BS: Not British, just depressed.

Subject: Not British, just depressed.
From: GUEST,DW at work
Date: 18 May 02 - 08:26 PM

Well, it's mid afternoon, and I'm already 3 sheets to the wind.

My girlfriend dumped me by phone message, and when I went round a few days later to clear things up, another man's things were already in her bathroom.

Add to that the fact that 2 people considered as good friends haven't spoken to me in months because of something I was supposed to have said, I'm getting grief at work from an overbearing boss, my house is falling apart and I get no support from family.

What do I do now??

Subject: RE: BS: Not British, just depressed.
From: Ebbie
Date: 18 May 02 - 09:20 PM

Man. The only thing I would say is that 'This too shall pass.' I can't tell you how often in my life I have had things belly up so bad that it felt like it could never possibly come right. But it always does. No comfort right now, I know.

(The boozing doesn't help, though, in my experience. All it does really is ensure that you will find yourself having done or said the wrong things at critical times.)

Ebbie

Subject: RE: BS: Not British, just depressed.
From: Celtic Soul
Date: 18 May 02 - 10:04 PM

To add to Ebbies last statement...

The booze may also add to your depression in the long run. It is a depressant, not a stimulas.

As for the rest, I empathise deeply. It sucks mightily when you feel completely alone. Find even one person you can talk to. If need be, make it a professional so you won't emotionally tax a friend too much.

Subject: RE: BS: Not British, just depressed.
From: Mudlark
Date: 18 May 02 - 11:01 PM

"If I didn't have no bad luck, wouldn't have no luck at all" Been there, it's the pits. Walking helps. Staying connected (good for you for posting) helps, writing helps (song writing if you can). Booze is one coping mechanism, but a very limited one because of the side effects (depression, poor self image, ruined sleep, etc.) No way to "cheer up." but take lots of stress vitamins, be good to yourself and live as healthy as you can, so as to not add to stress, and soon you might begin to wonder if anybody that would send a dear john via phone message may not be worth mourning for too long...

Subject: RE: BS: Not British, just depressed.
From: CapriUni
Date: 18 May 02 - 11:18 PM

Pull out an old blues tune, make up new verses that express exactly what is making you and sing it -- from the depths of your lungs.

That has often helped me: to be able to create something out of my misery helps take the edge off my feeling of helplessness.

"Blues" is a state of mind, and a type of music for a reason!

In the meantime, I know it pales in comparison to the real thing, but maybe a virtual hug would help:

{{{{{ DW }}}}}

Subject: RE: BS: Not British, just depressed.
From: Stephen L. Rich
Date: 19 May 02 - 05:58 AM

You can get through this. But, lose the booze.

Stephen

Subject: RE: BS: Not British, just depressed.
From: Paul from Hull
Date: 19 May 02 - 11:03 AM

I dont know too much about 'drinking' issues for myself(never having been, except on rare occasions, anything more than a moderate drinker, ever)....but I do know about the depression side....& CAN understand why there is a temptation to over-indulge in booze.

In my opinion, often the drinking is a subconscious cry for help, in the hopes that observers will notice & offer their support in the situation that provoked it.

Thats put bluntly & simplistically, & I hope, DW, that I havent either offended or worried you by it. (I have known people offended by that, because they think it implies they are 'weak'...though they have been mostly people who havent 'flagged up' the problem like you have... I've also know others who dislike the thought that they are doing something like that subconsciously...worried that their own subconscious is 'betraying' them, in showing something that they would rather hide from the world at large.

You, however, have taken the best step, in acknowledging it, & also bringing it to the attention of others (albeit without giving your full name). Its the self-acknowledgement thats by far the most important factor here though.

If it persists in making you feel this low, though, try & build that 'support network' around yourself...if you cant get through it with your own efforts, then thats something else before seeking Professional help (which hopefully wont be necessary anyway, but it has to be said, as the flip side to all the above, that by talking about it now, you are showing how serious you consider it.

Best Wishes -

Subject: RE: BS: Not British, just depressed.
From: GUEST
Date: 19 May 02 - 11:10 AM

And Alcoholics Anonymous (despite anonymous being considered a dirty word by many at Mudcat) can offer you a tremendous amount of personal support at times of crisis in your life. You will be assigned a personal mentor who "sponsors" you, and whom you can call any time of the day or night, whether to talk about a need for a drink, or your feelings of frustration, rage, etc.

I would suggest coming up with a job hunt strategy to take pressure off you in the workplace too. It sounds as if you are feeling trapped in a dead end situation there, which only contributes to the feelings of impotence and helplessness.

Family isn't always the best refuge in times like this, especially if there is a history of serious dysfunction like alcholism, drug abuse, physical and/or emotional abuse, depression or other mental health problems in your family. If you don't feel AA is an option for you, I strongly urge you to avail of some sort of counseling with a mental health professional or clergy member with experience in mental health counseling for laity.

Subject: RE: BS: Not British, just depressed.
From: Mr Red
Date: 19 May 02 - 11:20 AM

At times like this I become so good-natured about the "issue" it un-nerves the perpetraitor. On more than one occasion I have rung an ex-girlfriend to keep contact and found there is suspician of a hidden agenda or gloating. Now if I had wanted that reaction i am sure it would have back-fired. But it can be very rewarding being Mr Niceguy and meaning it. You have to take the flack though.
On the other hand Richard Thompson was onced asked by his agent (****urban myth warning****) "How ya doin' Pal" and got the reply "Woman just left me" to which agent rubbed his hands and said "So, thats a raft of hard driving, incisive songs coming up then?". I believe the story but the connection between that void when you are no longer with someone who fills your every waking moment with thoughts of "dont do this, flowers, gotta say I love you 7 times a week..... blah blah" then you have a huge mindspace you can devote to creativity like songwriting, tune learning, replacements, retorts to bosses.
I have all but stopped writing songs - because I have contentment of sorts (shame about the job scene)
Good luck

Subject: RE: BS: Not British, just depressed.
From: GUEST,DW at work
Date: 19 May 02 - 01:20 PM

Thanks guys, but I need you to know right now, I don't have a problem with the booze. It was a coupla more beers on an empty stomach than was good for me and seemed like a good idea at the time, after all, it was kinda hot yesterday and slow at work.

Trouble is, she was the best one ever. She's a caring sort of person, never deliberatley gone out to hurt anyone - in fact, she kept saying that after her last partner, a complete psycho, she didn't want anyone to screw with her head - the last thing I'd want to do. The thing that sticks most in my throat is the dumping by WAP and the other guys stuff in her bathroom less than a week later. Did she dump me before or after? Was she even going to tell me about him? Did she invite me round just to push this other guy in my face? We talked about everything else, why couldn't she talk about him?

Add to that Ant, my best buddy of nearly 20 years has stopped talking to me because he thinks I screwed his girlfriend (I didn't, by the way, he got caught out doing something bad and can't admit it's his fault, she just came to me for the truth afterwards) and I'm up the proverbial creek. No long term partner I can talk to, other best buddies are way across state, family all 1000's of miles away and the professional help is way too expensive. At least the overbearing boss is getting his card marked. 2 other staff slammed him with a suit for 'unacceptable behaviour' so maybe he'll go easy for a while.

Thanks for all your support. And the hugs, although, CapriUni - can we just clear up something? I'm a guy and you are.....?

Oh, my whole name? I got stuck with a honey.... Spaced out mom and a groupie dad, named me after a really crappy album from the 70's. You'll see why I just stick to DW.

Dream Weaver.

Subject: RE: BS: Not British, just depressed.
From: Herga Kitty
Date: 19 May 02 - 01:47 PM

I heard on the radio about a lady in Yorkshire who started a group called SPUD - the Society for the Protection of the Unreasonably Dumped.

Someone who dumped you like that isn't the best one ever - might have been the best one so far until she screwed up, but you deserve better DW.

Kitty

Subject: RE: BS: Not British, just depressed.
From: Liz the Squeak
Date: 19 May 02 - 01:54 PM

Dumped by WAP eh? That's even worse than an answerphone message which was done to me way back in the distant past... Even Email has the edge over that.

Take heart and keep communicating. It's always worth staying friends.... regardless of what's happened in the past. As for the long term buddy, he'll probably come round sooner or later, but it may take a while. Meanwhile, posting here is like having 20 different counsellors - everyone will have something different to say and different ways of saying the same thing.

Beer on an empty stomach not good. Better than a bottle of wine though..... join me in a hair of the dog??

LTS

Subject: RE: BS: Not British, just depressed.
From: CapriUni
Date: 19 May 02 - 01:55 PM

Don't worry, DW, I carry the double X... ;-)

And you say she is a very caring person... that may be, but from what you say, she sounds to me like (at best) like she is emotionally careless. She may not set out to deliberately hurt you, but else can result from dumping you by phone message, and letting someone else move into her place before her "goodbye's" to you were resolved.

A bull in a china shop doesn't destroy the merchandise out of malice, but that doesn't mean that the shop owner shouldn't keep all bulls out of his doors. The same is true for you and your heart. You deserve someone who isn't so careless with your emotions.

Subject: RE: BS: Not British, just depressed.
From: Liz the Squeak
Date: 19 May 02 - 02:16 PM

Sometimes the people who protest loudest about something done to them and that they never want it to happen again, are those who do it to others themselves. The girlfriend who doesn't want 'her head screwed' then does it to you. The friend who accuses you of sleeping with his girlfriend when he's the one 'doing something bad'... see a pattern?

Always try to keep the line of communication open, you never know when you might need to speak to them again. Keep on being Mr Niceguy, maybe something can be salvaged.

And as for 'she was the best ever', well, how do you know? You haven't met everyone yet.... I know it's really REALLY hard to listen to everyone saying 'you're better off without her' but only you can see if there is any kind of relationship worth salvaging here. It's all too easy for people to say that, trying to make you feel better, that you don't need their friendship or that she's nasty, bitter and twisted. This is (presumably) someone you loved, and not everyone can turn emotions off and on like a switch. It's very easy to move them to another object, especially if you are the obsessive type, but impossible to turn them off altogether. If she's as caring as you say, then she should know this, and if she's still communicating with you (you say she invited you round?) then she obviously doesn't want to lose you totally.

LTS

Subject: RE: BS: Not British, just depressed.
From: JohnInKansas
Date: 20 May 02 - 06:29 AM

DW -

It must be sort of the "human condition," because your situation sounds very familiar.

While it may not work for you, the principles that I've found helpful are -

(1) Accept that what you can't fix doesn't matter.

By that, I mean of course that it may hurt, but if you can't fix it, you have to live with it.

(2) Don't expect that you can change what other people do or feel. In the longer term, you may be able to influence them, but the important thing is YOU. Do what YOU do best, and try to let the rest go by.

(3) Make yourself a plan for something you CAN accomplish tomorrow. If the house is falling apart - plan to wash the dishes or mow the lawn, - or just to find out how many plumbers are available who might fix your septic tank. The important thing is to give yourself something as specific as possible that you CAN do, and then DO IT.

Try to get a good night's sleep, and rise up early and DO WHAT YOU DO BEST. The rest will come together - or not - but wailing and lamentations over things you can't really change will not affect whether they do.

I know this is a tough plan to follow, but I've found that it works better than a lot of others I've tried to use in situations similar to yours.

Care (deeply) for your fellow human persons. Love those who deserve it - and, if you can, even those who don't. But don't expect ANYONE ELSE to solve your problems for you - if you haven't done all you can for yourself.

Spend some time being the best that is in YOU. The rest will take care of itself.

John

Subject: RE: BS: Not British, just depressed.
From: GUEST
Date: 20 May 02 - 07:44 AM

What John said *ditto* You take care of yourself mate, you have survived much worse than this. On a positive note your Blues singing will have more depth of feeling << (said as a joke to cheer you up BTW) keep on singing and playing "Lie To Me". Your friends all care and love you. Yours, Aye. (you know who)

Subject: RE: BS: Not British, just depressed.
From: GUEST
Date: 20 May 02 - 07:50 AM

Sorry DW I thought you were a different "dw" my last post wont make sense. Take care anyway...

Subject: RE: BS: Not British, just depressed.
From: Blues=Life
Date: 20 May 02 - 09:20 PM

DW,

Been there too and survived. Just remember, Time wounds all heels. In other words, what goes around, comes around. Your time will come, but in the meantime, (and I'm not being a smartass here) do play some blues. The purpose of singing the blues, singing of what is miserable and rotten in your life, is that it helps you encapsulate those feelings, and get rid of them. When you're truly miserable, it's hard to sing the blues and NOT feel better after.

A year from now, your life will be completely different (if you want it to be). Keep the faith.

Blues

Subject: RE: BS: Not British, just depressed.
From: GUEST,DW at work
Date: 21 May 02 - 03:43 PM

Yeah, Guest got me kinda confused there, I'm a keyboarder, rather than a singer. But what the heck, I'll give anything a go once!

There's been a bit of a development on the communication front, we spoke on the phone and we're going out to the theater soon. She's OK with some of the issues I had to talk with her about. She really does seem to want to stay friends.

Thanks guys for being here, you want I should keep you posted?

DW

Subject: RE: BS: Not British, just depressed.
From: Liz the Squeak
Date: 21 May 02 - 04:05 PM

Well there's something good then. See how it goes and don't expect too much too soon.

LTS

Subject: RE: BS: Not British, just depressed.
From: GUEST,DW at work
Date: 23 May 02 - 05:58 PM

Thanks LTS, expecting too much too soon was always one of my problems tho. Guess I'll have to rethink a whole heap of things and maybe start over.

DW

Subject: RE: BS: Not British, just depressed.
From: GUEST,DW at work
Date: 12 Jun 02 - 12:39 AM

Update on the state of play:

She's still talking, we went to the theater and had a great time, just being friends again. We're going again next month, if her new guy doesn't book her diary up in advance for her (something she used to bitch at me for doing, but hey, I'm not bitter...)

It's pretty hard trying not to want to jump her every opportunity (we were both of us VERY physical) but it'll sort. At least there's still a freindship which is more than I can say for Ant.

He's started to badmouth me to everyone we knew (we've been best buddys like forEVER, so we know a lot of the same people), has turned into a real arrogant little shit. Remember he accused me of screwing his girl when it was him cheating? Well he's cheating on the both of them now, old and new. His girl still speaks to me even though he told her I was a lying bastard and she shouldn't believe a word I said. He even said I was sending anonymous letters to her! She's really devastated by his behaviour, because she believed him when he said he wasn't cheating. She found out the hard way though. She's completely blown apart by it all, and says he really thinks he's the innocent one and has been all his life. She's getting better now that she knows the truth, a case where 'your better off without him' really IS the right thing to say. And no, there isn't anything there, we aren't going to be an item, although I think she's a lovely person.

Any advice on this one guys??

DW

Subject: RE: BS: Not British, just depressed.
From: Liz the Squeak
Date: 13 Jun 02 - 01:33 AM

Maybe the advice for her is as good for you too. It sounds like he's really turning into a nasty person who isn't going to change. If he really is cheating on the new girlfriend, then it doesn't sound like he will. Still, there is always hope. Maybe one day he will see that too.

Do the anonymous letters exist or is he making it up?

LTS

Subject: RE: BS: Not British, just depressed.
From: kendall
Date: 13 Jun 02 - 10:26 AM

I think most of us have been where you are, and, it sucks. Now, what I'm about to say may sound insensitive, but, I didn't get this old without learning a thing or two, Get councilling, and, be prepared to be asked "What do you think is YOUR role in all this"? Remember, it is never "Them" it is always "US". Being human, we fall into the trap of, It's easier to lay blame elsewhere than to work on the problem.

Subject: RE: BS: Not British, just depressed.
From: AliUK
Date: 13 Jun 02 - 10:56 AM

Call me Mr. Insensitive but... I can't believe your still seeing your ex- when she is with another guy. This sounds as if your still burning a bit of a light for her, I always found that cutting the ties and moving on works best, hard as that may seem. But if you were (are?) that passionate about the other one still then hanging out once a month may not be the best thing. Maybe a little time down the road of life you meet again and then maybe a friendship develops. Be a good friend to your ex-mate's ex-. She needs someone who has been hurt by him too, you are on the same wavelength. Maybe together you can get over his betrayal of you both.

Alistair

Subject: RE: BS: Not British, just depressed.
From: McGrath of Harlow
Date: 13 Jun 02 - 11:36 AM

Dumped by WAP - sounds like a good start for a song. That's one way to leave your lover Paul Simon didn't have in the song.

Subject: RE: BS: Not British, just depressed.
From: 53
Date: 13 Jun 02 - 03:00 PM

Get some Klonopin from your Doctor and again I say, from your doctor they'll help straighten you out better than booze. I know from experience. Bob. If you want you can PM me for more info.

Subject: RE: BS: Not British, just depressed.
From: mousethief
Date: 13 Jun 02 - 03:03 PM

Hang in there. Prayers and thoughts.

alex

Subject: RE: BS: Not British, just depressed.
From: Liz the Squeak
Date: 13 Jun 02 - 05:54 PM

53 - if you read the rest of the thread, the booze question was answered pretty thoroughly... a one off of too much beer on an empty stomach I think it says.... I don't think booze is the problem, but trying to maintain a friendly relationship with the three of them. Trying to do that with people whom you've been hurt by is always difficult.... but some people really do mean it when they say 'let's still be friends'. If you don't mean it, don't say it. If DW thinks that the girl meant it, then surely it's up to him if he wants to continue to work at that friendly relationship.

However, if the friend (Ant?) is still not speaking, maybe it's because he's seen you apparently take the side of his girlfriend against him, the old 'see I was right, there was something going on' routine. If he is as guilty as sin, he isn't going to admit it as long as there is some other poor unfortunate gullible sap around whom he can suck into his lifestyle of cheating, mistrust and obfuscation.

It is possible to be friends after a passionate encounter, and it is possible to do it very shortly afterwards, just as long as you keep your boundaries very clearly in view and don't start getting too comfortable with each other, because that would just start the slippery slope to WAPville again.

LTS

Subject: RE: BS: Not British, just depressed.
From: GUEST,DW at work
Date: 14 Jun 02 - 12:56 AM

WAPville - I like it!! Just down the road from Dumpsville, and Lonely Town, Heartbreak County!

53 - I did say, I don't have a problem with alcohol. I very rarely drink. That was a one off and I don't need help but thanks for the kind thoughts. I can't PM as I only have Guest status, I can't join on the work computer (security thing)

My docs are pretty cool though, and talking this over in the bar with one of them, she's been pretty supportive, although there is nothing medical. She just saw me there the other Saturday, unwinding from a tough afternoon at work, and said I looked like shit and was I coming to see her. We got talking and she was, like I say, pretty supportive. Gave me lots of advice, some of it was even the same as you guys, and said she didn't want to see me in her office!

LTS, are you anything in the psychiatric profession?? Some things you've said are practically the same as Beardyman and the Doc have come up with. I expect too much from a relationship, namely, the same as I put in. Guess I have to learn to hold back. But I agree, if they are willing to stay friends, then who knows when I might need those friends? It's me that has to learn control, and I'm getting there, but it's really hard, and I really appreciate the support I've gotten from this forum. Thanks guys and gals.

DW