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Help: Xmas Card joke idea needed
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Subject: Help: Xmas Card joke idea needed From: Mr Red Date: 27 Nov 01 - 06:22 PM Click for the 'PermaThread™: List of all joke threads'
I have been unable to come up with anything witty for this years Christmas card. |
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Subject: RE: Help: Xmas Card joke idea needed From: Bernard Date: 27 Nov 01 - 06:56 PM Overheard at the Weather Centre... 'Rudolf the Red knows rain, dear...!" ...or At a certain stable in Bethlehem a shepherd stumbled in, banging his head on the low roof. 'Jesus!' he cried... 'How lovely! We were going to call him Fred!' replied the doting mother... |
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Subject: RE: Help: Xmas Card joke idea needed From: Morticia Date: 27 Nov 01 - 06:59 PM or the very long joke that ends with " Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer"? I got a cartoon of Santa taking a crap down someone's chimney with the caption " When you've been VERY bad" |
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Subject: RE: Help: Xmas Card joke idea needed From: Sorcha Date: 27 Nov 01 - 07:53 PM "I don't care what your name is, fat man, just get those damn reindeer off my roof!" (older than dirt, I know) |
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Subject: RE: Help: Xmas Card joke idea needed From: Banjer Date: 27 Nov 01 - 08:03 PM The sleigh and the reindeer in their traces slung over an outhouse....sitting in the snow among his scattered bag is Santa....Santa is hollering, "Dammit, Rudolph, I said the SCHMIDT House".... |
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Subject: RE: Help: Xmas Card joke idea needed From: catspaw49 Date: 27 Nov 01 - 08:12 PM "Chester's nuts roasting on an open fire"....visuals obvious Spaw |
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Subject: RE: Help: Xmas Card joke idea needed From: Micca Date: 27 Nov 01 - 08:18 PM There is the cartoon showing the three wise men and one has Igor(Frankensteins monster) on a a rope, and the others are sayin" We said Frankenscense you clotheared wazzock" |
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Subject: RE: Help: Xmas Card joke idea needed From: Morticia Date: 27 Nov 01 - 09:04 PM Not to be pedantic( but I'm going to be anyway), Igor was Frankenstein's assistant, the monster was never named. |
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Subject: RE: Help: Xmas Card joke idea needed From: Sorcha Date: 27 Nov 01 - 09:06 PM Thank your Morty. Saved me pointing that out. The monster was just "The Monster". |
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Subject: RE: Help: Xmas Card joke idea needed From: Mary in Kentucky Date: 27 Nov 01 - 10:10 PM Then there's the outdoor creche, shepherds, cows, sheep and three firemen in full gear. When asked what they are doing there..."We just came from a fire (pronounced far)." |
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Subject: RE: Help: Xmas Card joke idea needed From: Chip2447 Date: 28 Nov 01 - 12:09 AM Visualize whirled peas. Pas on earth, gouda wheel, two men. Chip2447 |
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Subject: RE: Help: Xmas Card joke idea needed From: GUEST,SINSULL Date: 28 Nov 01 - 01:07 AM Full grown Jesus walking into house with snowy wind whirling behind him. Mary glares at him and says: "Jesus Christ! Shut the door! Were you born in a barn?" I actually have this one - picked it up at a Santeria shop in the Village?????? |
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Subject: RE: Help: Xmas Card joke idea needed From: Mark Clark Date: 28 Nov 01 - 02:21 AM
- Mark |
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Subject: RE: Help: Xmas Card joke idea needed From: Banjer Date: 28 Nov 01 - 04:54 AM Mark, that's wonderful. It took a few moments of study to figure out the message! I love it.... |
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Subject: RE: Help: Xmas Card joke idea needed From: gnu Date: 28 Nov 01 - 05:28 AM Excellent Mark. I like the one with the reindeer on the front of the card looking embarassed because of breaking wind and the caption reading, "Do you hear what I hear...". |
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Subject: RE: Help: Xmas Card joke idea needed From: GUEST,micca at work Date: 28 Nov 01 - 06:34 AM Many thanks to Morticia and Sorcha, You can always catch pedants, you just have to use the right bait and they can not resist!!!! Resistance is useless!!! |
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Subject: RE: Help: Xmas Card joke idea needed From: Morticia Date: 28 Nov 01 - 06:58 AM Don't give us that old flannel, Micca....you were caught out, be a man and admit it. Whilst we are into confessions, Mark......I don't get it.....can you explain for the hard of understanding amongst us....probably just me (sigh). |
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Subject: RE: Help: Xmas Card joke idea needed From: GUEST,micca at work Date: 28 Nov 01 - 07:08 AM Morticia, WRONG, I KNOW the monster is never named, it came up in a quiz (or triv) at one of my New years parties a few years ago...I think you were there... |
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Subject: RE: Help: Xmas Card joke idea needed From: GUEST,Paul Date: 28 Nov 01 - 07:43 AM Morticia, There are only 25 letters, there is no... Got it? Good Paul |
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Subject: RE: Help: Xmas Card joke idea needed From: The Walrus at work Date: 28 Nov 01 - 08:45 AM There was a "Punch" cartoon from the mid 1970s which showed a batch of prisoners in a Gulag handling a log, one prisoner is Father Christmas. One guard is saying to the other "...violating Soviet airspace, I believe.." regards Walrus |
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Subject: RE: Help: Xmas Card joke idea needed From: SharonA Date: 28 Nov 01 - 09:41 AM From an existing Christmas card: "The Treetop Angel's Revenge" – a cartoon of a Christmas tree with a treetop angel standing on the floor beside it, looking up in smug satisfaction at the cross-eyed person sitting on the top of the tree (with the uppermost branch presumably stuck up his butt). |
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Subject: RE: Help: Xmas Card joke idea needed From: Morticia Date: 28 Nov 01 - 09:42 AM Thank you Paul.....I could plead tiredness or abstraction or something but actually, I'm just remarkably dim. |
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Subject: RE: Help: Xmas Card joke idea needed From: Mark Clark Date: 28 Nov 01 - 12:20 PM A Christmas Legend(Why we place an angel atop the Christmas tree) Long, long ago, while still a young man and only beginning to establish himself as a holiday icon, Santa Claus did not have access to all the fine new equipment and facilities he now enjoys. As he and the elves worked to make toys and prepare for his long Christmas ride, he often had to make do with old well-worn equipment. One memorable Christmas Eve, found Santa haggard and weary. He was running late and was anxious to load up the sleigh and get started. Grabbing his great sack from a shelf, he filled it with toys and flung it over his shoulder and started for the door. No sooner had the sack touched his back the when the sudden weight of the toys caused the old stitching to give way and the toys fell crashing to the floor. Furious, Santa muttered an oath under his breath and yelled for an elf to help sew up the sack and help him on his way. The sack mended and once again filled with toys, Santa headed out the door where the elves had his sleigh and reindeer all hitched up and ready to go. He tossed the sack of toys into the back of the sleigh but the added weight was too much for the old crate and it collapsed under the sudden load. Cursing loudly, Santa screamed for his elves to get the sleigh repaired so he could he could get started. At last the old sleigh was patched back together and made ready for Santa's trip. Santa strode angrily out of the house, stomped over to the sleigh and placed one foot on the running board to climb in. But alas the running board had seen better days and snapped off under his weight leaving Santa face down in the snow. In a rage, Santa grabbed the broken running board and throwing it violently against the house jumped into the sleigh, grabbed the reins and... just then, an angel came down the road carrying a Christmas tree saying “Hey Santa, where do you want me to put this tree?” - Mark |
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Subject: RE: Help: Xmas Card joke idea needed From: mousethief Date: 28 Nov 01 - 12:23 PM I used this on a Christmas card about 5 years ago: A long line of people in stately robes carrying really stupid gifts, with the caption, "Why you've only heard of the first 3 'wise men'" Alex |
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Subject: RE: Help: Xmas Card joke idea needed From: SharonA Date: 28 Nov 01 - 12:28 PM I suppose you could make up a cartoon with the Three Stooges dressed in royal robes and crowns, and entitle it "The Three Wise Guys". I drew a 'toon a few years ago, with a troll in a choir robe, singing (y'know... "Troll the ancient yuletide carol"). Then there's Don Weenow, the cross-dresser (the guy in the gay apparel). How about picturing the ten reindeer: Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donner, Blitzen, Rudolph ...and Olive (as in "Olive the other reindeer"). There's even a children's book out there now, about Olive! |
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Subject: RE: Help: Xmas Card joke idea needed From: Fibula Mattock Date: 28 Nov 01 - 12:29 PM Any Uk Catters seen the Private Eye Foot-and-Mouth Christmas cards? (For anyone not in the know, Private Eye is a satirical magazing, much like the Onion, only better.) They've got a woman looking at a crib with the Holy Family, shepherds, wise men and the rest all staring out of the stable at a burning pyre of cows. |
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Subject: RE: Help: Xmas Card joke idea needed From: Burke Date: 28 Nov 01 - 12:35 PM As long as we're being picky here, we don't know how many wise men there were or their names, just 3 that gifts are mentioned. Matthew 2:1 "behold, there came wise men from the east to Jerusalem,... 2:11 And when they were come into the house, they saw the young child with Mary his mother, and fell down, and worshipped him: and when they had opened their treasures, they presented unto him gifts; gold, and frankincense and myrrh." |
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Subject: RE: Help: Xmas Card joke idea needed From: SharonA Date: 28 Nov 01 - 01:05 PM I saw a card a couple of years ago with the Three Wise Women bearing really wise gifts such as diapers, a bottle, and so forth. |
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Subject: RE: Help: Xmas Card joke idea needed From: mousethief Date: 28 Nov 01 - 01:09 PM I saw a poster that said, "If it were the three wise WOMEN, they would have brought useful gifts, and cleaned the stable, changed the baby and rocked it to sleep, etc." Alex |
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Subject: RE: Help: Xmas Card joke idea needed From: SharonA Date: 28 Nov 01 - 01:11 PM But my favorite is the cartoon of Santa on the lawn outside a kid's bedroom window, being frisked by the police, saying, "Wait, officer! You don't understand! I'm supposed to see them when they're sleeping!!!" |
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Subject: RE: Help: Xmas Card joke idea needed From: Micca Date: 28 Nov 01 - 01:17 PM or the card I saw years ago, the stable surrounded by heavenly choirs singing, shepherds worship, wise men and creatures all gathered round, and Joseph is saying " All this and you STILL want an announcement in the Jewish Chronicle"? |
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Subject: RE: Help: Xmas Card joke idea needed From: brid widder Date: 28 Nov 01 - 01:40 PM My favourite was a picture of a sad looking vicar in tweed standing in the snow and surrounded by green spots...'Geoffrey had hoped for peace on earth but he didn't like to complain' |
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Subject: RE: Help: Xmas Card joke idea needed From: katlaughing Date: 28 Nov 01 - 03:28 PM Mortee, I must be dimmer, because though I noticed right off there was no "L," I still don't get Mark's pretty-looking joke. Sorry, Mark.:-) |
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Subject: RE: Help: Xmas Card joke idea needed From: jeffp Date: 28 Nov 01 - 03:37 PM kat - no "L" = Noel OK? jeffp |
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Subject: RE: Help: Xmas Card joke idea needed From: SharonA Date: 28 Nov 01 - 05:44 PM Then there's the card with the dog holding a stick in its mouth, standing in front of a snowman who's shouting, "Give me back my arm!!!" |
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Subject: RE: Help: Xmas Card joke idea needed From: Kaleea Date: 29 Nov 01 - 05:04 AM Some of my favs to put with an appropriate sketch: Wreck the Halls Come They Told Me . . . (open card to read):the Rump Roast Is Done Up on the Mousetop Scene of harried travelers in a major city airport with caption: We Wish You a Hare Krisha (my Hindu friends think this one's a riot!)
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Subject: RE: Help: Xmas Card joke idea needed From: JohnInKansas Date: 29 Nov 01 - 06:19 AM One I actually used several years ago (to a very few "friends"). On the outside cover, draw a part of a circle - the "northwest" quadrant or a little less. Sort of "inside" where the full circle would be, you draw three or four "triangles" with one side missing. On the ends of the "legs" of the triangles, where the other side would have been, you draw "arrowheads." Sprinkle a few musical notes (dots) around the whole thing. Inside, if you're brave enough, it reads: "Arc the arrowed angles sing." groan and drum rip. And apologies John |
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Subject: RE: Help: Xmas Card joke idea needed From: Mr Red Date: 29 Nov 01 - 02:05 PM keep 'em coming, I got the No L one call me an engineer (I are one) but I saw a regular matrix & the square root of 26 is er...... fingers, carry one, er...... non integer. Soooooo there must be one missing, but which one? start at A, Bingo I may use that one or the Cross mouse card or the Tinsel-itus gag or the learner sleighing Santa who passes his test (No L plates) but I do rahter like the one that goes..... cue Santappluase. |
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Subject: RE: Help: Xmas Card joke idea needed From: Jack the Sailor Date: 29 Nov 01 - 02:28 PM Check the balls on that big collie1Fa la la la la, la la la la |
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Subject: RE: Help: Xmas Card joke idea needed From: Jack the Sailor Date: 29 Nov 01 - 02:29 PM "1" should be "!" |
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Subject: RE: Help: Xmas Card joke idea needed From: GUEST,Melani Date: 29 Nov 01 - 02:40 PM Several years ago I used "The Twelve Thank-you Notes of Christmas," printed on parchment-like paper. Emily progresses from thanking Edmond for his original and thoughtful gift of a partridge in a pear tree to calling her lawyer to get rid of the twelve lords a-leaping all over her lawn, chasing the eight milkmaids, etc. If anybody wants the full text, let me know. |
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Subject: RE: Help: Xmas Card joke idea needed From: SharonA Date: 29 Nov 01 - 02:43 PM Melani: Consider yourself notified! Yes, please post the full text of "The Twelve Thank-you Notes of Christmas"! |
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Subject: RE: Help: Xmas Card joke idea needed From: GUEST Date: 29 Nov 01 - 02:56 PM On the front of the card: A picture of an annoyed looking Santa with brown colored smears and blotches all over his clothes and face, talking to Mrs. Claus. Inside the card: "Damn it woman! I asked you to put those friggin' reindeer on a high-fiber diet." On the front: A bunch of barefoot shepherds sitting around a washtub outdoors under a starry sky, scrubbing their stockings on washboards. Verse inside: "While Shepherds Washed Their Socks by Night All Seated on the Ground..." |
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Subject: RE: Help: Xmas Card joke idea needed From: GUEST Date: 29 Nov 01 - 03:16 PM Sharon, re: 'Thank you notes' Amazed that someone in the western world hasn't heard these. There are numerous variations, but this site will give you the basic idea. There've been mudcat threads about them before, but I can't be bothered to find them right now. Sorry |
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Subject: RE: Help: Xmas Card joke idea needed From: SharonA Date: 29 Nov 01 - 04:25 PM Thanks, GUEST! It's hilarious! |
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Subject: RE: Help: Xmas Card joke idea needed From: GUEST,Roger the skiffler Date: 30 Nov 01 - 05:49 AM Not a Xmas one but Herself found one somewhere on the web that we just sent to our nephew and wife for making us great uncle and great aunt: it has a line of animated rats doing the conga with "Conga-rat-ulations" below. RtS (she's been with me for over 30 years, now even the "humour" is beginning to rub off!) |
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Subject: RE: Help: Xmas Card joke idea needed From: GUEST,.gargoyle Date: 30 Nov 01 - 10:47 PM |
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Subject: RE: Help: Xmas Card joke idea needed From: Mr Red Date: 01 Dec 01 - 07:42 AM Er bit late this year but - yes. I heard of aa brit actress going to work in Hollywood sending her Xmas cards to friends in th UK before she went. As one chum put it - "but darling how do you know who your friends will be by the Xmas!" well this is the place to be "catty" |
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Subject: RE: Help: Xmas Card joke idea needed From: Mr Red Date: 01 Dec 01 - 07:45 AM This may tell they way I am leaning how do you spell Jouyeaux Neol in French? And what is the typical French expression? |
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Subject: RE: Help: Xmas Card joke idea needed From: sophocleese Date: 01 Dec 01 - 09:17 AM One of my favourites was a picture of a manlooking a little surprised while being hit on the head with small hard objects. Inside the card it said, "Leaded snow, Leaded snow, Leaded snow." |
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