM

No Murray, you're a complete asshole all the time and stress never enters into it!

So Murray, even an asshole like myself went ahead and helped out Kendall before a clone came along.....but I want to congratulate you on being a bigger asshole!!! Well Done!!!

Gordon Bok Fans

Spaw (Major Asshole bowing to Colonel Asshole)

Subject: RE: BS: Stress. Dealing with it.
From: Murray MacLeod
Date: 27 Nov 01 - 06:35 PM

LOL!! But on a point of protocol, Spaw,I would prefer to be "saluted" rather than "bowed to".

Maybe that's what officers in the US Marines do to each other in private, but not in the British Army, NO SIR !!

Murray

Subject: RE: BS: Stress. Dealing with it.
From: Rick Fielding
Date: 27 Nov 01 - 08:35 PM

Will you two stop acting like assholes in my "stress" thread? I can feel an attack of "irony" coming on, and I don't want it to 'inadvertantly turn vicious'!

Morticia...read Quentin Crisp...he prepares you for everything!

Stress busters from Quentin:

NEVER try to keep up with the Joneses.....drag them down to your level.

Stop cleaning your room....after three or four years it doesn't get any dirtier. It's just a question of not losing your nerve!

Look inward and discover your most unique characteristic. Develop it until you have something truly special to do barter with the world.....then make them come to YOU for it!

...or just shoot them!

Rick

Subject: RE: BS: Stress. Dealing with it.
From: Jeri
Date: 27 Nov 01 - 09:14 PM

Rick, about that cleaning one...I quite like the idea, but eventually you start having to leap over piles of things. I wonder how long it will be before I'm trapped in here.

(One of my aunts was fond of "a place for everything, and everything in it's place." The hell with that - you just have to get it out again later. If it's not in a pile within 3 feet of me, I obviously don't need it!)

Subject: RE: BS: Stress. Dealing with it.
From: catspaw49
Date: 27 Nov 01 - 09:20 PM

Actually Jeri, you need something to blow all that stuff out of your way, something like the ..............well, you know what I mean................

Sorry Rick.......But ya' know I thought this thread was about dealing with stress.......

Spaw(:<))

Subject: RE: BS: Stress. Dealing with it.
From: DougR
Date: 27 Nov 01 - 10:27 PM

Why? Me worry?

DougR

Subject: RE: BS: Stress. Dealing with it.
From: Rick Fielding
Date: 28 Nov 01 - 12:31 AM

OK, I'm going to be deadly serious for a brief minute here. Simply recounting the incident among friends and nice acquaintances helps immensely. Yes it's using Mudcat for a bit of therapy, but along with guitar chords, "road" stories, and jokes, I've also found the Cat helpful in situations like this. Obviously when I think of the incident objectively, I acted silly and juvenile, but under stress that's exactly how I DO act. (remember the great "soundman massacree"?) More reason to nip situations in the bud.

Back to my preferred reality....

Jeri, Quentin says that when the dust gets to be three or four inches high, you merely have to jump in the air a bit while putting on your pants, in order to keep the cuffs clean.

Rick

Subject: RE: BS: Stress. Dealing with it.
From: hesperis
Date: 28 Nov 01 - 12:42 AM

"Stop cleaning your room....after three or four years it doesn't get any dirtier. It's just a question of not losing your nerve!" - or losing your boyfriend because HE can't stand it... but that would be his loss anyway, right? *big grin*

*My computer is in perfect order - it's just that everything ELSE isn't!* ;)

Subject: RE: BS: Stress. Dealing with it.
From: Sorcha
Date: 28 Nov 01 - 12:56 AM

sooooo, what do you do when you suddenly find yourself wanting to "go home" when it has been 22 + years since you did live at "home"? I have always thought "home" is where I am.....suddenly I want to go "home"...makes no sense to me. All my in-laws are there and I only get along with the maw in law. Neither of us can stand the sisters, Grandmothers, neices, nephews, etc. I like it where we are and it is Home to our children, and this is Home for Us now, so why do I have this urge to go "Home"?? It is a bit scary for me.............

Subject: RE: BS: Stress. Dealing with it.
From: DougR
Date: 28 Nov 01 - 01:05 AM

Sorcha: Go to a movie! Read a book! Eat a Bratwurst! Drink a Guinness!

Forget the first three suggestions, and just drink a Guinness! If that doesn't help, well, I don't know ...

DougR

Subject: RE: BS: Stress. Dealing with it.
From: Rick Fielding
Date: 28 Nov 01 - 01:05 AM

Sounds cathartic to me Sorch. I'd do it just out of curiosity. Rent a motel though, in case you want to make a quick getaway!

I've taken a couple of trips back to Montreal to visit my teenage haunts and it was amazing. I was able to laugh at stuff that was VERY painful when I first experienced them. maybe that's what's 'callin' you.

Rick

Subject: RE: BS: Stress. Dealing with it.
From: Jeri
Date: 28 Nov 01 - 09:05 AM

Rick, you may very well be treating the incident at the radio station as a big deal, whereas the young woman may have forgotten about it by now. She may also have been uncomfortable at the time it happened, but wasn't particularly traumantised by it. You knew about the anger that prompted the actions - she didn't.

I do this. Something I've said to someone sticks in my head and bothers me to no end. When I finally have a chance to talk to the other person about it, the often don't even remember it. Occasionally, they do, but not with the same level of importance as I.

As to "homing" instincts, I sometimes want to go look at the home in which I spent the first 17 years of my life. I'd like to see what it looks like now and reminisce about good times there, although I know it's changed. Funny - I always think about doing a "drive by" when I'm at Old Songs festival. The house is only about 15 - 20 miles away. I never manage to do it. I also fondly remember places I've lived, and places I loved to visit in Austin and San Antonio TX, Kokomo, IN, Alexandria, VA, Bicestershire, UK, etc. I have a feeling I'd get there, and think "OK - So I'm here. What now?" The places would have all changed, and what they'd been and meant to me would only exist in my memory.

Subject: RE: BS: Stress. Dealing with it.
From: Morticia
Date: 28 Nov 01 - 09:37 AM

Rick, I've been thinking about it and I'm not at all sure you did act "silly and juvenile". You demonstrated, with the minimum use of words, that she was being pushy and unacceptably demanding in an area where she had no right to be, and since she could plainly not do the job herself, had little or no right to criticise your handling of it.If you had tried to explain this, it may have become heated,either you or she could have blown and said things you would have reason to regret.You merely pointed out to her the error of her assumptions.Well, thats how I see it anyway.

Subject: RE: BS: Stress. Dealing with it.
From: wysiwyg
Date: 28 Nov 01 - 09:44 AM

Sorch, take a support person who has no ties to the place and loves you madly, just to listen. If none available, journal it as you go and send it to me...

~S~

Subject: RE: BS: Stress. Dealing with it.
From: Rick Fielding
Date: 28 Nov 01 - 12:14 PM

Hi Morty. Interesting take. You may very well be right....BUT.....well, here's the deal....

I'm a real believer (for the last 15 years anyway) that if I've lost my temper at someone I don't really care about, then I've let them get too close. Obviously this doesn't apply to loved ones and friends, just peripheral folks who seem to have a chip on their shoulder. It REALLY applies to people giving orders without having invested in the subject they're talking about. Much better (IMO) to laugh and ignore them. It's one of the reasons why I can't take certain flamer-types around here seriously, even if they're having a go at me (like Garg is currently in a couple of threads)...I simply don't want to waste the energy.

So it kind of boils down to what I expect from MYSELF rather than what I expect from others. I think most folks have a much better "middle ground" than I do. A brief example:

Years ago I clerked (for one day) in a variety store. Twenty minutes after I started, a (rather pushy) woman asked for a pack of fags and THREW the money down on the counter. Several coins bounced on to the floor. I waited a couple of seconds for her to say "Oh, sorry", but not a peep from her. Instead she stood there with a smirk on her face (I later learned that about one in twenty customers will pull that sort of thing with counter people....it's a "power thing" for them.) The "proper" thing to do (I guess) was give her the fags and think "how sad that you need to act that way". As I said I seem to lack that "middle ground" approach.....so I threw the cigs at her (hard), banking them off her head!

I forget how the incident ended....I may have quit before being fired....but I'll never forget how good it felt to whack her in the head!!

The big problem for me was that you can only react that way to rudeness for so long before somebody friggin' shoots you, or you find yourself in court!

So, I guess I figured that forsight was the healthiest way for me to deal with my inability to be servile (even while trying to earn a living)....and consequently I never again worked in a situation where I had to be polite to a rude customer.........EXCEPT when I played in bars, and that came close to driving me nuts! Ha Ha!

Jeri. On one of my "cathartic" visits to Montreal, I stood on the very mound of the very baseball field where all my dreams of being a Big league Pitching star came crashing down (at the age of 14). Some skinny tough little French kid hit the longest homer off me anyone had ever seen! Shortly after, I bought a guitar!

Rick

Subject: RE: BS: Stress. Dealing with it.
From: DougR
Date: 28 Nov 01 - 12:26 PM

I re-read your original post today Rick, and I really don't see anything wrong with the way you handled the situation. Sounds to me like the "kid" pushed you into it, and she got exactly what she deserved.

DougR

Subject: RE: BS: Stress. Dealing with it.
From: Morticia
Date: 28 Nov 01 - 01:36 PM

Problem is with people like that, the more they get away with it , the more they do it.To me they are a bit like children, if you don't teach them what is acceptable behaviour, how are they going to learn? I admit bouncing the fag packet off this woman's head was probably a teensy bit extreme, but justified IMO.Seems to me we all accept rudeness and bad manners as though it was just something the world has devolved into, and maybe that's why it has.....